breakfast at tiffany's..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by people who use "preggers" as slang for pregnant and the dude i saw golfing with cut-off jean shorts, sneakers and an ACDC t-shirt.. long afternoon..

first of all, congratulations to me for getting the rare raise today that's not the obligatory "end of the year/bonus/we're giving this to everyone/blah blah blah" kind and is the "we appreciate your flexibility and hard work/middle of the summer/you're cooler and smarter than everyone else here, especially the lady who sits in the lunchroom with her legs spread open instead of crossing them" variety.. just thought i'd throw that in, selfishly..

i think the worst feeling on earth is the feeling you get right before you get a cold.. for me it's just a scratchy throat but i always envision the next couple days will involve 105 degree fevers and bleeding from the ears..

staying on that topic, how much shit can come out of one persons head? i could blow my nose with a Brillo pad at this point and it wouldn't matter.. Paris Hilton's vagina thinks my nose has been beat up the past few days..

do you think Bert calls Ernie, and after talking for 4 hours says he's not going to hang up until Ernie hangs up and they go back and forth for a bit? of course not, they share a one-bedroom apartment.. unless one of them is away on business, of course.. but then Ernie is probably busy housing Elmo, let's face it..

a guy asked for Virginia Slims at the gas station today.. his gal got Marlboro reds.. that's funny.. match made in heaven..

there should be more whistles in water polo that mean absolutely nothing, it would make it more enjoyable to watch..

school is almost starting, can't wait to get my "Full House" Trapper Keeper and rock that in Earth Science..

you know that guy who goes to the bowling alley with his wrist guard, chalk, personalized ball and cut-off Dale Earnhardt, Jr. t-shirt and proceeds to bowl a 137? he's my favorite..

went to Mongo's today for the first time in history.. if tastebuds can have orgasms, mine had multiple.. it's so good, this exchange occurred between my roommate and i on the way out.. Me: "these covers are doing absolutely nothing right now".. Him: "if you fucking drop mine i will beat the piss out of you".. fair enough.. that same roommate told me i'm too nice and need to be a dick sometimes.. i guess that was my first lesson..

if you comment on how good a woman looks pregnant, make sure she's pregnant.. or at least a woman.. your safest bet is to act oblivious until the baby is born, then act surprised.. and don't be fooled by that "water breaking" nonsense.. that can happen to anyone..

here are some acceptable and unacceptable responses to a woman asking "do you know what today is?":

ACCEPTABLE:

"anniversary of (insert important day here.. omit the time you ran over her cat twice 'on accident')"..

"birthday" (this could be hers, your children's, her parents, Oprah's, etc.)..

"Kwanzaa"

"Boxing Day in Canada"

"Rosh Hashanah"

"Columbus Day" (side note: a couple weeks ago, a gas station cashier alerted me to the fact that Christopher Columbus raped Indians when he got here.. you know what, he found America without a map and i can't find my niece's fucking birthday party without Mapquest.. so i'll let that slide)..

"First Day of Summer" (doesn't matter if it's snowing, say it with conviction)..


UNACCEPTABLE:

"the day you start dieting?"


i'm debuting a new feature now called "Song Lyrics of the Week", since i usually post every week or so.. i'll pick some of my favorite lyrics and post them here, that way if you download music or whatever and you think you may like a song, you'll know what song it is.. i'm on a Dashboard Confessional kick right now, so here are a few of their songs..

"Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it:"I'll love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, And sit alone and wonder, how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.

I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
when did your eyes Begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder...
How you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone...Making out

Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.


"Only Gift That I Need" by Dashboard Confessional

You'll be leaving for the winter, but I won't see that it's true
It's the right thing for you, but it's tough to be moved
With the holiday spirit, when to tell you the truth
I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you.

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me
Only gift that I need.

I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters and your post cards
Every single word is like a secret wish come true
Who cares if we're apart for the big days
It's the small ones made me fall in love with you (fall in love with you).

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me

Only gift that I need.
Only gift that I need.


"Remember To Breathe" by Dashboard Confessional

She fixes her lips,
They always look perfect.
Never a smudge line,
Never too much.

I try on my blue shirt,
She told me she liked it... once.
She wonders what I'll wear.
She knows just what she'll wear.
She always wears blue.

So sneakers or flip-flops?
I'm starting to panic, wait wait

Remember she asked you,
Remember to breathe.
And everything will be okay.
Okay
Okay
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
(whisper)Okay.


"Shirts And Gloves" by Dashboard Confessional

When I'm back from the road
and you're out on it
And I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over, it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.

Road rules apply
there's so much action,
you're getting busy.
So I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
and so am I...so am I.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them
it seems like nothings happened
until I've shared them with you.
And the note that you had called
says you're half a day away
and you are heading home
just in time for me, for me to leave.

So make sure that I'm up to date on TV night,
I hate to miss out.
I think I miss you most on Wednesdays
and Saturdays.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.