* attn: bodybuilders: your balls are not proportionate to your body, thus rendering that speedo you're wearing absolutely ridiculous.. please don't kill me..
* attn: fat girls wearing belly shirts: just because your skinny best friend can fit that tank top doesn't mean you can too.. mix in a sweatshirt and/or treadmill.. if you're overweight, that's fine.. just act like it..
* attn: Twins CF Carlos Gomez: fouling off a 2-strike bunt attempt is a strike out.. fouling off a 2-strike pitch while swinging gives you another pitch.. i'm not great at math but this makes perfect sense to me.. we can always trade you for a folding chair and bocce ball set..
* attn: teenage girls: speaking in abbreviations is as cool as your N'Sync poster above your bed (read: not at all).. plus OMG!! it's so annoying.. braid each others hair and figure out that 2ND syllable in "people".. keep the abbrevs to the texting..
* attn: people who think others care about their NCAA March Madness bracket: we don't.. the fact that you're leading your office pool is roughly as significant as Lindsay Lohan having a drug counselor.. my mom has won these pools with this strategy: "which one of these teams wears blue suits?".. i rest my case..
* attn: old people: your blinker works, your toupee doesn't.. act accordingly..
* attn: drunk man at the bar: the hottest girl there didn't like you when you were sober and she likes you significantly less now that you've had 9 Jag Bomb's and called her the wrong name twice..
* attn: fielders who make errors: it wasn't the gloves fault so don't stare at it.. start taking steroids and you'll be fine..
* attn: Hollywood: no amount of makeup can make some people look attractive in HD TV..
* attn: motorcycle owners: two men should never be on the same motorcycle for any reason..
* attn: creepy man: you shouldn't be at the strip club alone, nor with that "level 3 sex offender" look on your face..
* attn: girls who cut my hair: it's okay to rest your boobs on my shoulder.. it's not okay to talk to me while doing so..
* attn: drinkers: everything sounds like a good idea after 7 Vodka Sours.. tomorrow it will be a very bad idea and being arrested for peeing on a bar rarely looks good on a resume..
* attn: adults age 18 or over: it's not okay to invite others over to play video games unless alcohol is involved..
* attn: males over age 29: if you have earrings, you better be a pro athlete or the lead singer of a well known band..
*attn: girls: we're really not looking at Playboy just for the articles.. they put naked ladies in there.. we like naked ladies..
* attn: condom makers: why does the inside have to feel like the driest place in the history of civilization? girls get "lubed" and "ribbed" and we get "cactus dry".. clean it up..
* attn: Paris Hilton: you deserve congratulations for being the only person to be famous only because she's a whore.. i'd hug you but i haven't had my gonorrhea shot..
* attn: nerds: wearing socks with sandals is not acceptable unless you're at a Star Trek convention or major Math Team event..
* attn: coffee industry: coffee makes most people race themselves to the bathroom and has since the beginning of time.. figure it out.. it's nearly impossible to look cool while gripping your butt closed..
* attn: Jerry O'Connell: the fact that the fat kid from "Stand By Me" is now housing a supermodel gives every male hope (albeit false hope) that they can do the same.. i applaud and boo you simultaneously..
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
urinal etiquette, facial hair, nerds and infomercials..
okay boys, since all of us don't know the rules, here is what needs to be done while at a urinal: 1) don't talk to me unless we're in the same circle of friends.. one of my rules is "never talk to a man who's holding his penis".. i believe all men should behave similarly.. 2) keep both hands below your waist.. i don't need the guy next to me with his hands on his hips or one hand leaning against the wall or playing with a yo-yo.. i know it's not hard to aim into a urinal, but just practice for your toilet at home.. it would make me more comfortable.. 3) eyes straight ahead UNLESS at the bar and a very lubed up and racked out female walks in demanding to use the men's restroom.. then you can look at her.. NEVER look at another man.. if he demands you look at him at gunpoint, don't fall for it.. he's just testing you.. if he has claimed to have kidnapped your children, make him describe them, then proceed as you see fit..
writer's note: i'm currently rocking sporadic facial hair that makes me look slightly more white trash than Kevin Federline, or "K-Fed".. it's a nickname i made up.. feel free to use it..
why do people go to professional baseball games and do other things besides watch the game? you're paying a ridiculous amount of money to attend the game, park, drink a beer and destroy a hot dog and you sit in your seat doing a crossword puzzle? really? i've never gone to a baseball game and done anything other than watch the game.. if you want to fill out a crossword puzzle, stay at home and save yourself the $100 (and that's probably low).. what's next? you write out your bills at the ballpark? do your taxes? bring your lap top? whatever.. if i'm paying an insane amount of money to not pay attention, i'll do it at school..
you're officially a nerd if you are out of high school and attend a high school prom.. i don't care if you've been dating since elementary school, she has to go with a friend, probably a female friend.. even if you're a freshman in college and she's a senior in high school, it doesn't matter.. you know why girls don't ever come back for guys? cause they're getting drunk, fucking the college guys and forgetting about their "high school sweetheart".. so let that puppy dog romance go, mix in a frat party and smooth talk the chick who's .20 BAC is affecting her decision-making.. it's what grown-ups do..
staying on the "nerd" topic: how about those stickers on trucks that have Calvin peeing on another truck brands logo? we already know you're a giant douche bag by how loud your truck is, we don't need childish stickers to reinforce the idea.. the same goes for women who drive trucks and have "Real Women Drive Trucks" stickers.. if my (future) girlfriend would tell me she's getting a truck, it would lead to this exchange: her: "i'm getting a truck".. me: "i'm breaking up with you".. her: "and i'm getting one of those 'Real Women Drive Trucks' stickers in my back window".. me: "enjoy your future lesbian relationships and good luck in the WNBA".. women are women for a reason, they don't need to drive trucks or have body hair (or any hair below their eyelids, for that matter).. why not start chewing tobacco and get rid of that pesky "too many teeth" problem while you're at it?..
if i see another late-night infomercial that starts out "Billy Mays here...!!" and tries to sell me knives that can cut through diamonds, giant bean bag chairs you can hibernate on, or vacuums that can suck up bowling balls (finally!!), i will immediately go to the garage and place my marble bag (see: testicles) on the belt sander.. it would be immensely less painful.. i don't care that it's originally $3 million and you're selling it to me for 4 easy payments of $19.99.. i don't care that you're throwing in an extra scrotum shaver with my eyebrow trimmer.. it's 3 a.m., save your energy, you're way too fired up about that fucking mop..
writer's note: i'm currently rocking sporadic facial hair that makes me look slightly more white trash than Kevin Federline, or "K-Fed".. it's a nickname i made up.. feel free to use it..
why do people go to professional baseball games and do other things besides watch the game? you're paying a ridiculous amount of money to attend the game, park, drink a beer and destroy a hot dog and you sit in your seat doing a crossword puzzle? really? i've never gone to a baseball game and done anything other than watch the game.. if you want to fill out a crossword puzzle, stay at home and save yourself the $100 (and that's probably low).. what's next? you write out your bills at the ballpark? do your taxes? bring your lap top? whatever.. if i'm paying an insane amount of money to not pay attention, i'll do it at school..
you're officially a nerd if you are out of high school and attend a high school prom.. i don't care if you've been dating since elementary school, she has to go with a friend, probably a female friend.. even if you're a freshman in college and she's a senior in high school, it doesn't matter.. you know why girls don't ever come back for guys? cause they're getting drunk, fucking the college guys and forgetting about their "high school sweetheart".. so let that puppy dog romance go, mix in a frat party and smooth talk the chick who's .20 BAC is affecting her decision-making.. it's what grown-ups do..
