guitars and cadillacs..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by girls who chew tobacco, dudes who use metal detectors at the beach to look for "hidden treasures", and losers who spend all afternoon at Best Buy playing the video games..

around Christmas every year, i have to watch both "Home Alone" and "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation".. Christmas without these movies is like not having snow.. phenomenal movies..

guys, if you want out of a relationship, just hesitate when she asks, "do i look fat in this?".. first of all, you don't want to be in a relationship with a girl who tries to trap you with that question.. if you girls think you look fat in it, don't wear it and work a little harder at the gym next time.. we're fine with what you're wearing and what you were wearing both times before you changed.. just get dressed and don't make us late, that's all we ask.. and skip the underwear..

went to Cash Wise today and needed some sunscreen.. lucky for me, the only sunscreen i found was on the top shelf above the tampons and because God loves playing jokes on me, i bumped the shelf and knocked about 7 boxes of Tampax "something-glides" on the floor while an elderly couple stopped to gawk at me.. lovely.. i should have told them "Wheel of Fortune" was on or that they were late for their shuffleboard tournament..

how come you can't buy burgers and buns with the same quantity? today i bought a box of 9 burgers and obviously buns come in either 8 or 12-packs.. i wasn't fooled, it's just a ploy to make you buy more buns.. i blame the metric system.. and Martha Stewart..

one of my favorite guys is the guy at the gym who you've never spoken to but you need a spotter one day so you ask him.. he immediately turns into your personal trainer and starts yelling things at you like, "one more!" and "lock your elbows!".. it's awesome.. meanwhile, you just want him to keep the barbell from dropping on your Adam's apple and collapsing your esophagus.. one end of the bar is always lower than the other because one of your arms is spasming and giving out but this guy is having none of you giving up.. finally you finish your set and you go back to staring at the hot chicks, while he walks away with his hand wraps, chalk and leather weight belt to go drink his 3-gallon protein shake.. love that guy..

here's my gym story from tonight, not to sound all "jock" and "muscular" or whatever, just kinda funny.. i follow this workout program and today calls for chest and triceps and is only 4 lifts plus cardio if i want.. i was going to skip the cardio because my legs felt heavy today for some reason.. anyway, i get to the gym and my "gym wife" is there (basically just a racked-out blonde chick who i see a few times a week and want to make out with constantly.. i imagine she "moves her body like a cyclone and she makes me wanna do it all night long", copyright Baby Bash).. so she's at the gym tonight and i finish the lifts i was going to do, planning on leaving at this point.. but she's still there and in my area.. immediately i add 2 more lifts then follow her over to the ab workout area and bust out some ab exercises.. at this point, i'm there 20 minutes longer than i intended on, just because this girl hasn't left yet.. then she goes over to the elliptical machine and i figure she'll wind down for a few minutes and leave, so i go over to the treadmill and start running so i can watch her walk out.. anyway, 15 minutes, 1.6 miles and one dripping wet t-shirt later she finally walks out, making eye contact with me, rendering the whole experience worth it.. except that i neglected to put on my spandex shorts because i didn't expect to do cardio, so my balls weren't as festive and enthusiastic about it as i was.. oh well.. you're probably thinking "why don't you talk to her while you're there?".. well for two reasons: one, we both wear iPods while we work out, so that would be rude.. and two, i'm afraid i'll tear my vaginal wall.. my brother suggests this: "you can give her the eye contact and say hi without saying it.. she'll get the vibe.. then she'll come over and cook you waffles".. can't argue with that, right? i love waffles.. the lesson, as always: guys will do anything to attract girls, even risk "death by cardio"..

*happy birthday on July 4Th to one of my "blog groupies", Ashley! also a shout-out to America, born that day as well..