this post is being co-brought to you by nylon windbreakers and the gal i saw with "forgive but never forget" tattooed across her chest..
(boys, there's a treat for you at the end of this post..)
i know a majority of people read this for the "comedy" factor, if that's what you want to call it. the problem is, i spend too much time updating my facebook status with "funny" stuff, that when i want to blog i'm all out. i blame that on my need for instant validation that i'm entertaining. if i can, i'm going to stop posting less on facebook and save the "goods" for my blogging. i can hear a majority of you celebrating that you won't see my name in your news feed constantly :)
saw a Mike's Hard Lemonade bottle cap in the parking lot at work last Friday. kinda feminine, but it means the same as a beer bottle cap would.. work sucks..
today i paid someone $170 to put a new tire on my car but i made up for it by filling my own wiper fluid. i'd say that's a pretty manly day on my part..
i wish the treadmill would stop with all the "calories burned" bullshit and just tell me how much more fuckable i became..
sometimes you need to distance yourself from people, as hard as that is to do. if they care about you, they'll notice. if not, you'll know where you stand..
if no one out there is currently writing a script for "Mighty Ducks 4", then what is this all about, really?
i'm not into Zodiac signs at all. however, a coworker gal who is recently got on the topic of them and sent me stuff about Cancer's (which i am), and it got my attention. it fit me almost exactly. i read it and sent emails to some people i'm really close to and they were blown away as well. of course, i don't believe everyone born between June 21st and July 22nd is the exact same as me, but for whatever reason, i'm the walking billboard for what this site describes a Cancer as. i'll post a few of the things from that website and then comment on each section and why i think it applies to me.. here's the site: http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/cancer.htm
Cancer and Friendship:
Cancer is extremely loyal to those who appreciate and support them, they are the nurturer of the zodiac and will protect and cherish the person for a long time. One of the greatest things about Cancer is their ability to make others feel good about themselves and loved. This is because instead of doing this for themselves, they project this onto other people. This is a positive cycle because in making others feel nurtured, wanted and loved, they in return feel good for making someone feel good. Other people can lean on and depend on cancer, they will listen to people's problems and help them however they will rarely express their own deep feelings to anyone. People who want to share deep emotional thoughts and opinions with a Cancer might feel that the scales are tipped on one side for Cancer will rarely reveal it's true deep feelings. A friend of Cancer is usually a lifelong devoted friend that can be trusted.
i love helping people, and i put others happiness above my own, probably too often. i rarely talk to people about what's going on in my head, or what's dragging me down. a lot of that has to do with trusting very few people, but my happiness comes from seeing other people happy, especially the people i care a lot about. i feel like i'm a very good judge of character, and if i see something in someone that i like (they're very trusting), i try to be someone they know they can come to.
Cancer Temperament:
They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. Even when all needs are satisfied, they can be irritable and cranky. They have an uneasy, delicate temperament. The contradictory nature of Cancer gives their temperament the wild mood swings and possible temper tantrums. They are easily offended and will sulk and wallow in self pity for a long time when they get hurt.
the first sentence in this paragraph i kind of covered earlier. i write so often on facebook because i like "entertaining" and seeing people *like* what i write. for some reason, that validates me. i am easily offended if i hear negative things said about me because i try to be a solid person to everyone who deserves it. i'm trying to get rid of that trait because i know you can't please everyone and you'll kill yourself if you try.
Cancer Deep Inside:
It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don't let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people. They have an excellent memory and are very observant and can read people very well. They can usually tell of other people's intentions are good or not. Never dupe a Cancer, they can see your motives. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake.
nailed it, can't add anything to that..