staying on the "nerd" topic: how about those stickers on trucks that have Calvin peeing on another truck brands logo? we already know you're a giant douche bag by how loud your truck is, we don't need childish stickers to reinforce the idea.. the same goes for women who drive trucks and have "Real Women Drive Trucks" stickers.. if my (future) girlfriend would tell me she's getting a truck, it would lead to this exchange: her: "i'm getting a truck".. me: "i'm breaking up with you".. her: "and i'm getting one of those 'Real Women Drive Trucks' stickers in my back window".. me: "enjoy your future lesbian relationships and good luck in the WNBA".. women are women for a reason, they don't need to drive trucks or have body hair (or any hair below their eyelids, for that matter).. why not start chewing tobacco and get rid of that pesky "too many teeth" problem while you're at it?..
if i see another late-night infomercial that starts out "Billy Mays here...!!" and tries to sell me knives that can cut through diamonds, giant bean bag chairs you can hibernate on, or vacuums that can suck up bowling balls (finally!!), i will immediately go to the garage and place my marble bag (see: testicles) on the belt sander.. it would be immensely less painful.. i don't care that it's originally $3 million and you're selling it to me for 4 easy payments of $19.99.. i don't care that you're throwing in an extra scrotum shaver with my eyebrow trimmer.. it's 3 a.m., save your energy, you're way too fired up about that fucking mop..
Thursday, May 22, 2008
a lot of nonsense.. i was bored..
i heard the other day that there was a study done that showed 80% of Americans use their cell phone while driving.. really? how much money did we spend on this study? you could have spent zero dollars by going to any random place (a mall, sporting event, school, etc.) and asked 100 people if they use their phone while they drive and got the same results.. has anyone ever had their phone ring while driving and thought "ya know, talking on the phone while driving is dangerous, i'm not going to answer that"? absolutely not.. you might receive a text and not answer until you reach your destination but even that is really too much to ask.. how about we spend our money on studies that we could actually use, like what is it about hot girls that makes male brains absolutely shut down and forget how to speak.. or why do girls like guys that treat them like shit? this is stuff that we really need to know..
i don't care what smokers say, you can't "stop smoking whenever you want".. if you can, what is it that you enjoy about it? the increased chance of getting several dangerous diseases? paying $5 a pack to do so? ruining your clothes? your face looking like a catchers mitt? no one wanting to be in the same room as you? yes, this all sounds pleasant.. so what you really mean when you say you can quit is, "i know smoking does nothing beneficial for me but i'm addicted now so i'll just say negative things about it so people don't bug me about quitting".. it's fine if you smoke, just don't act like it's the easiest thing in the world to quit.. if it was, more people would do so..
guys and girls dance for different reasons.. you will NEVER hear a group of guys talk about going out to dance.. girls do this all the time.. girls go out dancing to forget about guys.. guys dance hoping to drunkenly make out with a girl.. that's the only purpose.. girls are usually good dancers.. most guys dance like an octopus falling out of a tree.. it's not attractive one bit.. but we know that and we're still too drunk to care.. i'll get out on the dance floor and look like the biggest idiot there but i have fun doing it.. and obviously i have a hidden agenda, i'm trying to grind on and make out with a random red-hot, racked out chick.. otherwise i'd be in the corner watching Sportscenter.. at least now you girls know.. we're doing it for you, be grateful..
i learned today that one of my co-workers has kidney stones, which i've heard is one of the most painful medical situations to deal with... my dad had them a while back and he has backed that statement.. evidently if you get them, you notice blood in your urine.. if i see blood in my urine, my immediate thought would be, "well, it was a good run".. i'd be assuming the worst right away, like i had less than a week to live.. but blood in your urine, can you imagine what goes through your head at that point? on the list of stuff i want to see coming out of my penis, blood or stones didn't make the cut.. not even "honorable mention".. the list basically consists of urine and baby making stuff.. that's it.. anything else and i'm on my way to the hospital.. actually i could live with beer coming out of there.. i'd still probably head to the hospital but i'd need a designated driver.. in all honesty, i might piss Miller Lite.. i'm fairly confident they taste exactly the same.. not to trivialize childbirth for women but i think kidney stones for men would be a somewhat comparable pain.. BUT to get pregnant you get to have sex and when childbirth is over you get to take home a kid and love them.. when you pass a kidney stone you get to take home a plastic cup with stones in it.. advantage: females, right? just kidding girls, we appreciate you carrying our offspring.. just give us the same sentimental treatment if we end up with kidney stones..
received a text today from my sister reminiscing about one particular moment of a tape of our high school overnight grad party.. they went around to all the students asking what they planned to do after high school, and one fellow male classmate of ours said word for word "i think i'm going to run my baler for a while and see what happens".. i don't want to ruin the ending but i'm fairly sure "virginity" happened.. "never seeing female breasts or genitalia" happened.. women may think Kenny Chesney's "tractor is sexy" but they don't think this guys baler is sexy.. he probably spends his weekends doing chores and watching Nascar, hoping the price of beans and corn goes up.. i just don't understand it.. God bless farmers, they are absolutely necessary to keep the country running, but i honestly don't get it.. i spent several summers as a little guy helping my cousins bale hay and every minute of it sucked.. the only thing i could think of was going to the lake afterwards, or wondering if they'd let me go home if i stuck my head in the baler.. definitely not something i'd want to do for a living.. give me an air conditioned office with several boombalottie secretaries wearing low-cut tops, thank you very much..
is anyone else scared to death by the preview of "The Strangers" that's on TV now? my God, where is my baby blanket? just those masks are scary as hell.. "why are you doing this?" "because you were home".. oh, ummm do you mind if i step out for a bit? i have some errands to run.. at least it's based on actual events, so that makes it 3 million times scarier.. i can't wait to see it and scream like a girl scout..
i don't care what smokers say, you can't "stop smoking whenever you want".. if you can, what is it that you enjoy about it? the increased chance of getting several dangerous diseases? paying $5 a pack to do so? ruining your clothes? your face looking like a catchers mitt? no one wanting to be in the same room as you? yes, this all sounds pleasant.. so what you really mean when you say you can quit is, "i know smoking does nothing beneficial for me but i'm addicted now so i'll just say negative things about it so people don't bug me about quitting".. it's fine if you smoke, just don't act like it's the easiest thing in the world to quit.. if it was, more people would do so..
guys and girls dance for different reasons.. you will NEVER hear a group of guys talk about going out to dance.. girls do this all the time.. girls go out dancing to forget about guys.. guys dance hoping to drunkenly make out with a girl.. that's the only purpose.. girls are usually good dancers.. most guys dance like an octopus falling out of a tree.. it's not attractive one bit.. but we know that and we're still too drunk to care.. i'll get out on the dance floor and look like the biggest idiot there but i have fun doing it.. and obviously i have a hidden agenda, i'm trying to grind on and make out with a random red-hot, racked out chick.. otherwise i'd be in the corner watching Sportscenter.. at least now you girls know.. we're doing it for you, be grateful..
