sitting, waiting, wishing..

this post is being co-brought to you by athletes with their backs against the wall and giving 110%, and the 13-year-old girl i saw with "Juicy" written on her backside.. good luck with that pregnancy next year..

the worst website on the internet is WebMD.. here's why: you're always dying.. they'll ask for your symptoms, so you put in "headache" or whatever, you're directed to websites about brain cancer.. especially if you're a hypochondriac, this site does no good at all.. i've been convinced that i've had diabetes and lung cancer because of WebMD.. i'll confess that i have a little hypochondria in me, if something feels wrong i immediately think the worst.. it's shitty, and this website doesn't help matters.. i'll probably have ovarian cysts next week.. can't wait..

on the medical topic, i think doctors shouldn't be allowed to be doctors if they act like it's the last place they want to be.. i know they have to see a large amount of patients in a day but if it's that bad, hire more doctors.. more the amount of money it costs (and that doctors get paid), they should be given an adequate amount of time to figure out what's going on.. i've actually been to one doctor where i've said "this is what i feel, what do you think that is?".. he said, "i don't know" with some sort of bored look on his face.. and that was it.. glad all that schooling paid off.. they should be friendly and willing to figure out, i'm sure that's in the job description somewhere.. plus, it's not like they should be in a hurry.. doctors make enough money where they can Tivo "House" or "Grey's Anatomy" or whatever the hell they want to watch..

here's something i do: if i'm wanting to checkout at a store and one line is pretty long with a hot checkout girl and another line is shorter with an unattractive girl, i'm gonna stand in the hot girl line.. i'm fairly sure most guys do this.. it gives me more time to look at her, and more time to come up with something witty to say.. this worked to perfection at the liquor store last weekend.. racked-out blonde chick working one counter helping a customer, two dudes working at other counters with nobody in their lines.. so i stall, looking at wines (classier than looking at vodkas) and then jump into her line.. i ask her whether she likes white or red wines (so money, i don't even know it), she made something up to impress me, and i looked at her butt when she turned to get my change (which i'm sure she knew, with the pants she was wearing).. this is what guys do..

Denard Span just tripled in two runs for the Twins and i clapped.. he's currently my favorite Twin..

a few weeks ago, one of my roommates had a day off work and was watching "The Price Is Right" when i was getting ready for work.. i almost had to call in sick.. it's so addicting.. although, i think the people that they have sitting in the front row are actors.. they get so fired up when someone wins that bidding thing to go play a game.. no one can be that excited for a stranger to meet Drew Carey and have a chance to win a Grandfather clock.. i love when it takes the elderly woman 16 tries to get the wheel around a full time, getting closer to nose-diving every time.. and since she barely gets it around, the one time she does she lands on the $1 spot and gets a chance to win a speedboat and spring break trip to Mexico in the Showcase Showdown.. i've had the theme song stuck in my head every since.. it's not the same since Drew took over for Bob Barker, mainly because every show was a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.. you know he had cameras in the dressing rooms of his "beauties" or whatever the fuck he called them.. i miss Bob..

Dave Letterman asks a good question: has Fabio every done anything since he got hit in the head with that goose while on that roller coaster? or before that?

Robert and i played about 5 hours of Playstation 3 on Saturday night.. first a few games of hockey, then he and i won the Intercontinental Championship with Shawn Michaels.. i told everyone at work this on Monday.. our goal was to make every opponent bleed from the head before we won.. then we went to bed at 3 a.m.. very drunk..

clumsiness is an underrated "cute" trait in girls.. i'm not saying someone who falls down steps on a daily basis and is an absolute train wreck, but a lot of the little things are cute, especially if they can laugh at themselves.. i remember one time being at a movie with a girl who was walking a little bit in front of me.. she turned to looked at me with a flirty smile and rolled her foot out of her shoe.. which, in her defense, were of the platform variety.. maybe it was the flirty look that made it cute, or the fact that she was wearing a skirt, but the fact that i've remembered it this long obviously says something.. some girls can be cute doing absolutely nothing.. those girls are my favorite..

when i start a band, i'm calling it "Accidental Grindage"..

the Twins bullpen just gave up two home runs to give the lead back to Detroit.. other than Joe Nathan, the pitchers in the bullpen are my least favorite players.. now something called "R.A. Dickey" is pitching.. anytime someone with a name sounding like an erectile disease or birthday party clown is pitching, i tend to lose hope for the squads chances.. but i just heard the phrase "Dickey gets the job done" and made an x-rated joke in my head, so i was a little premature (insert your own x-rated joke here)..

i'm happy it's finally warm enough to sleep in my underwear and topless again.. it feels more natural.. also, my pajama pants are still hidden somewhere in the house..

i'm admittedly not very smart politically but i read something recently that made a ton of sense to me.. according to what i read, there are currently 40 million people over age 50 who are working in the United States.. if we gave all of them $1 million, with the stipulations being that they retired and bought a new car with that money, here's what would happen: 40 million jobs would be available, obviously improving unemployment.. 40 million new cars would be sold, obviously helping the automobile industry.. the government would spend only $40 million, rather than the billions of dollars currently being spent to fix the economy.. also, many of these people would probably buy new houses and boats and take a vacation, helping real estate and tourism, etc.. i know most people are smarter than me about stuff like this and would probably have an argument as to why this couldn't ever work, but on the surface to someone as politically inept as i am, this sounds a hell of a lot better than what we're doing now.. (editors note: it was pointed out to me that the person who wrote this plan and myself were a little off with our math.. it wouldn't be $40 million, it would be $40 trillion, which is a slight difference.. that's why this wouldn't work but i'll leave my original opinion for you to enjoy.. it made sense when it browsed it half drunk one night and wrote it last night.. don't believe everything you read on the internet)..


girls, i know sometimes you wonder what you should wear.. here is my fashion advice to you.. girls look hottest wearing:

1) nothing (obviously)
2) a skirt (a recent event moved this higher on my list than previously)
3) anything Victoria's Secret (maybe 1 and 3 aren't for nights out)
4) jeans (especially ones that make your butt look ridiculous)
5) those stretchy white tank top things (i think they're illegal in 32 states)
6) comfy stuff (hooded sweatshirt, no/light makeup, bed hair, etc.)
7) anything i own
8) reading glasses (bonus points if you're reading)
9) anything supporting our favorite sports teams

here's what you shouldn't wear:

1) anything that makes you say the phrase "do i look fat in this?"
2) anything that could be described as "frumpy"

(Jason Kubel just hit a pinch-hit two run bomb to tie the game.. hopefully "R.A. Dickey" is on a plane to Rochester and unavailable to pitch next inning.. or warmup a bat boy or something)..


here are some things i wish girls knew:

- most of the guys i've talked to share this view: we like having space when we fall asleep.. the cuddling thing is fine for a while but when it's time to actually sleep, go your separate ways.. i think most girls feel this way as well, unless the relationship has lasted a long time and you're both used to it.. eventually you'll find your way to each other in the middle of the night anyway..

- if we really like you, we get butterflies when we see you, especially right away..

- when we make fun of our guy friends for talking on the phone with a girl, we're really just jealous..

- being sick turns us into the biggest pussies..

- dirty texts are fucking awesome.. it takes every muscle in our body to stop us from showing all our friends..

- if our friends like you, you're 13 times more attractive to us..

- anytime you turn around, we look at your butt.. Super Bowl, World Series, Final Four, Tiger putting for the win?? they have nothing on your ass..

- a guys night out doesn't consist of ogling hot girls.. it consists of beer, sports, mom jokes, dirty jokes, dirty mom jokes, and thinking about what you're doing..

- almost every song makes us think about you..

- we're scared shitless of meeting your parents.. we're more scared of meeting your friends.. (parents liking us could work against us, friends liking us is absolutely mandatory)..

- you should be more aggressive.. you know what i mean..

- shopping for you is like golf for us.. only tell us about buying your 27th purse if you want to hear about our double bogey on 11.. and the $79.99 we spent on the golf jacket we might wear three times a year..

- umm, those noises you make when we're doing things? we want those to be our ring tone.. and wedding song..

- seeing you get jealous is another one of those "cute" things..

- being skinny isn't as important as caring about your body.. an average-sized girl who works out is 1,000 times hotter than skeleton who just doesn't eat..

- sometimes we'll stay awake intentionally to watch you sleep..

- when you hold/play with babies, you're auditioning to be our future baby mama..

- you knowing about sports? SUPER hot.. you knowing more about sports than us? SUPER depressing..

- if we don't want to talk about something, don't bug us about it.. we'll talk when and if we want to.. guys are more "thinkers" and less "talkers".. nothing against you, we just think we can handle it ourselves, whether we're right or wrong.. however, we like helping you, so ask our opinion..

- if a guy has cheated on you or "isn't sure what he wants", he'll never change and he's waiting for something better.. if you think that's what you deserve, hang around..

- we couldn't care less about your friends relationship problems.. we're busy trying to not piss you off..

- arguing isn't always bad.. always agreeing is..

- you have a mole on your inner thigh.. we could find it blindfolded..

- if a guy hits on you and we see them do it, we're willing to place his beanbag in a vice and tighten it slowly until things pop.. we're also confident the jury would understand..

- reading Men's Health makes us feel healthy.. even if we're doing so while eating an entire bag of Twizzlers..

- if you smile, we can't not smile..

(editor's note: Joe Crede just ended the game with a walkoff grand slam in the 13th inning after being down one run.. i fucking love the Twins)..


Lyrics of the Week

"Anyone, Anyone" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm not sure of
Anyone, Anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking
For everything
But sure I could
Use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone
And I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my turn
And I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from
The corner of my eye
Never really mastered
Disinterest

I can't see how
The way you leave me alone
Makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk
But we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I'm not privy
To what is on your mind
I can't help but feel tired
So tired
So tired


"A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)

But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)


"She's Everything" by Brad Paisley

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowin
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
because she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
My unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah shes everything to me
everything to me


"Pretty Girl (The Way)" by Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love


"Only One" by Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one


"Time To Go" by Jason Fioto

You never meant to stay
You always walk away from everything
And did you stop to see what was going on
You build walls around you every time
You’ve been running round in circles
You’ve been blaming everyone

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know

You went to find yourself
But you never looked behind to see what you left
And did you stop to change the world
What are you looking for
Did you find your pearl
Don’t you think that oh you’re the only one
Who believed in what they said

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know

Now I know what you’re feeling
Tell me that with all your reasons
Too waste tomorrow, it makes it alright
Now don’t look the other
When are you gonna stay
For just one day

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know


"Look Away" by Chicago

When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found,
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else,
I guess I won't be coming 'round.
I guess it's over, baby;
it's really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me;
it'll never be the way it used to be.
So if it's gotta be this way,
don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay.

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers,
we were better off as friends,
that's how it had to be,
yeah, that's how it had to be.
I tell you I'm fine
but sometimes I just pretend;
wish you were holding me,
wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
that I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found.
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."


"Head On Straight" by Tonic

I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I don't wanna be the one who fails
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I struggled all my life with empty moments
The shadow of a hole I never filled
Any happiness I had was empty
It wasn't good enough
I wanted love

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I don't wanna think of life without you
I don't wanna take a step alone
It scares me to think I almost lost you
Just let me know you're fine
I'm on the line

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find the way
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find my way

I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I just wanna know that you're alright

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
You can trust me again
Trust me again

favorite book of poetry..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy at the driving range who yelled obscenities after every swing and the bitch sitting in the driveway of her mansion on the golf course, cheering for runners while wrapped in a blanket and drinking Caribou Coffee..

