Wednesday, December 7, 2011

christmas shoes..

this post is being co-brought to you by my coworker who spells pamphlets "phamlets" and the girl on "Cops" who said "fo realz, officer?" when he arrested her after crack fell out of her shoe..


i'm glad no one has ever hated me enough to throw me a surprise party..

to the 11-year-old girl at the mall who wore a "Talk Shit, Get Hit" t-shirt: i'd like to hit your parents..

i'd rather give Magic Johnson a hand job than scrape frost off my windshield before 8 a.m.

the word "panties" makes me nervous..

fairly confident that the neighbor girl thinks i'm a mentally handicapped pervert at the amount of times i've "forgotton" how to unlock my apartment door so i could look at her ass when she walks by..

i'd by jeans from Best Buy before i'd by a CD from Hollister..


i'd like to share the story about what caused me to go back to church.. it's not a super religious story, one of the reasons i chose to go to a non-denominational church is because it's less "button-down" and "stuffy", they just talk about how having God in your life improves situations, they related it to your every day life and every week that i go, a story hits home with me.. as a kid, i dreaded going to church, it was just so boring and i really didn't understand it.. i don't know that i fully "understand" it now, but it's something i truly look forward to.. a quick side note before i even start that story: i've been off my anxiety medication now for three weeks and am doing very well without it.. i think a HUGE part of that is that since i went back to church, i've learned how to ask Him for help.. if i'm in a tough spot where i'm feeling the anxiety symptoms, stressing over something or just overwhelmed, it feels so good to be like "God, i need your help here, help me get through this.. i'm going to give you this problem and let me know how to get through it.." it sounds cheesy, and to people who are against religion it sounds crazy and stupid, i'm sure.. but it's something that helps me.. everyone is entitled to their beliefs, and it's my belief that living how He wants you to makes life so much more rewarding.. i've volunteered through church, and it's an amazing feeling to know you're helping people that are less fortunate than you are, who otherwise might not eat or have a Christmas, etc.. this Saturday i'm assisting at church with an Advent giveaway to families in need, and next Saturday i'm ringing the Salvation Army bell in front of K-Mart.. would it be easier to take a nap or catch up on tv shows? of course.. but they don't feel nearly as rewarding afterwards.. that kind of stuff kind of sticks in the back of your mind until you hear stories about people who are in tough spots in their life.. which brings me to this:

in October of 2010, i was just beginning a program called "Attacking Anxiety and Depression", and part of that program was speaking to a "coach" who would call me once a week.. that coach of mine was very religious, and at that point i was not, so i was a little uncomfortable by it.. anyway, it was during this time that i was down in the Rochester area, visiting my brother's and their families.. one of my brother's plays guitar and sings, and every few weeks, he does that at church.. it so happened that the weekend i was visiting was the weekend he was scheduled to sing.. he told me i could come and hang out or sleep through it.. he said there was going to be a speaker who had been there before and was great, so i decided that i'd go..

the man's name is John Pritikin, a "strongman" who grew up in Illinois, battling speech impediments and learning disabilities growing up.. due to these conditions, he was bullied on a daily basis by his peers and told that he'd never amount to anything by some teachers (who should be fucking shot, by the way).. he would "always sit alone because nobody befriended him" (if you don't have that "almost crying" feeling in your throat by now, you're tougher than i am).. to make matters worse, he became overweight in middle school, which only enhanced the abuse.. despite the bullying, and despite the fact that he was on academic probation, he was determined to make something of himself.. he applied and was accepted to Bethany University in California and graduated in 1995.. since then, he started a non-profit organization called "Feel the Power", which has allowed him to speak to more than 3 million people worldwide.. he grabs their attention by doing his "feats of strength" (he's the Guiness Book World Record holder for "the tightest circumference of two aluminum frying pans rolled together with his bare hands in less than 30 seconds," narrowly beating me.. during his speech that day in church, he spoke about seeing a boy in the church parking lot early in the day.. he called him over, and asked where he lived.. the boy lived within sight, so John asked him to come to church that night.. the boy told him he couldn't because he had to watch his sister, he didn't have parents.. i wish i could remember more of the details, but he ended the story by saying at the end of his speech that night, he felt a tug on his leg.. when he looked down, he saw that very boy he had talked to earlier in the parking lot.. the boy said "thank you for saving my life.." John didn't know what he meant, so he asked, "how did i save your life?" the boy said, "i was going to kill myself tonight.." at this point at church, i have tears flowing and i had made up my mind that the first thing i was doing when i got home was finding a non-denominational church in the area.. i'll always remember John Pritikin's story, and it's the reason why i go to church now.. i found a bit of his story in print, which i'll share here

After getting the students' attention with the stunts, Mr. Pritikin began to tell the story of a little boy who ended up in a special-education class in first grade because he couldn't talk properly. The speech impediment caused the boy to be picked on and bullied.