i learned today that one of my co-workers has kidney stones, which i've heard is one of the most painful medical situations to deal with... my dad had them a while back and he has backed that statement.. evidently if you get them, you notice blood in your urine.. if i see blood in my urine, my immediate thought would be, "well, it was a good run".. i'd be assuming the worst right away, like i had less than a week to live.. but blood in your urine, can you imagine what goes through your head at that point? on the list of stuff i want to see coming out of my penis, blood or stones didn't make the cut.. not even "honorable mention".. the list basically consists of urine and baby making stuff.. that's it.. anything else and i'm on my way to the hospital.. actually i could live with beer coming out of there.. i'd still probably head to the hospital but i'd need a designated driver.. in all honesty, i might piss Miller Lite.. i'm fairly confident they taste exactly the same.. not to trivialize childbirth for women but i think kidney stones for men would be a somewhat comparable pain.. BUT to get pregnant you get to have sex and when childbirth is over you get to take home a kid and love them.. when you pass a kidney stone you get to take home a plastic cup with stones in it.. advantage: females, right? just kidding girls, we appreciate you carrying our offspring.. just give us the same sentimental treatment if we end up with kidney stones..
received a text today from my sister reminiscing about one particular moment of a tape of our high school overnight grad party.. they went around to all the students asking what they planned to do after high school, and one fellow male classmate of ours said word for word "i think i'm going to run my baler for a while and see what happens".. i don't want to ruin the ending but i'm fairly sure "virginity" happened.. "never seeing female breasts or genitalia" happened.. women may think Kenny Chesney's "tractor is sexy" but they don't think this guys baler is sexy.. he probably spends his weekends doing chores and watching Nascar, hoping the price of beans and corn goes up.. i just don't understand it.. God bless farmers, they are absolutely necessary to keep the country running, but i honestly don't get it.. i spent several summers as a little guy helping my cousins bale hay and every minute of it sucked.. the only thing i could think of was going to the lake afterwards, or wondering if they'd let me go home if i stuck my head in the baler.. definitely not something i'd want to do for a living.. give me an air conditioned office with several boombalottie secretaries wearing low-cut tops, thank you very much..
is anyone else scared to death by the preview of "The Strangers" that's on TV now? my God, where is my baby blanket? just those masks are scary as hell.. "why are you doing this?" "because you were home".. oh, ummm do you mind if i step out for a bit? i have some errands to run.. at least it's based on actual events, so that makes it 3 million times scarier.. i can't wait to see it and scream like a girl scout..
Monday, May 19, 2008
oh, you were drunk? then it makes sense..
"i was drunk" is an acceptable excuse for doing the following:
* walking a long distance after the bar closes
* punching your best friend
* making out with a stranger
* falling out of a boat
* a man hugging another man
* crying over a sporting event
* getting a tattoo
* having no idea where your pants are
* having no idea who the person in your bed is
* texting or calling the person you like at 3 a.m.
* nearly getting kicked out of a concert (Nik)..
* drawing on passed out friends
* playing video games for 6 consecutive hours
* eating an entire bag of Doritos
* having meaningless sex with a blogger :)
* grinding on the hot girl on the dance floor
* doing karaoke
* telling someone they're "fucking hot"
* building a snowman
* crashing a wedding
* peeing in public
* inventing a new dance for "Soulja Boi"
* eating peanuts or popcorn for over an hour at the bar
* thinking the louder you talk, the more interesting you sound
* agreeing to do anything before noon the next day
* agreeing to be someone's Godparent, best man or bridesmaid
* thinking you're not drunk yet
* getting McDonald's at 3 a.m.
* eating at Perkins at 2 a.m.
* getting kicked off an airplane, out of a bar, out of a cab, anywhere..
* thinking you have model-looks
* thinking your ex wants a text or phone call after not speaking for months
* losing your cell phone
* forgetting your address
* thinking the stripper wants to have sex with you
* proposing a threesome with your girlfriend, or two random girls at the bar
* thinking everyone else wants to hear you say every word to the movie your watching
* agreeing to do anything more than a month away
* falling asleep anywhere
* calling someone sober for a ride at 4 a.m. on a weekday
* running from the cops
that's all i can come up with.. by the way, on the "uncomfortable scale", where does the "drunken phone conversation with your ex" land? gotta be somewhere between "falling down the stairs at a professional sporting event" and a "boy scout sleepover at Neverland Ranch", right? you ALWAYS regret it the next morning.. cell phones should come equipped with Breathalyzers and if you blow over a .08, the only places it can call is "home", "cab" or 911.. it would save people so many embarrassing conversations and apologies the next morning.. unless it led to a drunken booty call, then it's easier to deal with..
* walking a long distance after the bar closes
* punching your best friend
* making out with a stranger
* falling out of a boat
* a man hugging another man
* crying over a sporting event
* getting a tattoo
* having no idea where your pants are
* having no idea who the person in your bed is
* texting or calling the person you like at 3 a.m.
* nearly getting kicked out of a concert (Nik)..
* drawing on passed out friends
* playing video games for 6 consecutive hours
* eating an entire bag of Doritos
* having meaningless sex with a blogger :)
* grinding on the hot girl on the dance floor
* doing karaoke
* telling someone they're "fucking hot"
* building a snowman
* crashing a wedding
* peeing in public
* inventing a new dance for "Soulja Boi"
* eating peanuts or popcorn for over an hour at the bar
* thinking the louder you talk, the more interesting you sound
* agreeing to do anything before noon the next day
* agreeing to be someone's Godparent, best man or bridesmaid
* thinking you're not drunk yet
* getting McDonald's at 3 a.m.
* eating at Perkins at 2 a.m.
* getting kicked off an airplane, out of a bar, out of a cab, anywhere..
* thinking you have model-looks
* thinking your ex wants a text or phone call after not speaking for months
* losing your cell phone
* forgetting your address
* thinking the stripper wants to have sex with you
* proposing a threesome with your girlfriend, or two random girls at the bar
* thinking everyone else wants to hear you say every word to the movie your watching
* agreeing to do anything more than a month away
* falling asleep anywhere
* calling someone sober for a ride at 4 a.m. on a weekday
* running from the cops
that's all i can come up with.. by the way, on the "uncomfortable scale", where does the "drunken phone conversation with your ex" land? gotta be somewhere between "falling down the stairs at a professional sporting event" and a "boy scout sleepover at Neverland Ranch", right? you ALWAYS regret it the next morning.. cell phones should come equipped with Breathalyzers and if you blow over a .08, the only places it can call is "home", "cab" or 911.. it would save people so many embarrassing conversations and apologies the next morning.. unless it led to a drunken booty call, then it's easier to deal with..
how to get on "Cops", why cheerleading isn't a sport, and cell phone ringtones..
if you are looking to appear on "Cops", which is one of my lifetime goals, here are some prerequisites:
* you must be addicted to something (i.e. meth, alcohol, heroin, beating up loved ones, etc.)..
* you must live in a trailer, an apartment with more people than bedrooms or a house with at least two cars in the driveway that don't work..
* guys must be dressed in either a wife-beater, a torn shirt that depicts their favorite beer or Nascar driver, or topless..
* chicks must be dressed in an over-sized t-shirt with a cartoon character on it, or topless..
* you must smoke something or have something that can be smoked on your person..
* you must have more kids than teeth..
* if those kids are less than 2 years old, they can only be wearing a diaper..
* if your youngest kid is more than 6 months old, you must be pregnant again with a different guy's baby..
* if you're drunk, you have to resist arrest to the point of getting tazed..
* if you love your significant other, the black eye and blood pouring out of your face was from "falling down the stairs", "running into the door", or your "steel cage match"..
