favorite book of poetry..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy at the driving range who yelled obscenities after every swing and the bitch sitting in the driveway of her mansion on the golf course, cheering for runners while wrapped in a blanket and drinking Caribou Coffee..

Friday was a day for a lot of firsts.. for one, i made my first employee cry by "yelling" at her.. it really wasn't that bad but she asks to leave early nearly every day and it was getting old.. so when she told me on Friday that she wanted to leave early, i kinda raised my voice.. then she cried.. then i let her go home because i'm a pussy..

also on Friday, we had our first fire of the summer in our backyard.. it was bittersweet for a few reasons.. one, the Twins were losing 8-3 when we went out so we thought it was over.. eventually i received a text that says "Kubel is my hero", thought it was sarcasm and figured he had struck out a few times.. eventually i learned we had scored 7 run in one inning and Jason Kubel hit a grand slam to give us an 11-9 lead.. i hate missing stuff like that.. another reason why it was bittersweet is that this is the first fire i've enjoyed without the freedom to drink my weight in alcohol.. i was getting up at 6:30 Saturday morning to run in the Earth Day Half Marathon relay and didn't think being hungover was the best way to go about it.. the last reason it was bittersweet is because all the roommates besides me had gals with them (and actually the same gals as last summer, which is shocking).. so they always tell me to get any random, unattractive, slutty girl over but i'd rather sleep in my bed alone than wake up next to something i don't want to wake up to..

i have these unbelievable lounge pants that i wear nearly all winter, especially to bed.. the roommates act like they don't like it because they can "see the outline of my guy parts".. so while i was gone one weekend, they hid them somewhere in the house and it's been about 2 months since they've been in my possession.. i've been told that if i get them back and start wearing them again, Mike is going to walk around the house naked because it's pretty much the same thing.. the pants are so comfortable it might be worth it..

i like when people get in new relationships and start completely ignoring everyone else.. i have/had so many close "friends" that i haven't talked to in forever, which not coincidentally began around the same time they began relationships.. i understand that at the beginning, you're all fired up about the new person and want to hang out with them as much as possible but eventually you're going to want time away from them and all the people who you used to hang out with have given up trying.. one of the main factors in how i feel about a girl is if my friends like her and think she's cool.. and i enjoy impressing a girl's friends and having them tell her how jaw-droppingly awesome i am as well.. plus, a girls hotness factor goes up roughly 13 million points if she's able to hold her own in a crowded room, especially if she doesn't really know anyone.. it shows she's willing to make the effort to get to know your friends and impress them..

got a phone call last week from a girl i used to hang out with.. in fact, it was the girl from a few posts back who i met at a party at our house and then hung out with for a while and then she informed me she liked a roommate of mine.. anyway, i was out "training" for the run when she called so i wasn't able to answer.. when i got home and informed the roommates that she called, they obviously went into boy-mode and tried convincing me that she wanted to have sex with me, although she has a boyfriend.. i never think my luck is that good but she has called and texted me a few times recently so i called her back.. nothing that we discussed made me less confused about how the female brain works..


here's a running diary of my Saturday (times approximate, stories real)..

6:30 a.m.: my alarm goes off.. this upsets me..

6:45 a.m.: my alarm goes off again.. i better wake up.. walk outside to check the weather.. cold, cloudy and hurricane-force winds.. perfect..

6:50 a.m.: to get energy to run 1/4th of a marathon, i eat wheat toast with peanut butter.. then i put on my stretchy shorts to keep the ol' beanbag from bouncing around and minimize chafing..

7:00 a.m.: consider writing my will, since in the past few months i've basically donated $40 a month to the local gym.. figure that's probably too pessimistic..

7:10 a.m.: my sister gets to my house. i immediately ask her if i'm dressed appropriately.. she says no.. i go change.. notice my iPod on my desk but this race forbids them.. i don't grab it..

7:15 a.m.: my brother and his wife get to my house.. the boys are one team and the girls are another.. we're appropriately named "The Slow Guys"..

7:30 a.m.: we park at Halenbeck Hall.. notice all the people that look to be in tremendous shape, i immediately regret the fondness for raspberry Bismark doughnuts i've developed in the past month.. two people are jogging TO the race.. probably from Duluth.. cool..

7:40-8:15 a.m.: stretching and looking for people i might be able to outrun over a long distance with little success.. most people are running a half marathon by themselves.. F that S.. also notice that 97% of people are wearing iPods.. wonder if i should tattle on them..

8:20 a.m.: see someone i graduated high school with and ran in last years Grandma's marathon.. jokingly offer him running tips..

8:30 a.m.: my brother and his wife are running the first leg of our relay so they line up with 1,400 other people at the starting line.. some guy is wearing a tight orange shirt that covers his nipples and nothing lower than that.. i stare impolitely.. and they're off..

8:35 a.m.: my sister and i go into Halenbeck Hall to warm up and watch some volleyball tournament that's going on.. they continue to serve into the net and most of them are fat.. i quickly lose interest..

9:00 a.m.: we still have no idea where the second leg of the relay begins.. might be a good time to figure that out..

9:10 a.m.: we find out it's a mile away.. we reluctantly start running..

9:20 a.m.: arrive to where we need to be.. realize that i dropped my Vaseline Lip Therapy.. nearly have panic attack.. look back to see it's about 20 feet away and being trampled by runners.. i rescue it..

9:30 a.m.: see my brother coming, must have left his wife in the dust.. classy move.. i hand him my sweatshirt and begin my long suicide..

9:35 a.m.: the two women running by me are having a serious conversation.. maybe that should have been done on the ride in..

9:40 a.m.: feel my right calf cramping up.. good, i was hoping this would happen..

9:50 a.m.: come to what i considered the tallest mountain in Minnesota.. if i see a hot tub anywhere along this route, i'm immediately quitting and asking the homeowners permission to use it..

10:00 a.m.: my sister catches up to me and talks trash..

10:00-10:20 a.m.: i struggle to keep up with her.. she tells me that the first leg was 6 miles and the second leg is 7 miles.. i promise myself to not buy her a Christmas gift this year..

10:25 a.m.: see another large mountain we have to climb.. "fuck this" i say..

10:35 a.m.: in the last mile.. my legs are seriously starting to give out.. i remember seeing video of marathon runners who have adequately trained coming to the finish line but the cramping in their legs being so bad that they can't even stand.. reassuring.. notice my sister holding her side and ask if she's okay.. she tells us later that her sideache was so bad it felt like her intestines were in a knot.. running is fun..

