i dare you..

this post is being co-brought to you by sleeveless flannel shirts at the bar and Ice-T's wifes breasts..

a third sponsor for this post is the gentleman in the Gold's Gym locker room last night who was fired up to receive his new speakers "front and back" for his car later this week, and when i left, he was getting into his 1991 Buick Century.

my last post talked about how my family and i would go camping every summer and one of my favorite weekends was Halloween. i found a picture of me as the Ultimate Warrior:

today i was offered a chance to go to Chicago for a work convention in a few weeks. of course, the first thing i do is check the Twins schedule and see that they're in Chicago to play the White Sox a few days after i'd get there. we play them 19 times a year, i think, and 3 of those games are played while i'll be there? you bet your ass i'll be making every effort i can to be circled by Bert.

i've had about enough of hearing the "N" word in every day life. it's not the 1800's anymore. to me, it's personal because my sister-in-law is black, and there's not a nicer person on the planet. if you don't like someone, it SHOULD NOT be because of their skin color, it should be because they gave you another reason not to like them. i hate shit-talkers, if i met one who was another race, i wouldn't group every person of that race into my hatred. it's not funny, it's not clever and it serves no purpose.

anyone know how to use an actual bar of soap anymore?

i lose at least one pen a day at work. i'm going to be a great father.

Sex > Conan O'Brien > Strawberry Gushers > Dave Letterman > Dentist (no cavities) > Jimmy Kimmel > Papercut meets hand sanitizer > Jay Leno > Late period > Jimmy Fallon > Elephants > Alligators > Clowns > Snakes > Shaq giving you a handjob > AIDS > George Lopez.

i want to go to a drive-in movie theater and make out. i'll drive this:

good thing Coors Light came out with those cans that tell you if your beer is "cold" or "super cold". how else would we be able to tell?

the parking lot at our apartment has received some pothole maintenance, so now we're able to look for hotties in the pool area without risking a flat tire. bonus for me, because i'd have to get out of my car and ask them if they had any tools. awkward.

growing up, which of these events caused me to cry (answer is somewhere below):

A) my aunt telling me that if i ate anymore blue gumballs, i'd turn into one.

B) my brother telling me that wrestling was fake.

C) the Vikings overtime loss in the 1998 NFC championship game.

D) an elementary school "crush" giving back the necklace that i stole from my sister to give to her.

E) all of the above.

Nik, thanks for allowing me to steal that. you owed me anyway:

are girls more attracted to a guy who can play guitar or a guy who can cook? i would like feedback to judge which hobby i'd like to get serious about. (note: a few comments like, "Dan, you have everything a girl needs already" couldn't hurt. but let's take this seriously.)

buddy recently bummed out by seeing an ex-longtime-gf with another dude not long ago. was "you win some, you lose some" the proper thing to say?

an ugly heart erases a pretty face. boobs help. but not enough.

you may never hear or read these words from me again if i have anything to say about it, but i turned down sex recently. with a pretty girl. that's all i'll say on that. (cliffhanger).

if you do not have an open bar at your wedding, your marriage will fail.

one of my buddies will randomly text me the names of three girls. it is then my job to tell him which of the three i would marry, fuck or kill. entertaining.

fuck yes:

i think it's fairly safe to say i don't need this "buy two watch batteries, get one free" punch card in my money clip.

do you think the bumps on nipples spell "suck me" in Braille?

the first night i ever wore Very Sexy cologne by Victoria's Secret, i had sex. put me on a commercial with all those chicks with those wings, i'll sell the shit out of that stuff.

quote of the week: "she looked like she had the most perfect nipples, too."

instead of guys going into V.S. and asking girls to try something on because they're the same size as their gal, how about i just get hired to be the "all-time boyfriend" and tell girls what they look like in their lingerie? see, no more awkwardness! except when a hot girl comes out in their stretchy tank top things and cheekies and i start doing cartwheels and making Indian noises and my eyes do that cartoon thing where they come out of your head. and i have an erection.

you know all those romance novels? here are the "cliff notes": guy is an asshole, girl hates him, guy says something that makes girl realize guy is maybe not an asshole, starts raining, guy is cut out of granite, girl "shouldn't feel this way about him" but grabs his "long, hard member" anyway. he has a condom handy. then they orgasm at the same time. you just read a million books. that's worth a personal pan pizza.

if a girl is passionate about something, anything really, it's super attractive. it could be their job, family, reading, a certain band, etc. just something that they get excited talking about. people can see that, and your excitement makes others interested in what you have to say. it's attractive to see someone feel so strongly about something. super cool. my "passions": Vikings and Twins, writing, music, family, and golf is getting close. i could talk about these things to a stranger because i'm confident in my knowledge of these topics, and i have opinions that i'm not afraid of sharing. passion is sexy. (editor's note, i wrote this paragraph before i read the Men's Health column at the end of this post. it has some similarities.)

my childhood.. Twins helmet, "Hulkster" headband... Playdoh?

i ALMOST hit on a random girl recently. here's the story: i've gone to Chipotle several times recently (bad start, stay with me) and one of the gals that works there has caught my eye. shorter brunette hair, curvy, nice butt, always smiling and cheerful.. anyway, i'm at Cash Wise before going to Chipotle, and in my mind i say "if that girl is working and it's the right opportunity, i'm saying something to her." okay, i'm here.. and she is the only one behind the counter. also, i'm the only person in line. this will be simple. she needs more chicken. she's turning around. not sure how she got into those pants. is anyone seeing me look at her butt? concentrate. i'll wait until it's time to pay, say something like "you're really pretty, by the way", blush and go home with my burrito. looking good. no, i don't want salsa, you should know that by now, with all that we've been through. wait. why is "door cockblock" opening? i don't want you here at all. sparks were about to fly, and not just because the new kid in the back with the frisbee size holes in his earlobes put tinfoil in the microwave. ugh... random girl comes in from outside, takes the burrito made lovingly by my Chipotle wife, and rings me up. missed opportunity. think of all the free Chipotle i could have gotten! oh, and the steady sex.

this past Saturday night, we had a work-related gathering at G Allens, a local bar. they offer a t-shirt that says "I found the G-spot", that we can all pretend i don't own. in fairness, i HAVE found the G-spot (i made it to the bar AND i've given a woman an orgasm using only my penis). we'll skip over the boring parts (darts, a guy telling me about his nightly drinking habit, me stealing a penis balloon from a party and wearing it on my head, and me finding a basketball on the floor and carrying it everywhere, except home, evidently.) near the juke box, or whatever they call it nowadays, a gal catches my eye. i referred to her as "Christmas", because of her green tank top and red bra. she was about 5"9", skinny, long brown hair and had brown eyes. the friend that was with her was shorter, not skinny, and had hair and eyes, i assume. they're at the music thing forever, allowing me ample time to simultaneously hope they don't play "Shots" AND mentally undress her and set her on the edge of the pool table. my beer is empty so i go to the bar. "Christmas" and her fat friend (we'll call her "Kwanzaa") are done picking their songs and walking towards me. avoiding eye contact with Kwanzaa, i look at "Christmas". did she smirk at me? i think she did. and why not? i look really cute tonight and just earlier i gave her a mental orgasm on that pool table. i go back to my table to A) tell people about what just happened, and B) brainstorm pick up lines. all the obvious ones come to mind about Christmas and wanting to unwrap her, but those usually get guys slapped in real movies. they usually get guys blow jobs in porn though... eh, if this was a porn, there would be less slutty girls here. i wish i had the fun fact that a coworker shared with me earlier this week about how, if you make a fist with your left hand but your thumb is inside your fingers, you have no gag reflex. i could have explained that to her and then winked seductively. eventually i settle on my "go to move", silently glancing at her from across the bar and making no effort to speak real words to her. okay, she's at the bar with Kwanzaa, i'll go to the bar across from them and see if any eye contact is made. right when i get there, some clown hits on Kwanzaa unsuccessfully, leading to the two holidays making fun of him. is that her smile? why does it look like it hurts? stop smiling! thank you.. i like her boobs.. and she's smiling again.. i go back to my earlier fantasy and bend her over the pool table instead, so i don't have to see her face.. that smile isn't going to work for me.. moving on..

later in the evening, two female coworkers point out a chick in white. she's blonde and (surprise!) has nice boobs. i ask my coworkers if she was the girl that was just at the table next to us and barely knew enough English to form real sentences at that point. (i'm observant). thankfully, it's a different girl. when i say i like passionate girls, i don't mean "passionate about drinking". at this point, a guy with giant biceps who's wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt is chatting her up, and i wonder aloud if he's her boyfriend. another guy says he's definetly not her boyfriend, using the logic of "he's too tan." works for me, chicks hate tan guys with big muscles. one of the coworker girls asks if they should go talk to her. i tell her "it's your party", and they're on their way. i use this time to get in some quality people-watching, which i always enjoy. guys who hit on girls when the girl they're already with goes to the bathroom or outside to smoke. that's classy. anyway, the coworker gals are gone for a good amount of time, so maybe they're making progress. maybe they're going over all my positive traits in a bulleted Power Point production? maybe Danny Bunz should flex something? orrr maybe she's engaged? yep.. she is.. they come back and give me the bad news, also saying that a guy told one of them that she has "nice boobs" and she pushed him away. i cross "you have nice boobs" off the pick-up line list.. and i come up empty handed, as always..

why do guys always have to make the first move? i think it would be incredibly cool if a girl came up to me and said she thought i was hot. and while i'm at it, it's okay to accept a compliment, girls. "you look really nice" doesn't have to be met with an "ugh, i feel so fat today". smile and say thanks.

the answer to the above question is E. every one of those things made me cry...

if you read Cosmo, you're familiar with the "Ask Him Anything" section, where girls write in to ask a male columnist relationship questions. even though my relationship experience is very minimal, i've always felt i'd be good at answering the questions that he gets. i've picked out two recent questions and, without reading his response, answered them on my own:

June 2011 issue with Cameron Diaz on the cover (she looks hot on the cover, she's one that i struggle to say "hot" or "not hot" for sure):

Q: "I went on a great first date... that ended with us sleeping together. I want to see him again but hold off on sex for a bit. Would he think that's weird?"

