every rose has it's thorn..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy i saw driving a truck with his foot out the window and resting on his side mirror and my roommates "Doug's Tug" shipping hat, which he wore to softball tonight..

i went through the least favorite part of my job for the second time today.. i had to call three people to tell them not to come to work until we call them back.. it sucks to have to tell someone that we don't know when they're going to get paid again.. luckily, these people are young and most likely still live with their parents while going to school, but it's still not fun to have to be the person to tell them.. i dialed each number praying for the voicemail to pick up..

here's why i want a girlfriend: so i don't have to pay $40 for someone to give me a massage for a fucking half hour.. i've realized this recently because of tension headaches and i can feel so many knots in my back it's ridiculous.. it'd be nice to have someone take care of that at home, and not get kicked in the churchbells when you offer to give her one in return under the condition she strips for you while wearing thigh-high fishnet stockings.... or, you know, whatever..

MTV's "True Life" is proof people should be given random "Are You Stable Enough For This?" tests.. last night, there was an episode called "I'm In Debt".. okay, most people are, that's fine.. these people were thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, didn't go to school, had to move in with their parents and for the most part, worked only part-time jobs.. one girl got her paycheck, decided she had $126 in spending money for the next week and immediately spent $60 on "cigarettes, a hat and tanning".. smart move.. one girl had 11 credit cards.. i have one.. another declared bankruptcy at age 21, ruining her credit for at least 10 years.. not to be outdone, a few weeks ago there was an "I'm Addicted To Porn" episode.. this was as sad as it was comical.. one of the guys was married and had four kids but was forced to move out because the ol' ball and chain wasn't grooving on the hours of porn being viewed.. so he promised he'd quit but then was being taped watching porn and said he had to leave to take care of himself.. just what you want on national television.. another guy failed to show up to a job interview because he spent too much time at the sex shop.. then he went out to dinner with his family and told them that porn takes up most of his day.. how?? how does it take up most of your day??? the last person on the show (and probably most sane) was an actual pornstar.. at least she's getting paid to be addicted to porn..

ran a 5K this past Saturday to benefit disabled veterans in my hometown.. so that brings my race total in the past 8 months to four.. two 5K's, one 6K and one half-marathon relay.. for someone who hates running, i sure do a lot of it.. my music of choice during these races is Tim Mahoney, he's from Minneapolis and has played a lot in the St. Cloud, Rochester, Twin Cities areas.. his newest CD, "Stay/Leave" stayed in my car for three straight weeks when i bought it and i've recommended it to a lot of people.. if you like discovering lesser-known musical talent, i suggest buying it.. anyway, i get home from work today and i have an email from my sister inviting me to sign up for the Red River Run on July 25th.. at 8:00 in the morning, nonetheless.. i've finally boughten running shoes after running for months in basketball shoes, which is like running with winter boots on.. sometimes i'm the dumbest person i know..

i switched gyms last week.. i now am a member of Gold's.. two words: co-ed sauna..

i'm addicted to buying golf stuff.. last week alone i bought two golf shirts, a hat, balls, tees and seriously considered buying a $60 jacket.. everything i walk by in the golf section i feel i have a need for.. do i absolutely need a head cover that looks like an elephant? no, i probably could live without it (although it was pretty cute.. and that was one of the things i passed on).. this Saturday, i'll be at my brothers house near Rochester, who i've agreed to pay $100 for his driver and a pair of khaki golf pants.. hell, if i'm going to hit as many houses, sand traps and lakes as i do, i'm at least going to look good doing it..

how about that "Grey's Anatomy" season finale?? i didn't watch a second of it but people sure got fired up about it on Facebook.. speaking of doctors, answer this: if a chick has herpes, is there any chance of her getting pregnant without giving it to the dude? or the baby? not that it's a big concern of mine, some skank in Cosmo received her first kiss and herpes in the same night.. hey, go big or go home, right?

went to a movie on Saturday.. spent $11 on nachos and an ICEE.. are you fucking kidding me?? if i'm paying that much, someone better be feeding it to me while i lay on a hammock.. i usually destroy all the nachos by the end of the previews, like i haven't eaten in weeks.. the least they could do is give you enough cheese for all the chips.. if you're giving me a bag of chips, fill up the bigger section of the tray with the cheese.. or at least let me tell you when to stop.. not much pisses me off more than misjudging the amount of cheese i can allot for each chip, ending up eating about 20 chips plain at the end..

Chandler: "look at all that room on her side! you could fit a giant penguin over there..... that'd be weird though"..

Robert and i were watching TV late Saturday afternoon when we notice that "Coyote Ugly" is on Starz.. the following conversation ensues:

Robert: "did you know there is a topless sex scene in here?"
Me: "when?"
Robert: "when he makes her sing and stuff"
Me: "i don't believe you"
Robert: "there is! i saw it one night when i was going to sleep. i never thought there was either but i saw it. unless i was dreaming"
Me: "the main chick? that girl right there, with the giant mouth?"
Robert: "yes... she has nice boobs"
Me: "prove it"

so we watch for about a half hour, until the "topless sex scene" comes up.. things look promising for Robert when the guy on the movie asks her to explain how she feels when she has to sing in public and she says she gets really nervous and has to make him feel the same way.. then she starts taking clothes off.. then they start kissing.. then the camera sloooowly pans up the bed.... to the dude completely naked with just a blanket covering his lower half.. the chick is already at the piano dressed in something from Eskimos-R-Us..

Me (pissed): "are you fucking kidding me right now?"
Robert: "i saw it!!!"
Me: "well maybe it's still coming up" (sarcasm)
Robert: "i swear i saw it. it was right during that scene, i swear!"
Me: "i didn't know we lied to each other"

the moral of the story: Robert lies to his friends about topless sex scenes in movies that he actually only dreams about..


here's your Shawn Michaels update on the Playstation 3.. 40 wins and 1 loss (thanks to Robert and his inability to put his phone down when it's his match, despite my comments about him "getting his shit kicked right now").. even with Robert as my partner, we currently hold the Intercontinental, ECW and United States Championships and are a few wins away from the Hardcore Championship.. we've learned how to hit guys in the head with chairs and ladders and sticks that we can start on fire.. we're 25 years old.. also, Shawn Michaels intro music goes a little something like this:

Oooh, ooh Shawn
I think I'm cute
I know I'm sexy
I got the looks
That drive the girls wild
They see me walk
They hear me talk
I make 'em feel
Like they're on cloud 9
I'm just a sexy boy (sexxxxxy booooy)
I'm not your boy toy (booooy tooooy)

(that's probably enough for me to know off the top of my head)...


and the Text of the Day (since it happened today)

girl: so you were in my dreams last night
me: what was i doing?
girl: ... maybe something sexual
me: was i good?!?
girl: fuck yes
me: you're welcome
girl: haha, thanks for the dream orgasm... it's really the same as a live one...
(wow)..


Runner-up Text of the Week

roommate Mike: wanna go for a walk with me?


Men's Health Tips of the Week

Some women go out looking for sex. Here's how to find them and make it happen.

1. She's Chatting Up the Bartender
A flirtatious woman can hardly contain herself. She won't let a male waiter or bartender take her order without flashing a smile and saying something silly, like, "What can you make me that would be really yummy?"

