rainy days and mondays..

this post is being co-brought to you by the 40-year old men i work with who sexually comment on barely-out-of-high-school girls and the guy who says, "good, we need it" every time it's supposed to rain..

Google has invented something called "Mail Goggles" in effort to halt the apparent drunk e-mailing epidemic sweeping the nation.. the user will pick a time frame (i.e. 11 p.m. to 4 a.m.) in which they have to answer a series of simple math and general IQ questions in order to send an e-mail.. that way, when you want to shoot the ex a "guess what i'm thinking about right now" e-mail, you have to show you can simplify fractions first.. there should be a degree of difficulty attached to each person in your address book.. like a "one" on the scale would be your fantasy football buddies and a simple "what is 5 x 4?" would suffice.. but a "ten" on the scale, which would consist of that crazy ex-girlfriend who deleted all the "female sounding names" out of your cell phone would be next to impossible.. "A 3kg object is released from rest at a height of 5m on a curved frictionless ramp. At the foot of the ramp is a spring of force constant k = 100 N/m. The object slides down the ramp and into the spring, compressing it a distance of x before coming to rest. Find x".. suddenly that booty call doesn't sound as appealing as leftover pizza and "Full House" reruns.. hmmm, i'd like to respond to this work e-mail but i have no idea which of these fucking trains gets to Chicago first.. bottom line, excellent idea Google.. pass it on to cell phone companies so we can use it for something people actually do, like drunk-dialing and drunk-texting..

on that topic, ever notice how the length of a drunk text shortens as you get later into the night? 11:00 p.m.: "what are you doing tonight? i'll be at (bar). you should come if you're not busy".. 1:59 a.m.: "?".. that's it.. obviously both mean the same thing, "want to drunkenly hook up later?".. English is so much easier than those other languages..

a radio station yesterday mentioned this situation: a guy overseas somewhere goes in to have surgery done.. it doesn't matter what kind because i didn't hear it mentioned.. anyway, he's put under and while he's unconscious he becomes "aroused", as the kids say.. probably an every day occurrence for doctors, right? they see everything, and at least once a month i read something about guys getting anywhere from 6 to 159 erections while sleeping, nothing we can do about it.. well this MALE doctor wasn't going to let a perfectly good situation go to waste, and gives the patient oral sex.. while he's unconscious.. actually put the guys penis in his mouth.. really?? no, seriously?? i've wat.. i've heard about pornographic movies which involve a similar male/female situation but i thought that kind of thing was completely fictional.. can't make it up..

i'm not sure i've ever been as bummed as i was about a year ago when i tried unsuccessfully to kill a spider in my bedroom right before i went to bed.. it wasn't very big or anywhere near my bed actually but when i tried to trap it in that tissue and missed, it immediately turned into the world's most unbelievably poisonous spider just waiting to crawl up my leg the minute i got into bed.. of course i shrieked like a Marine and spent the next half hour searching for it so i could sleep comfortably.. came up empty-handed.. legitimately bummed, that's the best way to describe it..

at a wedding a few weeks ago, i got a few "you're so skinny" comments from relatives that i hadn't seen in a while.. which never sucks but since it was just after losing 5 pounds of muscle from skipping the gym for a month, it wasn't as cool.. my brother told me that the lost muscle "looks good on you".. reassuring..

just heard this exchange involving my roommates:
one roommate to another in kitchen: "whatever you're cooking, it smells delicious!"
roommate in living room: "sounding pretty gay in there, guys".. classic..

this is a fun game to play: anytime you see somebody drop something, yell "fumble!".. doesn't matter if it's their grocery list on the ground or their engagement ring down the sink, it's always funny.. you can try to recover the fumble too if you've been drinking.. prepare to run and watch for tacklers if it's that engagement ring though..

i love Facebook status updates that are clearly meant to make someone jealous.. stuff like "Jenny is finally happy to have found a great guy" or whatever.. this screams of "this new guy really isn't that great, i just want to make ex-boy think that he is".. if you're actually happy and content then spend your time being happy and content.. if the past person sucked so badly then what's the point of keeping them in mind? don't waste your time trying to prove a point to someone who treated you like shit, put them in the past, move on and enjoy the new person.. if they really are that great, it should be easy to..

how cute is it when kids mess up a word or a sentence? i have a few nieces and nephews, here are a few of my favorite things they've said in the past.. i'm sure you've all played the board game "Guess Who", where you guess the person the other player has by asking for clues.. anyway, my nephew once asked me "does your person have a muttsmash?".. obviously going for mustache with that but to this day i say "muttsmash" instead of mustache.. while eating lunch one day, my niece asked "can i get more lotion on my pancakes?" (pointing at syrup).. that same niece referred to my dad as "Shorty" and my mom as "Sweetie Pie" because those were their nicknames for her, so she thought that's what she should call them.. cutest ever..

is a "snooze button" in the South just throwing a boot at the rooster?

i think it's safe to say that you can get anybody to do anything, as long as it's on your bachelor or bachelorette party list.. case in point, a couple years ago we were downtown and we were approached by a group of girls who were either part of a bachelorette party or big advocates of safe sex with all the condoms glued to their shirts.. probably both.. one of the items on their list was "get a guys boxer shorts".. any random girl comes up to you and asks for your boxers, you either laugh or say "you first", right?.. "but it's one of the items on our list! please!!" and one of my roommates exited to the bathroom to give up his underwear.. i noticed another item on the list was "kiss the ugliest guy in the bar" and suggested they get that out of the way but was told "you're definitely not ugly, you're one of the cutest ones here".. that was the answer i was secretly hoping for :)

if you ever find yourself in our hot tub, keep this in mind: the red light is the "sex light".. you have the option to cycle through a number of colors or keep it set on one.. needless to say if you're in there with 3 other dudes, you're either cycling or keeping it on a neutral "non sexual" color (green comes to mind) to cut out any weird moments.. but the first time i ever sat in there and saw the red light i said "that's definitely the sex light".. not that it has to happen, it just means there's potential for it to happen.. and maybe not actually happen in the hot tub, that could cause several problems, especially for the gal.. also, it doesn't get much better than hot tubbing while it's snowing.. "phenomenal" isn't enough to describe that..

