you look good in my shirt..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the two guys i saw in the lunch room at work doing a Sudoku puzzle together.. i half expected them to be sharing a malt with 2 straws and wearing each others high school letter jackets..

there's fun, there's really fun, and then there's bouncing golf balls off the tractor driven by the teenager making minimum wage who's picking up the range balls..

guys fear the phrase "we need to talk" as much as girls fear Porta-Potties.. it means either, "i'm pregnant" or "you fucked up, big time".. either way, we're looking for the next flight to Kuala Lumpur..

why are major league ballboys either 74-year-old men or 14-year-old girls? this old guy couldn't get out of bed this morning unassisted and he's currently suspenders-deep in a fantasy about a threesome with Angela Lansbury and Sue Johanson from the "Sunday Night Sex Show".. now you want him to get his body in front of a Manny Ramirez line drive? and i might be alone on this but i feel there are better ways for Girl Scouts to get their Courage badges than risking orthodontic work during the 7Th inning stretch..

in no particular order, here are some of my favorite moments in sports, past and present:
- a hail Mary from Daunte Culpepper to Randy Moss
- Adrian Peterson straight running clowns over and sprinting to the end zone
- Minnesota Wild playoff overtime games
- WNBA fast break layups
- anything Carlos Gomez does, from stealing bases to sprinting to first base after a walk to smelling his bat to saying in an interview, "i can't wait to hit in front of Morneau, the catcher and the other guy".. pure comedy..
- that sound Maria Sharapova makes on her return shot

i can be alone in my car but every time i see someone change lanes without signaling, i say, "nice blinker, you fucking moron", without fail.. just like the morning starting with the sun rising in the east and Paris Hilton picking up her "emergency morning after pill"..

if you pass out and your friends duct tape you to a tree, shave your eyebrows off and post the video on YouTube, don't bring that up at a job interview or when your meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time.. you're welcome..

girls moan during sex, FYI

does anyone else miss "Next" on MTV? they get five of the biggest whores or douche bags on a bus (you know this because the girls are usually wearing skirts cut to mid-clitoris and have masking tape over their nipples, and the guys are usually wearing pink shirts with the collar popped and have spiked hair with frosted tips)... moving along, the gals come off the bus talking trash about how "he won't be able to resist these DD's".. well, he will if he sees your beer belly first or when you include "yellow" in the alphabet.. and the guys come out and say things like "i'm about to handle this".. handle what? the fact that you didn't get much sleep last night because there was an N*Sync concert on VH1 and then you played "Doom" online with your "computer friends"? anyway, also right when they leave the bus, a graphic comes on screen saying their name, age and 3 facts about said person.. how bizarre are these?? "Troy, 21, collects lint from other peoples belly buttons, can't wear socks on even-numbered days and was born a Siamese twin in Bangladesh".. terrific.. the best is when a chick spends like 3 hours on a date, gets "nexted" and says "i'm glad he 'nexted' me, i didn't like him anyway".. really? cause if i don't like someone, i usually don't make out with them in a hot tub and then wrestle a mountain lion to impress them.. that's about as believable as that guy on "To Catch A Predator" who's nude from the waist down but insists he drove 4 1/2 hours "just to talk" to the 13-year-old girl he met online.. right, with that 6-pack of wine coolers, web cam and unopened box of condoms that expired in 1996.. high comedy..

to increase your chances of sex on the first date, speak Italian.. i can't speak Italian but i can kiss French.. right continent, i feel that's close enough.. (also increasing chances of sex on the first date: showering and not wearing sweatpants)..

mall Santa's double as level 3 sex offenders.. act accordingly..

to pick the nicknames of minor league baseball teams, do they just flip to a page in the Almanac for Bizarre Wild Animals and go with it? some examples: Savannah Sand Gnats.. Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.. Toledo Mud Hens.. Brevard County Manatees.. Winston-Salem Warthogs.. i mean, are we serious here? what happened to the classic Cardinals or Tigers or Beavers? (thanks Oregon State!)

on the baseball topic, pregame handshakes between teammates have become slightly more complicated than the Pythagorean Theorem.. if you can remember all the jazz you throw in your 2 minute and 17 second-long handshake, you better never miss a hit-and-run sign from the third base coach..

who's relationship is the strongest? Johnny and June Carter Cash, Noah and Allie from "The Notebook" or that couple on "Cops" who called the police because they were drunkenly throwing cheeseburgers at each other BUT refused to press charges and civilly ended things with a hug? tough call.. by the way, i can neither confirm nor deny the rumors in 'US Weekly' that i watched "The Notebook" by myself in a Massachusetts hotel room.. and IF i did, i did not get "teary-eyed", it was just a really dusty January in the northeast..

if Hell played against Osama Bin Laden and 8 of his friends in a baseball game, Roseanne would sing the national anthem and Brett Favre would throw out the first pitch..

still haven't seen "The Strangers" but have heard it's "scary good".. who's going with me and holding my hand and laughing when i cover my face during the scary parts?

and lastly, a very heartfelt congratulations to my roommate Josh and his longtime girlfriend (and high school sweetheart) Dana for their engagement over the weekend.. very exciting, you make the perfect couple despite your personalities being about as contrasting as possible.. it works as well as any relationship i've ever seen.. very happy for you two and i call dibs on being the Godfather of your first child :)