the geeks get the girls..

ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Caribou Coffee for the 3rd straight week! in this corner, weighing in at a svelte, protein shake and beer-fueled 184 pounds, ME!! (applause, women fainting).. in that corner, weighing quite a bit more than that, a guy who just got off work at Mills Fleet Farm and has probably never seen a naked woman in real-life!! (booooooooo)... LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy in the car behind you who lays on the horn one millisecond after the light turns green and people who scream at their seven children in public places.. seriously, have more kids..

i've decided recently that i'm dead-set on learning how to play the guitar, for a few reasons.. 1: i paid $350 for a guitar a few years ago and i'm not really getting my money's worth.. 2: chicks dig guys who play guitar.. and 3: i want to write songs at some point.. i know i don't have the voice to sing in public but i think it's something cool to do at parties or when bored.. and the song-writing thing doesn't really work if you don't know the chords and which ones sound good together, etc.. without that knowledge you're basically just writing poems, which i'll reluctantly admit i've done for "love interests" in the past, always the romantic.. i'm huge into lyrics, if i hear a song that i like on the radio or at a bar, i'll immediately write it down and look up the lyrics when i can.. if i can't find them, i'll listen to the song and write them down myself.. and when i hear certain lyrics, i wonder what the song writer went through to get to that point and how he was able to make a song out of it.. super interesting.. plus, girls pretty much throw their underwear at you when they know you can play guitar.. that doesn't suck.. "why don't you girls gather around this campfire and listen to this song i wrote about a girl that broke my heart".. like those girls aren't putty in that dudes hands..

is it possible for a cold front to pass through a bedroom? i'll go to bed with my chestnuts roasting and a fan on "high" an inch from the bed and wake up a few hours later curled up in the fetal position battling hypothermia because it's 17 degrees.. it's absolutely ridiculous..

the guy at my work who was voted "most likely to burn the place down if he ever got fired" was just fired.. so that's cool..

"Hole In The Wall" is both the best and worst thing to ever be put on television.. last week a team of "little people" (don't know the politically correct term anymore?) faced off against a team of female bodybuilders who had biceps bigger than my thighs.. attractive.. anyway, the object of this game is to try to get through a person-shaped hole in a Styrofoam wall that's coming at you.. if you don't, you get knocked in the water.. evidently this was a huge hit in Japan.. a roommate and i did nothing but tell each other how horrible this show was, yet we watched it from beginning to end.. so they hooked us.. but mix in a female that doesn't need to shave her face and/or back next time, please..

found this out recently: my twin sister knows more about the outdoors than i do, thanks to her boyfriend.. she'll talk to me about what he's doing that weekend while i sit there with a "Tarvaris Jackson in the 4th quarter" look on my face, wondering what's gonna happen with Heidi and Spencer on "The Hills" that week.. embarrassing..

Dear Tampa Bay Rays fans, good luck in the playoffs.. both of you..

one of my favorite developments in the house is the asking of roommates if he and his particular gal are fighting.. a couple examples.. one of my roommates is engaged, which i've mentioned before.. his fiancee will spend weekends at our house then go back to school on Monday morning.. Monday nights when they chat on the phone, it's generally a short conversation because they spent all weekend together.. so when he hangs up after 5 minutes, we'll ask him if they're fighting or if they're mad at each other.. another example.. CHG is off in at P.A. school in Ohio, so a conversation between a roommate and i will generally go like this:

him: are you going to visit her this weekend?
me: really?
him: why not?
me: because she's five states away and i'm not dating her
him: oh... are you guys fighting?

it's never not funny... side CHG note: she's currently tearing up the Ohio Flag Football circuit and is the front-runner for Defensive Player of the Year and Trash Talker of the Year awards.. i think she'd rather have the trash-talker trophy.. she's self-admittedly attempting to be the first (and sexiest) doctor/NFL middle linebacker in history, cutest ever.. look for it on Sportscenter..

one of my favorite parts of Christmas is my mom remembering something i said in April and getting it for me.. "remember back at Easter when you mentioned (whatever)?".. "no, Mom, i'm a guy, i can't remember what i bought you".. that's mom's for you, though.. just one of the little nuances to Christmas that i love..

not sure what's going on at JCPenney's but the 5-0 has been called to the scene.. hope Mills Fleet Guy didn't take people hostage with balers twine..

dear Americans, happy first day of Autumn!
dear Canadians, happy third week of snow!

a few of my favorite experiences as a freshman in college, where i lived with 2 of my current roommates:

- driving 50 minutes in a 1990 Ford Escort, lovingly given the nickname "red rocket", without a cell phone every weekend.. nothing beats driving back to school on a Sunday afternoon in the blizzard of the century in a car that decided daily whether or not it will provide heat, without a cell phone..

- having police knock on your apartment door because "someone was peeing off the balcony" during a party..

- having about 50 bottles of alcohol lining the top of our kitchen cupboards in the spring, 35 or so being Absolut Mandarin, which we mixed with orange juice.. cause, you know, it's healthy.. still can't drink that..

- McDonald's offering 2 quarter pounders for $2.22 for roughly 8 months and 2 weeks of our 9 month stay, aiding our attempt to add the "freshman 15".. was about a 25 minute round-trip to get to McDonald's.. that was negative..

- playing Pitcher/Catcher with a whiffle ball down the hallway of our apartment.. usually not sober..

- one roommate actually doing his Art homework because his "teacher is hot".. always a good reason to do homework..

- that same roommate having to leave orientation 20 minutes in because he was going to throw up.. we had an apartment-warming party the night before..

- me telling other roommate a 5-10 minute bedtime story that was legendary, completely sober.. i included various animals, a land far, far away, etc.. it was so legendary that he asks me to tell him bedtime stories to this day.. i always have to decline because nothing will ever live up to that.. i amazed myself..

- waking up for 9:00 a.m. class and seeing my roommates back already from 8:00 class, playing PS2 and saying, "you're not going to class, right?".. then me throwing my backpack on the couch... hence the failing grade in Algebra... like i care about the difference between an obtuse triangle and that other kind of triangle that's not a equilateral triangle.. i'm still alive..

- refusing to pick up roommates from the "baseball house" at midnight on a school night, resulting in minors for both of them.. which didn't stop them from banging on my bedroom door when they got home, nor hanging their minors on the fridge to remind me that i could have prevented it..

- a bitch that lived below us that still has like 4 of my movies.. massive late fee..

- 39 inches of snow in 2 days.. and 2 days of shoveling, especially after my car was buried by roommates and fellow apartment dwellers for being late to help shovel..

- taking 2nd place in the intramural basketball league and trash-taking throughout.. apparently they didn't realize we went to Basketball High School..

- that hot girl in my public speaking class.. think her name was Angela and that she wanted to marry me..

- trips back and forth home with one roommate, totally rocking N'Sync "This I Promise You".. i wish i were kidding..

- having a class called Study Skills in which i took the notes of both roommates who had the class before.. one of them had failed the class.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot..

- being drunk one night and deciding (with some peer pressure) that was the right time to pierce my right earlobe, to match the left one.. without ice.. without a starter earring.. not sure why i'm still friends with these people..


Lyrics of the Week

"All I Ever Wanted" by Chuck Wicks

Girl you got me goin'
Yeah, I think you know it
Oh, I'm ready for this ride
So c'mon take my hand
Cause, only you, you understand
How to kick this feelin' into..