Mr. Pritikin said one day in third grade, the boy was overjoyed when he was finally asked to participate in a running game with a large group of classmates. But partway through the game, the other boys turned on him and began to chase him.

As the boy tried to run away, he was eventually tripped by someone and he fell and hurt his face, requiring a trip to the emergency room and stitches.

In fourth grade, he said, the boy was taken out of his special education classroom and placed in a regular classroom, where the other students made fun of him and the teacher called him a "throwaway."

In seventh grade, the boy started a new school, where his mother told him the students would be nicer. But the bullying and exclusion continued. On his first day of school when he tried to eat lunch at a table where some eighth-grade girls were sitting, he was called "retarded" and chased away. He ran outside and sat alone by a tree crying.

"He found out the girls could be as mean as the boys," Mr. Pritikin said.

In high school, the boy faced more harassment. However, there he was befriended by a teacher who helped him find his way around the school and spent time with him after school helping him with his homework and to correct his speech problems.

That teacher changed the boy's destiny by helping him improve his speech and academics and to feel better about himself. It was also during that time that the boy started to work out and play sports.

He was then able to go to college, though he had to apply to numerous schools in order to find one that would accept him -- Bethany University in Scotts Valley, Calif. -- and that was on academic probation.

Though he struggled his freshman year, Mr. Pritikin said the boy eventually made the dean's list and was able to graduate even though some of the adults in his life had tried to convince him at times that he wasn't college material.

If students hadn't figured it out on their own, by this point in the story, Mr. Pritikin revealed that the boy was him.

"My whole life, people made fun of me," Mr. Pritikin said. "I was someone that everyone laughed at and made fun of and I can remember every word that was spoken to me."

But the important message, he said, is that he never gave up on himself.

The attention from his high school teacher helped him immensely.

"He saw something in me that no one else did," Mr. Pritikin said.

Years later, he would run into that teacher again in the audience of an inspirational speech he was giving to businessmen at the Oakland, Calif., convention center.

"He said, 'Jon I am really proud of you,'" Mr. Pritikin said.

Mr. Pritikin encouraged students to never give up on themselves and to stand up for those who are being picked on.

"No one ever stood up for me," he said.

He also encouraged students to find ways to include those not normally included in their activities, such as inviting a student who eats lunch alone to join a group.

"Sometimes all we need is someone to eat lunch with us, someone to be our friend," Mr. Pritikin told the students.



just once more in my life i'd like to feel the excitement i felt on Christmas morning '89 when i woke up to a Nintendo already set up with Mario Brothers inside.. since Christmas is fast approching, here are some of my memories growing up:

Fuck yeah, give me that blue doll, Pops!!


Hulk Hogan Wrestling Buddy, a basketball and radio.. some things don't change.. glad my hair did though..


I like sports..


Sure, Mom, take a picture.. you're just delaying me opening this "Cutest Baby Ever" award though.. (or something Big Bird/"Sesame Street" related, it looks like.. whatever it is, i'm fired up)..


Leaving for work..

"Let me just get a blood pressure here..."


I have to add this because it's just awesome.. my dad's surprise 50th birthday party:




Mount Rushmore of the best fictional athletes in movies while i was growing up:

Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (The Sandlot)


Adam Banks (Mighty Ducks)


Johnathon Moxon (Varsity Blues)


Jesus Shuttlesworth (He Got Game)



to all the girls who date idiots:



November 22nd, 2011.

i go to Gold's Gym to sit in the sauna, fairly uneventful to begin, except for the man in pink swim trunks shadowboxing.. i step out of the sauna to cool down for a bit and go back in.. a girl has taken my spot in the corner, next to the only working light bulb.. she's wearing a baggy maroon t-shirt, so i'm unable to get an accurate boob measurement.. luckily i'm topless, so she doesn't have the same problem.. since i'm reading Cosmo, i need my light.. i sit fairly close to her so i'm able to read.. page 140, Sex Q & A.. she must have noticed..