2. She's Scanning the Room
When women go out to bond with friends, they have blinders on. If they're not looking around, don't bug them. But when they want to mingle, they'll be scanning for cute men. They may even sit facing the room instead of each other.

3. She's Playing Games
Darts, pool, pinball—women know this makes them easier to approach. That's why they do it. It's easy to get a man's attention when you're about to jab him in the ribs with a pool cue.

4. Her Drink is Big, Frozen, and Blue
She's ready to party, which means meeting new people and having a good time, not getting naked with the first guy who buys her another round. But sometimes it does mean getting naked with the first hot, cool guy who buys her another round.

5. She Sends You a Zoolander Eye Lock
And the eyebrow raise, and/or at least two smiles (full, open-lipped, teeth smiles). Go over there and talk to her already. Caveat: There's a small chance she just thinks you're funny looking, but go ahead, have some balls. She's worth it.

6. Her Pupils are Dilated
If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That's because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever's exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Time to make your move.

7. She Lets You Get Close
As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you're standing or sitting. If she's into it, she won't back off.

8. She's a Chatterbox
If she leans forward when you're talking or asks you endless questions, the only way to shut her up is to kiss her.

9. She Uses Her Tongue
A make-out session is a prerequisite to any sexual proposition. Kiss her lips softly and note how intensely she's kissing back. You want the "I want to eat you alive" kind of kiss, not the sweet "I'm not a dirty girl" kind of kiss.

10. She's Wearing Thigh-High Stockings
Women only wear sexy underthings when they're expecting a man to see them. If she's wearing a thong, she's trying to avoid panty lines, but sex is on her mind, too. Anything black, red, pink, leopard print, or lace equals "I want you."


Her Biggest Secrets Revealed

By: Nicole Beland

1. She may like zombies, but she loves talking animals.
Women flash their guy-friendly facets early on, so you quickly learned about her passion for nachos, her George Romero movie collection, and her signature snowboarding trick. But every tough girl has her soft side. It won't be long before she suggests renting Madagascar and playing Scrabble on a Saturday night.

Give the cornball stuff a chance. As a mood booster, it's as effective as Prozac.

2. Her entourage knows all about you.
As hard as she might try—which probably isn't hard at all—a girl can't keep a new fling to herself. Early in a relationship, you dominate her life, so her friends are already calling and e-mailing for daily updates. If she were any less discreet, she'd have a blog with your name in the URL.

When you see one of her crew, ask how your stock is doing.

3. The worse she is at accepting compliments, the more she craves them.
A babe who barely blinks when you tell her she's beautiful knows she's hot, and your praise scarcely registers. On the other hand, a woman who blushes, looks away, or tells you you're crazy doesn't consider herself particularly pretty. To her, the words "You look gorgeous" are pure gold.

Say them often and watch her melt a little more every time.

4. That sex trick she says she's never done before? She has. Many times.
Women figure that even the most sensitive man likes to feel sexually dominant at first, so she'll downplay her carnal knowledge. In a couple of months, her real bedroom persona will rear its randy head.

Speed up the process by "accidentally" leaving two ties hanging from your bedposts.

5. She bought that outfit 4 hours ago.
It feels wrong to wear an old dress on a date with a new guy. Since she met you, this girl has blown more than $500 on looking good.

Taking careful note of her clothing—running your hands over a stretch of lace, fingering the bow on her bra, unzipping her knee-high boots—will make every penny well spent.

6. Half of her ecstatic moans are total b.s.
You could be stimulating every one of her erogenous zones, but the odds that she's having monster orgasms right off the bat are low. The majority of women are far too self-conscious at the beginning of a relationship to totally let go, so we fake it till we make it.

Don't worry; just last as long as you can.

7. Her job is more impressive than she lets on.
Don't believe her when she says her title isn't as VIP as it sounds. Women tend to be modest when it comes to work, in part because we don't base our self-worth entirely on our career status.

Talk up her career when introducing her to others, to give her the credit she deserves.

8. How she feels about you is written all over her face.
If she's into you, she'll grin like an idiot when you enter a room. If she stands up and walks toward you, she's downright smitten.

Unless you want her to curb her enthusiasm, respond in kind when she makes an entrance.

9. She's picturing what you'll look like in 10 years.
From your posture to your waistline, she's evaluating how well you're likely to age, especially if you're older than she is. She wants to make sure you aren't going to turn out like her beer-bellied, couch-potato dad.

Allay her fears by mentioning the adventure trips you've booked. Then maintain the body you'll need for them.

10. It takes her 20 minutes to write you a one-line e-mail.
Don't think that just because it's all in lowercase and there's one misspelled word, she shot off that e-mail without a thought. She's revising and reading it out loud until it seems pithy yet spontaneous.

Every time you shoot back an even wittier reply, you kick her lust meter up a notch.

11. Whatever you say will be held against you, eventually.
Early on, you might feel free to say all sorts of things about drugs you've tried, actresses you'd love to sleep with, or your buddy's bachelor party. She'll appear to take it in stride, but in fact she's storing the details for future fights.

Instead of censoring yourself, stump her with "If we can't be open with each other, what's the point of being in an intimate relationship?"

12. Refuse to tell a lie and she's sure to swoon.
Most people have flexible morals. They wouldn't steal anything, but they don't bother to correct a cashier if she hands back an extra $5 in change. Your date secretly hopes that you'll turn out to be as upstanding as Superman.

Casually and consistently do the right thing and she'll consider you a rare find.

13. She's gathering clues about your last girlfriend.
If she could, she would track your ex down and interview her about what you're like and why the two of you didn't work out. But she's not a psycho, so she waits for you to disclose tidbits that she can piece together.

It's simple: Don't talk about former flames.

14. She's judging you by your books.
The movies and albums you own tell a girl a lot about your personality, but it's the titles on your bookshelves that she's interested in. Back issues of Motor Trend and dog-eared Tom Clancy paperbacks won't win you any love.

You'll earn points for biographies, history, Eastern philosophy, and literary novels. It helps if you've actually read some of them.

15. She fears commitment, too.
She just doesn't realize it. Before long, she'll start nudging your relationship to the next level, because that's what women are trained to do from birth. Deep inside, she's just as unsure about what she wants and reluctant to give up her independence. That's why, when she finally is your girlfriend, she'll start freaking out.

Defuse her doubt-induced mood swings with a female tranquilizer, a.k.a. a bear hug.


41 Ways To Make a Woman Swoon

By: Nicole Beland

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

8. Kiss her eyelids.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.

11. If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she's feeling down.

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

27. Worship her breasts.

28. Give her jewelry.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.

36. Read her a story when it's her turn to drive during a long road trip.

37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.

38. Notice when she's wearing something new.

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

41. If she's too stressed to want sex . . .
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.


Lyrics of the Week

"Song For Her" by Starting Line

Before I say too much
Please just know that I'm not obsessed
Or so nearly depressed, or anything like that
Please hear what I have to say
Cause I don't feel this way everyday
As a matter of fact
I've never had this feeling before
And I'd like to feel it more
So can I stare as you ascend the stairs?
Now are you aware
That I fell into your eyes
At first sight?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go?

