clothing optional..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by that guy that doesn't wear a shirt to the zoo..

what's noisier? a 747 landing on the roof of your house or the music they play in Hollister? seriously, this isn't a dance club, i just want to buy some fucking swimming trunks without risking the loss of my hearing.. so have Chad or Kellen or Amber turn down the Jimmy Eat World mix (you can't be unattractive to work there, i've noticed) and help me figure out which pair matches my rippling 6-pack and tiger-like eyes..

i've learned that listening to the Twins on the radio at work affects my mood towards my co-workers.. if they're losing or have lost, i get pissed and keep more to myself.. if they win, i'm jolly.. the same thing happens with Vikings games.. the outcome on Sunday affects my mood for at least the rest of the day and maybe a few more if it was important.. that's either called "being a fanatic" or "being an idiot"..

if your middle name is Wayne, you are obligated to murder someone..

you've passed a big hurdle in a relationship if the female asks the male pick up "girl necessities" at the store and he doesn't freak out..

girls get more offended by being left out of a wedding party than guys do, based on the little known rule that every female to have come in contact with the bride since middle school should be a bridesmaid..

i have a feeling that hitting a great shot in golf is similar to seeing the birth of your first child..

if you spray paint "your name + partner's name = true love" onto a bridge or overpass, the chance you two end up together is similar to Carrie Underwood texting me to meet her and Katrina Elam for a 2 a.m. threesome.. i'd like my odds better if i lived in Nashville.. in fact, that's the only reason it hasn't occurred yet..

Bret Michaels should worry less about finding his "soul mate" every year on "Rock of Love" and worry more about making it to his shift at T.G.I. Fridays on time..

is anything funnier than roadside sobriety tests? thankfully, i've only seen these on television, but it is always classic.. first, they need to walk heel-to-toe for 9 steps, turn around and walk back.. i think one person invented a new dance for the latest Fergie song while attempting that.. then obviously they have the "say the alphabet backwards" bit, which no sober human on earth can do in less than 2 minutes and without scratch paper.. most people make it to about 'X', then say their phone number and zip code, spell their mom's maiden name, then "C, B, A".. the greatest part is that after all this happens, they're still flabbergasted that the cop throws a set of handcuffs on them because they did only have "2 1/2 beers like six hours ago".. oh really? then why did you fall on the back of your head when you lifted one foot off the ground? high comedy..

if you want to be in the running for "president of the douche bags", buy a fitted hat, don't form the brim, leave the stickers on it and wear it sideways.. or just wear wristbands for no reason..

how bad can someones life be for them to even consider doing hardcore drugs? have you ever heard this story: "ya know, my life was terrible, i lost my job, my wife left me and she got the kids.. but then i started doing meth and everything turned around for me.. i got a great job, my wife came back to me, the kids are doing great in school..." no, you haven't heard this because IT'S NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE!!! that's why it's really hard for me to have any sympathy for anyone who's hooked on drugs, because they knew what they were getting themselves into and they were dumb enough to continue it.. save the money you spend on drugs and go to school, problem solved.. unless your life is going way too well and you need to solve that pesky "clear skin" and "too many teeth" problem you have..

i've had about enough of those people who wear their underwear while riding their bikes.. mix in some pants or something that doesn't tell me whether or not you're circumcised.. this isn't the Tour De France and you deliver pizza for a living, act like it..

here is a list of when some things are acceptable and unacceptable:

Girls kissing each other:

acceptable: always
unacceptable: never

Guys kissing each other:

acceptable: while performing life-saving mouth-to-mouth
unacceptable: any time other than that

Reasons for missing work:

acceptable: sick, death in family, hungover, golfing, big sporting event
unacceptable: still drunk, in jail, because it's Wednesday, date with a hooker, can't find pants

Places it's okay for a guy to be topless in public:

acceptable: beach, basketball court, water-balloon fight
unacceptable: work Christmas party, church, children's dance recital

Places it's okay for a girl to be topless in public:

acceptable: everywhere
unacceptable: nowhere

Things it's okay to say to another guy at the gym:

acceptable: "can you spot me?"
unacceptable: "feel my biceps, are they bigger than last time?"

Answers for the question "did you see 'Dancing With the Stars'?"

acceptable: "no"
unacceptable: "yes"

Reasons for being late:

acceptable: "the game went into overtime/extra innings"
unacceptable: "my best friend called because her and her boyfriend had a huge fight"


i could go on but it's time for my beauty rest, maybe i'll continue this topic another time.. hope this cleared things up a bit..