the quiet screaming..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the lady at my work who shaves her eyebrows off then draws them back on with permanent marker, and the guy who fell down the steps at the Boston Bruins hockey game i went to, tossing 2 beers on the crowd and injuring his knee..

here's the rundown of my favorite recent text exchange involving my brother and i after chatting about the Twins:

him: Alright, I gotta go to a parade..
me: Cool, I'll let your boyfriend know you won't be home for supper..
him: I'll let your niece know you're ripping her event..
me: That can't make her feel worse than finding out her dad is gay..

i think the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was invented less for homosexuals in the army and more for roommates texting you to inform you that their girlfriend had her period the night before so they couldn't have sex.. hypothetically speaking..

how does someone weigh the possible outcomes and decide that, yes, running with the bulls in Spain is a good idea? not doing it = being alive.. doing it = good chance of being stampeded to death by bulls and other drunken morons with a slight chance of having your prostate gored by a horn.. cool! or bull riders who get stuck in their rope and have the bull run around the circle and bounce their forehead off every fence post, then play hopscotch on their ribs and cheekbones.. but don't worry, that clown will help.. by whistling and waving his arms like he actually cares.. he gets his paycheck either way..

i like when people brag about doing stuff they should do:

"hey, i take care of my kids"..
"i pay my bills"..
"i haven't been to jail in like 5 years"..
"i've never cheated on my wife"..

you'll usually hear this stuff being said on day-time talk shows or "Cops".. it's fun.. one more reason why "Cops" is the one of the greatest things to happen on Earth ever..

had a solid Friday night.. i realized during my workday that all my roommates would be gone so i devised a plan to clean our house while drinking and not look like a complete soak.. so i emailed my brother to get his opinions on a few cheap wines (yes, you can insert your jokes here).. anyway, this was his response:

"There is a Shiraz called "Fat Bastard" that is really good. Actually most wines around $10 are pretty good. I'd choose a Cabernet Sauvignon or a Shiraz rather than a Merlot. Merlot is more hit or miss.. at least for me."

i don't have many rules, but one of them is "anytime a wine is named 'Fat Bastard', you have to drink it".. so i did.. and i enjoyed it.. a cute girl from my hometown who i only have corresponded with via Facebook to this point is an expert on wine, and she alerted me to the fact that white wine is more appropriate for a "fun" occasion, whereas red wine is used more for "seduction".. which makes me nervous, since "Fat Bastard" is red and i was drinking it alone and am also drinking it right now.. oh well.. a glass of wine a day keeps the doctor away.. and beer every Friday has covered my abs with an inch of fat.. make fun of me all you want, you won't be making fun of me when i let you do your laundry on my washboard abs in the near future..

Dear Servers at Restaurants, it's okay if you don't check on us 23 times in an hour-long meal.. come back a few minutes after bringing the food to make sure everything tastes okay and wasn't cooked wrong (i.e. ordered a medium-well steak and you bring out a cow that's still breathing.. that's always negative).. then come back when you see the drinks are empty, then come back with the check.. your tip will thank you..

anytime someone starts a sentence with "i'm not a racist but..", they're about to say something racist.. the same goes for "no disrespect" and "no offense", someones about to be disrespected or offended..

what's more violent, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood or the typical major league baseball "brawl"? almost every fight goes like this: the batter usually throws his helmet, legitimately pissed, and sprints towards the pitcher.. but about 15 feet away, he'll slow down to make sure his skirt isn't ruffled and his mascara isn't smudged.. meanwhile, the pitcher is sharpening his fingernails and takes off one of his heels to swing wildly.. and the rest of the players get each other in weird "this is probably gonna be on Sportscenter, let's pretend this hurts" WWF moves until the 300 pound umpires show up, needing oxygen.. ahh, America's past time..

on the list of songs that make me want a poisonous snake to chew on my eardrums and render me deaf, Craig Morgan's "International Harvester" and Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" are 1A. and 1B., respectively..

here's another list, a list of things Kevin Federline (aka, K-Fed, it's a nickname i made up, feel free to use it) sucks at: dancing, rapping, dressing himself, being sober, shaving, using birth control, fatherhood and life.. other than that, a pretty solid individual..