Me: I wouldn't use the word "weird". It would be confusing to sleep with a girl on the first date and then have her want to "slow down". A guys ego depends A LOT on how much a girl enjoys sleeping with him (in many polls, the main turn-on for guys is how enthusiastic she is in bed). If you suddenly stop wanting to sleep with him with no explanation, he would think that you didn't enjoy it and he'd be hesitant to initiate it in the future. According to girls I talk to, confidence and well-timed aggression from a guy are turn-on's, and you'd be stripping his confidence with the sexual "stop sign". But there are positives. The first date obviously produced sparks and an attraction. The best thing to do is be honest with him. Say something like, "I really enjoyed that night and would love to hang out again. I want to hold off on the sex for a while though and get to know you better." Make sure he knows that you're still interested in him sexually though, or he'll think you like him as a friend. Also know that you'll have to be the one to make the first move when you're ready, he won't want to make you feel uncomfortable. If this guy is worth it, he'll wait it out. If not, get rid of him so neither one of you waste your time.

July 2011 issue with Rihanna on the cover:

Q: "During the past few dates I've been on, I've been told that I'm "intimidating." What does it mean when a guy says that?

Me: It could mean a few things. The worst thing it could mean is that you give off an impression of being stuck up or bitchy, and that's intimidating. The best one would be that you come off as successful and intelligent, and that intimidates him. A simple way to "fix" either: ask him questions about himself - his job, does he like what he does, what would he rather do, his family, hobbies, etc. When he says something that you can relate to, say a few things about it and allow him to ask questions as well. Neither person should dominate the conversation, it should flow easily if it's going well. This way, you appear interested in him (bonus points if you actually are) and you're able to speak about the qualities you have without appearing to put yourself on a pedestal. If your being "intimidating" is an ongoing theme, however, you may need to work on your genuine personality. No one wants you "faking it."


if you're bored, nominate me for "Cosmo Bachelor of the Year". give me about 6 months notice though so i can run through P90X a couple times, or break into Cosmo to learn how to use their airbrushing machine.

the June 2011 Cosmo had an article titled "Dirty Talk that Drives Men Wild" and lists 78 lines that girls have said. i picked out my favorites:

1. "The alarm clock sounded and she hit the snooze button. Then she rolled on top of me and said, 'We've got nine minutes. Let's do this.'"

9. "A few years ago, I was in a deeply meaningful relationship. One time when we were in the middle of having sex, she looked up at me and whispered, 'I love you, I love you, I love you.' That was all it took to take the sex to the next level - it was a type of passion I'd never felt before."

20. "I asked my girlfriend what our plans were for later that evening. She said, 'Well, I'm going to rip off your clothes, use your body like a jungle gym, and ride you like a cowgirl!' I was so turned on that I had a hard time focusing at work that day."

29. "She cooked me dinner, and it was delicious. Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear, 'For dessert, you're going to eat my cake.'"

32. "While we were haing sex on the second floor of a bar in New York City, I said, 'I think someone is coming up the stairs.' She replied, 'I don't care, just keep going.'"

35. ""She got naked and told me, 'This is yours.'"

39. "'I think you're one of the few good guys left.' I dont' normally hear a lot of compliments like that."

40. "I went down on a new girlfriend. Afterward, she pulled me up to her face, kissed me, and said, 'You are amazing at that.'"

47. "'I've never been fucked like that before.' That made me feel like she'd never forget me."

62. "She was lying on top of me, we'd both had crazy orgasms, and we were gasping for breath. She held up her hand for a high five and said, 'Good game.'"

65. "We were joking around, and I was trying to impress her. She rolled her eyes and said, 'Okay, okay. You're hilarious and charming. Now take off your pants.'"

67. "I always love when a girl says 'kiss me.' It's tender and really hot at the same time."


"A Girl Like You" by Pete Yorn

Someday
I'll look into her green eyes
And know that she'll come with me
A girl like you

Too many
Things I do not care for
But one thing that I adore
Is a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you

Tomorrow
I think I'll tell you something
The thing that I haven't said
To a girl like you

And even if
I don't know what the day will bring
Still I can tell most anything
To a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you
It's okay
With a girl like you
A girl like you


Men's Health Tips

The Top 20 Traits Women Want in a Man

Objective
To identify, quantify, and rank the traits that make a man "hot" to women.

Methods and Subjects
We surveyed more than 1,000 American women ages 21 to 54 in two online polls. One was conducted by Opinion Research Corporation, based in Princeton, New Jersey, and the other was done on BestLifeOnline.com.

Results
We organized traits and characteristics according to the percentage of women who ranked them within the top 10 attributes. Women rated traits relating to character and personality much higher than they scored those reflecting physical attractiveness. For example, only 13 percent of women included muscular build as a requisite for hotness, while 66 percent placed moral integrity as a "make me quiver" characteristic. Check out the supporting data.


Top 5 Charcter Traits

84%
1. Faithfulness
More than 8 out of 10 women rated "faithful to me" in the top 10 attributes they find sexy in a man. A woman's tendency toward attachment is a biological imperative, a matter of raising offspring right. Reassure her (often) that you're not going anywhere.

75%
2. Dependability
Three out of four women say they look for a man who makes commitments and follows through. Being responsible—even if it's just remembering to pick up salad dressing on your way over to her place—sends a positive signal that someday you might commit.

67%
3. Kindness
Young women may still fall for the bad-boy type, but more-mature women are turned on by kindness, because kindness inspires confidence. In other words, if you treat the waitress well, your date figures you'll treat her well, too.

66%
4. Moral Integrity
Having the guts to tell the truth means to a woman that you have the guts to be a good, caring, decent partner over the long haul. White lies are okay; just avoid any that are tinged with gray.

51%
5. Fatherliness
Being a good dad (or having the potential to become one) is about being a good role model—and about being patient and caring, qualities women like in a partner. If you're not a father, then tell her about your favorite niece or nephew, or the employee you're mentoring at work.


Top 5 Personality Traits


77%
1. Sense of Humor
Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must, according to the women on our panel. You get bonus points if you can make them laugh. Humor tells a woman that you can laugh at—read, handle easily—the many difficulties that life throws at you.

55%
2. Intelligence
A worldy, interesting man is a man she likes to show off. Men who are take-charge problem solvers make women feel secure, and men who are always improving are never boring.

46%
3. Passion
Why have women always melted for musicians? Because rock stars are passionate in public. Women like displays of passion because they're not accustomed to seeing them from men. Get passionate about something: kayaking, impressionistic art, barbecuing, or Habitat for Humanity. It's proof that you care for and about something beyond yourself.

41%
4. Confidence
A man who feels secure in his own skin makes the woman he's with feel secure. By showing you can handle unfamiliar people or situations, you tell the woman in your life that she need not fear, either.

38%
5. Generosity
This is more important to women over 35 than it is to those under that age. Generosity, however, doesn't just mean springing for dinner at a four-star. Your willingness to give your time and lend your ear is what women crave


Top 5 Practical Skills

53%
1. Listening
Pay attention. A woman feels safe and secure when she knows her man will put down his BlackBerry and listen to her. Magic words: "I'm here. Tell me everything."

48%
2. Romancing
Romance appeals to a woman's right-brained, less-logical side. Every woman fantasizes about being swept off her feet. Romance is bold because you're displaying your desire for a woman and revealing a softer, more vulnerable side that women find irresistible.

35%
3. Being Good in Bed
It's not just the orgasms. A woman knows that a man who takes care of her in bed will take care of her out of bed. (Of course, the orgasms don't hurt.) Your enthusiasm for her body is more important than your sexual prowess.

23%
4. Cooking, Cleaning, etc.
Self-sufficiency means you're not going to expect her to be like your mother. Learn how to make one or two killer breakfasts or dinners, and you'll win her heart.

21%
5. Earning Potential
One in five women surveyed said a man's successfulness in his career contributes to his sexiness. If you've demonstrated talent, goal achievement, and follow-through, you give women confidence that you will be a good provider.


Top 5 Physical Attributes

30%
1. Sense of Style
The way you dress reflects on the woman you're with, and she knows it. The man who knows how to match a patterned shirt and tie will notice when she's dressed well, too. (And maybe he'll pay for the Blahniks.) Keep your tailor and your dry cleaner busy, and spring for posh, touchable fabrics like cashmere, suede, pima cotton, and brushed corduroy.

26%
2. Handsome Face
The science of attraction, which has been studied ad infinitum, says it's all about symmetry. Imagine you have a dotted red line (Nip/Tuck style) vertically through the center of your face, down your nose. Are your features similar in form and arrangement on both sides of the line? Do your eyes and ears match up? The closer one side mirrors the other, the more attractive you are. Women in cross-cultural studies have also ranked men with broad chins, high cheekbones, and large eyes as the most attractive. Best way to improve your looks: Smile more, and make certain your sideburns are even.

15%
3. Height
Tall, dark, and handsome isn't the be-all and end-all. Women say they like feeling smaller than their men, but height doesn't necessarily mean might. They will feel comfortable as long as they aren't towering over you.

13%
4. Muscular Build
Spend more time with the bathroom mirror and less time with the gym mirror. Nearly three times as many women value a clean-shaven face over the clean and jerk. Muscles help ward off rivals and assure a woman that you won't drop her during a dip, but your overall appearance is more important than the size of your biceps.

12%
5. Fitness
Women recognize a good body as indicative of a man of discipline and self-control. It tells a woman you can keep up with her, in bed and out.

the quiet screaming..

this post is being co-brought to you by pajama jeans and "Weinergate"..

a while back (over a year ago), i had a semi-crush on a gal and was scared to ask her out. if you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that this isn't all that uncommon. in my life, i have officially "asked out" two girls. so i went to a female friend for "tips" on what to do. other than, you know, actually speaking to this girl in person. as you know, i'm shy and self-conscious around new girls (new people, actually) and this female friend knew this, although she didn't understand it. this is the same female friend and time period in which she "polled" several girls about what they thought about my looks, which i wrote about here in December: http://fluentlysarcastic.blogspot.com/2010/12/santa-claus-is-coming-to-town.html

Additionally, she has a little background in psychology, and her and a friend had a discussion about my "underlying demons", for lack of a better term, and allowed me to see if any of it was right. here is what ensued, in a condensed version to make sense:

Female Friend (FF): Ooh, not sure if I should talk about him. Neither of us know him well enough to know whether we are right or wrong.

Other Girl (OG): And your point? I think it would still be fun. Ask him how close we get!

FF: I have this odd sense of respect for him.

OG: Ahh, I see what you’re saying. Is it really respect or is it more like attracted to?

FF: Did you even look at the picture? What woman wouldn’t be? Physically he is very appealing! Open your damn eyes woman! ;)

OG: True, true, very true.

