suck my kiss..

this post is being co-brought to you by guys who shave their legs and girls who don't..

the topic of blind dates was brought up on the radio today when i was listening, and one guy in his late 20's was arguing about how it shouldn't be considered "shallow" to ask for a picture of the girl, or vice versa.. i completely agree.. for one thing, if you're in a bar or wherever, you're not going to approach someone who you're not somewhat attracted to, so why would you sit through a blind date with someone you're not initially attracted to?.. i've always been of the opinion that there has to be some physical attraction for it to have any chance of working.. sure, a good personality can make an average-looking person become above-average, just as a poor personality can make a good-looking person become average.. a woman who was on the radio show as well discussed how she totally believes in soulmates and fate and all that, and how meeting a person can't be explained, you just know you were supposed to.. so, although the guy was skeptical of blind dates, she encouraged him to go on them because he might find that person he's supposed to be with.. bottom line: blind dates are fine if that's what you want but it's not shallow to want to know what the person looks like.. although it's not the most important thing, it's naive to think that they don't matter at all..

also brought up was the debate between Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood.. here's my opinion: Jessica probably has a very, very slight edge in the looks category but if i had the choice of dating one of them i'd pick Carrie, and i have my reasons.. Carrie is a country girl and i imagine her walking around in one of those button-down white shirts tied at the waist, a jean skirt and a cowboy hat, purring with her southern accent that's one of the hottest things ever.. Carrie also seems more low-maintenance, which is huge.. also, it seems like Jessica is a bit shaky when it comes to the whole "speaking" and "making sense" portions of the competition.. then again, she'd probably be too dumb to ever leave me.. this was just hypothetical, by the way..

i like those contests that take place at the halftime of football games that give one lucky fan the chance to win money by doing something impossible.. they'll introduce some 290-pound guy who's going to attempt to kick a 40-yard field goal for $100 million.. meanwhile, he had to have his wife help him get into his football pants.. but to help his chances, they have some guy who was a backup kicker at Northeastern Delaware Community College in 1989 coach him for a week leading up to it.. "okay, remember what we talked about.. don't rush it, hit the ball solid and follow through with your leg.. you can do it".. then he kicks a 3-hopper to the 20-yard line as the crowd boos him mercilessly and the guy in the suit holding the giant check fake consoles the participant while beaming inside because his product just had a 15-minute commercial.. then his wife walks away with that guy.. love that..

have i mentioned that i like Victoria's Secret? if any of you are looking for a Christmas gift for me, consider the giant posters they have in the windows at the store that would fit perfectly on the ceiling of my bedroom.. i should get a job there as a "consultant" and women would have to ask my opinion of anything they try on.. i'd probably work a lot of overtime..

another one of my favorite guys is the guy at the YMCA or local high school gym who's treating a pick-up basketball game like it's the Final Four.. he's all geared up in his sweatbands and $200 kicks and talking trash to 40-year-old accountants that are just trying to lower their cholesterol.. meanwhile, this guy played Division II basketball 3 years ago and is now a personal trainer.. he also doubles as the guy who refuses to call a foul on himself or help anyone up because "it's a man's game".. love that guy..

it doesn't get much funnier than a dad playing ball with his son, just hoping he'll make contact, then the kid gets his Ken Griffey Jr. on and rakes a line drive off dad's marble bag.. that was my favorite clip on "America's Funniest Home Videos".. but the best was the sound effects they played when it happened.. it sure doesn't feel like that "squeezing a clowns nose" sound.. other classics include: people falling down, kids riding their bikes into things, elderly people having their pants fall down (usually while dancing with their spouse who's oblivious to the whole event), fat people being stuck in flotation devices, kids being deathly afraid of Santa, and cats being lit on fire and then drowned.. relax, i'm kidding.. kids being afraid of Santa isn't that funny..

