smile before bed, you'll sleep better..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by those guys who wear NBA jerseys and gold chains to bars..

i think the greatest phrase in the English language is "liquor-fueled lesbian rampage"..

if i didn't take care of it, i'd have the same eyebrow situation as Bert from Sesame Street.. (see: one eyebrow).. "eyebrow" should be plural at all times.. if it's not, something went horribly wrong..

to those ladies in the apartment across the street: when it's 85 degrees, it's okay to wake up and not immediately wrap your bed sheets around your head and stand on the sidewalk.. this isn't a race thing, it's a comfort/style thing.. it's just not practical..

i'm not sure what situation is worse: losing one end of the drawstring to my basketball shorts into the hole and spending a half hour trying to get it back out OR having the image of a penis sunburned onto my face..

Lance Bass is gay, if anyone missed that..

one more presidential candidate has conceded so it's down to two.. now my favorite part is going to be after the election is over, seeing bumper stickers of the losing party plastered all over cars until the summer of 2011.. i think those Kerry/Edwards supporters have finally figured it out.. that is, if we're still able to drive in 2011 without handing over our children in exchange for gas..

after seeing Julia Roberts on with David Letterman last week, she became my unusual celebrity crush.. she's so flipping cool.. if she asks about me, let her know i'm interested..

and on that note, if any girl is qualified enough to be considered "lava hot", it's Emmanuelle Chriqui who played Sloan on HBO's "Entourage".. i could love her for the next 65 years.. in fact, that would be my pick up line.. if she asks about me, let her know i've been stalking her..

in case you're wondering, i don't take steroids to be this goofy.. it's all natural..

here are some rules for married girls: 1) always wear your wedding ring 2) don't be the drunkest member of a bachelorette party 3) don't be extremely attractive 4) don't drag me onto the dance floor and compliment me for being "the only one here who knows songs by Ryan Adams".. it give me false hope that i'm going to be drunkenly making out with you later in the evening.. yes, i'm talking to you, girl in the red and white sparkly top at the bar on Saturday night.. in fact, married girls shouldn't go to bars, period.. what could go wrong? besides everything.. guys go to bars to pick up chicks.. if you're already taken, you're wasting our time.. if you must go to a bar, wear a snowmobile suit or something that makes you look like a lesbian, like an "I heart Rosie O'Donnell baggy t-shirt"..

in my 10 years of actively consuming alcohol, i've never reached the point of puking.. i just don't see the pleasure that some people seem to get in reaching that point basically every weekend.. trust me, i've drank enough to the point where i've felt pretty iffy, and even that is uncomfortable for me (ask the girl that sat beside me in Algebra my freshman year of college).. i like to have a pretty good idea as to what happened the night before and it's a hell of a lot more fun to fall asleep in my bed as opposed to next to a toilet or girl with chlamydia, i assume.. i have a ton of fun when i go out and i drink to the point where i know i've basically reached my limit.. i don't know if i have a good tolerance for it or what the deal is but i know i don't need to puke to enjoy myself.. or urinate in the family room of the home of the parents of a former roommate.. hypothetically..

my housemates and i have this running theme of giving nicknames to some of the girls who enter the house in a somewhat romantic fashion.. it's hilarious and usually not malicious.. off the top of my head, i'm going to name as many as i can along with the reasoning, and without attaching their "mate" to avoid embarrassment: Sixer (brought over a 6-pack of beer the first time she came over), Cheese (allowed one of us to fill her mouth with that cheese-in-a-can stuff), Dick Sucker (enough said), Ginger (red-headed with freckles), MySpace (was met on MySpace), MySpace II (same), Face Issues (not very pretty, to be polite), Hot Mom (had a child), Page 3 (was on page 3 of "friends" list on MySpace), CP (is an abbreviation for a somewhat X-rated phrase, not important), Wingnut (has a Wingnut Tattoos sticker on the back window of her car), Bingo (wanted to go play Bingo at a bar), Magic (was "sick", one of us asked if she had AIDS, so "Magic" refers to Magic Johnson, who has HIV).. see, how fun and non-immature is that?? i'm sure i'll hear it if i missed any but this is the best i can do on such short notice.. thanks for being a part of our lives and our silly little game, ladies..

