crazy kinda crush on you..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by girls who don't dress slutty for Halloween, guys out of college who still have their mom's make their appointments, and this kid who wants to do hood rat stuff with his friends who smokes dem cigarettes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKN64o-vHyU

purchased the October Playboy this past weekend which, not coincidentally, features the girls from the Big 10 (poor overall showing by our gals from the U of M, however.. must be a rebuilding year).. that's not the point, i applaud any girl willing to not have clothes on.. what this is really about is a letter written to The Playboy Advisor that is very x-rated and jaw-dropping with it's content.. so put the kids to bed for this one, i'll write the letter in it's entirety:

"I went clubbing this past weekend with my best friend and her boyfriend. After the club closed we went back to her place. She was totally wasted and started to blow her boyfriend in the kitchen. I felt frisky and started touching myself as I watched. Finally, I squatted next to her, and we took turns sucking on him. Despite my asking him not to come in my mouth - and his promise that he wouldn't - he did. I didn't mean to swallow, but my reflex took over. I know he is clean, so I won't get some nasty disease, but I still tried to puke when I got home. I'm feeling tremendous guilt about swallowing. A part of me wants to tell my boyfriend, but the other part tells me it was a fluke that will never happen again. Should I tell my boyfriend, who is the jealous type, or just forget about it? -T.C., Medina, Ohio"

okay, i know that was a lot to take in, no pun intended.. Playboy answered kinda along the same lines as this, but are we to the point where it's okay to give oral sex to a guy who's not your boyfriend as long as you don't swallow? this young lady appears to think that's the rule.. and excuse your boyfriend for being the "jealous type".. i'm guessing any guy on the planet, "jealous-type" or not, would be less than pleased to learn his girlfriend was sucking on another dude.. or are "care-free" guys okay with that?

"hey honey, i gave head to my best friend's boyfriend last night"
"what?!?"
"it's okay, i didn't swallow"
"oh.. what do you wanna do tonight? go to a movie or just hang in?"

somehow i don't see it playing out like that.. by the way, shame on this girl for breaking the cardinal rule: never believe anything your best friend's boyfriend says while he's inside you.. rookie mistake.. he knows a good thing, at that point he can do no wrong since his girlfriend is right there allowing it to happen.. whatever.. get the kids back up, the rest of this will be PG-13..

went to one of my roommates parents last Friday night to have a bonfire and drink several adult beverages.. don't act like we didn't pee in our pool in the backyard when we got home.. don't worry, it probably disinfected it a little bit, i think Bigfoot lives in there.. it's a mess.. anyway, i pretended to know things about hunting while chatting with my roommates dad.. he had stories and tips galore, all i had for input was that the first year i went up north with my dad and brothers for deer hunting (2005), i spent about 45 minutes in the woods on Saturday morning before i shot my first deer.. one guy had been going up there 20 years and hadn't shot one.. had some fun with that: "you've been here 20 years and i've been here 20 minutes..." my dad was more fired up than i was, i just go to sit in the tent at night and drink and bullshit.. if i didn't step a foot in the woods, i wouldn't care.. the best thing about getting a deer that early was that i could sleep in the rest of the weekend.. my dad had asked me for a few years with me turning him down because i thought i'd hate it but i know in a few years i'd regret not going.. it's just fun spending time with him and my brothers, now i look forward to it every year..

in reverse chronological order, before we went to the fire i helped a different roommate put together his bed frame.. i knew he had bought it and was working on it by himself, so i dusted off a hammer and/or screwdriver that was undoubtedly left there by one of our girlfriends and pretended i knew what to do.. i walk into his room and he says, "i'm on step 3 already!", triumphantly.. i look at the directions and discover step one and two combine to get the frame in a square shape on the floor.. "god, you're dumb" i tell him.. there was a lot of "is that part 1D or 3B?" type questions with confused looks on our faces, and it took us probably 20 minutes to get the thing together, having about 147 spare parts that clearly weren't important but he's successfully slept on his bed without collapse for 3 nights.. sometimes i wonder who's a manlier man, me or Matthew McConaughey.. probably a tie..

it was announced today that the Twins stadium opening in the spring of 2010 will be named Target Field.. i wonder if there will be employees in red shirts asking them how many items they have before they get dressed? you know, like in the dressing rooms at Target? (crickets chirping) moving on.....

a college football game this past weekend between Auburn and Mississippi State ended with the score 3-2.. i wonder who had the bases clearing double for Auburn in the 8th inning? soccer thought that game was boring..