10:40 a.m.: cross the finish line at same time as my sister.. they give us medals and water.. my knees feel like all the cartilage has worn out of them.. Ryan (the guy from the bar story a few posts ago) was there watching his girlfriend and comes up to me.. i want to meet her but he doesn't know where she is..

11:00 a.m.: we go eat at Old Chicago.. my brother notices my shoes and asks if i ran in basketball shoes.. i said "yeah, they're the only ones i have".. evidently basketball shoes are like running with cement blocks tied to your feet and wearing running shoes is like running on clouds.. good thing to find out after running the longest distance of my life.. we reminisce about the time we all went to see "The Grinch" in the movie theater and he spilled a large Coke on his lap just as he sat down.. nothing like Coke in the crotch for 2 hours..

12:00 p.m.: get dropped off at my house to shower and change.. probably too early for a beer..

12:45 p.m.: get out to my parents house to hang out with the family.. my 3-year-old niece immediately tells me i'm weird for not eating macaroni and cheese..

1:30-4:00 p.m.: go golfing with my brother.. i play better than expected with every muscle screaming at me.. the first three holes he hits three perfect drives and we can't find the ball.. notice a man-eating muskrat or beaver or something swimming in the river.. "aren't those things mean?" i ask.. "well they're not going to chase you, but i wouldn't go pet it" he says..

4:30 p.m.: i tell my niece i'll give her a dollar if she gives me a backrub.. she touches my back for 20 seconds and tells me she's exhausted.. cutest ever.. i ask her what she's going to buy with the dollar.. "a motorcycle" she says..

5:30 p.m.: barbecue chicken pizza is amazing.. begin thinking that i might be close to not hating mushrooms.. sad day..

6:00-8:00 p.m.: watch the Twins game.. the throwback uni's they wear on Saturday's this year are awesome.. they're from 1982, the first year of the Metrodome.. i wish they'd wear the powder blues on the road like they did back then.. these are much better than their current ones..

8:00 p.m.: get ready to go to the Side for a few drinks with my sister, brother and his wife.. we're all exhausted so we don't want to get too crazy.. my brother and i both ask our sister if what we're wearing looks okay.. i get told that i can't wear shorts because i don't have sandals..

8:30 p.m.: arrive at the Side.. we get drinks and go to a table in the back..

8:45 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.: i try Amstel Light and actually enjoy it.. we discuss the normal topics (why i don't have a girlfriend).. also brainstorm on possible names for a band that my brother might form.. some classics are discussed.. we decide that my suggestion of "Swamp Ass" is the early favorite..

10:30 p.m.: the rest of the family is throwing in the towel.. Ryan has showed up and tells me i can't go to bed at 11:00.. i agree.. my car is at my parents so i ask him if we'll come back tonight.. he says "yeah, probably".. i know he's lying but i also know he has baseball practice in the morning so i'll get home eventually.. we go to the Carpet..

11:00 p.m.: get to the Carpet.. both of us win $40 on the ATM game.. good sign..

11:10 p.m.: we get drinks and sit at a table while he figures out where his girlfriend is.. i notice a heated argument between some hot chick and douchebag.. it's fun to watch those.. eventually while he's spewing drunk nonsense at her, she makes eye contact with me and smirks slightly.. i excitedly tell Ryan.. he says that she keeps looking over at me afterwards.. "i'm going to make out with her later" i tell him..

11:15 p.m.: Ryan tells me that when he gets bored at work, he goes back and reads past blogs of mine.. he was recently laughing while reading one and his boss came by to see why.. he showed her and she started laughing too.. glad i can be the cause of a major decrease in workplace productivity..

11:25 p.m.: see a girl walk by with a disaster for a face and an obviously fake rack.. i tell Ryan to remind me to blog about faces being more important than boobs..

11:30 p.m.-12:00 a.m.: run into two more avid blog readers and am anointed the "funniest guy ever".. that's going on my tombstone.. i'm told that i should put my blogging ahead of my job because people look forward to reading these so much.. that's much-appreciated but i look forward to having money to pay for things..

12:00-1:00 a.m.: Ryan's girlfriend eventually shows up with a friend who she ran with in the race.. Ryan told me earlier that one of the things he likes most about her is that she's independent and doesn't always need him around.. i agree that's a very cool quality.. we notice some other dudes talking to her and putting their arm around her.. i ask Ryan if that bugs him and he says no because he knows she's going home with him (foreshadowing).. Ryan goes to the bathroom and i stand guard of his girlfriend, ready to knock anyone out because i'm a badass with earrings and a tattoo..

1:00-2:00 a.m.: we go do a lot of dancing.. we also notice the girl that was eye-fucking me earlier is close by.. while i'm dancing, i feel hands rubbing my back and arms.. could have been eye-fuck girl or Ryan's girlfriends friend.. either way, i was drunk and enjoying it.. also, while i was peeing, some idiot came in and was pissed because all the urinals were being used.. so he started talking all dumb and then said "now i'll probably get beat up".. as i walk by him, i say "i remember when i had my first beer".. that shut him up and caused laughter from the other urinaters.. i always like to win over the bathroom crowds..

2:00 a.m.: we get outside and realize the girls are nowhere to be found.. Ryan is upset by this ditching and says he wants to drive back home.. i tell him he's not doing that.. eventually his girlfriend calls him and says she's at some brick house on some street.. we search for it..

2:15 a.m.: eventually we find it, she's on the front porch.. some guys that must have owned the place asked us if we were walking home and told us to "have a good night".. we obviously weren't invited in.. a truck pulls up and Ryan's girlfriend runs right by without acknowledging him and she goes and talks to the truck guys.. Ryan has no idea what's going on.. they all went to the back of the house, so we sit on the steps and discuss our options and the fact that all girls should be considered crazy until proven otherwise..

2:30 a.m.: we decide that we'd stay at my place til the morning and then go back to our respective parents..

3:00 a.m.: we get home and he's still texting and talking to his girlfriend's friend to see what's going on.. apparently his girlfriend passed out on the couch, so at least she wasn't whoring around on him.. still it was rude to tell us to come there and then act like we were invisible.. Ryan contemplates going back there.. i'm exhausted so i turn ESPN on and fall asleep on the couch..

7:30 a.m.: i wake up, my mouth tastes like death mixed with expired elephant piss.. definitely still drunk.. Ryan is on the loveseat in his underwear.. "i couldn't sleep with jeans on" he says.. my roommates fiance comes upstairs and tells us they're getting ready to go to their second day of marriage class and today they were going to talk about sex.. i'm sure i said something stupid about people not having sex when they get married.. i get up to get some water and nearly fall over from the soreness in both my calves..