i'm preparing myself for hate mail with this opinion but i'm sorry girls, Tim McGraw is not a good singer.. i love some of his songs, in fact "Don't Take The Girl" was my absolute favorite song as a little guy, but compared to the majority of male singers in Nashville, he's way below average.. he's a great entertainer and has a wife who is muy caliente but he's the beneficiary of great song writing.. he's not even close vocally to guys like Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney, Brad Paisley, Gary Allan, Toby Keith, Eric Church, Blake Shelton, Chris Cagle, and the guy who sings for Rascal Flatts, just to name a few.. i like a lot of his songs but he's not a good vocalist.. the same goes for Sara Evans on the female side.. she's got a record deal because she's attractive and people write songs that fit her vocal range and are catchy.. she's also not a good vocalist.. trust me, i sing in the car and every time i'm drunk.. i'm an expert :)

don't talk to a man about politics, religion or how he should be managing his grill..

ever been to a party? great, then you'll know these guys.. guys at parties who suck (with some help from the Jim Rome radio show):

- the guy who insists on cleaning up during the party.. and he doesn't even live there.. he'll just go around asking if you're done with your drink, carrying a huge Hefty bag and annoying people..

- the guy who doesn't know anyone else there except you so he's all up in your mix the entire night.. you barely know him but he definitely knows you, so he basically handcuffs himself to you the whole time..

- the guy who's completely wasted about a half hour into the party.. he's bonging three beers at a time, taking jello shots by the handful, killing the Tippy Cup circuit.. passed out by about 9:30.. (selfish editors note: i'm currently the 3 time defending Tippy Cup champion of the world from the parties in our garage.. i actually want to make myself a championship belt to wear in public.. or at least around the house)..

- the girl who's crying in the middle of the party.. inevitably she was wronged by her douche bag boyfriend who was hitting on the drunk slut with the giant cans and wardrobe malfunction (read: ass crack showing).. so now her girlfriends are telling her that she's too good for him.. meanwhile, he drunkenly texts an apology while making out with the Ass Crack girl in the parents bedroom and everything is all good.. ahh, true love..

- the creepy guy who tries to get with every chick at the end of the night.. he was cool all night until he sees the party start to die (Dumb and Dumber: "boy this party really died".. love that).. he immediately starts cutting off chicks at the front door, working his magic but somehow using the phrase "mouth party", effectively ending that.. doesn't matter, there's another drunk girl leaving!

- the guy who wears enough cologne to kill a large moose.. one and a half sprays is plenty, it's not designed for one-time usage.. you might have a chance with the gals if they could breathe..

- the guy who gives you the statistics of how many drinks he's had.. "ohhh dude, i'm so wasted.. i've already had 6 beers, 4 jello shots, 3 jag bombs and like 2 1/2 Captain Cokes".. great, i'll take you third overall next weekend in my Fantasy Drunk Guy draft, but right now i'm doing work on this Tippy Cup game so quit talking to me..

- the guy from work who you never talk to at work but now you can't shake him.. he's like your best friend.. "hey man, we should get lunch on Monday or something".. dude, it's Friday night, what the hell are you talking about Monday for?

- the guy who drags you into the backyard to have a heart-to-heart talk.. "dude, we need to hang out more.... not being gay or anything, but... i love you man.. we seriously need to hang out more".. then he gives you a weird genitalia-to-genitalia hug..

- the girl who takes pictures constantly.. pictures are fine.. i like pictures from parties.. but we don't need to pose for 4 of the same picture.. it's a party, people are supposed to look stupid and drunk and non-coherent.. just take action pictures of the guy with the Co-ed Naked t-shirt on taking a keg stand.. and falling over.. and not getting up.. and his buddies drawing things on his face..

- the guy who's convinced there's a better party somewhere else.. "dude, this party sucks, so and so are at this party, they say it's awesome.. let's go man!!".. ummm if you haven't noticed, i'm, like, totally making out with this red-hot boombalottie that i don't know, so i'm pretty set at the moment..

-the guy who says "i'd hit that" about every girl that walks by.. we get it, you have a .23 blood alcohol level and she has a vagina so you'd have sex with her.. terrific.. take off your high school letter jacket and join the rest of us adults..


that's where i'll stop, for two reasons.. it's time for Conan to start and this wine makes me have to pee like Dave Matthews.. (the drummer to Dave Matthews is friends with my brother and his wife and sends them Christmas cards.. kinda confusing, but long story short, i'm famous)..

editors note: the Twins were beating Seattle 6-0 when i decided it was probably over and i started writing this.. it's now 11-6 Seattle, creating the "never blog during a Twins game" rule..