this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by teenage girls who talk about their relationships loud enough for everyone to hear, old guys who wear suspenders and "Last Call with Carson Daly"..
"moist" is the least-utilized word in the English language..
anything that includes the phrase "3 easy payments" is too expensive for you to buy..
girls, don't ask guys what shoes go with your outfit.. we're wearing cargo shorts and Adidas tennis shoes to a fancy restaurant, do you really want fashion advice from us? just be dressed and ready to go on time.. if we're with you, we think you look good..
Dear Brett Favre, we know how it feels to not be wanted in Wisconsin, too. Sincerely: Salads, Deodorant and Sleeves..
i like when parents have bumper stickers that say "Proud Parent of an Honors Student at (insert school here), like anyone else cares.. i'm inventing one that says "Proud Parent of a 3.5 GPA Student Who Has Lettered in 3 Sports, is the Starting Quarterback and is Fucking the Homecoming Queen Runner-Up".. i bet my kid is having more fun..
a few weeks ago i was driving home and i saw a mother on a cell phone walking on the sidewalk while her three young children rode bikes along side her.. one of her sons crashed his bike and rolled onto the road, crying like crazy.. most mothers would rush to help him up and make sure he's okay and out of the way of traffic, correct? she just shook her head at him and kept walking.. it absolutely blew my mind.. there should really be a required test for people to pass to become parents.. if you don't care about your kids, stop having them.. it's pretty easy, somehow i'm 25 and have managed to be childless.. you were probably on the phone with your "baby daddy" arguing about child support or custody.. i feel bad for the kids of parents like this..
at this point, the Twins could trade Livan Hernandez to Toronto for a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a polar bear, a jug of maple syrup and the SARS virus and i'd be okay with it.. i'd even break my longstanding "never go to Toronto for any reason" rule to drive him there..
okay, after listening to Jim Rome on the radio today and witnessing it firsthand on the golf course tonight, i have to rant a little bit about "Golf Guy".. first of all, this isn't all guys who golf.. i like golf and i like most guys who golf, but "Golf Guy" is the one who's a bit too extreme.. stop me if you've been golfing and you recognize any of this.. he's the one who looks at his shot for 3 minutes and takes 13 practice swings so he can hit his ball into the backyard of an elderly couple.. he's the one wearing all the new gear and spends more money on his golf clubs than most people spend on rent.. he'll wait for the green to clear out when he's 330 yards out and then proceed to hit a ground ball 100 feet.. he'll give you advice like: "see, what ya did there was you didn't release the club head at the bottom of the swing, you need to turn your wrists over.." really, is that why you just lined your 3rd ball into the pond this hole? or he'll say, "i don't know what's wrong with me today".. i do, you're a terrible golfer.. and you didn't miss the putt because of a ball mark in your line, you missed it because you putt like you're having a seizure.. or after you hit your shot, he'll yell something at the ball like, "come on, get up there! be the right club!".. seriously, keep your mouth off my ball.. it's mine, if i want to yell at it, i will.. he'll contemplate asking out the beer cart girl because he thinks she's flirting with him.. obviously, she is, but it's because she's working for tips.. do strippers flirt with you? no, they strip for any hillbilly who wants to give them money.. i mean, i suck at golf but at least i know it.. i just go to drink beer and get better at the sport.. i'm aware that it's not Torrey Pines on a Sunday afternoon and i'm not running down Tiger Woods.. it's a Thursday evening at the local golf club.. act like it, Golf Guy..
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
i should be sleeping..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by the guy who, when asked, "did you get a haircut?", replies, "no, i got them all cut".. hilarious..
what happened to the good ol' days when only one blade on a razor accomplished what you needed? the Mach 3 razor that i own accomplishes the following: first blade: cuts hair.. second blade: cuts skin.. third blade: opens wound requiring a tourniquet.. when shaving requires a first aid kit and a Boy Scout on standby, maybe we're being a bit aggressive with the razors?
why are alarm clock rings the most annoying sound in the history of the world? if it's loud, we're going to wake up, we don't need to wake up pissed off at the world.. and i could have swore that on/off button was on the top right when i went to bed, why is it nowhere to be found right now? most weekdays begin with me blindly and half-consciously reaching over to my alarm clock, slapping at it a few times before saying "are you fucking kidding me?" and having to sit up half naked and inspect it like i'm disconnecting a bomb.. and how long does the snooze button last these days? 15 seconds? in a related story, i'm not a morning person..
i hate when sales people try to sell me a service agreement.. they always try to sell it like "in case something should happen after the factory warranty expires, you'll be able to fix it free of cost if you buy this 2-year service agreement for $3,000".. what they really should say is "you want this because i get commission on it and our product is designed to break down 5 seconds after the warranty expires".. i usually get suckered into it because i don't want to pay the $595 it costs to get a new fan in a laptop computer.. i'm flaky..
spent time in Boston over the winter for work and came to this conclusion: 95% of people who ride a train are clinically insane.. we were on a train riding into downtown Boston and we got delayed a little bit when this guy starts screaming at the top of his lungs for the train to start moving.. either he a) forgot to take his medication, b) was pissed at an offseason Red Sox move, or c) was late for his job interview at MIT..
get this, i bought a medium popcorn and large Icee at the movie theater for $10.50 and neither had the decency to massage my inner-thigh at any point.. even during the previews.. how does this make any sense? at that price, i kinda wish i would have eaten the popcorn a little slower but it's been scientifically proven that you can't eat popcorn less than one handful at a time.. basically you're racing other movie-goers to see who can get done first, like you've all been stranded on a deserted island for the past 6 months.. classic.. but this is where you get your money's worth: you get a free refill if you finish your large soda.. so if you're still thirsty after you suffer a diabetic seizure from the bathtub full of sugar and syrup water, you're in luck..
here's the scene in 100% of restrooms that have automatic hand dryers: step 1: place hands under blower.. step 2: rub hands briskly.. step 3: wipe hands on pants.. like death and taxes..
i love watching halftime cheerleading routines where the girls look like they just met about 5 minutes before game time and hastily ran through a routine.. usually one girl has some idea of what's going on (which is negative because at some point it will require multiple girls to catch the one falling face first from the top of the pyramid) and the rest of the group is about .5 seconds behind and sneaking glances at the "captain".. all while rocking that glued-on smile.. so good..
one of my roommates likes to use my computer when i'm not home.. wait, it gets worse.. when i get home, a lot of the times the wallpaper on my computer has been changed to a nude, obese woman with her legs spread wide open.. i'll just look at it and say, "really?" and he'll break out laughing.. i don't want to know where he finds websites for that stuff.. that's what i live with, never boring..
