it's been a while..

this post is being co-brought to you by Brad Pitt the "actor" and the guy standing over the pile after a fumble frantically pointing his teams direction as if he has any clue who has the ball..

first i should probably give a reason for my prolonged absence.. i took a new position at work which actually forces me to pay attention and be productive on a daily basis, so i can't just sit there and think of silly things to write about anymore.. i've actually used the phrase "i'd like to see (this) happen" and have people take me seriously for the first time so it's certainly better for my "career" but the blogs may come less frequent, and i apologize for that.. also, i've had a few more people tell me recently that they read this and enjoy it, so thanks for that and i'll try to be entertaining..

a memo to all potential politicians: if your campaign ads do nothing but bash your opponent, i won't be voting for you.. i'll either vote for your opponent or not vote at all.. tell me what you're going to do, not "my opponent is a terrorist, cheats on his wife, abuses his pets and tells children that Santa Claus isn't real".. also, unless someone asks your opinion on a certain candidate, keep it to yourself.. if i like Candidate A and you like Candidate B, you're not going to sway my decision, you're just going to piss me off.. i don't care that you like a different candidate and i'm not going to try to convince you, that's not my job.. i can't wait for the 2012 campaigns, they should be starting in about a month, right? i think Governor Palin owes us a Playboy spread too, by the way..

all beverage cart girls at golf courses are lava hot.. if you're golfing and your beverage cart girl isn't hot, you're at the wrong place..

i could give you 100 guesses and you probably wouldn't guess the one city in America that i'd like to visit most.. it's not Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Miamo or any of those popular choices.. i'd choose Nashville.. my brother has traveled there several times and says there are several small bars right in a row that not only have great food, but also aspiring country musicians trying to get noticed by record companies playing every night.. i think it would be super cool to walk from bar to bar getting to hear these people play, they're obviously talented, they just need a break and then they'll be dating Carrie Underwood.. then i'll secretly hate them, but at least i could say i saw them play before they were famous.. runner ups: anywhere in the Colorado mountains, Seattle, New York, Chicago, San Francisco and San Diego (my brother just called me from San Diego, by the way.. i told him i hated him)..

one roommate puked in another roommates car this past weekend.. since it wasn't my car, that never gets old..

i heard that some females didn't dress slutty for Halloween.. i'm pretty sure that's against the law.. at the very least, you're offending the inventor of the holiday.. make up for it at Thanksgiving dinner..

our family picks names out of a hat for Christmas so we don't end up spending a million dollars on presents, so we just buy for one other person.. we did that yesterday when we got home from deer hunting.. pretty embarrassing when my mom tells my brothers that they're picking for their wives first, then tells my sister that she's picking for her boyfriend first, then tells me to pick for myself.. "wait, shouldn't my imaginary girlfriend be picking now?".. they thought it was funny..

had lunch today at Panera Bread with my mom and sister.. the caramel latte is phenomenal.. afterwards they were going to Target so my mom could finish her Christmas shopping (yes, it's November 10th).. anyway, i had no intention of going with but it's Target, what's the worse that could happen? bad decision.. a money clip, a pair of shoes and a Johnny Cash CD later, i've spent $64.. it's actually impossible for me to go in there and not buy anything.. i'll either buy one of those vintage T-shirts or silly hats in the back or find something i have absolutely no need for but i can't pass it up.. "$19 for this lamp? they might as well be giving them away".. i actually had to put things back on the shelf that my mom made "Christmas ideas" for my grandpa.. they also had the world's most unbelievably cute baby shoes and Christmas music going already, the first store i heard doing so this year.. reasons #1,672 and 1,673 why Target is the coolest..

if a girl sees a hot girl that they don't know, they automatically hate them.. it's science..


went deer hunting this weekend up north with a group of 16 guys (including me).. here are some highlights:

- went to my parents house on Wednesday night because we were leaving at 6:00 the following morning.. joined forces with my two brothers to try to get the DVD/VCR player to work.. spent a half hour on that because we skipped step #1 of the directions.. typical men.. get home on Sunday to realize we were missing 2 necessary cords.. time well spent.. the fact that i'm the youngest of the 3 boys, i'm forced to sleep on the couch while my brothers get beds.. i tell them i hate them when they go to bed..

- the drive up always consists of stories from my brothers childhood which makes me think less of them, as well as introducing each other to new music that we like.. then i take a nap until we stop for breakfast and see toilets for the last time in 3 days..

- setting up camp in the pouring rain.. absolutely miserable.. we stay in 2 large army tents, one for the old guys and one for the young guys.. it takes roughly 3 to 4 hours to get those set up and cut down trees for firewood.. i nearly took off my feet swinging an ax to split wood.. then i wished i was at home reading Cosmo in my sweatpants..

- hunting doesn't officially begin until Saturday morning at sunrise, so Thursday night we're free to drink as much as we want without worrying about waking up early.. in past years this has led to people waking up to urinate but not quite making it outside and peeing near another person.. that always makes for a fun story the rest of the weekend.. Fortunately, that didn't happen this year.. for some reason this year was more tame than past years.. i blame President Bush..

- quote of the weekend: "her vagina was disgusting"..

- product i couldn't live without of the weekend: earplugs.. i think 6 of the 16 guys up there did not snore.. i don't know how these other 10 guys have convinced women to marry them and share a bed.. they must be deaf..

- discussing salaries of professional football players, we came to a consensus that Tom Brady is the highest paid football player.. since he's injured for the rest of the year, i made the sarcastic comment that now he "is forced to hang out with his supermodel girlfriend all the time", to which my brother responded, "she's fat, i don't like her personality".. pure comedy.. Brady is dating Gisele Bundchen, who is not fat.. that's where the joke is..

