all i want for christmas is you..

this post is being co-brought to you by parents who talk about their kids nonstop, 30+ year-old men exchanging video game strategies at work and guys who speed up around corners when it's snowing and go in the ditch, usually in loud trucks..

here's further proof that girls mature faster than guys: last weekend i was at the bar with a group of both sexes.. on the girls side of the table, the discussion was their babies, which led to pictures of said babies being passed around.. on the guys side of the table the discussion was hunting and fishing, which led to pictures of said animals and fish being passed around.. the saddest part, you ask? i was more interested in the girls conversation..

also, this past Saturday i was at a small party where eventually the girls broke away from the guys and went into the kitchen.. that's where the beer was, so i had to invade enemy territory to reload.. their discussion was centered around recipes and what was all in some pickle dish thing.. i scoff at them, grab one of the pickle things and return to the living room where the men were.. the discussion there was drunken tales from college, highlighted by a story where one friend puked in a hamper and then crawled into bed with a guy he had met 6 hours prior, who happened to be the owner of that hamper.. boys will be boys..

my love for Christmas has no end.. it's impossible to hear Christmas music and be in a bad mood.. when i was little, our routine was to go to my grandma and grandpas house on Christmas Eve, of course listening to Christmas music the entire way, have dinner and open presents.. this is still the routine but all the other siblings have wives or boyfriends and they have other obligations, so now it's just my parents and i.. anyway, my sister and i would play this game on the ride there, where we would count houses with Christmas lights on their respective side of the car and the person with the most would win.. then we would get to grandma and grandpa's and immediately head for the Christmas tree to find our gifts and guess what is in them.. we'd have dinner, which was always amazing.. my grandma, who has since passed away, made the best dinner buns in history.. it's not even close.. then we'd open gifts, and my favorite part every year is my dad and i guessing what everyone is opening.. grandma could be holding the smallest gift ever, i'd look at my dad and he'd say "pogo stick" or "speed boat" or something ridiculous and i'd always laugh.. a 70-year-old woman getting a pogo stick.. that's comedy.. or grandpa would be opening what would turn out to be a calender, i'd look over at my dad and say, "riding lawn mower" while he's opening it.. love that.. eventually we would get home and although my room was downstairs, i'd sleep upstairs on my sisters floor so whichever one of us woke up first, we'd wake the other one up and go check out what Santa brought.. suddenly the alarm clock in my brain would wake me up around 6:30, rather than the usual 9 or 10.. i miss those Christmases..

one year, as i'm sure we've all done as kids, i decided i wanted to open up a gift a little early and that mom and dad didn't need to know about it.. i'm sure no one was home at the time, but i did my best army crawl behind the chair to find the gift i wanted to open, grabbed it, and raced down to my room.. i opened it immediately and saw it was some wrestling movie or game.. well mom eventually found out and was not impressed by my eagerness to open a gift early, even though i navigated my way through the living room with great precision.. she took it from me and said she was going to return it to the store.. this caused me great trauma because at that age, i was obsessed with wrestling.. as it turns out, that gift was back under the tree on Christmas morning, complete with the ripped wrapping paper underneath the new wrapping paper, to make sure i remembered what i did.. it ended up being a Nintendo game and that year we got a Nintendo as well.. at my age, and in my rush to not get spanked, i wasn't able to put 2 and 2 together to realize that it was a Nintendo game, which would have ruined that surprise too..

it must have taught me a lesson because to this day i am extremely generous when it comes to Christmas.. we used to buy gifts for everyone in our immediate family but since my brothers got married and had kids, that got to be a bit expensive.. now us kids and "significant others" draw names and buy them a gift in the $20-$30 range.. well the person lucky enough to be drawn by me will be receiving over $50 worth of gifts.. my mom said to me today, "i still think you got him too much" but to me, money is no object at Christmas time and i just love the feeling of making someone happy, especially family.. also, if anyone needs Christmas ideas for me, Carrie Underwood wearing lace-up fishnet cheeky hiphuggers from Victoria's Secret (i have them "favorited" on my computer, just in case if you need help), a white tank top and a Santa hat.. i've been good this year..