a strip club bouncer wrote an article for Cosmo that i obviously read.. anyway, he said that 90% of guys who come into a strip club try to get a girl to leave with them.. either to a real club for drinks or somewhere else to do "something else" (PG-13, remember?).. just the type of girl you want to bring home to mom, right? "how'd you guys meet?".. "i'm glad you asked, Mom, that's a great story.. Cinnamon offered me a lap dance and just as i was telling her that her clit ring really diverted the attention from her C-section scar, it got hooked on my zipper and we had to have Desiree get us separated.. we've been screaming at each other ever since.. it was like fate!".. what happened to meeting lawyers and doctors and, you know, people who have jobs that require clothing and the occasional drug test? probably became uncool the same time it became cool to suck your best friend's boyfriend off.. just kidding on the PG-13 stuff, by the way.. time to grow up, kids..

if i'm unsure about which outfit i should wear, i'll do what any 25-year-old male does: call or text his twin sister for her input.. "white button down or black t-shirt? hat or no hat? sandals or Doc's?".. most times i'm able to dress myself but if i feel the need to look extra "fly", i get a second opinion.. the first time i met CHG in person and on purpose, i tried on like 5 outfits before i got advice.. you remember CHG from about a month ago, right? i felt it was necessary that night because i knew she would be bringing her A-game.. i think i aced the fashion part of the "first date" since it led to one of my favorite top 3 CHG quotes, which i'll keep to myself out of respect.. let's just say she made my August 16th more than just Madonna's birthday..

Caribou Coffee is the last public place in history to not have a urinal in the men's bathroom.. if i wanted to pee in a toilet i would have stayed home.. at least i hope i was in the men's room.. the couch and tampon dispenser seemed unnecessary..

one of my biggest pet peeves is people who are self-absorbed.. if you're smart, talk to me about stuff other than yourself, i'm smart enough to realize when someone else is smart.. if you're athletic or attractive, i can tell by looking at you.. if you're rich, i really don't care.. and i'll care less if you start telling me that you are.. be normal and let me be the judge of what qualities you have.. so annoying.. those are all great things, but what makes them a million times cooler is acting like you don't know it..

a couple posts ago, i wrote about my experience in a Target dressing room where i overhead a girl say her shirt was tight on her boobs and i acted all "stereotypical guy" about it.. after reading that, a girl said "boobs aren't that cool".. if by "aren't that cool" you mean " are the greatest things ever", then yeah, they aren't that cool.. guys would spend 24 hours in the shower or in front of the mirror if we could be a girl for a day.. we're mesmerized by them all, and keep your own.. fake boobs are just dumb.. like comedian Daniel Tosh says, "keep telling yourself you got them so your shirts would fit better, you got them because you're a whore.. you forgot because you're stupid".. exactly.. real is better 100% of the time..

Dear Guy at the Gym Who Talks on his Cell Phone While on the Treadmill: please stop it..

Dear Girl who Wore That While Running Next to me Last Thursday: please keep doing that..

i think we've filled the pregnant girl quota where i work, were all condoms recalled recently? did i miss a company picnic/orgy?

if you're on "Price Is Right" on bidders row and are not the last one to bid but still say $1, you're an idiot.. but not as big of an idiot as the guy after you who doesn't bid $2.. regardless, either one of you are going to miss the putt on Hole-In-One for the dinette set or Grandfather clock.. take your "I Love Bob" shirt or "I Love Drew" shirt or "I Love That Guy from Home Improvement" shirt or whoever the hell hosts that show now and get ready for the big wheel..


Lyrics of the Week

"Piece of You" by Tim Mahoney

Didn't work out the way it should
Like everything in my life
Stuck in a run in my own little world
Gotta break out of this
If I could just hear your voice, I swear
I would do anything
I call you up but you're not there
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

I sent you a message at 2 a.m.
I'm such an idiot
I can't believe the things I said
How did you deal with it?
I understand why you're not here
You push away, she won't stay
Sorrow steeps inside my tears
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I'm still waiting
I'll take a piece of you with me
I know I know I know

I'll take a piece of you with me


"I'm About To Come Alive" by Train

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I'm here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I've gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know

I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through
Making it ain't making it without you


"Mean To Me" by Tonic

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on its own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed

It's a place where words are spoken you will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind to speak at me
How far can it be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

Do you think that it got up and left for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fuckin' mean to me?


"She Doesn't Get It" by The Format

All the girls pose the same for pictures
All the boys got the same girls' hair
I am bored 'cause I feel much older
Look at me, as if I've got a reason to stare

But you talk so loud that it calms me down
You're crying "Let's make a toast"

She says she's leaving on a Sunday
That leaves me one more night
Can I take you home?
I know it's wrong but I know your type
She says she's leaving on a Sunday and I don't care
I need to know where to turn
I tried it once
It never caught on
I was the only one who got burned

I've read every word you're said
From a poster of a cat
Four books look across your sofa
I thought your coffee table was more clever than that

It gets worse once we get to her room as she stops and she sings"doot do do doot do do doot do"
I claim "new religion" is my song
She doesn't get it
It's all before she was born

And you lock your door
Like I've been here before
I feel like I've seen a ghost

Suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this
I fall in love far too quickly
I never want her to forget me
When you're gone
Will you call?
Will you write?