the household plan is to watch "The Strangers" in the near future.. i've heard some people say it's the scariest movie they've seen in years.. so, naturally, i'll be acting all manly about it but secretly saying to myself, "don't scream like a girl, don't scream like a girl, don't scream like a girl".. we're definitely going to wear white masks and sit outside a roommates window afterwards though.. call "America's Funniest Home Videos" and get Bob Saget over here with our million dollars..

heard this Halloween costume idea: put cardboard on your shoulders, then cut a hole in a sheet and put that over your head, then put a lamp on one shoulder and a clock on the other shoulder.. then go up to chicks and tell them you're a "one-night stand".. hilarious right?? that's gotta work better than those "FBI: Female Body Inspector" or "Amateur Gynecologist" shirts.. or to break the ice, you can just go up to any chick and be like, "sooo.. you're a slutty what?".. if you're a female and not dressing slutty, you obviously don't get the spirit of Halloween.. just stay home and hand out candy..

caught an episode of "The Biggest Loser" this week for the first time ever.. it's the show where teams compete to lose the most weight.. although i didn't see it, i have to imagine it's hilarious when they step on the scale and they've gained weight since the last week and then stand there and cry.. on this episode, they all lost weight but people were predicting they'd be 15 pounds lighter and they've lost 2.. then they act all bummed and their ripped trainers tell them stuff like "keep your chins up".. ranks pretty high on the comedy scale..

here are some highlights from Chapters 3 (one-night stands) and 4 (fend off STD's) from the "read this and be really good at sex" book:

- 81% of men in Portugal have had a one-night stand, which leads all countries. Brazil is second at 76% and the United States ranks sixth at 61%. The world average is 58%..

- Women who endorse casual sex are more likely to fantasize about dominating a man, reports a study in the Journal of Sex Research..

- a recent study by the Oxford Hair Foundation predicts that redheads will be extinct by 2100; just 4 percent of the population carries the recessive gene for red hair, which means it's becoming less common with every generation..

- one vigorously misplaced thrust is all it takes to rupture the corposa cavernosa, the elongated "erectile chambers" that run the length of your penis. A complete rupture will require surgery within 24 hours to stanch internal bleeding and reduce the risk of permanent damage. to protect yourself, be especially careful when she's on top. that's the position most likely to cause damage..

- here are a few practices that some people consider "safe".. they're not..

Abstinence: it works, of course- if you can do it. which you usually can, right up until the moment where you can't- and then you'll probably want something a little more reliable on hand..

Withdrawal: withdrawal. doesn't. work. pre-ejaculate contains sperm, and sperm makes babies. any questions?

Continuous Breastfeeding: breastfeeding does have a contraceptive effect, but it's most reliable in the first 6 months postpartum, and then only if she's nursing constantly and a lot. again, explore other alternatives if you're serious about not wanting another child..

- don't' even get us started on people who start having sex, stop, and put on a condom to finish. that's like hollering for defensive help after your man has driven the lane for a layup. if your bits are anywhere near her bits, let alone in them, you should be wearing a condom. you're probably familiar with "pre-ejaculate" (that spot on the front of your boxers when you're really turned on). the longer you're hard, the more pre-ejaculate you produce. problem? for the purposes of disease prevention, a body fluid is a body fluid. and if you're worried about pregnancy, pre-ejaculate contains sperm.. and it just takes one, baby..

- this is such a great trick, we can't imagine why everyone doesn't use it. obviously, one of the real sensations that you're missing out on when you're practicing safe sex is that wonderful wetness that tells you you're home. fake yourself out by adding a tiny drop of lube (a little goes a long way in this instance) inside the condom before you put it on. it heats up delightfully once it's in play, and feels much closer to the real thing..


Lyrics of the Week

"Our Last Night" by Better Than Ezra

We were standing in an empty room
The moonlight was falling
You were holding my hand when the car pulled up for you
And I could have spent a life with you
But those days were over
You were calling my name when your face faded from view

And wasn't it you who told me, the sun would always chase the day?
And wasn't it you who told me

Angels fly in the air tonight
Saying wasn't it just like swimming out on the lake?
And stars collide and the air's alive
Or was it just like those promises that you made
On our last night?