And I know it sounds absurd
And I know we've never spoke a word
And I know this must sound strange to you
But I just can't stop thinking of you

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go?

If you have a boyfriend
Then disregard everything
If you don't have a boyfriend
Then I meant every word I said
Every word I said...

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

And there's one more thing
That I have to sing to you:
What's your name?


"A Goodnight's Sleep" by Starting Line

A better slumber
Was in your arms
spent tangled up in you

A sudden morning
Crashed in the room
With an uninvited sudden change in you

What can I say?
Where's that girl from last night
That slept on that side, and looked just like you do?

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

For a lack of better
Words to say
All I said was goodnight
Once again, in self-defence
I wont sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That'screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Sleep in your own bed


"Firecracker" by Ryan Adams

Black birds slow and softly breaks a glass of wine
Broken bluesy whisper sing to me tonight
Well, everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

Lady, your kicks of silence soft into your room
Kiss me slow and softly make me dream of you
Well, everybody wants to go on forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

So when does the plane go down
'Cause I'm gonna ride it 'til it hits the ground
Then go out with a fight
'Cause I just wanna be your baby tonight


Crazy About You" by Ryan Adams

trust is a weird thing
make you crazy
make you jealous
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

and i guess i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

and love is a wonderful thing
make you wanna
make you need to
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

baby i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

baby i want you
honey i need you
i know you want to
i can feel you

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you


"Until The Day I Die" by Story Of The Year

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (When I knew who I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does.

Well make the same mistakes
I'll Take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
cuz I know I still do.

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue
Until blood soaks my shirt?
We'll never fall apart
so Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do, just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Yeah I'd spill my heart
Yeah I'd spill my heart, for you

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
mistakes like friends do,
my hands are at your throat
and I think I hate you
we made the same mistakes.

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die


"Echo" by Vertical Horizon

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Everywhere I go
There's something that I really need
Everyone I know
Is someone I want to be
Even though
I don't really know me

I better pick it up
Before I let it slip away
I better stick it out
Before I take another day
Into mouth
Every single word I say fades out

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Can I open up your eyes?
Only when the clouds break?
Can I feel alive?
Even though the world shakes
Every night,
Here in my quiet satellite

Can I hold you close?
Until we're out of focus
And everything I know
I don't even notice
When it all falls through
I'm here and I hear you

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
Cause I need to, just to reach you
Can you hear me?
Coming clearly?
Am I hollow?
Just an echo

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...
Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

It's just another day
And every single word I say fades out...


"Deep Inside Of You" by Third Eye Blind

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said
You’ve got
Somethin’
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sounds
Sway of your hips ‘round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life so it seems

A Fall breeze blows outside
I don’t break stride
Thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you

Oh yeah
And I never felt alone
Alright
Ohhh ohhh ‘til I met you

Friends say I’ve changed
I don’t listen
‘Cause I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide up her dress
Shouts in darkness
I’m so alive
I’m deep inside of you

You said boy made girl feel good
But still
Deep inside still

I never felt alone
‘Til I met you
I’m alright on my own
And then I met you
And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s comin’

I would change myself if I could
I would walk with my people if I could find ‘em
And I’d say that I’m sorry to you
I’m sorry to you
And I don’t wanna call you
But then I wanna to call you
‘Cause I don’t wanna crush you
But I feel like crushin’ you
And it’s true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

(We were broke and) didn’t know

And we were broke and didn’t know (3x)

Right
Ohhh that’s right
Ohhh

Somethin’s gone
You withdraw
And I’m not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare at a ghost
Deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed

I’ve lost myself there’s nothin’ left
It’s all gone

Deep inside of you


"Jumper" by Third Eye Blind

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light
On a burial shroud
I know something's wrong

Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say

Put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

Well, he's on the table
And he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they are doing here
And your friends have left
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I
I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today

We can put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand

Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
I would understand...


"What A Beautiful Day" by Chris Cagle

Day one
I stumbled through hello on 5th avenue
Day two
We grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon
Caught a movie on day 14
And day 67 she said, "I love you" to me

Oh what a feeling
What a wonderful emotion
Yeah what a life
Counting my blessings and knowing
Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way
She had a chance to leave but chose to stay
What a beautiful day
What a beautiful day

Day 116
I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life
Day 189
Oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride
She said, "I do" on day 482
And gave me a son on day 761

Oh what a feeling
What a wonderful emotion
Yeah what a life
Counting my blessings and knowing
Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way
She had a chance to leave but chose to stay
What a beautiful day
What a beautiful day

Day 18,253
Well honey, that's fifty years
Yeah, here's to you and me

Day one
I thank God I said hello on 5th avenue


"Promiscuous Girl" by Nelly and Timbaland

N: Am i throwin' you off?
Nope
N: Didn’t think so

How you doin’ young lady
The feeling that youre giving really drives me crazy
You don’t have to play about the joke
I was lost with the words first time that we spoke

N:If you looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
If you lookin’ for her in the day time with the light

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

N: You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you git it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand

I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent

N: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
Im' all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

N: Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead,
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
who you with, do you mind if I come through

N: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

They call me Thomas
last name Crown
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down

N: I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team
N: So does everybody else.
*shit*

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain’t nobody gotta know
If you with it girl I know a place we can go

N: What kind of girl do you take me for?

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Hey! Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you with my t-shirt on

N: I can see you with nothing on
feeling on me before you bring that on

Bring that on?
N: You know what I mean

Girl, I’m a freak you shouldn't say those things

N: I’m only trying to get inside your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say

It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like

N: Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash

Promiscuous Girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And its you that I want

N: Promiscuous Boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait

Promiscuous Girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous Boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more
eh o ey o (carry on doing that)

sitting, waiting, wishing..

this post is being co-brought to you by athletes with their backs against the wall and giving 110%, and the 13-year-old girl i saw with "Juicy" written on her backside.. good luck with that pregnancy next year..

the worst website on the internet is WebMD.. here's why: you're always dying.. they'll ask for your symptoms, so you put in "headache" or whatever, you're directed to websites about brain cancer.. especially if you're a hypochondriac, this site does no good at all.. i've been convinced that i've had diabetes and lung cancer because of WebMD.. i'll confess that i have a little hypochondria in me, if something feels wrong i immediately think the worst.. it's shitty, and this website doesn't help matters.. i'll probably have ovarian cysts next week.. can't wait..

on the medical topic, i think doctors shouldn't be allowed to be doctors if they act like it's the last place they want to be.. i know they have to see a large amount of patients in a day but if it's that bad, hire more doctors.. more the amount of money it costs (and that doctors get paid), they should be given an adequate amount of time to figure out what's going on.. i've actually been to one doctor where i've said "this is what i feel, what do you think that is?".. he said, "i don't know" with some sort of bored look on his face.. and that was it.. glad all that schooling paid off.. they should be friendly and willing to figure out, i'm sure that's in the job description somewhere.. plus, it's not like they should be in a hurry.. doctors make enough money where they can Tivo "House" or "Grey's Anatomy" or whatever the hell they want to watch..

here's something i do: if i'm wanting to checkout at a store and one line is pretty long with a hot checkout girl and another line is shorter with an unattractive girl, i'm gonna stand in the hot girl line.. i'm fairly sure most guys do this.. it gives me more time to look at her, and more time to come up with something witty to say.. this worked to perfection at the liquor store last weekend.. racked-out blonde chick working one counter helping a customer, two dudes working at other counters with nobody in their lines.. so i stall, looking at wines (classier than looking at vodkas) and then jump into her line.. i ask her whether she likes white or red wines (so money, i don't even know it), she made something up to impress me, and i looked at her butt when she turned to get my change (which i'm sure she knew, with the pants she was wearing).. this is what guys do..

