Wednesday, August 17, 2011

tubthumping..


this post is being co-brought to you by Michele Bachmann and whatever the fuck "planking" is..

recently asked a female coworker what i should blog about, i found out she's a giant kissing slut. here's the conversation:


Me: I need something funny to blog about...


Female Coworker: FYI today is my half birthday so thanks for emailing me. Gifts may be sent.

Also-you should blog about people being terrible kissers…unless you are one..and then maybe you should blog about that. bahah.

Or perhaps you should blog about how annoying kids cartoons are…man I hate cartoons now. If I ever find out who made up Dora I’m going to choke them out. Also, you should blog about how everyone in St.Cloud still dresses like it’s 1985.


Me: I'm sorry..... happy half birthday.

Who have you been kissing that's a terrible kisser? I've been told I'm a "really good kisser"..

I dress bad?


FC: Thank you. Feel free to sing me half of the birthday song as well.

I have kissed a lot of people in my day (not in a super long time so don’t freak out) but there are some AWFUL ones out there. That’s good if people tell you that and I’m sure that you are. Girls never say that if they don’t mean it.

No, you dress nice.


Me: I've kissed like 5 girls :)


FC: I’d kissed like 7 by the time I graduated high school, and then about 16 more during that first two years of college and then about 5 more after that total. So roughly in my life time I’ve kissed about 28…lets make it an even 30 just because I’m sure my memory has left a couple soldiers behind.

And for your enjoyment here is my list: (in no particular order)

Matt
Ian
Adam
Evan
Chad
Casey
Jake
Ben
TJ
Brian
Jeff
Josh
Justin
Kid from Pickerington I forget his name
Jeremy
Jason
Adam R
Pre-med Kid on Baseball Team
Dennison Party Kid
Steve W
Apartment Party Kid
Shoe Store Kid
TJ T
Club Guy
Kraig
Lee
Chad
Damian
Andrew


Cosmo has recently taught me that a woman's left boob is .2 inches bigger than the right boob, on average.. pretty sure that's why most guys are right handed..

most of my "close call" car accidents occur because of me looking at a girl who's running/walking/rollerblading/biking to see if she's hot..

supermodel Marissa Miller was recently on Conan O'Brien.. the following conversation ensued between my roommate and i:

Him: oh my God.
Me: who do you think is hotter, her or Brooklyn Decker?
Him: her.
Me: k, then it's settled.. if both of them ever come over at one time, i call Brooklyn..
Him: we better go get condoms just in case..


this is a "note" that i wrote on Facebook a couple years ago but received good feedback on it, and most of the "things" still hold true, so i'll copy it here:

25 Things About Me..
by Dan Blum on Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 10:08pm

1. I'm not wearing a shirt.. Ladies, hold your applause..

2. The first time I ever got drunk was the last day of high school.. Also, I have yet to puke from drinking.. Some people call it "responsible", other people call it "being a nerd".. I'll agree with both..

3. If I have a dream about a girl I know in real life, I develop a crush on them that lasts exactly one day.. It doesn't matter if I haven't seen them in years.. Also, if I see a hot girl at the gym, I imagine having sex with her.. And by "at the gym", I mean "anywhere".. I'm under the impression many guys do this.. Be flattered..

4. One time as kids, my twin sister and I raided the medicine cabinet and put every band-aid in the house on ourselves.. We then alerted Dad when he woke up that "we fell"..

5. Few things make me happier than finding a new song or band that I like.. In fact, if I was in a leaking canoe on the ocean and i had to choose between throwing my iPod off or my mom, I'd second-guess either decision.. Also second-guessing my decision to brave the ocean in a canoe..

6. I'm (slowly) teaching myself how to play the guitar.. My brother and an ex-roommate are the reasons for this.. Both are much better singers than I am, but it has to be impossible to be bored when you can play any song you want.. I look forward to that, plus all the underwear girls will lob at me when they realize what I can do with my fingers..