so let me get this straight.. the guy on "Man Vs. Wild" on Discovery eats yak livers and eyeballs to stay alive? and he makes toothpaste out of leaves? and sunscreen out of coconuts? and he kills rabbits with boomerangs? i might have to change my "if you were ever stranded on a desert island, who would you want with you" person.. it might be Bear Grylls.. apologies to Megan Fox..
there was a fight in the WNBA last week which resulted in multiple suspensions and one torn ACL.. imagine if this happened in a sport anyone gave a shit about..
a couple weeks ago i was asked to sub for a softball team and when we got to the field, there was a little league baseball game wrapping up.. i'll paint the picture: 6 infielders looking at ants and scuffling their feet, yelling at the pitcher to throw strikes.. 75 outfielders throwing their gloves at each other and giggling, cutest ever.. a pitcher who's bawling because he can't throw strikes, a catcher who throws the ball past the pitcher 70% of the time and coaches who are wondering why they signed up for this.. at least there were no psycho parents there yelling at any kids.. they play for the fun of the game, not to be Joe Mauer.. they'll grow into that.. i thought it was awesome..
if your kid believes in Santa Claus, they'll also believe this: "your mom and i were just 'wrestling'".. use it on a rainy day or night..
at a Joe Nichols concert in my hometown this past weekend when a girl that, until then, was only known to me as "the hottest cheerleader of my high school era", informed me that she's a fan of my blog (hopefully she's not offended by that, besides she's married and has a daughter.. lets calm down people.. i appreciate her being my "biggest fan" however.. hope the coffee's good and baby is still sleeping, lol).. anyway, her and my sister combined to give me some girl advice, which was "don't think about it so much and it'll just happen".. which i'm sure is true but that's easy to say when you're married and have a kid or have been in a relationship for over a year and a half, as they are, respectively.. when you're 25 and see that, combined with one of your roommates getting engaged within the past month, it's harder to do.. but i see their point.. the Open Air '08 diary from a few posts ago was embellished for entertainment purposes, it was an ongoing joke throughout the night, but it feels like everyone else is in relationships so it's like "hmm, maybe i should give that a try".. ha.. i see guys who are dating girls and then are hung up on other girls strictly for superficial reasons and i'm like "really? is that what we're still doing?".. oh well, i'm still young.. at least i haven't texted those late night "date commercials" yet.. that's probably the final straw..
what happened to the good ol' days when only one blade on a razor accomplished what you needed? the Mach 3 razor that i own accomplishes the following: first blade: cuts hair.. second blade: cuts skin.. third blade: opens wound requiring a tourniquet.. when shaving requires a first aid kit and a Boy Scout on standby, maybe we're being a bit aggressive with the razors?
why are alarm clock rings the most annoying sound in the history of the world? if it's loud, we're going to wake up, we don't need to wake up pissed off at the world.. and i could have swore that on/off button was on the top right when i went to bed, why is it nowhere to be found right now? most weekdays begin with me blindly and half-consciously reaching over to my alarm clock, slapping at it a few times before saying "are you fucking kidding me?" and having to sit up half naked and inspect it like i'm disconnecting a bomb.. and how long does the snooze button last these days? 15 seconds? in a related story, i'm not a morning person..
i hate when sales people try to sell me a service agreement.. they always try to sell it like "in case something should happen after the factory warranty expires, you'll be able to fix it free of cost if you buy this 2-year service agreement for $3,000".. what they really should say is "you want this because i get commission on it and our product is designed to break down 5 seconds after the warranty expires".. i usually get suckered into it because i don't want to pay the $595 it costs to get a new fan in a laptop computer.. i'm flaky..
spent time in Boston over the winter for work and came to this conclusion: 95% of people who ride a train are clinically insane.. we were on a train riding into downtown Boston and we got delayed a little bit when this guy starts screaming at the top of his lungs for the train to start moving.. either he a) forgot to take his medication, b) was pissed at an offseason Red Sox move, or c) was late for his job interview at MIT..
get this, i bought a medium popcorn and large Icee at the movie theater for $10.50 and neither had the decency to massage my inner-thigh at any point.. even during the previews.. how does this make any sense? at that price, i kinda wish i would have eaten the popcorn a little slower but it's been scientifically proven that you can't eat popcorn less than one handful at a time.. basically you're racing other movie-goers to see who can get done first, like you've all been stranded on a deserted island for the past 6 months.. classic.. but this is where you get your money's worth: you get a free refill if you finish your large soda.. so if you're still thirsty after you suffer a diabetic seizure from the bathtub full of sugar and syrup water, you're in luck..
here's the scene in 100% of restrooms that have automatic hand dryers: step 1: place hands under blower.. step 2: rub hands briskly.. step 3: wipe hands on pants.. like death and taxes..
i love watching halftime cheerleading routines where the girls look like they just met about 5 minutes before game time and hastily ran through a routine.. usually one girl has some idea of what's going on (which is negative because at some point it will require multiple girls to catch the one falling face first from the top of the pyramid) and the rest of the group is about .5 seconds behind and sneaking glances at the "captain".. all while rocking that glued-on smile.. so good..
one of my roommates likes to use my computer when i'm not home.. wait, it gets worse.. when i get home, a lot of the times the wallpaper on my computer has been changed to a nude, obese woman with her legs spread wide open.. i'll just look at it and say, "really?" and he'll break out laughing.. i don't want to know where he finds websites for that stuff.. that's what i live with, never boring..
so let me get this straight.. the guy on "Man Vs. Wild" on Discovery eats yak livers and eyeballs to stay alive? and he makes toothpaste out of leaves? and sunscreen out of coconuts? and he kills rabbits with boomerangs? i might have to change my "if you were ever stranded on a desert island, who would you want with you" person.. it might be Bear Grylls.. apologies to Megan Fox..
there was a fight in the WNBA last week which resulted in multiple suspensions and one torn ACL.. imagine if this happened in a sport anyone gave a shit about..
a couple weeks ago i was asked to sub for a softball team and when we got to the field, there was a little league baseball game wrapping up.. i'll paint the picture: 6 infielders looking at ants and scuffling their feet, yelling at the pitcher to throw strikes.. 75 outfielders throwing their gloves at each other and giggling, cutest ever.. a pitcher who's bawling because he can't throw strikes, a catcher who throws the ball past the pitcher 70% of the time and coaches who are wondering why they signed up for this.. at least there were no psycho parents there yelling at any kids.. they play for the fun of the game, not to be Joe Mauer.. they'll grow into that.. i thought it was awesome..
if your kid believes in Santa Claus, they'll also believe this: "your mom and i were just 'wrestling'".. use it on a rainy day or night..
at a Joe Nichols concert in my hometown this past weekend when a girl that, until then, was only known to me as "the hottest cheerleader of my high school era", informed me that she's a fan of my blog (hopefully she's not offended by that, besides she's married and has a daughter.. lets calm down people.. i appreciate her being my "biggest fan" however.. hope the coffee's good and baby is still sleeping, lol).. anyway, her and my sister combined to give me some girl advice, which was "don't think about it so much and it'll just happen".. which i'm sure is true but that's easy to say when you're married and have a kid or have been in a relationship for over a year and a half, as they are, respectively.. when you're 25 and see that, combined with one of your roommates getting engaged within the past month, it's harder to do.. but i see their point.. the Open Air '08 diary from a few posts ago was embellished for entertainment purposes, it was an ongoing joke throughout the night, but it feels like everyone else is in relationships so it's like "hmm, maybe i should give that a try".. ha.. i see guys who are dating girls and then are hung up on other girls strictly for superficial reasons and i'm like "really? is that what we're still doing?".. oh well, i'm still young.. at least i haven't texted those late night "date commercials" yet.. that's probably the final straw..