Denard Span just tripled in two runs for the Twins and i clapped.. he's currently my favorite Twin..

a few weeks ago, one of my roommates had a day off work and was watching "The Price Is Right" when i was getting ready for work.. i almost had to call in sick.. it's so addicting.. although, i think the people that they have sitting in the front row are actors.. they get so fired up when someone wins that bidding thing to go play a game.. no one can be that excited for a stranger to meet Drew Carey and have a chance to win a Grandfather clock.. i love when it takes the elderly woman 16 tries to get the wheel around a full time, getting closer to nose-diving every time.. and since she barely gets it around, the one time she does she lands on the $1 spot and gets a chance to win a speedboat and spring break trip to Mexico in the Showcase Showdown.. i've had the theme song stuck in my head every since.. it's not the same since Drew took over for Bob Barker, mainly because every show was a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.. you know he had cameras in the dressing rooms of his "beauties" or whatever the fuck he called them.. i miss Bob..

Dave Letterman asks a good question: has Fabio every done anything since he got hit in the head with that goose while on that roller coaster? or before that?

Robert and i played about 5 hours of Playstation 3 on Saturday night.. first a few games of hockey, then he and i won the Intercontinental Championship with Shawn Michaels.. i told everyone at work this on Monday.. our goal was to make every opponent bleed from the head before we won.. then we went to bed at 3 a.m.. very drunk..

clumsiness is an underrated "cute" trait in girls.. i'm not saying someone who falls down steps on a daily basis and is an absolute train wreck, but a lot of the little things are cute, especially if they can laugh at themselves.. i remember one time being at a movie with a girl who was walking a little bit in front of me.. she turned to looked at me with a flirty smile and rolled her foot out of her shoe.. which, in her defense, were of the platform variety.. maybe it was the flirty look that made it cute, or the fact that she was wearing a skirt, but the fact that i've remembered it this long obviously says something.. some girls can be cute doing absolutely nothing.. those girls are my favorite..

when i start a band, i'm calling it "Accidental Grindage"..

the Twins bullpen just gave up two home runs to give the lead back to Detroit.. other than Joe Nathan, the pitchers in the bullpen are my least favorite players.. now something called "R.A. Dickey" is pitching.. anytime someone with a name sounding like an erectile disease or birthday party clown is pitching, i tend to lose hope for the squads chances.. but i just heard the phrase "Dickey gets the job done" and made an x-rated joke in my head, so i was a little premature (insert your own x-rated joke here)..

i'm happy it's finally warm enough to sleep in my underwear and topless again.. it feels more natural.. also, my pajama pants are still hidden somewhere in the house..

i'm admittedly not very smart politically but i read something recently that made a ton of sense to me.. according to what i read, there are currently 40 million people over age 50 who are working in the United States.. if we gave all of them $1 million, with the stipulations being that they retired and bought a new car with that money, here's what would happen: 40 million jobs would be available, obviously improving unemployment.. 40 million new cars would be sold, obviously helping the automobile industry.. the government would spend only $40 million, rather than the billions of dollars currently being spent to fix the economy.. also, many of these people would probably buy new houses and boats and take a vacation, helping real estate and tourism, etc.. i know most people are smarter than me about stuff like this and would probably have an argument as to why this couldn't ever work, but on the surface to someone as politically inept as i am, this sounds a hell of a lot better than what we're doing now.. (editors note: it was pointed out to me that the person who wrote this plan and myself were a little off with our math.. it wouldn't be $40 million, it would be $40 trillion, which is a slight difference.. that's why this wouldn't work but i'll leave my original opinion for you to enjoy.. it made sense when it browsed it half drunk one night and wrote it last night.. don't believe everything you read on the internet)..


girls, i know sometimes you wonder what you should wear.. here is my fashion advice to you.. girls look hottest wearing:

1) nothing (obviously)
2) a skirt (a recent event moved this higher on my list than previously)
3) anything Victoria's Secret (maybe 1 and 3 aren't for nights out)
4) jeans (especially ones that make your butt look ridiculous)
5) those stretchy white tank top things (i think they're illegal in 32 states)
6) comfy stuff (hooded sweatshirt, no/light makeup, bed hair, etc.)
7) anything i own
8) reading glasses (bonus points if you're reading)
9) anything supporting our favorite sports teams

here's what you shouldn't wear:

1) anything that makes you say the phrase "do i look fat in this?"
2) anything that could be described as "frumpy"

(Jason Kubel just hit a pinch-hit two run bomb to tie the game.. hopefully "R.A. Dickey" is on a plane to Rochester and unavailable to pitch next inning.. or warmup a bat boy or something)..


here are some things i wish girls knew:

- most of the guys i've talked to share this view: we like having space when we fall asleep.. the cuddling thing is fine for a while but when it's time to actually sleep, go your separate ways.. i think most girls feel this way as well, unless the relationship has lasted a long time and you're both used to it.. eventually you'll find your way to each other in the middle of the night anyway..

- if we really like you, we get butterflies when we see you, especially right away..

- when we make fun of our guy friends for talking on the phone with a girl, we're really just jealous..

- being sick turns us into the biggest pussies..

- dirty texts are fucking awesome.. it takes every muscle in our body to stop us from showing all our friends..

- if our friends like you, you're 13 times more attractive to us..

- anytime you turn around, we look at your butt.. Super Bowl, World Series, Final Four, Tiger putting for the win?? they have nothing on your ass..

- a guys night out doesn't consist of ogling hot girls.. it consists of beer, sports, mom jokes, dirty jokes, dirty mom jokes, and thinking about what you're doing..

- almost every song makes us think about you..

- we're scared shitless of meeting your parents.. we're more scared of meeting your friends.. (parents liking us could work against us, friends liking us is absolutely mandatory)..

- you should be more aggressive.. you know what i mean..

- shopping for you is like golf for us.. only tell us about buying your 27th purse if you want to hear about our double bogey on 11.. and the $79.99 we spent on the golf jacket we might wear three times a year..

- umm, those noises you make when we're doing things? we want those to be our ring tone.. and wedding song..

- seeing you get jealous is another one of those "cute" things..

- being skinny isn't as important as caring about your body.. an average-sized girl who works out is 1,000 times hotter than skeleton who just doesn't eat..

- sometimes we'll stay awake intentionally to watch you sleep..

- when you hold/play with babies, you're auditioning to be our future baby mama..

- you knowing about sports? SUPER hot.. you knowing more about sports than us? SUPER depressing..

- if we don't want to talk about something, don't bug us about it.. we'll talk when and if we want to.. guys are more "thinkers" and less "talkers".. nothing against you, we just think we can handle it ourselves, whether we're right or wrong.. however, we like helping you, so ask our opinion..