7. When I like a girl, no other girl on the planet exists.. I'll do everything to make her happy, to a fault.. Evidently my brain doesn't have the "casual, fling" part that seems to be the norm in guys, which is both a positive and negative.. it's good because I know I don't have chlamydia or children i'd have to eventually tell "you were conceived before your mom and I had our first date".. Also, I have standards that are too high for everyone other than myself.. That'll pay off eventually, someday some chick will blow all the rest of the girls I thought I liked out of the water and I'll wonder what I was thinking.. It's bad because I could have had a lot of fun in the past that I've turned my back on.. It's also bad because I go into relationship-mode with every girl I like and those kind of feelings usually result in me feeling like shit, with all the fault being mine.. Oh well, too late to change now, I think..


8. I eat Strawberry Gushers no less than 2 packs at a time.. Also, I wish I was smarter sometimes.. When politicians talk, I have no idea what's going on.. I think that's bad for adulthood..

9. "When in doubt, I read Dan Blum's blogs to remind me that guys are, for the most part, good, kind, funny and sweet.".... I kept this from (name has been removed) note because it made me smile.. I began writing a blog at the request of my former roommate.. I think it was because i wrote goofy status updates and he thought I could elaborate.. It's amazing how many people who I never talk to will tell me that they read my blog, either in person or in a facebook message, etc.. I've been told to pursue a career in writing, which I would enjoy, but I think eventually I'll run out of silly shit to talk about.. I enjoy doing it and I'm glad people are somewhat entertained by it.. Thanks for the compliment, and I was thoroughly entertained by your writing as well :)

10. Thongs/g-strings aren't nearly as hot as those ones that cover everything except for the very bottom of her caboose.. i think Victoria's Secret calls them "cheekies".. wow.. In a related story, If girls didn't have boobs or vaginas or smell pretty, I wouldn't even waste my time on them.. Or the way they bite their lip and look at you all flirty-like.. or the sound they make when they kiss you.. or how cute they look when they sleep.. or how they look even cuter when they just wake up.. Dammit, I guess girls are kinda cool..

11. I could watch "Cops" for the rest of my life and never get bored, even though I think the same clothes are passed from one family to another.. Dad (or the guy living with Mom) will be wearing either a wife beater, ripped Nascar shirt, a shirt featuring his favorite beer, or topless.. He will also be drinking and smoking, getting rid of those last few teeth.. Mom will be in an oversized t-shirt, probably with Tweety Bird on it.. She'll be holding her 3 month old with one arm, ice on her bruised eye with the other, and a new baby in her belly, somehow 5 months along already.. She "ran into the door" to get that black eye, meanwhile Dad is icing his fist with a Natural Light saying "naw, we was jiss arguin' 'bout silly stuff.. she tol' me that baby might be my brothers".. But she "loves him" so she won't press charges.. It never gets old..

12. Sitting behind home plate on your cell phone and waving should be a mandatory life sentence in prison.. So should changing lanes without signaling and wearing black shoes with a brown belt..

13. There should be people who's sole job is to tell overweight girls that they shouldn't wear that shirt in public.. Apparently their friends don't want to tell them, and why should they? They're always referred to as "the hot one" then..

14. The muscle I'm concerned most with is that one that cuts from the hip to the baby-making area that chicks go ape-shit over..

15. I'm convinced coffee has cocaine in it.. also, watching fires is equally addicting..

16. I keep my bedroom as cold as I can so I can sleep with as many blankets as possible.. I HATE when my alarm is set to go off at 6:00 and I wake up at 5:52.. No shot at getting back asleep.. When my alarm goes off, my first thought is to throw it through the window..

17. If I was told I had a week to live, my biggest regret/dissapointment would be that I was never in love..

18. Not much compares to hearing lyrics of a song and knowing exactly the feeling they're trying to get across.. Song writers should get more credit than the people who sing it..

19. I melt when I'm lying on the couch and one of my neices voluntarilly climbs up next to me..

20. My sister is my best friend, and other than family I can count the people I fully trust on less than one hand.. I think being trustworthy is one of the greatest attributes someone can have..

21. When I'm driving by myself, I "play guitar" along with the rhythm.. and sing loudly..

22. I go to my parents every Sunday.. When they're not here anymore, I'll wish I had gone more.. I'm a huge mama's boy.. I wouldn't know what to do without them..