i know we've all been at that age where our parents are the least coolest humans on earth.. where we're afraid to be seen with them in public, we tell them to park a little further away and we'll walk to them, that sort of thing.. this is usually around the time in school when we're fighting to be friends with the "cool" kids.. this is something i will never forget.. i was in this age range (probably 10-13) and my mom and sister were going shopping, i was going to my cousins house.. my mom said she was going to buy me a winter coat and this was about the time when Starter jackets were all the rage.. so i told her that i didn't care what team it was, as long as it was a Starter jacket.. we were not the richest family around, we didn't have enough money to be spending it on name brand clothes when cheaper clothes would do.. but at this age you don't see that, you just worry about fitting in.. so after a few hours at my cousins house, i call home to see if they had gotten back from shopping.. they had, so i ask my mom what kind of jacket she had got.. it was a Philadelphia Eagles jacket.. i asked if it was Starter and she said it wasn't because she couldn't afford it.. i remember saying stuff about how everyone else's parents were so much cooler and got their kids these kind of things and her just being silent on the phone.. i hung up without saying "bye" to her.. of course, being the mama's boy that i am, i waited for what seemed like an hour but was probably about a minute before calling back to apologize, and she was crying when she answered.. i'll never ever forget that, to this day i can't handle seeing my mom cry.. also, my parents are pretty damn cool..

you should stretch before and after playing Nintendo Wii, or muscles you've never used before will be screaming at you for days..

if you're looking for an entertaining and highly comical book, read "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" by Tucker Max.. apparently he had an Internet web page where he would write stories about his college days, drinking and sex with numerous women and he put these stories in book form and it became a New York Times bestseller.. it's laugh-out-loud funny, very few books are.. one of the funnier parts:

this was a part of a story where he had sex with this girl named "Stephanie", led her to believe that he really liked her and then stopped calling:

"She called and called and called, and I ignored and ignored and ignored, until one day she decided she needed to take her anger out at me in person. I was drinking at a bar with some friends when she and her ugly friend (all hot girls have at least one ugly friend) came storming in.

Ugly friend "why haven't you been calling her back?"
Tucker "Why haven't you been losing weight? Same reason."
Stephanie "SHE IS NOT FAT!"
Tucker "That's not what you say behind her back."

Her friend wasn't actually fat - only by ridiculous South Beach model standards - but the point was to undermine Stephanie's moral support, not to be factually correct.

Ugly friend "You called me fat?"
Stephanie "NO! TUCKER, YOU ASSHOLE! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BACK?"
Tucker "I didn't want to. Let it go, and just leave."
Stephanie "FUCK YOU! I DON'T CARE ANYWAY, YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK AND YOU SUCK IN BED AND YOU CUM QUICKLY!"

Oh, Steph... I wish you hadn't done that. Granted, I was a cowardly dickhead and I should have called you, but you called me out in front of other people... now I have to destroy you.

Tucker "Well, if that's the case, then why did you search me down to scream like a lunatic about getting dumped? Shouldn't you be happy about losing me instead of embarrassing yourself in public like this?"
Stephanie "I AM NOT EMBARRASSING MYSELF"
Tucker "Then why is everyone laughing at you? You want to know why I didn't call you back? Because you are insane and whorish. When you close that revolving man-door you call a vagina, come back and we'll see if I've gotten any better in bed."
Stephanie "FUCK YOU!"
Tucker "I'm sorry that you hate yourself and that no one loves you, but it's time to end this crazy show. Take the mountain troll and leave- we are trying to meet some women who are actually dateable."

She was utterly fucking speechless. At that moment, if she shitted a dictionary you couldn't have gotten a word from her. She turned to leave; if I was a good person I would have let it go there, but that's just not me:

Tucker "Didn't go as well as you thought it would, did it? I bet some random guy is getting pussy tonight! Female insecurity: it's the gift that keeps on giving!"

The whole little crowd that had gathered were laughing, even the bartenders. I am pretty sure by the time she hit the door Stephanie was in tears. Win the crowd and you always win the argument.