- if a guy has cheated on you or "isn't sure what he wants", he'll never change and he's waiting for something better.. if you think that's what you deserve, hang around..

- we couldn't care less about your friends relationship problems.. we're busy trying to not piss you off..

- arguing isn't always bad.. always agreeing is..

- you have a mole on your inner thigh.. we could find it blindfolded..

- if a guy hits on you and we see them do it, we're willing to place his beanbag in a vice and tighten it slowly until things pop.. we're also confident the jury would understand..

- reading Men's Health makes us feel healthy.. even if we're doing so while eating an entire bag of Twizzlers..

- if you smile, we can't not smile..

(editor's note: Joe Crede just ended the game with a walkoff grand slam in the 13th inning after being down one run.. i fucking love the Twins)..


Lyrics of the Week

"Anyone, Anyone" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm not sure of
Anyone, Anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking
For everything
But sure I could
Use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone
And I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my turn
And I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from
The corner of my eye
Never really mastered
Disinterest

I can't see how
The way you leave me alone
Makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk
But we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I'm not privy
To what is on your mind
I can't help but feel tired
So tired
So tired


"A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)

But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)


"She's Everything" by Brad Paisley

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowin
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
because she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
My unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah shes everything to me
everything to me


"Pretty Girl (The Way)" by Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love


"Only One" by Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one


"Time To Go" by Jason Fioto

You never meant to stay
You always walk away from everything
And did you stop to see what was going on
You build walls around you every time
You’ve been running round in circles
You’ve been blaming everyone

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know

You went to find yourself
But you never looked behind to see what you left
And did you stop to change the world
What are you looking for
Did you find your pearl
Don’t you think that oh you’re the only one
Who believed in what they said

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know

Now I know what you’re feeling
Tell me that with all your reasons
Too waste tomorrow, it makes it alright
Now don’t look the other
When are you gonna stay
For just one day

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know


"Look Away" by Chicago

When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found,
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else,
I guess I won't be coming 'round.
I guess it's over, baby;
it's really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me;
it'll never be the way it used to be.
So if it's gotta be this way,
don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay.

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers,
we were better off as friends,
that's how it had to be,
yeah, that's how it had to be.
I tell you I'm fine
but sometimes I just pretend;
wish you were holding me,
wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
that I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found.
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."


"Head On Straight" by Tonic

I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I don't wanna be the one who fails
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I struggled all my life with empty moments
The shadow of a hole I never filled
Any happiness I had was empty
It wasn't good enough
I wanted love

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I don't wanna think of life without you
I don't wanna take a step alone
It scares me to think I almost lost you
Just let me know you're fine
I'm on the line

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find the way
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find my way

I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I just wanna know that you're alright

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
You can trust me again
Trust me again

favorite book of poetry..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy at the driving range who yelled obscenities after every swing and the bitch sitting in the driveway of her mansion on the golf course, cheering for runners while wrapped in a blanket and drinking Caribou Coffee..

Friday was a day for a lot of firsts.. for one, i made my first employee cry by "yelling" at her.. it really wasn't that bad but she asks to leave early nearly every day and it was getting old.. so when she told me on Friday that she wanted to leave early, i kinda raised my voice.. then she cried.. then i let her go home because i'm a pussy..

also on Friday, we had our first fire of the summer in our backyard.. it was bittersweet for a few reasons.. one, the Twins were losing 8-3 when we went out so we thought it was over.. eventually i received a text that says "Kubel is my hero", thought it was sarcasm and figured he had struck out a few times.. eventually i learned we had scored 7 run in one inning and Jason Kubel hit a grand slam to give us an 11-9 lead.. i hate missing stuff like that.. another reason why it was bittersweet is that this is the first fire i've enjoyed without the freedom to drink my weight in alcohol.. i was getting up at 6:30 Saturday morning to run in the Earth Day Half Marathon relay and didn't think being hungover was the best way to go about it.. the last reason it was bittersweet is because all the roommates besides me had gals with them (and actually the same gals as last summer, which is shocking).. so they always tell me to get any random, unattractive, slutty girl over but i'd rather sleep in my bed alone than wake up next to something i don't want to wake up to..

i have these unbelievable lounge pants that i wear nearly all winter, especially to bed.. the roommates act like they don't like it because they can "see the outline of my guy parts".. so while i was gone one weekend, they hid them somewhere in the house and it's been about 2 months since they've been in my possession.. i've been told that if i get them back and start wearing them again, Mike is going to walk around the house naked because it's pretty much the same thing.. the pants are so comfortable it might be worth it..

i like when people get in new relationships and start completely ignoring everyone else.. i have/had so many close "friends" that i haven't talked to in forever, which not coincidentally began around the same time they began relationships.. i understand that at the beginning, you're all fired up about the new person and want to hang out with them as much as possible but eventually you're going to want time away from them and all the people who you used to hang out with have given up trying.. one of the main factors in how i feel about a girl is if my friends like her and think she's cool.. and i enjoy impressing a girl's friends and having them tell her how jaw-droppingly awesome i am as well.. plus, a girls hotness factor goes up roughly 13 million points if she's able to hold her own in a crowded room, especially if she doesn't really know anyone.. it shows she's willing to make the effort to get to know your friends and impress them..

got a phone call last week from a girl i used to hang out with.. in fact, it was the girl from a few posts back who i met at a party at our house and then hung out with for a while and then she informed me she liked a roommate of mine.. anyway, i was out "training" for the run when she called so i wasn't able to answer.. when i got home and informed the roommates that she called, they obviously went into boy-mode and tried convincing me that she wanted to have sex with me, although she has a boyfriend.. i never think my luck is that good but she has called and texted me a few times recently so i called her back.. nothing that we discussed made me less confused about how the female brain works..


here's a running diary of my Saturday (times approximate, stories real)..

6:30 a.m.: my alarm goes off.. this upsets me..

6:45 a.m.: my alarm goes off again.. i better wake up.. walk outside to check the weather.. cold, cloudy and hurricane-force winds.. perfect..

6:50 a.m.: to get energy to run 1/4th of a marathon, i eat wheat toast with peanut butter.. then i put on my stretchy shorts to keep the ol' beanbag from bouncing around and minimize chafing..

7:00 a.m.: consider writing my will, since in the past few months i've basically donated $40 a month to the local gym.. figure that's probably too pessimistic..

7:10 a.m.: my sister gets to my house. i immediately ask her if i'm dressed appropriately.. she says no.. i go change.. notice my iPod on my desk but this race forbids them.. i don't grab it..

7:15 a.m.: my brother and his wife get to my house.. the boys are one team and the girls are another.. we're appropriately named "The Slow Guys"..

7:30 a.m.: we park at Halenbeck Hall.. notice all the people that look to be in tremendous shape, i immediately regret the fondness for raspberry Bismark doughnuts i've developed in the past month.. two people are jogging TO the race.. probably from Duluth.. cool..

7:40-8:15 a.m.: stretching and looking for people i might be able to outrun over a long distance with little success.. most people are running a half marathon by themselves.. F that S.. also notice that 97% of people are wearing iPods.. wonder if i should tattle on them..