23. I don't deal well with people being mad at me.. Even if I didn't do anything wrong, I'll likely be the person to initiate contact and smooth things over.. I hate conflict..

24. I'm currently in Chicago, but when I'm home our Friday nights typically consist of beer and darts in the basement with the iPod playing.. I like that.. I don't like that the other guys usually have their girlfriends/fiances there.. They're all very cool girls, I just feel left out..

25. I hate when people say things they really don't mean.. People who are fake and only want attention is probably my biggest pet peeve.. I don't have time for that.. It's getting easier to spot too as I get older..Being genuine is the easiest fucking thing on the planet and so few people are able to do it.. Just do or say what you feel, you'll never regret it because it's what you felt at the time.. You would think that'd be fairly simple.. Whatever, I'm going to go shower and sing along with Taylor Swift.. All guys do this, right??

Comments:

·Dude..i loved every moment of this..i laughed..i did one of those girly "ohh's" and i even said to myself "what the F***"..but its real and its you..i loved it bud..get home soon so we can get together!!
January 29, 2009 at 9:22am

·You're welcome Dan, keep 'em comin' (the blogs...). Hope you are doing splendidly!!
January 29, 2009 at 12:13pm

·Your blogs are so hilarious yet, so true! Nice work!
January 29, 2009 at 2:13pm

·I highly doubt we are twins...I only agree with 24 out of 25
January 29, 2009 at 3:46pm

·I don't understand why your single.
March 21, 2011 at 7:53pm


i've found out that a lot more people read this than i thought. there's an option for me to look at where in the world people are reading this from. the results are interesting.

United States: 3,145
Canada: 64
Germany: 57
Russia: 54
Slovenia: 41
Netherlands: 35
United Kingdom: 34
Iran: 24
Bulgaria: 21
China: 18

i always love hearing feedback, so send me messages if you read this an enjoy it. tell me what you like, what i should do more of, less of, etc.

the left side of my jaw has been hurting for just over a week, so on Monday i went to get an x-ray done.. that showed nothing, so i made a dentist appointment for today.. he had me open my mouth as far as i could and said "okay.. we have a big problem".. evidently i have TMJ Disorder, which i guess if fairly common but he explained that the ligament that connects my jaw to my skull is tied in a knot and won't allow me to open fully.. also, it hurts like fuck when i bite down.. the hygienist asks me if i've ever had braces, i tell her i have not and she tells me i have "beautiful teeth".. i politely inform her that i have TMJ and cannot perform oral sex on her for at least another month, in part because that's how i acquired the injury in the first place.. i need a splint (mouthguard) to wear while i'm sleeping so it jacks my jaw back into place.. if that by itself doesn't work, i'll need physical therapy.. since i'm going to be eating strictly ice cream, pudding and yogurt for the next month, i'm glad i did those 8 pushups when i woke up this morning..


my favorite part of seeing a limo is saying, "whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or something"..

two twenty-some year old girls were having a contest with each other to see who could name the most characters from the Harry Potter movies. i wanted to make a comment about them finding guys to sleep with them but then i remembered i haven't had sex since people still liked Obama, and i've never watched a second of a Harry Potter movie..

i cried the first time i saw Michelle give Uncle Jesse her pink bunny when he was moving out..

about ten years ago (my "bad boy" stage), i had to go to court.. here's the story: i worked at a liquor store in Rockville, MN, and 97% of the time i read old ESPN magazines and played "snake" on my cell phone.. this was back in the day when cell phones didn't have color screens and texting wasn't available, or at least that's the story i'm going with.. a majority of the nights i had to spend telling drunk people that they couldn't buy any more alcohol and they'd call me a "faggot".. anyway, we closed at 10:00 p.m. every night, and i had to vacuum the vomit and broken dreams off the floor before i locked the doors.. one night, i was vacuuming and a younger person came in (i don't remember if it was a guy or girl anymore) and bought beer.. i didn't check their ID, they walked out, and a few minutes later a cop walks in.. i turn down NWA's hit song, "Fuck Tha Police" and ask if i can help him.. he asks me if i checked the ID of the person who just left, i said i did not.. he issued me a notice to appear in court, and i called the owners of the store to let them know what happened (not pleased).. at some point in the coming months, i had to go to court numerous times before this was all sorted out.. evidently they have you come to court just to tell you the next time you have to come to court.. after the guards made extra sure i didn't have any samurai swords or nunchucks hidden next to my scrotum, they advised i get a public defender to pay a good amount of money to, even though i knew i was guilty.. i even plead guilty the first time i went and the judge looked over his glasses and said "are you sure you want to do that?".. thinking he was going to give me the death penalty, i quickly retracted my statement and wished my mom was there.. i ended up getting a public defender, who did nothing to help me, and after all was said and done, i paid over $1,000 in fines and court fees.. my mug shot shows how happy i was about it (notice my "bad ass" shirt and tie):


