paralyzed..

this post is being co-brought to you by people who bring Target carts into the mall and use it only to push their kid around, people who refuse to turn their headlights on in the fog, and the old guy i saw on my way to work this morning who slipped while taking a walk on glare ice.. i laughed when i realized he was okay..

last week i sprained an ankle while sleeping.. stepped out of bed in the morning and almost fell over in pain.. i sleep rough..

i saw "True Life: Love Triangle" on MTV last week where this dude cheated on his girlfriend, got the other girl pregnant, and now is "in love" with both girls and can't understand why both of them aren't down with it.. how does this end up on television? i don't understand the process.. do these morons contact MTV and say "hey, we have this bizarre love triangle thing going on and we're all unattractive, want to film us?".. and either this guy was the world's greatest actor, or he was genuinely flabbergasted that the girl he cheated on didn't want any part of him anymore.. i need to hang out with guys like him.. for the entertainment value..

this next story involves CHG and needs a little bit of a back story to make sense.. as you already know, she attends a Physician's Assistant school in Ohio, so seeing her wasn't possible.. she mentioned that she had a web cam, i think to talk to her parents or something while she was at school.. she eventually convinced me to get one so we could actually see each other while we chatted, considering she wasn't coming home until Christmas and considering i thought she had a well above-average looking face.. (also, thanks to the Best Buy checkout girl who said "don't do anything naughty with that" while my dad was with me, always a comfortable situation.. evidently she saw American Pie.. think Dad missed that one).. anyway, we had done the "web cam date" a few times and the weekend before Thanksgiving she said we should do that again soon, and suggested Wednesday.. since my nights solely consist of eating, thinking about going to the gym and deciding not to, and watching my roommates play PlayStation 3, Wednesday was fine.. i was getting off work early, so i suggested our "date" start at 7:30 p.m. and she agreed.. so around 7:25, i go in my bedroom and shut the door to avoid the inevitable teasing from my roommates, and sign onto the web cam site.. she's a few minutes late, so i text her to see what's up.. she says she's just signing on but in the meantime she has a joke.. "knock knock".. "who's there?".. "me :)".. and someone knocks on my bedroom door.. me being the world's dumbest human being, i think it's my roommates and totally ignore it for about 5 minutes.. finally, one of my roommates says "hey, i have to ask you something", and i open the door....... CHG is laying on our love seat, apparently exhausted from all the unanswered knocking.. she had surprised me by showing up in my living room the night before Thanksgiving.. she hadn't even told her parents she was coming home, just her brother because he had to pick her up, and a friend of hers because girls tell each other everything.. she had kept it a secret from everyone for 6 weeks that she was coming home, no small feat.. i was seriously speechless that she had done that, to the point that she thought i was mad she was there.. when you talk to someone basically every day for 4 months and they unexpectedly show up in your living room one night, it's quite a surprise, in a good way.. that will go down as legendary..

how many fucking times do you have to wash and dry new bath towels before they stop leaving those fucking fuzzy things on you after you shower?!? FUCK!!!!

last Friday night, a former roommate was in town for Christmas and stopped by with his Nintendo Wii.. so we drank a lot of alcohol and played (after stretching, of course).. when we were done with that, the topic of beer pong came up.. we tried brainstorming to come up with a place to play because it would be cold in our garage where the ping pong table is.. the living room floor wasn't an option because another roommate had to work in the morning.. the kitchen table was too short.. we finally decided to turn on the heat in the garage and tough out the 40-degree temperature.. one other problem.. no plastic cups.. one roommate offered to drive to Walmart to get some, "it's a mile away and i've only had four beers".. Wii Owner/Ex-Roommate "no, don't drive.. you'll get a DUI and we won't have enough people to play".. solid.. this led to us rummaging the kitchen cupboards to find every glass/mug/coffee cup/ICEE cup in the house.. finally finding the requisite 20 drinking apparatus' for play, we headed out into the Arctic Circle known as the garage.. when one of your rules is "you must drink if you slip and anything but your hands and feet touches the ground", you know it's a bit cold.. we found two ping pong balls resting comfortably in a liquid that was dirty water in the best-case-scenario and transmission fluid mixed with battery acid in the worst-case-scenario.. never the type of guys to delay the start of a drinking game for trivial things like "possible death by poison", we rinsed them off in the "ball wash cups" which were wine glasses for the first time in history.. an exhausting 5-game series won by the bad guys led to the obligatory pizza delivery at 2 a.m. which one of the victors missed because he was locked in the bathroom, vomiting.. we saved him some pizza.. (side note: someone who reads this and is closely linked with Wii Owner/Ex-Roommate owes me a Tippy Cup Championship Belt.. make it happen)..

our family spent Christmas at my brother's family's house.. we did the gift opening in the afternoon and the night was spent playing board games and drinking wine.. the three games we played were Catch Phrase, Apples to Apples and Loaded Questions.. i had never played Loaded Questions before but i think it was my favorite one.. the short version of how to play is this: a person rolls the dice, moves that many spaces and picks up a "loaded question" card.. then they must read the question that corresponds to the color of the space they landed on.. for example: "if you could have one magic power, what would it be?".. then the person to the right over the roller reads off all the answers, and the roller has to guess which answer belongs to which person.. hilarity ensued.. animals, countries and body parts were invented.. i answered the question of "where would be the worst place you'd find yourself tomorrow?" with "Clay Aiken's bed", much to the delight of the family.. i think Mom elected to go read "Curious George" to the grandkids about the same time i voted "Scarlett Johannson's breasts" as the "greatest invention ever" and "bra" as the "worst article of clothing someone could wear".. your baby boy has all growsed up, Mom :)

speaking of Mom, my favorite gift at Christmas wasn't something that was given to me.. it was the $130 heart-shaped necklace that Dad gave to her.. our family isn't one to say the "i love yous" so that's about as mushy as we get.. the best part? he picked it out himself.. i guess romance isn't dead..

my nieces combined to increase my desire to have my first-born be a girl.. they get cuter every time i see them.. i have some adorable nephews as well but the girls are more likely to climb up with you in the chair and snuggle, whereas the boys are running around all hopped up on the bag of Twizzlers they just crushed.. one of my nieces "tickled" me all Christmas day, and her idea of tickling is putting her hands by your neck and moving them around frantically.. and when i wouldn't laugh (because she wasn't touching me), she'd get mad.. so i had to fake laugh, then she'd laugh.. and her laugh is super adorable..

these traits are unattractive, take notes:

- smoking
- talking and caring only about yourself
- seeking attention from multiple members of the opposite sex
- complaining constantly about something in your life
- changing your personality
- dressing uber-whorish
- being obnoxiously drunk


text of the week: FWD: Scientists have discovered that ALL women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.


a few interesting (see: sexual) things from the current issue of Men's Health:

- 2 signs that as a guy, you're good at sex.. 1) After sex, she seems completely out of it. When you hit all the right spots in all the right ways, it tends to short-circuit a girl's brain and body - her voice gets thicker, her limbs go all floppy, and all the tension drains out of her face. 2) When she finally does come to her senses, she cuddles up next to you and whispers sweet things in your ear. Authentic orgasms break down a girl's defenses and makes them feel clingier than a koala bear.

- according to 2,446 women polled, here's what's most important for their men to do:

* Arouse me before sex: 82%
* Be a good kisser: 81%
* Be sexually spontaneous: 63%
* Tell me how great I was: 55%
* Let me take control: 52%
* Be up for the next round quickly: 32%
* Set the mood with lights, music: 31%

Men's Health asked 1,328 women to grade men in certain categories in 2008, and how to improve in '09.. show this to your wife or girlfriend and then let her play teacher:

In The Bedroom

Imagination: C

She may not say it, and women tell us you don't sense it: She wants both of you to be more adventurous. When we filtered our survey for unsatisfied women, two of out three complained that sex is basically the same every time. So why doesn't she say something? "Sometimes women feel trapped in dull sex lives," says sexologist Gloria Brame, Ph.D., M.P.H. Our culture can condition women to sit back and wait, Brame says, It's up to you to break through.

Playfulness: B

What does Jude Law have in The Holiday that too many men lack? Charm, wit, and a childlike playfulness. But hey, Jack Black landed Kate Winslet. Fun guys score high: 93 percent of women say playful men are hot, and 60 percent love playful sex. "It lets men and women laugh, let their guards down, and not be afraid to look ridiculous," says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., a sex researcher at Indiana University. "It makes people feel more genuine and loving toward each other." Most men scored well, but we can do better.