Drive all night with me
Sing the favorite song to sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

Was to see you in the pale moonlight
Just the way you look tonight
And maybe someday
If love comes our way
We'll be walkin' in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirlin' in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl, I believe that it's true
All I ever wanted, all I ever really wanted
Was you

If life is what you make it
Here's my chance, I'll take it
You know I want to make you mine
I had this picture in my mind
And you were in it all the time
So baby hold on tight

Drive all night with me
Sing the favorite song to sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

Was to see you in the pale moonlight
Just the way you look tonight
And maybe someday
If love comes our way
We'll be walkin' in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirlin' in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe that it's true
All I ever wanted, all I ever really wanted
Was you


"Love Remembers" by Craig Morgan

You can't forget what love was wearing
When it walked out your front door
Where you fell down to your knees
And can't forget the kind of suitcase
That was packed out on the sidewalk
While you cried there beggin' please
But love remembers

You can lie and tell yourself
You're over it and someone else will take love's place
And this is for the best
You can lie in that bed
In a stranger's arms reachin' for comfort
Close your eyes and still get no rest

Cause love remembers
The smell of a summer day
Lying in a hammock over fresh cut grass
And the promise of forever
Yeah love remembers
The sound of the pouring rain
Beatin' down on the top of a car
On the side of the road
Where it couldn't wait
Yeah, love remembers

You might convince yourself
There's shelter in a bottle
For a while there it might numb the pain
But when it hits you, then it hits you
That love's still gone and you'll be wishin'
That you'd poured it down the drain

Cause love remembers
The taste of cotton candy lip gloss
On the lips of a long kiss
And the plans they made together
Yeah love remembers
The feel, the fingertips
Running through soakin' wet hair
On the bank after a midnight swim
Yeah, love remembers

Yeah, love remembers
The smell of a summer day
Lying in a hammock over fresh cut grass
And the promise of forever
Love remembers
The sound of the pouring rain
Beatin' down on the top of a car
On the side of the road
Where it couldn't wait
Yeah, love remembers


Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start
Oh, But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find


"Mudfootball" by Jack Johnson

Saturday morning and it's time to go
One day these could be the days but who could have known
Loading in the back of a pickup truck
Riding with the boys and pushing the luck
Singing songs loud on the way to the game
Wishing all the things could still be the same
Chinese homeruns over the backstop
Kakua on the ball and soda pop well...

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain
Nothing's gonna change there's no need to complain

Sunday morning and it's time to go
Been raining all night so everybody knows
Over to the field for tackle football
Big hits, big hats, yeah give me the ball
Rain is pouring, touchdown scoring
Keep on rolling, never boring
Karma, karma, karma chameleon
We're talking kinda funny from helium

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain
Nothing's gonna change there's no need to complain

Monday morning and it's time to go
Wet trunks and schoolbooks and sand on my toes
Do anything you can to dodge the bus-stop blues
Like driving a padiddle with a burnt-out fuse
My best friend Kimi wants to go with you
So meet her by the sugar mill after school
My best friend Kimi wants to go with you
Meet her by the sugar mill after school

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would
Everything good always would remain


"With You, Tonight" by Matt Wertz

Saturday, 600 miles
Lie between the two of us
And telephones, they can't replace
Me with you, face to face

You gotta tell me its true
You feel the same
I'm so much better when I say your name

Let me be with you tonight
Everything will be just fine
Oh, with you tonight

When streetlights kissed
Upon your lips
My jealous eyes saw it all of it
Losing sleep, we learned to be
Me with you, you with me

You gotta tell me its true
You feel the same
I'm so much better when I say your name

Let me be with you tonight
Everything will be just fine
With you tonight


"When You Turn Around" by Tim Mahoney

When the walls start closing in
In this stoplight town
Don't it make you wanna walk right outta here?
Hit the highway with the top rolled down

And then we're miles away
And twilight fades to black and white
You look in the rear view mirror
There's nothing there

I'll be Frank Sinatra
Back in Chinatown
And you will be Marilyn
Before the weight of stardom
Dragged her down

We'll meet at Rick's Cafe
And Sam will play a song again
And you'll be perfect
And I will understand you
When you turn around
And you turn around

We'll park the car by the sign that says "vacancy"
Get a room for the night
Beneath the sky with a star for every chip in Vegas
Like Sammy and Deano
And let it ride
But you look in the mirror
And you are there

I'll be Frank Sinatra
Back in Chinatown
And you will be Marilyn
Before the weight of stardom
Dragged her down

We'll meet at Rick's Cafe
And Sam will play a song again
And you'll be perfect
And I will understand you
When you turn around

On a broken fire escape
Behind the neon sun
We're a double feature that
Will never run
Until you turn around
And you turn around

When the sunrise spray paints the desert sky
And it's time to head back
Don't it make you wanna follow the darkness down
Fade to black
But you look in the mirror
There's nothing there

I'll be Frank Sinatra
Back in Chinatown
And you will be Marilyn
Before the weight of stardom
Dragged her down

We'll meet at Rick's Cafe
And Sam will play a song again
And you'll be perfect
And I will understand you
When you turn around
And you turn around

When you turn around
When you turn around

20 Things She Notices About You

20 Things She Notices About You (from Men's Health.. guys, take notes.. or just print it..)

1. Your well-muscled left forearm. Conveniently located directly above the very first thing I notice: your ring finger.

2. Your skin tone. 1 percent increase in tan = 47 percent increase in muscle tone.

3. Your resemblance to a rock. The Rock, Kid Rock, and all the rocks in between are equally attractive. So stop worrying about your body type. I like them all.

4. Your lungs. When you suck in your gut to impress me, I'm charmed silly.

5. Your stride. I love watching a man who's confident and in shape enough to run shirtless on the beach. You're barefoot, too? My heart is racing.

6. Your swim trunks. No Speedos, please. Just something stylish that shows off your moneymaker.

7. Your moneymaker. It's not what you're thinking . . . I mean those lines that start near your hips and plummet down to your groin. They make you extremely hot . . . and me very, very bothered.

8. Your resemblance to Spider-Man. Women think Tobey Maguire is sexy. And you look like you can totally kick his ass.

9. Your calves. Especially when you're playing volleyball, sprinting for the Frisbee, riding your bike, or on your hands and knees helping a 5-year-old dig a sandcastle moat.

10. Your body in jeans . . . and a linen dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves and a backward baseball cap, all while you're splashing around with your black Lab in the surf at sunset. No, you're not wearing or doing that now. But I'm imagining you are, and you look freaking fetching.

11. Your rear view. Three words: lower-back dimples.

12. Your activity level. Have you been lying out? Or working out?

13. Your shoulder muscles. At some point I will determine whether you're strong enough to save me when I pretend to be caught in the undertow.

14. Your brainpan. Turn the right kind of pages and you can really turn me on. What are you reading—Melville? Or Maxim?

15. Your accessories. Sunglasses and thong flip-flops = instant appeal.

16. Your attire. Salty, sandy, sun-kissed, and wearing a well-worn white T-shirt? I don't care what's under your shirt, because I can only think about getting naked.

17. Your courage. You didn't dip your toe to test the water before jumping in.

18. Your eyes. My eyes are open under these Jackie O. sunglasses, boy, and I can see you checking me out.

19. Your beer belly. A small one's not so bad. A tiny bit of soft flesh over the waistband is forgivable. (Just don't look like you swallowed the keg.)

20. Your belly button. Innie? Outie? Doesn't matter. Weirdly erotic, either way.

crazy kinda crush on you..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by girls who don't dress slutty for Halloween, guys out of college who still have their mom's make their appointments, and this kid who wants to do hood rat stuff with his friends who smokes dem cigarettes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKN64o-vHyU

purchased the October Playboy this past weekend which, not coincidentally, features the girls from the Big 10 (poor overall showing by our gals from the U of M, however.. must be a rebuilding year).. that's not the point, i applaud any girl willing to not have clothes on.. what this is really about is a letter written to The Playboy Advisor that is very x-rated and jaw-dropping with it's content.. so put the kids to bed for this one, i'll write the letter in it's entirety:

"I went clubbing this past weekend with my best friend and her boyfriend. After the club closed we went back to her place. She was totally wasted and started to blow her boyfriend in the kitchen. I felt frisky and started touching myself as I watched. Finally, I squatted next to her, and we took turns sucking on him. Despite my asking him not to come in my mouth - and his promise that he wouldn't - he did. I didn't mean to swallow, but my reflex took over. I know he is clean, so I won't get some nasty disease, but I still tried to puke when I got home. I'm feeling tremendous guilt about swallowing. A part of me wants to tell my boyfriend, but the other part tells me it was a fluke that will never happen again. Should I tell my boyfriend, who is the jealous type, or just forget about it? -T.C., Medina, Ohio"

okay, i know that was a lot to take in, no pun intended.. Playboy answered kinda along the same lines as this, but are we to the point where it's okay to give oral sex to a guy who's not your boyfriend as long as you don't swallow? this young lady appears to think that's the rule.. and excuse your boyfriend for being the "jealous type".. i'm guessing any guy on the planet, "jealous-type" or not, would be less than pleased to learn his girlfriend was sucking on another dude.. or are "care-free" guys okay with that?