FF: Eh fuck it, let’s go for it! I’ll obviously give you a few obvious points: I find no reason to believe that he suffers from multiple mood disorder, multiple personality disorder nor suffer from psychosocial dysfunction. However, he has proven me off base with my judge of personality with him!

OG: How so? You are usually a very good judge of character

FF: I was way out of touch with what I believed and what was true with him. I truly thought he was a self-absorbed, conceited playboy that was over indulgent on his physique, thought he was above everyone, that he stayed single to be a “man-whore”, that he was all looks, no brains and truly believed he was an alternative music man. WAY wrong…couldn’t have been more cold than an ice cube.

OG: Here’s what I think. He suffers from none of the above. But I believe he has a nerve issue…anxiety or depression? He is obviously worried about his appearance, but not to the extent of being obsessed. He probably chooses to be healthy and fit, not starving and dwindling away. Know if he has suppressed physical issues? Was he a chubby child? You say he’s a mama’s boy and I believe that she is his savior. He found comfort in his family and his mother was probably a little more comforting (come on, we are mom’s now, we know how that works with our baby boys!). She was and still is his security blanket, his rock, his stone and he needs her there for him. He has a slight self-esteem problem. I do not see him to be the one to stand in front of a mirror and say “Good Morning Gorgeous!” More like, “Shit, gotta do more oblique exercises”. Again, derived from a physical flaw in his younger years. Though he may be smiling from having fun, he’s mostly masking what it is that’s making him nervous. I bet he has a problem sleeping often. He can’t shut his brain off and he is constantly worrying. Yep! Anxiety… He doesn’t stay single to be a “Whore”, he’s afraid. He probably believes that he is un-worthy in some way, that he doesn’t meet his own expectations so how would he meet someone else’s? He is the polar opposite of a man-whore, he probably had his share of one nighter’s but he’s got the feminine characteristics and puts feelings and emotion into sex. Plus, he will have to find a woman that is comfortable enough with the love he has for his family. That can be a breaking point for women sometimes (dumb people). I believe he is a moldable man, but truly the woman that lands him shouldn’t change him. She will throw him out of whack with his routine and he needs a well rounded routine to stay “sane”. He has to be one of those open the door and pull out the seat for you kind of men. I just have a hunch…

FF: I have no idea. But what you are saying is how I picture him now. I see him being one of those “lean on me” kind of men. People can feel confident he will keep their secret, but he would be torn if it would be one of those secrets he knows should be told. Make sense? I also see him as being soft hearted. He would care so much that he would take on their pain and make it his own. Idk, I’m all kinds of confused by this one.

OG: It makes perfect sense. I know someone like that…ahem. It’s actually a great characteristic to have, but hurtful as well. Hey, let’s pick up where we left off later. I gotta go.

FF: I think we should just drop it. I almost feel bad for picking him apart. I have a soft spot for the poor guy.

OG: If he is anything like what I perceive to be true, it would be hard not to. Toodles for now….email me and we can catch up with this. I’m going to go look up a few things, betchya he has an anxiety disorder and I’m going to find the one he has!


i'll dispell a couple of the comments. one, i've never had a one-night stand. wouldn't be totally opposed to it but i like the relationship stuff a lot more. two, i have ZERO problem sleeping. i'll wake up just to take a nap. i've always had a super weird sleep schedule (more on that later).

but a lot of the things they talked about were true. i love my mom more than anything, and she's definitely my rock and person i go to when i need someone. i have never woken up and said "good morning, gorgeous", at least when i was alone. i love being someone people can trust and go to with their issues. and obviously, i have the anxiety issue where i don't feel i'm good enough. so for not really knowing me very well (and one person, not at all), they really got close to who i am as a person and what my "psychology" is. i know she'll be reading this, so thanks again for the dissection :)

don't make someone new in your life pay for stuff that people in your past have done. it's understandable to a degree that, if you've been burned every other time, you're going to be expecting the worst. but what fun is that? why "expect" that this person isn't right for you before you get to know them? i've been pushed away by girls in the past because their previous guys have verbally abused them or whatever. why should i pay for that before you know who i am? the last time i yelled or hit a girl was when i was like 10 and my sister pissed me off when we were rollerskating in the basement and i hit her in the back. in between sobs, she informed me that i was going to grow up to beat my wife. that obviously scared the shit out of me because i still remember that moment. and i've never raised my voice or fist to a female again (good looking out, Nik). now, maybe i'll raise my voice to a girl in the future, but it won't include the words "slut", "whore" or "bitch", i can promise you that. maybe people get so used to getting treated badly that they think they deserve it. you deserve what you allow yourself to deserve. if you keep going back to people who are wrong for you and you know it, then i have no sympathy for you. expect to be blown away and as happy as you can be, everyone deserves that, and everyone deserves a clean slate.

my brother just texted me a picture of a golf course he's at in Iowa. i'm sitting at my desk at work, watching the custodian walk by. immediately hate both of them.

the shower at our apartment has two temperatures: "lava" and "hotter than lava". glad it's been chilly out recently.

one of my favorite things is finding new music or musicians. the app Pandora is great for this. if you're someone who does not own a smartphone (Nik, BK, Fred Flinstone), Pandora plays music that is similar to the artist you choose. so if you like Kenny Chesney, you'll get country music. if you like Dashboard Confessional, you'll get Jack's Mannequin, Quietdrive, Boys Like Girls, etc. if you like Dave Matthews, you'll be tied down and waterboarded because evidently you enjoy being tortured. i have 7 "stations", and whenever i hear a song i like or a band that has a cool sound, i'll write it down and look them up later. if i had to give up television or music, it'd be a very easy choice for me.

we should send more reporters into areas that are incredibly dangerous, like war zones and hurricanes. how else do we know how dangerous it is?

if you own a fanny pack AND have whiskey plates on your truck, you confuse me.

not much more uncomfortable than watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene coming on.

actually, this was close: watching obese women hold up lingerie on each other at Charlotte Russe in the Mall Of America on Saturday. i don't know if i had a vote but i think it was clear when i took my glasses off, rubbed my eyes and shook my head.

speaking of obese women, when did it become acceptable to use your bra as a cell phone holder? is reaching into your pants pocket really that much work?

working next to an 84-year-old woman today when "Forgot About Dre" comes on Pandora. she thought it was a good time to take a break. she came back to "Gangsta's Paradise" and "P.I.M.P." i might be fired tomorrow.

i wish i could write for a living. looking back, i wish i would have went to college for creative writing. that, or psychology. i love writing to entertain, and i love helping people and learning more about how people think. when i need to calm down or relax, i feel incredible after writing. i feel incredible after yoga. i feel after reading Cosmo in the sauna (it's my guilty pleasure). and sex heals many things. i don't recommend it for healing herpes.

overheard this sentence recently: "finally found where the storm shelter in our trailer park is."

i'm biased, but two of the best uniforms in sports history are the Minnesota North Stars and the Minnesota Twins baby blues from the 70's and early 80's:





on the topic of hockey and baseball, how come a hockey player can take a frozen slab of rubber off the nose at 90 mph and come back after 5 minutes, but baseball guys strain a shoulder muscle when they rub on their Vagisil?

if my mom asked how a game went, that game was pretty important to me. mom's know everything.

i came home from the gym last night, my roommate was showering so i laid in my bed waiting to use the bathroom. when he's done, he walks into my room wearing only pink boxers with white polka dots and says "i've been waiting for you."

i've seen enough porn to know what my role is if i walk into a room and a woman is half-naked and touching herself in front of a cameraman with her eyes closed.

text of the week: "Remember when ______ ate out ______'s bisexual roommate who was ugly?"

runner-up text of the week: "this guy at the mall just had two hot girls beg him to come over and sit in their hot tub... that will never happen to me."

recently, a girl Googled three Twins players because she "knew i thought it would be hot". that's hotter than her actually knowing three Twins players. Mauer, Perkins, Baker :)

my mom and i have complete opposite sleep schedules. she'll go to bed around 8:00 p.m. and wake up around 4:00 a.m. even on weekends. these days, since i'm a big kid with a full-time job, i'll go to bed around 1:30 a.m. and wake up around 9:30 or 10:00. back when i still lived with my parents and only had a part-time job, i would chat with babes on AOL instant messenger til like 1:00 a.m., THEN i would go make a pizza and watch "Boy Meets World" and "Full House" until about 4:00 a.m. when my mom woke up. then i'd go to bed until noon. then wake up to take a nap.

ESPN's Rachel Nichols is hot, right guys? i feel like there's only two ways to feel about her and both are extremes.

growing up, our family would go camping at El Rancho in Richmond about 4 times a summer. my aunt and uncle and cousins family would also camp that same weekend. the times spent have created some of my favorite memories growing up. if it was nice during the day, we would spend it swimming or boating. towards the later years, i was getting to the point where i thought boobs were cool, and on the beach there were girls who had bikinis on. and those bikinis had boobs in them. so that was cool. i can't even remember most of the crazy things we did. of course we stole some beers from our parents coolers at night, i think they drank stuff like Natural Light and Busch just to make us hate it. at most, i'd have 5 sips and call it good. we would spend most nights at the "lodge", which is where all the arcade games were and the pool table. i fucking owned some motorcycle racing game there at one point, that's probably why i grew up to get pierced ears and a tattoo. can't keep a bad boy caged forever. we sat there through tornado warnings, freezing rain on Memorial Day, everything. every weekend had a theme. my favorite was Halloween in August. all the kids would dress up in costumes (i was usually a wrestler, in fact i distinctly remember being Ultimate Warrior at least once) and trick-or-treat to the other campgrounds. of course, you'd find the ones that gave out the best/most candy, go off and switch costumes with your accomplice and come back for more. hey, we were probably drunk. i remember one time at the "lodge", there was a dance. now, i was probably 9 or 10 at this point but i remember thinking one gal there was particular foxy. she was probably like 5 years older than me (hunting cougars already) and i was scoping her out all night. even back then i knew i didn't have much game to spit, so i let my pool playing do the talking. evidently, it didn't talk very loud because she ended up dancing the last song ("I've Had The Time of My Life" from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack) with some hillbilly who probably tried feeling her up on the beach later that night. and i went back to my tent depressed. i'm almost over it though, i've learned other girls have boobs.

girls, you know how you feel "ugly" after sex because you're all sweaty and your hair is all over? it's not ugly. it's the hottest fucking thing ever.

where i work, i'm able to see a lot of funny names (we ship several hundreds of packages a day). today i found my porn name: Danny Bunz.

my favorite wrestler name of all time? Dick the Bruiser.

heard some stories recently. one involves a male who tried to finger a girl but ended up scratching her vagina. admittedly, i'm not an expert on the female anatomy, but i've managed to get my fingers in there without incident. knowing me, i was probably one-handing the bra strap at the same time. be gentle boys, and clip those finger nails. it's not a scratch and sniff sticker.

that being said, i injured myself the first time i licked a vagina. pretty sure i hyperextended my tongue. this is a true story, i think i was a little too into it and went less "pretend it's an ice cream cone" and more "i think she wants me to taste her fallopian tubes". then that thing that attaches the bottom of your tongue to your mouth hurt for a few days. good thing i didn't WebMD that thing or i would have thought i had some sort of tongue disease that gave me 2 days to live.