Use fun foreplay as a transition to more focused sex. According to Herbenick, you almost can't be too wacky: Grunt like a caveman and carry her into bed; play naked Twister; or treat sex like a workout, counting thrusts like reps. Resolve to laugh about mishaps or noises. The more relaxed she is, the easier it is for her to orgasm.


a return to the interesting things in the "read this and be really good at sex" book:

The Most Important Thing: Liking Each Other

Sorry to get all cheeseball on you, but it's true: The first step to a marriage that lasts - and to having great sex for all of it, not just the first 3 years - is liking the person you're with, says British expert Phillip Hodson, author of How Perfect Is Your Mate? "The initial honeymoon phase must end - there's nothing you can do about it." The most important factor, he says, isn't how attracted you are to one another, but how similar you are and how much you have in common. "To be happily married for a long time, you need the basis for a truly excellent friendship, or chances are that you're not going to survive."


What do women want? The want a neurotic roommate, a best friend, a charming and thoughtful date, a tender and nurturing boyfriend, and an ardent, innovative lover who provides blisteringly great sex on command. All in one guy.

German psychologists conducted a study in which they learned that people who kiss their spouses each morning live 5 years longer than those who don't. Kissers also have fewer car accidents and fewer sick days, and earn 20 to 30 percent more money.


Be the World's Best Lover

The challenge: To deliver torrid, red-hot, sultry affair-worthy sex.

How you rate:

Not good enough: You do. She doesn't. You fall asleep.

Bare minimum: You do. She does. You fall asleep.

Good boy: you do. She does twice, thanks to your magic fingers and that favorite little trick you'll learn in Chapter 8.

Bonus points: You do. She does, too many times to count - but at least once during the erotic massage, once during the tongue bath, once in each position, and then a couple times with the vibrator you surprised her with.


In a study, two-thirds of women surveyed claim they had the best sex of their lives with their husbands.


note: in Chapter 9, page 177 starts with the title "The Main Course" and includes the sentence, "Lick her as if she were an ice cream cone. With sprinkles. And hot fudge." i'll let you guess what that's about.. needless to say, it's bookmarked..


had this exchange with a friend at the bar on Saturday night:

Friend "what are you doing for New Years?"
Me "no clue"
Friend "want to go VIP at bars in the Cities?"
Me "how much does it cost?"
Friend "don't worry about it"
Me "yep"
Friend "cool, we're going to either The Drink or Sneaky Pete's"

sounds like i'll need to be dusting off the condom drawer, ties, pick-up lines and "Buns of Steel" video.. i don't have many rules in life, but one of them is "never pass up the opportunity to go VIP to something called Sneaky Pete's".. hopefully it works out and things are interesting enough to be used as a running diary on here..

i plan on finding a girl i could see joining me in an effort to produce an attractive child born illegitimately on roughly October 1st, since condoms with a June 2003 expiration date likely fall apart or start on fire upon touching a vagina.. i'll look for a girl who's dying to get out of a conversation with a 'roided out douche bag telling stories about his max in the deadlift by pretending i'm her boyfriend, then get punched in the face by said douche bag which will subsequently lead to sympathy sex, preferably with the girl i "saved" :)

when that falls through, plan B will be finding the girl who started drinking about 13 seconds after (hopefully) remembering to take the Pill with lunch.. since it's 10+ hours later, she's quickly losing her inhibitions and underwear on that bar with the pole..

and since we all know who i am, the most likely scenario is plan C: i sit around looking at hot girls, figuring they wouldn't be able to spell "dog" if i spotted them the consonants and they'd be confused by my use of big words like "career".. inevitably, someone i'm with will tell me that a girl looked at me and i won't believe them.. i have this thing where if i think a girl is worth it, i'm afraid of trying anything because i'll get shot down and embarrassed and ruin everything.. and if i think a girl wants to be with me, i figure she must not be that great.. and i'm finally starting to realize that not every girl that shows even a mild amount of interest in me has to be "the one".. i had this wine-induced chat with the brother at Christmas where i said it sucks that all my siblings always have a significant other at holidays, and every other roommate in the house has a girlfriend and that's probably part of the reason i get the itchy-relationship trigger.. he said he's learned that it's better to have no girl than the wrong one, as he's been privileged to learn a couple times.. he's been through relationships where he thought he was with the right person, it ended and he thought his life was over and he'd never find that with someone else.. now he's married and has two of the cutest daughters on earth.. even through the "wine goggles", i saw his point: that it takes a long time to figure out who's best for you.. we all know what wine does to me, luckily a hot tub wasn't present or i'd be nearing Troy Aikman's concussion record..


Lyrics of the Week

"Shattered (Turn The Car Around)" by O.A.R.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around


"I Had A Bad Day Again" by Three Doors Down

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day again"

And she swears there´s nothing wrong
I hear her playing that some old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day again"
Noooo Ohhh

And she swears there´s nothing wrong
I hear her playing that some old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day...again"

She left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day..."


"Sorry" by Buckcherry

Oh I had a lot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all of your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

This time I think I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah
Sorry!

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby.
Yeah, I'm sorry.


"Without You" by Hinder

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
Its safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you

Called you up cause’ it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine,
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
I just wanna be alone tonight,
I just wanna take a little breather.


"Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?

You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could


"Troublemaker" by Weezer

Put me in a special school,
Cuz I am such a fool,
And I don't need a single book to teach me how to read
Who needs stupid books?
They are for petty crooks,
And I will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams
So turn off the T.V.
Cuz that's what others see
And movies are as bad as eating chocolate ice-cream
They only sicken me
Don't let me play football
I'll sack the quarterback and jack the brother of the ball

I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up.

I picked up a guitar,
What does this signify?
I'm gonna play some heavy metal riffs and you will die
You wanted arts and crafts
How's this for arts and crafts?
(Electric guitar solo)
That's Right!
I'm growing out my hair
I'm moving out to Cherokee
I'm gonna be a rockstar
And you are gonna bear with me
Cuz I can't work a job
Like any other slob,
Punchin' in and punchin' out and suckin' up to Bob
Marryin' a beeyotch,
Havin' seven keeyods,
Givin' up and growin' old,
And hopin' there's a god.

I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up

I'm gonna be star
And people will crane necks
To get a glimpse of me
And see if I am having sex
And studying my moves
They try to understand
Why I am so unlike
The singers in the other bands
I'm such a mystery
As anyone can see
There isn't anybody else
Exactly quite like me
And when it's party time
Like 1999
I'll party by myself because I'm such a special guy

I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up.
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up.


"Better With You" by Five Times August

So maybe I've got a lot to learn.
Or maybe I'm just hangin' on my words.
Maybe it's not a big concern.
But, if I raise my hand will I understand why I'm better with you?

So maybe there's not a lot to say
Or maybe i've grown doin' things my way (Yeah)
Or maybe things will be okay.
But if I get it together and do something clever, I'll make it better with you

So tell me, where did I go wrong before you?
Before you came along, well it seems like i was lost.
You showed me how to do things right, now I'm, so glad that now you're mine.
So let me say it all again.

So maybe there's not a lot to do.
or maybe I'm just makin myself confused.
Or maybe i've got nothin' to lose.
But if I get out of line, just tell me you're mine, and how I'm better with you.

So tell me, where did I go wrong before you?
Before you came along, well it seems like I was lost.
You showed me how to do things right, now I'm, so glad that now you're mine.

So use me, don't let me screw it up.
I believe you oh, I need your touch.
Just a little spice of you could never be too much
I believe you oh, I need you now
to make it better all somehow.
To make it better all somehow.

So tell me, where did I go wrong before you?
Before you came along, well it seems like I was lost.
You showed me how to do things right, now I'm, so glad that now you're mine.

So use me, don't let me screw it up.
I believe you, oh, I need your touch.
Just a little spice of you could never be too much.
I believe you oh, I need you now
to make it better all somehow.
To make it better all somehow.


"Mean To Me" by Tonic

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on it's own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you
will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind
to speak at me
How far can it be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

Do you think that it got up and left
for good this time?
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fucking mean to me?
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be so mean to me?