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
white lines and red lights..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by that guy at my work who's in his 40's and is on Facebook.. how's the love life?
the award for "Former Boy Band Member Who Has Successfully Ditched the Boy Band Stereotype and Become a Productive Member of Society" goes to Justin Timberlake.. the job he did on SNL and hosting the ESPY Awards were hilarious, plus he loves sports.. and he slept with Britney before the other 283 guys.. i know, i'm surprised too.. God must have spent a little more time on him..
if i see someone wearing a sweatband on their wrist anywhere other than a basketball court, football field or baseball diamond, my immediate reaction is, "i don't like you".. this also applies to anyone who wears a visor upside down and sideways anywhere in public..
to determine whether or not you and your significant other are compatible, your Zodiac signs matter about 28,391,147th most.. but keep reading your horoscope, you and a Scorpio will "heat up" on the 23rd.. clear your schedule..
girls, having an all-around active lifestyle matters way more than you training for a half marathon 5 years ago and then giving up exercise to follow your pie-eating career.. keep it up.. you'll feel hotter and we'll think you look hotter.. it's a win-win..
in the last week, 2 girls on Facebook requested to be my friend because they "saw me in a group i was in".. this doesn't mean we're friends.. i probably know .0001% of people i'm in groups with and we don't hang out.. if i've never seen you in real-life, we're not friends.. act accordingly.. this goes for you self-employed models on MySpace too.. just because you know how to set the timer on your camera and wear butt-floss doesn't mean i'm interested in adding you to my friends.. your name is Desiree and you live in South Beach, we're not compatible.. unless you're an Aries..
2 things made your day go better in elementary school.. playing trench in Phy Ed and successfully spelling "boobies" upside down on a calculator and showing your friends.. also, any day you didn't get tested for Scoliosis.. i always thought i'd come out of there in a wheelchair, never to walk again.. oh, and any day you played baseball and didn't take a one-hop off the seeds.. it was tough to explain to the choir teacher why you were singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in soprano..
the commercial where Jared from Subway holds up his "fat pants" continuously plays in Hell.. i think he's actually holding the tarp they use to cover Fenway Park when it rains..
the official "I Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Me" uniform is an oversized Tweety Bird t-shirt.. the girls on "Cops" must have a place to meet where they hand off the shirt and talk about food stamps and only getting slapped twice that week..
i'm guessing the text forward i got last night at 1:00 a.m. that read, "the post office just released a new stamp in the shape of a vagina, but it's not selling cause only 3% of men know how to lick it" was created by a woman.. i don't have a PhD in Quantum Physics, it's just a hunch.. also, consider me offended..
if you got a vasectomy and only found out it was botched when a girl told you she was pregnant, you've effectively ruined your weekend.. look on the bright side, you could have found out on the Maury Povich show with a bunch of other dudes who refuse to wear condoms, deodorant or shirts with sleeves.. this needs to be a pay-per-view event..
i've had just about enough of those security codes on the bottom of the pages where you order stuff with the blurry, crossed out letters that you need to decipher.. i'm fairly confident 50% of those letters are Chinese.. i don't even know where the upside down, lower case 'y' key is..
on a somber note, we put our family dog, Rascal, to sleep last night.. he was almost 14 years old, so it was getting to be that point but there's something about seeing your dad cry for the 3rd time in your life that makes it something more.. my dad would walk outside and Rascal would be right behind him, or he'd sit in a lawn chair and listen to the Twins game and Rascal would lay down right beside him.. sounds funny and cliche', but in this case "man's best friend" was true.. i haven't cried that much in a long time as i did on Sunday night while saying goodbye to him and seeing him so sick.. i just took it for granted that every time i pulled into my parents driveway that he'd be by my door to greet me with his cute freckles.. i'll miss that..
the award for "Former Boy Band Member Who Has Successfully Ditched the Boy Band Stereotype and Become a Productive Member of Society" goes to Justin Timberlake.. the job he did on SNL and hosting the ESPY Awards were hilarious, plus he loves sports.. and he slept with Britney before the other 283 guys.. i know, i'm surprised too.. God must have spent a little more time on him..
if i see someone wearing a sweatband on their wrist anywhere other than a basketball court, football field or baseball diamond, my immediate reaction is, "i don't like you".. this also applies to anyone who wears a visor upside down and sideways anywhere in public..
to determine whether or not you and your significant other are compatible, your Zodiac signs matter about 28,391,147th most.. but keep reading your horoscope, you and a Scorpio will "heat up" on the 23rd.. clear your schedule..
girls, having an all-around active lifestyle matters way more than you training for a half marathon 5 years ago and then giving up exercise to follow your pie-eating career.. keep it up.. you'll feel hotter and we'll think you look hotter.. it's a win-win..
in the last week, 2 girls on Facebook requested to be my friend because they "saw me in a group i was in".. this doesn't mean we're friends.. i probably know .0001% of people i'm in groups with and we don't hang out.. if i've never seen you in real-life, we're not friends.. act accordingly.. this goes for you self-employed models on MySpace too.. just because you know how to set the timer on your camera and wear butt-floss doesn't mean i'm interested in adding you to my friends.. your name is Desiree and you live in South Beach, we're not compatible.. unless you're an Aries..