Friday was a day for a lot of firsts.. for one, i made my first employee cry by "yelling" at her.. it really wasn't that bad but she asks to leave early nearly every day and it was getting old.. so when she told me on Friday that she wanted to leave early, i kinda raised my voice.. then she cried.. then i let her go home because i'm a pussy..

also on Friday, we had our first fire of the summer in our backyard.. it was bittersweet for a few reasons.. one, the Twins were losing 8-3 when we went out so we thought it was over.. eventually i received a text that says "Kubel is my hero", thought it was sarcasm and figured he had struck out a few times.. eventually i learned we had scored 7 run in one inning and Jason Kubel hit a grand slam to give us an 11-9 lead.. i hate missing stuff like that.. another reason why it was bittersweet is that this is the first fire i've enjoyed without the freedom to drink my weight in alcohol.. i was getting up at 6:30 Saturday morning to run in the Earth Day Half Marathon relay and didn't think being hungover was the best way to go about it.. the last reason it was bittersweet is because all the roommates besides me had gals with them (and actually the same gals as last summer, which is shocking).. so they always tell me to get any random, unattractive, slutty girl over but i'd rather sleep in my bed alone than wake up next to something i don't want to wake up to..

i have these unbelievable lounge pants that i wear nearly all winter, especially to bed.. the roommates act like they don't like it because they can "see the outline of my guy parts".. so while i was gone one weekend, they hid them somewhere in the house and it's been about 2 months since they've been in my possession.. i've been told that if i get them back and start wearing them again, Mike is going to walk around the house naked because it's pretty much the same thing.. the pants are so comfortable it might be worth it..

i like when people get in new relationships and start completely ignoring everyone else.. i have/had so many close "friends" that i haven't talked to in forever, which not coincidentally began around the same time they began relationships.. i understand that at the beginning, you're all fired up about the new person and want to hang out with them as much as possible but eventually you're going to want time away from them and all the people who you used to hang out with have given up trying.. one of the main factors in how i feel about a girl is if my friends like her and think she's cool.. and i enjoy impressing a girl's friends and having them tell her how jaw-droppingly awesome i am as well.. plus, a girls hotness factor goes up roughly 13 million points if she's able to hold her own in a crowded room, especially if she doesn't really know anyone.. it shows she's willing to make the effort to get to know your friends and impress them..

got a phone call last week from a girl i used to hang out with.. in fact, it was the girl from a few posts back who i met at a party at our house and then hung out with for a while and then she informed me she liked a roommate of mine.. anyway, i was out "training" for the run when she called so i wasn't able to answer.. when i got home and informed the roommates that she called, they obviously went into boy-mode and tried convincing me that she wanted to have sex with me, although she has a boyfriend.. i never think my luck is that good but she has called and texted me a few times recently so i called her back.. nothing that we discussed made me less confused about how the female brain works..


here's a running diary of my Saturday (times approximate, stories real)..

6:30 a.m.: my alarm goes off.. this upsets me..

6:45 a.m.: my alarm goes off again.. i better wake up.. walk outside to check the weather.. cold, cloudy and hurricane-force winds.. perfect..

6:50 a.m.: to get energy to run 1/4th of a marathon, i eat wheat toast with peanut butter.. then i put on my stretchy shorts to keep the ol' beanbag from bouncing around and minimize chafing..

7:00 a.m.: consider writing my will, since in the past few months i've basically donated $40 a month to the local gym.. figure that's probably too pessimistic..

7:10 a.m.: my sister gets to my house. i immediately ask her if i'm dressed appropriately.. she says no.. i go change.. notice my iPod on my desk but this race forbids them.. i don't grab it..

7:15 a.m.: my brother and his wife get to my house.. the boys are one team and the girls are another.. we're appropriately named "The Slow Guys"..

7:30 a.m.: we park at Halenbeck Hall.. notice all the people that look to be in tremendous shape, i immediately regret the fondness for raspberry Bismark doughnuts i've developed in the past month.. two people are jogging TO the race.. probably from Duluth.. cool..

7:40-8:15 a.m.: stretching and looking for people i might be able to outrun over a long distance with little success.. most people are running a half marathon by themselves.. F that S.. also notice that 97% of people are wearing iPods.. wonder if i should tattle on them..

8:20 a.m.: see someone i graduated high school with and ran in last years Grandma's marathon.. jokingly offer him running tips..

8:30 a.m.: my brother and his wife are running the first leg of our relay so they line up with 1,400 other people at the starting line.. some guy is wearing a tight orange shirt that covers his nipples and nothing lower than that.. i stare impolitely.. and they're off..

8:35 a.m.: my sister and i go into Halenbeck Hall to warm up and watch some volleyball tournament that's going on.. they continue to serve into the net and most of them are fat.. i quickly lose interest..

9:00 a.m.: we still have no idea where the second leg of the relay begins.. might be a good time to figure that out..

9:10 a.m.: we find out it's a mile away.. we reluctantly start running..

9:20 a.m.: arrive to where we need to be.. realize that i dropped my Vaseline Lip Therapy.. nearly have panic attack.. look back to see it's about 20 feet away and being trampled by runners.. i rescue it..

9:30 a.m.: see my brother coming, must have left his wife in the dust.. classy move.. i hand him my sweatshirt and begin my long suicide..

9:35 a.m.: the two women running by me are having a serious conversation.. maybe that should have been done on the ride in..

9:40 a.m.: feel my right calf cramping up.. good, i was hoping this would happen..

9:50 a.m.: come to what i considered the tallest mountain in Minnesota.. if i see a hot tub anywhere along this route, i'm immediately quitting and asking the homeowners permission to use it..

10:00 a.m.: my sister catches up to me and talks trash..

10:00-10:20 a.m.: i struggle to keep up with her.. she tells me that the first leg was 6 miles and the second leg is 7 miles.. i promise myself to not buy her a Christmas gift this year..

10:25 a.m.: see another large mountain we have to climb.. "fuck this" i say..

10:35 a.m.: in the last mile.. my legs are seriously starting to give out.. i remember seeing video of marathon runners who have adequately trained coming to the finish line but the cramping in their legs being so bad that they can't even stand.. reassuring.. notice my sister holding her side and ask if she's okay.. she tells us later that her sideache was so bad it felt like her intestines were in a knot.. running is fun..