8:00 a.m.: i get back to my parents.. everyone is awake and flabbergasted that i'm awake this early.. i try to hide the fact that i'm still legally drunk.. i drink a gallon of water and go back to sleep off my drunkenness..

did i forget anything Ryan?


Cosmo's latest issue includes a "Hot Fantasy Game".. here are a few favorites:

- You are getting dressed for a big night out and look incredible. As I ogle you from head to toe, I notice a silk tie draped over the doorknob behind you and get a very naughty idea. I pick it up, then lead you to a chair. Gently, I lower you onto it and wrap the tie around your... [finish this fantasy]

- We're on vacation, walking back from the beach, a little sweaty from the sun, a little sticky from the saltwater. Hands intertwined and sand between our toes, we notice a dune off the path, and beside it, a patch of soft grass. Slyly, we glance at each other, then at the same time, rip off our suits, Next, we... [finish this fantasy]

- Leaving a friend's place, we decide to take the stairs. As we go down, you give me a come-hither motion and sprint ahead. Confused, I speed up, my eyes on your ass. I almost catch up, then you stop. Momentum takes over, and my body pins yours to the wall. Panting, I grind into you and hold your arms back so I can... [finish this fantasy]

- We've just been to a wedding, and we look pretty damn elegant. As we head to the car, we hear a clap of thunder. The sky breaks open, forcing us to run back to the reception hall and huddle under a balcony. Our clothes cling to our bodies, and yours are just begging to be stripped off. So I... [finish this fantasy]


Men's Health Tips of the Week

How Nice Guys Can Impress Women

Men always ask us why women won't sleep with nice guys. We will. It's just that jerks have been able to perfect the first-impression package that catches our attention. And in our years as sex-advice columnists, it has become clear that you good guys can learn from the players. Just follow these steps to score like a jerk—without becoming one yourself.

Be Confident
Without this, you might as well forget the next eight steps, 'cause you ain't getting laid. We don't care what kind of Jedi mind trick it takes—a Raging Bull-style motivational speech in the bathroom mirror, or imagining her with a massive zit on her nose—you should force your body to act confident.

Don't slouch; do nod and smile when she's talking; and put your beer on the bar between sips, rather than clutching it like a life preserver. Because if you don't believe in yourself as a sex machine, she never will.

But Don't Be Arrogant
If you lay it on too thick and make yourself the focus (or, worse, the hero) of every story you tell, you know what we'll think? That you're insecure and desperate, and have something to prove. We can spot a Napoleon complex within 60 seconds.

What we like instead is self-deprecation—a guy who can laugh at himself. Make fun of yourself in the past tense. Everyone loves to bond about what dorks we were in high school. It proves that you can laugh at yourself while subtly conveying that you've become way cooler. One boyfriend of Lo's won her over by breaking out his hilariously hideous 1995 driver's-license photo. But be careful not to overdo the self-deprecation, lest you fail the next step.

Don't Whine, Complain, or Bitch
About anything—it's seriously unsexy. If you can't get a bartender's attention, for example, don't sigh loudly and complain about the service—laugh it off and ask her to give it a shot instead. And your problem at work? Don't care! We're drinking, here!

Stop Being So Considerate
Nice guys hate to offend, so they add "just kidding" after every sarcastic comment. It's the equivalent of smiley emoticons. You don't have to be so gushing and eager to please. Poke fun at her girly drink, her jukebox selections, her brick of a joke. You know, the way you made fun of the girls you really liked when you were in sixth grade.

Compliment Her
But make it about something besides her appearance. She's heard a thousand guys tell her she has great skin, so it no longer even registers as a compliment—she just assumes you're trying to get in her pants. But if you are genuinely listening to her (You are, right? Hello?) and you manage to observe something about her inner person, it will get you far, because it's rare.

You could be totally off base, but it doesn't matter: People are always fascinated by a near stranger's assessment of their character. It's kind of like reading a horoscope. If she makes you laugh, tell her she's funny. If she says something sweet, tell her she's kind. If she tells a great story, ask if you can steal it. Years ago, a guy in a bar told Em she had great style, and she's never forgotten it—it's a million times better than "You look hot in that."

Touch Her
After you've developed a rapport, find a lighthearted excuse for a little skin-to-skin contact—like a gentle shoulder punch when she makes you laugh, an elbow touch as you click on some shared delight, or a cozy duet at a karaoke bar. Or drag her onto the dance floor to something like Kings of Leon or upbeat Sinatra, so you can swing around together like a poor man's Fred and Ginger. But don't grope or gaze deeply into her eyes while putting your hand on her knee—she'll think you read some cheesy book on how to hook up (written by a man).

Recruit a Wingwoman
Wingmen are for beer ads. Wingwomen are for closing the deal. When a woman sees a guy with cool female friends, she assumes a) he's a laugh to be around; b) he genuinely likes women, rather than just their body parts; c) he's not desperate; and d) he'll probably still respect her in the morning. Moreover, wingwomen—especially cute ones—create an air of friendly competition.

Your college gal pals make great wingwomen, because you've known them long enough for the relationship to be obviously platonic. Or, if one of your guy friends has a cool girlfriend, invite them both out: Most women in relationships are chronic match-makers. Confide in her that you need her help—she'll be flattered. Then let her work her magic.

Buy Her a Drink
But let her buy the next round. It blurs the lines between pickup artist and pickupee. Let her do a little of the work so she'll relax into being seduced. If you don't, it'll make her more judgmental (and more likely to give you the Heisman). If you insist that she not pay for anything, she'll see you as an old-fashioned control freak who thinks that women who put out on the first date aren't "girlfriend material."

Make Her Laugh
If she's cracking up, she's too busy having a good time to wonder about your motives (not the case if you insist on supersmooth, seriously seductive pickup lines). Sharing a laugh makes her feel you two are "connecting." In fact, it's a far better indicator that she'll go home with you than sharing a kiss. But please, no knock-knock jokes or movie quotes—you have to be witty and irreverent.

Funny stories are always good—Em's fiancé cracked her up the first time they met by recounting how he got chased down by his neighbor's pet monkey after making monkey faces at it. And a cloak of humor can disguise your intentions just enough: Ask her jokingly if she'd like to come up and see your etchings. After all, the truth is often spoken in jest.


What Women Say Makes the Perfect Date

1. Observe the 4 p.m. Deadline
As the big date approaches, women worry that they'll be stood up. This is why there's a 4 p.m. deadline. If you call at 4:20 to confirm the 8 p.m. date, I'll have already made other plans, just to protect myself from the letdown. Call between noon and 4, or risk being set adrift like a hard-luck astronaut.