"hey honey, i gave head to my best friend's boyfriend last night"
"what?!?"
"it's okay, i didn't swallow"
"oh.. what do you wanna do tonight? go to a movie or just hang in?"

somehow i don't see it playing out like that.. by the way, shame on this girl for breaking the cardinal rule: never believe anything your best friend's boyfriend says while he's inside you.. rookie mistake.. he knows a good thing, at that point he can do no wrong since his girlfriend is right there allowing it to happen.. whatever.. get the kids back up, the rest of this will be PG-13..

went to one of my roommates parents last Friday night to have a bonfire and drink several adult beverages.. don't act like we didn't pee in our pool in the backyard when we got home.. don't worry, it probably disinfected it a little bit, i think Bigfoot lives in there.. it's a mess.. anyway, i pretended to know things about hunting while chatting with my roommates dad.. he had stories and tips galore, all i had for input was that the first year i went up north with my dad and brothers for deer hunting (2005), i spent about 45 minutes in the woods on Saturday morning before i shot my first deer.. one guy had been going up there 20 years and hadn't shot one.. had some fun with that: "you've been here 20 years and i've been here 20 minutes..." my dad was more fired up than i was, i just go to sit in the tent at night and drink and bullshit.. if i didn't step a foot in the woods, i wouldn't care.. the best thing about getting a deer that early was that i could sleep in the rest of the weekend.. my dad had asked me for a few years with me turning him down because i thought i'd hate it but i know in a few years i'd regret not going.. it's just fun spending time with him and my brothers, now i look forward to it every year..

in reverse chronological order, before we went to the fire i helped a different roommate put together his bed frame.. i knew he had bought it and was working on it by himself, so i dusted off a hammer and/or screwdriver that was undoubtedly left there by one of our girlfriends and pretended i knew what to do.. i walk into his room and he says, "i'm on step 3 already!", triumphantly.. i look at the directions and discover step one and two combine to get the frame in a square shape on the floor.. "god, you're dumb" i tell him.. there was a lot of "is that part 1D or 3B?" type questions with confused looks on our faces, and it took us probably 20 minutes to get the thing together, having about 147 spare parts that clearly weren't important but he's successfully slept on his bed without collapse for 3 nights.. sometimes i wonder who's a manlier man, me or Matthew McConaughey.. probably a tie..

it was announced today that the Twins stadium opening in the spring of 2010 will be named Target Field.. i wonder if there will be employees in red shirts asking them how many items they have before they get dressed? you know, like in the dressing rooms at Target? (crickets chirping) moving on.....

a college football game this past weekend between Auburn and Mississippi State ended with the score 3-2.. i wonder who had the bases clearing double for Auburn in the 8th inning? soccer thought that game was boring..

a strip club bouncer wrote an article for Cosmo that i obviously read.. anyway, he said that 90% of guys who come into a strip club try to get a girl to leave with them.. either to a real club for drinks or somewhere else to do "something else" (PG-13, remember?).. just the type of girl you want to bring home to mom, right? "how'd you guys meet?".. "i'm glad you asked, Mom, that's a great story.. Cinnamon offered me a lap dance and just as i was telling her that her clit ring really diverted the attention from her C-section scar, it got hooked on my zipper and we had to have Desiree get us separated.. we've been screaming at each other ever since.. it was like fate!".. what happened to meeting lawyers and doctors and, you know, people who have jobs that require clothing and the occasional drug test? probably became uncool the same time it became cool to suck your best friend's boyfriend off.. just kidding on the PG-13 stuff, by the way.. time to grow up, kids..

if i'm unsure about which outfit i should wear, i'll do what any 25-year-old male does: call or text his twin sister for her input.. "white button down or black t-shirt? hat or no hat? sandals or Doc's?".. most times i'm able to dress myself but if i feel the need to look extra "fly", i get a second opinion.. the first time i met CHG in person and on purpose, i tried on like 5 outfits before i got advice.. you remember CHG from about a month ago, right? i felt it was necessary that night because i knew she would be bringing her A-game.. i think i aced the fashion part of the "first date" since it led to one of my favorite top 3 CHG quotes, which i'll keep to myself out of respect.. let's just say she made my August 16th more than just Madonna's birthday..

Caribou Coffee is the last public place in history to not have a urinal in the men's bathroom.. if i wanted to pee in a toilet i would have stayed home.. at least i hope i was in the men's room.. the couch and tampon dispenser seemed unnecessary..

one of my biggest pet peeves is people who are self-absorbed.. if you're smart, talk to me about stuff other than yourself, i'm smart enough to realize when someone else is smart.. if you're athletic or attractive, i can tell by looking at you.. if you're rich, i really don't care.. and i'll care less if you start telling me that you are.. be normal and let me be the judge of what qualities you have.. so annoying.. those are all great things, but what makes them a million times cooler is acting like you don't know it..

a couple posts ago, i wrote about my experience in a Target dressing room where i overhead a girl say her shirt was tight on her boobs and i acted all "stereotypical guy" about it.. after reading that, a girl said "boobs aren't that cool".. if by "aren't that cool" you mean " are the greatest things ever", then yeah, they aren't that cool.. guys would spend 24 hours in the shower or in front of the mirror if we could be a girl for a day.. we're mesmerized by them all, and keep your own.. fake boobs are just dumb.. like comedian Daniel Tosh says, "keep telling yourself you got them so your shirts would fit better, you got them because you're a whore.. you forgot because you're stupid".. exactly.. real is better 100% of the time..

Dear Guy at the Gym Who Talks on his Cell Phone While on the Treadmill: please stop it..

Dear Girl who Wore That While Running Next to me Last Thursday: please keep doing that..

i think we've filled the pregnant girl quota where i work, were all condoms recalled recently? did i miss a company picnic/orgy?

if you're on "Price Is Right" on bidders row and are not the last one to bid but still say $1, you're an idiot.. but not as big of an idiot as the guy after you who doesn't bid $2.. regardless, either one of you are going to miss the putt on Hole-In-One for the dinette set or Grandfather clock.. take your "I Love Bob" shirt or "I Love Drew" shirt or "I Love That Guy from Home Improvement" shirt or whoever the hell hosts that show now and get ready for the big wheel..


Lyrics of the Week

"Piece of You" by Tim Mahoney

Didn't work out the way it should
Like everything in my life
Stuck in a run in my own little world
Gotta break out of this
If I could just hear your voice, I swear
I would do anything
I call you up but you're not there
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

I sent you a message at 2 a.m.
I'm such an idiot
I can't believe the things I said
How did you deal with it?
I understand why you're not here
You push away, she won't stay
Sorrow steeps inside my tears
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I'm still waiting
I'll take a piece of you with me
I know I know I know

I'll take a piece of you with me


"I'm About To Come Alive" by Train

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I'm here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I've gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know

I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through
Making it ain't making it without you


"Mean To Me" by Tonic

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on its own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed

It's a place where words are spoken you will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind to speak at me
How far can it be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

Do you think that it got up and left for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fuckin' mean to me?


"She Doesn't Get It" by The Format

All the girls pose the same for pictures
All the boys got the same girls' hair
I am bored 'cause I feel much older
Look at me, as if I've got a reason to stare

But you talk so loud that it calms me down
You're crying "Let's make a toast"

She says she's leaving on a Sunday
That leaves me one more night
Can I take you home?
I know it's wrong but I know your type
She says she's leaving on a Sunday and I don't care
I need to know where to turn
I tried it once
It never caught on
I was the only one who got burned

I've read every word you're said
From a poster of a cat
Four books look across your sofa
I thought your coffee table was more clever than that

It gets worse once we get to her room as she stops and she sings"doot do do doot do do doot do"
I claim "new religion" is my song
She doesn't get it
It's all before she was born

And you lock your door
Like I've been here before
I feel like I've seen a ghost

Suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this
I fall in love far too quickly
I never want her to forget me
When you're gone
Will you call?
Will you write?

falling in love in a coffee shop..

first things first, this is the first post that will not be written in the comfort of my bedroom.. i am currently at Caribou Coffee, sucking down a large skim latte with sugar-free caramel.. be jealous..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by O.J. Simpson.. after getting away with a double murder, you might want to keep your nose clean for at least 15 years, not commit armed robbery and kidnapping.. allegedly.... hell of a running back, though..

i'm not the only one scared to death of mimes am i? you're wearing face paint, white gloves and are pretending to be in a box and you want to entertain my (unborn) kids? no thanks, i'm gonna see what Michael Jackson is up to.. he only has one glove.. and a roller coaster..

