breakfast at tiffany's..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by people who use "preggers" as slang for pregnant and the dude i saw golfing with cut-off jean shorts, sneakers and an ACDC t-shirt.. long afternoon..

first of all, congratulations to me for getting the rare raise today that's not the obligatory "end of the year/bonus/we're giving this to everyone/blah blah blah" kind and is the "we appreciate your flexibility and hard work/middle of the summer/you're cooler and smarter than everyone else here, especially the lady who sits in the lunchroom with her legs spread open instead of crossing them" variety.. just thought i'd throw that in, selfishly..

i think the worst feeling on earth is the feeling you get right before you get a cold.. for me it's just a scratchy throat but i always envision the next couple days will involve 105 degree fevers and bleeding from the ears..

staying on that topic, how much shit can come out of one persons head? i could blow my nose with a Brillo pad at this point and it wouldn't matter.. Paris Hilton's vagina thinks my nose has been beat up the past few days..

do you think Bert calls Ernie, and after talking for 4 hours says he's not going to hang up until Ernie hangs up and they go back and forth for a bit? of course not, they share a one-bedroom apartment.. unless one of them is away on business, of course.. but then Ernie is probably busy housing Elmo, let's face it..

a guy asked for Virginia Slims at the gas station today.. his gal got Marlboro reds.. that's funny.. match made in heaven..

there should be more whistles in water polo that mean absolutely nothing, it would make it more enjoyable to watch..

school is almost starting, can't wait to get my "Full House" Trapper Keeper and rock that in Earth Science..

you know that guy who goes to the bowling alley with his wrist guard, chalk, personalized ball and cut-off Dale Earnhardt, Jr. t-shirt and proceeds to bowl a 137? he's my favorite..

went to Mongo's today for the first time in history.. if tastebuds can have orgasms, mine had multiple.. it's so good, this exchange occurred between my roommate and i on the way out.. Me: "these covers are doing absolutely nothing right now".. Him: "if you fucking drop mine i will beat the piss out of you".. fair enough.. that same roommate told me i'm too nice and need to be a dick sometimes.. i guess that was my first lesson..

if you comment on how good a woman looks pregnant, make sure she's pregnant.. or at least a woman.. your safest bet is to act oblivious until the baby is born, then act surprised.. and don't be fooled by that "water breaking" nonsense.. that can happen to anyone..

here are some acceptable and unacceptable responses to a woman asking "do you know what today is?":

ACCEPTABLE:

"anniversary of (insert important day here.. omit the time you ran over her cat twice 'on accident')"..

"birthday" (this could be hers, your children's, her parents, Oprah's, etc.)..

"Kwanzaa"

"Boxing Day in Canada"

"Rosh Hashanah"

"Columbus Day" (side note: a couple weeks ago, a gas station cashier alerted me to the fact that Christopher Columbus raped Indians when he got here.. you know what, he found America without a map and i can't find my niece's fucking birthday party without Mapquest.. so i'll let that slide)..

"First Day of Summer" (doesn't matter if it's snowing, say it with conviction)..


UNACCEPTABLE:

"the day you start dieting?"


i'm debuting a new feature now called "Song Lyrics of the Week", since i usually post every week or so.. i'll pick some of my favorite lyrics and post them here, that way if you download music or whatever and you think you may like a song, you'll know what song it is.. i'm on a Dashboard Confessional kick right now, so here are a few of their songs..

"Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it:"I'll love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, And sit alone and wonder, how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.

I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
when did your eyes Begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder...
How you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone...Making out

Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.


"Only Gift That I Need" by Dashboard Confessional

You'll be leaving for the winter, but I won't see that it's true
It's the right thing for you, but it's tough to be moved
With the holiday spirit, when to tell you the truth
I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you.

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me
Only gift that I need.

I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters and your post cards
Every single word is like a secret wish come true
Who cares if we're apart for the big days
It's the small ones made me fall in love with you (fall in love with you).

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me

Only gift that I need.
Only gift that I need.


"Remember To Breathe" by Dashboard Confessional

She fixes her lips,
They always look perfect.
Never a smudge line,
Never too much.

