this post is being co-brought to you by the naked guy in the gym locker room who asked about my iPod and guys who wear any ring other than their wedding ring or Super Bowl/World Series/etc. ring..
Bumper Sticker of the Day: "Be a Flirt, Lift Your Skirt".. classy, like all bumper stickers..
according to a statistic i just made up, 95% of guys go to the gym just to get the Inguinal Crease.. that's "trainer speak" for those muscles that go from your hip down to your money-maker.. in order to see them, you have to get to 5-8% body fat, which is worth it if you know how many girls are attracted to them (over 100%, according to another statistic of mine).. so guys, when your gal is watching "Sex and the City" or "Grey's Anatomy" and you haven't been brainwashed into watching with them, hit the gym and work the cardio.. your gal will thank you later and subsequently, you'll thank me..
i've noticed this phenomenon sweeping the nation: attractive girls thinking lowly of their attractiveness and unattractive girls being completely oblivious to their unattractiveness.. it seems like girls who are attractive are always saying things about their ass being fat or needing to lose a few pounds, and guys are like "umm no, you're pretty fine the way you are".. meanwhile, you have 250 pound girls squeezing into extra-small shirts (usually on day-time talk shows) yelling about how everyone is jealous about how good they look.. no, we're just flabbergasted that it's physically possible for a belly button to hang below the knees.. how about my new job is to tell females how to feel about themselves and they must listen to me?.. this isn't to say girls should act all snobbish and "i'm so hot", just have the unspoken air about you that you can rock it and you know it..
this past Friday night was again fairly eventful.. as a house, we did our typical "watch sports, play darts, drink a lot of alcohol" that has become a fall/winter tradition.. we got on the topic of my roommates wedding (next November) and who is all going to be in it.. one of my roommates had already been asked to be a groomsmen and i had the feeling i'd also be asked but it wasn't going to be that easy.. the groom-to-be and the rest of my roommates were all adamant that i shaved my goatee during the Twins season, saying things like "if Nick Punto hits a home run in this game, you have to shave".. and i'd always turn them down, apparently i think i look like Ben Affleck when i have a goatee, when in actuality i look like Kevin Federline's younger brother.. anyway, to prove my desire to be involved in his wedding, i drunkenly shaved it off.. then, the groom-to-be asked me to give him six reasons why i should be in his wedding.. after insisting my drink have a pink straw, my answers were: "we've lived together 2 years", "i told you a legendary bedroom story while sober", "we sang N'Sync songs to each other driving to and from school as freshmen", and "i'm really cute".. needless to say, that's not six.. so to make up for that, i put a chew in.. and i had to last 4 minutes if i wanted to be in the wedding and 7 if i wanted to be the Best Man.. well i made it to about 4, i think, until i needed to get that shit out of my mouth.. i sprinted to the bathroom and washed my mouth out for about 5 minutes.. i've had about 10 chews in my life and have always insisted it was the last one.. i was then photographed while urinating.. good way to end any night, i always say..
i think i've mentioned this before but another fun thing that happens in our house is, whenever i leave, i can look forward to having a transsexual or a really fat girl as my computer wallpaper, compliments of my roommates.. one girl had a clitoris that was slightly larger than the average man's fist.. i'll walk into my room, look at my computer and this conversation will follow:
me: "are you fucking kidding me?"
roommate: "what's wrong?"
me: "well this woman on my computer has an erection...."
yes, i agreed to be in one of my roommates wedding's.. don't ask me why..
staying with the house theme, a few of us here have a word that we use when we see an attractive girl on TV.. my word is "hello" but it sounds like "hellew" (British accent) and i'll also say that under my breath if i see a real-life hot girl.. another roommate just says "yep", announcing his approval of how she looks.. another one says "how many?", as in "how many drinks would it take for you to have sex with her?".. his is more for unattractive girls..
again, this is something that has caught on in the house and i'll take full credit for it.. i listen to a sports radio show during the day called "P.A. and Dubay", which stands for Paul Allen and Jeff Dubay.. Paul Allen does the radio play-by-play for the Vikings.. anyway, they like to make fun of Dubay a lot because he used to be overweight and he really, really likes Minnesota sports.. his nickname is "Puffy" for whatever reason, and they have a button they can push to say "Puffy" when they want to imply he does something stupid.. for example: they can talk about listeners getting a free all-you-can-eat meal somewhere and hit the "Puffy" sounder to imply that Dubay eats a lot.. anyway, to make a long story longer, i've brought this into our house in a sexual manner.. anytime someone says something that can be construed as sexual but that's not how they meant it, i'd say "Puffy".. for example, while watching a football game: "it looks like they'll be short by a few inches" (Puffy).. or something as every day as "i don't think that will fit in there" (Puffy).. we're a very mature household and i'm the leader of the pack..
