let's get out of here.. word to your mother..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by those guys who have tinted windows and put rims on their 1994 Honda Accord..

just ate at 5 Guys, Burgers and Fries.. Las Vegas has me listed as "Questionable: butt problems" for work tomorrow on their injury report.. adjust your fantasy lineups accordingly..

i think my favorite part of new relationships is pretending that you don't go to the bathroom for the first 4 months..

memo to hookers: we don't want to be talked to before the sex.. if we wanted to talk, we'd get a girlfriend.. we're not paying you to talk.. in fact, it's not required that you're able to talk.. not that i've paid for a hooker, but i wouldn't be seeking her advice on many situations.. also, people can stop complaining that video games hurt their children.. no, you not being a good parent hurts your children.. i've watched my roommate play Grand Theft Auto 4 for about 15 hours and he's picking up hookers left and right.. let me assure you that the times that he and i spend together around hookers, we're both very respectful..

i'm not sure i believe in monsters but something is in the dryer that makes me end up losing a fucking sock at least once every two weeks.. i think i'm going to start throwing away my socks every time i wear them so he doesn't get anything to eat.. maybe he'll die then..

is anything funnier than seeing someone buy something from a vending machine and it gets stuck? the answer, of course, is yes.. seeing someone buy something from a vending machine and then risking death by rocking it back and forth to get it unstuck.. i've seen people invent swear words for that situation.. it's like they've seen their favorite team lose the biggest game of the year, so much disappointment.. of course, rather than dig in their pocket for another 60 cents, they climb it and rock it or round up reinforcements to help so they can get their Doritos.. show me video of someone not reacting this way..

Coffee was invented for Monday mornings.. toilets were invented for later that morning..

i could make millions of dollars directing rap videos.. "okay, now you sing about fucking your bitches in the club, money, and your 'niggas' and we'll have these slightly overweight black women do that 'ass shake' thing in the background wearing this roll of floss and acting like they don't know where they are.. and ACTION"..

the amount of how cool a girl is is directly related to how much skin is showing..

if you have a date, wedding, graduation, press conference, party, job interview or picture for your drivers license you will get a zit the size of a grape on your head somewhere..

every attractive girl looks in the mirror and thinks they're less attractive.. every unattractive girl looks in the mirror and thinks they look like a supermodel.. we'll call this the "Law of the Double X Chromosome"..

Hanson's Greatest Hits CD would have "Mmm Bop" on it 12 times, right?

ending my workday today, excited about having a four-day weekend and heading to Duluth for the first time when i hear this exchange: guy (to another guy): "why weren't you online last night?" OMG, r u 4 real?? this sentence should never be said between anyone over the age of 17, and two guys should never plan to meet online unless it's fantasy football related.. that's the 7th Commandment if i remember correctly, it's been a while since i've been to church.. also, girls can meet online to exchange nude photos and cyber-sex: 8th Commandment..

if you work at Hooters, don't be offended when i look at your breasts or ass.. that'd be like a math teacher getting pissed because i asked her the square root of 9.. everything from the name of the restaurant to the outfits they squeeze you into should tip you off to what kind of establishment this is.. you're not wearing a dress and bringing me lobster and wine.. 85% of your skin is showing and you were hired because you're hot.. plus, i'm watching sports, you're bringing me beer and wings and wearing that outfit, you're lucky i'm not asking you to marry me.. accept my leering and the subsequent large tip you'll be receiving..

at the end of every months Men's Health magazine, they have statistics about the "average guy" where they poll guys about certain subjects.. this month was fatherhood.. anyway, i was stunned by this stat: "1 in 20: if men could choose the gender, the number who would opt for a girl".. 5% of guys want a girl?? i don't know if my opinion is swayed by the nieces i have but i would rather have a girl than a boy at this point.. i wouldn't be upset with a boy, every dad would love to have a son to play catch with, watch sports with, help fix the car and all that manly stuff.. but i love the idea of the father-daughter relationship.. it's just so cool.. plus, i've been working out lately so i could intimidate any guys she tries to date........ in 30 years......