jokes about having sex with one another's mother are still all the rage for the male 18+ crowd, in case anyone was worried about that dying out..

want to improve your daily vocabulary? use "swass" in the place of "sweaty ass" and "swalls" instead of "sweaty balls" (more for guys).. i've also heard the term "gitbarsh" used to describe these conditions recently.. say that out loud and don't laugh, i dare you.. to use it in a sentence, "i have severe gitbarsh right now, my berries could use a once-over with some 409 All-Purpose Cleaner".. you're welcome..

i'll admit, i've done a lot of dumb stuff while drunk.. i have never once been ran over by a train, however, like one gentleman in Sauk Rapids, MN earlier this week.. how does this happen? trains have whistles and blow them more often than necessary, right? i don't care how drunk you are, you know trains travel on train tracks, maybe pay attention when you're by them.. when i'm drunk i laugh a lot, pee a lot and make some regretful calls and texts (should be breathalizers on cell phones, i swear.. make it happen, Obama).. i have never once walked along train tracks and failed to get out of the way of an oncoming train.. you can't make it up..

looking through pictures on my cell phone at work today, came across Open Air girl.. i miss her.. i've actually found out since that she's a bit of a slut and has a fake rack.. so she's worthless to me.. "well that was fun but you can't speak so now what?", i imagine saying to her as she's in the mirror fixing her hair.. whatever.. should have gotten a personality implant and improved something that has some importance.. i can't be the only guy who's completely bored with girls who think how they look is the most important thing, can i? take off the makeup, put on some sweatpants, let your hair get all crazy and be yourself and we'll think you're the cutest ever.. "cute and fun girl-next-door" > "lava-hot but conceited, self-involved girl" 365 1/4 days of the year..

for everyone who questions me for drinking diet soda and going to the gym instead of sitting on the couch, let me explain why i do that.. in order to attract the kind of girl that i want to be with, i feel like i should be attractive in all areas.. feel free to hang out with the girls who think the square root of 9 is "Tuesday", i'd rather spend my time getting my body in desirable "baby-making" shape for the gal who'll end up sleeping next to it every night.. now, don't get me wrong.. i'm not 100% opposed to the one-night deals as long as all parties involved realize what's going on and are cool with it.. i just prefer to know i don't have any kids in West Virginia or chlamydia.. the future gal probably prefers that as well..

just spilled coffee all over my white shirt.. i would have bet $3 million this would happen..

in my 25 years, i've figured out that girls kinda like being treated badly a little bit.. it makes them think and isn't so easy.. what fun is always getting along, right? i've learned that you have to space out and limit the sweet things so when they happen, they mean more.. and you don't get into the spot where they expect something every minute and get upset and wonder if you like them anymore if you don't.. just be yourself and if it's supposed to work out, it will.. if not, that's life and you move on.. a former roommate of mine is the nicest guy in the world and he admitted that he attracted his girlfriend of nearly 2 years by being a dick to her and that intrigued her.. i'll never forget on the way home from the bars on my 22nd birthday, i was bitching to my brother that "all girls like assholes" and he said "they don't marry the assholes, eventually they figure it out so don't change".. he's been through many breakups where he thought it was the end of the world, now he's married to the woman of his dreams and has 2 of the cutest girls on the planet.. so don't get so hung up on one person because it'll work out if it's supposed to and the person that you eventually end up with will probably blow that other person out of the water.. it's science.. besides, if it's a "bad boy" you want, i have a tattoo and my ears pierced.. i may or may not have been involved in a gang fight in the past month, you never know.. and my mom says i look "mean" in my drivers license picture.. get in line, girls..

that being said, i get jealous hearing my engaged roommate tell his fiancee that he loves her every night on the phone, having never said that or been told that.. it sounds like he enjoys saying it..

currently suffering from "swelly" (sweaty belly).. probably a direct cause-and-effect from the scalding hot coffee i dumped on it.. God i'm dumb.. and this fly by my head sounds like a small helicopter.. so that's cool..

sudden mood swing as the college-aged girl next to me leaned down to reach into her backpack and totally caught a glimpse of the white thong (white quickly becoming my favorite color).. i should say something to her.. "hi", i say in my head.. maybe i'll let this one go considering the giant brown stain on my shirt.. can't let her think i'm bad with my hands and mouth.. stupid lid..

my roommates and i are fans of wrestling each other in the living room to the point of submission.. a "Rowdy" Roddy Piper sleeper hold suddenly countered by a splash off the couch, ala "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka.. we've suffered some injuries that have required medical attention but most of them involved fighting opponents that weren't in our weight class and we deserved it.. side note on "Rowdy" Roddy Piper: as a young boy, i was never more traumatized as the night i saw him attacked on a wrestling show when these bad guys put a folding chair around his leg and stomped down on it.. i think i cried for days.. i was obsessed with wrestling growing up.. mom says when i was 2 years old, i used to ask "is wessling on?" every single night.. could i be any cuter, you ask? no i couldn't, and i have photographic evidence..

strip clubs frown upon you answering your cell phone while seated by the stage.. apparently cause you might want to take a picture of that Grand Canyon of a vagina garnished by the Playboy bunny pubic hair.. or those bullet wounds, stretch marks or needle scars.. they'll confiscate your phone and you won't get it back until you leave.. kinda like science class, except more blue balls and less note-taking..

at Buffalo Wild Wings recently and had a red-hot, racked-out boombalottie waitress with a giant rock on her finger.. hey, i have an idea: either wear the ring OR the skin-tight black pants.. not both, that's just mean.. i should have asked "boyfriend?" and when she said yes, come back with "do you want a manfriend?".. it never fails and it's kinda charming in a "creepy stalker" way.. "do you guys need anything else?".. "umm yes, some more ranch and if you could be less hot that'd be terrific, i'm trying to watch this game".. whatever, here's a generous tip that you can spend on your honeymoon and douchebag husband.. i hope you get fat.. and a divorce.. and then get skinny again and find me..


24 Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers
(in a related story, women are cool)..

1. "Take off your clothes and turn on the music."

2. Before she left for an extended trip abroad: "Don't worry. You know you own it."

3. "Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything."

4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."

5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"

6. "If I don't kiss you before the night is over, I'll consider my year a failure."

7. Written on a card that came with flowers she sent him: "This is for the great sex we're going to have tonight."

8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."

9. "If you ever discuss your girlfriend problems with another woman, you will end up sleeping with her. So . . . tell me about your girlfriend problems."

10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"

11. "You're my daddy."

12. She pointed to her eye, then made a circle with her finger and thumb, stuck her other forefinger through it, and pointed at him.

13. "I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?"

14. "Show me everything you know."

15. "I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower."

16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."

17. "I'll make your bed spin."

18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"

19. "Spank me now!"

20. "How the hell did you do that?"

21. "You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me."

22. On the freeway: "Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?"

23. "Give it to me, baby, and give them a good show."

24. "It hurts, but I love it when you do it."


Lyrics of the Week (i'm feeling generous, i know i did this last night)..

"More Than a Moment" by Tim Mahoney

When I think about the way I lied
And the eventide
Of me and you
Something tears me up inside
And I'm crucified by the truth

It's hard to say goodbye
But someday, I hope you realize

The more I see you
The more I want you
The more I need you
For more than a moment

The more I breathe you
The more my sorrow
The more I need you
For more than a moment
More

I felt the tables turn around
I've broken down
I've broken you

Without you, life is like a ghost town
It's such a let down
What can I do?