2 things made your day go better in elementary school.. playing trench in Phy Ed and successfully spelling "boobies" upside down on a calculator and showing your friends.. also, any day you didn't get tested for Scoliosis.. i always thought i'd come out of there in a wheelchair, never to walk again.. oh, and any day you played baseball and didn't take a one-hop off the seeds.. it was tough to explain to the choir teacher why you were singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in soprano..
the commercial where Jared from Subway holds up his "fat pants" continuously plays in Hell.. i think he's actually holding the tarp they use to cover Fenway Park when it rains..
the official "I Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Me" uniform is an oversized Tweety Bird t-shirt.. the girls on "Cops" must have a place to meet where they hand off the shirt and talk about food stamps and only getting slapped twice that week..
i'm guessing the text forward i got last night at 1:00 a.m. that read, "the post office just released a new stamp in the shape of a vagina, but it's not selling cause only 3% of men know how to lick it" was created by a woman.. i don't have a PhD in Quantum Physics, it's just a hunch.. also, consider me offended..
if you got a vasectomy and only found out it was botched when a girl told you she was pregnant, you've effectively ruined your weekend.. look on the bright side, you could have found out on the Maury Povich show with a bunch of other dudes who refuse to wear condoms, deodorant or shirts with sleeves.. this needs to be a pay-per-view event..
i've had just about enough of those security codes on the bottom of the pages where you order stuff with the blurry, crossed out letters that you need to decipher.. i'm fairly confident 50% of those letters are Chinese.. i don't even know where the upside down, lower case 'y' key is..
on a somber note, we put our family dog, Rascal, to sleep last night.. he was almost 14 years old, so it was getting to be that point but there's something about seeing your dad cry for the 3rd time in your life that makes it something more.. my dad would walk outside and Rascal would be right behind him, or he'd sit in a lawn chair and listen to the Twins game and Rascal would lay down right beside him.. sounds funny and cliche', but in this case "man's best friend" was true.. i haven't cried that much in a long time as i did on Sunday night while saying goodbye to him and seeing him so sick.. i just took it for granted that every time i pulled into my parents driveway that he'd be by my door to greet me with his cute freckles.. i'll miss that..
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Diary: Open Air 2008
this post is being unofficially brought to you by the people in the grocery store who think they're the only ones there..
this is a running diary of Open Air at the Side Bar on Saturday..
*disclaimer: this post will make me look like a stereotypical asshole who only cares about one thing regarding girls... those of you who know me know that's not true, so take this for what it's worth (nothing, just like everything else i write) :)
8:30: arrive in Cold Spring, park by the bank, paparazzi light bulbs flashing as i exit and stroll down the red carpet.. "what are you wearing??", they yell.. "Union Bay shorts from Kohl's and a Chicago Cubs hat", i say as Hollywood as i can..
8:35: begin to play darts when i see an angel with a giant rack standing by the ATM machine, like God had placed her there for me only.. i alert the rest of the people i'm with that i want to make out with her.. girls in the group trash talk her by saying she's "not a real blonde", to which i fake knowing already.. also, i'm happy they said something, to this point i hadn't realized she had hair.. i text people immediately to know we'll be registered at Target, Kohl's and Sex World..
8:40: start formulating clever opening lines or conversation topics:
"did you know it's breast cancer awareness month?" (wink)
"boy, the economy really sucks, huh?"
"maybe now's a good time to discuss the names of our unborn children?"
finally settle on this one: "excuse me, ma'am, but would it be okay if i made out with you and squeezed your left can in the porta-potty?".. chicks dig confidence.. i left mine in my other purse..
8:45: boombalottie working for 98 Country slaps two stickers on my butt and one on my crotch.. promising start..
8:50: receive text response from my brother saying "ask her out!".. which would be a great plan if this was 1986 and a drive-thru movie theater was nearby.. then we could do some "necking" and maybe end up "going steady"..
8:50-9:15: the onslaught of pressure continues from friends to go talk to her but it's still light out and my flaws are more evident.. although, i have been compared to Mark Wahlberg, albeit by a very drunk (and, i'm assuming, blind) female at the bar.. that's like comparing Vanilla Ice to Eminem.. i offered to take off my shirt to see if that helped.. it didn't..
9:25: wonder if she's as curious as i am as to whether she looks better wearing only my Adrian Peterson jersey or only one of my button-down dress shirts? i think she is..
9:26: wonder if she's at least 18.. i think she is..
9:30: "umm, i asked for a Miller Lite and this tastes like the ass sweat of a panda bear"..
9:40: i have to pee like a pile of frogs right now.. the chalkboard in the men's room indicates that Lou is not gay anymore but "Ryan really likes the blonde at the end of the bar".. fun.. my roommate is also in the bathroom and gives me this proposition: "here's $20 (puts a $20 bill in my pocket, marking the first time a man's hand has been in my pants while i was touching my penis), all you have to do is go talk to her for 5 minutes and it's yours"..
9:41: hand $20 back to roommate..
9:50: "she definitely keeps looking at you", i'm told.. wishing i was an asshole so i could go be disrespectful, take her home and wake the neighbors..
9:55: hey, a Carrie Underwood song!! which reminds me, if she doesn't start responding to my poems i'm taking her off my MySpace Top 8..
10:00: i could eat 17 of these hamburgers and wash it down by licking whipped cream and chocolate syrup off that girl.. that's probably more of a second date sort of thing though.. wonder if she's more of a "fire on the beach by the ocean" or "trip to the Colorado mountains" sort of girl.. honeymoon ideas..
10:10: roommate: "you talk to her yet?".. wish that Midol would kick in.. should have sprung for extra strength..
10:15: notice former high school classmate wearing a cowboy hat, boots and sleeveless t-shirt.. immediately cross him off the "threat list" and hoping he doesn't ask me to help him bale hay tomorrow..
10:20: two guys are peeing on that porta-potty.. isn't that ironic? it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, according to Alanis..
10:30: it's raining!! she's wearing white!! my pants hurt.. if i see her now i'm afraid i'll immediately propose.. i could wake up next to her for the next 65 years..
10:40: probably have a better chance with her if i speak to her but let's not get carried away, it's still early..
10:45: drinking a Morgan Coke?? maybe it's later than i thought..
10:50: when did it become acceptable for women to use the men's room at the bar? i'm assuming right around the time that drunk men became infatuated with scantily clad women.. thanks cavemen, i don't care if you invented the wheel and fire.. i have to pee like Johnny Damon right now..
11:00: SHE THINKS MY TRACTOR'S SEXY!!!
11:05: regret dancing to "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy"..
11:15: notice fake girlfriend hanging out with some hillbilly with a goatee by hamburger stand.. suddenly become hungry..
11:16: Goatee Hillbilly asks for cheeseburger, teenager politely informs GH they don't have cheese... "WHAT?!?"... umm, she said, "we don't have cheese", not "'you're mother is a whore".. calm down before you spook that squirrel on your chin..
11:17: want to hit GH in head with steel folding chair and steal girl, ala WWF wrestling..
11:18: instead walk away, tucking vagina between legs.. maybe my standards are too high.. should have hit on that overweight girl with the mustache..
11:25: listed in Vegas as "Probable (hangover)" for dinner at parents tomorrow..