2. Choose the Location Well
If we live in a city, the first date should be closer to my place than yours—so you can walk me home. You should reach the meeting place on time or a little early. If you're driving to my place, pick me up 5 minutes late. There may be a stray hair that needs taming. And observe proper car etiquette. Always open the door for me, whether or not your car has power locks. Pressing a button does not a gentleman make.

3. Money Matters
Spending too much on a date makes me think you're trying to buy my affection. Or worse. I'd rather see evidence of your personal interest than your interest-bearing accounts. Special note: If you're spending more than $200 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you, you're a sucker. And she sucks.

4. Pay Attention
Girls spend a lot of time getting glam. They also spend a lot of time wondering if guys notice. Respond to my efforts.

5. But Chill with the Compliments
Give me a couple of sincere snaps—but make sure they're thoughtful. If you say you like my smile or my eyes, I've heard it before. Say, "Look at that dimple," or, "Wow, you have great eyelashes." Now you have my attention. Compliment my intelligence, sassiness, or unfaltering talent for ordering the best guac. Now you might get some ass.

6. Introduce Me
If you stop and talk to absolutely anyone, introduce me within 30 seconds without using the words "my friend." Personal details are required. By date six, I should have met all your important friends.

7. Don't Go All Donald on Me
Unless a woman is a hopeless climber, you won't impress her with what you own (that is, if you own anything). Instead, let me discover what's valuable about you, not what you've bought.

8. Notice What I Drink
Ask me if I'd like a refill when I leave an empty glass behind and head for the ladies' room. This makes you attentive and thoughtful. This makes me happy and socially lubricated.

9. Walk Me to My Door
It's a scary world, and I want you to protect me. If you're welcome inside my apartment, I will invite you. Do not ask to use my bathroom.

10. Kiss Me
If the date has gone well, lips must come into play. Even if it's just a peck. It gives me more peace of mind than you can imagine. Don't be discouraged if I hesitate to kiss you in return. I might be shy or nervous because I really like you. Or maybe you have bad breath. It doesn't mean I don't, or won't, want you.

11. Recognize the Kiss-Off
Game over if I don't kiss you on a second date. Take the hint.


Lyrics of the Week

"Kiss A Girl" by Keith Urban

To kiss and tell, it's just not my style.
But the night is young, and it's been awhile and she broke my heart, broke it right in two,
and it took some time but I'm feelin' like I'm finally ready to find, find somebody new

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world
I wanna kiss a girl

It's that moment when you start closin' in
First you're holding back, then surrenderin'
It can start a fire, light up the sky, such a simple thing.
Do you wanna try?
Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world
I wanna kiss a girl

'Cause maybe tonight it could turn into the rest of our lives, oh yeah.
Are you ready? Are you ready..to cross that line, put your lips on mine??

(Put your lips on mine baby)

Do you wanna try?
Are you ready to say good-bye to all these blues?

I wanna kiss a girl
I wanna hold her tight
Maybe make a little magic baby
Don't wanna go too far just to take it slow
But no one should be lonely, I shouldn't be lonely


"The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


"Anyone Else But You" by The Moldy Peaches

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you


"Good Girls Don't" by The Knack

She's your adolescent dream
Schoolboy stuff, a sticky sweet romance
And she makes you want to scream
Wishing you could get inside her pants
So you fantasize away
While you're squeezing her, you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

So you call her on the phone
To talk about the teachers that you hate
And she says she's all alone
And her parents won't be coming home till late
There's a ringing in your brain
'Cause you could've swore you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
Till she's sitting on your face

You're alone with her at last
And you're waiting till you think the time is right
'Cause you've heard she's pretty fast
And you're hoping that she'll give you some tonight
So, you start to make your play
'Cause you could've swore you thought you heard her saying

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
Till she's sitting on your face

Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do
Good girls don't
Good girls don't
But she'll be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do
But I do
But I do
But I do


"Grace Kelly" by Mika

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess Im a little bit shy
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesnt solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like

Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
walk out the door!
ooooooooooh ooh oooooooh
waaa wow


"Heaven" by Warrant

Got a picture of your house
And you're standing by the door
It's black and white and faded
And it's looking pretty worn

See the factory that I worked
Silhouetted in the back
The memories are grey
but man they're really coming back

I don't need to be the king of the world
As long as I'm the hero of this little girl

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say

How I love the way you move
And the sparkle in your eyes
There's a color deep inside them
Like a blue suburban sky

When I come home late at night
And you're in bed asleep
I wrap my arms around you
So I can feel you breathe

I don't need to be a superman
As long as you will always be my biggest fan

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say
We'll find a way (Yeah!)

Now the lights are going out
Along the boulevard
The memories come rushing back
And it makes it pretty hard

I've got nowhere left to go
And no one really cares
I don't know what to do
But I'm never giving up on you

(Heaven isn't too far away)
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends say
I know we gotta find a way

It's not too far away.


"Brokenhearted" by Vaughan Penn

I give you good advice, you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford
But when you're not doing too well
I'll be here, here for you still
A little bit longer

Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?
You're so brokenhearted
I'll fix yours for free
Brokenhearted
Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?

Life gives us both a chance
An equal vote
And it's just the circumstance if it all goes up in smoke
When all the answers you're trying to find
They don't come easy, there's no peace of mind
Somebody's there for you

When all the answers you're trying to find
They don't come easy, there's no peace of mind
Somebody's there for you

I give you good advice, you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford


"The World Ain't Slowin' Down" by Paul Ellis

I found you sitting on a suitcase crying
Beneath my feet,
I feel the rumble of a subway train
I laugh out loud,
'cause it's the one thing I hadn't been trying
The train came in breathless,
The passanger's restless
You say, "Baby, you'll never change"

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey...

Out on the sidewalk,
Pigeon's do the moonwalk
I'll be dancing like Fred Astaire
The lamppost's are rockin,
The whole town's talkin
Like a fool in a barber's chair
And I get the sensation,
The joy and fustration
Like being caught by a tropical rain
Freedom can numb you,
When there's no place to run to
It feels just like Novocane

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
(it's callin out to you)
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowing down
Hey, hey...

You packed up all your handbags,
Throwing off the sandbags
I let go and you stepped free
I didn't want to loose you
You said, "You didn't choose to,
It's just how your karma came."
But thanks for the vision,
And the twenty-twenty wisdom
It hit me like a south-bound train

You gotta get gone, you gotta get going
Hey the world ain't slowin down for no one
It's a carnival callin out to you
(it's callin out to you)
It sounds like a song,
Hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go--
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go--
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, the world ain't slowin down
Hey, hey, it's a big, blue world
It's a big, blue world
Ridin' on a big, blue world

screaming infidelities..

this post is being co-brought to you by Charles Barkley's golf swing and "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"..

i ended up being offered that position at my work that i mentioned a couple posts ago.. consequently, i may not be able to blog as often as i'd like.. i'll still do it as much as i'm able to though.. be patient!!

