white lines and red lights..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by that guy at my work who's in his 40's and is on Facebook.. how's the love life?

the award for "Former Boy Band Member Who Has Successfully Ditched the Boy Band Stereotype and Become a Productive Member of Society" goes to Justin Timberlake.. the job he did on SNL and hosting the ESPY Awards were hilarious, plus he loves sports.. and he slept with Britney before the other 283 guys.. i know, i'm surprised too.. God must have spent a little more time on him..

if i see someone wearing a sweatband on their wrist anywhere other than a basketball court, football field or baseball diamond, my immediate reaction is, "i don't like you".. this also applies to anyone who wears a visor upside down and sideways anywhere in public..

to determine whether or not you and your significant other are compatible, your Zodiac signs matter about 28,391,147th most.. but keep reading your horoscope, you and a Scorpio will "heat up" on the 23rd.. clear your schedule..

girls, having an all-around active lifestyle matters way more than you training for a half marathon 5 years ago and then giving up exercise to follow your pie-eating career.. keep it up.. you'll feel hotter and we'll think you look hotter.. it's a win-win..

in the last week, 2 girls on Facebook requested to be my friend because they "saw me in a group i was in".. this doesn't mean we're friends.. i probably know .0001% of people i'm in groups with and we don't hang out.. if i've never seen you in real-life, we're not friends.. act accordingly.. this goes for you self-employed models on MySpace too.. just because you know how to set the timer on your camera and wear butt-floss doesn't mean i'm interested in adding you to my friends.. your name is Desiree and you live in South Beach, we're not compatible.. unless you're an Aries..

2 things made your day go better in elementary school.. playing trench in Phy Ed and successfully spelling "boobies" upside down on a calculator and showing your friends.. also, any day you didn't get tested for Scoliosis.. i always thought i'd come out of there in a wheelchair, never to walk again.. oh, and any day you played baseball and didn't take a one-hop off the seeds.. it was tough to explain to the choir teacher why you were singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in soprano..

the commercial where Jared from Subway holds up his "fat pants" continuously plays in Hell.. i think he's actually holding the tarp they use to cover Fenway Park when it rains..

the official "I Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Me" uniform is an oversized Tweety Bird t-shirt.. the girls on "Cops" must have a place to meet where they hand off the shirt and talk about food stamps and only getting slapped twice that week..

i'm guessing the text forward i got last night at 1:00 a.m. that read, "the post office just released a new stamp in the shape of a vagina, but it's not selling cause only 3% of men know how to lick it" was created by a woman.. i don't have a PhD in Quantum Physics, it's just a hunch.. also, consider me offended..

if you got a vasectomy and only found out it was botched when a girl told you she was pregnant, you've effectively ruined your weekend.. look on the bright side, you could have found out on the Maury Povich show with a bunch of other dudes who refuse to wear condoms, deodorant or shirts with sleeves.. this needs to be a pay-per-view event..

i've had just about enough of those security codes on the bottom of the pages where you order stuff with the blurry, crossed out letters that you need to decipher.. i'm fairly confident 50% of those letters are Chinese.. i don't even know where the upside down, lower case 'y' key is..

on a somber note, we put our family dog, Rascal, to sleep last night.. he was almost 14 years old, so it was getting to be that point but there's something about seeing your dad cry for the 3rd time in your life that makes it something more.. my dad would walk outside and Rascal would be right behind him, or he'd sit in a lawn chair and listen to the Twins game and Rascal would lay down right beside him.. sounds funny and cliche', but in this case "man's best friend" was true.. i haven't cried that much in a long time as i did on Sunday night while saying goodbye to him and seeing him so sick.. i just took it for granted that every time i pulled into my parents driveway that he'd be by my door to greet me with his cute freckles.. i'll miss that..