10:40 a.m.: cross the finish line at same time as my sister.. they give us medals and water.. my knees feel like all the cartilage has worn out of them.. Ryan (the guy from the bar story a few posts ago) was there watching his girlfriend and comes up to me.. i want to meet her but he doesn't know where she is..

11:00 a.m.: we go eat at Old Chicago.. my brother notices my shoes and asks if i ran in basketball shoes.. i said "yeah, they're the only ones i have".. evidently basketball shoes are like running with cement blocks tied to your feet and wearing running shoes is like running on clouds.. good thing to find out after running the longest distance of my life.. we reminisce about the time we all went to see "The Grinch" in the movie theater and he spilled a large Coke on his lap just as he sat down.. nothing like Coke in the crotch for 2 hours..

12:00 p.m.: get dropped off at my house to shower and change.. probably too early for a beer..

12:45 p.m.: get out to my parents house to hang out with the family.. my 3-year-old niece immediately tells me i'm weird for not eating macaroni and cheese..

1:30-4:00 p.m.: go golfing with my brother.. i play better than expected with every muscle screaming at me.. the first three holes he hits three perfect drives and we can't find the ball.. notice a man-eating muskrat or beaver or something swimming in the river.. "aren't those things mean?" i ask.. "well they're not going to chase you, but i wouldn't go pet it" he says..

4:30 p.m.: i tell my niece i'll give her a dollar if she gives me a backrub.. she touches my back for 20 seconds and tells me she's exhausted.. cutest ever.. i ask her what she's going to buy with the dollar.. "a motorcycle" she says..

5:30 p.m.: barbecue chicken pizza is amazing.. begin thinking that i might be close to not hating mushrooms.. sad day..

6:00-8:00 p.m.: watch the Twins game.. the throwback uni's they wear on Saturday's this year are awesome.. they're from 1982, the first year of the Metrodome.. i wish they'd wear the powder blues on the road like they did back then.. these are much better than their current ones..

8:00 p.m.: get ready to go to the Side for a few drinks with my sister, brother and his wife.. we're all exhausted so we don't want to get too crazy.. my brother and i both ask our sister if what we're wearing looks okay.. i get told that i can't wear shorts because i don't have sandals..

8:30 p.m.: arrive at the Side.. we get drinks and go to a table in the back..

8:45 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.: i try Amstel Light and actually enjoy it.. we discuss the normal topics (why i don't have a girlfriend).. also brainstorm on possible names for a band that my brother might form.. some classics are discussed.. we decide that my suggestion of "Swamp Ass" is the early favorite..

10:30 p.m.: the rest of the family is throwing in the towel.. Ryan has showed up and tells me i can't go to bed at 11:00.. i agree.. my car is at my parents so i ask him if we'll come back tonight.. he says "yeah, probably".. i know he's lying but i also know he has baseball practice in the morning so i'll get home eventually.. we go to the Carpet..

11:00 p.m.: get to the Carpet.. both of us win $40 on the ATM game.. good sign..

11:10 p.m.: we get drinks and sit at a table while he figures out where his girlfriend is.. i notice a heated argument between some hot chick and douchebag.. it's fun to watch those.. eventually while he's spewing drunk nonsense at her, she makes eye contact with me and smirks slightly.. i excitedly tell Ryan.. he says that she keeps looking over at me afterwards.. "i'm going to make out with her later" i tell him..

11:15 p.m.: Ryan tells me that when he gets bored at work, he goes back and reads past blogs of mine.. he was recently laughing while reading one and his boss came by to see why.. he showed her and she started laughing too.. glad i can be the cause of a major decrease in workplace productivity..

11:25 p.m.: see a girl walk by with a disaster for a face and an obviously fake rack.. i tell Ryan to remind me to blog about faces being more important than boobs..

11:30 p.m.-12:00 a.m.: run into two more avid blog readers and am anointed the "funniest guy ever".. that's going on my tombstone.. i'm told that i should put my blogging ahead of my job because people look forward to reading these so much.. that's much-appreciated but i look forward to having money to pay for things..

12:00-1:00 a.m.: Ryan's girlfriend eventually shows up with a friend who she ran with in the race.. Ryan told me earlier that one of the things he likes most about her is that she's independent and doesn't always need him around.. i agree that's a very cool quality.. we notice some other dudes talking to her and putting their arm around her.. i ask Ryan if that bugs him and he says no because he knows she's going home with him (foreshadowing).. Ryan goes to the bathroom and i stand guard of his girlfriend, ready to knock anyone out because i'm a badass with earrings and a tattoo..

1:00-2:00 a.m.: we go do a lot of dancing.. we also notice the girl that was eye-fucking me earlier is close by.. while i'm dancing, i feel hands rubbing my back and arms.. could have been eye-fuck girl or Ryan's girlfriends friend.. either way, i was drunk and enjoying it.. also, while i was peeing, some idiot came in and was pissed because all the urinals were being used.. so he started talking all dumb and then said "now i'll probably get beat up".. as i walk by him, i say "i remember when i had my first beer".. that shut him up and caused laughter from the other urinaters.. i always like to win over the bathroom crowds..

2:00 a.m.: we get outside and realize the girls are nowhere to be found.. Ryan is upset by this ditching and says he wants to drive back home.. i tell him he's not doing that.. eventually his girlfriend calls him and says she's at some brick house on some street.. we search for it..

2:15 a.m.: eventually we find it, she's on the front porch.. some guys that must have owned the place asked us if we were walking home and told us to "have a good night".. we obviously weren't invited in.. a truck pulls up and Ryan's girlfriend runs right by without acknowledging him and she goes and talks to the truck guys.. Ryan has no idea what's going on.. they all went to the back of the house, so we sit on the steps and discuss our options and the fact that all girls should be considered crazy until proven otherwise..

2:30 a.m.: we decide that we'd stay at my place til the morning and then go back to our respective parents..