the basketball season my senior year of high school remains the best 6-month period of my life, as sad as that may seem.. the friends i made on that team remain my best friends today.. we went to the State Tournament and ended up taking 3rd place in Class AAA, which had little to do with me.. as a junior, i didn't get much playing time and was frustrated.. i was frustrated to the point that i ended up quitting halfway through the season.. after the season was over, and over the summer between my junior and senior year, i got to thinking that i didn't want to be labeled a "quitter".. even though i didn't get much playing time as a junior, i wanted to practice really hard over the summer and see if i could help the team in any way.. our coach was (and still is) a legend in the state.. he has the 2nd most wins in boys basketball in Minnesota, and he lives less than a mile from my parents house.. that summer, in between sessions of coating my face with Clearasil, i wrote him a letter that i made a copy of and still have.. it reads:

Dear Coach Brink,

I would like to re-join the basketball team next year and I would appreciate it if you could let me know some things that I can work on. Bryan (my brother, was a starter on the 1988 team that went undefeated) has been talking to me and he said that even if I don't play much, the season is a great experience, especially the state tournament. I know we have a lot of good players next season, but I would like to be a part of it. Bryan also said that I should work on aggressiveness on defense as a priority and he thought that you would agree.

The reason that I quit this past season was that I wasn't very happy with my playing time. Bryan told me that he talked to you after the season, and you didn't agree with my lack of playing time either. I don't mean to say that I was was a great player, but I thought I deserved more than playing in 8 out of 14 games for about 5 minutes each. That really frustrated me, but I don't want to be called a quitter and that's why I would like some help with what to work on so maybe I can play next year, even if it's just a late game, clutch shooter role. If I don't really have a chance at playing next year, tell me that. If you think that if I work hard I'll get some playing time, tell me that too. But I really think we have a good team for next year and I would like to be a part of it.

I believe Bryan when he says it's a great experience because I used to watch his state tournament tapes every night when I was little and I always thought that I'd be in his position when I got older and played varsity, and I want to give it a good effort. Also, if there are any leagues this summer that I could still get into, I would like to know about them.

Well, thanks for your time and listening to what I have to say. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Have a great summer!


my coach ended up calling me a few days later to discuss the letter and encouraged me to re-join the team.. although i didn't get much playing time as a senior, it was still a very memorable span of my life and something that i'm glad i did.. i ended up being named the "most improved player" on the team, and at our "welcome home" from the state tournament, our coach talked about the letter i sent him at length and said several nice things about me..


i've written before about not being much of a drinker when i was younger (that holds true today) but as a freshman in college, i got my feet (liver) wet.. as a senior, i really didn't have any big ideas about a career or a major, and two of my close friends from the basketball team were going to Willmar to play baseball.. i decided to go there as well and live with them.. some things that i remember about that time frame:

- one roommate having to leave orientation because of the after-effects of our "move in party" the previous night..

- having the cops knock on our apartment door after witnessing two gentlemen urinating off our 2nd story balcony..

- playing "pitcher/catcher" in our hallway with a whiffle ball wrapped in tape and no protective cup..

- making weekday hour and a half roundtrips back home to get someone to buy alcohol for us..

- having to go through the kitchen to get to my bedroom, furnished with a sweet futon..