on the list of "things to be borrowed from a roommate", i think it's safe to say "face razor" can be put in the "not acceptable" section, especially when it's used to shave your scrotum.. hypothetically speaking.. toilet paper? sure.. beer? of course.. clothes? if you ask.. girlfriend? if you're not around.. but taking another man's razor that he uses to shave his face and running it over your balls? maybe taking "what's yours is mine" a bit too far? it's kinda like an unwritten rule, along the lines of "don't bunt to break up a no-hitter" or "never back down from a hockey fight" or "never trust anyone who's drunk, in love or in politics".. should be written down somewhere, i guess..
i've posted this before but it was all the way back in May, maybe before some of you "avid" readers knew about the shit i wrote.. it's about the time my roommate and i went to a boxing gym to try to get in shape about 3 years ago and i've been told it's fairly entertaining.. if you've already read it, scroll down to the lyrics.. if you don't like lyrics, you are excused to leave :)
a couple weeks before we start:
Him: "hey, do you want to join a boxing gym with me?"
Me: hahahaha
Him: "girls are more sexually attracted to guys who are in shape"
Me: "when does it start and will they give us flavored condoms?"
first night (times are estimates, keep in mind that this is Week 3 of the actual class, and our first night):
7:00 p.m. - we start out with the trainers telling us to grab a set of dumbbells, my cat-like quickness enables me to nab the 5's.. i talk trash to the other people silently..
7:10 p.m. - Warm-ups including stretching and lifting and bending and groin-pulling... thoughts running through my head: "seriously, are we just warming up right now??" "this girl next to me could tear my beanbag off barehanded, yikes" "when does ballet start?" "my labia hurt"..
7:15 p.m. - thoughts running through my head: "are we in the right gym? it said St. Cloud Downtown Boxing Gym on the sign, not Oscar De La Hoya's Olympic Boxing Training on the sign, right?" "i don't want to breathe anymore" "what exactly did that waiver say? i hope they have my parents phone number in case of an emergency"....
me and my boy parts have a disagreement about whether or not sex is this important...
Me: "i think i'll get girls just by using my personality"
Him: "when's the last time you touched a vagina?"
Me (half jokingly): "does being born count?" (fuck, he put me in a box there)
7:25 p.m. - we haven't moved further than 2 feet in any direction, yet we are laying in a pool of our own sweat... are we being Punk'd??
7:30 p.m. - cool, a jump rope!! 12 year-old girls can do this...
7:32 p.m. - I can't... hey, it's your turn, i think there's a sale on purses at Penney's that i need to get to.. by the way, i'm kidnapping your first-born child and brain-washing them to hate you..
7:40 p.m. - we begin to run up and down stairs.. not only do we do that, but when we reach the bottom of the stairs, we run around a circle and a fat slob hits us in our stomach with a boxing glove while yelling at us and probably eating nachos..
my thoughts after getting hit the first time: "wow, that really sucked... maybe i just need to clench my abs more the next time... or change my tampon"..
my thoughts after getting hit the second time: "wow, that sucked just as much if not more than the first one, where is the nearest bench?? my pancreas tastes funny and i need someone to help me straighten out my spinal cord"...
Roommate walks over to me after his 3rd time getting assaulted..
Me: "are you fucking kidding me right now?"
Him: "done"
Me: "wait, help me take my sports bra off"
7:45 p.m. - up the stairs, to the dressing room, out the back exit.. driving home is harder than Chinese algebra, every muscle is sore already.. now i know why boxers can't speak English, they're fucking retarded... and that's my 45-minute "boxing career"... the boxing heavy bag in the garage is so much easier to deal with..
