this post is being co-brought to you by the laugh possessed by Kendra from "Girls Next Door" and fans at football games who hold up one finger and yell "we're number one!!" while losing 56-3..
had an interesting Saturday night.. here's the skinny..
6:30: got home from visiting my parents and devouring my mom's chili, which is legendary.. not even in the door when my roommate says "wanna go to Old Chicago?".. "sure, i don't have much cash but that's what credit cards are for, right?".. "exactly, get dressed, we're leaving in 5 minutes".. i pull off my shirt so i'm topless and wearing basketball shorts.. "k, i'm ready".. get punched..
6:35: throw on my baggy sweatpants and Reebok's wit da straps, looking fly as all hell..
6:50: arrive at Old Chicago with two roommates, their gals, one of the gals friends and her 19-year-old male cousin and 17-year-old female cousin.. more on her later.. waitress: "what are we drinking?".. me: "what are the specials?".. waitress: "we have Long Island Iced Teas for $2.99".. me: "YES! I WANT STRAWBERRY!!..
7:05: roommate: "if you finish the rest of that drink in 8 seconds i'll buy your next one".. me: "okay".. keep in mind, Long Island's have equal parts vodka, gin, tequila and rum with a very small amount of a mixer.. my glass was about half full.. nonetheless, i finished it within 8 seconds and my next one was free..
7:10: sure are alot of people here with SCSU shirts on.. oh yeah, it's homecoming, which means triple the normal amount of "urinating in public" citations and 3 a.m. Perkins runs..
7:20: hmmm, my glass is about 3/4's full right now, it's almost time someone tells me to drink really fast and they'll pay for my next one..
7:21: different roommate: "finish that in 10 seconds and i'll buy your next one".. me: "done".. photo finish!! the judges score it in my favor, considering i'm ordering pink drinks in public..
7:25: waitress: "need another one?".. me: "yeah, my roommates keep telling me if i drink these in 10 seconds, they'll buy me my next one".. roommate: "probably don't want to tell the waitress that"..
7:40: roommates gal (to me): "want to race to see who can finish their drink the fastest?".. me: "you're drinking beer and have so much less than me left... absolutely i want to race".. get destroyed.. as a prize, my roommate orders me another one before we go..
8:00: four Long Island Iced Teas in the span of 75 minutes.. and it's 8:00.. this should be entertaining..
8:15: arrive at roommates gal's house for a fire and more alcohol.. wind chill approximately 25 degrees, nipples couldn't be harder.. while manly roommate starts fire, i grab a chair and sit 2 inches from it.. he pushes me backwards and i manage to not spill my full beer while doing a back flip.. i celebrate in my head..
8:40: apparently it's "take shots of cough syrup" time because that tasted a lot like the Dimetap i had when i was a kid.. i'm told it was grape vodka.. "at least my cough is gone.. when's the NyQuil shot?", i say..
9:00: pee on the backyard fence while texting..
9:10: another shot, this one apparently is lemonade Vodka.. just as terrible as the first one.. 19-year-old runs to puke immediately in the bushes..
9:15: i can't see anymore..
9:30: wow..
10:00: yikes..
10:15: another shot, this one is Whiskey mixed with Mountain Dew, i'm led to believe.. immediately anointed the best shot of the night award since the other ones tasted like the ass sweat of a walrus..
10:30: hmmm, this 17-year-old girl is awfully close to me suddenly.. when did that happen? her: "can i see your phone?".. me: "why?".. she puts her hand into my pocket to get my phone.. immediately see myself sitting down at the counter of a strange house, having a heart-to-heart chat with Chris Hansen.. she starts messing with my phone.. "what are you doing?", i ask.. "you'll see", she replies.. great, that makes me feel better.. i look around to see if anyone is seeing this.. the glance and chuckle from my roommate indicates i have witnesses..
10:35: she gives me my phone back and i start trying to figure out what she did.. even being 4 Long Island Iced Teas, 6 beers and 4 shots deep, i quickly realize she put her phone number in my phone.. then she texted herself from my phone so she could have my number.. what the hell is going on?