11:30: leave for home.. couldn't tell you the name of everyone in the car but am absolutely certain i nailed the lyrics to both "Regulators" by Warren G and Nate Dogg, as well as "Cowboy" by Kid Rock.. poor consolation prize..
12:00: in bed, alone.. didn't talk to a girl, didn't leave with one.. isn't it ironic??
this is a running diary of Open Air at the Side Bar on Saturday..
*disclaimer: this post will make me look like a stereotypical asshole who only cares about one thing regarding girls... those of you who know me know that's not true, so take this for what it's worth (nothing, just like everything else i write) :)
8:30: arrive in Cold Spring, park by the bank, paparazzi light bulbs flashing as i exit and stroll down the red carpet.. "what are you wearing??", they yell.. "Union Bay shorts from Kohl's and a Chicago Cubs hat", i say as Hollywood as i can..
8:35: begin to play darts when i see an angel with a giant rack standing by the ATM machine, like God had placed her there for me only.. i alert the rest of the people i'm with that i want to make out with her.. girls in the group trash talk her by saying she's "not a real blonde", to which i fake knowing already.. also, i'm happy they said something, to this point i hadn't realized she had hair.. i text people immediately to know we'll be registered at Target, Kohl's and Sex World..
8:40: start formulating clever opening lines or conversation topics:
"did you know it's breast cancer awareness month?" (wink)
"boy, the economy really sucks, huh?"
"maybe now's a good time to discuss the names of our unborn children?"
finally settle on this one: "excuse me, ma'am, but would it be okay if i made out with you and squeezed your left can in the porta-potty?".. chicks dig confidence.. i left mine in my other purse..
8:45: boombalottie working for 98 Country slaps two stickers on my butt and one on my crotch.. promising start..
8:50: receive text response from my brother saying "ask her out!".. which would be a great plan if this was 1986 and a drive-thru movie theater was nearby.. then we could do some "necking" and maybe end up "going steady"..
8:50-9:15: the onslaught of pressure continues from friends to go talk to her but it's still light out and my flaws are more evident.. although, i have been compared to Mark Wahlberg, albeit by a very drunk (and, i'm assuming, blind) female at the bar.. that's like comparing Vanilla Ice to Eminem.. i offered to take off my shirt to see if that helped.. it didn't..
9:25: wonder if she's as curious as i am as to whether she looks better wearing only my Adrian Peterson jersey or only one of my button-down dress shirts? i think she is..
9:26: wonder if she's at least 18.. i think she is..
9:30: "umm, i asked for a Miller Lite and this tastes like the ass sweat of a panda bear"..
9:40: i have to pee like a pile of frogs right now.. the chalkboard in the men's room indicates that Lou is not gay anymore but "Ryan really likes the blonde at the end of the bar".. fun.. my roommate is also in the bathroom and gives me this proposition: "here's $20 (puts a $20 bill in my pocket, marking the first time a man's hand has been in my pants while i was touching my penis), all you have to do is go talk to her for 5 minutes and it's yours"..
9:41: hand $20 back to roommate..
9:50: "she definitely keeps looking at you", i'm told.. wishing i was an asshole so i could go be disrespectful, take her home and wake the neighbors..
9:55: hey, a Carrie Underwood song!! which reminds me, if she doesn't start responding to my poems i'm taking her off my MySpace Top 8..
10:00: i could eat 17 of these hamburgers and wash it down by licking whipped cream and chocolate syrup off that girl.. that's probably more of a second date sort of thing though.. wonder if she's more of a "fire on the beach by the ocean" or "trip to the Colorado mountains" sort of girl.. honeymoon ideas..
10:10: roommate: "you talk to her yet?".. wish that Midol would kick in.. should have sprung for extra strength..
10:15: notice former high school classmate wearing a cowboy hat, boots and sleeveless t-shirt.. immediately cross him off the "threat list" and hoping he doesn't ask me to help him bale hay tomorrow..
10:20: two guys are peeing on that porta-potty.. isn't that ironic? it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, according to Alanis..
10:30: it's raining!! she's wearing white!! my pants hurt.. if i see her now i'm afraid i'll immediately propose.. i could wake up next to her for the next 65 years..
10:40: probably have a better chance with her if i speak to her but let's not get carried away, it's still early..
10:45: drinking a Morgan Coke?? maybe it's later than i thought..
10:50: when did it become acceptable for women to use the men's room at the bar? i'm assuming right around the time that drunk men became infatuated with scantily clad women.. thanks cavemen, i don't care if you invented the wheel and fire.. i have to pee like Johnny Damon right now..
11:00: SHE THINKS MY TRACTOR'S SEXY!!!
11:05: regret dancing to "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy"..
11:15: notice fake girlfriend hanging out with some hillbilly with a goatee by hamburger stand.. suddenly become hungry..
11:16: Goatee Hillbilly asks for cheeseburger, teenager politely informs GH they don't have cheese... "WHAT?!?"... umm, she said, "we don't have cheese", not "'you're mother is a whore".. calm down before you spook that squirrel on your chin..
11:17: want to hit GH in head with steel folding chair and steal girl, ala WWF wrestling..
11:18: instead walk away, tucking vagina between legs.. maybe my standards are too high.. should have hit on that overweight girl with the mustache..
11:25: listed in Vegas as "Probable (hangover)" for dinner at parents tomorrow..
11:30: leave for home.. couldn't tell you the name of everyone in the car but am absolutely certain i nailed the lyrics to both "Regulators" by Warren G and Nate Dogg, as well as "Cowboy" by Kid Rock.. poor consolation prize..
12:00: in bed, alone.. didn't talk to a girl, didn't leave with one.. isn't it ironic??
Monday, July 7, 2008
you look good in my shirt..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by the two guys i saw in the lunch room at work doing a Sudoku puzzle together.. i half expected them to be sharing a malt with 2 straws and wearing each others high school letter jackets..
there's fun, there's really fun, and then there's bouncing golf balls off the tractor driven by the teenager making minimum wage who's picking up the range balls..
guys fear the phrase "we need to talk" as much as girls fear Porta-Potties.. it means either, "i'm pregnant" or "you fucked up, big time".. either way, we're looking for the next flight to Kuala Lumpur..
why are major league ballboys either 74-year-old men or 14-year-old girls? this old guy couldn't get out of bed this morning unassisted and he's currently suspenders-deep in a fantasy about a threesome with Angela Lansbury and Sue Johanson from the "Sunday Night Sex Show".. now you want him to get his body in front of a Manny Ramirez line drive? and i might be alone on this but i feel there are better ways for Girl Scouts to get their Courage badges than risking orthodontic work during the 7Th inning stretch..
in no particular order, here are some of my favorite moments in sports, past and present:
- a hail Mary from Daunte Culpepper to Randy Moss
- Adrian Peterson straight running clowns over and sprinting to the end zone
- Minnesota Wild playoff overtime games
- WNBA fast break layups
- anything Carlos Gomez does, from stealing bases to sprinting to first base after a walk to smelling his bat to saying in an interview, "i can't wait to hit in front of Morneau, the catcher and the other guy".. pure comedy..