"On Your Porch" by The Format

i was on your porch
the smoke sank into my skin
so i came inside to be with you
and we talked all night,
about everything we could imagine
cause come the morning i'll be gone
and as our eyes start to close,
i turn to you and i let you know,
that i love you

well my dad was sick
and my mom she cared for him
her love it nursed him back to life
and me i ran,
i couldnt even look at him,
for fear i'd have to say goodbye
and as i start to leave he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,

whats left to lose,
you've done enough
and if you fail well then you fail,
but not to us
cause these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

so now here i sit,
in a hotel off of sunset
my thoughts bounce off of sam's guitar
and thats the way it's been,
ever since we were kids but now,
now we've got something to prove

and i,
i can see their eyes
but tell me something,
can they see mine?

cause whats left to lose,
i've done enough
and if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot
and these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

even if it's alone

i was on your porch last night,
the smoke it sank into my skin

all i want for christmas is you..

this post is being co-brought to you by parents who talk about their kids nonstop, 30+ year-old men exchanging video game strategies at work and guys who speed up around corners when it's snowing and go in the ditch, usually in loud trucks..

here's further proof that girls mature faster than guys: last weekend i was at the bar with a group of both sexes.. on the girls side of the table, the discussion was their babies, which led to pictures of said babies being passed around.. on the guys side of the table the discussion was hunting and fishing, which led to pictures of said animals and fish being passed around.. the saddest part, you ask? i was more interested in the girls conversation..

also, this past Saturday i was at a small party where eventually the girls broke away from the guys and went into the kitchen.. that's where the beer was, so i had to invade enemy territory to reload.. their discussion was centered around recipes and what was all in some pickle dish thing.. i scoff at them, grab one of the pickle things and return to the living room where the men were.. the discussion there was drunken tales from college, highlighted by a story where one friend puked in a hamper and then crawled into bed with a guy he had met 6 hours prior, who happened to be the owner of that hamper.. boys will be boys..

my love for Christmas has no end.. it's impossible to hear Christmas music and be in a bad mood.. when i was little, our routine was to go to my grandma and grandpas house on Christmas Eve, of course listening to Christmas music the entire way, have dinner and open presents.. this is still the routine but all the other siblings have wives or boyfriends and they have other obligations, so now it's just my parents and i.. anyway, my sister and i would play this game on the ride there, where we would count houses with Christmas lights on their respective side of the car and the person with the most would win.. then we would get to grandma and grandpa's and immediately head for the Christmas tree to find our gifts and guess what is in them.. we'd have dinner, which was always amazing.. my grandma, who has since passed away, made the best dinner buns in history.. it's not even close.. then we'd open gifts, and my favorite part every year is my dad and i guessing what everyone is opening.. grandma could be holding the smallest gift ever, i'd look at my dad and he'd say "pogo stick" or "speed boat" or something ridiculous and i'd always laugh.. a 70-year-old woman getting a pogo stick.. that's comedy.. or grandpa would be opening what would turn out to be a calender, i'd look over at my dad and say, "riding lawn mower" while he's opening it.. love that.. eventually we would get home and although my room was downstairs, i'd sleep upstairs on my sisters floor so whichever one of us woke up first, we'd wake the other one up and go check out what Santa brought.. suddenly the alarm clock in my brain would wake me up around 6:30, rather than the usual 9 or 10.. i miss those Christmases..

one year, as i'm sure we've all done as kids, i decided i wanted to open up a gift a little early and that mom and dad didn't need to know about it.. i'm sure no one was home at the time, but i did my best army crawl behind the chair to find the gift i wanted to open, grabbed it, and raced down to my room.. i opened it immediately and saw it was some wrestling movie or game.. well mom eventually found out and was not impressed by my eagerness to open a gift early, even though i navigated my way through the living room with great precision.. she took it from me and said she was going to return it to the store.. this caused me great trauma because at that age, i was obsessed with wrestling.. as it turns out, that gift was back under the tree on Christmas morning, complete with the ripped wrapping paper underneath the new wrapping paper, to make sure i remembered what i did.. it ended up being a Nintendo game and that year we got a Nintendo as well.. at my age, and in my rush to not get spanked, i wasn't able to put 2 and 2 together to realize that it was a Nintendo game, which would have ruined that surprise too..

it must have taught me a lesson because to this day i am extremely generous when it comes to Christmas.. we used to buy gifts for everyone in our immediate family but since my brothers got married and had kids, that got to be a bit expensive.. now us kids and "significant others" draw names and buy them a gift in the $20-$30 range.. well the person lucky enough to be drawn by me will be receiving over $50 worth of gifts.. my mom said to me today, "i still think you got him too much" but to me, money is no object at Christmas time and i just love the feeling of making someone happy, especially family.. also, if anyone needs Christmas ideas for me, Carrie Underwood wearing lace-up fishnet cheeky hiphuggers from Victoria's Secret (i have them "favorited" on my computer, just in case if you need help), a white tank top and a Santa hat.. i've been good this year..

i know we've all been at that age where our parents are the least coolest humans on earth.. where we're afraid to be seen with them in public, we tell them to park a little further away and we'll walk to them, that sort of thing.. this is usually around the time in school when we're fighting to be friends with the "cool" kids.. this is something i will never forget.. i was in this age range (probably 10-13) and my mom and sister were going shopping, i was going to my cousins house.. my mom said she was going to buy me a winter coat and this was about the time when Starter jackets were all the rage.. so i told her that i didn't care what team it was, as long as it was a Starter jacket.. we were not the richest family around, we didn't have enough money to be spending it on name brand clothes when cheaper clothes would do.. but at this age you don't see that, you just worry about fitting in.. so after a few hours at my cousins house, i call home to see if they had gotten back from shopping.. they had, so i ask my mom what kind of jacket she had got.. it was a Philadelphia Eagles jacket.. i asked if it was Starter and she said it wasn't because she couldn't afford it.. i remember saying stuff about how everyone else's parents were so much cooler and got their kids these kind of things and her just being silent on the phone.. i hung up without saying "bye" to her.. of course, being the mama's boy that i am, i waited for what seemed like an hour but was probably about a minute before calling back to apologize, and she was crying when she answered.. i'll never ever forget that, to this day i can't handle seeing my mom cry.. also, my parents are pretty damn cool..

you should stretch before and after playing Nintendo Wii, or muscles you've never used before will be screaming at you for days..

if you're looking for an entertaining and highly comical book, read "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" by Tucker Max.. apparently he had an Internet web page where he would write stories about his college days, drinking and sex with numerous women and he put these stories in book form and it became a New York Times bestseller.. it's laugh-out-loud funny, very few books are.. one of the funnier parts:

this was a part of a story where he had sex with this girl named "Stephanie", led her to believe that he really liked her and then stopped calling:

"She called and called and called, and I ignored and ignored and ignored, until one day she decided she needed to take her anger out at me in person. I was drinking at a bar with some friends when she and her ugly friend (all hot girls have at least one ugly friend) came storming in.

Ugly friend "why haven't you been calling her back?"
Tucker "Why haven't you been losing weight? Same reason."
Stephanie "SHE IS NOT FAT!"
Tucker "That's not what you say behind her back."

Her friend wasn't actually fat - only by ridiculous South Beach model standards - but the point was to undermine Stephanie's moral support, not to be factually correct.

Ugly friend "You called me fat?"
Stephanie "NO! TUCKER, YOU ASSHOLE! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BACK?"
Tucker "I didn't want to. Let it go, and just leave."
Stephanie "FUCK YOU! I DON'T CARE ANYWAY, YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK AND YOU SUCK IN BED AND YOU CUM QUICKLY!"

Oh, Steph... I wish you hadn't done that. Granted, I was a cowardly dickhead and I should have called you, but you called me out in front of other people... now I have to destroy you.

Tucker "Well, if that's the case, then why did you search me down to scream like a lunatic about getting dumped? Shouldn't you be happy about losing me instead of embarrassing yourself in public like this?"
Stephanie "I AM NOT EMBARRASSING MYSELF"
Tucker "Then why is everyone laughing at you? You want to know why I didn't call you back? Because you are insane and whorish. When you close that revolving man-door you call a vagina, come back and we'll see if I've gotten any better in bed."
Stephanie "FUCK YOU!"
Tucker "I'm sorry that you hate yourself and that no one loves you, but it's time to end this crazy show. Take the mountain troll and leave- we are trying to meet some women who are actually dateable."

She was utterly fucking speechless. At that moment, if she shitted a dictionary you couldn't have gotten a word from her. She turned to leave; if I was a good person I would have let it go there, but that's just not me:

Tucker "Didn't go as well as you thought it would, did it? I bet some random guy is getting pussy tonight! Female insecurity: it's the gift that keeps on giving!"