8:20 a.m.: see someone i graduated high school with and ran in last years Grandma's marathon.. jokingly offer him running tips..

8:30 a.m.: my brother and his wife are running the first leg of our relay so they line up with 1,400 other people at the starting line.. some guy is wearing a tight orange shirt that covers his nipples and nothing lower than that.. i stare impolitely.. and they're off..

8:35 a.m.: my sister and i go into Halenbeck Hall to warm up and watch some volleyball tournament that's going on.. they continue to serve into the net and most of them are fat.. i quickly lose interest..

9:00 a.m.: we still have no idea where the second leg of the relay begins.. might be a good time to figure that out..

9:10 a.m.: we find out it's a mile away.. we reluctantly start running..

9:20 a.m.: arrive to where we need to be.. realize that i dropped my Vaseline Lip Therapy.. nearly have panic attack.. look back to see it's about 20 feet away and being trampled by runners.. i rescue it..

9:30 a.m.: see my brother coming, must have left his wife in the dust.. classy move.. i hand him my sweatshirt and begin my long suicide..

9:35 a.m.: the two women running by me are having a serious conversation.. maybe that should have been done on the ride in..

9:40 a.m.: feel my right calf cramping up.. good, i was hoping this would happen..

9:50 a.m.: come to what i considered the tallest mountain in Minnesota.. if i see a hot tub anywhere along this route, i'm immediately quitting and asking the homeowners permission to use it..

10:00 a.m.: my sister catches up to me and talks trash..

10:00-10:20 a.m.: i struggle to keep up with her.. she tells me that the first leg was 6 miles and the second leg is 7 miles.. i promise myself to not buy her a Christmas gift this year..

10:25 a.m.: see another large mountain we have to climb.. "fuck this" i say..

10:35 a.m.: in the last mile.. my legs are seriously starting to give out.. i remember seeing video of marathon runners who have adequately trained coming to the finish line but the cramping in their legs being so bad that they can't even stand.. reassuring.. notice my sister holding her side and ask if she's okay.. she tells us later that her sideache was so bad it felt like her intestines were in a knot.. running is fun..

10:40 a.m.: cross the finish line at same time as my sister.. they give us medals and water.. my knees feel like all the cartilage has worn out of them.. Ryan (the guy from the bar story a few posts ago) was there watching his girlfriend and comes up to me.. i want to meet her but he doesn't know where she is..

11:00 a.m.: we go eat at Old Chicago.. my brother notices my shoes and asks if i ran in basketball shoes.. i said "yeah, they're the only ones i have".. evidently basketball shoes are like running with cement blocks tied to your feet and wearing running shoes is like running on clouds.. good thing to find out after running the longest distance of my life.. we reminisce about the time we all went to see "The Grinch" in the movie theater and he spilled a large Coke on his lap just as he sat down.. nothing like Coke in the crotch for 2 hours..

12:00 p.m.: get dropped off at my house to shower and change.. probably too early for a beer..

12:45 p.m.: get out to my parents house to hang out with the family.. my 3-year-old niece immediately tells me i'm weird for not eating macaroni and cheese..

1:30-4:00 p.m.: go golfing with my brother.. i play better than expected with every muscle screaming at me.. the first three holes he hits three perfect drives and we can't find the ball.. notice a man-eating muskrat or beaver or something swimming in the river.. "aren't those things mean?" i ask.. "well they're not going to chase you, but i wouldn't go pet it" he says..

4:30 p.m.: i tell my niece i'll give her a dollar if she gives me a backrub.. she touches my back for 20 seconds and tells me she's exhausted.. cutest ever.. i ask her what she's going to buy with the dollar.. "a motorcycle" she says..

5:30 p.m.: barbecue chicken pizza is amazing.. begin thinking that i might be close to not hating mushrooms.. sad day..

6:00-8:00 p.m.: watch the Twins game.. the throwback uni's they wear on Saturday's this year are awesome.. they're from 1982, the first year of the Metrodome.. i wish they'd wear the powder blues on the road like they did back then.. these are much better than their current ones..

8:00 p.m.: get ready to go to the Side for a few drinks with my sister, brother and his wife.. we're all exhausted so we don't want to get too crazy.. my brother and i both ask our sister if what we're wearing looks okay.. i get told that i can't wear shorts because i don't have sandals..

8:30 p.m.: arrive at the Side.. we get drinks and go to a table in the back..

8:45 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.: i try Amstel Light and actually enjoy it.. we discuss the normal topics (why i don't have a girlfriend).. also brainstorm on possible names for a band that my brother might form.. some classics are discussed.. we decide that my suggestion of "Swamp Ass" is the early favorite..

10:30 p.m.: the rest of the family is throwing in the towel.. Ryan has showed up and tells me i can't go to bed at 11:00.. i agree.. my car is at my parents so i ask him if we'll come back tonight.. he says "yeah, probably".. i know he's lying but i also know he has baseball practice in the morning so i'll get home eventually.. we go to the Carpet..

11:00 p.m.: get to the Carpet.. both of us win $40 on the ATM game.. good sign..

11:10 p.m.: we get drinks and sit at a table while he figures out where his girlfriend is.. i notice a heated argument between some hot chick and douchebag.. it's fun to watch those.. eventually while he's spewing drunk nonsense at her, she makes eye contact with me and smirks slightly.. i excitedly tell Ryan.. he says that she keeps looking over at me afterwards.. "i'm going to make out with her later" i tell him..

11:15 p.m.: Ryan tells me that when he gets bored at work, he goes back and reads past blogs of mine.. he was recently laughing while reading one and his boss came by to see why.. he showed her and she started laughing too.. glad i can be the cause of a major decrease in workplace productivity..

11:25 p.m.: see a girl walk by with a disaster for a face and an obviously fake rack.. i tell Ryan to remind me to blog about faces being more important than boobs..

11:30 p.m.-12:00 a.m.: run into two more avid blog readers and am anointed the "funniest guy ever".. that's going on my tombstone.. i'm told that i should put my blogging ahead of my job because people look forward to reading these so much.. that's much-appreciated but i look forward to having money to pay for things..

12:00-1:00 a.m.: Ryan's girlfriend eventually shows up with a friend who she ran with in the race.. Ryan told me earlier that one of the things he likes most about her is that she's independent and doesn't always need him around.. i agree that's a very cool quality.. we notice some other dudes talking to her and putting their arm around her.. i ask Ryan if that bugs him and he says no because he knows she's going home with him (foreshadowing).. Ryan goes to the bathroom and i stand guard of his girlfriend, ready to knock anyone out because i'm a badass with earrings and a tattoo..

1:00-2:00 a.m.: we go do a lot of dancing.. we also notice the girl that was eye-fucking me earlier is close by.. while i'm dancing, i feel hands rubbing my back and arms.. could have been eye-fuck girl or Ryan's girlfriends friend.. either way, i was drunk and enjoying it.. also, while i was peeing, some idiot came in and was pissed because all the urinals were being used.. so he started talking all dumb and then said "now i'll probably get beat up".. as i walk by him, i say "i remember when i had my first beer".. that shut him up and caused laughter from the other urinaters.. i always like to win over the bathroom crowds..