on a more serious note, i was listening to a sports radio show at work last week and the guest was Louisville men's basketball coach, Rick Pitino.. i knew who Pitino was from following college basketball but i was unaware of this story.. in 1987, as his team was on a bus back home, they were pulled over by a police officer who told Pitino and his wife to call the hospital.. they did and were told they needed to make it there as soon as possible because something was wrong with their son, Daniel.. the fastest they could make it there was 45 minutes, so they begged the hospital to tell them what was wrong.. the doctors then told them that Daniel had died of congenital heart failure at the age of 6 months.. it was an absolutely heartbreaking story and it helps put things in your life in perspective.. that day at work, i was pissed because something was wrong with my computer at home and it was ruining my day because i didn't know how to fix it.. other people have terrible days because someone pisses them off at work or something else is stressing you out.. those aren't real problems.. yeah, they obviously weigh on your mind and this isn't to say they don't matter but they shouldn't effect your mood to the point where other people notice it.. if you have kids, imagine them not being around one day and never being able to get them back.. when they're driving you insane cause they won't stop crying, think about them not being around to cry.. for anyone who doesn't have kids, think about your parents, grandparents, siblings, best friends, boyfriend or girlfriend, etc.. believe me, i'm far from the most emotional or sentimental guy out there but this story just kinda got to me that day.. as long as you and the people you care about are healthy, the other problems you have aren't that bad.. that's my Dr. Phil rant for the night :)


Lyrics of the Night

"I Lie Awake" by Quietdrive

Can you hear me screaming
Coming to find you
It's not that I want to
Make it another night alone
This feeling is lonely
Sending me slowly
Hits me so deep
It cuts my bone
Fills my heart
Burns me up
For way too long
For way too long
Here's my hand
Pull me up

I lie awake because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now making sure we
Put these words between us

Can you hear us falling
We're falling faster
It's hard to remember
Where we were at a year before
I thought we were ready
I thought we were steady
'Till the emotion
Hit the floor
Fills my heart
Burns me up
For way too long
For way too long (where did you go)
Here's my hand
To pull me up

Don't put these words between us

I lie awake because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now making sure we
Put these words between us
I lie awake because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
And we'll lay these words
And we'll put them down
On the floor beneath us
Don't put these words between us
Don't put these words between us


"Just The Girl" by The Click 5

She's cold and she's cruel,
but she knows what she's doing.
She pushed me in the pool
at our last school reunion.
She laughs at my dreams,
but I dream about her laughter.
Strange as it seems
she's the one I'm after.

Cause she's bittersweet,
she knocks me off of my feet.
And I can't help myself,
i don't want anyone else.
She's a mystery.
She's too much for me.
But I keep coming back for more.
She's just the girl I'm lookin' for.

She can't keep a secret
for more than an hour.
She runs on 100 proof attitude power.
And the more she ignores me,
the more I adore her,
What can I do?
I'd do anything for her,

Cause she's bittersweet,
she knocks me off of my feet.
And I can't help myself,
i don't want anyone else.
She's a mystery.
She's too much for me.
But I keep coming back for more.
She's just the girl I'm lookin' for.

And when she sees it's me
on her caller ID
she won't pick up the phone;
She'd rather be alone.
But I can't give up just yet,
cause every word she's ever said
is still ringin' in my head.
Still ringin' in my head.

She's cold and she's cruel,
but she knows what she's doing.
Knows just what to say
so my whole day is ruined.

Cause she's bittersweet,
she knocks me off of my feet.
And I can't help myself,
i don't want anyone else.
She's a mystery.
She's too much for me.
But I keep coming back for more.

Cause she's bittersweet,
she knocks me off of my feet.
And I can't help myself,
i don't want anyone else.
She's a mystery.
She's too much for me.
But I keep comin' back for more.
Oh, I keep comin' back for more.
She's just the girl I'm lookin' for.
Just the girl I'm lookin' for.


"She Thinks She Needs Me" by Andy Griggs

She thinks I walk on water
She thinks I hung the moon
She tells me every morning,
"They just don’t make men like you"

She thinks I’ve got it together
She swears I’m as tough as nails
But I don’t have the heart to tell her
She don’t know me that well

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Sometimes she cries on my shoulder
When she’s lying next to me
But she don’t know that when I hold her
That she’s really holding me, holding me

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Yeah, and the funny thing is
She thinks she’s the lucky one


"Did I Ever Tell You" by Nick Lachey

Did I ever tell you I’m better to have known you?
I don’t want to leave you with the shadow of a doubt
Did I ever give you the strength you’ve given me?
And how can I begin to make each moment mean the most so you will see
I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes life just seems to get in the way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

And did I ever tell you I’m better to have known you
I don’t want to change you cause I proud of who you are
And should you ever question the pain we are going through
What I need to mention is that life just isn’t living without you
You know that I want you more than anything
Sometimes I just forget to say what I mean

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes its crazy life just gets in the way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you that way

It’s been too long
I want to sit down and write for you a perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd
I want to move you in a million ways
I said to you everyday but did I ever tell you I love you
Did I ever tell you I love you that way?