The whole little crowd that had gathered were laughing, even the bartenders. I am pretty sure by the time she hit the door Stephanie was in tears. Win the crowd and you always win the argument.

Tucker: 10
Stephanie: 0"

that's only part of the story.. that one ended with her convincing Tucker that she had Chlamydia and he should get tested.. the only way to do that is to insert a metal rod into your urethra.. so he reluctantly got it done after she convinced him that she had the disease and it came back negative.. he later found out she had a friend who was a nurse and that nurse took a positive test from a patient, whited out the name, put Stephanie's name on it and sent it to Tucker, which was what finally convinced him to get tested.. another favorite part of the book that's in my head is when a girl said to him before sex, "I don't know if we should do this. I can't have another abortion"... goodbye erection..

recently receive two more books from Men's Health in the mail for a free 21-day preview.. since i haven't taken the plastic off them yet, here are some of my favorite bulletin points on the back:

- Make the most satisfying sex position of all time even better
- The time of day when your body is most sensitive to her touch
- 23 games sexy people play
- 41 exciting sex positions, including the Interlace, the Monkey, and Split the Whisker
- The truth behind the 4 most damaging sex myths
- Her 18 most powerful fantasies
- 15 sensational kissing techniques

since it's the holiday season, my work has allowed us to wear regular clothing instead of company shirts.. cool, right? wrong.. this one girl there looks like your average good looking chick in the normal, loose fitting company shirts.. in regular (read: tight) clothes, she's absolutely fucking ridiculous.. she walked by today, and someone said to me, "she's pretty hot, isn't she?".. "i don't understand the question," i replied.. "hot" isn't a good enough adjective.. it's like someone spilled lava all over her.. should be illegal to look like that at work..

text of the month: (2:30 a.m. on a weekday) "I think you're really hot"... Me "okay, who is this?".. no response.. fun..

was at Applebees tonight, overheard a group of high school girls discuss whether or not you could get pregnant in a hot tub.. they finally decided that you couldn't, probably for no other reason than one of them had already done it and was hoping to not be pregnant.. our nation's future, everyone..

lost my "drinking a 40 oz. beer while in the shower" virginity this past Friday.. pretty proud.. where's the "Cops" television crew when you need them? apparently i needed to domestically assault someone..

it snowed a hell of a lot this past weekend.. which means shoveling.. here's a running diary of the events on Saturday..

11:25 a.m.: i wake up and have to pee like Johnny Damon.. walk to bathroom, notice an odd sound.. look out the window, Roommate is shoveling the driveway.. he looks kinda cold.. i laugh and go back to my warm bed..

11:30 a.m.: guilt hits me that he's shoveling byhimself.. fuck, i guess i'll go help.. put on sweatpants, sweatshirt, hat and gloves.. it can't be that cold out..

11:31 a.m.: walk back inside to grab coat..

11:32 a.m.: Roommate says "rise and shine" to me, i think making fun of the fact that i slept til 11:30.. garage floor more slippery than usual.. nearly do the splits and tear my scrotum from my leg.. that would ruin my weekend.. Roommate "it's a little slick in there".. thanks..

11:33 a.m.: see Roommate using one shovel with another one on the ground near him
Me "how many shovels do you need?"..
Roommate "this one pushes better but that one scoops better.. that one got stuck when i was pushing and hit me in the pills the first time i used it"..
Me "nice"..

11:40 a.m.: sure am glad that snowplow came by and left that 5 foot drift at the end of the driveway.. wish Shaun White would come over with his snowboard..

11:45 a.m.: Roommate "i want a snowblower for Christmas".. Me "what are you talking about? we're doing the parking lot across the street next".. Roommate (sarcastically) "i'll meet you there"..

11:50 p.m.: notice houses on either side of ours own snowblowers.. devise plan to steal snowblower using same strategy as opening Christmas gift early..

11:55 a.m.: Me "how badly do you think (Roommate 2 and 3) want to get to the back to park in the garage?"..

11:56 a.m.: still wondering..

11:57 a.m.: start shoveling path for other roommates.. hope Santa is watching..

12:00 p.m.: Roommate "just dripping ball sweat right now"..

12:10 p.m.: Me "i can't wait until my shovel catches on something and i break my wrist"..

12:20 p.m.: we had made a pitcher of Strip and Go Naked's the night before.. Roommate informs me that when we are done we have to have some "Sex and Go Naked's".. Me "never heard of it"..

12:21 p.m.: i inform Roommate that we left the pitcher on the counter overnight, not in the refrigerator, the decidedly smarter spot.. Roommate "that's probably better, it tasted like shit last night"..

12:30 p.m.: Me "you should shovel off (roommates girlfriends) car"..
Roommate "these shovels have metal edges"..
Me "oh"..

12:40 p.m.: now i know how old people die doing this.. i'm relatively young and my back feels like i body-slammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3..

12:45 p.m.: victory beers..


Have a safe and Merry Christmas and happy New Year!! thanks for reading this trash :)


Lyrics of the Week

"Christmas Shoes" by Bob Carlisle

It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two
Not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing around like little boys do
And in his hands he held
A pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.

He counted pennies for what seem like years
And the cashier says son there's not enough here
He searched his pockets frantically
And he turned and he looked at me
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir
What am I gonna do?
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I layed the money down
I just had to help him out
And I'll never forget
The look on his face
When he said Momma's gonna look so great.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful,
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

I knew I caught a glimpse of heavens love as he thanked me and ran out.
I know that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about

Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight

I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight


"White Horse" by Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.


"Crazy About You" by Ryan Adams

trust is a weird thing
make you crazy
make you jealous
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

and i guess i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

and love is a wonderful thing
make you wanna
make you need to
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

baby i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

baby i want you
honey i need you
i know you want to
i can feel you

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you


"18 Days" by Saving Abel

Its been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't wanna have to change
If I don't then no one will
Is it my state of mind
Or is it just everything else?
I don't wanna have to be here
I don't understand it now

Cause its been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like
It feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to re-arrange
Some say its the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you..

Time after time
I've been through this
You show me what it means to live
You give me hope when I was hopeless
As my days fade to night
I remember that state of mind
I'm soaring straight into your heart
And I'll fly high

Cause it's been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like
It feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to re-arrange
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Some say it's the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you

And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this

Cause it's been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't wanna have to change
If I don't then no one will

Cause its been too many days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like
It feel like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to re-arrange
Some say it's the hardest thing to do
But that's just too many days without you

And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this..


"Piece of You" by Tim Mahoney

Didn't work out the way it should
Like everything in my life
Stuck in a rut in my own little world
Gotta break out of this
If I could just hear your voice, I swear
I would do anything
I call you up but you're not there
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard, so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

I sent you a message at 2 a.m.
I'm such an idiot
I can't believe the things I said
How did you deal with it?
I understand why you're not here
You push away, she won't stay
Sorrow steeps inside my tears
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard, so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I'm still waiting
I'll take a piece of you with me
I know, I know, I know


"Theme Song" by Tim Mahoney

You're looking at yourself in the mirror
Seems like that's all you're about
You're acting like a bitch out of water
You still haven't figured it out

And what a waste of a pretty face
I can see right through you
A little style, a little grace
It might really do you

Cause you're drop dead
But you're misled
Cause you're ugly on the inside
Cocaine
Champagne
You're just looking for a good time
In your head, in your head
You ain't doing nothing wrong
Maybe this could be your theme song

You're kinda like a bad vibration
Nobody wants you around
You're thinking you're the queen of the nightlife
you're just a drunk on the town
And what a waste of a pretty face
I can see right through you

Cause you're drop dead
But you're misled
Cause you're ugly on the inside
Cocaine
Champagne
You're just looking for a good time
In your head, in your head
You ain't doing nothing wrong
Maybe this could be your theme song
This could be your theme song


"Just A Girl" by Tim Mahoney

Woke up in your empty garden
You watch as I lay
You have no use for me it seems
You take what you need

She's polite like a wave in a parade
Says thank you and hello
But she'll break you up and cut you
Right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how she goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl
Just a girl

She laughs at her angels
She stands on her own
She won't lie
Look in her eyes
She'll run and hide

She's polite like a wave in a parade
Says thank you and hello
She'll break you up and cut you
Right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how she goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl
Just a girl

She's movin' on
That's how she goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that I'm still holdin' on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl
Just a girl

let's make this moment a crime..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy at work who had a serious discussion with another co-worker that ended with "maybe R2D2 is Spock's dad?", the foreign guy that i didn't know at the bar on Saturday who got me to ask a girl her name for him (no dice), and 16-year-olds at the mall using their ears as cigarette holders..

another guy i work with wears his sunglasses while indoors.. apparently he's from Hollywood, lived really close to a celebrity and is trying to start a trend.. which he is: people making fun of him behind his back.. on the douche scale, he's right below Ryan Seacrest..

was at Shopko on Saturday and when i was checking out, the cashier guy asked me if i had the "Shopko Reward Zone" card or whatever the hell it's called.. i said no and that i wasn't interested in it.. he says, "you do know that it's a free discount card, right?".. that's cool, you do know that you're a 35-year-old man working as a cashier at Shopko, right? which one of us has probably made the greater number of good decisions in our life?

how do old people fart without realizing it? seriously, that sound meant you either farted or stepped on a duck.. and neither should go unnoticed.. learn how to drive too, you don't need a blinker on for 13 blocks.. spread the word at the next shuffleboard tournament..