2:00 a.m.: we get outside and realize the girls are nowhere to be found.. Ryan is upset by this ditching and says he wants to drive back home.. i tell him he's not doing that.. eventually his girlfriend calls him and says she's at some brick house on some street.. we search for it..

2:15 a.m.: eventually we find it, she's on the front porch.. some guys that must have owned the place asked us if we were walking home and told us to "have a good night".. we obviously weren't invited in.. a truck pulls up and Ryan's girlfriend runs right by without acknowledging him and she goes and talks to the truck guys.. Ryan has no idea what's going on.. they all went to the back of the house, so we sit on the steps and discuss our options and the fact that all girls should be considered crazy until proven otherwise..

2:30 a.m.: we decide that we'd stay at my place til the morning and then go back to our respective parents..

3:00 a.m.: we get home and he's still texting and talking to his girlfriend's friend to see what's going on.. apparently his girlfriend passed out on the couch, so at least she wasn't whoring around on him.. still it was rude to tell us to come there and then act like we were invisible.. Ryan contemplates going back there.. i'm exhausted so i turn ESPN on and fall asleep on the couch..

7:30 a.m.: i wake up, my mouth tastes like death mixed with expired elephant piss.. definitely still drunk.. Ryan is on the loveseat in his underwear.. "i couldn't sleep with jeans on" he says.. my roommates fiance comes upstairs and tells us they're getting ready to go to their second day of marriage class and today they were going to talk about sex.. i'm sure i said something stupid about people not having sex when they get married.. i get up to get some water and nearly fall over from the soreness in both my calves..

8:00 a.m.: i get back to my parents.. everyone is awake and flabbergasted that i'm awake this early.. i try to hide the fact that i'm still legally drunk.. i drink a gallon of water and go back to sleep off my drunkenness..

did i forget anything Ryan?


Cosmo's latest issue includes a "Hot Fantasy Game".. here are a few favorites:

- You are getting dressed for a big night out and look incredible. As I ogle you from head to toe, I notice a silk tie draped over the doorknob behind you and get a very naughty idea. I pick it up, then lead you to a chair. Gently, I lower you onto it and wrap the tie around your... [finish this fantasy]

- We're on vacation, walking back from the beach, a little sweaty from the sun, a little sticky from the saltwater. Hands intertwined and sand between our toes, we notice a dune off the path, and beside it, a patch of soft grass. Slyly, we glance at each other, then at the same time, rip off our suits, Next, we... [finish this fantasy]

- Leaving a friend's place, we decide to take the stairs. As we go down, you give me a come-hither motion and sprint ahead. Confused, I speed up, my eyes on your ass. I almost catch up, then you stop. Momentum takes over, and my body pins yours to the wall. Panting, I grind into you and hold your arms back so I can... [finish this fantasy]

- We've just been to a wedding, and we look pretty damn elegant. As we head to the car, we hear a clap of thunder. The sky breaks open, forcing us to run back to the reception hall and huddle under a balcony. Our clothes cling to our bodies, and yours are just begging to be stripped off. So I... [finish this fantasy]


Men's Health Tips of the Week

How Nice Guys Can Impress Women

Men always ask us why women won't sleep with nice guys. We will. It's just that jerks have been able to perfect the first-impression package that catches our attention. And in our years as sex-advice columnists, it has become clear that you good guys can learn from the players. Just follow these steps to score like a jerk—without becoming one yourself.

Be Confident
Without this, you might as well forget the next eight steps, 'cause you ain't getting laid. We don't care what kind of Jedi mind trick it takes—a Raging Bull-style motivational speech in the bathroom mirror, or imagining her with a massive zit on her nose—you should force your body to act confident.

Don't slouch; do nod and smile when she's talking; and put your beer on the bar between sips, rather than clutching it like a life preserver. Because if you don't believe in yourself as a sex machine, she never will.

But Don't Be Arrogant
If you lay it on too thick and make yourself the focus (or, worse, the hero) of every story you tell, you know what we'll think? That you're insecure and desperate, and have something to prove. We can spot a Napoleon complex within 60 seconds.

What we like instead is self-deprecation—a guy who can laugh at himself. Make fun of yourself in the past tense. Everyone loves to bond about what dorks we were in high school. It proves that you can laugh at yourself while subtly conveying that you've become way cooler. One boyfriend of Lo's won her over by breaking out his hilariously hideous 1995 driver's-license photo. But be careful not to overdo the self-deprecation, lest you fail the next step.

Don't Whine, Complain, or Bitch
About anything—it's seriously unsexy. If you can't get a bartender's attention, for example, don't sigh loudly and complain about the service—laugh it off and ask her to give it a shot instead. And your problem at work? Don't care! We're drinking, here!

Stop Being So Considerate
Nice guys hate to offend, so they add "just kidding" after every sarcastic comment. It's the equivalent of smiley emoticons. You don't have to be so gushing and eager to please. Poke fun at her girly drink, her jukebox selections, her brick of a joke. You know, the way you made fun of the girls you really liked when you were in sixth grade.

Compliment Her
But make it about something besides her appearance. She's heard a thousand guys tell her she has great skin, so it no longer even registers as a compliment—she just assumes you're trying to get in her pants. But if you are genuinely listening to her (You are, right? Hello?) and you manage to observe something about her inner person, it will get you far, because it's rare.

You could be totally off base, but it doesn't matter: People are always fascinated by a near stranger's assessment of their character. It's kind of like reading a horoscope. If she makes you laugh, tell her she's funny. If she says something sweet, tell her she's kind. If she tells a great story, ask if you can steal it. Years ago, a guy in a bar told Em she had great style, and she's never forgotten it—it's a million times better than "You look hot in that."

Touch Her
After you've developed a rapport, find a lighthearted excuse for a little skin-to-skin contact—like a gentle shoulder punch when she makes you laugh, an elbow touch as you click on some shared delight, or a cozy duet at a karaoke bar. Or drag her onto the dance floor to something like Kings of Leon or upbeat Sinatra, so you can swing around together like a poor man's Fred and Ginger. But don't grope or gaze deeply into her eyes while putting your hand on her knee—she'll think you read some cheesy book on how to hook up (written by a man).

Recruit a Wingwoman
Wingmen are for beer ads. Wingwomen are for closing the deal. When a woman sees a guy with cool female friends, she assumes a) he's a laugh to be around; b) he genuinely likes women, rather than just their body parts; c) he's not desperate; and d) he'll probably still respect her in the morning. Moreover, wingwomen—especially cute ones—create an air of friendly competition.

Your college gal pals make great wingwomen, because you've known them long enough for the relationship to be obviously platonic. Or, if one of your guy friends has a cool girlfriend, invite them both out: Most women in relationships are chronic match-makers. Confide in her that you need her help—she'll be flattered. Then let her work her magic.

Buy Her a Drink
But let her buy the next round. It blurs the lines between pickup artist and pickupee. Let her do a little of the work so she'll relax into being seduced. If you don't, it'll make her more judgmental (and more likely to give you the Heisman). If you insist that she not pay for anything, she'll see you as an old-fashioned control freak who thinks that women who put out on the first date aren't "girlfriend material."