It's hard to say goodbye
But someday I hope you realize

The more I see you
The more I want you
The more I need you
For more than a moment

The more I breathe you
The more my sorrow
The more I need you
For more than a moment
More

I don't wanna let go
I don't wanna lie
I don't wanna be the star in someone elses sky
It's your sky


"Simple Life" by Tim Mahoney

She knows she could be a rock star
But she'd rather be understated
She just wants something real
Something her heart can feel
Nothing too complicated

Now I, I don't have much
But maybe it's enough

She could have anything she wants
It's understood
She could marry herself a movie star in Hollywood
And she says "I don't think I need it anymore
Cause it's you that makes me happy
So give me the simple life
Give me the simple life"

She knows she could be a super model
But she wants to be more than beauty
Yeah she could live in Rome
But Kansas feels like home
That's where she's waiting for me now

Now I, I don't have much
But maybe it's enough

She could have anything she wants
It's understood
She could marry herself a movie star in Hollywood
And she says "I don't think I need it anymore
Cause it's you that makes me happy
So give me the simple life
Give me the simple life

She knows she could be a rock star
But she'd rather be mine


"Just A Girl" by Tim Mahoney

Woke up in your empty garden
Where you watch as I lay
You have no use for me it seems
You only take what you need

She's polite like a wave in the parade
Says thank you and hello
And she'll break you up and cut you right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl

She laughs at her angels
She stands on her own
She won't lie
Look in her eyes
She'll run and hide

She's polite like a wave in the parade
She'll break you up and cut you right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that she's leading me on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl

She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that I'm still holding on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl

She's just a girl

i saw her standing there..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the guys at the mall tonight dressed in all black with pink hair, javelins in their cheeks and holes the size of quarters in their earlobes.. rough childhood, i'm guessing..

my roommate sent me a text today of the "bumper sticker of the day" which read, "drive it like you stole it", narrowly beating out "i'd rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford".. cool..

i was at Cash Wise on Sunday checking out and this boy (i'm guessing around age 2) was having a total meltdown about not being able to get candy or something.. then he turns on the charm with a "but i wuv you".. mom caved in immediately but had she not, i was prepared to buy it for him..

the Vikings played their first game of the season last night and my brother was in San Diego for work and had a meeting that started when the game did.. my job was to text him pretty much everything that was happening until he was able to watch.. one of the Vikings defensive backs got beat for a long catch and after i told him who got burned, he replied with "shoot him".. he was watching for about 3 seconds before i get a call from him that included about 37 "fucks" and the word "cunt".. one of my rules is: every time your brother uses the word "cunt" over the phone, it's blog-worthy.. our family likes sports..

there are more benefits to sex for guys than "that cool tingly sensation" and promotions at work.. Men's Health says it can also boost your immune system, cut your prostate-cancer risk, halve your risk of a fatal heart attack, ignite your fat burners and de-stress your mind.. during a passionate bout of sex, men use 143 muscles and torch as many calories as during a 15-minute jog.. with presumably less burning in the calves and a smaller risk of vomiting.. and by "passionate", i assume they mean more of the "kitchen counter/table/floor right now!" variety and less of the "can't it wait until after Conan?" kind..

since i went with the Men's Health tidbit, i feel like i should display some gender equality and share something from Cosmo.. luckily for you, i read some of both.. and that "luckily for you" is obviously not including my future wife and anyone who has to be seen in public with me.. anyway, this question was posed to 30,000 men: If you could only experience one move during intercourse for the rest of your life, it would be ___. the leader in the clubhouse at 41% is "hearing her moan".. the rest of the answers get fairly graphic and i agreed wholeheartedly with that answer so we're not going any further, other than to make fun of the 1% of guys who said "her slapping my butt".. because that's cooler than her sex noises?.. you realize you didn't just kick the game-winning field goal, right?.. figure it out..

so yesterday at work i notice i have a giant hole in the crotch of my jeans.. i assume this doesn't meet the standards of the employee dress code but the Vikings played at 6:00 last night so there was no time to stop and buy new pants.. this morning i decided i could weather one more day with the crotchless jeans if i put a couple safety pins down there, breaking my "never intentionally put anything sharp within 6 inches of your beanbag" rule.. sporting my fanciest pair of boxer/briefs in case of a wardrobe malfunction, i braved 8 hours of work with no mishaps.. stopped at Target on the way home and i can NEVER remember what size of jeans i wear.. so there i am looking like some lunatic trying to look at the size on my tag, unsuccessfully.. i ended up having to break the "man law" of "never try on clothes before purchasing".. while in the dressing room, i hear a girls voice say "this is really tight on my boobs" and wish i was in there saying Chandler's line of "uhh, i can check that for ya".. bottom line: i went into Target to buy cheap work jeans and i came out with jeans, something called "knit pants" which definitely hug my ass in all the right places, a Popeye t-shirt which says "strong to the finish" (like i'm not buying that), 4 pairs of boxer/briefs and 2 hats which are usually reserved for cab drivers or train conductors.. a half hour and $103 later, i walk out completely satisfied (insert prostitution joke here).. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot..

ignoring every ounce of common sense in my head, i ran a 5K for colon cancer research this past Saturday.. i was actually asked to do it by my twin sister who runs quite often, so i was happy to do it.. luckily nobody in our family has had colon cancer to my knowledge but it's always a good feeling knowing you contributed to a cause like that.. due to a cold the previous week and my avoidance of the gym the 2 weeks previous of that, i was not in condition to run 3.1 miles.. they had paint on the ground at the 1-mile and 2-mile marks, both of which i assumed were the finish line and that i was being Punk'd.. plus, i got passed by a man pushing a stroller, never a positive occurrence in any setting.. in any event, i never stopped to walk, which was my main goal and ended up finishing with a blistering time of 29:02 ("blistering" referring to my feet).. somewhere Usain Bolt is blushing.. training begins now for the 2012 Olympics.. assuming "napping" is added as an event by then..


Lyrics of the Week

"She's More" by Andy Griggs

I like blue eyes, hers are green
Not like the woman of my dreams
And her hair's not quite as long as I had planned
Five foot three isn't tall
She's not the girl I pictured at all
In those paint by number fantasies I've had

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She's not at all what I was looking for
She's more

No, it wasn't at first sight
But the moment I looked twice
I saw the woman I was born to love
Her laughter fills my soul
And when I hold her I don't wanna let go
When it comes to her I can't get enough

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She's not at all what I was looking for
She's more

More than I dreamed of
More than any man deserves
I couldn't ask for more
Than a love like hers

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She's not at all what I was looking for
She's more


"Rush Together" by Quietdrive

They grew up in the same old town
Never knowing the other was around
Read from the same damn books
Never gave each others looks

But one day the sun will shine, I know
For their eyes have told me so
Chasing advice from those who say I've lost my mind

Rush together to find each other
No, it's too late
You can never wait for luck
Together playing the same instrument
That you still can't hear at all

So that's how the story goes, so far
I'll tell you the rest but now I'm tired of what I think
A situation where I can't sing
But I hate the vagrant life, I know
Nothing has been more sold, til now
Living my life after those who say I've lost my mind

Rush together to find each other
No, it's too late
You can never wait for luck
Together playing the same instrument
That you still can't hear at all

So what do you say?
So what do you say?
Can we turn this clock back 13 years and relate?
I won't mind, can we stay?

But isn't it fate? But isn't it fate?
That we spilled our guts on this very day
I don't mind
I want to, I want to stay

Rush together to find each other
No, it's too late
You can never wait for luck
Together playing the same instrument

Are you listening at all?
Are you listening at all?


"For You I Will" by Teddy Geiger

Alright (Yeah)

Wandering the streets in a world underneath it all
But nothing seems to be
Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
But tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage
I want to be exposed
And not be afraid to fall

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can’t have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will, for you...

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a moon, I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room

That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do

To get through to you, yeah


"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest


"Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab For Cutie

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me

I spent two weeks in Silver lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day

All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now
No, we can't talk about it now"

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

wake me up when september ends..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy who starts saying random numbers when you're counting something important and the guy who approached me in the Cash Wise parking lot asking for $20 "for a new tire", which i think is Homeless for "1.75 of Captain"..

just to let you know, i'm putting off eating to write this.. i'm so hungry right now i could eat hot shower water.. let's hope i stay conscious throughout this, we all know my history..

women fantasize about sex 34 times during the workday, according to Men's Health.. in a related story, guys like knowing that..

a random girl at the mall today told me i have a "very approachable smile".. the lesson, as always: all women should be considered completely insane until proven otherwise.. also, i held the door open for 2 older women when i was walking in and they were walking out and one of them said "oh, there are still some left".. i'm assuming she thought gentlemen were just a myth.. you know, like the Lochness Monster and the G-spot.. mom raised me right, i guess?

i think it's cold enough tonight to wear my lounge pants to bed!! they are so comfortable, i pretty much wore them all last winter.. my roommates pretend to not like it because you can "clearly see the bulge" of my baby-making equipment in them.. which, along with the pure satisfaction of knowing i was affecting their mood negatively, gave me a distinct advantage on dart night.. plus, i didn't hesitate to wear them when they had girls over.. pretty much the opposite of wingman at that point, but if you can't close the deal because i'm wearing marble-hugging pants and singing along with the Spice Girls, either you're not trying hard enough or it wasn't meant to be.. at least that's what i always say..