What it's like to date a Cancer Man:
The Cancer man will not be direct with you. He will approach you cautiously and slowly. He will be very romantic and flirty and attempt to court you and win your heart with lavish gifts and attention. The reason he will never be direct with you is that he has a strong underlying fear of rejection. If you are interested in a Cancer man, you will probably have to make the first move and ask him on a date. He falls in love easily and will make you his whole world. Once you "belong to him", he will hold on to you and can become quite jealous and possessive. This is because he is worried he will lose you to another man and that would crush his spirit. He needs you to be loyal and faithful for he is the same, in a strong and close relationship, Cancer men are the most loyal of the astrology signs. They make excellent lovers for the tender woman who loves romance and being swept off her feet. Cancer is very affectionate and thrives on holding hands all the time, and constant physical contact as he absorbs the situation and experiences with his feelings. The Cancer man is all about feeling. He might not show it however and might portray a calm and cool exterior but underneath, he feels deeply and intensely. Cancer men are easily offended so do not jokingly make fun of them for they will take offense and get hurt, but once again, this will not be known to you. He will simply sulk on his own while he tries to figure out and dissect what you said. Cancer men are excellent male protectors, they are like the knight in shining armor. If you are the kind of woman that likes being looked after and cared for, and loves affection and devotion, this romantic, sensual man is perfect for you.
the people that know me know that i'm terrified of rejection, which is why i've "asked out" two girls in my life. one, i actually called, not sure where those balls came from..? the other, i asked out in a facebook message. neither said yes. i'm confident that i'd be a great boyfriend, but i'm not confident that "she" (whoever that may be) would be satisfied by me. i'd think she'd be looking elsewhere for someone smarter, funnier, in better shape, who has more money, etc. that's why it's so hard for me to get close to someone, i'm afraid of having my heart ripped out. i want that "fairytale" life with the girl who's perfect for me, if that exists. if not, i want the closest thing to it. i see so many people that settle for someone that doesn't give them butterflies everytime they see them, someone who they "can live with", not someone they "can't live without". to me, that's not living life to the fullest, and that's why people get divorced. i have high standards because i want something incredible. maybe that's unrealistic, but until i know for sure, that's what i'm trying to get.
How To Attract Cancer:
You must be direct, Cancer will not. Let your feelings for them be known, this is the first step to initiating a relationship with a Cancer. This way, they will not have to risk rejection, one of their biggest fears. If you are looking for a short fling, be straight with them. Do not lead them on to thinking there is long term commitment is there is none because you will hurt these emotionally delicate people. Trust is the most important. Build trust with them and they will gradually get closer to you. Give them approval and compliments but be careful because they will easily sense when you are complimenting them just for the sake of it. Be sincere. Ask Cancer for advice, share your problems (but don't burden them), they enjoy helping people and giving advice. They like culture and lavish experiences. Take them to a play or museum and a fancy, upscale restaurant. Do not force Cancer into a relationship or make them make a decision on the spot. They will shy away from you. Have patience, this is the key to attracting a Cancer. Be physical with them, they love genuine affection. They are very cautious and as time passes, they will slowly grow closer to you and you will have wonderful, fulfilling relationship.
i've been led on numerous times, and it's a shitty feeling. i usually find out in the end that i was used for the compliments and "charm", so to speak, while they had no intention of ever having a relationship. they just liked hearing what i had to say to them. i'll never blow smoke up someone's ass, if i compliment you, it's 100% sincere. i love feeling needed, so when someone comes to me for advice or just to get things off their chest, it's a great feeling. knowing that someone trusts you enough to share their intimate details is one of the best compliments you can get, i feel.
Cancer Erogenous Zone:
The greatest erogenous zone for Cancer is the chest and the breasts. Both women and men respond well to light sucking and kissing of the nipples. You must caress these areas delicately and softly. Never be rough. Stroke your fingers through Cancer man's chest hair, lightly and gently this will ignite the firey passion hidden behind the shell.
i have chest hair..