3:00 a.m.: we get home and he's still texting and talking to his girlfriend's friend to see what's going on.. apparently his girlfriend passed out on the couch, so at least she wasn't whoring around on him.. still it was rude to tell us to come there and then act like we were invisible.. Ryan contemplates going back there.. i'm exhausted so i turn ESPN on and fall asleep on the couch..

7:30 a.m.: i wake up, my mouth tastes like death mixed with expired elephant piss.. definitely still drunk.. Ryan is on the loveseat in his underwear.. "i couldn't sleep with jeans on" he says.. my roommates fiance comes upstairs and tells us they're getting ready to go to their second day of marriage class and today they were going to talk about sex.. i'm sure i said something stupid about people not having sex when they get married.. i get up to get some water and nearly fall over from the soreness in both my calves..

8:00 a.m.: i get back to my parents.. everyone is awake and flabbergasted that i'm awake this early.. i try to hide the fact that i'm still legally drunk.. i drink a gallon of water and go back to sleep off my drunkenness..

did i forget anything Ryan?


Cosmo's latest issue includes a "Hot Fantasy Game".. here are a few favorites:

- You are getting dressed for a big night out and look incredible. As I ogle you from head to toe, I notice a silk tie draped over the doorknob behind you and get a very naughty idea. I pick it up, then lead you to a chair. Gently, I lower you onto it and wrap the tie around your... [finish this fantasy]

- We're on vacation, walking back from the beach, a little sweaty from the sun, a little sticky from the saltwater. Hands intertwined and sand between our toes, we notice a dune off the path, and beside it, a patch of soft grass. Slyly, we glance at each other, then at the same time, rip off our suits, Next, we... [finish this fantasy]

- Leaving a friend's place, we decide to take the stairs. As we go down, you give me a come-hither motion and sprint ahead. Confused, I speed up, my eyes on your ass. I almost catch up, then you stop. Momentum takes over, and my body pins yours to the wall. Panting, I grind into you and hold your arms back so I can... [finish this fantasy]

- We've just been to a wedding, and we look pretty damn elegant. As we head to the car, we hear a clap of thunder. The sky breaks open, forcing us to run back to the reception hall and huddle under a balcony. Our clothes cling to our bodies, and yours are just begging to be stripped off. So I... [finish this fantasy]


Men's Health Tips of the Week

How Nice Guys Can Impress Women

Men always ask us why women won't sleep with nice guys. We will. It's just that jerks have been able to perfect the first-impression package that catches our attention. And in our years as sex-advice columnists, it has become clear that you good guys can learn from the players. Just follow these steps to score like a jerk—without becoming one yourself.

Be Confident
Without this, you might as well forget the next eight steps, 'cause you ain't getting laid. We don't care what kind of Jedi mind trick it takes—a Raging Bull-style motivational speech in the bathroom mirror, or imagining her with a massive zit on her nose—you should force your body to act confident.

Don't slouch; do nod and smile when she's talking; and put your beer on the bar between sips, rather than clutching it like a life preserver. Because if you don't believe in yourself as a sex machine, she never will.

But Don't Be Arrogant
If you lay it on too thick and make yourself the focus (or, worse, the hero) of every story you tell, you know what we'll think? That you're insecure and desperate, and have something to prove. We can spot a Napoleon complex within 60 seconds.

What we like instead is self-deprecation—a guy who can laugh at himself. Make fun of yourself in the past tense. Everyone loves to bond about what dorks we were in high school. It proves that you can laugh at yourself while subtly conveying that you've become way cooler. One boyfriend of Lo's won her over by breaking out his hilariously hideous 1995 driver's-license photo. But be careful not to overdo the self-deprecation, lest you fail the next step.

Don't Whine, Complain, or Bitch
About anything—it's seriously unsexy. If you can't get a bartender's attention, for example, don't sigh loudly and complain about the service—laugh it off and ask her to give it a shot instead. And your problem at work? Don't care! We're drinking, here!

Stop Being So Considerate
Nice guys hate to offend, so they add "just kidding" after every sarcastic comment. It's the equivalent of smiley emoticons. You don't have to be so gushing and eager to please. Poke fun at her girly drink, her jukebox selections, her brick of a joke. You know, the way you made fun of the girls you really liked when you were in sixth grade.

Compliment Her
But make it about something besides her appearance. She's heard a thousand guys tell her she has great skin, so it no longer even registers as a compliment—she just assumes you're trying to get in her pants. But if you are genuinely listening to her (You are, right? Hello?) and you manage to observe something about her inner person, it will get you far, because it's rare.

You could be totally off base, but it doesn't matter: People are always fascinated by a near stranger's assessment of their character. It's kind of like reading a horoscope. If she makes you laugh, tell her she's funny. If she says something sweet, tell her she's kind. If she tells a great story, ask if you can steal it. Years ago, a guy in a bar told Em she had great style, and she's never forgotten it—it's a million times better than "You look hot in that."

Touch Her
After you've developed a rapport, find a lighthearted excuse for a little skin-to-skin contact—like a gentle shoulder punch when she makes you laugh, an elbow touch as you click on some shared delight, or a cozy duet at a karaoke bar. Or drag her onto the dance floor to something like Kings of Leon or upbeat Sinatra, so you can swing around together like a poor man's Fred and Ginger. But don't grope or gaze deeply into her eyes while putting your hand on her knee—she'll think you read some cheesy book on how to hook up (written by a man).

Recruit a Wingwoman
Wingmen are for beer ads. Wingwomen are for closing the deal. When a woman sees a guy with cool female friends, she assumes a) he's a laugh to be around; b) he genuinely likes women, rather than just their body parts; c) he's not desperate; and d) he'll probably still respect her in the morning. Moreover, wingwomen—especially cute ones—create an air of friendly competition.

Your college gal pals make great wingwomen, because you've known them long enough for the relationship to be obviously platonic. Or, if one of your guy friends has a cool girlfriend, invite them both out: Most women in relationships are chronic match-makers. Confide in her that you need her help—she'll be flattered. Then let her work her magic.