I try on my blue shirt,
She told me she liked it... once.
She wonders what I'll wear.
She knows just what she'll wear.
She always wears blue.

So sneakers or flip-flops?
I'm starting to panic, wait wait

Remember she asked you,
Remember to breathe.
And everything will be okay.
Okay
Okay
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
(whisper)Okay.


"Shirts And Gloves" by Dashboard Confessional

When I'm back from the road
and you're out on it
And I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over, it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.

Road rules apply
there's so much action,
you're getting busy.
So I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
and so am I...so am I.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them
it seems like nothings happened
until I've shared them with you.
And the note that you had called
says you're half a day away
and you are heading home
just in time for me, for me to leave.

So make sure that I'm up to date on TV night,
I hate to miss out.
I think I miss you most on Wednesdays
and Saturdays.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

7 minutes in heaven..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy at Old Chicago last night who was bald but had a mullet and the lady at my work who watches CNN in the lunchroom and exhales loudly to express her disdain for Hillary Clinton..

alright, first of all, i'd like to apologize for the brief "vacation" i took from blogging (it looks like a little over 2 weeks).. i have a good reason, as unbelievable as that reason may be.. the "cute girl from my hometown" who i referenced in my last post was home on break from school and we took our Facebook/texting relationship and shifted it to a phone call/face-to-face thing and i had limited time to think of nonsense to write about and spend in front of the computer.. so, as far-fetched as it seems that a "blogger" can hang out with a real-life pretty girl, it's true.. and as disappointed you are in my refusal to blog instead of hang out with said Cute Hometown Girl, i'm equally happy to have done it because of her level of coolness.. (also, her eyes and smile could have melted that damn iceberg that the Titanic ran into and we could have averted that whole disaster).. so there.. but keep reading my silly crap anyway and send me several monetary donations, as it seems that Cute Hometown Girl and i combined to surpass my 1,000 texts a month limit to the tune of an extra $160 on the cell phone bill.. totally worth it.. (yes, i was bright enough to change my plan to unlimited texting, even before i got the bill.. and thanks for welcoming me to 2008)..

i would pay $3 million to shoot paint balls at the decision-makers who allowed that truck to make beeping sounds at 8 a.m. on my day off Monday morning..

i invent swear words while golfing and yell them whenever i deem necessary on the golf course..

the name and the design on the bottle is the most important thing when it comes to purchasing wine.. in the last month i have purchased wines named "Fat Bastard", "Woop Woop" and "Little Black Dress".. had a minor experience with "Little Black Dress" which i'll explain later.. spoiler alert: if you're a fan of me being conscious, you may not like the ending..

things the Olympics have taught me:

- if it's raining during a women's beach volleyball match, it should be televised on Cinemax after 11 p.m... like one gentleman in my fantasy football league put it last night, we could draw Misty May's vagina at this point, we've seen it so much..

- if you want to play women's beach volleyball in the Olympics for Belgium, you must be at least 6 months pregnant..

- if you want to run in the Olympics as a female, you must either look like a Victoria's Secret model or Andre the Giant..

- Chinese gymnasts and Dominican Republic little leaguers get their birth certificates from the same place..

- if a marathon is being run, a camera will be on the leader for the duration of the event, which is about 4 hours.. we all know a lot can happen during a 26.2 mile race on foot..

- not much is funnier than Bela Karolyi attempting to speak English on HD television.. unless you count George W. Bush attempting the same thing..

- if you're Russian or Chinese, you can coach the U.S. Gymnastics team..