What The Woman in Your Life is Really Thinking

When you look into a woman's eyes, you probably often wonder, What is she really thinking? You truly believe that you want to know. Poor thing. Your curiosity is stronger than your fear.

Very well, then. Every woman reacts differently, but my account here will scare the bejeezus out of you by coming pretty damn close to what your wife or girlfriend was thinking at various points in the arc of your relationship. Psychologists are standing by to help you understand—and deal with—us women.

Here's what she was thinking . . .

The Night You Met
Are you actually hot, or have I just made that up so I won't get bored and eat all this bread, which is awesome? I can't believe I have to be nice to your friend's girlfriend, who is phenomenally stupid, in case I want to date you.

Finally! You're looking at me. Chin's okay. Nice eyes, mouth . . . wait. Is your hair kind of gay? Oh. You looked away. I didn't like you anyway. I'm bored. I want more bread.

Wow. You just totally smiled at me! If you hadn't, I would have just stopped talking to you, and you would have thought I didn't like you. But I wasn't going to be the one to stick my neck out, because that's your job. I wonder if your friend's girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don't ask her to be in our wedding?

The First Time You Picked Her Up
Why aren't you here yet? My breasts look so good. But I'd better not catch you looking at them, because then I'll think that you think I'm easy. I have the greatest life! I am so pretty. You're 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You're 10 minutes late. I'm totally going to be a single mom.

Oh, wow. Here you are. I am so crazy. You're cute. Like the suit—a little rumpled, neat but not trying too hard. If you want me to fall in love with you, you're going to have to do something about that hair.

When I disappear briefly to get my jacket, I think I'll take off my underwear so I don't have panty lines. But I'd better put them in my bag in case you take me to a place that sells wings or jalapeño poppers. I'm classier than that, can't you tell? I'm already mad at you, imagining you taking me to a place like that.

On Your First Date
I blame you for my monologue in the car about my parents' dog's nail fungus. If you don't ask me a question in 5 seconds, we're not meant to be. Okay, 10 seconds. Fifteen. Ah, finally: "Do you like your job?" A little stiff, but you made the effort, and you are so lucky you said something before I reached 100.

Excellent restaurant choice—elegant but not stuffy. The hostess doesn't have our reservation. Great. Now you're going to freak out on her and embarrass me . . . Oh, you just said, "No big deal. We'll get a drink at the bar while you work it out." I'm aroused by your restraint.

Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn't want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don't like you anyway.

I have to think of something flirtatious to say, to see if you respond favorably. Thank goodness I've only had one drink, so I'm still aware that "I'm not wearing any underwear" is not a good choice. Did you just say the wine list looks "approachable"? "Tell me you did not just say the wine list looks approachable." Whoa. Did I say that out loud? That was mean. Why do I have to be sarcastic when I'm feeling needy?

Oh, you're blushing and saying, "I'm just nervous because you're really pretty," and now you look embarrassed you said that. But trust me, it was the right thing to say. We're such a good couple. It's totally cool if your friend's dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can't be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.

The First Time You Kissed
I am putting my bare feet on the couch next to your legs. Wow. If you didn't get the memo on that one, you're past hope. Maybe you just don't even like me. I am making this really easy, dude. My toes are now touching your leg. Did you watch me walk to the kitchen and decide my ass is too fat and now you're trying to think of an excuse to leave? Do I say something? No. My job is to wait for . . . wow, your hand is on my knee.

You're pulling me toward you. I am scared you have bad breath. Not too fast, very good, start off slow. I want to feel like you're dying to sleep with me but not like you're worried I won't. I can't believe I need everything to be perfect; it's going to be my undoing. I wonder if I'll date when I'm a single mom.

Closing my mouth a bit to slow you down worked. This is good. I should get one last thought in before I stop thinking, which is to remind myself to keep my underwear on. Oh. Right. Well, you can't touch where my underwear would be if I were wearing any.

Your First Time in Bed
Should I put my legs up in the air, or is that too much? Why am I having sex with you? Oh . . . why not? I remember when I was younger and thought I was going to be a virgin when I got married. Now that is funny.

I am so glad I didn't eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you're on top of me. It's so weird that I'm always thinking about getting married. I wonder how many times I have to have sex with you before I can make you buy better sheets. I wish I were more like you. You don't seem to have a whole lot on your mind.

When She Accepted Your Proposal
I am so in love. I am also relieved I'm not going to be a single mother. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know why there is a giant ring associated with getting engaged, because every time I look at it, I feel enormously soothed.

the rescue blues..

(writer's note: as i'm finishing writing this, the lights at my work are being turned off.. the things i do for you kids.. it's Friday night, you know how many girls have texted me for dates?? none, i was somehow talked into the life-long Verizon plan that forbids females i'm not related to from contacting me..) anyway, here we go..

this post is being co-brought to you by mustaches and jean shorts..

i usually start out more serious and get sillier along the way, so i'll continue that trend. recently i found two Bob Marley quotes or something he wrote, and they just blew me away. i posted them in the "notes" section of my Facebook page but who reads those? i'll post them and then comment on them afterwards.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."
— Bob Marley

how cool are those? i could write an entire blog on what i want and what attracts me and how i envision my life to be when i find the right person, but those two paragraphs are perfect. i like that stuff more than the average guy, i've seen too many relationships be "just okay" and people stick with them because it's easy. don't settle because it's "comfortable" and "easier". why be less happy than you can be? who makes you happy? who do you look forward to talking to at the end of the day? who do you trust to be there in any situation? who could you do nothing with and still have a great time? who knows what to say to cheer you up? who do you want to impress, but know you don't have to because they like everything about you? find that person. you're not going to share interests in every relationship. who cares? it would be boring if you both liked all of the same things. you have to do your own thing sometimes so you enjoy the time together that much more. i'm telling you, when i'm with someone i like, even "boys nights" are spent thinking about her. of course, i enjoy the time spent with my friends, but you think "i wonder what she's doing" "is she thinking about me?" "what funny thing is happening that she can't wait to tell me about?" you need that time apart so you don't drive each other crazy. and if the person you like is passionate about something, try to learn as much about it as you can. they'll appreciate you wanting to know more about something you love. for example, my sister and her boyfriend have been together 4 or 5 years. he's big into hunting and fishing, she never was before him. now she hunts and fishes with him constantly, she's caught giant muskies and shot turkeys. why? because she loves spending time with him and she knows how much he cares about it. i've also heard people say things like "he's talking about marriage now, i don't know what i'll say. i mean, there's nothing wrong with him." well, there's what's wrong. the person you spend the rest of your life with should excite you and make you happy. you shouldn't be "on the fence" about it. of course, it takes time to get to know someone and find that out, but if you know the person extremely well and they don't stand out as someone you can't live without, it's not worth saying you'll be there forever. i'm not trying to say everyone has to do it the way i'm explaining it (the romantic way?). that's not right for some people, and i'm not right or wrong. it's just how i am. just look for the person who makes you feel like those Bob Marley quotes. that's what it's all about.

i'm reminded about something my brother told me on the drive up deer hunting a couple years ago: "girls are weird, man. even if you find a cool one, they'll still do things that drive you crazy." you just have to find the one who makes the "crazy" worth it.

i'm not a very "manly" man, but if the fire alarm keeps beeping while i'm trying to sleep at 4 a.m., the force in which i rip that fucking thing off the wall would make a nun wet.

we need to set up a course to teach elderly people how to operate self-checkouts. i can coast through my entire grocery list in about 2 minutes, meanwhile it takes them 4 1/2 minutes to scan their Ensure and denture cream, with 6 "please wait for assistance"s.

on that topic, i can't walk past anything that says "4 for $3" without buying it. sounds like one hell of a deal, even though i'm probably saving about 15 cents on those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. the fact that i have two eaten by the time i get home probably isn't helping the new love handles either.

anyone ever keep Listerine in their mouth for 30 seconds, like they tell you to? not possible.

when in doubt, do the opposite of whatever the guy in black jeans is doing.

i haven't been in Hollister in years. is it still a Jimmy Eat World concert at 5 million decibels? does anyone work there who has not won homecoming king or queen? why didn't the bracelet-thing i bought years ago bring me to a whole new level sexually?

i've never seen a fat female meteorologist.

anyone see the trainwreck that Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife with? i will never condone cheating but isn't the point to be with someone better looking? I'm not a huge Maria Shriver fan but this woman (who is named Mildred, if you're scoring at home) looks like a transvestite. Tiger Woods cheated with several women and not one was better looking than his wife. So, not only did they intentionally hurt someone they "loved", they also severely lowered their standards in doing so. why get married? if you're that kind of person who can't resist temptation, why not wait until you don't travel all over the world by yourself and aren't put in those situations? i'll never understand it. maybe because i don't have hundreds of gorgeous women throwing themselves at me, but i'd pick the one who looked the best making pancakes in the morning and tell the rest to take a hike.