because some of you don't know, it's okay to expect a tip if you deliver something to my house or rely on tips as a source of income (i.e. servers at restaurants, hair stylists, masseuses, etc.).. but if you take 2 minutes to pour me a cup of coffee and charge me $4 for it, don't have a "tip jar" on the damn counter because i'm already over-paying for the coffee by about $3.75.. in fact, if you need to put a "tip jar" up to remind customers to give you a tip, you won't be getting one from me.. unless you want me to inform you of a good acne prescription or tell you to take that javelin out of your earlobe.. there's my tip.. share it with your co-workers..

so i'm watching porn on Cinemax the other day (i'll explain later) and it absolutely blows my mind how bad the acting in porn is.. they should have real actors do the storyline and all the stuff that requires talent, then the plastic women and dudes with tree trunks for penises go do the stuff that requires absolutely nothing at all besides the ability to have no dignity, pride, or feeling of self-worth.. consider this actual sequence which occurred: three dumb blonde's are trying to solve the mystery of someone missing and are having trouble coming up with clues, until one of them says, "maybe if we go over to this tree it will jog our memory"... ummm great point.. i know when i'm around trees i turn into fucking Sherlock Holmes.. when i'm camping, i can remember basically everything after the point i got my umbilical cord cut.. they then proceed to make out and lick each others naughty parts, which i didn't see coming at all.. what do these women use for their breast implants, their brains? it's unbelievable.. anyway, back to the reason i was watching porn: guys like porn... actually one night we had people over and were drinking and the title of a movie caught our eye (was sexual in nature), so we decided to order Cinemax.. i seriously came across this movie on accident but i'm one of those guys who when i see three half-naked girls talking dumb, i'm either watching porn or "Girls Next Door", and i'm not quick to change the channel off either of these.. i'm a 24-year-old male, sue me..

my perfect honeymoon is going to Colorado, renting a cabin with an awesome view, hot tub and huge fireplace, learning how to snowboard and/or ski during the day, then doing all that romantic "consummating the marriage" stuff at night.. next up: winning lottery and finding girl willing to marry me.. at least the easy part is over..

i read Cosmo in the sauna today which is pretty much a weekly ritual for me at this point.. i accept all the jokes and getting made fun of by my roommates but the reality is that it's like having the other teams playbook.. i read all the stuff that women think and like and it gives me the edge on the guy who has no fucking clue, at least i like to think that.. anyway, the issue i read tonight had 99 sex facts and a few were surprising and/or interesting, which i'll share with you now:

10) The French term for pubic lice is papillons d'amour or 'butterflies of love'..... great news, i can sleep better now..

14) In ancient Athens, a cheating male was sometimes punished by having his pubic hair removed and a large radish inserted into his rectum.... suddenly that urge to cheat is no longer a problem..

16) If your guy is one of the many who fall asleep right after sex, don't take it personally. An orgasm actually activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the "rest and digest" function of the body.... so don't get offended when we don't get all cuddly afterwards.. sleeping means we're satisfied, take it as a compliment..

35) Penis length isn't nearly as important as girth. The wider his package, the better able you are to feel him against your sensitive vaginal walls. Also, the length of a flaccid penis has no direct correlation to the size of the same penis when erect... i think the kids say "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean"??

42) More Americans teens lose their virginity in June than in any other month.... my birthday is June 26Th and this is only a coincidence, i promise.. no surprising appearances on "To Catch A Predator" for me because i wanted a "birthday present" from a 13-year-old girl home alone in a mansion with cookies and punch on the counter..

76) According to a study in The Journal of Sex Research, couples report that foreplay generally lasts 11 to 13 minutes and intercourse usually lasts roughly 7 to 8 minutes.... that's like the previews lasting longer than the movie isn't it? i was surprised by the average length of the main event but i guess it's good news??

94) The Italian method: the art of putting a condom on a guy with your mouth....French kissing has nothing on this..


a final note: a special thanks to Joey on "Real World: Hollywood" for making me feel better about myself and my life.. guys should work out for two reasons: 1) to attract girls, and 2) to look better naked for said girls.. girls work out for three reasons 1) to attract guys 2) to look better naked for said guys, and 3) so their butt looks cute in all the clothes they buy... you shouldn't work out because you're absolutely incensed at the world and it's the only way you won't kill yourself.. i'll be here if you need anything else..