Text of the Week: "Thank you for serving in Vietnam but you still need to drive the speed limit and use your blinker".. from my roommate, Mike..

another roommate, Robert, likes to inform me every morning about the events of "Little House on the Prairie".. here are some i remember: Pa appears that he wants to nail the hot maid but doesn't, someone had typhoid like back on "Oregon Trail", some bad guys came into town and were stealing lumber and the daughter needed help with her math homework.. he gets pretty fired up about it and it's entertaining..

another roommate, Josh, just walked into my room and sang "How Do I Live Without You" by Whitney Houston to me..

Robert and i spent last weekend in Minneapolis at the home of an ex-roommate.. here are a few highlights:

- at a Japanese restaurant/bar (Moto i?) a 20-something year old girl was making out with a 40-something year old man.. two other young females were sitting with an older man at another table.. i'm guessing money was exchanged between a number of them throughout the night, or else i didn't really understand what was happening..

- at Stella's, we encountered a reunion of my high school.. it felt like the Keller at the Red Carpet, only classier.

- a bar called William's serves hot dogs in the corner of the bar.. probably the smartest idea i've ever heard.. i demolished two..

- when we got home on Friday night, we ordered pizza at 3 a.m. and played Guitar Hero: Legends of Rock with the microphone, drums and guitar.. Robert is the worst drummer in history and i sound almost exactly like Gwen Stefani when i'm drunk..

- we walked to breakfast the next morning and i had 3 of the world's most unbelievable pancakes.. the crowd was diverse and entertaining to watch.. also, the hand dryer in the bathroom was powered by a jet engine.. there was also a gentleman playing live music over the loud speaker who Robert described as a "young Hank Williams".. he's funny when we're still drunk in the morning..

- went back to ex-roommates place, took a nap and watched the NCAA tournament, an emphasis on the napping part.. needed to recharge for the night..

- we ate at a place called Buster's and they served all kinda of exotic beers.. i tried something called "Old Speckled Hen" and immediately regretted it.. i'll be sticking to American beer, thank you very much.. also, the waitress spilled her tray full of beverages "for the first time since her first day serving".. always comical..

- went to the apartment of a few guys we went to high school with and played drinking games.. some idiot kept giving me drinks and looking at me weird, so i felt good when i had the opportunity to give 10 drinks and threw my card at him.. i also felt good when we went to the bar at 11:00 and he was passed out.. but first, a story about a hot girl.. they live next to a few girls, one of which came over unannounced to see what was going on.. she immediately sat down on one of our friends laps, who is married and she's never met before.. she finally asked him if he was dating any of the girls in the room and he said "no, my wife is in San Diego".. classic.. she apologized and walked over to me and introduced herself.. then she said she liked my hat (i was wearing my cab driver hat) and asked if i was into fashion.. i said no, that i just liked dressing good.. she said i looked cute, then walked back to her apartment.. eventually, one of the guys who lived there went over to their apartment and came back saying that she was talking about one of the guys.. so a couple more people went over to do research.. Robert asked if she was talking about the married guy, and she said something like "oh yeah, i like him", so he came back and said it was him.. i was bummed out.. but then the guy who originally had gone over there said that wasn't true because he had asked her if it was the guy who's lap she sat on, and she said "no, he was sitting on the couch".. I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH!! :) anyway, the story doesn't end with her and i doing sex things because her and her roommates went downtown and our crew went into uptown.. so close, huh?

- at Stella's again, some girl runs by, steals my hat and puts one of those rabbit peeps in there and gives it back.. i didn't really understand it, maybe it was some sort of "magic trick?"

- we end the night and weekend with another round of pizza and Guitar Hero.. very enjoyable time.. Robert nearly kills us on the ride home because my sleeping bag was "in his blind spot"..


went out in St. Joe last night, with times being approximate but events being true and clouded with alcohol, here's the running diary:

9:00 p.m.: arrive at the La Playette, immediately take Jag Bomb and picture..

9:01 p.m.: notice a hot blonde girl that i'm fairly sure i went to college with.. Ryan, the friend i'm with, calls dibs on her.. i abide by the "bro's before ho's" rule and make her off limits, like it was my decision..

9:10 p.m.: the Wild are winning 1 to 0.. cool..

9:15 p.m.: decide that my parking spot in front of the pizza place across the street is questionable at best so i move my car behind the bar to avoid drunks peeing in my gas tank and breaking the windows to sleep in my back seat..

9:16 p.m.: Wild are losing 2 to 1.. cool.. also, soccer is on tv so i keep my eyes peeled for fans shooting players.. a player gets injured and the time still runs.. i'll never understand that..

9:20 p.m.: Water Moccasin shots.. two shots in 20 minutes.. decide that i'm probably not driving anywhere tonight..

9:30 p.m.: Ryan takes over the juke box for the next 12 songs.. the old hillbillies in the bar aren't fond of the selection.. we make fun of their cowboy hats with each other..

9:45 to 10:45 p.m.: we play pool and drink alcohol and discuss girl situations.. we also take shots of Rumpleminz (the cute bartender girls favorite shot).. we tell her it's her turn to shoot on the pool table and she sinks a difficult shot to win the game for me, despite the fact that she scratched.. we were playing Mexican Indoor rules..

10:45 to 11:00 p.m.: the bartender girl tells us her roommate said she wasn't a good match for the guy she is kinda seeing because "his last girlfriend was hot".. girls are awesome.. also, she said her perfect guy would be Seth from "The O.C.".. i casually point out that my sister says my personality is exactly like his, although i've never watched the show to see if that's accurate.. i'll trust her, she knows me fairly well..

11:05 p.m.: shots of tequila.. i mistakenly mention that i don't think i've ever had a shot of tequila, so Ryan's shot becomes mine.. to avoid an uncomfortable moment, i lick the salt off cute bartender girl and she licks the salt off Ryan.. it burned on the way down..

11:10 p.m.: Ryan and i get caught looking at this girl who's wearing her shirt tied just below her breasts and with a giant tramp stamp tattoo on her lower back.. apparently some guy is there with her and calls us out on it, so we go over to him to diffuse the situation.. we find out he's 29 years old and his plan is to retire in 10 years and open a fraternity? after telling the slutty dressed girl that her "pants would look better on his floor" (original), she flicks him off but eventually makes out with him..