- the only acceptable post-routine congratulations between Chinese teammates is the double high-five..



participated in a fantasy football auction last night for the first time (have only drafted in previous years).. a few things of note: my roommate was more drunk than any human participating in a fantasy football event in history, and that's saying something.. he taught the babies in the other room a few swear words which i'm sure their parents appreciated.. beer still tastes good with pizza.. Adrian Peterson is on my team, so you can make the championship trophy out to "Bert Loves Ernie" (my team name, catchy right?).. also on my team is something called "Alge Crumpler", if that name doesn't scream "champion"... well, it doesn't, but i have Adrian Peterson..

the best part of fantasy football drafts/auctions is the trash-talking.. of the 9 other guys participating in the league, i've never met 5 of them.. that didn't stop me from peppering them with comments like: "whoa, are you sure he's still alive?".. "will his Canadian League stats count?".. "i like my quarterbacks to throw it to his team".. "so, who'll be your running back after week 4?".. "wait, do we get points for fumbles this year?".. ahh, boys will be boys (read: immature)..

and the main event, what we've all been waiting for.. The Blackout Episode.. first of all, i'd like to preface this by saying prior to Tuesday, August 12th, 2008, i have never puked or passed out from the consumption of alcohol.. in fact, i haven't puked since i had the flu probably 15 years ago.. also, don't get used to posts which give dating play-by-play, obviously not everything is for public knowledge.. this story is different, however.. anyway, on this day, a date with Cute Hometown Girl had been planned.. so, on my way home from work i stopped at the liquor store to get some Pinot Grigio wine, which she mentioned was her favorite, so i wrote it down to find it (ladies, hold your applause.. boys, hold your boos and vulgar comments questioning my sexuality).. this was the aforementioned "Little Black Dress" wine, by the way.. after going to see "Step Brothers", which was very funny, we came back to drink wine and sit in the hot tub.. after being a gentleman and offering Cute Hometown Girl the choice of drinking her wine from a standard wine glass or a plastic "Macho Man" Randy Savage ICEE cup circa 1989, we had a couple glasses of wine while watching the Olympics then took the third out to the hot tub.. apparently, in my excitement for date night, i completely neglected to put an ounce of food in my body for the last 10 hours.. that, combined with sitting in a 102-degree tub of water, drinking 3 glasses of wine in a half hour and CHG showering me with wine-flavored kisses, i became extremely light-headed.. after getting out, i immediately knew i was in trouble but i didn't know what was happening.. like any man who drinks wine and reads Cosmo would do, i tried hustling to the bathroom to assess the situation privately and figure out why our kitchen turned into a life-size blender and our usual hardwood floors were now quicksand..

"oh my God!".. those were the next words i heard, courtesy of Cute Hometown Girl.. realizing we were both still wearing our swim gear and in the kitchen, this situation quickly fell into the "negative" column of "things that can happen on a date" list.. i had blacked out.. great, i can't even handle a couple glasses of wine in the hot tub, how is this girl still in our kitchen and not on her way home?.. i hadn't realized that i hadn't eaten much all day until CHG asked me.. luckily for me, she was as sweet as she could be about the entire situation, asking me if i was okay, making me a peanut butter sandwich and not calling me a "pussy lightweight".. as uncool as i was by blacking out from wine and not eating, she was very cool for how she handled the situation and the genuine concern she showed for me, which was a good feeling.. so in the grand scheme of things, the bad news was that i sustained a possible slight concussion for the next few days, evidenced by being extremely tired, having headaches and tingling in my left leg.. but the good news is that i found out that Cute Hometown Girl grooves on me enough to take care of me when i get my anorexia on and bounce my skull off the kitchen floor.. i'll take that trade off every time.. ya know, i bet i never would have blacked out if i had used that "Macho Man" glass.. we all make mistakes, right??

the quiet screaming..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the lady at my work who shaves her eyebrows off then draws them back on with permanent marker, and the guy who fell down the steps at the Boston Bruins hockey game i went to, tossing 2 beers on the crowd and injuring his knee..

here's the rundown of my favorite recent text exchange involving my brother and i after chatting about the Twins:

him: Alright, I gotta go to a parade..
me: Cool, I'll let your boyfriend know you won't be home for supper..
him: I'll let your niece know you're ripping her event..
me: That can't make her feel worse than finding out her dad is gay..

i think the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was invented less for homosexuals in the army and more for roommates texting you to inform you that their girlfriend had her period the night before so they couldn't have sex.. hypothetically speaking..