- devoured roughly 139 doughnuts in a 3-day span, along with chili, a fish fry, baked potatoes, vegetables and roast beef.. probably gained 12 pounds, rendering the last 3 months of cardio useless..

- hot seats are pointless.. the one i sat on while hunting all weekend felt more like a block of ice.. first, they make the outside plastic, and we all know how warm plastic gets in 15-degree weather.. meanwhile my churchbells are clanging together while spending 4 consecutive hours looking at trees waiting for Bambi's dad to walk out.. dumbest invention ever.. i hope Barack moves deer hunting to mid-August..

- if you didn't know, if you're gutting a deer you "should start at the asshole".. (insert your "i like to end there" jokes now)..

- i think this was the first year i correctly decided to not try chewing tobacco while drunk.. i made the opposite decision in the past and really regretted it.. i don't get the appeal, i guess.. i think i'm one of four guys there that didn't use tobacco during the weekend.. at least 4 of 5 dentists recommend that..

- first snowfall of the year.. pretty romantic, except for the other 15 men i spent the weekend with..

- listened to the Vikings game on the way home for the 4th straight year.. and for the 2nd straight year, Adrian Peterson had his best game of the year and the Vikings won.. always makes the 4-hour ride a little more bearable.. also on the ride home, i have to train myself not to swear every other word.. that's acceptable around 15 other men, not really when i walk into mom's house or at work..

- after getting home, sprint to the shower to give the ol' giggleberries a once-over with some body wash for the first time since Wednesday night.. best 15 minutes of my life.. well, it's in the top 10.. also realize that my facial hair is a train wreck at this point, so i admired that for a good 5 minutes..


Top 10 Muscles Women Love according to Men's Health

1. 6-Pack Abs
You could have biceps the size of bowling balls, but if you've got the beginnings of a gut, any discriminating woman will think twice before considering you boyfriend material. Their fear: A little excess midriff meat now means one fat, sloppy bastard in 10 years.

2. Powerful Forearms
Women see strong forearms and think you can do everything: Fend off a mugger, build a house, and maintain a dexterous touch long enough to leave them extremely satisfied. So roll up those sleeves, and let 'em have a look.

3. A Nice Butt
Women check out your butt because it's a clue to your worthiness as a physical specimen. If you're in great shape, it carries high. Otherwise, your rear end droops like a sack of old potatoes.

4. A Broad Back
A wide back is essential for a V-shaped torso, and women's attraction to it is ancestral. "When it was important that our mates protect us from woolly mammoths on the plains, we looked for a gene pool that could provide us with protection," says Pega Ren, Ed.D., a sexologist in British Columbia.

5. Sculpted Shoulders
"The shoulder muscles are really the muscles of love and war," says Nancy Etcoff, Ph.D., author of Survival of the Prettiest. They also make the whole look when combined with a broad back. Strong shoulders literally sweep women off their feet.

6. Rock-Hard Calves
"Women want an overall sense of strength and fitness," says Etcoff. "If a man looks as if he can lift something but can't run, it looks disproportionate."

7. The Money Line
We're not convinced that's its official name, but here's how our female friends describe it: "The muscle that runs diagonally from hip to crotch," "The muscle that sticks out near the hips—yummy!" and "Lower abs, near his package."

8. A Big Chest
"Women treasure your chest as much as you do theirs," says Emily Dubberley, a sex expert based in the UK. "Touching, kissing, and licking a man's chest is undoubtedly a turn-on for most women."

9. Large Biceps
In a poll of Cosmopolitan readers, 1 out of 5 women confessed that nice biceps on a man makes them "absolutely melt."

10. Strong Hamstrings
Many women prefer being on top because it lets them lean forward to rub against your pubic bone. Having well-conditioned hamstrings and glutes makes it easier to meet her halfway for more pleasure.


Since chapter 5 in the "read this and be really good at sex" book was basically recipes of romantic meals, we'll have to skip that segment this post.. looks like chapter 6 is the longest chapter in the history of books, so look forward to that..


Lyrics of the Week

"Fearless" by Taylor Swift

There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
‘Til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger’s seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture every memory

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
my hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless


"I'd Lie" by Taylor Swift

I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long
And he sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishin' he was mine

I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you
But he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle

Yes, I could tell you
His favorite color's green
And he loves to argue
Oh, and it kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie


"I Miss You" by Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


"I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend


"I Wanna Be Your Everything" by Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I had never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'll cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'll be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything


"The Season" by Quietdrive

I’m feeling mixed up.
A little bit confused
About the time I hit it up again.
I’m feeling left out.
A little bit concerned about
The space between last night and Monday.

But I’m still afraid
That you haven’t
Changed
(Given me a reason)
(To pull off your t-shirt)
But I’m still okay,
And I don’t know why
(Tell me your secret)
(I won’t tell your boyfriend now)
When you say that

You’re mixing me up now
You’re pulling my teeth out
You’re wishing my argument away
I’ll follow directions
I’ll stick to your reasons
This isn’t the season to go running away
Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh.

I’ll leave you untouched.
I never once said
I would be the one to tie you down forever.
I haven’t missed you much.
I never once said
I would be the one to lose this love forever.

But I’m still afraid
That you haven’t
Changed
(Given me a reason)
(To pull off your t-shirt)
But I’m still okay,
And I don’t know why
(Tell me your secret)
(I won’t tell your boyfriend, now)
When you say that you don’t need me to feel

You don’t understand
You don’t
You don’t understand
You don’t
( I can’t tell you how to feel)
You don’t understand
(When I’m on the outside)
You don’t
(And you are in)
You don’t understand