Buy Her a Drink
But let her buy the next round. It blurs the lines between pickup artist and pickupee. Let her do a little of the work so she'll relax into being seduced. If you don't, it'll make her more judgmental (and more likely to give you the Heisman). If you insist that she not pay for anything, she'll see you as an old-fashioned control freak who thinks that women who put out on the first date aren't "girlfriend material."

Make Her Laugh
If she's cracking up, she's too busy having a good time to wonder about your motives (not the case if you insist on supersmooth, seriously seductive pickup lines). Sharing a laugh makes her feel you two are "connecting." In fact, it's a far better indicator that she'll go home with you than sharing a kiss. But please, no knock-knock jokes or movie quotes—you have to be witty and irreverent.

Funny stories are always good—Em's fiancé cracked her up the first time they met by recounting how he got chased down by his neighbor's pet monkey after making monkey faces at it. And a cloak of humor can disguise your intentions just enough: Ask her jokingly if she'd like to come up and see your etchings. After all, the truth is often spoken in jest.


What Women Say Makes the Perfect Date

1. Observe the 4 p.m. Deadline
As the big date approaches, women worry that they'll be stood up. This is why there's a 4 p.m. deadline. If you call at 4:20 to confirm the 8 p.m. date, I'll have already made other plans, just to protect myself from the letdown. Call between noon and 4, or risk being set adrift like a hard-luck astronaut.

2. Choose the Location Well
If we live in a city, the first date should be closer to my place than yours—so you can walk me home. You should reach the meeting place on time or a little early. If you're driving to my place, pick me up 5 minutes late. There may be a stray hair that needs taming. And observe proper car etiquette. Always open the door for me, whether or not your car has power locks. Pressing a button does not a gentleman make.

3. Money Matters
Spending too much on a date makes me think you're trying to buy my affection. Or worse. I'd rather see evidence of your personal interest than your interest-bearing accounts. Special note: If you're spending more than $200 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you, you're a sucker. And she sucks.

4. Pay Attention
Girls spend a lot of time getting glam. They also spend a lot of time wondering if guys notice. Respond to my efforts.

5. But Chill with the Compliments
Give me a couple of sincere snaps—but make sure they're thoughtful. If you say you like my smile or my eyes, I've heard it before. Say, "Look at that dimple," or, "Wow, you have great eyelashes." Now you have my attention. Compliment my intelligence, sassiness, or unfaltering talent for ordering the best guac. Now you might get some ass.

6. Introduce Me
If you stop and talk to absolutely anyone, introduce me within 30 seconds without using the words "my friend." Personal details are required. By date six, I should have met all your important friends.

7. Don't Go All Donald on Me
Unless a woman is a hopeless climber, you won't impress her with what you own (that is, if you own anything). Instead, let me discover what's valuable about you, not what you've bought.

8. Notice What I Drink
Ask me if I'd like a refill when I leave an empty glass behind and head for the ladies' room. This makes you attentive and thoughtful. This makes me happy and socially lubricated.

9. Walk Me to My Door
It's a scary world, and I want you to protect me. If you're welcome inside my apartment, I will invite you. Do not ask to use my bathroom.

10. Kiss Me
If the date has gone well, lips must come into play. Even if it's just a peck. It gives me more peace of mind than you can imagine. Don't be discouraged if I hesitate to kiss you in return. I might be shy or nervous because I really like you. Or maybe you have bad breath. It doesn't mean I don't, or won't, want you.

11. Recognize the Kiss-Off
Game over if I don't kiss you on a second date. Take the hint.


Lyrics of the Week

"Kiss A Girl" by Keith Urban

To kiss and tell, it's just not my style.
But the night is young, and it's been awhile and she broke my heart, broke it right in two,
and it took some time but I'm feelin' like I'm finally ready to find, find somebody new

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world
I wanna kiss a girl

It's that moment when you start closin' in
First you're holding back, then surrenderin'
It can start a fire, light up the sky, such a simple thing.
Do you wanna try?
Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world
I wanna kiss a girl

'Cause maybe tonight it could turn into the rest of our lives, oh yeah.
Are you ready? Are you ready..to cross that line, put your lips on mine??

(Put your lips on mine baby)

Do you wanna try?
Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic baby
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But no one should be lonely, I shouldn't be lonely


"The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


"Anyone Else But You" by The Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you


"Good Girls Don't" by The Knack

She's your adolescent dream
Schoolboy stuff, a sticky sweet romance
And she makes you want to scream
Wishing you could get inside her pants
So you fantasize away
While you're squeezing her, you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

So you call her on the phone
To talk about the teachers that you hate
And she says she's all alone
And her parents won't be coming home till late
There's a ringing in your brain
'Cause you could've swore you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
Till she's sitting on your face

You're alone with her at last
And you're waiting till you think the time is right
'Cause you've heard she's pretty fast
And you're hoping that she'll give you some tonight
So, you start to make your play
'Cause you could've swore you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
Till she's sitting on your face

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do
Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do
But I do
But I do
But I do


"Grace Kelly" by Mika

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess Im a little bit shy
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesnt solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like

Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!
ooooooooooh ooh oooooooh
waaa wow


"Heaven" by Warrant

Got a picture of your house
And you're standing by the door
It's black and white and faded
And it's looking pretty worn

See the factory that I worked
Silhouetted in the back
The memories are grey
but man they're really coming back

I don't need to be the king of the world
As long as I'm the hero of this little girl

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say

How I love the way you move
And the sparkle in your eyes
There's a color deep inside them
Like a blue suburban sky

When I come home late at night
And you're in bed asleep
I wrap my arms around you
So I can feel you breathe

I don't need to be a superman
As long as you will always be my biggest fan

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say
We'll find a way (Yeah!)

Now the lights are going out
Along the boulevard
The memories come rushing back
And it makes it pretty hard

I've got nowhere left to go
And no one really cares
I don't know what to do
But I'm never giving up on you

(Heaven isn't too far away)
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends say
I know we gotta find a way

It's not too far away.