- that sound Maria Sharapova makes on her return shot
i can be alone in my car but every time i see someone change lanes without signaling, i say, "nice blinker, you fucking moron", without fail.. just like the morning starting with the sun rising in the east and Paris Hilton picking up her "emergency morning after pill"..
if you pass out and your friends duct tape you to a tree, shave your eyebrows off and post the video on YouTube, don't bring that up at a job interview or when your meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time.. you're welcome..
girls moan during sex, FYI
does anyone else miss "Next" on MTV? they get five of the biggest whores or douche bags on a bus (you know this because the girls are usually wearing skirts cut to mid-clitoris and have masking tape over their nipples, and the guys are usually wearing pink shirts with the collar popped and have spiked hair with frosted tips)... moving along, the gals come off the bus talking trash about how "he won't be able to resist these DD's".. well, he will if he sees your beer belly first or when you include "yellow" in the alphabet.. and the guys come out and say things like "i'm about to handle this".. handle what? the fact that you didn't get much sleep last night because there was an N*Sync concert on VH1 and then you played "Doom" online with your "computer friends"? anyway, also right when they leave the bus, a graphic comes on screen saying their name, age and 3 facts about said person.. how bizarre are these?? "Troy, 21, collects lint from other peoples belly buttons, can't wear socks on even-numbered days and was born a Siamese twin in Bangladesh".. terrific.. the best is when a chick spends like 3 hours on a date, gets "nexted" and says "i'm glad he 'nexted' me, i didn't like him anyway".. really? cause if i don't like someone, i usually don't make out with them in a hot tub and then wrestle a mountain lion to impress them.. that's about as believable as that guy on "To Catch A Predator" who's nude from the waist down but insists he drove 4 1/2 hours "just to talk" to the 13-year-old girl he met online.. right, with that 6-pack of wine coolers, web cam and unopened box of condoms that expired in 1996.. high comedy..
to increase your chances of sex on the first date, speak Italian.. i can't speak Italian but i can kiss French.. right continent, i feel that's close enough.. (also increasing chances of sex on the first date: showering and not wearing sweatpants)..
mall Santa's double as level 3 sex offenders.. act accordingly..
to pick the nicknames of minor league baseball teams, do they just flip to a page in the Almanac for Bizarre Wild Animals and go with it? some examples: Savannah Sand Gnats.. Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.. Toledo Mud Hens.. Brevard County Manatees.. Winston-Salem Warthogs.. i mean, are we serious here? what happened to the classic Cardinals or Tigers or Beavers? (thanks Oregon State!)
on the baseball topic, pregame handshakes between teammates have become slightly more complicated than the Pythagorean Theorem.. if you can remember all the jazz you throw in your 2 minute and 17 second-long handshake, you better never miss a hit-and-run sign from the third base coach..
who's relationship is the strongest? Johnny and June Carter Cash, Noah and Allie from "The Notebook" or that couple on "Cops" who called the police because they were drunkenly throwing cheeseburgers at each other BUT refused to press charges and civilly ended things with a hug? tough call.. by the way, i can neither confirm nor deny the rumors in 'US Weekly' that i watched "The Notebook" by myself in a Massachusetts hotel room.. and IF i did, i did not get "teary-eyed", it was just a really dusty January in the northeast..
if Hell played against Osama Bin Laden and 8 of his friends in a baseball game, Roseanne would sing the national anthem and Brett Favre would throw out the first pitch..
still haven't seen "The Strangers" but have heard it's "scary good".. who's going with me and holding my hand and laughing when i cover my face during the scary parts?
and lastly, a very heartfelt congratulations to my roommate Josh and his longtime girlfriend (and high school sweetheart) Dana for their engagement over the weekend.. very exciting, you make the perfect couple despite your personalities being about as contrasting as possible.. it works as well as any relationship i've ever seen.. very happy for you two and i call dibs on being the Godfather of your first child :)
there's fun, there's really fun, and then there's bouncing golf balls off the tractor driven by the teenager making minimum wage who's picking up the range balls..
guys fear the phrase "we need to talk" as much as girls fear Porta-Potties.. it means either, "i'm pregnant" or "you fucked up, big time".. either way, we're looking for the next flight to Kuala Lumpur..
why are major league ballboys either 74-year-old men or 14-year-old girls? this old guy couldn't get out of bed this morning unassisted and he's currently suspenders-deep in a fantasy about a threesome with Angela Lansbury and Sue Johanson from the "Sunday Night Sex Show".. now you want him to get his body in front of a Manny Ramirez line drive? and i might be alone on this but i feel there are better ways for Girl Scouts to get their Courage badges than risking orthodontic work during the 7Th inning stretch..
in no particular order, here are some of my favorite moments in sports, past and present:
- a hail Mary from Daunte Culpepper to Randy Moss
- Adrian Peterson straight running clowns over and sprinting to the end zone
- Minnesota Wild playoff overtime games
- WNBA fast break layups
- anything Carlos Gomez does, from stealing bases to sprinting to first base after a walk to smelling his bat to saying in an interview, "i can't wait to hit in front of Morneau, the catcher and the other guy".. pure comedy..
- that sound Maria Sharapova makes on her return shot
i can be alone in my car but every time i see someone change lanes without signaling, i say, "nice blinker, you fucking moron", without fail.. just like the morning starting with the sun rising in the east and Paris Hilton picking up her "emergency morning after pill"..
if you pass out and your friends duct tape you to a tree, shave your eyebrows off and post the video on YouTube, don't bring that up at a job interview or when your meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time.. you're welcome..
girls moan during sex, FYI
does anyone else miss "Next" on MTV? they get five of the biggest whores or douche bags on a bus (you know this because the girls are usually wearing skirts cut to mid-clitoris and have masking tape over their nipples, and the guys are usually wearing pink shirts with the collar popped and have spiked hair with frosted tips)... moving along, the gals come off the bus talking trash about how "he won't be able to resist these DD's".. well, he will if he sees your beer belly first or when you include "yellow" in the alphabet.. and the guys come out and say things like "i'm about to handle this".. handle what? the fact that you didn't get much sleep last night because there was an N*Sync concert on VH1 and then you played "Doom" online with your "computer friends"? anyway, also right when they leave the bus, a graphic comes on screen saying their name, age and 3 facts about said person.. how bizarre are these?? "Troy, 21, collects lint from other peoples belly buttons, can't wear socks on even-numbered days and was born a Siamese twin in Bangladesh".. terrific.. the best is when a chick spends like 3 hours on a date, gets "nexted" and says "i'm glad he 'nexted' me, i didn't like him anyway".. really? cause if i don't like someone, i usually don't make out with them in a hot tub and then wrestle a mountain lion to impress them.. that's about as believable as that guy on "To Catch A Predator" who's nude from the waist down but insists he drove 4 1/2 hours "just to talk" to the 13-year-old girl he met online.. right, with that 6-pack of wine coolers, web cam and unopened box of condoms that expired in 1996.. high comedy..