11:25 p.m.: one of Ryan's college buddies proudly tells us he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had until his current fiancee.. that'll probably last..

11:35 p.m.: another guy tells us a story about the previous night, where he went to sleep drunk and woke up fingering his fiancee.. then the next thing he remembers was having sex with her.. doesn't remember how it started.. those are fun stories..

11:45 p.m.: Ryan and i are suddenly in the middle of three girls that i haven't seen yet.. one was super hot but clearly high-maintenance and full of herself.. i decide i want to make out with the girl on my right.. i go do research to find out her name..

11:48 p.m.: one of Ryan's buddies says he knows her but doesn't know her name.. but he'll find out for me.. he's in the middle of a conversation with a girl so i decide not to hold my breath..

12:00 a.m.: tequila shot hits me..

12:03 a.m.: wow..

12:05 a.m.: yikes.. (didn't puke, streak is still alive)..

12:10 a.m.: end up at another bar, absolutely no recollection of walking there..

12:15 a.m.: Ryan is chatting up a super hot blonde girl who has a boyfriend.. she tells him naughty things.. i make pact with myself to start hitting the gym more religiously so girls say naughty things to me..

12:30 a.m.: apparently the tradition at this bar is, at the end of the night when they play "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond, everyone stands in a circle and the guys pull their pants down and stand in their boxers? seems like a good idea..

12:45 a.m.: i have no idea..

1:00 a.m.: get ushered to the door, apparently this is the one city in America where the bars still close at 1:00.. i'm actually not upset because i can't see anymore..

1:10 a.m.: Ryan and i end up at the home of the hot girl who has a boyfriend and wants Ryan, and another hot girl.. promising..

1:15 a.m.: seems like a good time to change a light bulb, so i climb the chair and get to work.. the other hot girl thinks it's necessary to hold me by touching my stomach the entire time.. meanwhile, i'm fighting the cover of the light bulb until it explodes in my hand, shooting glass everywhere except in my eyes..

1:20 a.m.: girl lost her phone, walks back to the bar to get it.. Ryan and i also go.. maybe other people too?

1:35 a.m.: get back to their place, super hot girl's boyfriend is there and another dude who we didn't know.. hot girl and her boyfriend go into the bathroom and fight for an hour, not the smartest place to hold that discussion with people who need to pee every 11 minutes..

1:50 a.m.: look outside door, see headlights parked down street.. go back upstairs for a minute.. come back down, headlights are gone.. pee..

2:00 a.m.: girl that was touching my stomach went into her room with random dude that showed up.. hear sex noises.. not sure if they're coming from the bathroom or bedroom.. decide not to investigate..

2:10 a.m.: pee outside again.. right as i close the door to go back inside, a police truck drives by.. congratulate myself for narrowly avoiding a "urinating in public" citation..

2:25 a.m.: some other guy enters the place and says "hey babe, let me in".. door opens, probably the bedroom of the girl who's housing the random dude.. she surprised to see him, thinking he's outside, not outside her bedroom.. i hope for a fistfight.. doesn't happen..

2:30 a.m.: Ryan snoring on other couch.. contemplate throwing shoe at him to shut him up..

2:35 a.m.: hot girl exits the bathroom, makes eye contact with me and giggles.. not sure what that means..

2:40 a.m.: fall asleep with shoes on..

6:30 a.m.: wake up, do the "where the fuck am i?" look for 10 seconds.. check pockets for everything i should have.. check phone for embarrassing drunk texts.. satisfied, i walk to my car and drive to my parents house, singing Neil Sedaka songs..

6:40 a.m.: my mom is going for a walk and i pass her on the road.. our sleep schedules are so opposite, i wonder if i'm adopted..

6:43 a.m.: Mom walks in from her walk.. i hug her cause she has chili in the crock pot.. luckily my sister is at her boyfriends so i have a bed to sleep in.. tell Mom to wake me up for lunch.. wonder if i'm still legally drunk..

beautiful wreck..

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counting to 100..

this post is being co-brought to you by being so excited to eat something hot that you burn the roof of your mouth and spend the next three days licking dead skin off it and the real names of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior being Terry and Jim, respectively..

there is a semi-decent possibility of me getting a lead position at my job, which consequently could lead to fewer blogs.. don't hold your breath, but i apologize in advance if it happens..

you know you're getting old when you're invited to play cards and say "actually, i think we're going bowling tonight".. next up, shuffleboard and "Wheel of Fortune" nights..

i never cease to be amazed by the number of chances some people give others to decide if they want to be together.. i know you can't help who you like but if you've given someone 3 or 4 chances to make up their mind, maybe it's time to let them go.. it happens so often and i find it comical every time.. say you're actually successful and they decide they "want to be with you".. would you ever be able to trust that's the case? or maybe they "want to be with you" until someone better comes along, and they're using you until then.. some people just aren't wired to be with one person.. figure it out, the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on to something and someone you know is real..

every time i go to the gym in the morning, i feel so awesome afterwards.. the problem is, i rarely make it out of my bed.. it's so hard, especially in the winter.. my alarm will go off, i'll throw the covers back and be hit immediately by what feels like 7 degrees, say "fuck that" and go back to sleep.. one of these days i'll find the motivation to get up every day and go, apparently self-motivation isn't enough.. the group of grandmothers that are there weekday mornings don't help matters either..

girls, if you walk away from a guy, he looks at your butt.. you could be naked, wearing underwear or wearing snowpants, it doesn't matter.. keep this in mind..

one of the more entertaining parts of drinking for me is going through my phone the next day to see who and what i texted.. for one, texting with my new phone while drunk is pretty much impossible.. you need infant fingers to hit the correct letter.. "wow, that's an interesting way to spell 'drinking in the hot tub'".. i think i've agreed to trips to Vegas and to father children recently, too.. neither will happen soon, God willing..

reading a magazine last night (maybe Cosmo, maybe not), i came across a story where a woman was attacked while she was hiking, and her attacker demanded the PIN numbers to her bank accounts.. when she didn't give them to him, he raped her and then beat her to death.. needless to say, i sent an e-mail first thing this morning to my sister who runs outside a lot, and told her she should either get a whistle or pepper spray to bring with her.. there's a small chance of anything happening but it does happen and those things can be life savers.. i know other runners read this and probably know the risks of running outside, especially alone or near dark.. just some ideas to help keep you safe..

know what else Cosmo taught me? if i'm having my period but don't have any tampons handy, i can wrap several sheets of toilet paper around my panties until i find suitable protection.. but i should never put toilet paper in my vagina cause it can easily flake off inside me and cause an infection.. also, you can tell what kind of boyfriend or lover a guy will be by the way he sleeps.. and research shows women don't like when their husbands/boyfriends have sex with other women..

i don't remember how old i was but when i was little, i wanted to join the local hockey team.. i convinced my mom to bring me into town to where the sign-up was and check it out.. turns out hockey is much more expensive than other sports.. we found out it cost roughly $3 million for everything (entry fee, pads, a stick, skates, life insurance, dentures).. even at this point, i was convinced she'd let me.. we got back into the car and she said "honey, i'm sorry but i can't afford that".. me being the terrible son that i am, yelled at her the entire way home, convince that other mom's loved their sons more.. looking back at it now it's ridiculous because there's no way i would have played hockey rather than basketball, since those skills led me to a successful back-up guard role on our team.. dammit, i could have been Wayne Gretzky, only American and, you know, not as bad..