"Brokenhearted" by Vaughan Penn

I give you good advice, you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford
But when you're not doing too well
I'll be here, here for you still
A little bit longer

Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?
You're so brokenhearted
I'll fix yours for free
Brokenhearted
Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?

Life gives us both a chance
An equal vote
And it's just the circumstance if it all goes up in smoke
When all the answers you're trying to find
They don't come easy, there's no peace of mind
Somebody's there for you

When all the answers you're trying to find
They don't come easy, there's no peace of mind
Somebody's there for you

I give you good advice, you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford


"The World Ain't Slowin' Down" by Paul Ellis

I found you sitting on a suitcase crying
Beneath my feet,
I feel the rumble of a subway train
I laugh out loud,
'cause it's the one thing I hadn't been trying
The train came in breathless,
The passanger's restless
You say, "Baby, you'll never change"

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey...

Out on the sidewalk,
Pigeon's do the moonwalk
I'll be dancing like Fred Astaire
The lamppost's are rockin,
The whole town's talkin
Like a fool in a barber's chair
And I get the sensation,
The joy and fustration
Like being caught by a tropical rain
Freedom can numb you,
When there's no place to run to
It feels just like Novocane

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
(it's callin out to you)
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey...

You packed up all your handbags,
Throwing off the sandbags
I let go and you stepped free
I didn't want to loose you
You said, "You didn't choose to,
It's just how your karma came."
But thanks for the vision,
And the twenty-twenty wisdom
It hit me like a south-bound train

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
(it's callin out to you)
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go--
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go--
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, it's a big, blue world
It's a big, blue world
Ridin' on a big, blue world

screaming infidelities..

this post is being co-brought to you by Charles Barkley's golf swing and "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"..

i ended up being offered that position at my work that i mentioned a couple posts ago.. consequently, i may not be able to blog as often as i'd like.. i'll still do it as much as i'm able to though.. be patient!!

Text of the Week: "Thank you for serving in Vietnam but you still need to drive the speed limit and use your blinker".. from my roommate, Mike..

another roommate, Robert, likes to inform me every morning about the events of "Little House on the Prairie".. here are some i remember: Pa appears that he wants to nail the hot maid but doesn't, someone had typhoid like back on "Oregon Trail", some bad guys came into town and were stealing lumber and the daughter needed help with her math homework.. he gets pretty fired up about it and it's entertaining..

another roommate, Josh, just walked into my room and sang "How Do I Live Without You" by Whitney Houston to me..

Robert and i spent last weekend in Minneapolis at the home of an ex-roommate.. here are a few highlights:

- at a Japanese restaurant/bar (Moto i?) a 20-something year old girl was making out with a 40-something year old man.. two other young females were sitting with an older man at another table.. i'm guessing money was exchanged between a number of them throughout the night, or else i didn't really understand what was happening..

- at Stella's, we encountered a reunion of my high school.. it felt like the Keller at the Red Carpet, only classier.

- a bar called William's serves hot dogs in the corner of the bar.. probably the smartest idea i've ever heard.. i demolished two..

- when we got home on Friday night, we ordered pizza at 3 a.m. and played Guitar Hero: Legends of Rock with the microphone, drums and guitar.. Robert is the worst drummer in history and i sound almost exactly like Gwen Stefani when i'm drunk..

- we walked to breakfast the next morning and i had 3 of the world's most unbelievable pancakes.. the crowd was diverse and entertaining to watch.. also, the hand dryer in the bathroom was powered by a jet engine.. there was also a gentleman playing live music over the loud speaker who Robert described as a "young Hank Williams".. he's funny when we're still drunk in the morning..

- went back to ex-roommates place, took a nap and watched the NCAA tournament, an emphasis on the napping part.. needed to recharge for the night..

- we ate at a place called Buster's and they served all kinda of exotic beers.. i tried something called "Old Speckled Hen" and immediately regretted it.. i'll be sticking to American beer, thank you very much.. also, the waitress spilled her tray full of beverages "for the first time since her first day serving".. always comical..

- went to the apartment of a few guys we went to high school with and played drinking games.. some idiot kept giving me drinks and looking at me weird, so i felt good when i had the opportunity to give 10 drinks and threw my card at him.. i also felt good when we went to the bar at 11:00 and he was passed out.. but first, a story about a hot girl.. they live next to a few girls, one of which came over unannounced to see what was going on.. she immediately sat down on one of our friends laps, who is married and she's never met before.. she finally asked him if he was dating any of the girls in the room and he said "no, my wife is in San Diego".. classic.. she apologized and walked over to me and introduced herself.. then she said she liked my hat (i was wearing my cab driver hat) and asked if i was into fashion.. i said no, that i just liked dressing good.. she said i looked cute, then walked back to her apartment.. eventually, one of the guys who lived there went over to their apartment and came back saying that she was talking about one of the guys.. so a couple more people went over to do research.. Robert asked if she was talking about the married guy, and she said something like "oh yeah, i like him", so he came back and said it was him.. i was bummed out.. but then the guy who originally had gone over there said that wasn't true because he had asked her if it was the guy who's lap she sat on, and she said "no, he was sitting on the couch".. I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH!! :) anyway, the story doesn't end with her and i doing sex things because her and her roommates went downtown and our crew went into uptown.. so close, huh?

- at Stella's again, some girl runs by, steals my hat and puts one of those rabbit peeps in there and gives it back.. i didn't really understand it, maybe it was some sort of "magic trick?"

- we end the night and weekend with another round of pizza and Guitar Hero.. very enjoyable time.. Robert nearly kills us on the ride home because my sleeping bag was "in his blind spot"..


went out in St. Joe last night, with times being approximate but events being true and clouded with alcohol, here's the running diary:

9:00 p.m.: arrive at the La Playette, immediately take Jag Bomb and picture..

9:01 p.m.: notice a hot blonde girl that i'm fairly sure i went to college with.. Ryan, the friend i'm with, calls dibs on her.. i abide by the "bro's before ho's" rule and make her off limits, like it was my decision..

9:10 p.m.: the Wild are winning 1 to 0.. cool..