"what's it say?", she says..

(i laugh, not sure how to explain to a stranger what Cosmo suggests to a woman who's so used to climaxing with her vibrator that it's ruining sex with her boyfriend..)

i respond, "yeah, Cosmo in the sauna, kinda my guilty pleasure.."

20 seconds later:
"sooooo.. what's it say?"

(fuck shit damn.. now what do i say?? luckily i'm witty..)

"it says the same stuff it said last month, and the month before that.. they've have 100 "new" sex tips since the beginning of time.. i could write these articles, they're so predictable.."

"what would you say?"
"what?"
"you said you could write for them. what's ONE THING would you say?"

(boy am i in a bad spot.. i haven't had sex since people liked Obama.. it's probably changed by now.. penis in vagina, repeat until stuff comes out, right?)

i show her #46 on page 122 in an "100 Best Sex Tips of the Year" article:

"46. Check out his hands. Guys with shorter index fingers than ring fingers tend to have bigger penises, finds an awesome new study."

then i do something incredibly ballsy.. i show her my hand.. ring finger longer.. envision having sex in a sauna.. i give out "O" faces like they're Halloween candy..

"so if this finger is longer, they're supposed to be bigger?", she says.. "or at least decent?" (that's probably more accurate..)

she follows with this gem: "i knew a girl who gave a guy a blow job with ice cubes in her mouth. i guess he liked it." (oh really? a guy enjoyed having his penis in a girls mouth?)
"have you ever done something like that?" (not when i was awake)
"umm, no i guess you could say i don't have a ton of experience with girls."
"really? why is that?"
"i'm shy i guess, poor self-esteem, don't think i'm great looking."
"that's NOT true!" (congratulating myself for skipping the extra sour cream at Chipotle earlier in the night)..

i tell her that i really groove on those tight white stretchy tank top things and cheekies from Victoria's Secret.. that's my go-to girl get-up.. that opens the flood gates and she begins to tell me stories about hooking up in a hotel parking lot, lights go on behind the car they're in but they're still clothed so they drive away.. later they return to have sex in the same parking lot.. she also recounted the story of her turning down a threesome with her best friend for reasons i can't remember, and then asking if i've ever had one.. a threesome?? until that point i was pretty happy that i've given a girl an orgasm using only my penis those couple times.. this 22-year-old girl has never met me and has just engaged me in a half-hour conversation about sex and said i wasn't ugly while i was half naked.. so what do i do? what every other single, red-blooded American man would do.. go sit by the pool and kick myself for not getting her number..


a couple of the "100 tips" that stood out:

7. Slip on cashmere gloves, and slowly stroke his member. ("member"??)

15. Keep your standards high: A study revealed you're more likely to O with a hottie. (oh really, girls are more likely to orgasm with guys they're more attracted to?)

21. Sit on the edge of the washing machine, and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you. Helpful hint: the cotton cycle provides the strongest vibrations. (good grief..)

22. Let him love your nipples: Scientists discovered nip sensations activate the same area of the brain from the vagina.

36. When he's going down on you, tell him to trace a devious message on your hoo-ha. (why "hoo-ha"?)

38. Try the constant-flick technique: Your guy darts his tongue rapidly against your lady bits. (oh, that new move?)

68. Touch yourself in front of him. Forty-eight percent of men want to watch you go at it solo. (the rest of the 52% are blind and/or homosexual.)

82. Try a challenge from Cosmo's sex blog: Slide a candy necklace around your thigh and have him nibble it off. (what's the challenge? to not nibble something else? i don't get it..)

83. "My rule is that whenever I buy a pair of shoes, they should always be worn in the bedroom during the sex act before they are worn anywhere else." - British TV Host Holly Willoughby (this is correct.)

90. Break out a mirror. Ava Cadelle, PhD, says seeing yourselves hot and writhing around ups the intensity.

95. Initiate sex. The biggest complaint we get from men is that their ladies rarely make the first move.

100. Experts have found that full-body orgasms are possible. To have one, quickly squeeze your Kegel muscles right before you climax. (you're wlecome, ladies.)