to increase your chances of sex on the first date, speak Italian.. i can't speak Italian but i can kiss French.. right continent, i feel that's close enough.. (also increasing chances of sex on the first date: showering and not wearing sweatpants)..
mall Santa's double as level 3 sex offenders.. act accordingly..
to pick the nicknames of minor league baseball teams, do they just flip to a page in the Almanac for Bizarre Wild Animals and go with it? some examples: Savannah Sand Gnats.. Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.. Toledo Mud Hens.. Brevard County Manatees.. Winston-Salem Warthogs.. i mean, are we serious here? what happened to the classic Cardinals or Tigers or Beavers? (thanks Oregon State!)
on the baseball topic, pregame handshakes between teammates have become slightly more complicated than the Pythagorean Theorem.. if you can remember all the jazz you throw in your 2 minute and 17 second-long handshake, you better never miss a hit-and-run sign from the third base coach..
who's relationship is the strongest? Johnny and June Carter Cash, Noah and Allie from "The Notebook" or that couple on "Cops" who called the police because they were drunkenly throwing cheeseburgers at each other BUT refused to press charges and civilly ended things with a hug? tough call.. by the way, i can neither confirm nor deny the rumors in 'US Weekly' that i watched "The Notebook" by myself in a Massachusetts hotel room.. and IF i did, i did not get "teary-eyed", it was just a really dusty January in the northeast..
if Hell played against Osama Bin Laden and 8 of his friends in a baseball game, Roseanne would sing the national anthem and Brett Favre would throw out the first pitch..
still haven't seen "The Strangers" but have heard it's "scary good".. who's going with me and holding my hand and laughing when i cover my face during the scary parts?
and lastly, a very heartfelt congratulations to my roommate Josh and his longtime girlfriend (and high school sweetheart) Dana for their engagement over the weekend.. very exciting, you make the perfect couple despite your personalities being about as contrasting as possible.. it works as well as any relationship i've ever seen.. very happy for you two and i call dibs on being the Godfather of your first child :)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
50 Things Men Wish Women Knew (and vice versa) - Men's Health
this is taken from Men's Health magazine and i agreed with about 100% of it.. basically, i should write for Men's Health instead of only posing for their underwear ads.. i'll bring it up at our next staff meeting.. anyway, to the article:
50 Things Men Wish You Knew
Universal guy truths that all women should understand
Editor's note: The tremendous recent reaction to the article "50 Things She Wishes You Knew" prompted the staff of Men's Health to compile this list in response (as a public service, of course).
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
28. Unless we're meeting my parents.
29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
33. We love ponytails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
and to give the girls their fair shake.. "50 Things Women Wish Men Knew".. guys, act accordingly..
50 Things She Wishes You Knew
Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
50 Things Men Wish You Knew
Universal guy truths that all women should understand
Editor's note: The tremendous recent reaction to the article "50 Things She Wishes You Knew" prompted the staff of Men's Health to compile this list in response (as a public service, of course).
1. Express yourself. It makes us proud, even if someone thinks you're wrong.
2. You look hot in running shoes and shorts. And that top thingy with the stripes.
3. Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
4. If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
5. If you're truly interested in us, don't play hard to get.
6. Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
7. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
8. No question need ever be asked through a closed bathroom door if I'm inside. I love you less with each syllable you utter.
9. I'm hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker.
10. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they’re your best sign that I’m not a whack job.
11. Don't be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
12. Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain't pretty.
13. You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
14. When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you're nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
15. I don't ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
16. Masturbation is merely practice for the big game. Encourage it.
17. We crave hugs and hand-holding too. And no, it doesn't always have to lead to sex.
18. But you can have sex with us any time you want. Did we mention that?
19. There's no better sound in the world than you, having an orgasm.
20. Though the exhaust note of a Porsche Boxster is pretty damn fine, too.
21. I just may lie to make you feel good. Don’t be angry about this. You really weren't looking for the truth anyway.
22. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
23. You’re really bad at faking it.
24. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you’re late.
25. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
26. Giving me two or three choices, however, can be fun. Assuming you will change outfits in front of me. Slowly.
27. Err on the side of hot; I love to show you off.
28. Unless we're meeting my parents.
29. When you call us at work "just to chat," we're not really listening; we're checking our e-mail.
30. Spring means baseball and skirts. Doesn't need to be a mini-skirt; it's been a long winter.
31. Chicks who drink beer are hot. Better yet: chicks who drink beer and watch the game. Better still: chicks who buy us a beer during the game.
32. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
33. We love ponytails.
34. Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
35. The first time? We're as nervous as you are.
36. A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
37. Make us laugh and we'll want to hang around.
38. Yes, I laugh really loud around the guys. And I always will, so deal.
39. Sure, men stereotypically like to solve a woman's problems. But a woman who solves her own while we watch? Instant erection.
40. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
41. Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words "naked" and "waiting."
42. Sometimes we wonder why any woman would want to be with us, much less someone as amazing as you. So, thanks.
43. Anytime you cook for us, we're happy.
44. If you can hit a golf ball 150 yards, we just might fall in love.
45. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
46. We love you even more because you know we need to go out with the guys once in a while.
47. And we love it when you hang with us guys, too.
48. We have a keen sense of imminent danger. It sounds like, "Do you think she's pretty?"
49. Don't rely on us for keeping you up on the news.
50. Never say, "I know you better than you know yourself." Nobody does.
and to give the girls their fair shake.. "50 Things Women Wish Men Knew".. guys, act accordingly..
50 Things She Wishes You Knew
Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
23. You should never tell me what to do.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
30. I want to be Madonna.
31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
41. I love it when you're sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
44. I like porn.
45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
49. I remember everything about our relationship.
50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
guitars and cadillacs..
this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by girls who chew tobacco, dudes who use metal detectors at the beach to look for "hidden treasures", and losers who spend all afternoon at Best Buy playing the video games..
around Christmas every year, i have to watch both "Home Alone" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation".. Christmas without these movies is like not having snow.. phenomenal movies..
guys, if you want out of a relationship, just hesitate when she asks, "do i look fat in this?".. first of all, you don't want to be in a relationship with a girl who tries to trap you with that question.. if you girls think you look fat in it, don't wear it and work a little harder at the gym next time.. we're fine with what you're wearing and what you were wearing both times before you changed.. just get dressed and don't make us late, that's all we ask.. and skip the underwear..
went to Cash Wise today and needed some sunscreen.. lucky for me, the only sunscreen i found was on the top shelf above the tampons and because God loves playing jokes on me, i bumped the shelf and knocked about 7 boxes of Tampax "something-glides" on the floor while an elderly couple stopped to gawk at me.. lovely.. i should have told them "Wheel of Fortune" was on or that they were late for their shuffleboard tournament..
how come you can't buy burgers and buns with the same quantity? today i bought a box of 9 burgers and obviously buns come in either 8 or 12-packs.. i wasn't fooled, it's just a ploy to make you buy more buns.. i blame the metric system.. and Martha Stewart..
one of my favorite guys is the guy at the gym who you've never spoken to but you need a spotter one day so you ask him.. he immediately turns into your personal trainer and starts yelling things at you like, "one more!" and "lock your elbows!".. it's awesome.. meanwhile, you just want him to keep the barbell from dropping on your Adam's apple and collapsing your esophagus.. one end of the bar is always lower than the other because one of your arms is spasming and giving out but this guy is having none of you giving up.. finally you finish your set and you go back to staring at the hot chicks, while he walks away with his hand wraps, chalk and leather weight belt to go drink his 3-gallon protein shake.. love that guy..
here's my gym story from tonight, not to sound all "jock" and "muscular" or whatever, just kinda funny.. i follow this workout program and today calls for chest and triceps and is only 4 lifts plus cardio if i want.. i was going to skip the cardio because my legs felt heavy today for some reason.. anyway, i get to the gym and my "gym wife" is there (basically just a racked-out blonde chick who i see a few times a week and want to make out with constantly.. i imagine she "moves her body like a cyclone and she makes me wanna do it all night long", copyright Baby Bash).. so she's at the gym tonight and i finish the lifts i was going to do, planning on leaving at this point.. but she's still there and in my area.. immediately i add 2 more lifts then follow her over to the ab workout area and bust out some ab exercises.. at this point, i'm there 20 minutes longer than i intended on, just because this girl hasn't left yet.. then she goes over to the elliptical machine and i figure she'll wind down for a few minutes and leave, so i go over to the treadmill and start running so i can watch her walk out.. anyway, 15 minutes, 1.6 miles and one dripping wet t-shirt later she finally walks out, making eye contact with me, rendering the whole experience worth it.. except that i neglected to put on my spandex shorts because i didn't expect to do cardio, so my balls weren't as festive and enthusiastic about it as i was.. oh well.. you're probably thinking "why don't you talk to her while you're there?".. well for two reasons: one, we both wear iPods while we work out, so that would be rude.. and two, i'm afraid i'll tear my vaginal wall.. my brother suggests this: "you can give her the eye contact and say hi without saying it.. she'll get the vibe.. then she'll come over and cook you waffles".. can't argue with that, right? i love waffles.. the lesson, as always: guys will do anything to attract girls, even risk "death by cardio"..
*happy birthday on July 4Th to one of my "blog groupies", Ashley! also a shout-out to America, born that day as well..
around Christmas every year, i have to watch both "Home Alone" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation".. Christmas without these movies is like not having snow.. phenomenal movies..
guys, if you want out of a relationship, just hesitate when she asks, "do i look fat in this?".. first of all, you don't want to be in a relationship with a girl who tries to trap you with that question.. if you girls think you look fat in it, don't wear it and work a little harder at the gym next time.. we're fine with what you're wearing and what you were wearing both times before you changed.. just get dressed and don't make us late, that's all we ask.. and skip the underwear..
went to Cash Wise today and needed some sunscreen.. lucky for me, the only sunscreen i found was on the top shelf above the tampons and because God loves playing jokes on me, i bumped the shelf and knocked about 7 boxes of Tampax "something-glides" on the floor while an elderly couple stopped to gawk at me.. lovely.. i should have told them "Wheel of Fortune" was on or that they were late for their shuffleboard tournament..
how come you can't buy burgers and buns with the same quantity? today i bought a box of 9 burgers and obviously buns come in either 8 or 12-packs.. i wasn't fooled, it's just a ploy to make you buy more buns.. i blame the metric system.. and Martha Stewart..
one of my favorite guys is the guy at the gym who you've never spoken to but you need a spotter one day so you ask him.. he immediately turns into your personal trainer and starts yelling things at you like, "one more!" and "lock your elbows!".. it's awesome.. meanwhile, you just want him to keep the barbell from dropping on your Adam's apple and collapsing your esophagus.. one end of the bar is always lower than the other because one of your arms is spasming and giving out but this guy is having none of you giving up.. finally you finish your set and you go back to staring at the hot chicks, while he walks away with his hand wraps, chalk and leather weight belt to go drink his 3-gallon protein shake.. love that guy..
here's my gym story from tonight, not to sound all "jock" and "muscular" or whatever, just kinda funny.. i follow this workout program and today calls for chest and triceps and is only 4 lifts plus cardio if i want.. i was going to skip the cardio because my legs felt heavy today for some reason.. anyway, i get to the gym and my "gym wife" is there (basically just a racked-out blonde chick who i see a few times a week and want to make out with constantly.. i imagine she "moves her body like a cyclone and she makes me wanna do it all night long", copyright Baby Bash).. so she's at the gym tonight and i finish the lifts i was going to do, planning on leaving at this point.. but she's still there and in my area.. immediately i add 2 more lifts then follow her over to the ab workout area and bust out some ab exercises.. at this point, i'm there 20 minutes longer than i intended on, just because this girl hasn't left yet.. then she goes over to the elliptical machine and i figure she'll wind down for a few minutes and leave, so i go over to the treadmill and start running so i can watch her walk out.. anyway, 15 minutes, 1.6 miles and one dripping wet t-shirt later she finally walks out, making eye contact with me, rendering the whole experience worth it.. except that i neglected to put on my spandex shorts because i didn't expect to do cardio, so my balls weren't as festive and enthusiastic about it as i was.. oh well.. you're probably thinking "why don't you talk to her while you're there?".. well for two reasons: one, we both wear iPods while we work out, so that would be rude.. and two, i'm afraid i'll tear my vaginal wall.. my brother suggests this: "you can give her the eye contact and say hi without saying it.. she'll get the vibe.. then she'll come over and cook you waffles".. can't argue with that, right? i love waffles.. the lesson, as always: guys will do anything to attract girls, even risk "death by cardio"..
*happy birthday on July 4Th to one of my "blog groupies", Ashley! also a shout-out to America, born that day as well..
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