* you have the call the policeman "dude", "man" or "bro" even after he asks you several times not to..
* you only wanted to give that prostitute a ride..
* if more than one female is present, they must have a cat fight involving their purses and call each other "ho" repeatedly..
* the moment the officer puts handcuffs on you, you must ask "what am i being arrested for?"..
something can only be considered a sport if you keep score, not if it's judged by someone else.. however, just because score is being kept doesn't mean it's a sport.. for example, Scrabble: not a sport.. Golf: sport.. Bowling: not a sport.. Swimming: sport.. i love the people who try to say that cheerleading is a sport.. okay, then so is modeling.. 15 girls named Kelly or Amber clapping simultaneously and saying "yay" is not hard enough to be considered a sport, no matter how difficult they make it look.. the fact that there are more injuries per year that require medical attention in cheerleading than in football only further solidifies my point.. football players are athletes, cheerleaders are trying to get noticed for their physical appearances.. i guarantee this chick was a cheerleader: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
and she was a hot one at that.. not very good at the words though.. do you train to be a cheerleader? no, you don't.. practice consists of synchronizing your claps and throws.. we appreciate the outfits, but focus less on calling yourself an "athlete" and more on catching Amber before she fractures her 5Th vertebrae..
while i'm ranting, anyone over the age of 30 should not have a rap-themed ring tone for their cell phone.. i heard Flo Rida ft. T-Pain "Low" while i was on break at work today, so i looked over to see who was hip enough to have that rocking their cell phone, and it was a lady who was absolutely in her 40's.. if you're likely to injure yourself dancing to your ring tone, you shouldn't have it.. that's my rule.. worry more about your plan to attack the upcoming menopause or male-pattern baldness..
* you must be addicted to something (i.e. meth, alcohol, heroin, beating up loved ones, etc.)..
* you must live in a trailer, an apartment with more people than bedrooms or a house with at least two cars in the driveway that don't work..
* guys must be dressed in either a wife-beater, a torn shirt that depicts their favorite beer or Nascar driver, or topless..
* chicks must be dressed in an over-sized t-shirt with a cartoon character on it, or topless..
* you must smoke something or have something that can be smoked on your person..
* you must have more kids than teeth..
* if those kids are less than 2 years old, they can only be wearing a diaper..
* if your youngest kid is more than 6 months old, you must be pregnant again with a different guy's baby..
* if you're drunk, you have to resist arrest to the point of getting tazed..
* if you love your significant other, the black eye and blood pouring out of your face was from "falling down the stairs", "running into the door", or your "steel cage match"..
* you have the call the policeman "dude", "man" or "bro" even after he asks you several times not to..
* you only wanted to give that prostitute a ride..
* if more than one female is present, they must have a cat fight involving their purses and call each other "ho" repeatedly..
* the moment the officer puts handcuffs on you, you must ask "what am i being arrested for?"..
something can only be considered a sport if you keep score, not if it's judged by someone else.. however, just because score is being kept doesn't mean it's a sport.. for example, Scrabble: not a sport.. Golf: sport.. Bowling: not a sport.. Swimming: sport.. i love the people who try to say that cheerleading is a sport.. okay, then so is modeling.. 15 girls named Kelly or Amber clapping simultaneously and saying "yay" is not hard enough to be considered a sport, no matter how difficult they make it look.. the fact that there are more injuries per year that require medical attention in cheerleading than in football only further solidifies my point.. football players are athletes, cheerleaders are trying to get noticed for their physical appearances.. i guarantee this chick was a cheerleader: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
and she was a hot one at that.. not very good at the words though.. do you train to be a cheerleader? no, you don't.. practice consists of synchronizing your claps and throws.. we appreciate the outfits, but focus less on calling yourself an "athlete" and more on catching Amber before she fractures her 5Th vertebrae..
while i'm ranting, anyone over the age of 30 should not have a rap-themed ring tone for their cell phone.. i heard Flo Rida ft. T-Pain "Low" while i was on break at work today, so i looked over to see who was hip enough to have that rocking their cell phone, and it was a lady who was absolutely in her 40's.. if you're likely to injure yourself dancing to your ring tone, you shouldn't have it.. that's my rule.. worry more about your plan to attack the upcoming menopause or male-pattern baldness..
Sunday, May 18, 2008
things it's okay for a man to do while shirtless in public..
taken from Esquire magazine, thought the list was funny... Beach-go. Have appendix removed. Sit in any section labeled "splash zone". Attend Burning Man. Crawl toward an oasis. Hew something. Watch a friend get busted on Cops (in person or on TV). Celebrate a bicycle kick. Stanch the bleeding of a dying man. Play against the "shirts". Bale hay. Frolic in the spray of an open fire hydrant (only under the age of 12). Talk to a blind person.
Friday, May 16, 2008
first drunken post.. :)
1:50 a.m. and i'm sitting in my room being a good roommate/wing man since i have a roommate watching a movie with a lady friend in the living room.. it's my job to stay out of the way and be as unattractive as possible, which is fairly easy given the amount of body hair God has blessed me with.. as intoxicated as i am, i'm going to try to pick some bones with some people.. so, in no particular order, here we go:
Dear people who wear Bluetooth things in their ears, nobody gives a shit about what you're talking about so shut the hell up.. if you're in your car and want to look like you're insane and talking to yourself, great, don't crash into me.. if you're at work and it allows you to talk on the phone and type at the same time, fantastic.. but if you're shopping or on the sidewalk or in the general public, you just look like you just want attention, and my attention is reserved for that skinny brunette with the big rack and "please make out with me" eyes over there, thank you very much.. when i'm on the phone, i like to keep my conversations as private as possible.. not because they're that important but because i respect the people around me and they don't need to be bombarded with my phone call.. i put people with Bluetooths in the same boat as people who use their cell phones on the treadmill at the gym, kids on those roller sneakers and people who have their cell phones in a belt holder.. seriously? it's 2008 and you have a cell phone, we're happy for you.. but we don't need to see your cell phone outside of your pants.. and kids with those roller sneakers, we're secretly hoping to see you wipe out and scrape the back of your head on the cement.. and Bluetooth Guy, this isn't soccer and we don't give a shit what you're talking about so use your hands and stop yelling..
i listen to sports radio the majority of my workday and today i heard a caller say something to the effect of "that's a worse idea than showing up to a party with a boner in your sweatpants"... i have a few problems with this situation.. has anyone in the history of parties showed up wearing sweatpants?? (other than me at our "white trash" party and i'm 100% sure i didn't have a boner during the entire night).. is this "party" actually 5 guys meeting online to play a video game?? whatever.. also, who would knowingly walk into a party with a boner? i've never had a boner and not realized it, so just drive around the block a few times until that thing goes away.. (also not sure if i've ever had a boner while driving by myself, for the record).. but let's face it, if you're going to a party wearing sweatpants, you probably don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of many females..
sitting in the hot tub tonight, for some reason i got to thinking about who i would have in my wedding party when i get married.. it's a lot harder than you'd think.. i've had a few roommates that i'm really close with and two brothers who i could talk to about anything (lucky for them i don't have much to talk about regarding problems with girls, health, work, etc.)... i wonder how often other people think about that sort of stuff.. i really would struggle picking a Best Man, i can narrow it down to about 2 or 3 i think.. and i'd almost hate to make any of them be ushers just because i don't know how much they'd enjoy it.. but talk about putting the cart in front of the horse, i probably should find a girl to marry before i think about all of this.. i'm really jealous of one of my roommates who has been in a relationship for i believe 7 or 8 years and he's all set.. he doesn't have to worry about dating or what to wear or how he looks for the rest of his life because he's found the person he wants to be with forever.. i think my sister is in the same situation and that would leave me as the one and only sibling without a "significant other".. gross, huh? and as dumb as it sounds, i'd rather find a girl that's like my best friend and i could talk to anything about and still do all the "fun" stuff with than be with 15 random girls just for the hell of it.. i'm just not interested in that.. i'm about as picky as it gets when it comes to girls but when it comes to spending the rest of your life with that person, i think it's okay to be that way.. i take a lot of abuse from my sister and friends about how high i set my standards but i'd rather be how i am than settle for the random girl every other weekend.. not saying any way is better than the other, everyone is different..
and on that note, i need to take a nap.. i'm 99.9999% sure i'll wake up tomorrow and forget typing this but i'll try to change as little as possible.. the whole point of blogging is saying what's on your mind at that time, right?? so this is me drunk at 2:20 a.m...