Tucker: 10
Stephanie: 0"

that's only part of the story.. that one ended with her convincing Tucker that she had Chlamydia and he should get tested.. the only way to do that is to insert a metal rod into your urethra.. so he reluctantly got it done after she convinced him that she had the disease and it came back negative.. he later found out she had a friend who was a nurse and that nurse took a positive test from a patient, whited out the name, put Stephanie's name on it and sent it to Tucker, which was what finally convinced him to get tested.. another favorite part of the book that's in my head is when a girl said to him before sex, "I don't know if we should do this. I can't have another abortion"... goodbye erection..

recently receive two more books from Men's Health in the mail for a free 21-day preview.. since i haven't taken the plastic off them yet, here are some of my favorite bulletin points on the back:

- Make the most satisfying sex position of all time even better
- The time of day when your body is most sensitive to her touch
- 23 games sexy people play
- 41 exciting sex positions, including the Interlace, the Monkey, and Split the Whisker
- The truth behind the 4 most damaging sex myths
- Her 18 most powerful fantasies
- 15 sensational kissing techniques

since it's the holiday season, my work has allowed us to wear regular clothing instead of company shirts.. cool, right? wrong.. this one girl there looks like your average good looking chick in the normal, loose fitting company shirts.. in regular (read: tight) clothes, she's absolutely fucking ridiculous.. she walked by today, and someone said to me, "she's pretty hot, isn't she?".. "i don't understand the question," i replied.. "hot" isn't a good enough adjective.. it's like someone spilled lava all over her.. should be illegal to look like that at work..

text of the month: (2:30 a.m. on a weekday) "I think you're really hot"... Me "okay, who is this?".. no response.. fun..

was at Applebees tonight, overheard a group of high school girls discuss whether or not you could get pregnant in a hot tub.. they finally decided that you couldn't, probably for no other reason than one of them had already done it and was hoping to not be pregnant.. our nation's future, everyone..

lost my "drinking a 40 oz. beer while in the shower" virginity this past Friday.. pretty proud.. where's the "Cops" television crew when you need them? apparently i needed to domestically assault someone..

it snowed a hell of a lot this past weekend.. which means shoveling.. here's a running diary of the events on Saturday..

11:25 a.m.: i wake up and have to pee like Johnny Damon.. walk to bathroom, notice an odd sound.. look out the window, Roommate is shoveling the driveway.. he looks kinda cold.. i laugh and go back to my warm bed..

11:30 a.m.: guilt hits me that he's shoveling byhimself.. fuck, i guess i'll go help.. put on sweatpants, sweatshirt, hat and gloves.. it can't be that cold out..

11:31 a.m.: walk back inside to grab coat..

11:32 a.m.: Roommate says "rise and shine" to me, i think making fun of the fact that i slept til 11:30.. garage floor more slippery than usual.. nearly do the splits and tear my scrotum from my leg.. that would ruin my weekend.. Roommate "it's a little slick in there".. thanks..

11:33 a.m.: see Roommate using one shovel with another one on the ground near him
Me "how many shovels do you need?"..
Roommate "this one pushes better but that one scoops better.. that one got stuck when i was pushing and hit me in the pills the first time i used it"..
Me "nice"..

11:40 a.m.: sure am glad that snowplow came by and left that 5 foot drift at the end of the driveway.. wish Shaun White would come over with his snowboard..

11:45 a.m.: Roommate "i want a snowblower for Christmas".. Me "what are you talking about? we're doing the parking lot across the street next".. Roommate (sarcastically) "i'll meet you there"..

11:50 p.m.: notice houses on either side of ours own snowblowers.. devise plan to steal snowblower using same strategy as opening Christmas gift early..

11:55 a.m.: Me "how badly do you think (Roommate 2 and 3) want to get to the back to park in the garage?"..

11:56 a.m.: still wondering..

11:57 a.m.: start shoveling path for other roommates.. hope Santa is watching..

12:00 p.m.: Roommate "just dripping ball sweat right now"..

12:10 p.m.: Me "i can't wait until my shovel catches on something and i break my wrist"..

