note to professional athletes: stop being moron's (plus testicle stuff!)..

due to your several requests, this post will feature many references to my testicles.. enjoy..

the Denver Broncos released running back Travis Henry yesterday, which in itself isn't a big deal.. but this might be: Henry, 28, has 9 children.. with NINE different women!!! is this even possible? you can't possibly believe that he's so unlucky that every woman he's slept with has gotten pregnant, so how many girls has he really been with? enough that, although he signed a 5-year, $22.5 million contract last summer with $12 million in guarantees, he "can't afford" to pay child support to the seven children he's been ordered by various courts to pay for.. and either he has the worst luck with protection or he may have STD's that have yet to be discovered.. either way, i wouldn't want to be in his shoes.. and of all people to lose their job just before Fathers' Day...

in my last post, i talked about how some softball players get way too into their games and how i thought it was comical.. well last night i was asked to play with my cousins team and i agreed.. the teams in this league were the exact opposite of that.. two pitchers in consecutive games were smoking cigarettes during the game.. that's fairly nonchalant, right? that's the kind of softball i can deal with.. but i played catcher during the game, and it's hard to determine how far to sit back so you can balance not getting hit in the skull with the bat and not looking like a pussy.. i guess i'll be a pussy with all my teeth (there's an image).. i was happy to simply avoid taking a foul ball off the seeds.. successful '08 softball debut..

went to the gym tonight and sat in the sauna, which i do about once a week.. usually i'll read a girly magazine like Cosmo in there just because it's interesting to read what girls think, what they want in relationships, etc. or if they're right on guessing what goes on in guys heads (usually not).. but by this point i could probably write my own Cosmo article, have it published and no one would know the difference.. for not having a great amount of relationship experience, i feel that i'm pretty in tune to how girls like to be treated and all that nonsense.. maybe having a twin sister helped me realize that side of things.. but seriously, how many "new sex tips" can they come up with every month??.. they have to be out by now, they invent 257 every month.. ridiculous.. also, not many things in life can prepare you for the transition of coming out of the sauna with sweat pouring out of you to turning on a freezing cold shower aimed direction at your cherries.. or i guess i should say blueberries.. if that doesn't wake you up, try meth..

on the topic of meth, i'm trying to figure out which combination of friends and drugs would most likely land me on "Cops", which is one of my life goals.. it's come down to: drug dealers and crack, homeless men and paint to huff, single mothers and marijuana, NFL cheerleaders and Ecstasy, or hookers and meth.. too close to call at this point but i'll keep you updated..

if i would ever need a mystery solved, my first phone call would be to Frank and Joe Hardy of Hardy Boys fame.. these guys have solved hundreds of cases over the course of one year of high school.. that's amazing.. i guarantee that neither Dick Tracy nor Sherlock Holmes could provide that kind of resume.. plus they'll do anything.. swim through swamps with alligators, chase down werewolves, whatever you need.. and if they need help, i'd get the Boxcar children (Benny, Violet, Jessica and the old boy who may or may not be named Thomas.. shit, what is his name?? ahh who cares, i'll put Frank and Joe on the case)..

has anyone ever walked through airport security with any sort of confidence? the look on everyone's face screams "i wonder if i kept my samurai sword in these pants?".. i know if i was going to smuggle a sharp object somewhere, i'd place it snug against my testicles.. but i've gone through the security several times damn near naked and had absolutely no idea what could be beeping.. i just know one of these times i'm going to end up in one of those back rooms answering questions about the weapons i'm trying to bring on board, while applying lotion to my nipple rings..

note to those huge guys at the gym: just because you're wearing earphones while lifting that semi truck over your head doesn't mean we can't hear your grunting.. lift something smaller.. you're not impressing that hot chick on the stairmaster, you're interrupting her watching "Grey's Anatomy".. not a good first impression..

i fully believe eating ice cream while reading Men's Health is a step in the right direction.. it's the thought that counts..