96% sure i got frostbite while volunteering for the Salvation Army in December. I had the opportunity through my church to ring the bell for them in front of Cash Wise for two hours. of course it's the coldest, windiest day of the year. knowing me, you'd think i'd forget mittens or something obvious. i didn't. but i did wear tennis shoes while standing on frozen cement for two hours. i'm an idiot. but anyway, i had to go inside Cash Wise twice to take off my shoes and rub feeling back into my feet. they haven't been un-cold since. it was worth it though, with so many people thanking me for standing out there. i'd do it again in a heartbeat, but i'd mix in some boots.

is there a better feeling than fingernails being ran lightly up and down your back?

looked out for a coworkers sex life recently. he and his gal both work where i do. she wanted him to do something he didn't want to (weird) so i said something like, "she'll pay you back tonight." she's like "can't, i'm on my period." i said, "gross. well your mouth isn't." sometimes i say inappropriate things. luckily most everyone i work with understands my personality and that i'm just being silly.

if anyone ever dies from blow job overdose, my money is the guy who shot Osama bin Laden. i might be last.

watched a few episodes of "When Animals Attack" recently. i'm sorry, but if you're putting your head inside an alligators mouth, i have zero sympathy for you when he tries tearing it off. it's a fucking alligator, he eats humans for fun, what are you expecting? and don't get me started on bull riding. nothing makes me happier than when a bull tap dances on some guys ribcage after he falls off. except maybe when he drags the guy around the edge of the ring and his forehead bounces off all the fence posts. should have majored in accounting.

if i eat more than one doughnut, i feel like a bear that just woke up from hibernation.

is there a worse feeling than seeing a spider, going to get a tissue to catch him, then coming back and he's nowhere to be found? the first place i look is my pants, obviously, like the spider grew wings and flew to me in another room. then i'll spend the next half hour tearing things apart, eventually conceding that i'll swallow him in my sleep.

i cried when my brother told me wrestling was fake. now, i was pretty young, it's not like this was two weeks ago. but through stories from my family, i was into two things from day one: sports and wrestling. when i was three, my mom tells me i would ask every night "is wessling on?" not sure it gets much cuter than that. i'm only talking about wrestling because last week, one of my favorite wrestlers growing up passed away. Randy "Macho Man" Savage had a heart attack while driving and crashed into a tree. in the summer, i would bike the 5 miles into Movies and More nearly on a daily basis to rent wrestling movies. it still blows me away how anyone can think for a second that any part of it is real. the good guys (babyfaces) and bad guys (heels, look at me with all this wrestling lingo) came out from behind the same curtain. they're all 250 pounds and punching each other in the face, but they don't bleed and they rarely fall over. they throw each other into the ropes and allow the other guy to flip them over their back, like they didn't see it coming. but it's entertainment, and i grew up loving it. now, i'll read autobiographies from some of my favorite wrestlers, just to learn more about the behind-the-scenes stuff. who actually hated who, what went into certain angles, etc. definitely nerdy but i've been called worse. one event that still haunts me to this day was just a random show, probably "Saturday Nights Main Event", where "Rowdy" Roddy Piper was attacked in the dressing room, and his "assailants" put his leg in a folding chair and stomped on it. i remember screaming and crying during this, i'm sure my family was laughing like crazy but it's still a memory to this day. now i follow "Rowdy" Roddy Piper on Twitter (along with several other wrestlers). it's come full circle :)

watching "Cops" the other night, they were doing a prostitution sting. the cop (dude wanting to pay for sex) picks up a whore (doing whore things). they have the following conversation:

Cop: "do i need a condom?"
Whore: "mmm.. no."

why would you? she's only a hooker.. i'm sure that thing is clean..


a buddy recently said the following sentence, speaking on behalf of all straight males:

"finishing in a girls mouth.. doesn't get much better than that."


keeping with that theme, i'm going to post a few texts from "Texts From Last Night", that might be too risque for Facebook. not that that's stopped me before.

(864): just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside.

(315): mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

(562): if we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

(609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
(201): We better fuck soon then.

(313): her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

(608): im almost positive that in mud thrust she told me she was pro choice

(518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

(914): she was bad bro. like.. id rather put my dick in a blender.

(314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, "whats this thingy?"

(516): whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break?"

(918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you.
(580): Really.

(908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

(713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
(512): babe, don't say it like that!"
(713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.

(772): i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me

(203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
(603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow.


the coolest non-sexual thing i've ever been told was, "i feel so safe with you" while cuddling. granted, this girl's previous relationship was abusive (at least verbally), so maybe it was less me and more the fact that i wasn't calling her a whore.

i'd share some of my favorite texts that i've received (sexual and non-sexual) but a person who shared a womb with me also reads this and i don't think she's interested in those. you're welcome, Nik. remember this at Christmas.


another one of my favorite lyrics:

"So Impossible" by Dashboard Confessional"

So she says
"Everyone's going to the party,
won't you come if I come
with a friend for your friend?
I'd be so pleased to see you
out of the classroom wearing the smile that I'll bring you.
I was hoping to learn a few things like..
Do you do you like dashing the dirt
on the whole class or
talking the big smack or
playing the fool or
wearing all of the latest fashions
or bucking the new trends
wearing your old threads or
if you like coffee in the evening
These are a few things that I'd like to know
that I'd like to know"

So I say...
"I've been scheduled to work but I'll call in
and my friend isn't busy
he'd be happy to join me
and maybe my friend
and your friend
will hit it off or maybe we will?"

I'm dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible or only the practical
or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just
don't quite fit in
yeah do you like them
So yes, I'll see you there.


Men's Health tips


9 Ways To Be the Perfect Girlfriend

Laugh With Us, And At Us

Men don't measure mates against the Victoria's Secret catalog. In fact, only 12 percent of us say that superficial stuff matters more than a woman's sense of humor, smarts, or sweet demeanor. That trio proves irresistible to more than 75 percent of our readers.

But of the three, sense of humor is most important—it serves as our mental matchmaker. "It's a sign of intellectual compatibility," says Billy Goldberg, M.D., coauthor of Why Do Men Fall Asleep after Sex? "You can't just be a laugh track. Men want a woman who is as comfortable relating her own ridiculous anecdote as she is listening to ours."

Humor actually serves three roles. First, it defuses awkward situations, says David Borgenicht, coauthor of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex. So the dinner your guy just charred is hilarious, not disgusting. Second, it identifies common ground: "Really? You loved Blades of Glory, too?" And most important, it shows your spine—our high-school yearbook photo or encyclopedic grasp of baseball stats probably deserves to be skewered, after all.

So go ahead, take us down a notch. Wield your humor wisely and we'll be hooked for good.

Take Your Affection Outside

Ninety-seven percent of Men's Health readers, which is as close to unanimous as it gets, want a woman who's willing to show her love in public. "Men want a woman who's confident enough in her sexuality to make a move, no matter the circumstances," says Neil Chethik, author of VoiceMale.

That doesn't mean you should suck face at the Four Seasons. Subtle displays—a close kiss during a walk, a graze of his thigh in the car, even a smoldering look shot across a crowded dinner party—can stoke his fires. His hips will tell you how passionately to pounce: Only half of all PDA-friendly guys want a full-on makeout session in public. If he moves closer, that's your green light to heat things up.

Kiss Us When We're Down

Men want a partner, not a caregiver. More than 67 percent of Men's Health guys are begging for an end to sappy, smothering moves like fixing our errant hair or straightening our collars.

What's a caring girlfriend to do? "A man wants to be with someone who will defend and support him," says Chethik. It's easier for him to accept help from you—to admit that he has a weakness—if a specific event or issue is bringing him down." In other words, help us fix our problems, not our character flaws.

So bring us soup when we're sick in bed; lift us up when a work project is stomping us down. Help a man feel secure, like you've got his back, and he'll want to spend time with you. Stifle him and he might start looking to escape.

Compliment Us - Carefully

We love that you love our abs. But we hope that isn't all you love about us. "A man wants to hear that no matter how he looks, there's something deeper you find sexy about him, whether it's how he tells a story or how he touches you," says Chethik.

Our Men's Health guys agree: Only 8 percent say they like to hear about physical qualities, but 66 percent want you to pinpoint an intangible quality, something we uniquely possess. Be sincere and specific: "I love how safe you make me feel" trumps "You're so great" any day. Bonus: You're reinforcing his efforts to care for you.

Impress Our Friends...

You're smart enough to grant your man the occasional guys' night out, right? Good. Boxing out a man's friends is a relationship deal breaker, according to 83 percent of the men we surveyed.

But make the most of that long leash you've granted him. Look at his best available pals as fix-up material for your solo friends. And if he's planning a pub crawl, meet his crew at the bar, buy the first round, then peel off so they can spend time together: "You have a blast with the boys, hon. I'm going to head home and relax." He'll keep you in mind all night long, and later on his buds will gripe less when you're on a date during the NBA playoffs (if it's game two, in an early round).

"It's important for her to relate to his friends," says Dr. Goldberg, "not just tolerate them."

... And Let Us Meet Yours

We're jealous. We admit it. And we hate that side of ourselves as much as you do.

We're not prudes, mind you. We know you flirt, and 79 percent of us don't mind, provided only words—not phone numbers or caresses—are exchanged. "Men want to be with a girl who radiates, someone who makes other people say, 'Wow, she's interesting, engaging, and attractive,'" says Piven. "We want her to be social with other men without being blatantly seductive."

So introduce us to your buddies. We'll feel less threatened by the other men in your life if we're friendly with them, too. You might even invite us to tag along for after-work happy hour once in a while. If we're mingling at a bar or a party, you don't need to hang on our every word, but reassure us every now and then by making eye contact across the room.

Smooth Our Moods

Men aren't immune to mood swings; we're just more likely to bury them. When we're not acting like ourselves, simply say, "You look wrecked. What's up?" If he starts spilling his soul, resist the urge to coerce him into a dialogue—34 percent of guys only want you to listen.

"Men want women to be sensitive but not intrusive, which is a delicate dance," says Eli Finkel, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University. For a guy, simply telling you about his troubles can be enough, without trying to resolve them.

If that doesn't work, divert our attention. Helping us forget about that overbearing boss or obnoxious friend is the preferred coping mechanism for 32 percent of Men's Health guys, according to our survey.

Reinvent Foreplay

Slow-burning sex isn't better only for you. "Longer foreplay helps men synchronize with their partners, giving them confidence and, as a result, better control over ejaculation," says Seth Prosterman, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist in San Francisco.

Perhaps this will shock you, but foreplay is important to us, too. More than 75 percent of our guys say they want foreplay to last 15 minutes or more, which ought to please the 84 percent of women who agree.

Here's how to warm him up and clue him in. Start the seduction on a sweet note, with your man on top. Guide his hands, stroking his palm the way you'd like to be touched. Your magic phrase? "Like this." That's all—he'll get the point. Slip one hand down the back of his shorts, just below the waistline, and pull his pelvis toward you, showing him the motion that turns you on. Don't forget your line: "Like this."