Ran a 6K on Saturday wearing The World's Thinnest Gloves by Frostbite.. not an enjoyable experience..

Saturday night, i watched the movie "The Strangers" for the first time with a roommate and his girlfriend.. before the movie started, i carefully debated where i would sit so they "couldn't get me".. the love seat thing we have wasn't an option because they had the entire kitchen, plus they could come up the stairs.. Roommate and Gal were on the big couch because that's the safest place and they only worry about themselves.. my last option was the couch by the window.. if you've seen "The Strangers", you know window seats aren't the most desirable place to have.. anyway, i bravely stacked the top of the couch with pillows to block the window (everyone knows people wearing masks can't survive pillows) and brought my body pillow out from my room, which i clutched like a lumberjack.. Roommate had seen the movie twice before so he declared he would be watching me the entire movie.. before we started, i sent this text to my sister:

me: "watching 'The Strangers' for the first time"..
her: "you won't sleep tonight"..

then, when it was over:

her: "did you like it?"..
me: "fuck that shit"..


i like when people who don't know a thing about sports try talking to me about sports.. "the Vikings really need to get a running back this off-season".. "oh.. ever hear of Adrian Peterson? he's pretty good, if you like strong, fast running backs"..

this is from a couple years ago but it proves how naive i am when it comes to girls.. i'll leave out names because the people who know the situation know who i'm talking about.. we had a party at our house for the birthday of an ex-roommate.. he and i dressed seductively that night, wearing button-up shirts and ties, and i was rocking my famous "cab driver" hat.. one of my current roommates had a different girlfriend at the time, she came over and brought one of her friends, whom i'd never met before.. i thought she was kinda cute so when we played "tippy cup", i stood by her.. about halfway through the game or so, she turned to me and said "i like your hat", with a fairly seductive smile.. it was at that point that i knew i'd end up making out with her.. i didn't know i'd do it on camera.. eventually she took my hat, wore it for a while until i asked if i could have it back.. she said something to the effect of "what are you going to give me?".. oh boy.. yet another roommate is manning a video camera to capture all the crazy events of the birthday party, so he suggests making out on camera for 10 seconds.. obviously i agree, and less obviously, she does too.. it was another guys job to count to 10 out loud, which he did rather slowly and i haven't paid to this day.. evidently, round 1 wasn't enough because the camera caught her ambush me again almost immediately, and that's how most of the rest of the night went..

she stayed in my room that night and (seriously) nothing happened.. the next morning, i got an awkward "see ya later" and she left.. i thought that's how it would end because neither of us had each others number and i was fine with that.. not something i usually do but not something i'm above, either.. apparently she had the number of my roommate because almost immediately after she left, he got a text that told him to give me her number and that he should give her mine.. she was cool, so i did.. we ended up going to a movie that night, and she was totally all into me.. i was finally the one who was playing it cool and not rushing stuff, but i got to the point where i really liked her.. we'd hang out a few nights a week and spend the night at each others place.. then, a couple months later, i get a "i need to talk to you" text.. so obviously i think she's pregnant and i start flipping out, even though she was on the pill and i used protection every time.. that doesn't matter in a guys head when you hear "i need to talk to you".. she wanted to wait until the next day to talk but knowing i wouldn't sleep if i didn't know what was going on, i called her.. she gave me the "don't know if i want a relationship" speech, which sucked because i liked her but was better than child support, and she said she still wanted to hang out.. shortly thereafter, she was at our house and we were watching TV in the living room, on separate couches and she was texting almost the entire time.. this was weird to me, so when she said she was going to go home, i was almost glad..

the next day (this is early December), i get home from work and my roommate almost immediately tells me he has to talk to me.. we go into my bedroom and shut the door.. evidently, the person she was texting the night before was him.. and what she was texting was that she was starting to think she had feelings for him.. that sucked a lot for me to hear, especially since she had just told me she "didn't know if she wanted a relationship".. i thanked him for being a good friend (he was single and easily could have went behind my back, i know others who probably would do that).. then i texted her to confront her.. i ended up going to her place and having a big talk which cleared up nothing and also did nothing to move my stomach anywhere below my Adam's apple.. obviously, things between us changed immediately and we talked less and less.. then she apologized and said she didn't mean what she said.. then i bought her Christmas gifts.. then i stood barefoot outside my brothers house on Christmas night talking to her for 45 minutes because she called and that's the only place i got service (thanks Sprint).. then, on her birthday in early February, i gave her the quilt i had my mom start making back in November because i thought things were going well and it's hard to stop making a quilt once you've started.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot when it comes to girls.. eventually we stopped talking completely except for the occasional Facebook thing, and she randomly texted me recently because she missed me and the roommates.. but this goes back to the "giving someone so many chances" thing.. i had been informed that she "didn't want a relationship" and "had feelings for" one of my best friends and roommates, and three weeks later i gave her gifts for Christmas and stood outside barefoot for nearly an hour talking to her on the phone.. looking back it's really dumb, but that's what i do when i like a girl, i guess..


Men's Health tips of the week

Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers

1. "Take off your clothes and turn on the music."

2. Before she left for an extended trip abroad: "Don't worry. You know you own it."

3. "Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything."

4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."

5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"

6. "If I don't kiss you before the night is over, I'll consider my year a failure."

7. Written on a card that came with flowers she sent him: "This is for the great sex we're going to have tonight."

8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."

9. "If you ever discuss your girlfriend problems with another woman, you will end up sleeping with her. So . . . tell me about your girlfriend problems."

10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"

11. "You're my daddy."

12. She pointed to her eye, then made a circle with her finger and thumb, stuck her other forefinger through it, and pointed at him.

13. "I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?"

14. "Show me everything you know."