Make Her Laugh
If she's cracking up, she's too busy having a good time to wonder about your motives (not the case if you insist on supersmooth, seriously seductive pickup lines). Sharing a laugh makes her feel you two are "connecting." In fact, it's a far better indicator that she'll go home with you than sharing a kiss. But please, no knock-knock jokes or movie quotes—you have to be witty and irreverent.

Funny stories are always good—Em's fiancé cracked her up the first time they met by recounting how he got chased down by his neighbor's pet monkey after making monkey faces at it. And a cloak of humor can disguise your intentions just enough: Ask her jokingly if she'd like to come up and see your etchings. After all, the truth is often spoken in jest.


What Women Say Makes the Perfect Date

1. Observe the 4 p.m. Deadline
As the big date approaches, women worry that they'll be stood up. This is why there's a 4 p.m. deadline. If you call at 4:20 to confirm the 8 p.m. date, I'll have already made other plans, just to protect myself from the letdown. Call between noon and 4, or risk being set adrift like a hard-luck astronaut.

2. Choose the Location Well
If we live in a city, the first date should be closer to my place than yours—so you can walk me home. You should reach the meeting place on time or a little early. If you're driving to my place, pick me up 5 minutes late. There may be a stray hair that needs taming. And observe proper car etiquette. Always open the door for me, whether or not your car has power locks. Pressing a button does not a gentleman make.

3. Money Matters
Spending too much on a date makes me think you're trying to buy my affection. Or worse. I'd rather see evidence of your personal interest than your interest-bearing accounts. Special note: If you're spending more than $200 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you, you're a sucker. And she sucks.

4. Pay Attention
Girls spend a lot of time getting glam. They also spend a lot of time wondering if guys notice. Respond to my efforts.

5. But Chill with the Compliments
Give me a couple of sincere snaps—but make sure they're thoughtful. If you say you like my smile or my eyes, I've heard it before. Say, "Look at that dimple," or, "Wow, you have great eyelashes." Now you have my attention. Compliment my intelligence, sassiness, or unfaltering talent for ordering the best guac. Now you might get some ass.

6. Introduce Me
If you stop and talk to absolutely anyone, introduce me within 30 seconds without using the words "my friend." Personal details are required. By date six, I should have met all your important friends.

7. Don't Go All Donald on Me
Unless a woman is a hopeless climber, you won't impress her with what you own (that is, if you own anything). Instead, let me discover what's valuable about you, not what you've bought.

8. Notice What I Drink
Ask me if I'd like a refill when I leave an empty glass behind and head for the ladies' room. This makes you attentive and thoughtful. This makes me happy and socially lubricated.

9. Walk Me to My Door
It's a scary world, and I want you to protect me. If you're welcome inside my apartment, I will invite you. Do not ask to use my bathroom.

10. Kiss Me
If the date has gone well, lips must come into play. Even if it's just a peck. It gives me more peace of mind than you can imagine. Don't be discouraged if I hesitate to kiss you in return. I might be shy or nervous because I really like you. Or maybe you have bad breath. It doesn't mean I don't, or won't, want you.

11. Recognize the Kiss-Off
Game over if I don't kiss you on a second date. Take the hint.


Lyrics of the Week

"Kiss A Girl" by Keith Urban

To kiss and tell, it's just not my style.
But the night is young, and it's been awhile and she broke my heart, broke it right in two,
and it took some time but I'm feelin' like I'm finally ready to find, find somebody new

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world
I wanna kiss a girl

It's that moment when you start closin' in
First you're holding back, then surrenderin'
It can start a fire, light up the sky, such a simple thing.
Do you wanna try?
Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world
I wanna kiss a girl

'Cause maybe tonight it could turn into the rest of our lives, oh yeah.
Are you ready? Are you ready..to cross that line, put your lips on mine??

(Put your lips on mine baby)

Do you wanna try?
Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic baby
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But no one should be lonely, I shouldn't be lonely


"The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


"Anyone Else But You" by The Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you


"Good Girls Don't" by The Knack

She's your adolescent dream
Schoolboy stuff, a sticky sweet romance
And she makes you want to scream
Wishing you could get inside her pants
So you fantasize away
While you're squeezing her, you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

So you call her on the phone
To talk about the teachers that you hate
And she says she's all alone
And her parents won't be coming home till late
There's a ringing in your brain
'Cause you could've swore you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
Till she's sitting on your face

You're alone with her at last
And you're waiting till you think the time is right
'Cause you've heard she's pretty fast
And you're hoping that she'll give you some tonight
So, you start to make your play
'Cause you could've swore you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
Till she's sitting on your face

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do
Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do
But I do
But I do
But I do


"Grace Kelly" by Mika

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess Im a little bit shy
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesnt solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like

Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!
ooooooooooh ooh oooooooh
waaa wow


"Heaven" by Warrant

Got a picture of your house
And you're standing by the door
It's black and white and faded
And it's looking pretty worn

See the factory that I worked
Silhouetted in the back
The memories are grey
but man they're really coming back

I don't need to be the king of the world
As long as I'm the hero of this little girl

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say

How I love the way you move
And the sparkle in your eyes
There's a color deep inside them
Like a blue suburban sky

When I come home late at night
And you're in bed asleep
I wrap my arms around you
So I can feel you breathe

I don't need to be a superman
As long as you will always be my biggest fan

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say
We'll find a way (Yeah!)

Now the lights are going out
Along the boulevard
The memories come rushing back
And it makes it pretty hard

I've got nowhere left to go
And no one really cares
I don't know what to do
But I'm never giving up on you

(Heaven isn't too far away)
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends say
I know we gotta find a way

It's not too far away.


"Brokenhearted" by Vaughan Penn

I give you good advice, you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford
But when you're not doing too well
I'll be here, here for you still
A little bit longer

Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?
You're so brokenhearted
I'll fix yours for free
Brokenhearted
Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?

Life gives us both a chance
An equal vote
And it's just the circumstance if it all goes up in smoke
When all the answers you're trying to find
They don't come easy, there's no peace of mind
Somebody's there for you

When all the answers you're trying to find
They don't come easy, there's no peace of mind
Somebody's there for you

I give you good advice, you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford


"The World Ain't Slowin' Down" by Paul Ellis

I found you sitting on a suitcase crying
Beneath my feet,
I feel the rumble of a subway train
I laugh out loud,
'cause it's the one thing I hadn't been trying
The train came in breathless,
The passanger's restless
You say, "Baby, you'll never change"

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey...

Out on the sidewalk,
Pigeon's do the moonwalk
I'll be dancing like Fred Astaire
The lamppost's are rockin,
The whole town's talkin
Like a fool in a barber's chair
And I get the sensation,
The joy and fustration
Like being caught by a tropical rain
Freedom can numb you,
When there's no place to run to
It feels just like Novocane

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
(it's callin out to you)
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey...

You packed up all your handbags,
Throwing off the sandbags
I let go and you stepped free
I didn't want to loose you
You said, "You didn't choose to,
It's just how your karma came."
But thanks for the vision,
And the twenty-twenty wisdom
It hit me like a south-bound train

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
(it's callin out to you)
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go--
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go--
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, it's a big, blue world
It's a big, blue world
Ridin' on a big, blue world