since yesterday was Labor Day, i was able to take in some daytime television (not soap operas, although my roommate tried finding "Days of our Lives", diseased).. anyway, i forgot how comical "Jerry Springer" was.. dudes leaving their girlfriends for the girls aunt who has 3 chins and one eyebrow.. guys pimping their niece out for cash, leading to her pregnancy (i know, crazy, right?) and her boyfriend "unsure of the situation" but totally sure of the 80's porn 'stache he's rocking.. i like when two overweight girls get into a catfight and they separate them but then hit the boxing bell and let them go at it again.. plus, if someones shirt gets ripped off, they blur it out like they think people want to see it.. and when the guy who has more tattoos than teeth starts to speak, the crowd chants "speak English!!" at him.. bottom line, brilliant television..

watched the news last night like the 25-year-old "adult" that i am and was amused by the protesters at the Republican National Convention handcuffing themselves together and laying down on an off ramp.. why? because they're fucking lunatics.. in no way does anything they're doing influence voters to see their point of view.. you don't like a candidate? great, don't vote for them and go back to skinning teenagers in your cabin deep in the woods.. you're against the war? throw shit through store windows and light things on fire.. cause that makes sense..

why do we need to send at least one reporter from every city in the United States to stand in the middle of a Category 3 hurricane? there are mandatory evacuations, unless you have a video camera and media credentials, i guess? i think most people are aware that it's going to be pretty windy and wet just by the term "hurricane".. no need to send Stormy Winters to stand on a dock overlooking the Gulf of Mexico to get the story firsthand, meanwhile she's horizontal holding onto a sign, her microphone and the umbrella that's doing absolutely nothing.. so dumb..

how many of you would come across a pregnant tiger in a tree and think pulling it out of said tree would be a good idea? zero? good, then you're with me.. apparently a town full of morons in Africa couldn't combine to reach this conclusion and it was comically brought to me via "When Animals Attack" or one of those shows yesterday afternoon.. if i see a pregnant tiger caged up at the zoo, i'm immediately screeching like a girl scout and fleeing for the exit.. inevitably, one of them got their leg chewed on and then the tiger chased some of the other idiots around until they shot her with a tranquilizer dart.. maybe do that before you pull on her legs to get her out of the tree? but hey, i'm no expert on tigers.. i also think it's cool when someone is getting attacked by a deer or a dog and the person operating the camera is more concerned with getting the footage than helping the attacked subject, who is probably a family member or close friend.. classic..

broke the "never blog during a Twins game" rule and it proved costly once again.. we were up 4-1 when i started, ended up losing 7-5.. what the hell is going on? anyway, i apologize to all Twins fans.. totally my fault.. a little fault goes to Glen Perkins and Boof Bonser for combining to give up 19 home runs.. but mostly my fault.. sometimes i wonder if anyone on the planet is dumber than me.. if we lose the division by one game, i'll take the blame.. maybe the Lynx can take some of the focus off the Twins..

Lyrics of the Week

"Question" by The Old 97's

She woke from a dream
Her head was on fire
Why was he so nervous?

He took her to the park
She crossed her arms
And lowered her eyelids

Some day somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I've got a question for you

She'd had no idea
Started to cry
She said "in a good way"

He took her by the hand
Walked her back home
They took the long way

Some day somebody's gonna ask you
A question that you should say yes to
Once in your life
Baby, tonight I've got a question for you
I've got a question for you


"Counting To 100" by Matt Wertz

Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at findin' much except
Loneliness all by myself
Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hint maybe two
Cause I got this spot right beside me baby
Waiting here just for you

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

How much longer will this game go on
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone
Overlooked in search of someone else

So you go hide
And I'll come seek
Maybe someday in the middle
We just might meet
Cause I'm counting to a hundred
And I promise I won't peek
As you go hide
And I come seek

Please show your face
Because I want you to be it... yeah
I want you to be it


"Grand Theft Autumn" by Fall Out Boy

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

When I wake up,
I'm willing to take my chances on the hope
I forget that you hate him more than you notice
I wrote this for you (for you, so...)

You need him
I could be him
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

Someday I'll appreciate in value,
Get off my ass and call you
(But for) the meantime I'll sport my
Brand new fashion of waking up with pants on at four in the afternoon.

You need him I could be him
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.

1-2-3-4!

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

(Won't find out) He won't find out
(Won't find out) He won't find out

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.


"Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what's best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes

I want a girl with the right allocations
Who's fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's playing with her jewelry
She's putting up her hair
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass

She is fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
And at the city bank we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen

She wants a car with a cupholder arm rest
She wants a car that will get her there
She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen
She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler La Baron

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket


"Starlight" by Muse

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

breakfast at tiffany's..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by people who use "preggers" as slang for pregnant and the dude i saw golfing with cut-off jean shorts, sneakers and an ACDC t-shirt.. long afternoon..

first of all, congratulations to me for getting the rare raise today that's not the obligatory "end of the year/bonus/we're giving this to everyone/blah blah blah" kind and is the "we appreciate your flexibility and hard work/middle of the summer/you're cooler and smarter than everyone else here, especially the lady who sits in the lunchroom with her legs spread open instead of crossing them" variety.. just thought i'd throw that in, selfishly..

i think the worst feeling on earth is the feeling you get right before you get a cold.. for me it's just a scratchy throat but i always envision the next couple days will involve 105 degree fevers and bleeding from the ears..

staying on that topic, how much shit can come out of one persons head? i could blow my nose with a Brillo pad at this point and it wouldn't matter.. Paris Hilton's vagina thinks my nose has been beat up the past few days..

do you think Bert calls Ernie, and after talking for 4 hours says he's not going to hang up until Ernie hangs up and they go back and forth for a bit? of course not, they share a one-bedroom apartment.. unless one of them is away on business, of course.. but then Ernie is probably busy housing Elmo, let's face it..

a guy asked for Virginia Slims at the gas station today.. his gal got Marlboro reds.. that's funny.. match made in heaven..

there should be more whistles in water polo that mean absolutely nothing, it would make it more enjoyable to watch..

school is almost starting, can't wait to get my "Full House" Trapper Keeper and rock that in Earth Science..

you know that guy who goes to the bowling alley with his wrist guard, chalk, personalized ball and cut-off Dale Earnhardt, Jr. t-shirt and proceeds to bowl a 137? he's my favorite..

went to Mongo's today for the first time in history.. if tastebuds can have orgasms, mine had multiple.. it's so good, this exchange occurred between my roommate and i on the way out.. Me: "these covers are doing absolutely nothing right now".. Him: "if you fucking drop mine i will beat the piss out of you".. fair enough.. that same roommate told me i'm too nice and need to be a dick sometimes.. i guess that was my first lesson..

if you comment on how good a woman looks pregnant, make sure she's pregnant.. or at least a woman.. your safest bet is to act oblivious until the baby is born, then act surprised.. and don't be fooled by that "water breaking" nonsense.. that can happen to anyone..

here are some acceptable and unacceptable responses to a woman asking "do you know what today is?":

ACCEPTABLE:

"anniversary of (insert important day here.. omit the time you ran over her cat twice 'on accident')"..

"birthday" (this could be hers, your children's, her parents, Oprah's, etc.)..

"Kwanzaa"

"Boxing Day in Canada"

"Rosh Hashanah"

"Columbus Day" (side note: a couple weeks ago, a gas station cashier alerted me to the fact that Christopher Columbus raped Indians when he got here.. you know what, he found America without a map and i can't find my niece's fucking birthday party without Mapquest.. so i'll let that slide)..

"First Day of Summer" (doesn't matter if it's snowing, say it with conviction)..


UNACCEPTABLE:

"the day you start dieting?"


i'm debuting a new feature now called "Song Lyrics of the Week", since i usually post every week or so.. i'll pick some of my favorite lyrics and post them here, that way if you download music or whatever and you think you may like a song, you'll know what song it is.. i'm on a Dashboard Confessional kick right now, so here are a few of their songs..

"Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone and you're not discreet.
You make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again,
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it:"I'll love you always and forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, And sit alone and wonder, how you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out.

I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
when did your eyes Begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder...
How you're making out.
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone...Making out

Your hair it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities and taking its wear.


