Tuesday, July 26, 2011

body out of bed..


this post is being co-brought to you by anyone who cared that Kim Kardashian was in town, and the phrase "he's ONLY making $900,000 this season" I heard on ESPN. fuck everbody..

received a LENGTHY text about a month ago from a friend of mine, admonishing how me on how i deal with girls. i'll write it out for you (skipping parts that aren't pertinent) and then give you the backstory or my point of view..

"Girls enjoy flirting with you because you're safe. Girls like that are bad news, and I know it's cool and fun to hang out with hot girls (as friends) but at some point you have to say enough. What are you getting out of these things? Nothing. You help them with their problems, do any of them care about your life, your family, your interests? They know guys like you and me are cool, funny and nice so they do what they want to get attention. That's why I stopped hanging out with ________. She said she just likes to flirt with me but we are just friends "for now." I'm not going to wait around for a shot if it ever comes. Start doing things that are good for you even if you think you're being mean or hurting someones feelings. No one is looking out for your feelings so stop worrying about everyone elses. It's tough and it took a shitty relationship and two years afterwards for me to figure this out. I don't want you to get hurt because you're the best guy I know. But start looking out for yourself and find girls that like you for you. I'm not trying to sound like a dick, I just know how girls take advantage of guys."

yes, that was a text message. my response: he's right. i have such a strong need for being liked that i get myself in situations that aren't good for me. sometimes the girls i become friends with have boyfriends, and 900% of those girls (not a typo) have problems with their boyfriend. so i become the safe guy to talk to, and even though my grand total of zero girlfriends in 28 years says otherwise, i like to think i can give good advice. to me, it's common sense. i genuinely have no desire in "stealing" these girls from their boyfriends, i don't think that's ever cool. but i try to make them see that they deserve better. is it always the guys fault? absolutely not. girls can poke and prod and test the limits, but to me it's common sense. if you continually get in screaming contests and name-calling situations, is that really a good "relationship"? has yelling and swearing ever once made a situation better? (me during Vikings games, notwithstanding). talk about it like mature adults, and if the person that "loves" you continually makes you feel like shit and makes you cry, why put yourself through that? you can leave. on the flip side, if you really think the other person is a "bitch" or a "dick", why are you with them? it's hard convincing people that they deserve better, especially if they have self-esteem issues (your truly included, i never think i deserve the girls i crush on). but if you stay in an unhealthy relationship, eventually you do deserve it. so... i'm seeing that i become the person to balance out the negative stuff they hear by telling them positive things about themselves, and that shouldn't be my job. especially if i'm not getting any sex out of the deal.... right?


isn't the goal of dating and relationships to find the person you might want to marry someday? that's another thing that blows my mind about people staying in bad situations. people don't change. you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that "loves" you one minute but makes you cry the next? maybe i'm different than other people but that sort of "excitement" and "spontaneity" isn't for me. when i think about how i want my life to be when i find the future Mrs. Danny Bunz, i envision laughing, getting to know her personality, her morals, her family, her friends, her teaching me how to cook, me kicking her ass in "Catch Phrase", teaching her about sports if she's not into them, showing her off in public, me trying to stay in shape enough that she doesn't try to hide me in public, finding music that we both enjoy, cuddling during scary movies (guys, you can tease, but tell me that's not money), showing her the 34,592,302 pictures of me wearing Hulk Hogan pajamas when i was little, finding the birth mark on her inner thigh, inside jokes, having the car break down and opening the hood to say "yep, i know what's going on" and immediately calling my dad to see what it could be so i could impress her, people watching, waking up to see her fixing her bed hair, having her back in every situation and knowing she has mine... i could go on for paragraphs but notice how i didn't say "calling her a 'bitch', making her cry at least once a week and constantly looking for someone better?" but what do i know?


recently tore down the shower rod at the apartment while slipping in the shower. so i guess shower sex is off the table. table sex though...

