i smell sex and candy..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy at my gym who brushes his teeth in the shower AND guys who when asked, "are you ready?" say, "i was born ready"..

i don't know the best way to attract a girl at the gym, but i highly doubt it's by glancing non-stop at her ass while she's on the treadmill, then walking to the dressing room and imagining what your kids would look like..

earlier this year, a baseball player for the Chicago Cubs was put on the Disabled List with a "twisted testicle".. Disabled List? i'd be on my fucking death bed writing out my will.. kinda puts "turf toe" into perspective, doesn't it? i want no part of that.. not only is a twisted testicle probably #'s 1 through 4 on the "painful sports injuries" list, it's also the name of my future rock band..

if you own a shirt that says "Amateur Gynecologist", you are a "Professional Masturbater"... show me one girl that has seen that shirt on a guy and been like "wow, that's really clever, take a look at this vagina!".. never has happened, never will happen.. use that shirt to wash your car..

let me get this straight, the gas prices are rising in part because "China might raise their interest rates"?? if i knew anything about the fucking economy, i'd probably be pissed about this..

so we're going to have to start paying for our soda on flights now? can we at least get the entire can now or do we still have to share it with 3 other passengers? you can't get much soda in a shot glass with 4 giant ice cubes in it.. at least the blankets covered in other peoples hair are still free.. how much for the pack of 14 peanuts? or the paper thin pillow? or that 7-month-old kid that's evidently passing a kidney stone 3 rows behind me? i'm blaming Osama..

someone needs to explain to me how Ozzy Osbourne can be one of the most successful recording artists of all-time when he speaks like his tongue is tied in a knot..

so we had the 2ND WNBA dunk over the weekend huh? this begs the question: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, does anyone really give a fuck?

i've written before about athletes who have multiple children out of wedlock.. i can understand making a mistake once or maybe even twice.. maybe she was hot and you had a bad night, all is forgiven.. but when you get to the point that some of these guys are at with 5 or so kids with 5 or so women, don't you put on a condom the moment you walk out the door? instead of a jar filled with assorted candies by the door, have a bowl of assorted condoms.. wallet, check.. keys, check.. cell phone, check.. child support payments, check.. Trojan Her Pleasure Lubricated, check.. and buckle up on your way to court, Pops..

how come Keith Urban can sing to a girl and be considered a "sex symbol" but when i do it outside of a girls bedroom at 3:30 a.m. suddenly i'm "violating my restraining order"?? must be the Australian accent..

when those hillbillies say "Git 'R Done", what the hell do they want done? the chores? the "warsh" on the "warsh line"? the John Deere fixed? the once-a-week bath? the Nascar race taped? the 9 seconds this phrase was cool has long passed and now you're just an annoying redneck.. and don't wear hubcaps for belt buckles either.. it's tacky..

hey Obama and McCain, how about mandatory bras if you can't keep your breasts above your belly button? just thinking out loud... on a related topic, if you've placed in the top 3 in any "wet t-shirt" contest in the past 5 years, bras are strongly discouraged.. guys, don't wear Speedos or you're going to jail..

well that's it for now, i may take a few days off of writing this crap.. i'll be turning 25 later this week so i'll be busy looking for the right shade of "Hair Club for Men" hair color and reliable denture cream..