Poor guy..


January issue of Cosmo, the new Bedside Astrologer 2012! here's what it says about Cancer men (me!):

CANCER MAN - Things That Make Him Irresistable

Hel-lo, Mr. Romance
The adorable e-mails! The little gifts! The super sensual sex!

He Shows He Cares
He'll grab your hand during the scary parts of the movie and text at the end of the night to make sure you got home safely.

He's Sexually Psychic
This in-tune dude is incredibly good at knowing what touch will take you over the edge.

How To Win His Heart
He's very close to his family and friends, so make an extra effort with them, like bringing his mom banana bread and being sure to ask his buddies what's new in their lives.

What Turns Him Off
Pushing him to reveal details about past GFs before he's ready can make the private Crab sink back into his shell. Also, he hates TMI - keep details about the cramps from hell to yourself.

The Sex Trick He Craves
Sultry Eye Contact
Cancer is one of the most intimate signs, and he loves seeing just how much he rocks your world as you get it on.



Cancer's compatibility with other signs:

1 or 2 - Mild Matchup
3 or 4 - There's Potential
5 or 6 - Red Hot Duo
7 or 8 - He's a Keeper
9 or 10 - Jackpot!

Aries
Love - 2, Sex - 5

Taurus
Love - 10, Sex - 8

Gemini
Love - 3, Sex - 4

Cancer
Love - 8, Sex - 9

Leo
Love - 4, Sex - 5

Virgo
Love - 9, Sex - 10

Libra
Love - 3, Sex - 4

Scorpio
Love - 9, Sex - 9

Sagittarius
Love - 3, Sex - 4

Capricorn
Love - 7, Sex - 9

Aquarius
Love - 5, Sex - 3

Pisces
Love - 7, Sex - 9


so, my soulmate is either Julianne Hough (Cancer), Erin Andrews (Taurus) or Brooke Burke (Virgo).. i'll take it..?




busted into my old phones i had laying around, looking for comical text messages.. here's what ensued.. (editors note: my phone from 3 phones ago features a wallpaper of a random girl at a Chicago Buffalo Wild Wings sitting down with her back to me because i could see her blue thong sticking out.. let a player play..)

12-9-07, text from roommate:
"You punch in with that chick yet?" (no idea who he was referring to, so i'm guessing i did not.)

12-12-07, text from roommate:
"What does a pizza delivery man and gynecologist have in common? They both love the smell but never get to taste it."

12-16-07, text from roommate:
"People still wear earmuffs."

1-12-08, text from roommate:
"We are taking turns ejaculating on your bed."

1-13-08, me to roommate:
"I had a non-sexual dream about Carlos Gomez last night, what's that mean?"

1-15-08, me to roommate:
"Who would you rather have sex with? Wilma Flinstone, Betty Rubble or Jane Jetson?"


Coversations between roommates/friends and i, circa 2010-2011:
Him: "Hitting any crotch tonight?
Me: "Ideally."

Him: "My name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiid Rock!!"
Me: "You at the bar?"

Him: "My date last night said I had good game. When did we become ladies men?"
Me: "You have the wrong number."

Him: "At Don Robinsons. Guy just said 'nice TV' for the 27 inch Panasonic DVD/VCR combo from 1990."
Me: "Do you need a ride?"
Him: "Turns out I need a new car. Something wrong with my stabilizer bar. Tranny and brake fluid flush, wheel bearing and tire rod... I know what none of that means."
Me: "It'll buff out."
Him: "My blinker fluid is good though."
Me: "That's all the ladies care about."

Him: "Did you stick and move last night?"
Me: "A girl hit on me and then I couldn't find her again."
Him: "Well played."

Me: "His girlfriend is a beast."
Him: "Who's his girlfriend?"
Me: "Not sure.. I've seen them at Cash Wise twice. Hot, if you like mustaches."

Him: "Boobs are nice."
Me: "Correct."
Him: "So are thighs."
Me: "Don't text me when you're masturbating.

Him: "I tried to hook up with the girl I lost my virginity to. She wasn't fond of that."
Me: "Prude."
Him: "I'll work through it though."
Me: "Sounds pretty rapey of you. Why is she all against you?"
Him: "Cock too big probably."
Me: "Good point. Chicks hate that."