Diary: Open Air 2008

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the people in the grocery store who think they're the only ones there..

this is a running diary of Open Air at the Side Bar on Saturday..

*disclaimer: this post will make me look like a stereotypical asshole who only cares about one thing regarding girls... those of you who know me know that's not true, so take this for what it's worth (nothing, just like everything else i write) :)

8:30: arrive in Cold Spring, park by the bank, paparazzi light bulbs flashing as i exit and stroll down the red carpet.. "what are you wearing??", they yell.. "Union Bay shorts from Kohl's and a Chicago Cubs hat", i say as Hollywood as i can..

8:35: begin to play darts when i see an angel with a giant rack standing by the ATM machine, like God had placed her there for me only.. i alert the rest of the people i'm with that i want to make out with her.. girls in the group trash talk her by saying she's "not a real blonde", to which i fake knowing already.. also, i'm happy they said something, to this point i hadn't realized she had hair.. i text people immediately to know we'll be registered at Target, Kohl's and Sex World..

8:40: start formulating clever opening lines or conversation topics:
"did you know it's breast cancer awareness month?" (wink)
"boy, the economy really sucks, huh?"
"maybe now's a good time to discuss the names of our unborn children?"
finally settle on this one: "excuse me, ma'am, but would it be okay if i made out with you and squeezed your left can in the porta-potty?".. chicks dig confidence.. i left mine in my other purse..

8:45: boombalottie working for 98 Country slaps two stickers on my butt and one on my crotch.. promising start..

8:50: receive text response from my brother saying "ask her out!".. which would be a great plan if this was 1986 and a drive-thru movie theater was nearby.. then we could do some "necking" and maybe end up "going steady"..

8:50-9:15: the onslaught of pressure continues from friends to go talk to her but it's still light out and my flaws are more evident.. although, i have been compared to Mark Wahlberg, albeit by a very drunk (and, i'm assuming, blind) female at the bar.. that's like comparing Vanilla Ice to Eminem.. i offered to take off my shirt to see if that helped.. it didn't..

9:25: wonder if she's as curious as i am as to whether she looks better wearing only my Adrian Peterson jersey or only one of my button-down dress shirts? i think she is..

9:26: wonder if she's at least 18.. i think she is..

9:30: "umm, i asked for a Miller Lite and this tastes like the ass sweat of a panda bear"..

9:40: i have to pee like a pile of frogs right now.. the chalkboard in the men's room indicates that Lou is not gay anymore but "Ryan really likes the blonde at the end of the bar".. fun.. my roommate is also in the bathroom and gives me this proposition: "here's $20 (puts a $20 bill in my pocket, marking the first time a man's hand has been in my pants while i was touching my penis), all you have to do is go talk to her for 5 minutes and it's yours"..

9:41: hand $20 back to roommate..

9:50: "she definitely keeps looking at you", i'm told.. wishing i was an asshole so i could go be disrespectful, take her home and wake the neighbors..

9:55: hey, a Carrie Underwood song!! which reminds me, if she doesn't start responding to my poems i'm taking her off my MySpace Top 8..

10:00: i could eat 17 of these hamburgers and wash it down by licking whipped cream and chocolate syrup off that girl.. that's probably more of a second date sort of thing though.. wonder if she's more of a "fire on the beach by the ocean" or "trip to the Colorado mountains" sort of girl.. honeymoon ideas..

10:10: roommate: "you talk to her yet?".. wish that Midol would kick in.. should have sprung for extra strength..

10:15: notice former high school classmate wearing a cowboy hat, boots and sleeveless t-shirt.. immediately cross him off the "threat list" and hoping he doesn't ask me to help him bale hay tomorrow..

10:20: two guys are peeing on that porta-potty.. isn't that ironic? it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, according to Alanis..

10:30: it's raining!! she's wearing white!! my pants hurt.. if i see her now i'm afraid i'll immediately propose.. i could wake up next to her for the next 65 years..

10:40: probably have a better chance with her if i speak to her but let's not get carried away, it's still early..

10:45: drinking a Morgan Coke?? maybe it's later than i thought..

10:50: when did it become acceptable for women to use the men's room at the bar? i'm assuming right around the time that drunk men became infatuated with scantily clad women.. thanks cavemen, i don't care if you invented the wheel and fire.. i have to pee like Johnny Damon right now..

11:00: SHE THINKS MY TRACTOR'S SEXY!!!

11:05: regret dancing to "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy"..

11:15: notice fake girlfriend hanging out with some hillbilly with a goatee by hamburger stand.. suddenly become hungry..

11:16: Goatee Hillbilly asks for cheeseburger, teenager politely informs GH they don't have cheese... "WHAT?!?"... umm, she said, "we don't have cheese", not "'you're mother is a whore".. calm down before you spook that squirrel on your chin..

11:17: want to hit GH in head with steel folding chair and steal girl, ala WWF wrestling..

11:18: instead walk away, tucking vagina between legs.. maybe my standards are too high.. should have hit on that overweight girl with the mustache..

11:25: listed in Vegas as "Probable (hangover)" for dinner at parents tomorrow..

11:30: leave for home.. couldn't tell you the name of everyone in the car but am absolutely certain i nailed the lyrics to both "Regulators" by Warren G and Nate Dogg, as well as "Cowboy" by Kid Rock.. poor consolation prize..

12:00: in bed, alone.. didn't talk to a girl, didn't leave with one.. isn't it ironic??