- telling one roommate such a legendary bedroom story (while sober) that he still asks me for another one to this day.. there were woodland creatures involved..

- playing the other roommate in NCAA Football on Playstation.. we kept track of the win/loss record between us and taped it to the living room wall.. it ended up being 3 or 4 sheets of paper long.. it also directly led to me failing algebra because i would wake up, grab my backpack and walk to the living room, and he would throw me a controller and say "you're not going to class today"..

- chatting online with babes all day..

- 2 for $2.22 Quarter Pounders with Cheese at McDonald's..

- a hot chick named Angela in my public speaking class.. i'm confident in saying that she didn't know the entire alphabet..

- "borrowing" my roommates notes from their class called "Study Skills" because i had the class the semester after them.. both of them had failed the class..

- one roommate having an art class and him spending an entire night drawing a lamp in his room.. he actually tried in that class because his teacher was hot..

- taking 2nd in intramural basketball..

- Taco Tuesday at Taco John's..

- the largest snowfall in Willmar history (seriously) and the subsequent days of shoveling.. i was a couple hours late to the first shoveling shift and awoke to my car buried in snow..

- me driving home every weekend in the winter despite the fact that i drove a 1990 Ford Escort and didn't own a cell phone..

- one roommate singing Nickelback songs in my bedroom..

- both roommates getting minors one night at a baseball party because i didn't answer the phone to come pick them up when they wanted to leave.. when they got home, they cooked hot dogs and we watched our high school graduation/lock-in party and made fun of classmates.. the next morning, their minors were hanging on the fridge as a "reminder" to me..

- us owning fish until Christmas break, when we turned the heat off and their tank was next to our balcony, freezing them to death..

- Absolut Mandarin and orange juice.. still nearly vomit when i see that bottle..

- watching "Jenny Jones", "Ricki Lake" and "Maury" on days we didn't go to school..

- me having to leave Algebra because i nearly vomitted on the girl next to me..

- hot ham and cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven..

- finding out the next day that a girl "would have done shit with me" if i had made a move.. story of my life..


Men's Health Tips

36 Ways To Get That Girl

Employ the two-kiss strategy.

The first one is to gauge my interest; keep it short and sweet. If I pull back, then it's not time yet--no harm, no foul. But if I linger close, waiting for more, you have the all-clear. Now kiss me in a way that will change my life.

You came to this place to hang out with your friends...

We met. Now I'm one of your friends. Keep this vibe in mind; it will give me time to decide if I want to be something more.

Offer to cook.

I'll really be impressed if you can teach me something in the kitchen I haven't seen yet.

Watch The Notebook.

So you can understand my references to The Notebook. These things matter.

I like it when you stare, especially if I'm naked.

It makes me feel dirty. In a good way.

Talk less. Kiss more.

It's counterintuitive; I love to talk. But I need a break from hearing my own voice.

I'm pretty sure you still have cell reception on your business trip.

If you don't check in at least once, I'll assume you're doing something you shouldn't be.

Do good deeds for strangers.

When you forgive a server's mistake, smile at a tired bank teller, or offer your train seat to a pregnant woman, you become an instant alpha male in my eyes.

Don't be afraid to wear your glasses.

It makes role-playing that much easier when you're already wearing part of the shy-accountant costume.

If you ever meet my ex, act civilized.

I traded him for an upgrade, and I don't want to be proved wrong.

Listening is to women what oral sex is to men: Proof that you really care.

Remember my favorite ice cream flavor, my childhood best friend's name, where my little brother goes to college--even if you have to take notes.

Texting is great for flirting, but...

when it comes time to ask me out, I need to hear your voice. No emoticons allowed.

Don't sit on anything while you're naked.

It kind of grosses me out.

Share a secret that shows me your sensitive side...

...even if you have to embellish your discomfort in confessing. That mild embarrassment only endears you to me. "Don't tell my guy friends," you'll whisper, "but I really liked The Notebook."

At a restaurant, give me the seat with the view.

I sit facing the action, you sit facing me. Get it? There's no reason for you to be looking anywhere else.

Plan a surprise party for me. At least once.

Make it a big deal. Invite all my friends. That's why Facebook was invented anyway.