15. "I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower."

16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."

17. "I'll make your bed spin."

18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"

19. "Spank me now!"

20. "How the hell did you do that?"

21. "You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me."

22. On the freeway: "Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?"

23. "Give it to me, baby, and give them a good show."

24. "It hurts, but I love it when you do it."


Make Her Fantasies Come True

By: Nicole Beland

Most women aren't very good at asking for what they want, especially in the beginning of a relationship. And by "beginning," I mean anywhere from the first night to the first 2 years. For one thing, we're hopelessly romantic. We imagine that the right guy will instinctively grant us every sexual favor we've ever fantasized about, without our having to say anything. Ridiculous, sure, but a girl can dream.

Also—trust me here—we dread being perceived as high maintenance. We see how put out you guys are by the idea of phoning us once a day or escorting us to a cousin's wedding. So asking for 45 uninterrupted minutes of cunnilingus seems outrageous.

The good news is that we are fantasizing about sex. (Wow—you, too?) And we will get around to requesting our favors just as soon as we feel comfortable and confident enough. If your partner isn't there yet, let me give you an idea of what those favors might be—maybe you can coax them out of her. Speaking on behalf of my gender, I wish you'd . . .

1. Shower before bed.
Seeing you emerge from a steamy bathroom with droplets of water clinging to your biceps makes me want to dry you off with my tongue. That includes all those soft, warm, sensitive places—but only when they're Zestfully clean.

2. Talk dirtier.
Much dirtier. Trot out a variety of nasty words one night, and if I grunt and moan in agreement, kick it up a notch. When I respond with total silence, dial it back down.

3. Mow the lawn in jeans and no shirt so I can play desperate housewife from the window.
Then come inside smelling of fresh-cut grass, sweat, and pheromones, and make love to me on the dining-room table.

4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

6. Confess your latest sexual fantasy.
But say that you did this with/to me in a dream. That'll allow me to maintain the illusion that it isn't something you used to do with an ex-hookup, or an idea you picked up from porn. I might not agree to reenact it, but hearing about it will make me feel like your naughty little confidante, which is very hot. Bonus: It'll give me the courage to tell you mine.

7. Read up on sex.
There are books on boinking that are worth the embarrassment of buying them. Like Ian Kerner's She Comes First, for example. It's a guide to giving oral sex so well that your partner will insist on cooking you blueberry pancakes the next morning. Yes, you're an amazing lover already, but Kerner has a Ph.D. for a reason.

8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

9. Make your move the second we walk in the door.
Or while we're still in the hallway. I don't know what, if anything, happened between Benicio Del Toro and Scarlett Johansson in that elevator, but if Del Toro acted as if having sex with her right then and there was the only reason he was put on this planet, I could understand if she obliged. When a guy lusts after me so urgently that he can't even wait the 90 seconds it takes to get to the bed, it makes me feel like a movie star.

10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

11. Treat sex like a buffet.
Take breaks during intercourse to go back for appetizers. Too often, making out, manual stimulation, and breast caressing get cast aside when the more serious stuff starts. But without generous amounts of all three from start to finish, the female orgasm is infinitely harder to achieve.

12. Sit back on your heels from the missionary position and caress my legs slowly, from ankle to thigh. When you take the time to stroke my body thoughtfully during sex, it lets me know that you're savoring the experience as something meaningful to you.

13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

15. Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

16. Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.

17. Watch me shave my legs.
Offer to help me shave other places.

18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you've been lifting and I'm at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.


Lyrics of the Week

"Awake" by Dashboard Confessional

Awake, through the years it takes to see you
'Til I almost lose my mind
'Cause I'll never be alright
And I'm sorry you had to see this
But I'm such a mess
And I never could forget

I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know
I'm scared that you're the one that got away
And i want you here with me
Tonight, will never come

I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk
And if its all forever lost dont wanna know
I'm scared that you're the one that got away
And i want you here with me
Tonight, will never come


"You Had Me From Hello" by Kenny Chesney

One word, that's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.
Your smile, just captured me
And you were in my future as far as I could see
And I don't know how it happened, but it happened still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

Inside, I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn't gonna love again
The last time was the last time I let someone in

But you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me
It was over from the start
You completely stole my heart
And now you won't let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from "Hello"

That's all you said
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head
You had me from "Hello"
You had me from "Hello"
Girl I've loved you from "Hello"


"There's Something Sexy About The Rain" by Kenny Chesney

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why

There's something sexy about the rain
And sometimes it rained all night
And everything she did was perfect
And every way we were was right
We loved like there was no tomorrow
Then suddenly tomorrow came
And it was raining at the airport
And kept on raining on the plane

She only loved me for a season
But my heart won't ever be the same
Even now her love's the reason

There's something sexy about the rain
And sometimes when it's pouring down
I feel her kisses on my skin
I spread my arms and spin around
And let that summer island storm
Hit me like a hurricane
It's like she's right here whispering
There's something sexy about the rain

She followed me back to the city
In a picture in my mind
She's still young and she's still pretty
And even after all this time

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field, in a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why
There's something sexy about the rain

She taught me how and she's still why
There's something sexy about the rain
Something sexy about the rain
Feels like kisses on my skin
In a summer island storm
Something sexy


"Every Once In A While" by Blackhawk

When the moon is bright
On a Saturday night
There's a thousand stars in the sky
On a winding road her memory flows
She'll face the fact
She wants to go back

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

She tries to forget
But she hasn't yet
Not a single day goes by
That feeling again reminds of when
I held her tight, it felt so right

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

And every once in a while
She calls my name out loud
And when she thinks about us
She'll face the fact
She wants to go back

She opens her heart to an old memory
She closes her eyes and she smiles
Just ask her if she ever still
Thinks about me
She'll say "Every once in a while,
Every once in a while"

Every once in a while


"I Miss You" by Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


"So Contagious" by Acceptance

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously


"Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack

I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
Save for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I don't cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
How will I break the news to you?

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,
feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?


"White Lines and Red Lights" by Between The Trees

Late night, driving home together
and at red lights we press our lips together
and we're holding tight now
slow it down now
Let's take our time
let the moment last
until it feels right
holding back
and not getting to carried away
let the music fade

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
And I'm lost without your love
Your love...

We are in each others arms
just like a movie scene
And as we're leaning in
the light decides to turn green
Me and you together
this is getting better
just butterflies won't do
I don't want just red lights
I want more of these nights
baby I love you

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with who you are
And you are the brightest star
And I'm lost without your love

Cause you are the brightest star
And I'm in love with you!

Me and you is what matters most
It's not the intimacy that brings me
Closer to you...