Sex With Cancer:
Cancer is very physical. Expect sex with Cancer to be a fully encompassing sexual experience. Lots of tender foreplay, massages afterwards, candles lit by the bedside, soft music in the background, delicious scented potpourri, everything to appeal to all senses. It will be delicate and passionate and an experience you won't soon forget. Do not expect too much novelty and experimentation because Cancer is a very conservative sign. Some Cancer's might be willing to try something new but they will never be the ones to suggest it, you have to or it will never happen. They might go along with your idea because they do enjoy new experiences. Make them always feel safe and secure when trying anything new and they might love it and incorporate it into your regular sex life.
better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, eh? i think the "massages afterwards" part means "early the next afternoon" though..
guys, i suggest you learn to love country music. here's why: most girls love dancing to country music. and most girls look fucking incredible in cowboy hats. have i mentioned that girls who can dance are 482 times hotter than girls who can't? i have? good. double that..
at what age do you begin to leave your blinker on at all times? probably around the same time that you become completely oblivious to anyone behind you in line at the gas station and proceed to talk about the weather, your friend in the nursing home, or lottery tickets. figure it out..
spelling and grammar is in the top 4 of traits i look for in a girl. i'm not kidding either.
i was recently going through some of my facebook messages, and reading things that people have sent me after reading my blogs, posts, etc. i will anonymously post some here because they make me happy, and i want to make myself happy for once (you don't have to leave the room).
You are way too nice of a guy!!!
So i just got done reading that 25 fact thing and think you are the biggest sweetheart that has ever came out of Rocori High School. Along with that you are way too funny for your own good as well. I hope you never change and we need to hang out more and do some more dancing!
hey
sorry that I'v been stalking your fb page. But I have to look at it just to put a smile on my face for they day. where the hell do you find your sayings and quotes?
Hi Dan!
Hope you are having a great day! I just wanted to tell you, I really enjoy reading your blog. The humor and raw honesty in your writing is great.
So this is really random
I cant help but laugh at what I'm about to say. Lol.. Your blogs crack me up,i usually catch up on before bed, so because of this I have been having the most messed up dreams..haha, just thought I'd share cause I hardly dream anymore..so thanks for all the blogging!
Hi Dan!
Thanks for the tag about your blog, as always I very much enjoyed reading it. I highly encourage you to pursue creative writing or even comedy writing.....you are very talented and have a gift with words. I apologize for how odd that may sound from someone you have not talked to in years, but I wanted to be honest with you....you have a lot of talent and recognizable passion for writing.
Aside from your blog, I hope all is going wonderful for you.
You will make someone happy... just wait. That's one heck of a Xmas gift.
these are a few examples of why i love writing. any time someone writes to me that my blog made them smile/laugh or they can relate to something i said, it makes it all worth it. so, this is a green light for anyone to send stuff to me, whether it's compliments, criticisms, things you want to read more of, less of, etc. i love the feedback. keep it above the belt though, i get offended easily (i'm a Cancer) :) (actually, there is an option at the bottom of this page to "like" or "dislike" what you read, email it, or to post it on facebook or twitter, etc. please feel free to use these tools if you want to share it..
some guys "pick up chicks approach" is to pump alcohol into a girl until she's too drunk to know her name and that he's a douchebag. if a girl is at that point, you should walk her to a cab, not your place. it's only a victory if you earned it. Barry Bonds' homeruns should have asterisks, any girl you sleep with that can't walk without assistance should have an asterisk too.. liquid steroids..
i spend most days agreeing with anything pretty girls say..
when a hot girl walks by a group (two or more) guys, those guys stare at her butt and then acknowledge it to each other. if they know one another, it could be a lengthy conversation. if they don't know each other, a knowing head-nod or "unbelievable" head-shake will do.. i feel good when i'm honest..
somehow ended up in Victoria's Secret a few weeks ago. just once, i'd like to be in there with someone willing to wear what they sell with me in private. i asked the female i was with if i was allowed to touch anything (underwear-wise, not her) or if i'd be arrested. i'm not entirely sure what the concept behind crotchless panties is..? why even wear underwear at that point? half the fun is getting there. okay, maybe less than half, but it's still pretty damn fun. then i saw the Vikings stuff and had to leave, because if anything is hotter than a girl wearing sex clothes of a team that you root for, i have yet to see it.. also unknowingly hit on a girl who works at Express who has had a boyfriend for 4 years. sorry Rachel.