Thanksgiving is three days away.. here's what i do.. eat as much as humanly possible, lay on the couch and watch the football games until i fall asleep.. then i wake up and eat leftover pumpkin pie until i feel sick.. i imagine many people celebrate the same way.. probably in my top 10 favorite holidays..

Hollister, get some better clothes and turn down the Jonas Brothers and/or Weezer album.. every time i go in there, i leave pissed off.. and hire someone who wasn't homecoming king or queen.. American Eagle, keep up the good work, i like your style..

saw my first Salvation Army bell ringer outside Cash Wise last week.. i don't remember the last time i went past one of them without putting some coin in.. it just gets me in the Christmas spirit, they're always so cheerful, especially for sitting outside in freezing weather ringing a bell for hours without getting paid.. not enough people like that..

heard this question posed to females on the radio today: do you like when guys let you win at something? the overwhelming answer was that they didn't, going easy on them just made them feel worse.. which makes sense, it is 2008.. so don't go easy, dominate them if you can.. hopefully they'll be motivated to return the favor later.. you know, like in bed, sexually..

roommate text of the past week: "i think i just witnessed goat rape"..

with the new position at work, i was forced to take a half-hour unpaid lunch break which i don't prefer because i'd rather get out of there a half-hour earlier.. anyway, i was conversing with my mom about ways to spend this half-hour and she recommended bringing a book to read.. which would be a solid idea, if the book i was reading wasn't the "Men's Health read this and be really good at sex" book (paraphrasing).. i don't need a trip to the HR office because i'm in the lunch room reading about oral sex techniques.. instead, i've opted for Men's Health magazines so far, which can be just as R-rated but cleverly disguised in a well-respected magazine.. in a related story: i'm one of the smarter people i know..

CHG update: she loves Christmas, hot chocolate, the Vikings and Twins, kids, Target, music, "America's Funniest Home Videos", beer, wings and nachos, and when i text her while out with friends, to name a few.. bottom line: cute as ever..

in the "ridiculous comparison with a celebrity that makes me feel somewhat attractive" department, i was told i look kinda like Mark Wahlberg last week by a woman i've never met.. normally i wouldn't take it seriously and take off my shirt to prove that i'm not him, but that wasn't the first time i've been told that.. someone at a bar at least a year ago said the same thing.. the common denominator in each occurrence? i was wearing a goofy hat i bought at Target for $7.. apparently it doesn't cost a lot to make me look good.. and speaking of big heads, i guess they work well when trying to sport goofy lids and not so well for childbirth.. sorry mom..

we ended up with a naked girl in the hot tub on Friday.. how, you ask? find a girl with no self-respect, add alcohol for three hours and mix well with dancing.. Friday was the first night i met her but i had heard legendary stories before this about her asking random guys to have sex with her while walking down the street after the bar.. i didn't drink much at the bar because i was going into work on Saturday morning, so when i left around midnight i asked if anyone wanted a ride back.. a roommate, his gal, naked hot tub girl and a roommates buddy came along.. right when we get in the house, roommate brings up the hot tub and asks naked hot tub girl if she has her swimsuit, knowing full well that she didn't.. she says "no, but i'll go in naked if i have a shot".. i thought girls with that attitude were complete myths, you know, like the tooth fairy, the g-spot and "don't swim for an hour after eating".. i don't have many rules, but one is "if a girl is going in the hot tub naked, i'm going to make an effort to be in there as well" if only for the comedy factor, which was the case here.. so we get in the hot tub and she lives up to her promise by disrobing her bottom half before climbing in, which is more uncomfortable to watch than you'd think when it's a stranger and you've only had three beers, proving the "never go to a strip club sober" theory.. she finishes off beer number one and starts mouthing off about sitting on the edge of the hot tub if someone goes to get another beer for her.. with my empty beer and roommate convincing me, i braved the elements and returned.. when she offered to give out lap dances if someone turned music on, i decided to call it a night but not before turning on the radio and leaving her and roommates buddy to enjoy each other.. which lasted quite a while, judging by the time of which the beer bottle was punted across the kitchen when they came in, waking me up and scaring me shitless.. all in all, an entertaining night, to say the least..


no sex book update this time either, not enough time to read it lately.. it'll be worth the wait though, i promise..


Lyrics of the Week

"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This, oh this this is our fate
I'm yours


"Better Together" by Jack Johnson

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmmm, It's always better when we're together
Yeah we'll look at the stars and we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight,
But I know that they’ll be gone
when the morning light sings
and brings new things
for tomorrow night you see
that they’ll be gone too,
too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
i was somewhere in between
With only two,
Just me and you,
Not so many things we got to do
or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree, now,

Yeah It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

mmmmmmm

I believe in memories
they look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
There is no, no song I could sing
and there is no combination of words I could say
but I will still tell you one thing
We're better together


"Sweet Thing" by Keith Urban

When I picked you up for our first date baby
Well, your pretty blue eyes, they were drivin' me crazy
And the tiny little thought that was so amazing
is they were lookin at me.

I held open the car door for you then you climbed
inside and slid on over
To the other side.. I thought my, oh my..

Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the Cottonwood tree
It's a good thing and I'm wishin
C'mon sweet thing
Won't you climb on out of your window
while the world is sleepin
Cause you know I need you
and there's no way I'll be leavin
til we're kissing on the porch swing
oh my little sweet thing

Yeah I know I'm gonna see you first thing tomorrow
But I just couldn't wait so I had to borrow
Uncle Jake's Mustang, its his favorite car
and so I can't stay long..

Standin here feeling like a love struck Romeo
All I wanna do is hold you close and steal a little
more time, is that such a crime?

Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the Cottonwood tree
It's a good thing and I'm wishin
C'mon sweet thing
Won't you climb on out of your window
while the world is sleepin
Cause you know I need you
and there's no way I'll be leavin
til we're kissing on the porch swing
oh my little sweet thing

Sweet thing, sweet thing..

Oh my sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the Cottonwood tree
It's a good thing and tell me I'm not dreamin
C'mon sweet thing
Won't you climb on out of your window
while the world is sleepin
Cause you know I need you
and there's no way I'll be leavin
til we're kissing on the porch swing
oh my little sweet thing

oh cmon sweet thing, sweet thing, sweet thing..


"Don't" by Billy Currington

Don't you hate hearing that clock on the wall chiming
Saying its time and
Don't you just wish we could stay right here together all day long
You know it wouldn't be a crime if we crawled back into bed
Got as close as we could get
Tried to figure out where this thing is going

Baby, baby, don't,
Don't you say you re leaving
Why don't you stay a little bit longer?
Got it going on and I just cant believe it
This feeling, it just keeps getting stronger

If you gotta go, you gotta know I might go crazy
Here without you baby
Reliving every kiss, you ain't leaving me like this
It just ain't right and wait until tonight to light another flame
You know it wouldn't be the same
As the fire we got burning this morning

Baby, baby, don't
Don't you say you're leaving
Why don't you stay a little bit longer?
Got it going on and I just cant believe it
This feeling, it just keeps getting stronger

No, no one else can love me like you do
You know I ain't even close to through
Loving you...

Baby, baby, don't
Don't you say you re leaving
Why don't you stay a little bit longer?
Got it going on and I just cant believe it
This feeling, it just keeps getting stronger


"Kiss You Good Morning" by Jake Owen

I was good at the game,
when I had nothing to lose.
Then you started playing,
and changed all of the rules.
I stole my share of good hearts in the night,
then vanished before the dawn,
but for the first time in my life I know exactly what I want

I wanna kiss you good morning, let's not let this one end in
goodnight.
It's just the start of our story, and the ending is no where in sight.
I wanna hold you all night,
in the first sign of light, everyday for the rest of my life.
From now on I wanna kiss you good morning.