10:36: i guess i'll just drink more and pretend that didn't happen..
10:50: text from girl that reads, "what's up?".. i don't respond because i'm sitting 15 feet away from her.. she should be able to tell "what's up", right?.. i don't have many rules, but one of them is "don't hook up with anyone who could potentially invite you to prom and/or a Girl Scout camping trip".. and let's not forget America's rule of "don't hook up with anyone under 18 if you are over 18".. i blame R. Kelly..
11:00: roommate: "i think we're going to go".. me: "great idea, i'll race you to the car..... wait, i have to pee first"..
11:15: safe in my own house.. that was surreal..
in September of 2003, i went along with my roommate on a roadtrip to Iowa to visit his girlfriend at her college (this is the couple that has recently become engaged).. a few highlights from that trip.. peeing in a cornfield in northern Iowa during the drive down.. singing N'Sync and Garth Brooks along the way, like back in our freshman year.. meeting the roommates, one of which eventually said she hadn't had sex in so long that she had a "rusty vagina", to which i wittingly replied, "good thing i brought WD-40".. classic.. going to a party where 3 separate televisions had 3 separate college football games going right next to each other.. on the way to this party, we stopped at the liquor store and i didn't feel like drinking beer, so in a rush, i grabbed Green Apple Smirnoff Ice.. that was my first mistake.. my second mistake was drinking it in a room full of college guys.. "what the fuck are you drinking?" was the first thing one guy said to me.. people in Iowa are mean.. that party was where i was first formally introduced to "Bubble Toes" by Jack Johnson, beginning my love of his music.. also, at a restaurant/bar, we all had a shot called the "Pink Pussy".. after drinking my shot, i exclaimed "wow, that was the best pussy i've ever had", to the delight of everyone within earshot, not including the waitress.. whatever, i'll go back to Minnesota..
Victoria's Secret website is the greatest thing on earth, i've recently decided.. go to www.victoriassecret.com and look up the Lace-up fishnet cheeky hiphugger.. proof that God is a man and wants me to be happy..
here's a Minnesota driving lesson: when you have a red light, it's not okay to just take a right and then merge into traffic without looking or yielding.. if you do this with me behind you, i have to stop singing "if you wanna be my lover" ala Posh Spice to spew expletives at you and that upsets me..
memo to those 30-second voicemail recordings: i'm fully aware that i "can hang up when i'm finished speaking", i'm a grown up.. i don't need you to run through what every button does.. i just want to tell my roommate i saw a man wearing a fanny pack and cowboy boots, it shouldn't take this long..
not much is cuter than my niece singing "how much is that doggy in the window"..
some of the best times i've ever had have involved drinking and playing Playstation 3.. i'm sure a lot of you know of a game called "drinking Tiger Woods", where you play the Tiger Woods golf game and have to drink if you hit it in the rough, hit it out of bounds, hit it in the water or the sand, etc.. super fun.. if you've seen the picture of one of my roommates on Facebook passed out on the couch with me and another roommate sitting there to keep him from rolling off, that was a "drinking Tiger Woods night", although he wasn't participating.. i think it was his birthday and his sisters dropped him off and said "call us if he stops breathing".. tight family..
i think my favorite thing in all of sports is the dogpile after baseball teams win playoff series'.. how awesome is that?! they'll show a camera shot of the dugout as the last out is being recorded and everyone is climbing out even before it's official just sprinting to jump on each other.. if the play is happening in the infield, the outfielders are already halfway there, throwing their hats and gloves into the air.. this should happen in everyday situations, the world would be a better place..
as i spoke about previously, i received a book in the mail titled, "Men's Health Guide to the Best Sex in the World".. just finished chapter 2, but here are some highlights to this point:
- people decide whether someone is attractive one-tenth of a second after laying eyes on them..
- women rank confidence as one of the sexiest qualities in a man, not surprisingly..