Bring me something from your next trip.

Just one small thing. I'll keep it forever.

If you have something beautiful delivered to my office...

...I will sext you.

Give the perfect hug.

It lasts about 3 seconds longer than you think it should. Embrace me.

Tell me your 5-year plan.

Don't have one? Maybe it's time to make one. I feel more confident about a man who prepares for the future but lives for the moment. Your plan doesn't have to involve me right now, but it should have some room for me to imagine squeezing myself in.

Six magic words:

"I can't wait to see you." If you're excited, I'm excited. And if I'm already excited, that's less work for you in the long run.

The faster you can catch a bartender's attention...

...the more respect I have for you.

Don't tell me I look like someone famous.

Chances are I've already heard it. If you want to impress me, compare me to someone obscure but beautiful--"Wow, you remind me of Emilia Clarke." Now I have to engage you in conversation: "Who's that?" (Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones.) Or I'll Google her at work and then glow all day. Either way you win.

Buy better boxers.

You should really spend more money on your underwear.

I check your Facebook wall...

...every day to see who else is flirting with you, and whether you've changed your relationship status.

Do nice stuff for me in front of my friends.

It makes it harder for them to talk smack about you when you leave.

Sometimes I feel as if I have multiple personalities.

Adjust yours accordingly.

You love receiving oral sex no matter what.

I love receiving oral sex, but only when I can actually relax and not worry if your jaw is tired, or if I taste weird, or if you're really enjoying it. So even when my pants are off, you still have to keep seducing me. Tell me you like what I've done with the place. And then prove it.

Let's do something out of the ordinary.

If my first date with you is the last first date I ever have, it had better stand out.

I like the thought of grabbing your tie and pulling you in for a kiss.

And just watching you open your top button and loosen that tie puts me in the mood. I don't care if you work in a casual office. Wear one occasionally.

If you notice that my boots need reheeling...

...that my closet door squeaks, or that my watch needs a new battery, take care of it--without being asked. Your fixing something is like my initiating sex; it makes both of our lives a whole lot easier.

Write a song for me...

...and you've got a card you can play for the rest of my life. "I wrote a song for you, honey." Game over.

A fallback compliment that always makes me smile?

"I'm so lucky to have you." It seems authentic because you're talking about your own feelings.

If you're lousy on the dance floor...

...I'll assume you're lousy in bed. So fix that. You don't have to be Justin Timberlake to do it right; slow, controlled, and rhythmic is just fine. If you're self-conscious about your dancing, ask a female friend to help you with the basics.

Would you move into a new house without exploring every room?

My body is that house; you don't know me until you've kissed every inch of me.

All single women fear being used for sex.

So reassure me with a simple "You're great. You know that?" (If it's delivered within an hour of orgasm, it doesn't count.)


Cosmo Tips

The Move That'll Make Him Melt

We got 100 dudes on the street to confess the warm-weather seduction they crave more than any other.

48% "Jump me while I'm taking a cool shower on a scorching day."

24% "Get busy with me on a balcony in broad daylight."

15% "Let me hose you down while you're wearing a white tee shirt."

13% "Bring an ice cube to bed, and rub it over my naked body."


3 Ways Your Hotness Messes With His Head

Science has confirmed that men really do go gaga - as in, act astoundingly stupid - in the presence of an attractive woman.

He Forgets Stuff

An Indiana University study found that when guys watch the news, they'll pay more attention if the female anchor is provacatively dressed... but they won't remember a thing she's saying. Men are hardwired to focus on the visual, so it's difficult for their brain to retain new info when they're presented with a sexy image.

He Get Cocky

Noticing your ass may cause him to land on his. Researchers found that male skateboarders attempted more dangerous tricks when hot women watched. The reason? When guys are around sexy women, they experience a surge of testosterone, which makes them feel invincible.

He Seeks Instant Gratification

In a recent study, researchers had some men look at pictures of women in bikinis and others look at landscapes. Then both groups of guys were asked if they wanted a sum of money right then or a larger sum later on. The men who'd seen sexier pictures opted for the immediate payout, while the guys who looked at landscapes held off for more cash.