It's never been me
to open every door,
or leave little notes,
or spill my heart on the floor.
I wanna cross that sacred line that says now we're more than friends.
I wanna drink that lover's wine, fall asleep and then

I wanna kiss you good morning, let's not let this one end in
goodnight.
It's just the start of our story, and the ending is no where in sight.
I wanna hold you all night,
in the first sign of light, everyday for the rest of my life.
From now on I wanna kiss you good morning.

There's no better way than to start everyday
Lying next to the one you love.
So baby tonight you can close your eyes
And tomorrow when you wake up I'm gonna kiss you good morning.

I wanna hold you all night,
in the first sign of light, everyday for the rest of my life.
From now on I wanna kiss you good morning.

the girl next door..

time to take notes again guys..

Be The Imperfect Man She Wants

We women may go gaga over celebs like George Clooney and Daniel Craig who appear nothing less than perfect on-screen, but when it comes to who we wake up with day in and day out, we'll always prefer a lovably flawed human to a ridiculously slick robot. While perfection is alienating and intimidating, flaws can be sweet and endearing. To prove my point, here is a trio of so-called shortcomings that actually make us swoon:

Your tunnel vision: Only the most boring men are capable of achieving a perfectly balanced life. We appreciate the passionate way you throw yourself 100 percent into a single project and don't come up for air—or bother to shower—until it's finished.

Your sad attempts to match your socks to your tie: Men who won't leave the house unless they're impeccably dressed give off a little (OK, a lot) of that scary, American Psycho vibe. A guy in jeans and a cozy sweater is someone we can trust.

Your boyish attitude toward the female body: Worldly gentlemen may be able to appraise a pair of breasts with the detachment of an art critic, but we absolutely adore the way you drool over our twin cupcakes. We want to be devoured in bed, not coolly appreciated.

So be smart, sexy, thoughtful, and funny. But, whatever you do, please don't be perfect.

xo,
Nicole Beland
The Men's Health Girl Next Door

it's been a while..

this post is being co-brought to you by Brad Pitt the "actor" and the guy standing over the pile after a fumble frantically pointing his teams direction as if he has any clue who has the ball..

first i should probably give a reason for my prolonged absence.. i took a new position at work which actually forces me to pay attention and be productive on a daily basis, so i can't just sit there and think of silly things to write about anymore.. i've actually used the phrase "i'd like to see (this) happen" and have people take me seriously for the first time so it's certainly better for my "career" but the blogs may come less frequent, and i apologize for that.. also, i've had a few more people tell me recently that they read this and enjoy it, so thanks for that and i'll try to be entertaining..

a memo to all potential politicians: if your campaign ads do nothing but bash your opponent, i won't be voting for you.. i'll either vote for your opponent or not vote at all.. tell me what you're going to do, not "my opponent is a terrorist, cheats on his wife, abuses his pets and tells children that Santa Claus isn't real".. also, unless someone asks your opinion on a certain candidate, keep it to yourself.. if i like Candidate A and you like Candidate B, you're not going to sway my decision, you're just going to piss me off.. i don't care that you like a different candidate and i'm not going to try to convince you, that's not my job.. i can't wait for the 2012 campaigns, they should be starting in about a month, right? i think Governor Palin owes us a Playboy spread too, by the way..

all beverage cart girls at golf courses are lava hot.. if you're golfing and your beverage cart girl isn't hot, you're at the wrong place..

i could give you 100 guesses and you probably wouldn't guess the one city in America that i'd like to visit most.. it's not Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Miamo or any of those popular choices.. i'd choose Nashville.. my brother has traveled there several times and says there are several small bars right in a row that not only have great food, but also aspiring country musicians trying to get noticed by record companies playing every night.. i think it would be super cool to walk from bar to bar getting to hear these people play, they're obviously talented, they just need a break and then they'll be dating Carrie Underwood.. then i'll secretly hate them, but at least i could say i saw them play before they were famous.. runner ups: anywhere in the Colorado mountains, Seattle, New York, Chicago, San Francisco and San Diego (my brother just called me from San Diego, by the way.. i told him i hated him)..

one roommate puked in another roommates car this past weekend.. since it wasn't my car, that never gets old..

i heard that some females didn't dress slutty for Halloween.. i'm pretty sure that's against the law.. at the very least, you're offending the inventor of the holiday.. make up for it at Thanksgiving dinner..

our family picks names out of a hat for Christmas so we don't end up spending a million dollars on presents, so we just buy for one other person.. we did that yesterday when we got home from deer hunting.. pretty embarrassing when my mom tells my brothers that they're picking for their wives first, then tells my sister that she's picking for her boyfriend first, then tells me to pick for myself.. "wait, shouldn't my imaginary girlfriend be picking now?".. they thought it was funny..

had lunch today at Panera Bread with my mom and sister.. the caramel latte is phenomenal.. afterwards they were going to Target so my mom could finish her Christmas shopping (yes, it's November 10th).. anyway, i had no intention of going with but it's Target, what's the worse that could happen? bad decision.. a money clip, a pair of shoes and a Johnny Cash CD later, i've spent $64.. it's actually impossible for me to go in there and not buy anything.. i'll either buy one of those vintage T-shirts or silly hats in the back or find something i have absolutely no need for but i can't pass it up.. "$19 for this lamp? they might as well be giving them away".. i actually had to put things back on the shelf that my mom made "Christmas ideas" for my grandpa.. they also had the world's most unbelievably cute baby shoes and Christmas music going already, the first store i heard doing so this year.. reasons #1,672 and 1,673 why Target is the coolest..

if a girl sees a hot girl that they don't know, they automatically hate them.. it's science..


went deer hunting this weekend up north with a group of 16 guys (including me).. here are some highlights:

- went to my parents house on Wednesday night because we were leaving at 6:00 the following morning.. joined forces with my two brothers to try to get the DVD/VCR player to work.. spent a half hour on that because we skipped step #1 of the directions.. typical men.. get home on Sunday to realize we were missing 2 necessary cords.. time well spent.. the fact that i'm the youngest of the 3 boys, i'm forced to sleep on the couch while my brothers get beds.. i tell them i hate them when they go to bed..

- the drive up always consists of stories from my brothers childhood which makes me think less of them, as well as introducing each other to new music that we like.. then i take a nap until we stop for breakfast and see toilets for the last time in 3 days..

- setting up camp in the pouring rain.. absolutely miserable.. we stay in 2 large army tents, one for the old guys and one for the young guys.. it takes roughly 3 to 4 hours to get those set up and cut down trees for firewood.. i nearly took off my feet swinging an ax to split wood.. then i wished i was at home reading Cosmo in my sweatpants..

- hunting doesn't officially begin until Saturday morning at sunrise, so Thursday night we're free to drink as much as we want without worrying about waking up early.. in past years this has led to people waking up to urinate but not quite making it outside and peeing near another person.. that always makes for a fun story the rest of the weekend.. Fortunately, that didn't happen this year.. for some reason this year was more tame than past years.. i blame President Bush..

- quote of the weekend: "her vagina was disgusting"..

- product i couldn't live without of the weekend: earplugs.. i think 6 of the 16 guys up there did not snore.. i don't know how these other 10 guys have convinced women to marry them and share a bed.. they must be deaf..

- discussing salaries of professional football players, we came to a consensus that Tom Brady is the highest paid football player.. since he's injured for the rest of the year, i made the sarcastic comment that now he "is forced to hang out with his supermodel girlfriend all the time", to which my brother responded, "she's fat, i don't like her personality".. pure comedy.. Brady is dating Gisele Bundchen, who is not fat.. that's where the joke is..

- devoured roughly 139 doughnuts in a 3-day span, along with chili, a fish fry, baked potatoes, vegetables and roast beef.. probably gained 12 pounds, rendering the last 3 months of cardio useless..

- hot seats are pointless.. the one i sat on while hunting all weekend felt more like a block of ice.. first, they make the outside plastic, and we all know how warm plastic gets in 15-degree weather.. meanwhile my churchbells are clanging together while spending 4 consecutive hours looking at trees waiting for Bambi's dad to walk out.. dumbest invention ever.. i hope Barack moves deer hunting to mid-August..