Dear people who wear Bluetooth things in their ears, nobody gives a shit about what you're talking about so shut the hell up.. if you're in your car and want to look like you're insane and talking to yourself, great, don't crash into me.. if you're at work and it allows you to talk on the phone and type at the same time, fantastic.. but if you're shopping or on the sidewalk or in the general public, you just look like you just want attention, and my attention is reserved for that skinny brunette with the big rack and "please make out with me" eyes over there, thank you very much.. when i'm on the phone, i like to keep my conversations as private as possible.. not because they're that important but because i respect the people around me and they don't need to be bombarded with my phone call.. i put people with Bluetooths in the same boat as people who use their cell phones on the treadmill at the gym, kids on those roller sneakers and people who have their cell phones in a belt holder.. seriously? it's 2008 and you have a cell phone, we're happy for you.. but we don't need to see your cell phone outside of your pants.. and kids with those roller sneakers, we're secretly hoping to see you wipe out and scrape the back of your head on the cement.. and Bluetooth Guy, this isn't soccer and we don't give a shit what you're talking about so use your hands and stop yelling..
i listen to sports radio the majority of my workday and today i heard a caller say something to the effect of "that's a worse idea than showing up to a party with a boner in your sweatpants"... i have a few problems with this situation.. has anyone in the history of parties showed up wearing sweatpants?? (other than me at our "white trash" party and i'm 100% sure i didn't have a boner during the entire night).. is this "party" actually 5 guys meeting online to play a video game?? whatever.. also, who would knowingly walk into a party with a boner? i've never had a boner and not realized it, so just drive around the block a few times until that thing goes away.. (also not sure if i've ever had a boner while driving by myself, for the record).. but let's face it, if you're going to a party wearing sweatpants, you probably don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of many females..
sitting in the hot tub tonight, for some reason i got to thinking about who i would have in my wedding party when i get married.. it's a lot harder than you'd think.. i've had a few roommates that i'm really close with and two brothers who i could talk to about anything (lucky for them i don't have much to talk about regarding problems with girls, health, work, etc.)... i wonder how often other people think about that sort of stuff.. i really would struggle picking a Best Man, i can narrow it down to about 2 or 3 i think.. and i'd almost hate to make any of them be ushers just because i don't know how much they'd enjoy it.. but talk about putting the cart in front of the horse, i probably should find a girl to marry before i think about all of this.. i'm really jealous of one of my roommates who has been in a relationship for i believe 7 or 8 years and he's all set.. he doesn't have to worry about dating or what to wear or how he looks for the rest of his life because he's found the person he wants to be with forever.. i think my sister is in the same situation and that would leave me as the one and only sibling without a "significant other".. gross, huh? and as dumb as it sounds, i'd rather find a girl that's like my best friend and i could talk to anything about and still do all the "fun" stuff with than be with 15 random girls just for the hell of it.. i'm just not interested in that.. i'm about as picky as it gets when it comes to girls but when it comes to spending the rest of your life with that person, i think it's okay to be that way.. i take a lot of abuse from my sister and friends about how high i set my standards but i'd rather be how i am than settle for the random girl every other weekend.. not saying any way is better than the other, everyone is different..
and on that note, i need to take a nap.. i'm 99.9999% sure i'll wake up tomorrow and forget typing this but i'll try to change as little as possible.. the whole point of blogging is saying what's on your mind at that time, right?? so this is me drunk at 2:20 a.m...
don't become a boxer..
this is taken from one of those email surveys that i did a while back but received positive comments on so i'm posting it here.. it's about me and my roommate Josh attending a boxing gym for the first night.. enjoy..
a couple weeks before we start:
Josh: "Dan, do you want to join a boxing gym with me?"
Me: hahahaha
Josh: "girls are more sexually attracted to guys who are in shape"
Me: "when does it start and will they give us flavored condoms?"
first night (times are estimates, keep in mind that this is Week 3 of the actual class, and our first night):
7:00 p.m. - we start out with the trainers telling us to grab a set of dumbbells, my cat-like quickness enables me to nab the 5's.. i talk trash to the other people silently..
7:10 p.m. - Warm-ups including stretching and lifting and bending and groin-pulling... thoughts running through my head: "seriously, are we just warming up right now??" "this girl next to me could tear my beanbag off barehanded, yikes" "when does ballet start?" "my labia hurt"..
7:15 p.m. - thoughts running through my head: "are we in the right gym? it said St. Cloud Downtown Boxing Gym on the sign, not Oscar De La Hoya's Olympic Boxing Training on the sign, right?" "i don't want to breathe anymore" "what exactly did that waiver say? i hope they have my parents phone number in case of an emergency"....
me and my boy parts have a disagreement about whether or not sex is this important...
Me: "i think i'll get girls just by using my personality"
Josh: "when's the last time you touched a vagina?"
Me (half jokingly): "does being born count?" (fuck, he put me in a box there)
7:25 p.m. - we haven't moved further than 2 feet in any direction, yet we are laying in a pool of our own sweat... are we being Punk'd??
7:30 p.m. - cool, a jump rope!! 12 year-old girls can do this...
7:32 p.m. - Dan can't... Josh, it's your turn, i think there's a sale on purses at Penney's that i need to get to.. by the way, i'm kidnapping your first-born child and brain-washing them to hate you..
7:40 p.m. - we begin to run up and down stairs.. not only do we do that, but when we reach the bottom of the stairs, we run around a circle and a fat slob hits us in our stomach with a boxing glove while yelling at us and probably eating nachos..
my thoughts after getting hit the first time: "wow, that really sucked... maybe i just need to clench my abs more the next time... or change my tampon"..
my thoughts after getting hit the second time: "wow, that sucked just as much if not more than the first one, where is the nearest bench?? my pancreas tastes funny and i need someone to help me straighten out my spinal cord"...
Josh walks over to me after his 3rd time getting assaulted..
Me: "are you fucking kidding me right now?"
Josh: "done"
Me: "wait, help me take my sports bra off"
7:45 p.m. - up the stairs, to the dressing room, out the back exit.. driving home is harder than Chinese algebra, every muscle is sore already.. now i know why boxers can't speak English, they're fucking retarded... and that's my 45-minute "boxing career"... the boxing heavy bag in the garage is so much easier to deal with..
a couple weeks before we start:
Josh: "Dan, do you want to join a boxing gym with me?"
Me: hahahaha
Josh: "girls are more sexually attracted to guys who are in shape"
Me: "when does it start and will they give us flavored condoms?"
first night (times are estimates, keep in mind that this is Week 3 of the actual class, and our first night):
7:00 p.m. - we start out with the trainers telling us to grab a set of dumbbells, my cat-like quickness enables me to nab the 5's.. i talk trash to the other people silently..
7:10 p.m. - Warm-ups including stretching and lifting and bending and groin-pulling... thoughts running through my head: "seriously, are we just warming up right now??" "this girl next to me could tear my beanbag off barehanded, yikes" "when does ballet start?" "my labia hurt"..
7:15 p.m. - thoughts running through my head: "are we in the right gym? it said St. Cloud Downtown Boxing Gym on the sign, not Oscar De La Hoya's Olympic Boxing Training on the sign, right?" "i don't want to breathe anymore" "what exactly did that waiver say? i hope they have my parents phone number in case of an emergency"....
me and my boy parts have a disagreement about whether or not sex is this important...
Me: "i think i'll get girls just by using my personality"
Josh: "when's the last time you touched a vagina?"
Me (half jokingly): "does being born count?" (fuck, he put me in a box there)
7:25 p.m. - we haven't moved further than 2 feet in any direction, yet we are laying in a pool of our own sweat... are we being Punk'd??
7:30 p.m. - cool, a jump rope!! 12 year-old girls can do this...
7:32 p.m. - Dan can't... Josh, it's your turn, i think there's a sale on purses at Penney's that i need to get to.. by the way, i'm kidnapping your first-born child and brain-washing them to hate you..
7:40 p.m. - we begin to run up and down stairs.. not only do we do that, but when we reach the bottom of the stairs, we run around a circle and a fat slob hits us in our stomach with a boxing glove while yelling at us and probably eating nachos..
my thoughts after getting hit the first time: "wow, that really sucked... maybe i just need to clench my abs more the next time... or change my tampon"..
my thoughts after getting hit the second time: "wow, that sucked just as much if not more than the first one, where is the nearest bench?? my pancreas tastes funny and i need someone to help me straighten out my spinal cord"...
Josh walks over to me after his 3rd time getting assaulted..
Me: "are you fucking kidding me right now?"
Josh: "done"
Me: "wait, help me take my sports bra off"
7:45 p.m. - up the stairs, to the dressing room, out the back exit.. driving home is harder than Chinese algebra, every muscle is sore already.. now i know why boxers can't speak English, they're fucking retarded... and that's my 45-minute "boxing career"... the boxing heavy bag in the garage is so much easier to deal with..
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
i went to a baseball game and a sausage race broke out..
remember when you could go to a professional sporting event and be thoroughly captivated by only the action on the field/court/ice? well that trend has ended and we are now bombarded with scoreboard games, trivia questions, mascot races, "guess the attendance" (which, if you were at a Timberwolves game this past year would have included you and whoever you came with), along with countless other gimmicks, two of which should be banned..
the first is the "kiss cam".. i've noticed this happen most frequently at Twins baseball games where, in between innings, they catch couples off-guard by putting them on the Jumbotron surrounded by a heart with the words "kiss cam" above them.. so now they face the embarrassment of kissing in front of several thousand people or refusing to do so, which results in booing and chants questioning the males sexuality.. they inevitably come across these three situations: 1) an elderly couple who proceed to make out like they are 15 years old and in the back row at the drive-in movie theater.. 2) the young couple who are probably on their first date or even worse, related, and refuse to answer the Jumbotron's request, sinking into their seats.. and 3) the young couple that takes it way too far by simulating oral sex, prompting the camera man to quickly change to the elderly couple who luckily haven't had sex for 25 years.. none of these situations are positive.. public displays of affection are fine but not on cue.. it seems forced and in actuality, that's exactly what it is..
the second is the dude who asks his girlfriend to marry him on the scoreboard.. this reeks of "i think she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me but just to be safe i'm going to ask her in front of thousands of people at this game she didn't want to go to so her guilt makes her say 'yes'".. jeez, even guys who call those late night "date" commercials think that's desperate.. sure, whoever thought of the idea first was very clever but now it's so overdone.. just plan something romantic so she doesn't have to fake her happiness (and if that's the only thing she fakes, you're lucky) until you get in the car and she throws the ring out the window (i've heard rings are hard to return when they're at the bottom of a river).. i've actually seen video clips of a guy who proposed that way and she ran out of the arena, scared to death.. frostbite can't be worse than that.. tough to enjoy the rest of that meaningless Bulls vs. Lakers game in December, huh? at least you have a seat to put your nachos, right? who needs your soul mate? do it right, boys..
all of this talk about how to act in public has led me to this opinion: it should be illegal for girls with huge cans to wear sweatshirts.. and the fine should double after May 1st.. it's like Joe Mauer shaving his sideburns or Jimi Hendrix playing rhythm guitar.. why cover up your best asset? always dance with who brought you, and in this case, do that dancing with a tight t-shirt.. this will be my main platform when i run for president, using the slogan "You Want Cans? Vote For Dan!".. move over, Barack, i think i'm taking over the half of your young demographic that own Y chromosomes.. and i don't worry about that economy stuff because i don't understand it.. who's with me??
the first is the "kiss cam".. i've noticed this happen most frequently at Twins baseball games where, in between innings, they catch couples off-guard by putting them on the Jumbotron surrounded by a heart with the words "kiss cam" above them.. so now they face the embarrassment of kissing in front of several thousand people or refusing to do so, which results in booing and chants questioning the males sexuality.. they inevitably come across these three situations: 1) an elderly couple who proceed to make out like they are 15 years old and in the back row at the drive-in movie theater.. 2) the young couple who are probably on their first date or even worse, related, and refuse to answer the Jumbotron's request, sinking into their seats.. and 3) the young couple that takes it way too far by simulating oral sex, prompting the camera man to quickly change to the elderly couple who luckily haven't had sex for 25 years.. none of these situations are positive.. public displays of affection are fine but not on cue.. it seems forced and in actuality, that's exactly what it is..
the second is the dude who asks his girlfriend to marry him on the scoreboard.. this reeks of "i think she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me but just to be safe i'm going to ask her in front of thousands of people at this game she didn't want to go to so her guilt makes her say 'yes'".. jeez, even guys who call those late night "date" commercials think that's desperate.. sure, whoever thought of the idea first was very clever but now it's so overdone.. just plan something romantic so she doesn't have to fake her happiness (and if that's the only thing she fakes, you're lucky) until you get in the car and she throws the ring out the window (i've heard rings are hard to return when they're at the bottom of a river).. i've actually seen video clips of a guy who proposed that way and she ran out of the arena, scared to death.. frostbite can't be worse than that.. tough to enjoy the rest of that meaningless Bulls vs. Lakers game in December, huh? at least you have a seat to put your nachos, right? who needs your soul mate? do it right, boys..
all of this talk about how to act in public has led me to this opinion: it should be illegal for girls with huge cans to wear sweatshirts.. and the fine should double after May 1st.. it's like Joe Mauer shaving his sideburns or Jimi Hendrix playing rhythm guitar.. why cover up your best asset? always dance with who brought you, and in this case, do that dancing with a tight t-shirt.. this will be my main platform when i run for president, using the slogan "You Want Cans? Vote For Dan!".. move over, Barack, i think i'm taking over the half of your young demographic that own Y chromosomes.. and i don't worry about that economy stuff because i don't understand it.. who's with me??