my brother, Bryan received this letter from his youngest daugther before he left for deer hunting: "Dad, please don't go deer hunting. Yes No".. he was supposed to circle yes or no. cutest ever..
i recently "patched up" a friendship that was rocky for two months. basically, a sarcastic joke i had made was taken in a way i hadn't intended, she took offense to it, and we stopped chatting. now, if you read the attributes of a Cancer earlier in this blog, you probably know this was hard, since "conflict of any kind causes great distress" for me. she actually was someone i had had a crush on for a while, so that made it even harder, because rather than getting closer to her, i pushed her away unintentionally. i kept thinking that maybe eventually she would miss chatting with me. as a guy, it's always hard to know if you're doing the right thing or saying the right thing to girls that you're crushing on. you don't want to come on too strong, but you want to make them know that you're into them. of course, my main goal was to make her happy, and i thought she could be with me. i just found several things about her attractive (personality: i dug her silliness and ability to simultaneously not take shit from people and stand up for herself while not caring what people thought about her. people who have care-free attitudes and don't take everything in life too seriously are just more fun to be around. low-maintenance. and she has a positive attitude and outlook, which is always sexy. looks: f'ing hot, and i really liked her eyes).. i don't get to chat with her very often one-on-one, and maybe that's good because it would just be harder. but i know she reads these, so this is my sneaky way of letting her know what i thought.. she's now dating another guy, which of course makes me jealous in a way because i'm human. but as long as she's happy and he treats her right, i can only be happy for her. she deserves it.
Damn You Auto Correct:
lastly, i hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Thanksgiving and takes the day/weekend to reflect on the good things in their lives. i see so many negative comments on a daily basis about trivial things like traffic, homework, etc. meanwhile, thousands of families have people they love at war, unable to be with the people they care about. at the same time, millions of people have family members suffering illnesses and are unable to tell them how they feel. i highlighted a part of a book that i'm reading right now ("The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren) that fits this season:
"I have been at the bedside of many people in their final moments, when they stand on the edge of eternity, and I have never heard anyone say, "Bring me my diplomas! I want to look at them one more time. Show me my awards, my medals, that gold watch I was given." When life on earth is ending, people don't surround themselves with objects. What we want around us is people - people we love and have relationships with. In our final moments we all realize that relationships are what life is all about. Wisdom is learning that truth sooner rather than later. Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to figure out that nothing matters more."
bottom line, before your turkey-fueled nap, count your blessings and make sure the people you love and care for know how you feel. God willing, you'll have a long time to show them, but you never know when that opportunity is taken away. we're all luckier than we realize. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, have a safe weekend :)
40 Unwritten Rules to Live By - Men's Health
1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
3. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he's your father.
5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don't mumble. And don't swing the stick.
9. The man who can't dance, can't converse, and can't provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can't cook, can't clean, and badly wants a drink.
10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.
11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.
12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.
13. Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her.
14. Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.
15. Easy on the mayo!
16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.
17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.
18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid — the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you're expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you'll become a person who probably can't be trusted.
19. Do not bring lunch to work.
20. Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.
21. You will never become a rock star.
22. As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology.
23. Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if it's so true God himself would back you up.
24. Telling a person in management, "I'm a bit of a philosopher," means you're a total loser.
25. When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.
26. Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways, when under oath in federal court.
27. Always wear freshly laundered or pressed clothing to work. Even one wrinkle will have certain coworkers creating—and perhaps sharing—scenarios of debauchery or financial distress.
28. Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston.
29. Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you're talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are.
30. When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That's for a bottle, not a gallon.
31. Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon.
32. An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance.
33. The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed.
34. It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water.
35. Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose.
36. Never suggest to another person at the gym that he's not working hard enough to accomplish anything.
37. People who live in glass houses are idiots.
38. Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health.
39. When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears.
40. Stop waiting and just go for it. Do you really have time to second-guess yourself?
as promised guys, ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews was caught in a Gatorade bath over the weekend. Enjoy:
