(writer's note: as i'm finishing writing this, the lights at my work are being turned off.. the things i do for you kids.. it's Friday night, you know how many girls have texted me for dates?? none, i was somehow talked into the life-long Verizon plan that forbids females i'm not related to from contacting me..) anyway, here we go..
this post is being co-brought to you by mustaches and jean shorts..
i usually start out more serious and get sillier along the way, so i'll continue that trend. recently i found two Bob Marley quotes or something he wrote, and they just blew me away. i posted them in the "notes" section of my Facebook page but who reads those? i'll post them and then comment on them afterwards.
"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley
"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."
— Bob Marley
how cool are those? i could write an entire blog on what i want and what attracts me and how i envision my life to be when i find the right person, but those two paragraphs are perfect. i like that stuff more than the average guy, i've seen too many relationships be "just okay" and people stick with them because it's easy. don't settle because it's "comfortable" and "easier". why be less happy than you can be? who makes you happy? who do you look forward to talking to at the end of the day? who do you trust to be there in any situation? who could you do nothing with and still have a great time? who knows what to say to cheer you up? who do you want to impress, but know you don't have to because they like everything about you? find that person. you're not going to share interests in every relationship. who cares? it would be boring if you both liked all of the same things. you have to do your own thing sometimes so you enjoy the time together that much more. i'm telling you, when i'm with someone i like, even "boys nights" are spent thinking about her. of course, i enjoy the time spent with my friends, but you think "i wonder what she's doing" "is she thinking about me?" "what funny thing is happening that she can't wait to tell me about?" you need that time apart so you don't drive each other crazy. and if the person you like is passionate about something, try to learn as much about it as you can. they'll appreciate you wanting to know more about something you love. for example, my sister and her boyfriend have been together 4 or 5 years. he's big into hunting and fishing, she never was before him. now she hunts and fishes with him constantly, she's caught giant muskies and shot turkeys. why? because she loves spending time with him and she knows how much he cares about it. i've also heard people say things like "he's talking about marriage now, i don't know what i'll say. i mean, there's nothing wrong with him." well, there's what's wrong. the person you spend the rest of your life with should excite you and make you happy. you shouldn't be "on the fence" about it. of course, it takes time to get to know someone and find that out, but if you know the person extremely well and they don't stand out as someone you can't live without, it's not worth saying you'll be there forever. i'm not trying to say everyone has to do it the way i'm explaining it (the romantic way?). that's not right for some people, and i'm not right or wrong. it's just how i am. just look for the person who makes you feel like those Bob Marley quotes. that's what it's all about.
i'm reminded about something my brother told me on the drive up deer hunting a couple years ago: "girls are weird, man. even if you find a cool one, they'll still do things that drive you crazy." you just have to find the one who makes the "crazy" worth it.
i'm not a very "manly" man, but if the fire alarm keeps beeping while i'm trying to sleep at 4 a.m., the force in which i rip that fucking thing off the wall would make a nun wet.
we need to set up a course to teach elderly people how to operate self-checkouts. i can coast through my entire grocery list in about 2 minutes, meanwhile it takes them 4 1/2 minutes to scan their Ensure and denture cream, with 6 "please wait for assistance"s.
on that topic, i can't walk past anything that says "4 for $3" without buying it. sounds like one hell of a deal, even though i'm probably saving about 15 cents on those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. the fact that i have two eaten by the time i get home probably isn't helping the new love handles either.
anyone ever keep Listerine in their mouth for 30 seconds, like they tell you to? not possible.
when in doubt, do the opposite of whatever the guy in black jeans is doing.
i haven't been in Hollister in years. is it still a Jimmy Eat World concert at 5 million decibels? does anyone work there who has not won homecoming king or queen? why didn't the bracelet-thing i bought years ago bring me to a whole new level sexually?
i've never seen a fat female meteorologist.
anyone see the trainwreck that Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife with? i will never condone cheating but isn't the point to be with someone better looking? I'm not a huge Maria Shriver fan but this woman (who is named Mildred, if you're scoring at home) looks like a transvestite. Tiger Woods cheated with several women and not one was better looking than his wife. So, not only did they intentionally hurt someone they "loved", they also severely lowered their standards in doing so. why get married? if you're that kind of person who can't resist temptation, why not wait until you don't travel all over the world by yourself and aren't put in those situations? i'll never understand it. maybe because i don't have hundreds of gorgeous women throwing themselves at me, but i'd pick the one who looked the best making pancakes in the morning and tell the rest to take a hike.
96% sure i got frostbite while volunteering for the Salvation Army in December. I had the opportunity through my church to ring the bell for them in front of Cash Wise for two hours. of course it's the coldest, windiest day of the year. knowing me, you'd think i'd forget mittens or something obvious. i didn't. but i did wear tennis shoes while standing on frozen cement for two hours. i'm an idiot. but anyway, i had to go inside Cash Wise twice to take off my shoes and rub feeling back into my feet. they haven't been un-cold since. it was worth it though, with so many people thanking me for standing out there. i'd do it again in a heartbeat, but i'd mix in some boots.
is there a better feeling than fingernails being ran lightly up and down your back?
looked out for a coworkers sex life recently. he and his gal both work where i do. she wanted him to do something he didn't want to (weird) so i said something like, "she'll pay you back tonight." she's like "can't, i'm on my period." i said, "gross. well your mouth isn't." sometimes i say inappropriate things. luckily most everyone i work with understands my personality and that i'm just being silly.
if anyone ever dies from blow job overdose, my money is the guy who shot Osama bin Laden. i might be last.
watched a few episodes of "When Animals Attack" recently. i'm sorry, but if you're putting your head inside an alligators mouth, i have zero sympathy for you when he tries tearing it off. it's a fucking alligator, he eats humans for fun, what are you expecting? and don't get me started on bull riding. nothing makes me happier than when a bull tap dances on some guys ribcage after he falls off. except maybe when he drags the guy around the edge of the ring and his forehead bounces off all the fence posts. should have majored in accounting.
if i eat more than one doughnut, i feel like a bear that just woke up from hibernation.
is there a worse feeling than seeing a spider, going to get a tissue to catch him, then coming back and he's nowhere to be found? the first place i look is my pants, obviously, like the spider grew wings and flew to me in another room. then i'll spend the next half hour tearing things apart, eventually conceding that i'll swallow him in my sleep.