Sunday, May 11, 2008
what guys care about...
men and women have a misunderstanding about what the other gender cares about.. so, on behalf of all men, here is what we care about and what we don't..
we care about: what your friends think about us... in all honesty, we worry more about impressing your friends than impressing your parents.. your friends are the ones that will tell you if we're worth your time, and all it takes to impress your parents is dressing nice and being polite during dinner.. if your friends don't like us, the future looks pretty bleak..
we don't care about: strip clubs.. honestly... i'm serious.. we go there less for the naked ladies and more for the male bonding.. it's more comical than sexy, except for the old, creepy dudes who are there by themselves in the front row with the drunken stare.. i can't speak for them..
we care about: anything negative you say about your ex.. to a certain extent.. we don't need to hear about him daily, weekly or monthly or even by name.. but we're dying to hear the sentence "you're the best at (fill in the blank, preferably with something sexual)".. we don't want you to be too hung up on anyone in your past but if you say it in a way that compliments us more so than disses them, we're less likely to think you're still into them..
we don't care about: anything positive you say about your ex.. we're not them.. you're not with them anymore and there's a reason for that.. let it go..
we care about: your level of confidence.. if a girl can be with you in a room full of strangers and not be glued to your side the whole night, that's super hot.. her ability to handle herself and maintain conversations with total strangers is key and it also shows she's attempting to get to know your crowd, which says she likely sees a future with you.. plus it gives you the opportunity to flirt with her from across the room which doesn't suck..
we don't care about: what you wear.. we think you look uber-hot in just your underwear and one of our old t-shirts, so don't worry too much about our fashion sense.. if it matches and it fits the occasion, we're totally happy.. so when you say you'll be ready at 8:00, be ready by at least 8:15.. besides, the sooner we leave the sooner we can get you home and see that underwear/t-shirt combo again, which is our main goal anyway.. (one exception: you do have one pair of jeans that makes your butt look insane.. we couldn't pick them out of your closet but when you put them on, all we want to do is grab your ass.. we'll let you know what ones they are)..
we care about: how high-maintenance you are.. it's NEVER cool.. don't take yourself too seriously, it's just life.. the world doesn't revolve around you and we're not interested in you if you think that.. treat everyone right, laugh, have fun, be goofy and enjoy life.. we'll enjoy being around you that much more..
we don't care about: your stash of condoms.. if you have one when we don't, it doesn't make you a slut, it makes you a hero.. just find one as quickly as possible.. also, don't be mad at us if we do have one.. we'd just rather the reason we're not having sex be "you're not that attractive" instead of "you don't have protection".. it's easier to beat ourselves up about not spending a few dollars than having a uni brow and beer gut..
we care about: your pleasure more than ours.. if we didn't, sex would last 3 minutes and foreplay would consist of undressing.. but for you, we pretty much need Mapquest, a globe, a GPS system and a compass just to find the right place and then we need to hang out there for 20 minutes or so (yeah, i read Cosmo).. but we'd rather have you let us know what you want than let us assume it's okay to treat your nipples like a chew toy and jackhammer your vagina.. we know you're going to be telling your friends about this, we'd rather you use the phrase "neighbor-waking" than "grocery-list making"..
we don't care about: the bitchy co-worker, best friend, classmate, girl on the bus, girl at the mall, etc.. this is part of the high-maintenance stuff i was talking about.. don't let it drag your life down because it also affects us.. unless it's life-threatening, don't worry about it..
again, i could go on for a while but i've been enough of a nerd for now.. i hope this clears things up..
we care about: what your friends think about us... in all honesty, we worry more about impressing your friends than impressing your parents.. your friends are the ones that will tell you if we're worth your time, and all it takes to impress your parents is dressing nice and being polite during dinner.. if your friends don't like us, the future looks pretty bleak..
we don't care about: strip clubs.. honestly... i'm serious.. we go there less for the naked ladies and more for the male bonding.. it's more comical than sexy, except for the old, creepy dudes who are there by themselves in the front row with the drunken stare.. i can't speak for them..
we care about: anything negative you say about your ex.. to a certain extent.. we don't need to hear about him daily, weekly or monthly or even by name.. but we're dying to hear the sentence "you're the best at (fill in the blank, preferably with something sexual)".. we don't want you to be too hung up on anyone in your past but if you say it in a way that compliments us more so than disses them, we're less likely to think you're still into them..
we don't care about: anything positive you say about your ex.. we're not them.. you're not with them anymore and there's a reason for that.. let it go..
we care about: your level of confidence.. if a girl can be with you in a room full of strangers and not be glued to your side the whole night, that's super hot.. her ability to handle herself and maintain conversations with total strangers is key and it also shows she's attempting to get to know your crowd, which says she likely sees a future with you.. plus it gives you the opportunity to flirt with her from across the room which doesn't suck..
we don't care about: what you wear.. we think you look uber-hot in just your underwear and one of our old t-shirts, so don't worry too much about our fashion sense.. if it matches and it fits the occasion, we're totally happy.. so when you say you'll be ready at 8:00, be ready by at least 8:15.. besides, the sooner we leave the sooner we can get you home and see that underwear/t-shirt combo again, which is our main goal anyway.. (one exception: you do have one pair of jeans that makes your butt look insane.. we couldn't pick them out of your closet but when you put them on, all we want to do is grab your ass.. we'll let you know what ones they are)..
we care about: how high-maintenance you are.. it's NEVER cool.. don't take yourself too seriously, it's just life.. the world doesn't revolve around you and we're not interested in you if you think that.. treat everyone right, laugh, have fun, be goofy and enjoy life.. we'll enjoy being around you that much more..
we don't care about: your stash of condoms.. if you have one when we don't, it doesn't make you a slut, it makes you a hero.. just find one as quickly as possible.. also, don't be mad at us if we do have one.. we'd just rather the reason we're not having sex be "you're not that attractive" instead of "you don't have protection".. it's easier to beat ourselves up about not spending a few dollars than having a uni brow and beer gut..
we care about: your pleasure more than ours.. if we didn't, sex would last 3 minutes and foreplay would consist of undressing.. but for you, we pretty much need Mapquest, a globe, a GPS system and a compass just to find the right place and then we need to hang out there for 20 minutes or so (yeah, i read Cosmo).. but we'd rather have you let us know what you want than let us assume it's okay to treat your nipples like a chew toy and jackhammer your vagina.. we know you're going to be telling your friends about this, we'd rather you use the phrase "neighbor-waking" than "grocery-list making"..
we don't care about: the bitchy co-worker, best friend, classmate, girl on the bus, girl at the mall, etc.. this is part of the high-maintenance stuff i was talking about.. don't let it drag your life down because it also affects us.. unless it's life-threatening, don't worry about it..
again, i could go on for a while but i've been enough of a nerd for now.. i hope this clears things up..
Monday, May 5, 2008
things that are pointless and/or stupid...
changing from my usual paragraph form rant, this will be a list of things that i find stupid and/or pointless.. if you make the list, i apologize, but it just means i don't like you very much.. no offense..
- wearing sunglasses indoors
- overweight girls wearing belly shirts
- crotchless underwear
- the metric system
- flavored condoms
- chains on wallets
- old people putting on their blinkers (may or may not turn for the next 15 blocks)
- anyone over the age of 15 bringing a glove to a baseball game (really?)