so 86 people were "confirmed" dead in the Norway tragedy on Saturday, and on Monday it was 68. am i the only one confused by that?

the books on top of my bookshelf are stacked randomly, i didn't place them there in any order at all. but one stack of them caught my eye, and i realized that stack of books was basically a story of my life:


from top to bottom:

"Knights and Knaves of Autumn" (a book about the history of the Minnesota Vikings).
"Men's Health Guide to the Best Sex in the World" (because fuck yeah).
"Muscle Logic" (a book i bought one of the 83 times i was going to work out).
"Idiot's Guide to Playing the Guitar" (self-explanatory).
"Eminem: The Way I Am" (Eminem's 'autobiography').
"The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook".
"Men's Health: Power Training" (one of the other 83 times).
Three random books about golf.
"The Official Insiders Story of Wrestlemania".

with the Vikings back out of a lockout, i'm reminded of the season they had two years ago and how good it was. for you non-sports fans, you'll think i'm crazy for remembering things that happened in games that long ago, but other hardcore fans know exactly what i'm talking about. besides, if something is important to me, i remember it. remember CHG from a couple years ago? i remember what she wore on our "first date". i remember what movie we went to. i remember not eating that day, then drinking wine and sitting in the hot tub, culminating in me passing out and bouncing my head off the kitchen floor. i remember a lot of stuff for someone who likely suffered an undiagnosed concussion. anyway, during the NFC Championship Game, i had a gal over who i would eventually have sex with (not that night, i was too depressed. but she fit what i was talking about earlier where she was clueless about sports but she knew it was important to me, so she wore a tight Vikings jersey. she also knew her boobs were important to me). anyway, i'm trying to balance my emotions of my favorite sports team needing to win this game to go to their first Super Bowl in my life time, and trying to to appear too psychotic that this girls leaves and reports the authorities. you can imagine the rollercoaster of emotions after we score first, then proceed to fumble four times (twice inside the 20 yard line?) and throw an interception right before attempting the game-winning field goal in overtime. i didn't cry (unlike the loss in the 1998 NFC Championship Game) but she did let me rest my face in her boobs, which healed me until i saw Sportscenter. and to her credit, she barely made fun of me, she knew how important it was to me. which goes back to the text that i started this post off with, "does anybody care about your feelings?" she did, and that's what made her stand out at the time.


there have been 103 Twins games this year, and 103 different weather girls that tell you the forecast for tomorrow's game. and we wonder why the state has no money?

a guy that i know recently had the opportunity for a booty call and he passed it up to play video games. in his defense, they had done this previously and feelings were starting to get involved. he said it was a "bigger headache than what it was worth." to which i said, "Cosmo says sex relieves headaches".. he probably made the smart choice but as a guy, it's my job as a man to make fun of him for passing up sex.

my left foot might be slightly bigger than my right. i bought shoes that don't require tying shoestrings (or strapping velcro), just slip on dress shoes. the right foot was a little looser. according to the old wives tale, that might be why my right testicle hangs lower than the left. i think that's correct but i'm sitting at my desk at work and someone may frown upon me dropping my pants to inspect my testicles. slave-drivers.


a few weeks ago, i was sent to Chicago for work. one of the nights we were there, my coworkers and i went to a restaurant called Dicks Last Resort. evidently there are a few of them around the country, and they have a pretty cool theme. they're just rude to everyone. first of all, the "plate" you use for appetizers is a paper towel. the waiter will yell out the menu that's written on the wall, tell you what's good and what's terrible, then take your order by saying "what do you idiots want to eat?" another thing that happens here is they make paper hats, write insults on them and then put them on customers heads. a few that i can remember off the top of my head: "hairiest one at the table" (given to a female), "smokes more sausage than Jimmy Dean", "if it vibrates, i own it", "black guys only", etc. we were seated close to a table with four teenage girls, eventually three of the four had hats and the fourth one asked why she didn't get one. "because i only give hats to pretty girls." awesome. by the end of the night, our entire 22 person table had hats. i pulled off a little trickery of my own at the end of the night when the girl sitting next to me went to the bathroom and i gave her my hat ("my penis looks like a penis, only smaller") and she wore it on the way out the restaurant. i want to work there.


