this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy who starts saying random numbers when you're counting something important and the guy who approached me in the Cash Wise parking lot asking for $20 "for a new tire", which i think is Homeless for "1.75 of Captain"..
just to let you know, i'm putting off eating to write this.. i'm so hungry right now i could eat hot shower water.. let's hope i stay conscious throughout this, we all know my history..
women fantasize about sex 34 times during the workday, according to Men's Health.. in a related story, guys like knowing that..
a random girl at the mall today told me i have a "very approachable smile".. the lesson, as always: all women should be considered completely insane until proven otherwise.. also, i held the door open for 2 older women when i was walking in and they were walking out and one of them said "oh, there are still some left".. i'm assuming she thought gentlemen were just a myth.. you know, like the Lochness Monster and the G-spot.. mom raised me right, i guess?
i think it's cold enough tonight to wear my lounge pants to bed!! they are so comfortable, i pretty much wore them all last winter.. my roommates pretend to not like it because you can "clearly see the bulge" of my baby-making equipment in them.. which, along with the pure satisfaction of knowing i was affecting their mood negatively, gave me a distinct advantage on dart night.. plus, i didn't hesitate to wear them when they had girls over.. pretty much the opposite of wingman at that point, but if you can't close the deal because i'm wearing marble-hugging pants and singing along with the Spice Girls, either you're not trying hard enough or it wasn't meant to be.. at least that's what i always say..
since yesterday was Labor Day, i was able to take in some daytime television (not soap operas, although my roommate tried finding "Days of our Lives", diseased).. anyway, i forgot how comical "Jerry Springer" was.. dudes leaving their girlfriends for the girls aunt who has 3 chins and one eyebrow.. guys pimping their niece out for cash, leading to her pregnancy (i know, crazy, right?) and her boyfriend "unsure of the situation" but totally sure of the 80's porn 'stache he's rocking.. i like when two overweight girls get into a catfight and they separate them but then hit the boxing bell and let them go at it again.. plus, if someones shirt gets ripped off, they blur it out like they think people want to see it.. and when the guy who has more tattoos than teeth starts to speak, the crowd chants "speak English!!" at him.. bottom line, brilliant television..
watched the news last night like the 25-year-old "adult" that i am and was amused by the protesters at the Republican National Convention handcuffing themselves together and laying down on an off ramp.. why? because they're fucking lunatics.. in no way does anything they're doing influence voters to see their point of view.. you don't like a candidate? great, don't vote for them and go back to skinning teenagers in your cabin deep in the woods.. you're against the war? throw shit through store windows and light things on fire.. cause that makes sense..
why do we need to send at least one reporter from every city in the United States to stand in the middle of a Category 3 hurricane? there are mandatory evacuations, unless you have a video camera and media credentials, i guess? i think most people are aware that it's going to be pretty windy and wet just by the term "hurricane".. no need to send Stormy Winters to stand on a dock overlooking the Gulf of Mexico to get the story firsthand, meanwhile she's horizontal holding onto a sign, her microphone and the umbrella that's doing absolutely nothing.. so dumb..
how many of you would come across a pregnant tiger in a tree and think pulling it out of said tree would be a good idea? zero? good, then you're with me.. apparently a town full of morons in Africa couldn't combine to reach this conclusion and it was comically brought to me via "When Animals Attack" or one of those shows yesterday afternoon.. if i see a pregnant tiger caged up at the zoo, i'm immediately screeching like a girl scout and fleeing for the exit.. inevitably, one of them got their leg chewed on and then the tiger chased some of the other idiots around until they shot her with a tranquilizer dart.. maybe do that before you pull on her legs to get her out of the tree? but hey, i'm no expert on tigers.. i also think it's cool when someone is getting attacked by a deer or a dog and the person operating the camera is more concerned with getting the footage than helping the attacked subject, who is probably a family member or close friend.. classic..
broke the "never blog during a Twins game" rule and it proved costly once again.. we were up 4-1 when i started, ended up losing 7-5.. what the hell is going on? anyway, i apologize to all Twins fans.. totally my fault.. a little fault goes to Glen Perkins and Boof Bonser for combining to give up 19 home runs.. but mostly my fault.. sometimes i wonder if anyone on the planet is dumber than me.. if we lose the division by one game, i'll take the blame.. maybe the Lynx can take some of the focus off the Twins..
Lyrics of the Week
"Question" by The Old 97's
She woke from a dream
Her head was on fire
Why was he so nervous?
He took her to the park
She crossed her arms
And lowered her eyelids
Some day somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I've got a question for you
She'd had no idea
Started to cry
She said "in a good way"
He took her by the hand
Walked her back home
They took the long way
Some day somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I've got a question for you
I've got a question for you
"Counting To 100" by Matt Wertz
Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hint maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you
So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek
How much longer will this game go on
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone
Overlooked in search of someone else
So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek
Please show your face
Because I want you to be it... yeah
I want you to be it
"Grand Theft Autumn" by Fall Out Boy
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.
When I wake up,
I'm willing to take my chances on the hope
I forget that you hate him more than you notice
I wrote this for you (for you, so...)
You need him
I could be him
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.
Someday I'll appreciate in value,
Get off my ass and call you
(But for) the meantime I'll sport my
Brand new fashion of waking up with pants on at four in the afternoon.
You need him I could be him
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.
1-2-3-4!
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.
(Won't find out) He won't find out
(Won't find out) He won't find out
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.
"Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what's best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes
I want a girl with the right allocations
Who's fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's playing with her jewelry
She's putting up her hair
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass
She is fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
And at the city bank we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cupholder arm rest
She wants a car that will get her there
She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen
She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler La Baron
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket
"Starlight" by Muse
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
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