nobody puts baby in the corner..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by teenage girls who talk about their relationships loud enough for everyone to hear, old guys who wear suspenders and "Last Call with Carson Daly"..

"moist" is the least-utilized word in the English language..

anything that includes the phrase "3 easy payments" is too expensive for you to buy..

girls, don't ask guys what shoes go with your outfit.. we're wearing cargo shorts and Adidas tennis shoes to a fancy restaurant, do you really want fashion advice from us? just be dressed and ready to go on time.. if we're with you, we think you look good..

Dear Brett Favre, we know how it feels to not be wanted in Wisconsin, too. Sincerely: Salads, Deodorant and Sleeves..

i like when parents have bumper stickers that say "Proud Parent of an Honors Student at (insert school here), like anyone else cares.. i'm inventing one that says "Proud Parent of a 3.5 GPA Student Who Has Lettered in 3 Sports, is the Starting Quarterback and is Fucking the Homecoming Queen Runner-Up".. i bet my kid is having more fun..

a few weeks ago i was driving home and i saw a mother on a cell phone walking on the sidewalk while her three young children rode bikes along side her.. one of her sons crashed his bike and rolled onto the road, crying like crazy.. most mothers would rush to help him up and make sure he's okay and out of the way of traffic, correct? she just shook her head at him and kept walking.. it absolutely blew my mind.. there should really be a required test for people to pass to become parents.. if you don't care about your kids, stop having them.. it's pretty easy, somehow i'm 25 and have managed to be childless.. you were probably on the phone with your "baby daddy" arguing about child support or custody.. i feel bad for the kids of parents like this..

at this point, the Twins could trade Livan Hernandez to Toronto for a keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a polar bear, a jug of maple syrup and the SARS virus and i'd be okay with it.. i'd even break my longstanding "never go to Toronto for any reason" rule to drive him there..

okay, after listening to Jim Rome on the radio today and witnessing it firsthand on the golf course tonight, i have to rant a little bit about "Golf Guy".. first of all, this isn't all guys who golf.. i like golf and i like most guys who golf, but "Golf Guy" is the one who's a bit too extreme.. stop me if you've been golfing and you recognize any of this.. he's the one who looks at his shot for 3 minutes and takes 13 practice swings so he can hit his ball into the backyard of an elderly couple.. he's the one wearing all the new gear and spends more money on his golf clubs than most people spend on rent.. he'll wait for the green to clear out when he's 330 yards out and then proceed to hit a ground ball 100 feet.. he'll give you advice like: "see, what ya did there was you didn't release the club head at the bottom of the swing, you need to turn your wrists over.." really, is that why you just lined your 3rd ball into the pond this hole? or he'll say, "i don't know what's wrong with me today".. i do, you're a terrible golfer.. and you didn't miss the putt because of a ball mark in your line, you missed it because you putt like you're having a seizure.. or after you hit your shot, he'll yell something at the ball like, "come on, get up there! be the right club!".. seriously, keep your mouth off my ball.. it's mine, if i want to yell at it, i will.. he'll contemplate asking out the beer cart girl because he thinks she's flirting with him.. obviously, she is, but it's because she's working for tips.. do strippers flirt with you? no, they strip for any hillbilly who wants to give them money.. i mean, i suck at golf but at least i know it.. i just go to drink beer and get better at the sport.. i'm aware that it's not Torrey Pines on a Sunday afternoon and i'm not running down Tiger Woods.. it's a Thursday evening at the local golf club.. act like it, Golf Guy..