Monday, December 20, 2010

Santa Claus is coming to town..

This post is being co-brought to you by the two guys at Gold's Gym who worked out wearing an "Old Beaver" t-shirt and jeans, respectively..

Okay, first of all, I feel the need to explain my prolonged absence from the blogging scene. For those of you who don't care about my health or only read this for the "humor", skip this part. As I've written in the past, I've dealt with the physical symptoms of anxiety for the past few years, and it's caused me to miss out on a lot of things that I wish I could go back and do. I never felt comfortable in certain situations, and I would avoid them if I didn't know how my body was going to react, and worrying about it only made it worse. It was a vicious cycle. My anxiety came from having terrible self-esteem and not feeling good enough/smart enough/attractive enough/etc. etc. Finally in 2006, I started getting all the physical symptoms that you hear coincide with anxiety (tingling in arms and legs, stomach/back pain, dizziness, trouble breathing, heart palpitations). With all that happening at once, it only freaks you out more because you think something is horribly wrong with you, you don't realize how powerful your brain can be. I still have bad hypochondria, where every new sensation or feeling in my body, I Google search that shit and find the worst thing possible and convince myself I have it. Plus, 85% of people with anxiety have at least mild depression; which makes sense because how can you not be depressed when you're anxious for years and don't know how to fix it? Anyway, a few months ago i decided to do something about it. I was watching TV late one Sunday night, all my roommates were asleep, and I saw an infomercial about an anxiety and depression program. A bunch of people who had went through the program did their little testimonials and said what a life-changing program it was, and with how I've felt in the past, I decided to do anything I could to change and enjoy life again.  I seriously never was relaxed; my mind was always racing, I didn't enjoy anything. The program is called Attacking Anxiety and Depression, and it's certainly not cheap. But I ordered it that night over the phone and received it shortly thereafter. It consisted of a workbook, 15 weekly session CD's and 3 miscellaneous CD's.  One was to be given to friends and family to help them understand anxiety and how to help. Now, to someone who doesn't have anxiety or has never felt the symptoms of it, you're probably just saying "why don't you just not worry about it?" or "just relax." It's just not that simple. When your brain has been telling you negative things about yourself for the past 20-some years, you begin to believe the lies that you're not good enough, and eventually it's unbearable to be in certain situations, or even just live your daily life because the symptoms are non-stop for some people. Who wants to go out with friends when their entire left arm and leg are tingling and they can't breathe? So it really bugs me when I hear people say that anxiety "isn't real" or it's "all in your head." 4 out of 10 people will deal with anxiety in their life and seek medical help for it. Several others will go un-diagnosed, or they'll treat themselves with alcohol, drugs, bad relationships, etc. It doesn't mean people with anxiety are weak, it means the chemistry in their brain has been unbalanced due to the years of negative thinking they've put themselves through and accepted from others. So for the past few months, I've been working through this program which is almost a bit like having homework on a daily basis. You're encouraged to keep a journal about your daily feelings and situations that cause you anxiety, with me I struggled with being assertive, especially at work; I'd allow myself to get walked over and end up doing work that I needed to be delegating to others, so that was big for me. Just simple things like talking to girls that I'm attracted to is something I've struggled with my entire life and i'm still not where I want that to be. I'm almost finished with the 15 weeks, and of course it doesn't end there, it will be a lifetime change, to think positively and be more confident.

Along with just the workbook and the CD's, I signed up for sessions with a "life coach" once a week for 15 weeks and it's probably the best decision I've ever made. Again, it was very expensive, but if it helps me become confident and have a better self-esteem it will be worth every penny. She calls me once a week, usually on Sunday nights and we'll go through the session for that week and discuss things I should do the coming week that will help me (make eye contact, eliminate caffeine, exercise, be assertive when you would normally not say anything, etc.) One of the biggest changes I've made for myself has been to attend church. It's a non denomination church a block away from our house that gives a positive message once a week. You grab coffee before it starts, come dressed as you are (Vikings jerseys are common) and sit there and listen to cool Christian Rock music for a half hour and then the pastor give a cool sermon with real life examples, tying things from the Bible to modern day situations. I'm not pushing it on anyone but i've always known that when I have a family, I'll want to attend church regularly, so why not start now? Through the church, I was allowed the opportunity to ring a bell for the Salvation Army for a couple hours a few weeks ago which was rewarding. It's fun to see the good side of people when it's usually the negative people that take up the most time in our brain. Several people thanked me for ringing, which I didn't expect at all, but they knew it was voluntary and that I took time to do it. Now, I still get anxious episodes but i'm confident that using these skills that I've learned through the program, I'll be able to deal with the anxiety a lot better in the near future. So that explains my absence for the past few months..

Along those same lines, people who know me know that I struggle with my self-esteem and avoid talking to girls I think are cool and pretty so I can avoid rejection. A female friend decided to take a "poll" of girls that she knew to see what they thought about me, based only on looks.  I know we should hate being judged only superficially, but my appearance is something I struggle the most with. So she had them look at two pictures of me, one where I was topless like 3 years ago and another normal one where I'm smiling (below). Here's what ensued:


"This is Dan. He has recently told me how afraid of rejection he is (I know right?). He is hesitant to ask a "hot girl" on a friendly date because of this rejection BS. Beyond the picture I have attached, these are a few things I know about him: 1. He is very laid back, 2. He is very respectful, 3. He is concerned with his appearance though he works on his physique, 4. He is not conceited, 5. He sure loves his family and it is important to him, 6. He likes to have fun, 7. He is rarely in a "bad mood" 8. He likes a variety of music but mostly find him listening to country, 9. He constantly smiles, 10. He is an easy person to get along with and talk to...there's probably a lot more, but we need answers tonight, ladies! So here's what I am asking of you, I just want you to answer this question in a few words, from what you read/see, what do you think of Dan?