i cried when my brother told me wrestling was fake. now, i was pretty young, it's not like this was two weeks ago. but through stories from my family, i was into two things from day one: sports and wrestling. when i was three, my mom tells me i would ask every night "is wessling on?" not sure it gets much cuter than that. i'm only talking about wrestling because last week, one of my favorite wrestlers growing up passed away. Randy "Macho Man" Savage had a heart attack while driving and crashed into a tree. in the summer, i would bike the 5 miles into Movies and More nearly on a daily basis to rent wrestling movies. it still blows me away how anyone can think for a second that any part of it is real. the good guys (babyfaces) and bad guys (heels, look at me with all this wrestling lingo) came out from behind the same curtain. they're all 250 pounds and punching each other in the face, but they don't bleed and they rarely fall over. they throw each other into the ropes and allow the other guy to flip them over their back, like they didn't see it coming. but it's entertainment, and i grew up loving it. now, i'll read autobiographies from some of my favorite wrestlers, just to learn more about the behind-the-scenes stuff. who actually hated who, what went into certain angles, etc. definitely nerdy but i've been called worse. one event that still haunts me to this day was just a random show, probably "Saturday Nights Main Event", where "Rowdy" Roddy Piper was attacked in the dressing room, and his "assailants" put his leg in a folding chair and stomped on it. i remember screaming and crying during this, i'm sure my family was laughing like crazy but it's still a memory to this day. now i follow "Rowdy" Roddy Piper on Twitter (along with several other wrestlers). it's come full circle :)
watching "Cops" the other night, they were doing a prostitution sting. the cop (dude wanting to pay for sex) picks up a whore (doing whore things). they have the following conversation:
Cop: "do i need a condom?"
Whore: "mmm.. no."
why would you? she's only a hooker.. i'm sure that thing is clean..
a buddy recently said the following sentence, speaking on behalf of all straight males:
"finishing in a girls mouth.. doesn't get much better than that."
keeping with that theme, i'm going to post a few texts from "Texts From Last Night", that might be too risque for Facebook. not that that's stopped me before.
(864): just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside.
(315): mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
(562): if we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
(609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
(201): We better fuck soon then.
(313): her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
(608): im almost positive that in mud thrust she told me she was pro choice
(518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
(914): she was bad bro. like.. id rather put my dick in a blender.
(314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, "whats this thingy?"
(516): whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break?"
(918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you.
(580): Really.
(908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
(713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
(512): babe, don't say it like that!"
(713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.
(772): i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
(203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
(603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the coolest non-sexual thing i've ever been told was, "i feel so safe with you" while cuddling. granted, this girl's previous relationship was abusive (at least verbally), so maybe it was less me and more the fact that i wasn't calling her a whore.
i'd share some of my favorite texts that i've received (sexual and non-sexual) but a person who shared a womb with me also reads this and i don't think she's interested in those. you're welcome, Nik. remember this at Christmas.
another one of my favorite lyrics:
"So Impossible" by Dashboard Confessional"
So she says
"Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come
with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things like..
Do you do you like dashing the dirt
on the whole class or
talking the big smack or
playing the fool or
wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends
wearing your old threads or
if you like coffee in the evening
These are a few things that I'd like to know
that I'd like to know"
So I say...
"I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in
and my friend isn't busy
he'd be happy to join me
and maybe my friend
and your friend
will hit it off or maybe we will?"
I'm dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible or only the practical
or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just
don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.
Men's Health tips
9 Ways To Be the Perfect Girlfriend
Laugh With Us, And At Us
Men don't measure mates against the Victoria's Secret catalog. In fact, only 12 percent of us say that superficial stuff matters more than a woman's sense of humor, smarts, or sweet demeanor. That trio proves irresistible to more than 75 percent of our readers.
But of the three, sense of humor is most important—it serves as our mental matchmaker. "It's a sign of intellectual compatibility," says Billy Goldberg, M.D., coauthor of Why Do Men Fall Asleep after Sex? "You can't just be a laugh track. Men want a woman who is as comfortable relating her own ridiculous anecdote as she is listening to ours."
Humor actually serves three roles. First, it defuses awkward situations, says David Borgenicht, coauthor of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex. So the dinner your guy just charred is hilarious, not disgusting. Second, it identifies common ground: "Really? You loved Blades of Glory, too?" And most important, it shows your spine—our high-school yearbook photo or encyclopedic grasp of baseball stats probably deserves to be skewered, after all.
So go ahead, take us down a notch. Wield your humor wisely and we'll be hooked for good.
Take Your Affection Outside
Ninety-seven percent of Men's Health readers, which is as close to unanimous as it gets, want a woman who's willing to show her love in public. "Men want a woman who's confident enough in her sexuality to make a move, no matter the circumstances," says Neil Chethik, author of VoiceMale.
That doesn't mean you should suck face at the Four Seasons. Subtle displays—a close kiss during a walk, a graze of his thigh in the car, even a smoldering look shot across a crowded dinner party—can stoke his fires. His hips will tell you how passionately to pounce: Only half of all PDA-friendly guys want a full-on makeout session in public. If he moves closer, that's your green light to heat things up.
Kiss Us When We're Down
Men want a partner, not a caregiver. More than 67 percent of Men's Health guys are begging for an end to sappy, smothering moves like fixing our errant hair or straightening our collars.
What's a caring girlfriend to do? "A man wants to be with someone who will defend and support him," says Chethik. It's easier for him to accept help from you—to admit that he has a weakness—if a specific event or issue is bringing him down." In other words, help us fix our problems, not our character flaws.
So bring us soup when we're sick in bed; lift us up when a work project is stomping us down. Help a man feel secure, like you've got his back, and he'll want to spend time with you. Stifle him and he might start looking to escape.
Compliment Us - Carefully
We love that you love our abs. But we hope that isn't all you love about us. "A man wants to hear that no matter how he looks, there's something deeper you find sexy about him, whether it's how he tells a story or how he touches you," says Chethik.
Our Men's Health guys agree: Only 8 percent say they like to hear about physical qualities, but 66 percent want you to pinpoint an intangible quality, something we uniquely possess. Be sincere and specific: "I love how safe you make me feel" trumps "You're so great" any day. Bonus: You're reinforcing his efforts to care for you.
Impress Our Friends...
You're smart enough to grant your man the occasional guys' night out, right? Good. Boxing out a man's friends is a relationship deal breaker, according to 83 percent of the men we surveyed.
But make the most of that long leash you've granted him. Look at his best available pals as fix-up material for your solo friends. And if he's planning a pub crawl, meet his crew at the bar, buy the first round, then peel off so they can spend time together: "You have a blast with the boys, hon. I'm going to head home and relax." He'll keep you in mind all night long, and later on his buds will gripe less when you're on a date during the NBA playoffs (if it's game two, in an early round).
"It's important for her to relate to his friends," says Dr. Goldberg, "not just tolerate them."
... And Let Us Meet Yours
We're jealous. We admit it. And we hate that side of ourselves as much as you do.
We're not prudes, mind you. We know you flirt, and 79 percent of us don't mind, provided only words—not phone numbers or caresses—are exchanged. "Men want to be with a girl who radiates, someone who makes other people say, 'Wow, she's interesting, engaging, and attractive,'" says Piven. "We want her to be social with other men without being blatantly seductive."
So introduce us to your buddies. We'll feel less threatened by the other men in your life if we're friendly with them, too. You might even invite us to tag along for after-work happy hour once in a while. If we're mingling at a bar or a party, you don't need to hang on our every word, but reassure us every now and then by making eye contact across the room.
Smooth Our Moods
Men aren't immune to mood swings; we're just more likely to bury them. When we're not acting like ourselves, simply say, "You look wrecked. What's up?" If he starts spilling his soul, resist the urge to coerce him into a dialogue—34 percent of guys only want you to listen.
"Men want women to be sensitive but not intrusive, which is a delicate dance," says Eli Finkel, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University. For a guy, simply telling you about his troubles can be enough, without trying to resolve them.
If that doesn't work, divert our attention. Helping us forget about that overbearing boss or obnoxious friend is the preferred coping mechanism for 32 percent of Men's Health guys, according to our survey.
Reinvent Foreplay
Slow-burning sex isn't better only for you. "Longer foreplay helps men synchronize with their partners, giving them confidence and, as a result, better control over ejaculation," says Seth Prosterman, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist in San Francisco.
Perhaps this will shock you, but foreplay is important to us, too. More than 75 percent of our guys say they want foreplay to last 15 minutes or more, which ought to please the 84 percent of women who agree.
Here's how to warm him up and clue him in. Start the seduction on a sweet note, with your man on top. Guide his hands, stroking his palm the way you'd like to be touched. Your magic phrase? "Like this." That's all—he'll get the point. Slip one hand down the back of his shorts, just below the waistline, and pull his pelvis toward you, showing him the motion that turns you on. Don't forget your line: "Like this."
Next, switch positions—you on top. Slowly kiss him along his neck and collarbone. Linger by his belt line, looking up at him as you kiss his abdomen. Repeat your refrain, and work your way back up to his lips. Switch positions again, and repeat.
Know What Really Turns Him On
New positions are nice. Experimentation with toys or lotions can be fun, or at least interesting. But what turns men on most in bed, according to 39 percent of the guys we surveyed, is your unbridled enthusiasm (followed by confidence, at 35 percent, and creativity, at 17 percent).
"It's a turn-on to know we're pleasing you," says Dr. Goldberg. "If the experience is more interactive, it makes all the difference." Perhaps that's why 87 percent of men say "just lying there" is a serious turnoff, and 57 percent of men say that silence is a sexual downer.
So let him know what he's doing right. Grip the sheets. Beg. Plead. Demand. Make it less like a handshake and more like an earthquake (as long as you're actually feeling it). "All great sexual encounters deliver that sense of validation that you really have something special," says Prosterman.
In fact, your over-the-top passion can help a man feel closer to you emotionally—something more than a third of our guys singled out as the most important part of unforgettable sex.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
creep..
This post is being co-brought to you by the guy with the cut-off flannel shirt at Benton Station on Saturday and Bling H2O, which is a bottle of water that costs $2,600..
right out of of gate, i'm going to talk about girls. a recent conversation with my sister/best friend, Nikki ended with her telling me, "you have the worst luck with girls." do i necessarily think that "nice guys finish last" stuff that you always hear? no. but i do think girls go through phases where the bad guy is attractive because it's a challenge. i try to look at it in more of a "save the best for last" thing. and if good things come to those who wait, i must be getting something amazing because i've waited a long time. the reason i have bad luck with girls probably has a large part to do with me and my mindset. for example, in recent years, girls that i have liked and they liked me (in other words, i've had sex with them) have ended up a) having a crush on my roommate at the time or b) still having feelings for her ex her verbally abused her on a consistent basis. it's hard to trust someone when everyone you've ever opened your heart to has let you down. so, those things, along with my anxiety (i know people probably get sick of hearing about that, but it truly affects my mindset with girls) cause me to not pursue girls for fear of rejection. i'm in the terrible spot of having super high standards but super low self-esteem, so if i like a girl, i think there's no chance she likes me back. so in the rare cases where a girl shows interest in me, i tend to be all in because a) i want to make sure she knows how i feel and b) i never know when that situation is going to come around again. i know it's unattractive to have low self-esteem, and it's something i'm definitely working on. i'm trying to be more outgoing with girls and telling them what i want or the things i like about them. it's always a fine line between telling someone the truth and them thinking you're kissing their ass to only sleep with them. i've never been like that. if you knew how inexperienced i was sexually, you'd laugh at me (it's happened). i mean, you'd think that in 27 years, 10 months and 324 days that i'd at least take a wrong turn into a blow job at some point, right? (sorry Nikki). sometimes i wish i could be more like other guys and sleep with random girls but 99.9% of the time i like that i'm picky. i know i don't have any diseases or kids in Massachusetts or anything, that's comforting.
Here is a list of traits of people with anxiety:
-Extremely analytical
-Emotionally sensitive
-Over reacts
-Sensitive to criticism
-Low self-image
-Need to appear in control at all times
-Obsessive thinking
-Inner nervousness
-High expectations
-Worrier
-Hypochondriac
-Sensitive to negative stimuli
-Often, never feels “good enough”
-Easily hurt
-Prone to guilt
-Tend to be a pleaser
-Avoids conflict
-Overly concerned about others opinions of you
-The mind races too fast
-A great need for approval
-Excessive Fear of failure
-Excessive Fear of health issues
-Work very hard to appear together
-Second guessing yourself
-Worry about being embarrassed
Every one of those traits fits me. Of course, a lot of them are negatives but in a way they can be positives too. i think most people with anxiety make great employees, managers, spouses, parents, lovers, etc. because they're people pleasers and they try hard to make others feel better. but when you're trying to be "good enough" for someone else, and you have high standards already, it's crippling. when you have low self-esteem, you don't believe in yourself. you're insecure and you almost never feel worthy. you don't like the way you look, you're uncomfortable in social situations. quiet time scares you because you obsess about your lack. how can you expect someone else to like you if you barely like yourself?
i think i want the same things in a girl that most guys do, just to the extreme. i love confidence, intelligence, a fun personality. a positive outlook is a must, i hate when people are always negative and look at the worst in situations. so you get a flat tire in the rain, big deal. that's life. make light of the situation and you'll be in a better mood. trustworthy people are so hard to find these days, if you find one, hold the hell onto them. if you have someone who has your back through everything, you can make it through anything, i truly believe that.
i'm a romantic. i'm the kind of guy who will text or call in the middle of the day to tell you i'm thinking of you. or i saw/heard something that reminded me of you. i smile when i get a text from the gal i'm crushing on. i want to make her feel special because she's with me. this scenario plays out in my head, but the coolest girl ever is the kind who texts you to come fuck her on your lunch break but then later in the night, she has to be all professional for something. someone that can play every role well. i'm not asking for a lot, am i??