last month, in my attempt to show that i could probably write in the "Ask Him Anything" part of Cosmo, i answered a question. well last night in the sauna, i actually read the issue for the first time and what the actual writer had to say. i seriously had not read this at all. he made several of the same points. here is the question, and my response:

Q: "During the past few dates I've been on, I've been told that I'm "intimidating." What does it mean when a guy says that?

Me: It could mean a few things. The worst thing it could mean is that you give off an impression of being stuck up or bitchy, and that's intimidating. The best one would be that you come off as successful and intelligent, and that intimidates him. A simple way to "fix" either: ask him questions about himself - his job, does he like what he does, what would he rather do, his family, hobbies, etc. When he says something that you can relate to, say a few things about it and allow him to ask questions as well. Neither person should dominate the conversation, it should flow easily if it's going well. This way, you appear interested in him (bonus points if you actually are) and you're able to speak about the qualities you have without appearing to put yourself on a pedestal. If your being "intimidating" is an ongoing theme, however, you may need to work on your genuine personality. No one wants you "faking it."

Cosmo's answer: I'm going to be brutally honest here: It' means you're giving off a bitchy vibe." There are a few things women do on dates that could erroneously make a guy think this. For starters, she might be so eager to impress him that she'll talk up her accomplishments in a way that comes across as if she's one-upping him: the more exotic vacation she took, the busier schedule she keeps, the crazier college story she has. Or if she's nervous and clams up, men can misinterpret that as standoffishness and think she's the kind of woman who sits back and waits for the guy to wow her. To seem approachable, ask your date about himself, and done feel you always have to respond with your own story. Guys like follow-up questions. Also, at some point, tell him that you're having fun - it'll reassure him that he's on the right track.

Cosmo Tips

Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves

in the latest issue, one story is about how guys rate sex moves. i picked my favorites:

- Calling him while you're masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you're going to make later that night.

- Taking his hand and pressing it against your underwear so he can feel how turned on you are.

- Lightly licking along his jawline, ending at the supersensitive spot in front of his ears.

- Taking his tongue into your mouth and lightly sucking on it like you would his penis.

- Biting his lowe rand upper lips - hard.

- Grabbing his butt cheeks and digging in with your nails as you're going down on him

- Putting the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth, so his penis hits the underside of your tongue - making it feel like you're taking him all the way in.

- Sucking on the patch of skin between the base of his penis and his balls.

- Tugging down on his balls while you have his penis in your mouth.

- Asking him to finish on your breasts.

- Keeping his penis in your mouth after he climaxes, and continuing to suck on it lightly.

- Getting on top and telling him not to move a single muscle - you control the pacing while he sits back and watches.

- Digging your nails into his shoulders and raking them down his back when he's on top, leaving red marks.

- Leaning over the arm of the couch and asking him to enter you from behind.

- Handcuffing him to the bed without saying a word.

- Asking him to spank your butt.


Men's Health Tips

30 Secrets Every Woman Keeps from Her Man

The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them.

But there are a lot of things you don't know.

A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman's deepest secrets that don't—and never will—include you.

You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.

1. My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals—from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings—and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.)

Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even—in fact, especially—if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.

2. Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

3. When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

4. I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.

5. I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.

6. I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

7. I have Googled your exes.

8. When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.

9. My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.

10. I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.

11. I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.

12. When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.

13. When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).

14. You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

15. I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

16. I want you to talk a little dirty.

17. At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.

18. I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs—all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

19. I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.

20. I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"

21. I check out your butt every time you leave the room.

22. I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"

23. I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you—through him.

24. Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.

25. I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.

26. Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.

27. I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.

28. If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.

29. When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.

30. I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.


"Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she's seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.