Here are the results, the good, the bad and the downright nasty. I'm really sorry, I never knew how disgusting we women really are!

“mmmm”
“NICE!”
“Are you fucking serious? What’s his deal? Wonder how many skeletons are in his closet”
“Holy shit! What? Why?”
“He’s got a pretty fuckin’ nice body…does the brain match?”
“Damn…was hoping it was a nudy pic”
“Oooh the things I could and would do to that one”
“God he has a nice smile and gorgeous eyes”
“What about the butt? Seriously!”
“I’d love having that eye candy”
“Pony up cowboy”
“All I have to say is wow”
“I may be married but I’m sure not dead. If my husband looked like that, we’d never leave the house!”
“Just wondering if anyone else wonders this too. How big is his cock?”
“I’d eat him up”
“Grrrrr mmhmm”
“Can he be the shirtless bartender at the party this weekend? Oh hell, I’d even let him do it nude”
“What a wonderous land to explore”
“I shouldn’t be doing this considering I am horny and it’s been a long while….so I refuse to comment”
“I think he should just ask her on a date, she’d be a lucky girl”
“How old is he?”
“Got his number? I would love to have a good night of fucking with no strings attached”
“Hoo Ha”
“hot DAMN”

There are still a few coming in about this. I think I have opened Pandora’s box! Damn horny bitches haha Hope you realize just how ridiculous you are for being so self conscious. Not only are you a pretty face, but you are a damn sweet man from what I know."


I think girls that go off the Pill without saying anything should go to jail for life. I'm not joking either. I've heard stories about girls that "forgot" to take their pill and just assume everything was fine. Once you forget one day, it takes like a month before it's effective again (I've read a lot of Cosmo..) Personally, a girl can say she's on the pill, I'll do what I need to do protection-wise, and I'll still be rooting for her period harder than I'd root for George Lopez to get cancelled. Is sex worth all the worry? Of course it is.. But girls, don't surprise us with a "we need to talk" if you misled us.  It leads to a lot of unnecessary worry.

How many mall Santa's are sex offenders? 94%?

Saw a comedian over the weekend who I thought was hilarious, and he made a great joke and a great point at the same time. He made a few homosexual references, and then said "I'm not gay. Sometimes I wish I were gay because it pisses off stupid people and that excites me."

I'm confused as to why Gold's Gym has their handicapped parking as far away as possible. Also confused why handicapped people are going to the gym.

Here's a play-by play of my recent hockey career: a roommate and I walk into Dunham's to look at hockey skates. He's browsing those while I go check out the assorted equipment. I throw on some gloves, walk over to him, throw the gloves down and throw fists at him. Employees glance worriedly at us. I put back gloves. I grab a stick and start slap-shotting in the aisles, until the world's largest splinter pierces my hand. I scream "fuck!" louder than I probably should within the earshot of children and tell the roommate that I need to go the hospital. I show him the wound and he asks why there is a tree in my hand. When we finally get home, I spend 20 minutes with a tweezers trying to save my hand. After I apply my cartoon Band Aid, I decide I'm not nearly tough enough for hockey.

I miss playing games like "Jail House Jail Break" or "Capture the Flag" when I was a kid. We always had get-togethers at my grandparents house and all our cousins would be over and we'd play games in the dark. God, I hated hiding in the woods behind the house. Of course someone always ended up getting severely injured. I've broken a wrist and a collarbone at the hands of my cousins during these innocent games. It doesn't help that I'm a huge pussy and weaker than water, but that's besides the point.

Money means nothing to me when i'm on iTunes. I'll buy entire CD's of people I've never heard of. I need to be stopped. A month ago, I bought two CD's of something called "Skillet." Seriously, who the F is Skillet?  Also, I'll spend too much money on golf stuff, coffee and pretty girls.

I was lucky enough to be invited to a Twins playoff game this past season and it happened to be the last game played at Target Field this season. I'm always baffled at how drunk some idiots get and the chaos they cause. In the section we were in, there was an extremely drunk guy being belligerent. Near the front of our section, there were a few Yankees fans wearing NY hats and shirts, etc. So this drunk idiot felt the need to throw shit at them and yell swear words until someone in our group called him out on it and told him to act like an adult. He cleverly asked us if we were Yankees fans, despite the fact that all of us were decked out in Twins gear, and then called us pussies, blah blah blah. Finally, he left in the 8th inning by himself to a smattering of applause. I don't like the Yankees either, but these people paid just as much as we did to enjoy the game without being hit in the head with shit and verbally abused. Not only that, but I'm sure there were some young kids around who had to witness this and learn new swear words, which I'm sure their parents appreciate. It's never funny and it only ruins everyone's experience. If you take sports so seriously that it causes you to act like a toolshed, maybe it's time to re-evaluate things.

Girls look hottest in those white stretchy tank top things and cheekies from VS, if you're keeping score.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” - Bob Marley