9:15 p.m.: decide that my parking spot in front of the pizza place across the street is questionable at best so i move my car behind the bar to avoid drunks peeing in my gas tank and breaking the windows to sleep in my back seat..

9:16 p.m.: Wild are losing 2 to 1.. cool.. also, soccer is on tv so i keep my eyes peeled for fans shooting players.. a player gets injured and the time still runs.. i'll never understand that..

9:20 p.m.: Water Moccasin shots.. two shots in 20 minutes.. decide that i'm probably not driving anywhere tonight..

9:30 p.m.: Ryan takes over the juke box for the next 12 songs.. the old hillbillies in the bar aren't fond of the selection.. we make fun of their cowboy hats with each other..

9:45 to 10:45 p.m.: we play pool and drink alcohol and discuss girl situations.. we also take shots of Rumpleminz (the cute bartender girls favorite shot).. we tell her it's her turn to shoot on the pool table and she sinks a difficult shot to win the game for me, despite the fact that she scratched.. we were playing Mexican Indoor rules..

10:45 to 11:00 p.m.: the bartender girl tells us her roommate said she wasn't a good match for the guy she is kinda seeing because "his last girlfriend was hot".. girls are awesome.. also, she said her perfect guy would be Seth from "The O.C.".. i casually point out that my sister says my personality is exactly like his, although i've never watched the show to see if that's accurate.. i'll trust her, she knows me fairly well..

11:05 p.m.: shots of tequila.. i mistakenly mention that i don't think i've ever had a shot of tequila, so Ryan's shot becomes mine.. to avoid an uncomfortable moment, i lick the salt off cute bartender girl and she licks the salt off Ryan.. it burned on the way down..

11:10 p.m.: Ryan and i get caught looking at this girl who's wearing her shirt tied just below her breasts and with a giant tramp stamp tattoo on her lower back.. apparently some guy is there with her and calls us out on it, so we go over to him to diffuse the situation.. we find out he's 29 years old and his plan is to retire in 10 years and open a fraternity? after telling the slutty dressed girl that her "pants would look better on his floor" (original), she flicks him off but eventually makes out with him..

11:25 p.m.: one of Ryan's college buddies proudly tells us he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had until his current fiancee.. that'll probably last..

11:35 p.m.: another guy tells us a story about the previous night, where he went to sleep drunk and woke up fingering his fiancee.. then the next thing he remembers was having sex with her.. doesn't remember how it started.. those are fun stories..

11:45 p.m.: Ryan and i are suddenly in the middle of three girls that i haven't seen yet.. one was super hot but clearly high-maintenance and full of herself.. i decide i want to make out with the girl on my right.. i go do research to find out her name..

11:48 p.m.: one of Ryan's buddies says he knows her but doesn't know her name.. but he'll find out for me.. he's in the middle of a conversation with a girl so i decide not to hold my breath..

12:00 a.m.: tequila shot hits me..

12:03 a.m.: wow..

12:05 a.m.: yikes.. (didn't puke, streak is still alive)..

12:10 a.m.: end up at another bar, absolutely no recollection of walking there..

12:15 a.m.: Ryan is chatting up a super hot blonde girl who has a boyfriend.. she tells him naughty things.. i make pact with myself to start hitting the gym more religiously so girls say naughty things to me..

12:30 a.m.: apparently the tradition at this bar is, at the end of the night when they play "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond, everyone stands in a circle and the guys pull their pants down and stand in their boxers? seems like a good idea..

12:45 a.m.: i have no idea..

1:00 a.m.: get ushered to the door, apparently this is the one city in America where the bars still close at 1:00.. i'm actually not upset because i can't see anymore..

1:10 a.m.: Ryan and i end up at the home of the hot girl who has a boyfriend and wants Ryan, and another hot girl.. promising..

1:15 a.m.: seems like a good time to change a light bulb, so i climb the chair and get to work.. the other hot girl thinks it's necessary to hold me by touching my stomach the entire time.. meanwhile, i'm fighting the cover of the light bulb until it explodes in my hand, shooting glass everywhere except in my eyes..

1:20 a.m.: girl lost her phone, walks back to the bar to get it.. Ryan and i also go.. maybe other people too?

1:35 a.m.: get back to their place, super hot girl's boyfriend is there and another dude who we didn't know.. hot girl and her boyfriend go into the bathroom and fight for an hour, not the smartest place to hold that discussion with people who need to pee every 11 minutes..

1:50 a.m.: look outside door, see headlights parked down street.. go back upstairs for a minute.. come back down, headlights are gone.. pee..

2:00 a.m.: girl that was touching my stomach went into her room with random dude that showed up.. hear sex noises.. not sure if they're coming from the bathroom or bedroom.. decide not to investigate..

2:10 a.m.: pee outside again.. right as i close the door to go back inside, a police truck drives by.. congratulate myself for narrowly avoiding a "urinating in public" citation..

2:25 a.m.: some other guy enters the place and says "hey babe, let me in".. door opens, probably the bedroom of the girl who's housing the random dude.. she surprised to see him, thinking he's outside, not outside her bedroom.. i hope for a fistfight.. doesn't happen..

2:30 a.m.: Ryan snoring on other couch.. contemplate throwing shoe at him to shut him up..

2:35 a.m.: hot girl exits the bathroom, makes eye contact with me and giggles.. not sure what that means..

2:40 a.m.: fall asleep with shoes on..

6:30 a.m.: wake up, do the "where the fuck am i?" look for 10 seconds.. check pockets for everything i should have.. check phone for embarrassing drunk texts.. satisfied, i walk to my car and drive to my parents house, singing Neil Sedaka songs..

6:40 a.m.: my mom is going for a walk and i pass her on the road.. our sleep schedules are so opposite, i wonder if i'm adopted..

6:43 a.m.: Mom walks in from her walk.. i hug her cause she has chili in the crock pot.. luckily my sister is at her boyfriends so i have a bed to sleep in.. tell Mom to wake me up for lunch.. wonder if i'm still legally drunk..

beautiful wreck..

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