12:20 p.m.: we had made a pitcher of Strip and Go Naked's the night before.. Roommate informs me that when we are done we have to have some "Sex and Go Naked's".. Me "never heard of it"..

12:21 p.m.: i inform Roommate that we left the pitcher on the counter overnight, not in the refrigerator, the decidedly smarter spot.. Roommate "that's probably better, it tasted like shit last night"..

12:30 p.m.: Me "you should shovel off (roommates girlfriends) car"..
Roommate "these shovels have metal edges"..
Me "oh"..

12:40 p.m.: now i know how old people die doing this.. i'm relatively young and my back feels like i body-slammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3..

12:45 p.m.: victory beers..


Have a safe and Merry Christmas and happy New Year!! thanks for reading this trash :)


Lyrics of the Week

"Christmas Shoes" by Bob Carlisle

It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two
Not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do
And in his hands he held
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.

He counted pennies for what seem like years
And the cashier says son there's not enough here
He searched his pockets frantically
And he turned and he looked at me
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I layed the money down
I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Momma's gonna look so great.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful,
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out.
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight


"White Horse" by Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.


"Crazy About You" by Ryan Adams

trust is a weird thing
make you crazy
make you jealous
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

and i guess i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

and love is a wonderful thing
make you wanna
make you need to
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

baby i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

baby i want you
honey i need you
i know you want to
i can feel you

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you


"18 Days" by Saving Abel

Its been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't wanna have to change
If I don't then no one will
Is it my state of mind
Or is it just everything else?
I don't wanna have to be here
I don't understand it now

Cause its been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like
It feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to re-arrange
Some say its the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you..

Time after time
I've been through this
You show me what it means to live
You give me hope when I was hopeless
As my days fade to night
I remember that state of mind
I'm soaring straight into your heart
And I'll fly high

Cause it's been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like
It feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to re-arrange
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Some say it's the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you

And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this

Cause it's been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't wanna have to change
If I don't then no one will

Cause its been too many days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like
It feel like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to re-arrange
Some say it's the hardest thing to do
But that's just too many days without you

And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this..


"Piece of You" by Tim Mahoney

Didn't work out the way it should
Like everything in my life
Stuck in a rut in my own little world
Gotta break out of this
If I could just hear your voice, I swear
I would do anything
I call you up but you're not there
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard, so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

I sent you a message at 2 a.m.
I'm such an idiot
I can't believe the things I said
How did you deal with it?
I understand why you're not here
You push away, she won't stay
Sorrow steeps inside my tears
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard, so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I'm still waiting
I'll take a piece of you with me
I know, I know, I know


"Theme Song" by Tim Mahoney

You're looking at yourself in the mirror
Seems like that's all you're about
You're acting like a bitch out of water
You still haven't figured it out

And what a waste of a pretty face
I can see right through you
A little style, a little grace
It might really do you

Cause you're drop dead
But you're misled
Cause you're ugly on the inside
Cocaine
Champagne
You're just looking for a good time
In your head, in your head
You ain't doing nothing wrong
Maybe this could be your theme song

You're kinda like a bad vibration
Nobody wants you around
You're thinking you're the queen of the nightlife
you're just a drunk on the town
And what a waste of a pretty face
I can see right through you

Cause you're drop dead
But you're misled
Cause you're ugly on the inside
Cocaine
Champagne
You're just looking for a good time
In your head, in your head
You ain't doing nothing wrong
Maybe this could be your theme song
This could be your theme song


"Just A Girl" by Tim Mahoney

Woke up in your empty garden
You watch as I lay
You have no use for me it seems
You take what you need

She's polite like a wave in a parade
Says thank you and hello
But she'll break you up and cut you
Right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how she goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl
Just a girl

She laughs at her angels
She stands on her own
She won't lie
Look in her eyes
She'll run and hide

She's polite like a wave in a parade
Says thank you and hello
She'll break you up and cut you
Right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how she goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl
Just a girl

She's movin' on
That's how she goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that I'm still holdin' on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl
Just a girl