- a Harvard study found that looking at pretty women activates a pleasure center in the brain usually triggered only by food, drugs and money..
- breathe deeply and use your lower registers when you speak. according to a recent study by Scottish researchers, the most attractive women prefer deep-voiced men. This probably has something to do with the correlation between high testosterone levels (a sigh of superior strength and bedroom chops) and a deep voice..
- a kiss is a preview of coming attractions. "the way you kiss says a lot about how you make love," says Ava Cadell, PhD, "i call kissing 'facial intercourse.'"..
- lots of women describe their best kiss as the time he slammed her up against the wall, mashed his lips against hers, and didn't let her breathe for a full 5 minutes..
- love bites also play a large role; in the kissing section of the Kama Sutra, it was considered a sign of real skill to leave a lasting mark without breaking the skin..
- the Kama Sutra says that if a man stimulates his partner's upper lip, nibbling and lightly sucking on it, while she nibbles on his lower lip, both partners will be swept away on waves of pleasure.. it has even been suggested that there is a pathway in the nervous system directly connecting the upper lip to the clitoris. a one-stop shop, if you will..
- an "Australian kiss" is a French kiss "down under"..
- let her keep a toothbrush at your house if she wants to but encourage her to make her own plans and keep her own friends- and do the same yourself. it's easy to get sucked in at the beginning, with the rush of a fast start. but the sooner you depend on each other for everything, the faster the relationship can burn out..
- how will you know it's the real thing? one sign is when you stop looking at other women. it's true: Italian researchers looked at the hormone levels of a small group of women in love. the women's testosterone levels were higher than usual, making them more aggressive and increasing their sex drives. the men, on the other hand, had lower levels of testosterone, making them less aggressive and less libidinous. so if you notice that your eye has stopped roving and the desire to collect digits has lessened significantly, it may be a sign that the lady you're with is "the one."
or you can take her for ice cream. Alan Hirsch, MD, conducted a study of 720 people, ages 24 to 59, in which he correlated personality tests, their favorite ice cream flavors, their partners' favorite ice creams, and relationship status. coffee ice cream lovers- found to be dramatic, seductive, flirtatious- are most romantically compatible with strawberry fans. Vanilla gals (emotionally expressive and fond of PDA) melt best with rocky-road guys. and mint chocolate chip fans are meant for each other.
or you may just start acting crazy. British neurobiologists discovered that when research subjects looked at a picture of someone they had recently fallen in love with, one of the parts of the brain that was activated had a lot of receptors for dopamine- the feel-good hormone. that's why falling in love feels so damn good. it's also why you act like such an idiot when it happens. dopamine is strongly associated with addiction; in fact, this British study found that the brains of people "on" love looked very much like the brains of people on euphoria-inducing drugs.
Lyrics of the Week
"Austin" by Blake Shelton
She left without leavin' a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she'd gone back to Austin
'Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got
If you're callin' 'bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you
The telephone fell to the counter
She heard but she couldn't believe
What kind of man would hang on that long
What kind of love that must be
She waited three days, and then she tried again
She didn't know what she'd say,
But she heard three rings and then
If it's Friday night I'm at the ballgame
And first thing Saturday, if it don't rain
I'm headed out to the lake
And I'll be gone, all weekend long
But I'll call you back when I get home
On Sunday afternoon
And P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you
This time she left her number
But not another word
Then she waited by the phone on Sunday evenin'
And this is what he heard
If you're callin' 'bout my heart
It's still yours
I should've listened to it a little more
Then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong
And by the way, boy, this is no machine you're talkin' to
Can't you tell, this is Austin, and I still love you
I still love you
"She Wouldn't Be Gone" by Blake Shelton
Red roadside wild flower if I'd only picked you
Took you home set you on the counter
Oh, at least a time or two
Maybe she'd thought it through.
Yellow sunset slowly dipping down in the rear view
Oh, how she'd love to sit and watch you
I could have done that a whole lot more
If I hadn't been so stubborn, been so selfish
Thought about her more, thought about me less
Joked to make her laugh, held her when she cried
A little more that, maybe I...