- if you didn't know, if you're gutting a deer you "should start at the asshole".. (insert your "i like to end there" jokes now)..

- i think this was the first year i correctly decided to not try chewing tobacco while drunk.. i made the opposite decision in the past and really regretted it.. i don't get the appeal, i guess.. i think i'm one of four guys there that didn't use tobacco during the weekend.. at least 4 of 5 dentists recommend that..

- first snowfall of the year.. pretty romantic, except for the other 15 men i spent the weekend with..

- listened to the Vikings game on the way home for the 4th straight year.. and for the 2nd straight year, Adrian Peterson had his best game of the year and the Vikings won.. always makes the 4-hour ride a little more bearable.. also on the ride home, i have to train myself not to swear every other word.. that's acceptable around 15 other men, not really when i walk into mom's house or at work..

- after getting home, sprint to the shower to give the ol' giggleberries a once-over with some body wash for the first time since Wednesday night.. best 15 minutes of my life.. well, it's in the top 10.. also realize that my facial hair is a train wreck at this point, so i admired that for a good 5 minutes..


Top 10 Muscles Women Love according to Men's Health

1. 6-Pack Abs
You could have biceps the size of bowling balls, but if you've got the beginnings of a gut, any discriminating woman will think twice before considering you boyfriend material. Their fear: A little excess midriff meat now means one fat, sloppy bastard in 10 years.

2. Powerful Forearms
Women see strong forearms and think you can do everything: Fend off a mugger, build a house, and maintain a dexterous touch long enough to leave them extremely satisfied. So roll up those sleeves, and let 'em have a look.

3. A Nice Butt
Women check out your butt because it's a clue to your worthiness as a physical specimen. If you're in great shape, it carries high. Otherwise, your rear end droops like a sack of old potatoes.

4. A Broad Back
A wide back is essential for a V-shaped torso, and women's attraction to it is ancestral. "When it was important that our mates protect us from woolly mammoths on the plains, we looked for a gene pool that could provide us with protection," says Pega Ren, Ed.D., a sexologist in British Columbia.

5. Sculpted Shoulders
"The shoulder muscles are really the muscles of love and war," says Nancy Etcoff, Ph.D., author of Survival of the Prettiest. They also make the whole look when combined with a broad back. Strong shoulders literally sweep women off their feet.

6. Rock-Hard Calves
"Women want an overall sense of strength and fitness," says Etcoff. "If a man looks as if he can lift something but can't run, it looks disproportionate."

7. The Money Line
We're not convinced that's its official name, but here's how our female friends describe it: "The muscle that runs diagonally from hip to crotch," "The muscle that sticks out near the hips—yummy!" and "Lower abs, near his package."

8. A Big Chest
"Women treasure your chest as much as you do theirs," says Emily Dubberley, a sex expert based in the UK. "Touching, kissing, and licking a man's chest is undoubtedly a turn-on for most women."

9. Large Biceps
In a poll of Cosmopolitan readers, 1 out of 5 women confessed that nice biceps on a man makes them "absolutely melt."

10. Strong Hamstrings
Many women prefer being on top because it lets them lean forward to rub against your pubic bone. Having well-conditioned hamstrings and glutes makes it easier to meet her halfway for more pleasure.


Since chapter 5 in the "read this and be really good at sex" book was basically recipes of romantic meals, we'll have to skip that segment this post.. looks like chapter 6 is the longest chapter in the history of books, so look forward to that..


Lyrics of the Week

"Fearless" by Taylor Swift

There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
‘Til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger’s seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture every memory

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
my hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless


"I'd Lie" by Taylor Swift

I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long
And he sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishin' he was mine

I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie

He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you
But he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle

Yes, I could tell you
His favorite color's green
And he loves to argue
Oh, and it kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie


"I Miss You" by Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.


"I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend


"I Wanna Be Your Everything" by Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I had never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'll cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'll be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything


"The Season" by Quietdrive

I’m feeling mixed up.
A little bit confused
About the time I hit it up again.
I’m feeling left out.
A little bit concerned about
The space between last night and Monday.

But I’m still afraid
That you haven’t
Changed
(Given me a reason)
(To pull off your t-shirt)
But I’m still okay,
And I don’t know why
(Tell me your secret)
(I won’t tell your boyfriend now)
When you say that

You’re mixing me up now
You’re pulling my teeth out
You’re wishing my argument away
I’ll follow directions
I’ll stick to your reasons
This isn’t the season to go running away
Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh.

I’ll leave you untouched.
I never once said
I would be the one to tie you down forever.
I haven’t missed you much.
I never once said
I would be the one to lose this love forever.

But I’m still afraid
That you haven’t
Changed
(Given me a reason)
(To pull off your t-shirt)
But I’m still okay,
And I don’t know why
(Tell me your secret)
(I won’t tell your boyfriend, now)
When you say that you don’t need me to feel

You don’t understand
You don’t
You don’t understand
You don’t
( I can’t tell you how to feel)
You don’t understand
(When I’m on the outside)
You don’t
(And you are in)
You don’t understand

suck my kiss..

this post is being co-brought to you by guys who shave their legs and girls who don't..

the topic of blind dates was brought up on the radio today when i was listening, and one guy in his late 20's was arguing about how it shouldn't be considered "shallow" to ask for a picture of the girl, or vice versa.. i completely agree.. for one thing, if you're in a bar or wherever, you're not going to approach someone who you're not somewhat attracted to, so why would you sit through a blind date with someone you're not initially attracted to?.. i've always been of the opinion that there has to be some physical attraction for it to have any chance of working.. sure, a good personality can make an average-looking person become above-average, just as a poor personality can make a good-looking person become average.. a woman who was on the radio show as well discussed how she totally believes in soulmates and fate and all that, and how meeting a person can't be explained, you just know you were supposed to.. so, although the guy was skeptical of blind dates, she encouraged him to go on them because he might find that person he's supposed to be with.. bottom line: blind dates are fine if that's what you want but it's not shallow to want to know what the person looks like.. although it's not the most important thing, it's naive to think that they don't matter at all..

also brought up was the debate between Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood.. here's my opinion: Jessica probably has a very, very slight edge in the looks category but if i had the choice of dating one of them i'd pick Carrie, and i have my reasons.. Carrie is a country girl and i imagine her walking around in one of those button-down white shirts tied at the waist, a jean skirt and a cowboy hat, purring with her southern accent that's one of the hottest things ever.. Carrie also seems more low-maintenance, which is huge.. also, it seems like Jessica is a bit shaky when it comes to the whole "speaking" and "making sense" portions of the competition.. then again, she'd probably be too dumb to ever leave me.. this was just hypothetical, by the way..

i like those contests that take place at the halftime of football games that give one lucky fan the chance to win money by doing something impossible.. they'll introduce some 290-pound guy who's going to attempt to kick a 40-yard field goal for $100 million.. meanwhile, he had to have his wife help him get into his football pants.. but to help his chances, they have some guy who was a backup kicker at Northeastern Delaware Community College in 1989 coach him for a week leading up to it.. "okay, remember what we talked about.. don't rush it, hit the ball solid and follow through with your leg.. you can do it".. then he kicks a 3-hopper to the 20-yard line as the crowd boos him mercilessly and the guy in the suit holding the giant check fake consoles the participant while beaming inside because his product just had a 15-minute commercial.. then his wife walks away with that guy.. love that..

have i mentioned that i like Victoria's Secret? if any of you are looking for a Christmas gift for me, consider the giant posters they have in the windows at the store that would fit perfectly on the ceiling of my bedroom.. i should get a job there as a "consultant" and women would have to ask my opinion of anything they try on.. i'd probably work a lot of overtime..

another one of my favorite guys is the guy at the YMCA or local high school gym who's treating a pick-up basketball game like it's the Final Four.. he's all geared up in his sweatbands and $200 kicks and talking trash to 40-year-old accountants that are just trying to lower their cholesterol.. meanwhile, this guy played Division II basketball 3 years ago and is now a personal trainer.. he also doubles as the guy who refuses to call a foul on himself or help anyone up because "it's a man's game".. love that guy..

it doesn't get much funnier than a dad playing ball with his son, just hoping he'll make contact, then the kid gets his Ken Griffey Jr. on and rakes a line drive off dad's marble bag.. that was my favorite clip on "America's Funniest Home Videos".. but the best was the sound effects they played when it happened.. it sure doesn't feel like that "squeezing a clowns nose" sound.. other classics include: people falling down, kids riding their bikes into things, elderly people having their pants fall down (usually while dancing with their spouse who's oblivious to the whole event), fat people being stuck in flotation devices, kids being deathly afraid of Santa, and cats being lit on fire and then drowned.. relax, i'm kidding.. kids being afraid of Santa isn't that funny..