Lyrics of the Week
"Say Yes" by Dusty Drake
We've only known each other since the moment we met
But it seems like forever to me
I haven't figured out the perfect way to say it yet
But I suppose at times like these
A man should get down on his knees
How'd you like to be in my wedding
How'd you like to walk down the isle
You could be the center of attention
Everyone would look at you and smile
We could send our friends invitations
You could wear a long white dress
If you'd like to be in my wedding, darlin'
All you have to do is say, "Yes"
Your folks could be seated in the very front row
And cry when we all turn to look at you
We could cut the cake
And we could strike a pose
Like the little bitty plastic bride and groom
And then begin our life-long honeymoon
How'd you like to be in my wedding
How'd you like to walk down the aisle
You could be the center of attention
Everyone would look at you and smile
We could send our friends invitations
You could wear a long White dress
If you'd like to be in my wedding, darlin'
All you have to do is say, "Yes"
Please say "Yes"
"Beautiful Wreck" by Shawn Mullins
I lost count of the times I've given up on you
But you make such a beautiful wreck you do
There's a tavern on the corner called the Milky Way
And you look so at home there it makes me afraid
And at the dark end of this bar
What a beautiful wreck you are
When you go too far
Beautiful wreck you are
Well all the plans that you had
From seven years ago
Like all the promises you made
I watched them come and go
You put your keys in the car but it wouldn't drive
With your hands on the wheel lookin' barely alive
I'm still sitting here waiting on the passenger side
For you to make up your mind
For you to make up your mind
At the dark end of this bar
What a beautiful wreck you are
When you go too far
Beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful
A beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful wreck
I've lost count of the times I've given up on you
But you make such a beautiful wreck you do
Yeah, you make such a beautiful wreck you do
You make such a beautiful wreck you do
At the dark end of this bar
What a beautiful wreck you are
When you go too far
Beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful
Beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful
Beautiful wreck you are
"I Could Not Ask For More" by Edwin McCain
Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see, the smile upon your face
And these are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments
I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are, is everything to me
And these are the moments
I know heaven must exist
And these are the moments, I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for (yeah)
And I could not ask for more…
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
And every dream I’ve had has come true
yeah, right here in this moment, is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you here with me…
Ooh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
And these are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
and these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for yeah
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
And every dream I’ve had's come true
yeah, and right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
here with you here with me…
I could not ask for more than the love you give me
Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more (more)
ooh and I could not ask for more
"Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's
Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
"Nothing To Prove" by Lonestar
You got your feet squeezed into heels that hurt
Cause they go with the job and they go with the skirt
You gotta look good when you're out there
Climbing ladders
You go above and beyond and then way beyond that
You do it all, yeah, you wear every hat
Hoping someone that matters will realize you matter
But all that really matters is it's Friday
And the sun is shining over my way
Toss your heels in the backseat
Drive home in your barefeet
Throw in that Van Morrison CD
Chip away a little by little
Til you find your groove
I'll pick up some takeout, we can just hang out
Levis and wine, blankets and lights down
Lay your head right here on my shoulder
And just be you, when you're with me
Girl, you got nothing to prove
I could listen all night if you wanna talk
Or we can lay here and say nothing at all
I already know who you are and that I love you
So, baby, take a long deep breath and exhale
Cause all you gotta be tonight is yourself
Toss your heels in the backseat
Drive home in your barefeet
Throw in that Van Morrison CD
Chip away a little by little
Til you find your groove
I'll pick up some takeout, we can just hang out
Levis and wine, blankets and lights down
Lay your head right here on my shoulder
And just be you, when you're with me
Girl, you got nothing to prove
You got nothing to prove
I'll pick up some takeout, we can just hang out
Levis and wine, blankets and lights down
Lay your head right here on my shoulder
And just be you, when you're with me
Girl, you got nothing to prove
When we're together, you got nothing to prove
You got nothing to prove, you got nothing to prove
You got nothing to prove
"Tonight I'll Take What I Can Get" by Dashboard Confessional
I've got my eye on top shelf liquor,
With taste so smooth it
Hits you quicker.
But you've only got the well.
And I've got an eye for top tier women
With legs so long they go straight to heaven,
But this old bunch looks like hell.
But tonight I'll take what I can get.
I'd like to hear a great musician
With strange ideas and grand ambition,
But this guy, he's got trouble with chords.
And I'd like to leave this game a winner
Head held high, the luck of beginners
But this old losers crawling out on all fours.
But tonight I'll take what I can get.
Well this drink will do,
And girl you look all right,
And this band is playing like hell tonight.
These dice are loaded
And lord I am too
I might be losing but I'm leaving soon.
With the prettiest girl
To enter this dump,
She drank all of the whiskey but she left me the rum
And tonight I'll take what I can get
Tonight I'll take what I can get
I've got my sights on brand new beginnings
Brand new starts make saints of sinners
But I'm doomed to live in my past
Live nude girls says the sign out front,
But old dead dreams are dancing in front,
Of old dead dreamers with washed up luck,
Buying love for cash
Well tonight I'll take what I can get.
This old story gets stale and dry,
No matter how I try and try
To spin this fable
Fresh and new
You strung me along
Like a tease on prom night
Getting me loose but
Leaving me uptight
Please tell me that
Some of that love was true.
Tonight I'll take what I can get
Well this drink will do,
And girl you look all right,
And this band is playing like hell tonight.
These dice are loaded
And lord I am too
I might be losing but I'm scoring soon.
With the prettiest girl
To enter this dump,
She drank all of the whiskey but she left me the rum
And tonight I'll take what I can get.
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