Next, switch positions—you on top. Slowly kiss him along his neck and collarbone. Linger by his belt line, looking up at him as you kiss his abdomen. Repeat your refrain, and work your way back up to his lips. Switch positions again, and repeat.

Know What Really Turns Him On

New positions are nice. Experimentation with toys or lotions can be fun, or at least interesting. But what turns men on most in bed, according to 39 percent of the guys we surveyed, is your unbridled enthusiasm (followed by confidence, at 35 percent, and creativity, at 17 percent).

"It's a turn-on to know we're pleasing you," says Dr. Goldberg. "If the experience is more interactive, it makes all the difference." Perhaps that's why 87 percent of men say "just lying there" is a serious turnoff, and 57 percent of men say that silence is a sexual downer.

So let him know what he's doing right. Grip the sheets. Beg. Plead. Demand. Make it less like a handshake and more like an earthquake (as long as you're actually feeling it). "All great sexual encounters deliver that sense of validation that you really have something special," says Prosterman.

In fact, your over-the-top passion can help a man feel closer to you emotionally—something more than a third of our guys singled out as the most important part of unforgettable sex.

creep..

This post is being co-brought to you by the guy with the cut-off flannel shirt at Benton Station on Saturday and Bling H2O, which is a bottle of water that costs $2,600..

right out of of gate, i'm going to talk about girls. a recent conversation with my sister/best friend, Nikki ended with her telling me, "you have the worst luck with girls." do i necessarily think that "nice guys finish last" stuff that you always hear? no. but i do think girls go through phases where the bad guy is attractive because it's a challenge. i try to look at it in more of a "save the best for last" thing. and if good things come to those who wait, i must be getting something amazing because i've waited a long time. the reason i have bad luck with girls probably has a large part to do with me and my mindset. for example, in recent years, girls that i have liked and they liked me (in other words, i've had sex with them) have ended up a) having a crush on my roommate at the time or b) still having feelings for her ex her verbally abused her on a consistent basis. it's hard to trust someone when everyone you've ever opened your heart to has let you down. so, those things, along with my anxiety (i know people probably get sick of hearing about that, but it truly affects my mindset with girls) cause me to not pursue girls for fear of rejection. i'm in the terrible spot of having super high standards but super low self-esteem, so if i like a girl, i think there's no chance she likes me back. so in the rare cases where a girl shows interest in me, i tend to be all in because a) i want to make sure she knows how i feel and b) i never know when that situation is going to come around again. i know it's unattractive to have low self-esteem, and it's something i'm definitely working on. i'm trying to be more outgoing with girls and telling them what i want or the things i like about them. it's always a fine line between telling someone the truth and them thinking you're kissing their ass to only sleep with them. i've never been like that. if you knew how inexperienced i was sexually, you'd laugh at me (it's happened). i mean, you'd think that in 27 years, 10 months and 324 days that i'd at least take a wrong turn into a blow job at some point, right? (sorry Nikki). sometimes i wish i could be more like other guys and sleep with random girls but 99.9% of the time i like that i'm picky. i know i don't have any diseases or kids in Massachusetts or anything, that's comforting.

Here is a list of traits of people with anxiety:

-Extremely analytical
-Emotionally sensitive
-Over reacts
-Sensitive to criticism
-Low self-image
-Need to appear in control at all times
-Obsessive thinking
-Inner nervousness
-High expectations
-Worrier
-Hypochondriac
-Sensitive to negative stimuli
-Often, never feels “good enough”
-Easily hurt
-Prone to guilt
-Tend to be a pleaser
-Avoids conflict
-Overly concerned about others opinions of you
-The mind races too fast
-A great need for approval
-Excessive Fear of failure
-Excessive Fear of health issues
-Work very hard to appear together
-Second guessing yourself
-Worry about being embarrassed

Every one of those traits fits me. Of course, a lot of them are negatives but in a way they can be positives too. i think most people with anxiety make great employees, managers, spouses, parents, lovers, etc. because they're people pleasers and they try hard to make others feel better. but when you're trying to be "good enough" for someone else, and you have high standards already, it's crippling. when you have low self-esteem, you don't believe in yourself. you're insecure and you almost never feel worthy. you don't like the way you look, you're uncomfortable in social situations. quiet time scares you because you obsess about your lack. how can you expect someone else to like you if you barely like yourself?

i think i want the same things in a girl that most guys do, just to the extreme. i love confidence, intelligence, a fun personality. a positive outlook is a must, i hate when people are always negative and look at the worst in situations. so you get a flat tire in the rain, big deal. that's life. make light of the situation and you'll be in a better mood. trustworthy people are so hard to find these days, if you find one, hold the hell onto them. if you have someone who has your back through everything, you can make it through anything, i truly believe that.

i'm a romantic. i'm the kind of guy who will text or call in the middle of the day to tell you i'm thinking of you. or i saw/heard something that reminded me of you. i smile when i get a text from the gal i'm crushing on. i want to make her feel special because she's with me. this scenario plays out in my head, but the coolest girl ever is the kind who texts you to come fuck her on your lunch break but then later in the night, she has to be all professional for something. someone that can play every role well. i'm not asking for a lot, am i??

just a recent example of how my mind works so much differently: a few months ago, i was invited to go to the Cities to the Toby Keith bar, right up my alley because i love country music. it was the first time i'd been there. on my drive down to my friend Ryan's house, i was in a Facebook message conversation with a girl that i had only seen in person a few times but had been crushing on based only on her status updates and pictures (lame, i know). but i think i'm a good people-reader (my past with girls notwithstanding). i could tell she was a good person, funny, cute personality and she's fucking hot. now, nothing should have led me to believe that this girl liked me in any way, but the entire time in this bar, i was checking my phone to see if she sent me anything. i even got called out on it by one of Ryan's friends, who told me that there were hot girls "looking" at me (whatever) and that i needed to be less involved with my phone. he shut up quickly when i showed him a picture of the girl i was chatting with. actually, he shook my hand. other guys, who are probably smarter than me, would have put the phone away and tried to hook up with random boombalotties. but i get one girl in my head, and until i find a reason to make her leave, that's how it stays.

my mom keeps hounding me about finding a girl too, which doesn't help. i'd love to bring a girl to holidays with our family. both of my brothers are married and have kids, Nikki has had a boyfriend for 4+ years and they just bought a dog together, so they're basically married :) sometimes it bugs me at holiday things that i don't have that significant other to buy things for or to share moments like that with. recently, my mom spent some time in the hospital due to complications from emphysema and COPD. she was only there 5 days, but the first couple were scary for me. she went in on a Saturday, so i went to see her in the emergency room and she was hooked up to oxygen and just looked exhausted doing nothing. she walked to the bathroom without oxygen and came back completely unable to breath. it's situations like that when i wish i had someone to call and talk to or share my concerns with without fear of being judged or laughed at. of course i had my brothers and sister and dad, but it's just different, right? that night, i left the hospital, tears started the second i said goodbye to her. when i got to my car, i bawled for 5 minutes because i didn't know for sure if everything was going to be okay. luckily, she's back to normal now, but how much easier are situations like that with someone to fall back on?

the moral of the story? i have no idea...

if you read, or even if you don't, read "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. i'm not super religious, i believe in God and i pray every night, but this book was incredible. i don't want to ruin anything, it's a true story. the author is a pastor and his 3-year-old son suddenly becomes ill. the doctors misdiagnose him for a few days, eventually finding out his appendix has ruptured. by this time, there's very little hope of survival. during the boys surgery, his father finds a secluded room in the hospital and yells at God, "how can you do this to me?!", this and that. eventually the boy makes a recovery, and over the next few months tells stories about what he saw in Heaven for 3 minutes. absolutely incredible stuff, will move you.

my favorite part of "Swamp People" on History Channel is that they have subtitles for everyone, even though they're all speaking English.

i've been in Walmart quite a bit lately, here's something i've noticed: parents having 13 children running all over the store and they're screaming swear words at all of them. i want to bring them to the condom aisle and tell them to stop having fucking kids.

"hey, did you get my last text?" - ugly people

can you guys keep a secret? i'm a good dancer..

why do fat guys wear shirts when they go swimming? we know you're fat.


the favorite text i've received since the last time i've wrote?: "you're intelligent, attractive, funny and sweet... plus i'm a good people reader... i think you have great potential for what i'm looking for :)"

second favorite: "i like everything about you Dan ;)"

third favorite: "my friend seen me smiling at my phone and goes 'you're talking to a boy!' Lol. it's a kool-aid smile ;)"

"it took me an hour and a half but eventually i got him to come." - my sister's boyfriend talking about turkey hunting yesterday. perfect "that's what she said"..

there's no way to put a positive spin on me eating the leftover Halloween candy i just found in my desk at work at 9:17 p.m. on May 16th.

girls who wear cowboy hats immediately become 3 million times sexier. send me all your cowboy hat pictures. wear one of those white stretchy tank top things. and a smirk.

the biting of lips is always a good sign that someone likes something you've done sexually. i HAVE actually seen this.

received this compliment today: "your stream of consciousness is amazing". my stream of unconsciousness is even better (read: i like naps).

whenever i reach in my pants and find extra money that i didn't know about, i remember that girls can reach in their pants and find a vagina. then i get depressed and buy candy.


recently had this text conversation with a friend:

Him: "_______ texted me this morning, said she wanted to give me something. it was sex :)"

Me: "fuck you"


drinking is less fun as i get older. at work, i hear a lot of stories about college kids going out and spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol and i'm so glad i'm out of that phase. i never really was in that phase (still have not puked from drinking, to this day) but i used to enjoy going downtown and getting a little crazy. at this point, i'd much rather spend time sober or drinking casually with people i enjoy being around in a relaxed setting. and watch "Wheel of Fortune" before our shuffleboard tournament.

As of this afternoon, God's Facebook page had 2,120,373 "likes". Kim Kardashian's had 5,235,921 "likes". not impressed.

is Avril Lavigne still alive?

if i'm in a traffic jam, i say things like "there better be a fiery crash up ahead or i'll be pissed."

anyone else get nervous when you're told "this call may be recorded for training purposes?"

last Friday, I got hit on by an elderly lady at the gas station close to work. i stop every morning at the Holiday station on Hwy. 15 to get coffee. on my way out, and her way in, i hear "hey cutie!" i turn to look, and this elderly woman is pointing at me with a big smile on her face. i smiled and said "hi!" and she said "you're cute!".. then she took out her dentures and we made out.

my favorite lyrics of any song, the end of "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional:

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.