Wouldn't be driving like hell flying like crazy down the highway
Calling everyone we know stopping any place she might be
Going any place she might go beating on the dash
Screaming out her name at the windshield tears soaking up my face
If I had loved her this much all along, maybe maybe, yeaa maybe...
She wouldn't be gone.. she wouldn't be gone..
She warned me it was coming said if I didn't change
She was leaving
I just didn't believe she would ever really walk out,
God, I believe her now
Called her mamma, cried like a baby to her best friend
If they've seen her, they ain't sayin, they ain't sayin...
Now, I'm cursing like a fool, praying it ain't too late
All I wanna do is fix my mistakes.
Find her beg her for one more try, until then damn it I'll..
Be driving like hell flying like crazy down the highway
Calling everyone we know stopping any place she might be
Going any place she might go beating on the dash
Screaming out her name at the windshield tears soaking up my face
If I had loved her this much all along, maybe maybe, yeaa maybe...
She wouldn't be gone..
I wouldn't be beating on the dash
Screaming out her name at the windshield tears soaking up my face
If I had loved her this much all along, maybe maybe, yeaa maybe...
She wouldn't be gone..
Red roadside wild flower if I'd only picked you
Took you home set you on the counter, oh at least a time or two
Maybe she'd thought it through...
"Lipstick" by Rocky Lynne
Well, enough
Of this nonsense, baby
We're bigger than this
Let's get back to us
And the thrill we felt with our first kiss
You know the road can take us
Out where we both feel so alive
Let's go tonight
You can put your lipstick on while I drive
We can go down to old El Paso
Spend the night in New Orleans
Go out to California like we've always dreamed
Makin' love out in the desert
I can watch the sunset in your eyes
Let's go tonight
You can put your lipstick on while I drive
(You can put your lipstick on while I drive)
(While I drive)
Well, I'm tired
Of this life we're livin'
Dreamin' dead-end dreams
Like a worn-out ol' shag carpet frayin' at the seams
You know we got to change it
No waitin' 'til the time is right
Let's go tonight
You can put your lipstick on while I drive
We can go down to old El Paso
Spend the night in New Orleans
Go out to California like we've always dreamed
Makin' love out in the desert
I can watch the sunset in your eyes
Let's go tonight
You can put your lipstick on while I drive
(You can put your lipstick on while I drive)
(While I drive)
Let me touch you
Let me love you
Let your heart race next to mine
"All At Once" by The Fray
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her, now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
"Thunder" by Boys Like Girls
Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried
I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder
Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know, whoa
Today I'm on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I don't know
And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain,
Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain
Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder
"Hero" by Tim Mahoney
Let me teach you how to give
Take my breath away
Let me live to see the day
When I fall, you feel the pain
And when our worlds collide
The feelings never change
I don't want to give just to receive
Something so worth having never comes easily
When all else fails, turn to me
When all else fails, let me be
Your hero
Like the ones in fairy tales
Your hero
The one you know has got your back
Your hero
Is all I wanna be
When all else fails, turn to me
Let me show you how much I care
Walk on me
Let me be the smile you wear
And when I'm turned around
And merely just a frown
Have no doubt, I'll always turn around
I don't wanna give just to receive
Something so worth having never comes easily
When all else fails, turn to me
When all else fails, let me be
Your hero
Like the ones in fairy tales
Your hero
The one you know has got your back
Your hero
Is all I wanna be
When all else fails, turn to me
I can be your knight in shining armor
You can be the one in distress
I could save you right now
And ride off in the sunset
Ohh
When all else fails, turn to me
When all else fails, let me be
Your hero
Like the ones in fairy tales
Your hero
The one you know has got your back
Your hero
Is all I wanna be
When all else fails, turn to me
I'm never gonna let you down
I always wanna be there for you
I'm never gonna let you down
I only wanna be your hero
I'm never gonna let you down
I always wanna be there for you
I only wanna be your hero
I always wanna be your hero
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