soco amaretto lime..

this post is being brought to you by the Jets throwback uniforms, guys who mow their lawn at 7:00 a.m. on the weekends, old guys who blow snot into hankerchiefs and put it back in their pocket, and this guy (explicit lyrics): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvjDr8KKtsE

went to my cousins wedding this past weekend.. it's safe to say a wedding is the one of very few venues you'll be informed by a distant relative that they were once dumped for urinating on the wall of the girls' aunts house, as well as asked to help text someone because they're too drunk.. happens to the best of us..

received this email from my brother late last week:

D, so I'm wondering when it happened that you no longer show me any love. No more e-mails about the Vikes... the Twins unbelievable surge towards the top, the latest and greatest gossip from the world of sports...nothing.

I'm lonely.

B


that same brother was at the wedding this past weekend.. his wife and his two girls didn't come because his oldest daughter (7 years) had a soccer game and has been going all Mia Hamm on opponents recently and didn't want to skip the game.. we got into a discussion about which of his girls were a "daddy's girl" or a "mama's girl".. his older daughter is a complete daddy's girl but his youngest (3 years) will change back and forth due to the time of the day or the situation.. in the morning or if there's a thunderstorm, she wants mom.. in the evening/night or if she hurts herself, she wants dad.. and every night when she's going to sleep, she asks her dad "is it gonna thunder?" and he can say "no, it's not going to thunder" a million times but she won't stop asking until he says "no, the weatherman said it's not going to thunder".. then she'll say "after you change, come back and sit" and he hasn't once come back because she's always asleep when he checks.. i think the little things like that are super cute and another reason why i'd lean towards having a daughter over a son.. just something about the father/daughter relationship seems different than anything else..

our family visited them last year and i had recently bought Rollerblades.. so my sister and i brought them with and one night we went out and i was thinking i was all rockstar.. until we came to a hill, it wasn't even big but we had to turn right about halfway down it and i was unaware of this until it was too late and i hadn't yet mastered the braking aspect of rollerblading.. so instead of going all the way down the hill into a culdesac, i get my Kristi Yamaguchi/Scott Hamilton on and attempted a triple axle, double toe loop going about 20 mph.. needless to say, that didn't end well, since it ended with me picking tar out of my elbow.. at least those teenage girls were there to witness it all.. the hardest thing about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay, copyright Daniel Tosh..

when my twin sister would have a friend sleep over from first grade through fifth grade, that girl would always become my girlfriend with the understanding it would just be a one night thing.. apparently i was the class slut..

another "gym guy" is the guy that comes and asks you if he can use the same machine as you in between your sets:

"you mind if i work in?"
"are you gonna towel off the machine when you're done? you look like you just showered"
"how many sets do you have left?"
"i don't know, all of them? actually, i just started but you ruined my night so i'm going home"..

had a couple experiences in the men's room of the Side Bar in the recent years and i'd like to share them with you.. first things first, there is a chalkboard over the urinals which always have mature and profound things written on them.. i was shocked and depressed to find out recently that the "Lou is Gay" that had been there for 25 years has been removed.. devastating.. anyway, on to the stories.. a couple summers ago, i was the only one in the bathroom and suddenly the door opens and two guys are screaming that the "wedding bus was leaving" and asked if i was going on it.. i looked at them and said "no" as politely as a guy who's in mid-piss can be, and one of them looked me up and down and said "damn, i wish you were".. i think i immediately ran the other way and left one of those cartoon human-shaped holes in the wall.. i was hit on in the men's bathroom at the Side.. maybe it was Lou..

the next story happened just last month on the first night i met CHG.. i was washing my hands and making sure i was "CHG quality" when i noticed this guy at the urinal looking over at me.. i ignored him (standard male procedure) until he said "dude, that girl you're with is fine" with his legs about as sturdy as a boxer answering the 8-count in the 12th round.. "ummmm i know, that's why i just spent 2 hours talking to her and looking at her.. now i'm going to go make out with her.. but thanks for your approval".. i don't see the point of that, i guess.. what does he think is going to happen? "yeah, she is fine, do you want to go home with her?".. or maybe it's a relative of mine or something? it's probably not going to go well.. whatever, keep your comments about random girls to yourself and your boys, i'd rather be with the "fine girl" than talking to you about her in this men's room.. that's probably hard to realize when you're 14 beers and 3 Jag bombs in though, i imagine..

i was watching "Cops" last night, an all-prostitute episode aptly titled "Ho! Ho! Ho!".. creative minds at work with that.. anyway, a guy picked up a prostitute and when he was questioned about it said he "didn't realize the prostitute used to be a guy".. well look up from those bowling ball-shaped breasts and find "her" Adam's Apple.. or listen to "her" speak, "she" sounds like Barry White on steroids.. i always find it comical when guys don't realize they're going to pay for sex with a former guy.. that'll ruin your weekend..