the household plan is to watch "The Strangers" in the near future.. i've heard some people say it's the scariest movie they've seen in years.. so, naturally, i'll be acting all manly about it but secretly saying to myself, "don't scream like a girl, don't scream like a girl, don't scream like a girl".. we're definitely going to wear white masks and sit outside a roommates window afterwards though.. call "America's Funniest Home Videos" and get Bob Saget over here with our million dollars..

heard this Halloween costume idea: put cardboard on your shoulders, then cut a hole in a sheet and put that over your head, then put a lamp on one shoulder and a clock on the other shoulder.. then go up to chicks and tell them you're a "one-night stand".. hilarious right?? that's gotta work better than those "FBI: Female Body Inspector" or "Amateur Gynecologist" shirts.. or to break the ice, you can just go up to any chick and be like, "sooo.. you're a slutty what?".. if you're a female and not dressing slutty, you obviously don't get the spirit of Halloween.. just stay home and hand out candy..

caught an episode of "The Biggest Loser" this week for the first time ever.. it's the show where teams compete to lose the most weight.. although i didn't see it, i have to imagine it's hilarious when they step on the scale and they've gained weight since the last week and then stand there and cry.. on this episode, they all lost weight but people were predicting they'd be 15 pounds lighter and they've lost 2.. then they act all bummed and their ripped trainers tell them stuff like "keep your chins up".. ranks pretty high on the comedy scale..

here are some highlights from Chapters 3 (one-night stands) and 4 (fend off STD's) from the "read this and be really good at sex" book:

- 81% of men in Portugal have had a one-night stand, which leads all countries. Brazil is second at 76% and the United States ranks sixth at 61%. The world average is 58%..

- Women who endorse casual sex are more likely to fantasize about dominating a man, reports a study in the Journal of Sex Research..

- a recent study by the Oxford Hair Foundation predicts that redheads will be extinct by 2100; just 4 percent of the population carries the recessive gene for red hair, which means it's becoming less common with every generation..

- one vigorously misplaced thrust is all it takes to rupture the corposa cavernosa, the elongated "erectile chambers" that run the length of your penis. A complete rupture will require surgery within 24 hours to stanch internal bleeding and reduce the risk of permanent damage. to protect yourself, be especially careful when she's on top. that's the position most likely to cause damage..

- here are a few practices that some people consider "safe".. they're not..

Abstinence: it works, of course- if you can do it. which you usually can, right up until the moment where you can't- and then you'll probably want something a little more reliable on hand..

Withdrawal: withdrawal. doesn't. work. pre-ejaculate contains sperm, and sperm makes babies. any questions?

Continuous Breastfeeding: breastfeeding does have a contraceptive effect, but it's most reliable in the first 6 months postpartum, and then only if she's nursing constantly and a lot. again, explore other alternatives if you're serious about not wanting another child..

- don't' even get us started on people who start having sex, stop, and put on a condom to finish. that's like hollering for defensive help after your man has driven the lane for a layup. if your bits are anywhere near her bits, let alone in them, you should be wearing a condom. you're probably familiar with "pre-ejaculate" (that spot on the front of your boxers when you're really turned on). the longer you're hard, the more pre-ejaculate you produce. problem? for the purposes of disease prevention, a body fluid is a body fluid. and if you're worried about pregnancy, pre-ejaculate contains sperm.. and it just takes one, baby..

- this is such a great trick, we can't imagine why everyone doesn't use it. obviously, one of the real sensations that you're missing out on when you're practicing safe sex is that wonderful wetness that tells you you're home. fake yourself out by adding a tiny drop of lube (a little goes a long way in this instance) inside the condom before you put it on. it heats up delightfully once it's in play, and feels much closer to the real thing..


Lyrics of the Week

"Our Last Night" by Better Than Ezra

We were standing in an empty room
The moonlight was falling
You were holding my hand when the car pulled up for you
And I could have spent a life with you
But those days were over
You were calling my name when your face faded from view

And wasn't it you who told me, the sun would always chase the day?
And wasn't it you who told me

Angels fly in the air tonight
Saying wasn't it just like swimming out on the lake?
And stars collide and the air's alive
Or was it just like those promises that you made
On our last night?

I remember waking up with you
The days doing nothing
You meant more to me then than I think you ever knew.
But you were gonna be a doctor, movie star
A poet at a Nobel seminar
I hope the world never tore that out of you

Cause wasn't it you who told me, the sun would always chase the day?
Yeah wasn't it you who told me

Angels fly in the air tonight
Saying wasn't it just like swimming out on the lake?
And stars collide and the air's alive
Or was it just like those promises that you made
On our last night?

And what ever happened to the things you loved
And the songs we played, and the Indian days
Whatever happened to the things you gave away?
Like Harold and Maude and singing
Like Harold and Maude and singing

I was waving as you drove away
The sunlight was falling
You were writing backwards in a dusty window pane

Angels fly in the air tonight
Saying wasn't it just like swimming out on the lake?
And stars collide and the air's alive
Or was it just like those promises that you made
On our last night?


"There Is" by Boxcar Racer

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is

Those notes you wrote me, I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought on how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message, about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is


"Waitin' On A Woman" by Brad Paisley

Sittin' on a bench at West Town Mall
He sat down in his overalls and asked me
You waitin' on a woman
I nodded yeah and said how 'bout you
He said son since nineteen fifty-two I've been
Waitin' on a woman

When I picked her up for our first date
I told her I'd be there at eight
And she came down the stairs at eight-thirty
She said I'm sorry that I took so long
Didn't like a thing that I tried on
But let me tell you son she sure looked pretty
Yeah she'll take her time but I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman

He said the wedding took a year to plan
You talk about an anxious man, I was nervous
Waitin' on a woman
And then he nudged my arm like old men do
And said, I'll say this about the honeymoon, it was worth it
Waitin' on a woman

And I don't guess we've been anywhere
She hasn't made us late I swear
Sometimes she does it just 'cause she can do it
Boy it's just a fact of life
It'll be the same with your young wife
Might as well go on and get used to it
She'll take her time 'cause you don't mind
Waitin' on a woman

I've read somewhere statistics show
The man's always the first to go
And that makes sense 'cause I know she won't be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any
I hope she takes her time, 'cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman

Honey, take your time, cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman


"Every Time I Hear Your Name" by Keith Anderson

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she'll make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.
But it's way too soon to be talkin' 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,
'cause I know exactly what she's goin' through; yeah, I've been there too.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

I stop thinkin' 'bout the words I left unsaid.
(Every time I hear your name.)
I stop tryin' the change the things I can't change.
(Every time I hear your name.)
In my heart I know you're gone, but in my head,

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
That's all it takes, and I'm in that place.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can't explain, but I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.


"Something About A Woman" by Jake Owen

She pulled her hair back to sun her shoulders
Took the oil and rubbed it all over her soft skin
Oh, I'm a lucky man
She wasn't wantin' any suntan lines so she
Reached back and she untied that little string
And then she smiled at me

And blew a kiss right off her fingertips
I don't know what it is

But there's something about a woman
Yeah, some kind of sweet little something
That I may never understand
Yeah, some kind of gift they're given
That makes this life worth livin'
And it makes a man a man
Oh, there's nothing like that
Somethin' about a woman

I sat there for a while and wondered
And she took a nap there under that summer sky
And then I realized

There are things in life that are meant to be
Maybe left a mystery

Yeah, like that something about a woman
Yeah, some kind sweet little something
That I may never understand
Yeah some kind of gift they're given
That makes this life worth livin'
And it makes a man a man
Oh, there's nothing like that
Somethin' about a woman

Yeah some kind of gift they're given
That makes this life worth livin'
And it makes a man a man
Oh, I'm nothing without that
Somethin' about a woman
Oh, about a woman


"One Year, Six Months" by Yellowcard

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do


"A Goodnight's Sleep" by The Starting Line

A better slumber
Was in your arms
spent tangled up in you

A sudden morning
Crashed in the room
With an uninvited sudden change in you

What can I say?
Where's that girl from last night
That slept on that side and looked just like you do?

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you don't wake up as broken as I am

For a lack of better
Words to say
All I said was goodnight
Once again, in self-defence
I wont sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Sleep in your own bed