how does someone weigh the possible outcomes and decide that, yes, running with the bulls in Spain is a good idea? not doing it = being alive.. doing it = good chance of being stampeded to death by bulls and other drunken morons with a slight chance of having your prostate gored by a horn.. cool! or bull riders who get stuck in their rope and have the bull run around the circle and bounce their forehead off every fence post, then play hopscotch on their ribs and cheekbones.. but don't worry, that clown will help.. by whistling and waving his arms like he actually cares.. he gets his paycheck either way..

i like when people brag about doing stuff they should do:

"hey, i take care of my kids"..
"i pay my bills"..
"i haven't been to jail in like 5 years"..
"i've never cheated on my wife"..

you'll usually hear this stuff being said on day-time talk shows or "Cops".. it's fun.. one more reason why "Cops" is the one of the greatest things to happen on Earth ever..

had a solid Friday night.. i realized during my workday that all my roommates would be gone so i devised a plan to clean our house while drinking and not look like a complete soak.. so i emailed my brother to get his opinions on a few cheap wines (yes, you can insert your jokes here).. anyway, this was his response:

"There is a Shiraz called "Fat Bastard" that is really good. Actually most wines around $10 are pretty good. I'd choose a Cabernet Sauvignon or a Shiraz rather than a Merlot. Merlot is more hit or miss.. at least for me."

i don't have many rules, but one of them is "anytime a wine is named 'Fat Bastard', you have to drink it".. so i did.. and i enjoyed it.. a cute girl from my hometown who i only have corresponded with via Facebook to this point is an expert on wine, and she alerted me to the fact that white wine is more appropriate for a "fun" occasion, whereas red wine is used more for "seduction".. which makes me nervous, since "Fat Bastard" is red and i was drinking it alone and am also drinking it right now.. oh well.. a glass of wine a day keeps the doctor away.. and beer every Friday has covered my abs with an inch of fat.. make fun of me all you want, you won't be making fun of me when i let you do your laundry on my washboard abs in the near future..

Dear Servers at Restaurants, it's okay if you don't check on us 23 times in an hour-long meal.. come back a few minutes after bringing the food to make sure everything tastes okay and wasn't cooked wrong (i.e. ordered a medium-well steak and you bring out a cow that's still breathing.. that's always negative).. then come back when you see the drinks are empty, then come back with the check.. your tip will thank you..

anytime someone starts a sentence with "i'm not a racist but..", they're about to say something racist.. the same goes for "no disrespect" and "no offense", someones about to be disrespected or offended..

what's more violent, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood or the typical major league baseball "brawl"? almost every fight goes like this: the batter usually throws his helmet, legitimately pissed, and sprints towards the pitcher.. but about 15 feet away, he'll slow down to make sure his skirt isn't ruffled and his mascara isn't smudged.. meanwhile, the pitcher is sharpening his fingernails and takes off one of his heels to swing wildly.. and the rest of the players get each other in weird "this is probably gonna be on Sportscenter, let's pretend this hurts" WWF moves until the 300 pound umpires show up, needing oxygen.. ahh, America's past time..

on the list of songs that make me want a poisonous snake to chew on my eardrums and render me deaf, Craig Morgan's "International Harvester" and Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" are 1A. and 1B., respectively..

here's another list, a list of things Kevin Federline (aka, K-Fed, it's a nickname i made up, feel free to use it) sucks at: dancing, rapping, dressing himself, being sober, shaving, using birth control, fatherhood and life.. other than that, a pretty solid individual..

i'm preparing myself for hate mail with this opinion but i'm sorry girls, Tim McGraw is not a good singer.. i love some of his songs, in fact "Don't Take The Girl" was my absolute favorite song as a little guy, but compared to the majority of male singers in Nashville, he's way below average.. he's a great entertainer and has a wife who is muy caliente but he's the beneficiary of great song writing.. he's not even close vocally to guys like Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney, Brad Paisley, Gary Allan, Toby Keith, Eric Church, Blake Shelton, Chris Cagle, and the guy who sings for Rascal Flatts, just to name a few.. i like a lot of his songs but he's not a good vocalist.. the same goes for Sara Evans on the female side.. she's got a record deal because she's attractive and people write songs that fit her vocal range and are catchy.. she's also not a good vocalist.. trust me, i sing in the car and every time i'm drunk.. i'm an expert :)

don't talk to a man about politics, religion or how he should be managing his grill..

ever been to a party? great, then you'll know these guys.. guys at parties who suck (with some help from the Jim Rome radio show):

- the guy who insists on cleaning up during the party.. and he doesn't even live there.. he'll just go around asking if you're done with your drink, carrying a huge Hefty bag and annoying people..