Men's Health Tips

"15 Reasons She Has Sex With You"

Remember when you first discovered sex? In your 6-year-old mind, your parents had done the dirty twice—once to conceive you, and a second time to crank out your little sister. Then, around the 6th grade, you realized that propagation is only a small part of sex. In fact, it’s just one of 237 reasons humans hook up, according to a recent University of Texas study. Although you don’t need a white coat to explain why you love sex, her motivations for sealing the deal often seem rather . . . mysterious. Fortunately for you, the researchers surveyed hundreds of women to pull back the sheet on sex. Here are the top 15 reasons she sleeps with you, and how to, ahem, encourage her along.

1. You're a Good Kisser.

Your move: So what if you're not a hormonal 16-year-old. You're never too old for a steamy makeout session—in fact, a well-executed kiss could be your golden ticket to the main event. According to a recent study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology, women are far less likely than men to have sex with a bad kisser. Sounds easy enough, right? Not so fast, cowboy—her definition of a stellar smooch may differ from yours. The researchers found that guys preferred wetter kisses with more tongue action than females did. Here's what turns her crank: A partner who makes the first move, smells fresh, and caresses her while kissing. Oh, and pop in a breath mint. Women rated the taste of someone's mouth as more important when deciding to continue kissing than men did.

2. It Seems Like the Natural Next Step in the Relationship.

Your move: You’ve wined her, dined her, and wooed her, but still, no sex. The missing link? Commitment—it's key to sexual motivation in women of all ages, according to a recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Don't panic: It doesn't necessarily require a ring. Research has repeatedly shown that making personal disclosures signals investment in a relationship. In other words, sharing intimate details shows you're emotionally in it for the long haul, encouraging her to move forward physically.

3. You Caress Her.

Your move: Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second, scientists report in the journal Nature Neuroscience. These “C-tactile” nerve fibers (also found on the legs and face) send signals to the limbic system, an area of the brain associated with trust and affection, says study author Hakan Olausson, M.D.

4. You Make Her Feel Sexy.

Your move: Establish your compliments safety zone. "Listen to the things she says about herself. Watch the way she reacts when you touch certain areas," says Chris Fariello, Ph.D, of the Council for Relationships. This clues you in to the body parts she's insecure about—and lets you know where to tread lightly. "You may give a compliment, but she can turn it around and hear a negative," he says. "If she's self-conscious about her butt, and you say, 'You have a great, round butt,' she hears fat, not great." When it comes to her sensitive spots, stick to universal compliments like, "Your butt looks great in those jeans."

5. She's in a Romantic Setting.

Your move: You know the old cliché: Whisk her away to an exotic location, and you're sure to score. That’s probably true, but not for the reasons you may think. It’s less the destination, and more the shared intimacy of "otherness"—or of being outsiders—that sets the mood, according to a 2005 study in the journal Tourism Management. Book a trip for two to a foreign country, and prearrange a tour guided by a local, which creates a greater sense of intimacy and disclosure, the scientists say.

6. Your Physical Appearance Turns Her On.

Your move: Meatheads may rule your gym, but in reality, women prefer muscle definition over muscle mass, according to a recent UCLA study. When 141 women evaluated photos of shirtless men, they ranked lean, athletic-looking bodies as more desirable than both bulky and skinny types. Study author David Frederick, Ph.D., says that women perceive men with big muscles as threatening and also know that it takes time to build all that brawn—time you might not spend with them. "They're looking for signs of not only health and fitness but also a potential commitment," he says.

7. She Wants to Feel Emotionally Close or Connected.

Your move: Start foreplay outside the bedroom—by raving about the free donuts at the office this morning. Sharing upbeat details about your day strengthens a relationship, say researchers at the University of Utah. Talking and listening “helps maintain emotional intimacy,” explains study co-author Angela Hicks, Ph.D. The study also found that venting about stressful incidents didn’t dampen a partner’s mood.

8. She Wants to Please You.

Your move: If you’re striving for the Big O, start with the Big C: communication. "She may not have the sexual confidence to take charge," says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. "You need to let her know what turns you on." In a recent Boston College study, people indicated that talking about sexual behavior—sharing fantasies, turn-ons, and sexual dislikes, for example—resulted in both better sex and greater desire. Candidly chatting about sex helps her feel close to you, while also boosting her confidence in pleasuring you, the scientists say. The key: Initiate the talk outside the bedroom—79 percent of "unsatisfying" sexual conversations occurred between the sheets, the study reports.

9. She's Caught Up in the Heat of the Moment.

Your move: Even if she rolls over, it's not too late to heat things up. Sidle up and spoon her (without poking anything into her back)—cuddling causes her testosterone to surge, a recent Canadian study found. Increased T levels may cause androgen receptors in her clitoris to switch on, leading to arousal, the scientists say. Bonus: Women feel more sexually attractive the morning after cuddling, the study found. Steamy shower sex, anyone?

10. She Realizes She's in Love with You.

Your move: A big business deal going down in Tokyo? Don't hesitate to raise your hand for the job. Turns out, the old adage is true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. A recent American Psychological Association study found that during travel-related separation, homebound partners’ positive feelings—closeness, meaningfulness, and mutual appreciation—declined, but then surged to an all-time high upon reunion. Just make sure to call while you’re away: Greater telephone contact during separation was key to minimizing negative feelings once the traveling partner returned.

11. She Thinks It's Fun.

Your move: First, show her how fun you can be outside the bedroom. A recent study in The Journal of Psychology found that women were 25 percent more likely to consider a man attractive if he had a good sense of humor, and were 31 percent more likely to consider him a suitable mate. Try exchanging naughty jokes via email while you're apart—this adds an element of fun to your all-day foreplay.

12. She Needs Release or Feels Horny.

Your move: Propose a horror movie marathon. "Being scared is physiologically arousing, and in the right company, it may eventually carry over to sexual arousal," says Joanne Cantor, Ph.D., a professor emerita of communications at the University of Wisconsin, who studies the ways people are affected by media. After the movie, she may find your glances more erotically charged and your touches more stimulating, she says. If your date isn't into over-the-top terror, à la Saw VI, watch classic thrillers instead, like The Silence of the Lambs.

13. She Wants to Express Her Love or Affection.

Your move: Forget the elliptical, and ask her to hit the weights with you. A new University of Connecticut study found that resistance training increases free testosterone levels in women—a spike that also occurs when she’s head over heels. In a 2003 study, Italian researchers found that women who had recently fallen in love had testosterone levels twice that of non-smitten women, while a Canadian study found that women's testosterone also rises before intercourse. After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: "Male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does," says Louann Brizendine, M.D., author of The Female Brain. "So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."

14. She Wants to Experience Pleasure.

Your move: Give her a massage to trigger blood flow down below—in her feet, that is. Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.

15. She's Attracted to You.

Your move: If you hope to take her home, you better play nice—tough guys don't wow women, a recent study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found. When researchers presented women with scenarios of men being harassed or insulted by other men, they preferred the guys that detached themselves from trouble. Someone spill your drink at the bar? Clean up, walk away, and slowly smile at her as you pass. Guys who let a smile spread across their face were rated as more attractive and trustworthy than those who flashed a grin, according to a 2007 British study. "Women see this subtle delay as being more genuine," says study author Eva Krumhuber, Ph.D. To reinforce that perception, tilt your head slightly sideways when you smile, a move that tells her you're caring, not conceited.


"10 New Places to Have Sex"

If men weren't great explorers, we never would have found America, the Rockies, or scrambled porn on channel 99. So why should our entire sex life always take place in the same spot? Here's our list of the best places to fool around.

1. On The Washer.

Your washing machine produces more vibration than any other appliance in your home. When your butt's on the lid, the motion is transmitted through your pelvis, essentially turning your member into a life-size vibrator.

2. In The Vault.

To really add some spice to your sex life, make a quick stop at your bank. A safe-deposit-box room is quiet, the door is locked, and there's no camera. It's a great place to make a deposit and withdraw.

3. At Victoria's Secret.

The best dressing rooms for sex are at Victoria's Secret. Sometimes they have love seats in there. Ask the saleswoman if you can go in to make sure you like what your girlfriend is trying on.

4. In a Beanbag Chair.

You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in ways you're not accustomed to. Doggy-style sex works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (the chair, not you).

5. During Christmas at the In-Law's.

Bring the kids' gifts—wrapped, but in a bag. Say you haven't wrapped them yet and duck into a spare room.

6. A '57 Chevy.

That's our nostalgic choice. For more practical men, it's the Ford Excursion, which measures a romp-friendly 227 inches long. As one salesman put it, "It'll hold 36 sheets of half-inch plywood between the wheel wells." Which is one way of thinking of it.

7. A Large Swiss Ball.

The ball can actually help improve your depth of penetration, if you're in the right position. Sit on the ball and have her straddle you, facing away from you. Hold her hips for balance, and use the rocking motion of the ball to thrust in and out of her from behind. Do one set of at least 50 repetitions.

8. A National Park.

If the missus likes to vocalize, pitch your tent in Alaska's Denali National Park, where 6 million untamed acres and a crowd-thinning permit system leave little risk of waking the neighbors. She'll gasp in delight when the midnight sun bathes the Big One (that's Mt. McKinley, buddy) in salmon pink light.

9. The Elevator.

Try a freight elevator. It won't have an alarm, and you can stop it between floors for more privacy. Try this when you and your partner are helping a buddy move into a new apartment. Pack the front and sides of the elevator with boxes; leave the middle clear.

10. The Garage.

At a friend's party, offer to fetch some more beer, then slip out the garage door. Nobody will think anything of you being away for 20 minutes, and you can always hide behind the car if you hear someone coming.


"The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman"

1. "Good morning."

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

3. "I can't stop touching you."

4. "Want to join me in the shower?"

5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."

6. "I love how you taste."

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

9. Her name—her full name—followed by a "Wow."

10. "I'll get the light."

11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."

12. "No one's ever done that before."

13. "Can we do that again?"

14. "I love your [fill in body part here]."

15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.

16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

18. "I'll go make coffee."

19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."

20. "Let's play hooky today."

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."

22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.

25. "I'm ready to go again."

26. Damn, I've missed you."

27. "How about a massage?"

28. Playful laughter.

29. "Don't ever leave me."

30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."

Santa Claus is coming to town..