in a story about as earth shattering as "Michael Jordan = Good Basketball Player", Clay Aiken announced he was gay last week.. as did Lindsay Lohan.. advantage: girls.. who reading this would rather have sex with Clay than Lindsay, provided you wouldn't get syphilis? that's what i thought..

received an offer from Men's Health that includes a book titled "Guide to the Best Sex in the World - Women From Around the Globe Share Their Hottest Sex Secrets", along with a free "Hot Spot Pleasures" DVD.. the front of the brochure says "The Best Sex in the World All In One Place: Your Bedroom!" and the inside included phrases like "the kitchen can be the sexiest room in the house", "...she gives you a tongue bath" and "i get wet in 30 seconds".. they certainly know their audience.. should be here in 7 to 10 days..


Lyrics of the Week

"When I Look To The Sky" by Train

When it rains it pours and opens doors
That flood the floors we thought would always
Keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
We sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say
That caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
We didn't have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I'm up or down or in or out
Or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything
That life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

When I feel like there is no one
That will ever know me
There you are to show me

When I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here


"Tomorrow Morning" by Jack Johnson

Well that's all right, if that's all right
Two thousand miles but still that's all right
And that's all right, if that's all right
I'll see you in the morning if that's all right

What would you do if I wrote you a song?
Would you give me some lovin' when I get home?
Or would you be mad at me if I had a hard time
Getting a hold of you?
I try all the time

I'll bet that you don't know anybody that could be so bad
But if you did you'd be wondering where I'm at
I'll be home when tomorrow morning comes

What would you do if I sang you this song
The connection is bad but that's only the phone
Cause when my words kiss your ear, I'll be right there
The message is long because baby this is your song

I'll bet that you don't know anybody that could be so bad
But if you did you'd be wondering where I'm at
I'll be home when tomorrow morning comes


"Forever" by Papa Roach

In the brightest hour
Of my darkest day
I realized
What is wrong with me

Can't get over you
Can't get through to you
It's been a helter skelter romance from the start

Take these memories
That are haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds
By his own pair of scissors

He'll never forgive her
He'll never forgive her

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

Sitting by a fire
On a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl
Little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of her life

You're my heroine
In this moment I'm lonely
Fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs, all these women
I'm never forgiving
This broken heart of mine

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go


"Taste Her" by Tim Mahoney

You wanna break it up again
You think it's me but it's your friends
That make you up to what you have become
You took away all your things
Your precious heart, your devil ways
Do you really know just where you belong

Hear me coming
I've been training for this

And I'm wasted now
But my feet are still on the ground
And my voice is crying out
Cause I can't hold back
Cause I can still taste her
Taste her

You tell me that I need to change
You hang me out to take the blame
Cause you can't seem to see the way I am
Well, I'm not going down like this
I'm holding on for one last kiss
Leave me one more promise at the door

So hear me coming
I've been training for this

And I'm wasted now
But my feet are still on the ground
And my voice is crying out
Cause I can't hold back
Cause I can still taste her

Aimless now
Pull my head down from the clouds
I got one more round
And I'm gonna get her back
Cause I can still taste her
Gonna get her back cause I can still taste her

After all I brought it on myself
I'm still after you
I want it all
I can still taste her


"How Do You Do" by Roxette

I see you comb your hair and gimme that grin
It's making me spin now, spinnin' within
Before I melt like snow, you say hello, how do you do?

I love the way you undress now, baby begin
Do your caress, honey, my heart's in a mess
I love your blue-eyed voice, like Tiny Tim shines through
How do you do?

Well here we are cracking jokes in the corner of our mouths
And I feel like I'm laughing in a dream
If I was young I could wait outside your school
Cause your face is like the cover of a magazine

How do you do, do you do, the things that you do?
No one I know could ever keep up with you
How do you do, did it ever make sense to you
To say Bye, bye bye?

I see you in that chair with perfect skin
Well how have you been baby, livin' in sin?
Hey I gotta know, did you say hello, how do you do?

Well here we are spending time in the louder part of town
And it feels like everything's surreal
When I get old I will wait outside your house
Cause your hands have got the power meant to heal

How do you do, do you do, the things that you do?
No one I know could ever keep up with you
How do you do, did it ever make sense to you
To say Bye, bye bye?

How do you do, do you do, the things that you do
No one I know could ever keep up with you
How do you do, did it ever make sense to you
To say Bye, bye bye


"As Lovers Go" by Dashboard Confessional

She said, "I've got to be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here"
And I said, "You must be mistaken,
I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy!
What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"

"You've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong
All wrong
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest,
I've been waiting for you all of my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane.
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Tonight
Tonight
You've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?