just a recent example of how my mind works so much differently: a few months ago, i was invited to go to the Cities to the Toby Keith bar, right up my alley because i love country music. it was the first time i'd been there. on my drive down to my friend Ryan's house, i was in a Facebook message conversation with a girl that i had only seen in person a few times but had been crushing on based only on her status updates and pictures (lame, i know). but i think i'm a good people-reader (my past with girls notwithstanding). i could tell she was a good person, funny, cute personality and she's fucking hot. now, nothing should have led me to believe that this girl liked me in any way, but the entire time in this bar, i was checking my phone to see if she sent me anything. i even got called out on it by one of Ryan's friends, who told me that there were hot girls "looking" at me (whatever) and that i needed to be less involved with my phone. he shut up quickly when i showed him a picture of the girl i was chatting with. actually, he shook my hand. other guys, who are probably smarter than me, would have put the phone away and tried to hook up with random boombalotties. but i get one girl in my head, and until i find a reason to make her leave, that's how it stays.
my mom keeps hounding me about finding a girl too, which doesn't help. i'd love to bring a girl to holidays with our family. both of my brothers are married and have kids, Nikki has had a boyfriend for 4+ years and they just bought a dog together, so they're basically married :) sometimes it bugs me at holiday things that i don't have that significant other to buy things for or to share moments like that with. recently, my mom spent some time in the hospital due to complications from emphysema and COPD. she was only there 5 days, but the first couple were scary for me. she went in on a Saturday, so i went to see her in the emergency room and she was hooked up to oxygen and just looked exhausted doing nothing. she walked to the bathroom without oxygen and came back completely unable to breath. it's situations like that when i wish i had someone to call and talk to or share my concerns with without fear of being judged or laughed at. of course i had my brothers and sister and dad, but it's just different, right? that night, i left the hospital, tears started the second i said goodbye to her. when i got to my car, i bawled for 5 minutes because i didn't know for sure if everything was going to be okay. luckily, she's back to normal now, but how much easier are situations like that with someone to fall back on?
the moral of the story? i have no idea...
if you read, or even if you don't, read "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. i'm not super religious, i believe in God and i pray every night, but this book was incredible. i don't want to ruin anything, it's a true story. the author is a pastor and his 3-year-old son suddenly becomes ill. the doctors misdiagnose him for a few days, eventually finding out his appendix has ruptured. by this time, there's very little hope of survival. during the boys surgery, his father finds a secluded room in the hospital and yells at God, "how can you do this to me?!", this and that. eventually the boy makes a recovery, and over the next few months tells stories about what he saw in Heaven for 3 minutes. absolutely incredible stuff, will move you.
my favorite part of "Swamp People" on History Channel is that they have subtitles for everyone, even though they're all speaking English.
i've been in Walmart quite a bit lately, here's something i've noticed: parents having 13 children running all over the store and they're screaming swear words at all of them. i want to bring them to the condom aisle and tell them to stop having fucking kids.
"hey, did you get my last text?" - ugly people
can you guys keep a secret? i'm a good dancer..
why do fat guys wear shirts when they go swimming? we know you're fat.
the favorite text i've received since the last time i've wrote?: "you're intelligent, attractive, funny and sweet... plus i'm a good people reader... i think you have great potential for what i'm looking for :)"
second favorite: "i like everything about you Dan ;)"
third favorite: "my friend seen me smiling at my phone and goes 'you're talking to a boy!' Lol. it's a kool-aid smile ;)"
"it took me an hour and a half but eventually i got him to come." - my sister's boyfriend talking about turkey hunting yesterday. perfect "that's what she said"..
there's no way to put a positive spin on me eating the leftover Halloween candy i just found in my desk at work at 9:17 p.m. on May 16th.
girls who wear cowboy hats immediately become 3 million times sexier. send me all your cowboy hat pictures. wear one of those white stretchy tank top things. and a smirk.
the biting of lips is always a good sign that someone likes something you've done sexually. i HAVE actually seen this.
received this compliment today: "your stream of consciousness is amazing". my stream of unconsciousness is even better (read: i like naps).
whenever i reach in my pants and find extra money that i didn't know about, i remember that girls can reach in their pants and find a vagina. then i get depressed and buy candy.
recently had this text conversation with a friend:
Him: "_______ texted me this morning, said she wanted to give me something. it was sex :)"
Me: "fuck you"
drinking is less fun as i get older. at work, i hear a lot of stories about college kids going out and spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol and i'm so glad i'm out of that phase. i never really was in that phase (still have not puked from drinking, to this day) but i used to enjoy going downtown and getting a little crazy. at this point, i'd much rather spend time sober or drinking casually with people i enjoy being around in a relaxed setting. and watch "Wheel of Fortune" before our shuffleboard tournament.
As of this afternoon, God's Facebook page had 2,120,373 "likes". Kim Kardashian's had 5,235,921 "likes". not impressed.
is Avril Lavigne still alive?
if i'm in a traffic jam, i say things like "there better be a fiery crash up ahead or i'll be pissed."
anyone else get nervous when you're told "this call may be recorded for training purposes?"
last Friday, I got hit on by an elderly lady at the gas station close to work. i stop every morning at the Holiday station on Hwy. 15 to get coffee. on my way out, and her way in, i hear "hey cutie!" i turn to look, and this elderly woman is pointing at me with a big smile on her face. i smiled and said "hi!" and she said "you're cute!".. then she took out her dentures and we made out.
my favorite lyrics of any song, the end of "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional:
Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.
Men's Health Tips
"15 Reasons She Has Sex With You"
Remember when you first discovered sex? In your 6-year-old mind, your parents had done the dirty twice—once to conceive you, and a second time to crank out your little sister. Then, around the 6th grade, you realized that propagation is only a small part of sex. In fact, it’s just one of 237 reasons humans hook up, according to a recent University of Texas study. Although you don’t need a white coat to explain why you love sex, her motivations for sealing the deal often seem rather . . . mysterious. Fortunately for you, the researchers surveyed hundreds of women to pull back the sheet on sex. Here are the top 15 reasons she sleeps with you, and how to, ahem, encourage her along.
1. You're a Good Kisser.
Your move: So what if you're not a hormonal 16-year-old. You're never too old for a steamy makeout session—in fact, a well-executed kiss could be your golden ticket to the main event. According to a recent study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology, women are far less likely than men to have sex with a bad kisser. Sounds easy enough, right? Not so fast, cowboy—her definition of a stellar smooch may differ from yours. The researchers found that guys preferred wetter kisses with more tongue action than females did. Here's what turns her crank: A partner who makes the first move, smells fresh, and caresses her while kissing. Oh, and pop in a breath mint. Women rated the taste of someone's mouth as more important when deciding to continue kissing than men did.
2. It Seems Like the Natural Next Step in the Relationship.
Your move: You’ve wined her, dined her, and wooed her, but still, no sex. The missing link? Commitment—it's key to sexual motivation in women of all ages, according to a recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Don't panic: It doesn't necessarily require a ring. Research has repeatedly shown that making personal disclosures signals investment in a relationship. In other words, sharing intimate details shows you're emotionally in it for the long haul, encouraging her to move forward physically.
3. You Caress Her.
Your move: Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second, scientists report in the journal Nature Neuroscience. These “C-tactile” nerve fibers (also found on the legs and face) send signals to the limbic system, an area of the brain associated with trust and affection, says study author Hakan Olausson, M.D.
4. You Make Her Feel Sexy.
Your move: Establish your compliments safety zone. "Listen to the things she says about herself. Watch the way she reacts when you touch certain areas," says Chris Fariello, Ph.D, of the Council for Relationships. This clues you in to the body parts she's insecure about—and lets you know where to tread lightly. "You may give a compliment, but she can turn it around and hear a negative," he says. "If she's self-conscious about her butt, and you say, 'You have a great, round butt,' she hears fat, not great." When it comes to her sensitive spots, stick to universal compliments like, "Your butt looks great in those jeans."
5. She's in a Romantic Setting.
Your move: You know the old cliché: Whisk her away to an exotic location, and you're sure to score. That’s probably true, but not for the reasons you may think. It’s less the destination, and more the shared intimacy of "otherness"—or of being outsiders—that sets the mood, according to a 2005 study in the journal Tourism Management. Book a trip for two to a foreign country, and prearrange a tour guided by a local, which creates a greater sense of intimacy and disclosure, the scientists say.
6. Your Physical Appearance Turns Her On.
Your move: Meatheads may rule your gym, but in reality, women prefer muscle definition over muscle mass, according to a recent UCLA study. When 141 women evaluated photos of shirtless men, they ranked lean, athletic-looking bodies as more desirable than both bulky and skinny types. Study author David Frederick, Ph.D., says that women perceive men with big muscles as threatening and also know that it takes time to build all that brawn—time you might not spend with them. "They're looking for signs of not only health and fitness but also a potential commitment," he says.
7. She Wants to Feel Emotionally Close or Connected.
Your move: Start foreplay outside the bedroom—by raving about the free donuts at the office this morning. Sharing upbeat details about your day strengthens a relationship, say researchers at the University of Utah. Talking and listening “helps maintain emotional intimacy,” explains study co-author Angela Hicks, Ph.D. The study also found that venting about stressful incidents didn’t dampen a partner’s mood.
8. She Wants to Please You.
Your move: If you’re striving for the Big O, start with the Big C: communication. "She may not have the sexual confidence to take charge," says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. "You need to let her know what turns you on." In a recent Boston College study, people indicated that talking about sexual behavior—sharing fantasies, turn-ons, and sexual dislikes, for example—resulted in both better sex and greater desire. Candidly chatting about sex helps her feel close to you, while also boosting her confidence in pleasuring you, the scientists say. The key: Initiate the talk outside the bedroom—79 percent of "unsatisfying" sexual conversations occurred between the sheets, the study reports.
9. She's Caught Up in the Heat of the Moment.
Your move: Even if she rolls over, it's not too late to heat things up. Sidle up and spoon her (without poking anything into her back)—cuddling causes her testosterone to surge, a recent Canadian study found. Increased T levels may cause androgen receptors in her clitoris to switch on, leading to arousal, the scientists say. Bonus: Women feel more sexually attractive the morning after cuddling, the study found. Steamy shower sex, anyone?
10. She Realizes She's in Love with You.
Your move: A big business deal going down in Tokyo? Don't hesitate to raise your hand for the job. Turns out, the old adage is true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. A recent American Psychological Association study found that during travel-related separation, homebound partners’ positive feelings—closeness, meaningfulness, and mutual appreciation—declined, but then surged to an all-time high upon reunion. Just make sure to call while you’re away: Greater telephone contact during separation was key to minimizing negative feelings once the traveling partner returned.
11. She Thinks It's Fun.
Your move: First, show her how fun you can be outside the bedroom. A recent study in The Journal of Psychology found that women were 25 percent more likely to consider a man attractive if he had a good sense of humor, and were 31 percent more likely to consider him a suitable mate. Try exchanging naughty jokes via email while you're apart—this adds an element of fun to your all-day foreplay.
12. She Needs Release or Feels Horny.
Your move: Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal," says Joanne Cantor, Ph.D., a professor emerita of communications at the University of Wisconsin, who studies the ways people are affected by media. After the movie, she may find your glances more erotically charged and your touches more stimulating, she says. If your date isn't into over-the-top terror, à la Saw VI, watch classic thrillers instead, like The Silence of the Lambs.
13. She Wants to Express Her Love or Affection.
Your move: Forget the elliptical, and ask her to hit the weights with you. A new University of Connecticut study found that resistance training increases free testosterone levels in women—a spike that also occurs when she’s head over heels. In a 2003 study, Italian researchers found that women who had recently fallen in love had testosterone levels twice that of non-smitten women, while a Canadian study found that women's testosterone also rises before intercourse. After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: "Male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does," says Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain. "So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."
14. She Wants to Experience Pleasure.
Your move: Give her a massage to trigger blood flow down below—in her feet, that is. Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.
15. She's Attracted to You.
Your move: If you hope to take her home, you better play nice—tough guys don't wow women, a recent study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found. When researchers presented women with scenarios of men being harassed or insulted by other men, they preferred the guys that detached themselves from trouble. Someone spill your drink at the bar? Clean up, walk away, and slowly smile at her as you pass. Guys who let a smile spread across their face were rated as more attractive and trustworthy than those who flashed a grin, according to a 2007 British study. "Women see this subtle delay as being more genuine," says study author Eva Krumhuber, Ph.D. To reinforce that perception, tilt your head slightly sideways when you smile, a move that tells her you're caring, not conceited.
"10 New Places to Have Sex"
If men weren't great explorers, we never would have found America, the Rockies, or scrambled porn on channel 99. So why should our entire sex life always take place in the same spot? Here's our list of the best places to fool around.
1. On The Washer.
Your washing machine produces more vibration than any other appliance in your home. When your butt's on the lid, the motion is transmitted through your pelvis, essentially turning your member into a life-size vibrator.
2. In The Vault.
To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdraw.
3. At Victoria's Secret.
The best dressing rooms for sex are at Victoria's Secret. Sometimes they have love seats in there. Ask the saleswoman if you can go in to make sure you like what your girlfriend is trying on.
4. In a Beanbag Chair.
You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in ways you're not accustomed to. Doggy-style sex works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (the chair, not you).
5. During Christmas at the In-Law's.
Bring the kids' gifts—wrapped, but in a bag. Say you haven't wrapped them yet and duck into a spare room.
6. A '57 Chevy.
That's our nostalgic choice. For more practical men, it's the Ford Excursion, which measures a romp-friendly 227 inches long. As one salesman put it, "It'll hold 36 sheets of half-inch plywood between the wheel wells." Which is one way of thinking of it.
7. A Large Swiss Ball.
The ball can actually help improve your depth of penetration, if you're in the right position. Sit on the ball and have her straddle you, facing away from you. Hold her hips for balance, and use the rocking motion of the ball to thrust in and out of her from behind. Do one set of at least 50 repetitions.
8. A National Park.
If the missus likes to vocalize, pitch your tent in Alaska's Denali National Park, where 6 million untamed acres and a crowd-thinning permit system leave little risk of waking the neighbors. She'll gasp in delight when the midnight sun bathes the Big One (that's Mt. McKinley, buddy) in salmon pink light.
9. The Elevator.
Try a freight elevator. It won't have an alarm, and you can stop it between floors for more privacy. Try this when you and your partner are helping a buddy move into a new apartment. Pack the front and sides of the elevator with boxes; leave the middle clear.
10. The Garage.
At a friend's party, offer to fetch some more beer, then slip out the garage door. Nobody will think anything of you being away for 20 minutes, and you can always hide behind the car if you hear someone coming.
"The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman"
1. "Good morning."
2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"
3. "I can't stop touching you."
4. "Want to join me in the shower?"
5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."
6. "I love how you taste."
7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)
8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."
9. Her name—her full name—followed by a "Wow."
10. "I'll get the light."
11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."
12. "No one's ever done that before."
13. "Can we do that again?"
14. "I love your [fill in body part here]."
15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.
16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."
17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"
18. "I'll go make coffee."
19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."
20. "Let's play hooky today."
21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."
22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."
23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.
24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.
25. "I'm ready to go again."
26. Damn, I've missed you."
27. "How about a massage?"
28. Playful laughter.
29. "Don't ever leave me."
30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."
right out of of gate, i'm going to talk about girls. a recent conversation with my sister/best friend, Nikki ended with her telling me, "you have the worst luck with girls." do i necessarily think that "nice guys finish last" stuff that you always hear? no. but i do think girls go through phases where the bad guy is attractive because it's a challenge. i try to look at it in more of a "save the best for last" thing. and if good things come to those who wait, i must be getting something amazing because i've waited a long time. the reason i have bad luck with girls probably has a large part to do with me and my mindset. for example, in recent years, girls that i have liked and they liked me (in other words, i've had sex with them) have ended up a) having a crush on my roommate at the time or b) still having feelings for her ex her verbally abused her on a consistent basis. it's hard to trust someone when everyone you've ever opened your heart to has let you down. so, those things, along with my anxiety (i know people probably get sick of hearing about that, but it truly affects my mindset with girls) cause me to not pursue girls for fear of rejection. i'm in the terrible spot of having super high standards but super low self-esteem, so if i like a girl, i think there's no chance she likes me back. so in the rare cases where a girl shows interest in me, i tend to be all in because a) i want to make sure she knows how i feel and b) i never know when that situation is going to come around again. i know it's unattractive to have low self-esteem, and it's something i'm definitely working on. i'm trying to be more outgoing with girls and telling them what i want or the things i like about them. it's always a fine line between telling someone the truth and them thinking you're kissing their ass to only sleep with them. i've never been like that. if you knew how inexperienced i was sexually, you'd laugh at me (it's happened). i mean, you'd think that in 27 years, 10 months and 324 days that i'd at least take a wrong turn into a blow job at some point, right? (sorry Nikki). sometimes i wish i could be more like other guys and sleep with random girls but 99.9% of the time i like that i'm picky. i know i don't have any diseases or kids in Massachusetts or anything, that's comforting.
Here is a list of traits of people with anxiety:
-Extremely analytical
-Emotionally sensitive
-Over reacts
-Sensitive to criticism
-Low self-image
-Need to appear in control at all times
-Obsessive thinking
-Inner nervousness
-High expectations
-Worrier
-Hypochondriac
-Sensitive to negative stimuli
-Often, never feels “good enough”
-Easily hurt
-Prone to guilt
-Tend to be a pleaser
-Avoids conflict
-Overly concerned about others opinions of you
-The mind races too fast
-A great need for approval
-Excessive Fear of failure
-Excessive Fear of health issues
-Work very hard to appear together
-Second guessing yourself
-Worry about being embarrassed
Every one of those traits fits me. Of course, a lot of them are negatives but in a way they can be positives too. i think most people with anxiety make great employees, managers, spouses, parents, lovers, etc. because they're people pleasers and they try hard to make others feel better. but when you're trying to be "good enough" for someone else, and you have high standards already, it's crippling. when you have low self-esteem, you don't believe in yourself. you're insecure and you almost never feel worthy. you don't like the way you look, you're uncomfortable in social situations. quiet time scares you because you obsess about your lack. how can you expect someone else to like you if you barely like yourself?
i think i want the same things in a girl that most guys do, just to the extreme. i love confidence, intelligence, a fun personality. a positive outlook is a must, i hate when people are always negative and look at the worst in situations. so you get a flat tire in the rain, big deal. that's life. make light of the situation and you'll be in a better mood. trustworthy people are so hard to find these days, if you find one, hold the hell onto them. if you have someone who has your back through everything, you can make it through anything, i truly believe that.
i'm a romantic. i'm the kind of guy who will text or call in the middle of the day to tell you i'm thinking of you. or i saw/heard something that reminded me of you. i smile when i get a text from the gal i'm crushing on. i want to make her feel special because she's with me. this scenario plays out in my head, but the coolest girl ever is the kind who texts you to come fuck her on your lunch break but then later in the night, she has to be all professional for something. someone that can play every role well. i'm not asking for a lot, am i??
just a recent example of how my mind works so much differently: a few months ago, i was invited to go to the Cities to the Toby Keith bar, right up my alley because i love country music. it was the first time i'd been there. on my drive down to my friend Ryan's house, i was in a Facebook message conversation with a girl that i had only seen in person a few times but had been crushing on based only on her status updates and pictures (lame, i know). but i think i'm a good people-reader (my past with girls notwithstanding). i could tell she was a good person, funny, cute personality and she's fucking hot. now, nothing should have led me to believe that this girl liked me in any way, but the entire time in this bar, i was checking my phone to see if she sent me anything. i even got called out on it by one of Ryan's friends, who told me that there were hot girls "looking" at me (whatever) and that i needed to be less involved with my phone. he shut up quickly when i showed him a picture of the girl i was chatting with. actually, he shook my hand. other guys, who are probably smarter than me, would have put the phone away and tried to hook up with random boombalotties. but i get one girl in my head, and until i find a reason to make her leave, that's how it stays.
my mom keeps hounding me about finding a girl too, which doesn't help. i'd love to bring a girl to holidays with our family. both of my brothers are married and have kids, Nikki has had a boyfriend for 4+ years and they just bought a dog together, so they're basically married :) sometimes it bugs me at holiday things that i don't have that significant other to buy things for or to share moments like that with. recently, my mom spent some time in the hospital due to complications from emphysema and COPD. she was only there 5 days, but the first couple were scary for me. she went in on a Saturday, so i went to see her in the emergency room and she was hooked up to oxygen and just looked exhausted doing nothing. she walked to the bathroom without oxygen and came back completely unable to breath. it's situations like that when i wish i had someone to call and talk to or share my concerns with without fear of being judged or laughed at. of course i had my brothers and sister and dad, but it's just different, right? that night, i left the hospital, tears started the second i said goodbye to her. when i got to my car, i bawled for 5 minutes because i didn't know for sure if everything was going to be okay. luckily, she's back to normal now, but how much easier are situations like that with someone to fall back on?
the moral of the story? i have no idea...
if you read, or even if you don't, read "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. i'm not super religious, i believe in God and i pray every night, but this book was incredible. i don't want to ruin anything, it's a true story. the author is a pastor and his 3-year-old son suddenly becomes ill. the doctors misdiagnose him for a few days, eventually finding out his appendix has ruptured. by this time, there's very little hope of survival. during the boys surgery, his father finds a secluded room in the hospital and yells at God, "how can you do this to me?!", this and that. eventually the boy makes a recovery, and over the next few months tells stories about what he saw in Heaven for 3 minutes. absolutely incredible stuff, will move you.
my favorite part of "Swamp People" on History Channel is that they have subtitles for everyone, even though they're all speaking English.
i've been in Walmart quite a bit lately, here's something i've noticed: parents having 13 children running all over the store and they're screaming swear words at all of them. i want to bring them to the condom aisle and tell them to stop having fucking kids.
"hey, did you get my last text?" - ugly people
can you guys keep a secret? i'm a good dancer..
why do fat guys wear shirts when they go swimming? we know you're fat.
the favorite text i've received since the last time i've wrote?: "you're intelligent, attractive, funny and sweet... plus i'm a good people reader... i think you have great potential for what i'm looking for :)"
second favorite: "i like everything about you Dan ;)"
third favorite: "my friend seen me smiling at my phone and goes 'you're talking to a boy!' Lol. it's a kool-aid smile ;)"
"it took me an hour and a half but eventually i got him to come." - my sister's boyfriend talking about turkey hunting yesterday. perfect "that's what she said"..
there's no way to put a positive spin on me eating the leftover Halloween candy i just found in my desk at work at 9:17 p.m. on May 16th.
girls who wear cowboy hats immediately become 3 million times sexier. send me all your cowboy hat pictures. wear one of those white stretchy tank top things. and a smirk.
the biting of lips is always a good sign that someone likes something you've done sexually. i HAVE actually seen this.
received this compliment today: "your stream of consciousness is amazing". my stream of unconsciousness is even better (read: i like naps).
whenever i reach in my pants and find extra money that i didn't know about, i remember that girls can reach in their pants and find a vagina. then i get depressed and buy candy.
recently had this text conversation with a friend:
Him: "_______ texted me this morning, said she wanted to give me something. it was sex :)"
Me: "fuck you"
drinking is less fun as i get older. at work, i hear a lot of stories about college kids going out and spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol and i'm so glad i'm out of that phase. i never really was in that phase (still have not puked from drinking, to this day) but i used to enjoy going downtown and getting a little crazy. at this point, i'd much rather spend time sober or drinking casually with people i enjoy being around in a relaxed setting. and watch "Wheel of Fortune" before our shuffleboard tournament.
As of this afternoon, God's Facebook page had 2,120,373 "likes". Kim Kardashian's had 5,235,921 "likes". not impressed.
is Avril Lavigne still alive?
if i'm in a traffic jam, i say things like "there better be a fiery crash up ahead or i'll be pissed."
anyone else get nervous when you're told "this call may be recorded for training purposes?"
last Friday, I got hit on by an elderly lady at the gas station close to work. i stop every morning at the Holiday station on Hwy. 15 to get coffee. on my way out, and her way in, i hear "hey cutie!" i turn to look, and this elderly woman is pointing at me with a big smile on her face. i smiled and said "hi!" and she said "you're cute!".. then she took out her dentures and we made out.
my favorite lyrics of any song, the end of "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional:
Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.
Men's Health Tips
"15 Reasons She Has Sex With You"
Remember when you first discovered sex? In your 6-year-old mind, your parents had done the dirty twice—once to conceive you, and a second time to crank out your little sister. Then, around the 6th grade, you realized that propagation is only a small part of sex. In fact, it’s just one of 237 reasons humans hook up, according to a recent University of Texas study. Although you don’t need a white coat to explain why you love sex, her motivations for sealing the deal often seem rather . . . mysterious. Fortunately for you, the researchers surveyed hundreds of women to pull back the sheet on sex. Here are the top 15 reasons she sleeps with you, and how to, ahem, encourage her along.
1. You're a Good Kisser.
Your move: So what if you're not a hormonal 16-year-old. You're never too old for a steamy makeout session—in fact, a well-executed kiss could be your golden ticket to the main event. According to a recent study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology, women are far less likely than men to have sex with a bad kisser. Sounds easy enough, right? Not so fast, cowboy—her definition of a stellar smooch may differ from yours. The researchers found that guys preferred wetter kisses with more tongue action than females did. Here's what turns her crank: A partner who makes the first move, smells fresh, and caresses her while kissing. Oh, and pop in a breath mint. Women rated the taste of someone's mouth as more important when deciding to continue kissing than men did.
2. It Seems Like the Natural Next Step in the Relationship.
Your move: You’ve wined her, dined her, and wooed her, but still, no sex. The missing link? Commitment—it's key to sexual motivation in women of all ages, according to a recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Don't panic: It doesn't necessarily require a ring. Research has repeatedly shown that making personal disclosures signals investment in a relationship. In other words, sharing intimate details shows you're emotionally in it for the long haul, encouraging her to move forward physically.
3. You Caress Her.
Your move: Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second, scientists report in the journal Nature Neuroscience. These “C-tactile” nerve fibers (also found on the legs and face) send signals to the limbic system, an area of the brain associated with trust and affection, says study author Hakan Olausson, M.D.
4. You Make Her Feel Sexy.
Your move: Establish your compliments safety zone. "Listen to the things she says about herself. Watch the way she reacts when you touch certain areas," says Chris Fariello, Ph.D, of the Council for Relationships. This clues you in to the body parts she's insecure about—and lets you know where to tread lightly. "You may give a compliment, but she can turn it around and hear a negative," he says. "If she's self-conscious about her butt, and you say, 'You have a great, round butt,' she hears fat, not great." When it comes to her sensitive spots, stick to universal compliments like, "Your butt looks great in those jeans."
5. She's in a Romantic Setting.
Your move: You know the old cliché: Whisk her away to an exotic location, and you're sure to score. That’s probably true, but not for the reasons you may think. It’s less the destination, and more the shared intimacy of "otherness"—or of being outsiders—that sets the mood, according to a 2005 study in the journal Tourism Management. Book a trip for two to a foreign country, and prearrange a tour guided by a local, which creates a greater sense of intimacy and disclosure, the scientists say.
6. Your Physical Appearance Turns Her On.
Your move: Meatheads may rule your gym, but in reality, women prefer muscle definition over muscle mass, according to a recent UCLA study. When 141 women evaluated photos of shirtless men, they ranked lean, athletic-looking bodies as more desirable than both bulky and skinny types. Study author David Frederick, Ph.D., says that women perceive men with big muscles as threatening and also know that it takes time to build all that brawn—time you might not spend with them. "They're looking for signs of not only health and fitness but also a potential commitment," he says.
7. She Wants to Feel Emotionally Close or Connected.
Your move: Start foreplay outside the bedroom—by raving about the free donuts at the office this morning. Sharing upbeat details about your day strengthens a relationship, say researchers at the University of Utah. Talking and listening “helps maintain emotional intimacy,” explains study co-author Angela Hicks, Ph.D. The study also found that venting about stressful incidents didn’t dampen a partner’s mood.
8. She Wants to Please You.
Your move: If you’re striving for the Big O, start with the Big C: communication. "She may not have the sexual confidence to take charge," says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. "You need to let her know what turns you on." In a recent Boston College study, people indicated that talking about sexual behavior—sharing fantasies, turn-ons, and sexual dislikes, for example—resulted in both better sex and greater desire. Candidly chatting about sex helps her feel close to you, while also boosting her confidence in pleasuring you, the scientists say. The key: Initiate the talk outside the bedroom—79 percent of "unsatisfying" sexual conversations occurred between the sheets, the study reports.
9. She's Caught Up in the Heat of the Moment.
Your move: Even if she rolls over, it's not too late to heat things up. Sidle up and spoon her (without poking anything into her back)—cuddling causes her testosterone to surge, a recent Canadian study found. Increased T levels may cause androgen receptors in her clitoris to switch on, leading to arousal, the scientists say. Bonus: Women feel more sexually attractive the morning after cuddling, the study found. Steamy shower sex, anyone?
10. She Realizes She's in Love with You.
Your move: A big business deal going down in Tokyo? Don't hesitate to raise your hand for the job. Turns out, the old adage is true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. A recent American Psychological Association study found that during travel-related separation, homebound partners’ positive feelings—closeness, meaningfulness, and mutual appreciation—declined, but then surged to an all-time high upon reunion. Just make sure to call while you’re away: Greater telephone contact during separation was key to minimizing negative feelings once the traveling partner returned.
11. She Thinks It's Fun.
Your move: First, show her how fun you can be outside the bedroom. A recent study in The Journal of Psychology found that women were 25 percent more likely to consider a man attractive if he had a good sense of humor, and were 31 percent more likely to consider him a suitable mate. Try exchanging naughty jokes via email while you're apart—this adds an element of fun to your all-day foreplay.
12. She Needs Release or Feels Horny.
Your move: Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal," says Joanne Cantor, Ph.D., a professor emerita of communications at the University of Wisconsin, who studies the ways people are affected by media. After the movie, she may find your glances more erotically charged and your touches more stimulating, she says. If your date isn't into over-the-top terror, à la Saw VI, watch classic thrillers instead, like The Silence of the Lambs.
13. She Wants to Express Her Love or Affection.
Your move: Forget the elliptical, and ask her to hit the weights with you. A new University of Connecticut study found that resistance training increases free testosterone levels in women—a spike that also occurs when she’s head over heels. In a 2003 study, Italian researchers found that women who had recently fallen in love had testosterone levels twice that of non-smitten women, while a Canadian study found that women's testosterone also rises before intercourse. After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: "Male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does," says Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain. "So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."
14. She Wants to Experience Pleasure.
Your move: Give her a massage to trigger blood flow down below—in her feet, that is. Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.
15. She's Attracted to You.
Your move: If you hope to take her home, you better play nice—tough guys don't wow women, a recent study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found. When researchers presented women with scenarios of men being harassed or insulted by other men, they preferred the guys that detached themselves from trouble. Someone spill your drink at the bar? Clean up, walk away, and slowly smile at her as you pass. Guys who let a smile spread across their face were rated as more attractive and trustworthy than those who flashed a grin, according to a 2007 British study. "Women see this subtle delay as being more genuine," says study author Eva Krumhuber, Ph.D. To reinforce that perception, tilt your head slightly sideways when you smile, a move that tells her you're caring, not conceited.
"10 New Places to Have Sex"
If men weren't great explorers, we never would have found America, the Rockies, or scrambled porn on channel 99. So why should our entire sex life always take place in the same spot? Here's our list of the best places to fool around.
1. On The Washer.
Your washing machine produces more vibration than any other appliance in your home. When your butt's on the lid, the motion is transmitted through your pelvis, essentially turning your member into a life-size vibrator.
2. In The Vault.
To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdraw.
3. At Victoria's Secret.
The best dressing rooms for sex are at Victoria's Secret. Sometimes they have love seats in there. Ask the saleswoman if you can go in to make sure you like what your girlfriend is trying on.
4. In a Beanbag Chair.
You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in ways you're not accustomed to. Doggy-style sex works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (the chair, not you).
5. During Christmas at the In-Law's.
Bring the kids' gifts—wrapped, but in a bag. Say you haven't wrapped them yet and duck into a spare room.
6. A '57 Chevy.
That's our nostalgic choice. For more practical men, it's the Ford Excursion, which measures a romp-friendly 227 inches long. As one salesman put it, "It'll hold 36 sheets of half-inch plywood between the wheel wells." Which is one way of thinking of it.
7. A Large Swiss Ball.
The ball can actually help improve your depth of penetration, if you're in the right position. Sit on the ball and have her straddle you, facing away from you. Hold her hips for balance, and use the rocking motion of the ball to thrust in and out of her from behind. Do one set of at least 50 repetitions.
8. A National Park.
If the missus likes to vocalize, pitch your tent in Alaska's Denali National Park, where 6 million untamed acres and a crowd-thinning permit system leave little risk of waking the neighbors. She'll gasp in delight when the midnight sun bathes the Big One (that's Mt. McKinley, buddy) in salmon pink light.
9. The Elevator.
Try a freight elevator. It won't have an alarm, and you can stop it between floors for more privacy. Try this when you and your partner are helping a buddy move into a new apartment. Pack the front and sides of the elevator with boxes; leave the middle clear.
10. The Garage.
At a friend's party, offer to fetch some more beer, then slip out the garage door. Nobody will think anything of you being away for 20 minutes, and you can always hide behind the car if you hear someone coming.
"The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman"
1. "Good morning."
2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"
3. "I can't stop touching you."
4. "Want to join me in the shower?"
5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."
6. "I love how you taste."
7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)
8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."
9. Her name—her full name—followed by a "Wow."
10. "I'll get the light."
11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."
12. "No one's ever done that before."
13. "Can we do that again?"
14. "I love your [fill in body part here]."
15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.
16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."
17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"
18. "I'll go make coffee."
19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."
20. "Let's play hooky today."
21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."
22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."
23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.
24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.
25. "I'm ready to go again."
26. Damn, I've missed you."
27. "How about a massage?"
28. Playful laughter.
29. "Don't ever leave me."
30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