This post is being co-brought to you by the two guys at Gold's Gym who worked out wearing an "Old Beaver" t-shirt and jeans, respectively..

Okay, first of all, I feel the need to explain my prolonged absence from the blogging scene. For those of you who don't care about my health or only read this for the "humor", skip this part. As I've written in the past, I've dealt with the physical symptoms of anxiety for the past few years, and it's caused me to miss out on a lot of things that I wish I could go back and do. I never felt comfortable in certain situations, and I would avoid them if I didn't know how my body was going to react, and worrying about it only made it worse. It was a vicious cycle. My anxiety came from having terrible self-esteem and not feeling good enough/smart enough/attractive enough/etc. etc. Finally in 2006, I started getting all the physical symptoms that you hear coincide with anxiety (tingling in arms and legs, stomach/back pain, dizziness, trouble breathing, heart palpitations). With all that happening at once, it only freaks you out more because you think something is horribly wrong with you, you don't realize how powerful your brain can be. I still have bad hypochondria, where every new sensation or feeling in my body, I Google search that shit and find the worst thing possible and convince myself I have it. Plus, 85% of people with anxiety have at least mild depression; which makes sense because how can you not be depressed when you're anxious for years and don't know how to fix it? Anyway, a few months ago i decided to do something about it. I was watching TV late one Sunday night, all my roommates were asleep, and I saw an infomercial about an anxiety and depression program. A bunch of people who had went through the program did their little testimonials and said what a life-changing program it was, and with how I've felt in the past, I decided to do anything I could to change and enjoy life again.  I seriously never was relaxed; my mind was always racing, I didn't enjoy anything. The program is called Attacking Anxiety and Depression, and it's certainly not cheap. But I ordered it that night over the phone and received it shortly thereafter. It consisted of a workbook, 15 weekly session CD's and 3 miscellaneous CD's.  One was to be given to friends and family to help them understand anxiety and how to help. Now, to someone who doesn't have anxiety or has never felt the symptoms of it, you're probably just saying "why don't you just not worry about it?" or "just relax." It's just not that simple. When your brain has been telling you negative things about yourself for the past 20-some years, you begin to believe the lies that you're not good enough, and eventually it's unbearable to be in certain situations, or even just live your daily life because the symptoms are non-stop for some people. Who wants to go out with friends when their entire left arm and leg are tingling and they can't breathe? So it really bugs me when I hear people say that anxiety "isn't real" or it's "all in your head." 4 out of 10 people will deal with anxiety in their life and seek medical help for it. Several others will go un-diagnosed, or they'll treat themselves with alcohol, drugs, bad relationships, etc. It doesn't mean people with anxiety are weak, it means the chemistry in their brain has been unbalanced due to the years of negative thinking they've put themselves through and accepted from others. So for the past few months, I've been working through this program which is almost a bit like having homework on a daily basis. You're encouraged to keep a journal about your daily feelings and situations that cause you anxiety, with me I struggled with being assertive, especially at work; I'd allow myself to get walked over and end up doing work that I needed to be delegating to others, so that was big for me. Just simple things like talking to girls that I'm attracted to is something I've struggled with my entire life and i'm still not where I want that to be. I'm almost finished with the 15 weeks, and of course it doesn't end there, it will be a lifetime change, to think positively and be more confident.

Along with just the workbook and the CD's, I signed up for sessions with a "life coach" once a week for 15 weeks and it's probably the best decision I've ever made. Again, it was very expensive, but if it helps me become confident and have a better self-esteem it will be worth every penny. She calls me once a week, usually on Sunday nights and we'll go through the session for that week and discuss things I should do the coming week that will help me (make eye contact, eliminate caffeine, exercise, be assertive when you would normally not say anything, etc.) One of the biggest changes I've made for myself has been to attend church. It's a non denomination church a block away from our house that gives a positive message once a week. You grab coffee before it starts, come dressed as you are (Vikings jerseys are common) and sit there and listen to cool Christian Rock music for a half hour and then the pastor give a cool sermon with real life examples, tying things from the Bible to modern day situations. I'm not pushing it on anyone but i've always known that when I have a family, I'll want to attend church regularly, so why not start now? Through the church, I was allowed the opportunity to ring a bell for the Salvation Army for a couple hours a few weeks ago which was rewarding. It's fun to see the good side of people when it's usually the negative people that take up the most time in our brain. Several people thanked me for ringing, which I didn't expect at all, but they knew it was voluntary and that I took time to do it. Now, I still get anxious episodes but i'm confident that using these skills that I've learned through the program, I'll be able to deal with the anxiety a lot better in the near future. So that explains my absence for the past few months..

Along those same lines, people who know me know that I struggle with my self-esteem and avoid talking to girls I think are cool and pretty so I can avoid rejection. A female friend decided to take a "poll" of girls that she knew to see what they thought about me, based only on looks.  I know we should hate being judged only superficially, but my appearance is something I struggle the most with. So she had them look at two pictures of me, one where I was topless like 3 years ago and another normal one where I'm smiling (below). Here's what ensued:


"This is Dan. He has recently told me how afraid of rejection he is (I know right?). He is hesitant to ask a "hot girl" on a friendly date because of this rejection BS. Beyond the picture I have attached, these are a few things I know about him: 1. He is very laid back, 2. He is very respectful, 3. He is concerned with his appearance though he works on his physique, 4. He is not conceited, 5. He sure loves his family and it is important to him, 6. He likes to have fun, 7. He is rarely in a "bad mood" 8. He likes a variety of music but mostly find him listening to country, 9. He constantly smiles, 10. He is an easy person to get along with and talk to...there's probably a lot more, but we need answers tonight, ladies! So here's what I am asking of you, I just want you to answer this question in a few words, from what you read/see, what do you think of Dan?

Here are the results, the good, the bad and the downright nasty. I'm really sorry, I never knew how disgusting we women really are!

“mmmm”
“NICE!”
“Are you fucking serious? What’s his deal? Wonder how many skeletons are in his closet”
“Holy shit! What? Why?”
“He’s got a pretty fuckin’ nice body…does the brain match?”
“Damn…was hoping it was a nudy pic”
“Oooh the things I could and would do to that one”
“God he has a nice smile and gorgeous eyes”
“What about the butt? Seriously!”
“I’d love having that eye candy”
“Pony up cowboy”
“All I have to say is wow”
“I may be married but I’m sure not dead. If my husband looked like that, we’d never leave the house!”
“Just wondering if anyone else wonders this too. How big is his cock?”
“I’d eat him up”
“Grrrrr mmhmm”
“Can he be the shirtless bartender at the party this weekend? Oh hell, I’d even let him do it nude”
“What a wonderous land to explore”
“I shouldn’t be doing this considering I am horny and it’s been a long while….so I refuse to comment”
“I think he should just ask her on a date, she’d be a lucky girl”
“How old is he?”
“Got his number? I would love to have a good night of fucking with no strings attached”
“Hoo Ha”
“hot DAMN”

There are still a few coming in about this. I think I have opened Pandora’s box! Damn horny bitches haha Hope you realize just how ridiculous you are for being so self conscious. Not only are you a pretty face, but you are a damn sweet man from what I know."


I think girls that go off the Pill without saying anything should go to jail for life. I'm not joking either. I've heard stories about girls that "forgot" to take their pill and just assume everything was fine. Once you forget one day, it takes like a month before it's effective again (I've read a lot of Cosmo..) Personally, a girl can say she's on the pill, I'll do what I need to do protection-wise, and I'll still be rooting for her period harder than I'd root for George Lopez to get cancelled. Is sex worth all the worry? Of course it is.. But girls, don't surprise us with a "we need to talk" if you misled us.  It leads to a lot of unnecessary worry.

How many mall Santa's are sex offenders? 94%?

Saw a comedian over the weekend who I thought was hilarious, and he made a great joke and a great point at the same time. He made a few homosexual references, and then said "I'm not gay. Sometimes I wish I were gay because it pisses off stupid people and that excites me."

I'm confused as to why Gold's Gym has their handicapped parking as far away as possible. Also confused why handicapped people are going to the gym.

Here's a play-by play of my recent hockey career: a roommate and I walk into Dunham's to look at hockey skates. He's browsing those while I go check out the assorted equipment. I throw on some gloves, walk over to him, throw the gloves down and throw fists at him. Employees glance worriedly at us. I put back gloves. I grab a stick and start slap-shotting in the aisles, until the world's largest splinter pierces my hand. I scream "fuck!" louder than I probably should within the earshot of children and tell the roommate that I need to go the hospital. I show him the wound and he asks why there is a tree in my hand. When we finally get home, I spend 20 minutes with a tweezers trying to save my hand. After I apply my cartoon Band Aid, I decide I'm not nearly tough enough for hockey.

I miss playing games like "Jail House Jail Break" or "Capture the Flag" when I was a kid. We always had get-togethers at my grandparents house and all our cousins would be over and we'd play games in the dark. God, I hated hiding in the woods behind the house. Of course someone always ended up getting severely injured. I've broken a wrist and a collarbone at the hands of my cousins during these innocent games. It doesn't help that I'm a huge pussy and weaker than water, but that's besides the point.

Money means nothing to me when i'm on iTunes. I'll buy entire CD's of people I've never heard of. I need to be stopped. A month ago, I bought two CD's of something called "Skillet." Seriously, who the F is Skillet?  Also, I'll spend too much money on golf stuff, coffee and pretty girls.

I was lucky enough to be invited to a Twins playoff game this past season and it happened to be the last game played at Target Field this season. I'm always baffled at how drunk some idiots get and the chaos they cause. In the section we were in, there was an extremely drunk guy being belligerent. Near the front of our section, there were a few Yankees fans wearing NY hats and shirts, etc. So this drunk idiot felt the need to throw shit at them and yell swear words until someone in our group called him out on it and told him to act like an adult. He cleverly asked us if we were Yankees fans, despite the fact that all of us were decked out in Twins gear, and then called us pussies, blah blah blah. Finally, he left in the 8th inning by himself to a smattering of applause. I don't like the Yankees either, but these people paid just as much as we did to enjoy the game without being hit in the head with shit and verbally abused. Not only that, but I'm sure there were some young kids around who had to witness this and learn new swear words, which I'm sure their parents appreciate. It's never funny and it only ruins everyone's experience. If you take sports so seriously that it causes you to act like a toolshed, maybe it's time to re-evaluate things.

Girls look hottest in those white stretchy tank top things and cheekies from VS, if you're keeping score.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” - Bob Marley