"Only Gift That I Need" by Dashboard Confessional

You'll be leaving for the winter, but I won't see that it's true
It's the right thing for you, but it's tough to be moved
With the holiday spirit, when to tell you the truth
I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you.

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me
Only gift that I need.

I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters and your post cards
Every single word is like a secret wish come true
Who cares if we're apart for the big days
It's the small ones made me fall in love with you (fall in love with you).

I want you here by my side
Cold nights and fires and white wine
And dreams of holidays to come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me

Only gift that I need.
Only gift that I need.


"Remember To Breathe" by Dashboard Confessional

She fixes her lips,
They always look perfect.
Never a smudge line,
Never too much.

I try on my blue shirt,
She told me she liked it... once.
She wonders what I'll wear.
She knows just what she'll wear.
She always wears blue.

So sneakers or flip-flops?
I'm starting to panic, wait wait

Remember she asked you,
Remember to breathe.
And everything will be okay.
Okay
Okay
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
Alright
(whisper)Okay.


"Shirts And Gloves" by Dashboard Confessional

When I'm back from the road
and you're out on it
And I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over, it's over-rated.
And this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance
or convincing.

Road rules apply
there's so much action,
you're getting busy.
So I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was
lonely without you
and so am I...so am I.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

So many high points on this last leg.
I can't wait to recount them
it seems like nothings happened
until I've shared them with you.
And the note that you had called
says you're half a day away
and you are heading home
just in time for me, for me to leave.

So make sure that I'm up to date on TV night,
I hate to miss out.
I think I miss you most on Wednesdays
and Saturdays.

It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

7 minutes in heaven..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy at Old Chicago last night who was bald but had a mullet and the lady at my work who watches CNN in the lunchroom and exhales loudly to express her disdain for Hillary Clinton..

alright, first of all, i'd like to apologize for the brief "vacation" i took from blogging (it looks like a little over 2 weeks).. i have a good reason, as unbelievable as that reason may be.. the "cute girl from my hometown" who i referenced in my last post was home on break from school and we took our Facebook/texting relationship and shifted it to a phone call/face-to-face thing and i had limited time to think of nonsense to write about and spend in front of the computer.. so, as far-fetched as it seems that a "blogger" can hang out with a real-life pretty girl, it's true.. and as disappointed you are in my refusal to blog instead of hang out with said Cute Hometown Girl, i'm equally happy to have done it because of her level of coolness.. (also, her eyes and smile could have melted that damn iceberg that the Titanic ran into and we could have averted that whole disaster).. so there.. but keep reading my silly crap anyway and send me several monetary donations, as it seems that Cute Hometown Girl and i combined to surpass my 1,000 texts a month limit to the tune of an extra $160 on the cell phone bill.. totally worth it.. (yes, i was bright enough to change my plan to unlimited texting, even before i got the bill.. and thanks for welcoming me to 2008)..

i would pay $3 million to shoot paint balls at the decision-makers who allowed that truck to make beeping sounds at 8 a.m. on my day off Monday morning..

i invent swear words while golfing and yell them whenever i deem necessary on the golf course..

the name and the design on the bottle is the most important thing when it comes to purchasing wine.. in the last month i have purchased wines named "Fat Bastard", "Woop Woop" and "Little Black Dress".. had a minor experience with "Little Black Dress" which i'll explain later.. spoiler alert: if you're a fan of me being conscious, you may not like the ending..

things the Olympics have taught me:

- if it's raining during a women's beach volleyball match, it should be televised on Cinemax after 11 p.m... like one gentleman in my fantasy football league put it last night, we could draw Misty May's vagina at this point, we've seen it so much..

- if you want to play women's beach volleyball in the Olympics for Belgium, you must be at least 6 months pregnant..

- if you want to run in the Olympics as a female, you must either look like a Victoria's Secret model or Andre the Giant..

- Chinese gymnasts and Dominican Republic little leaguers get their birth certificates from the same place..

- if a marathon is being run, a camera will be on the leader for the duration of the event, which is about 4 hours.. we all know a lot can happen during a 26.2 mile race on foot..

- not much is funnier than Bela Karolyi attempting to speak English on HD television.. unless you count George W. Bush attempting the same thing..

- if you're Russian or Chinese, you can coach the U.S. Gymnastics team..

- the only acceptable post-routine congratulations between Chinese teammates is the double high-five..



participated in a fantasy football auction last night for the first time (have only drafted in previous years).. a few things of note: my roommate was more drunk than any human participating in a fantasy football event in history, and that's saying something.. he taught the babies in the other room a few swear words which i'm sure their parents appreciated.. beer still tastes good with pizza.. Adrian Peterson is on my team, so you can make the championship trophy out to "Bert Loves Ernie" (my team name, catchy right?).. also on my team is something called "Alge Crumpler", if that name doesn't scream "champion"... well, it doesn't, but i have Adrian Peterson..

the best part of fantasy football drafts/auctions is the trash-talking.. of the 9 other guys participating in the league, i've never met 5 of them.. that didn't stop me from peppering them with comments like: "whoa, are you sure he's still alive?".. "will his Canadian League stats count?".. "i like my quarterbacks to throw it to his team".. "so, who'll be your running back after week 4?".. "wait, do we get points for fumbles this year?".. ahh, boys will be boys (read: immature)..

and the main event, what we've all been waiting for.. The Blackout Episode.. first of all, i'd like to preface this by saying prior to Tuesday, August 12th, 2008, i have never puked or passed out from the consumption of alcohol.. in fact, i haven't puked since i had the flu probably 15 years ago.. also, don't get used to posts which give dating play-by-play, obviously not everything is for public knowledge.. this story is different, however.. anyway, on this day, a date with Cute Hometown Girl had been planned.. so, on my way home from work i stopped at the liquor store to get some Pinot Grigio wine, which she mentioned was her favorite, so i wrote it down to find it (ladies, hold your applause.. boys, hold your boos and vulgar comments questioning my sexuality).. this was the aforementioned "Little Black Dress" wine, by the way.. after going to see "Step Brothers", which was very funny, we came back to drink wine and sit in the hot tub.. after being a gentleman and offering Cute Hometown Girl the choice of drinking her wine from a standard wine glass or a plastic "Macho Man" Randy Savage ICEE cup circa 1989, we had a couple glasses of wine while watching the Olympics then took the third out to the hot tub.. apparently, in my excitement for date night, i completely neglected to put an ounce of food in my body for the last 10 hours.. that, combined with sitting in a 102-degree tub of water, drinking 3 glasses of wine in a half hour and CHG showering me with wine-flavored kisses, i became extremely light-headed.. after getting out, i immediately knew i was in trouble but i didn't know what was happening.. like any man who drinks wine and reads Cosmo would do, i tried hustling to the bathroom to assess the situation privately and figure out why our kitchen turned into a life-size blender and our usual hardwood floors were now quicksand..

"oh my God!".. those were the next words i heard, courtesy of Cute Hometown Girl.. realizing we were both still wearing our swim gear and in the kitchen, this situation quickly fell into the "negative" column of "things that can happen on a date" list.. i had blacked out.. great, i can't even handle a couple glasses of wine in the hot tub, how is this girl still in our kitchen and not on her way home?.. i hadn't realized that i hadn't eaten much all day until CHG asked me.. luckily for me, she was as sweet as she could be about the entire situation, asking me if i was okay, making me a peanut butter sandwich and not calling me a "pussy lightweight".. as uncool as i was by blacking out from wine and not eating, she was very cool for how she handled the situation and the genuine concern she showed for me, which was a good feeling.. so in the grand scheme of things, the bad news was that i sustained a possible slight concussion for the next few days, evidenced by being extremely tired, having headaches and tingling in my left leg.. but the good news is that i found out that Cute Hometown Girl grooves on me enough to take care of me when i get my anorexia on and bounce my skull off the kitchen floor.. i'll take that trade off every time.. ya know, i bet i never would have blacked out if i had used that "Macho Man" glass.. we all make mistakes, right??

the quiet screaming..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the lady at my work who shaves her eyebrows off then draws them back on with permanent marker, and the guy who fell down the steps at the Boston Bruins hockey game i went to, tossing 2 beers on the crowd and injuring his knee..