I remember waking up with you
The days doing nothing
You meant more to me then than I think you ever knew.
But you were gonna be a doctor, movie star
A poet at a Nobel seminar
I hope the world never tore that out of you

Cause wasn't it you who told me, the sun would always chase the day?
Yeah wasn't it you who told me

Angels fly in the air tonight
Saying wasn't it just like swimming out on the lake?
And stars collide and the air's alive
Or was it just like those promises that you made
On our last night?

And what ever happened to the things you loved
And the songs we played, and the Indian days
Whatever happened to the things you gave away?
Like Harold and Maude and singing
Like Harold and Maude and singing

I was waving as you drove away
The sunlight was falling
You were writing backwards in a dusty window pane

Angels fly in the air tonight
Saying wasn't it just like swimming out on the lake?
And stars collide and the air's alive
Or was it just like those promises that you made
On our last night?


"There Is" by Boxcar Racer

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is

Those notes you wrote me, I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought on how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message, about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is


"Waitin' On A Woman" by Brad Paisley

Sittin' on a bench at West Town Mall
He sat down in his overalls and asked me
You waitin' on a woman
I nodded yeah and said how 'bout you
He said son since nineteen fifty-two I've been
Waitin' on a woman

When I picked her up for our first date
I told her I'd be there at eight
And she came down the stairs at eight-thirty
She said I'm sorry that I took so long
Didn't like a thing that I tried on
But let me tell you son she sure looked pretty
Yeah she'll take her time but I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman

He said the wedding took a year to plan
You talk about an anxious man, I was nervous
Waitin' on a woman
And then he nudged my arm like old men do
And said, I'll say this about the honeymoon, it was worth it
Waitin' on a woman

And I don't guess we've been anywhere
She hasn't made us late I swear
Sometimes she does it just 'cause she can do it
Boy it's just a fact of life
It'll be the same with your young wife
Might as well go on and get used to it
She'll take her time 'cause you don't mind
Waitin' on a woman

I've read somewhere statistics show
The man's always the first to go
And that makes sense 'cause I know she won't be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any
I hope she takes her time, 'cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman

Honey, take your time, cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman


"Every Time I Hear Your Name" by Keith Anderson

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she'll make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.
But it's way too soon to be talkin' 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,
'cause I know exactly what she's goin' through; yeah, I've been there too.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

I stop thinkin' 'bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
I stop tryin' the change the things I can't change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you're gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
That's all it takes, and I'm in that place.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can't explain, but I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.


"Something About A Woman" by Jake Owen

She pulled her hair back to sun her shoulders
Took the oil and rubbed it all over her soft skin
Oh, I'm a lucky man
She wasn't wantin' any suntan lines so she
Reached back and she untied that little string
And then she smiled at me

And blew a kiss right off her fingertips
I don't know what it is

But there's something about a woman
Yeah, some kind of sweet little something
That I may never understand
Yeah, some kind of gift they're given
That makes this life worth livin'
And it makes a man a man
Oh, there's nothing like that
Somethin' about a woman

I sat there for a while and wondered
And she took a nap there under that summer sky
And then I realized

There are things in life that are meant to be
Maybe left a mystery

Yeah, like that something about a woman
Yeah, some kind sweet little something
That I may never understand
Yeah some kind of gift they're given
That makes this life worth livin'
And it makes a man a man
Oh, there's nothing like that
Somethin' about a woman

Yeah some kind of gift they're given
That makes this life worth livin'
And it makes a man a man
Oh, I'm nothing without that
Somethin' about a woman
Oh, about a woman


"One Year, Six Months" by Yellowcard

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do


"A Goodnight's Sleep" by The Starting Line

A better slumber
Was in your arms
spent tangled up in you

A sudden morning
Crashed in the room
With an uninvited sudden change in you

What can I say?
Where's that girl from last night
That slept on that side and looked just like you do?

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you don't wake up as broken as I am

For a lack of better
Words to say
All I said was goodnight
Once again, in self-defence
I wont sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Sleep in your own bed