- the guy who doesn't know anyone else there except you so he's all up in your mix the entire night.. you barely know him but he definitely knows you, so he basically handcuffs himself to you the whole time..

- the guy who's completely wasted about a half hour into the party.. he's bonging three beers at a time, taking jello shots by the handful, killing the Tippy Cup circuit.. passed out by about 9:30.. (selfish editors note: i'm currently the 3 time defending Tippy Cup champion of the world from the parties in our garage.. i actually want to make myself a championship belt to wear in public.. or at least around the house)..

- the girl who's crying in the middle of the party.. inevitably she was wronged by her douche bag boyfriend who was hitting on the drunk slut with the giant cans and wardrobe malfunction (read: ass crack showing).. so now her girlfriends are telling her that she's too good for him.. meanwhile, he drunkenly texts an apology while making out with the Ass Crack girl in the parents bedroom and everything is all good.. ahh, true love..

- the creepy guy who tries to get with every chick at the end of the night.. he was cool all night until he sees the party start to die (Dumb and Dumber: "boy this party really died".. love that).. he immediately starts cutting off chicks at the front door, working his magic but somehow using the phrase "mouth party", effectively ending that.. doesn't matter, there's another drunk girl leaving!

- the guy who wears enough cologne to kill a large moose.. one and a half sprays is plenty, it's not designed for one-time usage.. you might have a chance with the gals if they could breathe..

- the guy who gives you the statistics of how many drinks he's had.. "ohhh dude, i'm so wasted.. i've already had 6 beers, 4 jello shots, 3 jag bombs and like 2 1/2 Captain Cokes".. great, i'll take you third overall next weekend in my Fantasy Drunk Guy draft, but right now i'm doing work on this Tippy Cup game so quit talking to me..

- the guy from work who you never talk to at work but now you can't shake him.. he's like your best friend.. "hey man, we should get lunch on Monday or something".. dude, it's Friday night, what the hell are you talking about Monday for?

- the guy who drags you into the backyard to have a heart-to-heart talk.. "dude, we need to hang out more.... not being gay or anything, but... i love you man.. we seriously need to hang out more".. then he gives you a weird genitalia-to-genitalia hug..

- the girl who takes pictures constantly.. pictures are fine.. i like pictures from parties.. but we don't need to pose for 4 of the same picture.. it's a party, people are supposed to look stupid and drunk and non-coherent.. just take action pictures of the guy with the Co-ed Naked t-shirt on taking a keg stand.. and falling over.. and not getting up.. and his buddies drawing things on his face..

- the guy who's convinced there's a better party somewhere else.. "dude, this party sucks, so and so are at this party, they say it's awesome.. let's go man!!".. ummm if you haven't noticed, i'm, like, totally making out with this red-hot boombalottie that i don't know, so i'm pretty set at the moment..

-the guy who says "i'd hit that" about every girl that walks by.. we get it, you have a .23 blood alcohol level and she has a vagina so you'd have sex with her.. terrific.. take off your high school letter jacket and join the rest of us adults..


that's where i'll stop, for two reasons.. it's time for Conan to start and this wine makes me have to pee like Dave Matthews.. (the drummer to Dave Matthews is friends with my brother and his wife and sends them Christmas cards.. kinda confusing, but long story short, i'm famous)..

editors note: the Twins were beating Seattle 6-0 when i decided it was probably over and i started writing this.. it's now 11-6 Seattle, creating the "never blog during a Twins game" rule..