- Paris Hilton
- "Baby on Board" stickers in your car window
- lesbians using dildos (might as well mix in a real penis at this point, right?)
- Ja Rule
- bodybuilders (back acne, 'roid rage, heart problems and shrunken testicles? cool!)
- Vermont
- security tape on Cd's and DVDs
- Britney Spears wearing underwear
- toupees/comb-overs
- traffic laws in Massachusetts
- guys at baseball games behind home plate talking on their cell phone and waving
- yelling "get in the hole!" on the tee shot of a par 5
- soft core porn
- mustaches
- non-alcoholic beer
- auto faucets (how many hands do i have to put under the damn thing for it to work? cause i only have 2 and that's not getting it done)
- auto hand dryers (step 1: put hands under nozzle and rub hands together briskly.. step 2: wipe hands on pants)
- wearing socks with sandals
- Celine Dion
- soccer
- going to strip clubs sober (girls taking their clothes off and acting like they're doing it for me and enjoying it is laugh-out-loud comical, not believable... i need beer to brainwash me)
- Christmas without snow
- Kim Kardashian doing anything but posing nude
- baseball's all-time home run record
- arguing about political views
- male cheerleaders (yes, i know that you're touching her butt once every quarter.. you're still wearing a leotard and cheering for the real athletes who are fucking the cheerleaders after the game.. you had a nice run)
- phrases like "no offense" or "no disrespect" (someones about to be offended or disrespected)
- lipstick (no need, looks weird)
- fanny packs
- girls faking orgasms (we'd rather you tell us what you want to get a real orgasm, sounds much better, right?)
- Lindsay Lohan going to rehab (18Th time's the charm?)
- "Laguna Beach" after Season 2
- anything Roger Clemens has done, including Mindy McCready
- Flava Flav
- going on "Real World" with a boy/girlfriend at home
- any white rapper other than Eminem
- washing your Big Mac down with a Diet Pepsi
- Jehovah witnesses ("ya know, i was just thinking about switching religions while i was eating supper with my family, i'm glad you stopped by".. idiots)
- cell phone kiosks in the mall (has anyone ever bought one?)
- Nascar (cool, Tony or Dale or Cletus or Bubba just turned left again really fast)
- guys frosting their tips
- the combination of actress/singers or actor/singers... you suck at both, go be a greeter at Walmart
- breast reduction (if your back doesn't hurt, they're fine)
- being rude to the servers for a problem with your food (they didn't cook it so be a polite grown up about it)
- making out NOT leading to sex (it's like warming up the pitcher and not putting him in the game.. plus our balls hurt then, crowd hating that)
- PETA
- asking boxers who the best boxer in the world is.... it's always them
- Ashlee Simpson doing anything but conceiving my child
- Joey Potter becoming Mrs. Tom Cruise
- being racist or sexist or anything "ist" (it's 2008, about time we figure that out)
- Westboro baptist church
- drunk-dialing exes or current crushes
- talking about your past personal athletic achievements from 5 to 10 to 20 years ago ("wow, that's really interesting" Sincerely, Absolutely Nobody... team achievements are always solid, keep 'em coming... maybe it's because i have very few personal athletic achievements? ha..)
- weekend mornings
- stealing with a 5 or more run lead in the 7Th inning or later
- pick-up lines
- spinach (besides Popeye, who eats this?)
- sudoku
- trying to decide what is looser, Oprah's sweatpants or Britney's vagina...
- wearing jeans and/or hats at the gym
- erasable ink
- bow ties
well i think i've run out, feel free to add your own in a comment.. i know my roommates will probably say "blogging" and they have a point.. if i think of any more i'll add them on..
- wearing sunglasses indoors
- overweight girls wearing belly shirts
- crotchless underwear
- the metric system
- flavored condoms
- chains on wallets
- old people putting on their blinkers (may or may not turn for the next 15 blocks)
- anyone over the age of 15 bringing a glove to a baseball game (really?)
- Paris Hilton
- "Baby on Board" stickers in your car window
- lesbians using dildos (might as well mix in a real penis at this point, right?)
- Ja Rule
- bodybuilders (back acne, 'roid rage, heart problems and shrunken testicles? cool!)
- Vermont
- security tape on Cd's and DVDs
- Britney Spears wearing underwear
- toupees/comb-overs
- traffic laws in Massachusetts
- guys at baseball games behind home plate talking on their cell phone and waving
- yelling "get in the hole!" on the tee shot of a par 5
- soft core porn
- mustaches
- non-alcoholic beer
- auto faucets (how many hands do i have to put under the damn thing for it to work? cause i only have 2 and that's not getting it done)
- auto hand dryers (step 1: put hands under nozzle and rub hands together briskly.. step 2: wipe hands on pants)
- wearing socks with sandals
- Celine Dion
- soccer
- going to strip clubs sober (girls taking their clothes off and acting like they're doing it for me and enjoying it is laugh-out-loud comical, not believable... i need beer to brainwash me)
- Christmas without snow
- Kim Kardashian doing anything but posing nude
- baseball's all-time home run record
- arguing about political views
- male cheerleaders (yes, i know that you're touching her butt once every quarter.. you're still wearing a leotard and cheering for the real athletes who are fucking the cheerleaders after the game.. you had a nice run)
- phrases like "no offense" or "no disrespect" (someones about to be offended or disrespected)
- lipstick (no need, looks weird)
- fanny packs
- girls faking orgasms (we'd rather you tell us what you want to get a real orgasm, sounds much better, right?)
- Lindsay Lohan going to rehab (18Th time's the charm?)
- "Laguna Beach" after Season 2
- anything Roger Clemens has done, including Mindy McCready
- Flava Flav
- going on "Real World" with a boy/girlfriend at home
- any white rapper other than Eminem
- washing your Big Mac down with a Diet Pepsi
- Jehovah witnesses ("ya know, i was just thinking about switching religions while i was eating supper with my family, i'm glad you stopped by".. idiots)
- cell phone kiosks in the mall (has anyone ever bought one?)
- Nascar (cool, Tony or Dale or Cletus or Bubba just turned left again really fast)
- guys frosting their tips
- the combination of actress/singers or actor/singers... you suck at both, go be a greeter at Walmart
- breast reduction (if your back doesn't hurt, they're fine)
- being rude to the servers for a problem with your food (they didn't cook it so be a polite grown up about it)
- making out NOT leading to sex (it's like warming up the pitcher and not putting him in the game.. plus our balls hurt then, crowd hating that)
- PETA
- asking boxers who the best boxer in the world is.... it's always them
- Ashlee Simpson doing anything but conceiving my child
- Joey Potter becoming Mrs. Tom Cruise
- being racist or sexist or anything "ist" (it's 2008, about time we figure that out)
- Westboro baptist church
- drunk-dialing exes or current crushes
- talking about your past personal athletic achievements from 5 to 10 to 20 years ago ("wow, that's really interesting" Sincerely, Absolutely Nobody... team achievements are always solid, keep 'em coming... maybe it's because i have very few personal athletic achievements? ha..)
- weekend mornings
- stealing with a 5 or more run lead in the 7Th inning or later
- pick-up lines
- spinach (besides Popeye, who eats this?)
- sudoku
- trying to decide what is looser, Oprah's sweatpants or Britney's vagina...
- wearing jeans and/or hats at the gym
- erasable ink
- bow ties
well i think i've run out, feel free to add your own in a comment.. i know my roommates will probably say "blogging" and they have a point.. if i think of any more i'll add them on..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