here's the rundown of my favorite recent text exchange involving my brother and i after chatting about the Twins:

him: Alright, I gotta go to a parade..
me: Cool, I'll let your boyfriend know you won't be home for supper..
him: I'll let your niece know you're ripping her event..
me: That can't make her feel worse than finding out her dad is gay..

i think the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was invented less for homosexuals in the army and more for roommates texting you to inform you that their girlfriend had her period the night before so they couldn't have sex.. hypothetically speaking..

how does someone weigh the possible outcomes and decide that, yes, running with the bulls in Spain is a good idea? not doing it = being alive.. doing it = good chance of being stampeded to death by bulls and other drunken morons with a slight chance of having your prostate gored by a horn.. cool! or bull riders who get stuck in their rope and have the bull run around the circle and bounce their forehead off every fence post, then play hopscotch on their ribs and cheekbones.. but don't worry, that clown will help.. by whistling and waving his arms like he actually cares.. he gets his paycheck either way..

i like when people brag about doing stuff they should do:

"hey, i take care of my kids"..
"i pay my bills"..
"i haven't been to jail in like 5 years"..
"i've never cheated on my wife"..

you'll usually hear this stuff being said on day-time talk shows or "Cops".. it's fun.. one more reason why "Cops" is the one of the greatest things to happen on Earth ever..

had a solid Friday night.. i realized during my workday that all my roommates would be gone so i devised a plan to clean our house while drinking and not look like a complete soak.. so i emailed my brother to get his opinions on a few cheap wines (yes, you can insert your jokes here).. anyway, this was his response:

"There is a Shiraz called "Fat Bastard" that is really good. Actually most wines around $10 are pretty good. I'd choose a Cabernet Sauvignon or a Shiraz rather than a Merlot. Merlot is more hit or miss.. at least for me."

i don't have many rules, but one of them is "anytime a wine is named 'Fat Bastard', you have to drink it".. so i did.. and i enjoyed it.. a cute girl from my hometown who i only have corresponded with via Facebook to this point is an expert on wine, and she alerted me to the fact that white wine is more appropriate for a "fun" occasion, whereas red wine is used more for "seduction".. which makes me nervous, since "Fat Bastard" is red and i was drinking it alone and am also drinking it right now.. oh well.. a glass of wine a day keeps the doctor away.. and beer every Friday has covered my abs with an inch of fat.. make fun of me all you want, you won't be making fun of me when i let you do your laundry on my washboard abs in the near future..

Dear Servers at Restaurants, it's okay if you don't check on us 23 times in an hour-long meal.. come back a few minutes after bringing the food to make sure everything tastes okay and wasn't cooked wrong (i.e. ordered a medium-well steak and you bring out a cow that's still breathing.. that's always negative).. then come back when you see the drinks are empty, then come back with the check.. your tip will thank you..

anytime someone starts a sentence with "i'm not a racist but..", they're about to say something racist.. the same goes for "no disrespect" and "no offense", someones about to be disrespected or offended..

what's more violent, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood or the typical major league baseball "brawl"? almost every fight goes like this: the batter usually throws his helmet, legitimately pissed, and sprints towards the pitcher.. but about 15 feet away, he'll slow down to make sure his skirt isn't ruffled and his mascara isn't smudged.. meanwhile, the pitcher is sharpening his fingernails and takes off one of his heels to swing wildly.. and the rest of the players get each other in weird "this is probably gonna be on Sportscenter, let's pretend this hurts" WWF moves until the 300 pound umpires show up, needing oxygen.. ahh, America's past time..

on the list of songs that make me want a poisonous snake to chew on my eardrums and render me deaf, Craig Morgan's "International Harvester" and Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" are 1A. and 1B., respectively..

here's another list, a list of things Kevin Federline (aka, K-Fed, it's a nickname i made up, feel free to use it) sucks at: dancing, rapping, dressing himself, being sober, shaving, using birth control, fatherhood and life.. other than that, a pretty solid individual..

i'm preparing myself for hate mail with this opinion but i'm sorry girls, Tim McGraw is not a good singer.. i love some of his songs, in fact "Don't Take The Girl" was my absolute favorite song as a little guy, but compared to the majority of male singers in Nashville, he's way below average.. he's a great entertainer and has a wife who is muy caliente but he's the beneficiary of great song writing.. he's not even close vocally to guys like Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney, Brad Paisley, Gary Allan, Toby Keith, Eric Church, Blake Shelton, Chris Cagle, and the guy who sings for Rascal Flatts, just to name a few.. i like a lot of his songs but he's not a good vocalist.. the same goes for Sara Evans on the female side.. she's got a record deal because she's attractive and people write songs that fit her vocal range and are catchy.. she's also not a good vocalist.. trust me, i sing in the car and every time i'm drunk.. i'm an expert :)

don't talk to a man about politics, religion or how he should be managing his grill..

ever been to a party? great, then you'll know these guys.. guys at parties who suck (with some help from the Jim Rome radio show):

- the guy who insists on cleaning up during the party.. and he doesn't even live there.. he'll just go around asking if you're done with your drink, carrying a huge Hefty bag and annoying people..

- the guy who doesn't know anyone else there except you so he's all up in your mix the entire night.. you barely know him but he definitely knows you, so he basically handcuffs himself to you the whole time..

- the guy who's completely wasted about a half hour into the party.. he's bonging three beers at a time, taking jello shots by the handful, killing the Tippy Cup circuit.. passed out by about 9:30.. (selfish editors note: i'm currently the 3 time defending Tippy Cup champion of the world from the parties in our garage.. i actually want to make myself a championship belt to wear in public.. or at least around the house)..

- the girl who's crying in the middle of the party.. inevitably she was wronged by her douche bag boyfriend who was hitting on the drunk slut with the giant cans and wardrobe malfunction (read: ass crack showing).. so now her girlfriends are telling her that she's too good for him.. meanwhile, he drunkenly texts an apology while making out with the Ass Crack girl in the parents bedroom and everything is all good.. ahh, true love..

- the creepy guy who tries to get with every chick at the end of the night.. he was cool all night until he sees the party start to die (Dumb and Dumber: "boy this party really died".. love that).. he immediately starts cutting off chicks at the front door, working his magic but somehow using the phrase "mouth party", effectively ending that.. doesn't matter, there's another drunk girl leaving!

- the guy who wears enough cologne to kill a large moose.. one and a half sprays is plenty, it's not designed for one-time usage.. you might have a chance with the gals if they could breathe..

- the guy who gives you the statistics of how many drinks he's had.. "ohhh dude, i'm so wasted.. i've already had 6 beers, 4 jello shots, 3 jag bombs and like 2 1/2 Captain Cokes".. great, i'll take you third overall next weekend in my Fantasy Drunk Guy draft, but right now i'm doing work on this Tippy Cup game so quit talking to me..

- the guy from work who you never talk to at work but now you can't shake him.. he's like your best friend.. "hey man, we should get lunch on Monday or something".. dude, it's Friday night, what the hell are you talking about Monday for?

- the guy who drags you into the backyard to have a heart-to-heart talk.. "dude, we need to hang out more.... not being gay or anything, but... i love you man.. we seriously need to hang out more".. then he gives you a weird genitalia-to-genitalia hug..

- the girl who takes pictures constantly.. pictures are fine.. i like pictures from parties.. but we don't need to pose for 4 of the same picture.. it's a party, people are supposed to look stupid and drunk and non-coherent.. just take action pictures of the guy with the Co-ed Naked t-shirt on taking a keg stand.. and falling over.. and not getting up.. and his buddies drawing things on his face..

- the guy who's convinced there's a better party somewhere else.. "dude, this party sucks, so and so are at this party, they say it's awesome.. let's go man!!".. ummm if you haven't noticed, i'm, like, totally making out with this red-hot boombalottie that i don't know, so i'm pretty set at the moment..

-the guy who says "i'd hit that" about every girl that walks by.. we get it, you have a .23 blood alcohol level and she has a vagina so you'd have sex with her.. terrific.. take off your high school letter jacket and join the rest of us adults..


that's where i'll stop, for two reasons.. it's time for Conan to start and this wine makes me have to pee like Dave Matthews.. (the drummer to Dave Matthews is friends with my brother and his wife and sends them Christmas cards.. kinda confusing, but long story short, i'm famous)..

editors note: the Twins were beating Seattle 6-0 when i decided it was probably over and i started writing this.. it's now 11-6 Seattle, creating the "never blog during a Twins game" rule..