Wednesday, April 30, 2008

i'm a man, sue me..

one of my roommates bought Grand Theft Auto 4 last night and only planned on playing for a half hour or so.. i ended up watching him play for 3 hours.. a few of the things that happened: he drove over several pedestrians, sped consistently in front of police officers, beat up homeless men, joined in a high speed chase, crashed several cars and was thrown through the windshield.. the reason i stayed awake so long is that he was dating this chick and at the end of every date you had the choice to "try your luck" or "say goodnight".. being the proud owners of 4 combined testicles we obviously tried our luck.. he struck out on the first two dates (one of which ended with him driving her home drunk) but at the end of the third date, she invited him into her place and proceeded to make porn sounds for a few seconds.. hey, he flew through a windshield earlier in the night, he's allowed to not have his "A-game" once.. the point of the story is that i stayed up way too long hoping for video game sex and i'm not remotely phased nor embarrassed by it at all, because i'm a guy..

one of my all-time favorite TV shows is "To Catch A Predator".. the best is when Chris Hansen first confronts these perverts and they say they "didn't do anything" or "only came to see if she was okay" or "came to babysit".. oh really? with a 6-pack of wine coolers, condoms and porn DVDs? great idea.. at least two guys have came in and immediately got buck ass naked like it was an everyday activity for them.. then Hansen reads off the one-thousand page transcript of the instant messages, saying things like "you say you want to (blank) her in the (blank)" as monotone as possible.. and when the pervert finally gives up, they'll say something like "am i going to be arrested?" Hansen always says "that's not up to me" but you know he wants to say "hell yeah, you're gonna be arrested, you sent her a picture of your junk.. but first the policemen want to pile drive you on the cement when you walk out".. i'd be fine with these psychotic individuals getting the death penalty but it's usually a 10-year jail sentence or less.. that's our country.. God Bless America..

Monday, April 28, 2008

girls look hottest when they don't try to look hot, or when they're naked...

seriously girls, you don't have to try to get all dolled up to impress guys.. guys want to see a girl when she's the most comfortable, and i have a hard time to believe that's the case with 5 pounds of makeup caked to your face.. if you're attractive, guys can tell, we don't want a rodeo clown or a paint-by-numbers in public with us.. a girl looks the hottest when they're in a hooded sweatshirt and their hair is all messy, or she's wearing something that's too baggy (better if it's mine), or when she just wakes up and is in her PJ's, etc.. guys can tell when girls are trying too hard and it's a turn-off.. if you want to dress like a prostitute to get guys attention, don't be surprised when you attract the attention of some douchebag and also don't be surprised when the classy girls call you whores.. guys don't want girls like that, for sure not long-term.. the hottest girls are the ones who know they are attractive, but don't let people know that they know.. besides, personality seals the deal in the long run anyway so be a cool person and you'll have no problems.. have the confidence to be in a room full of people you barely know and that's the coolest thing in the world..

P.S. i'm still absolutely a fan of getting dressed up and all that when the situation calls for it, don't get me wrong, i'm just saying what i'm most attracted to.. don't wear sweatpants to the Olive Garden i guess is what i'm getting at..

P.P.S. nudity is still a crowd favorite, fyi...

Saturday, April 26, 2008

random smorgasbord of crap...

earlier this week i was at the gym and thought the Twins game started at 7:00, so i turned the channel to the TV in front of my treadmill to FSN and began my cardio around 6:55.. i forgot the Twins were playing in Oakland, CA that night, meaning the game would start at about roughly 2:30 a.m... luckily for me, there was a fishing show called something like "Up North" on and i didn't want to get off the treadmill to change the channel.. besides, i was probably rocking the iPod pretty hard to the Spice Girls at that point.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot.. anyway, the volume to the fishing show was turned off but they had the closed captions on so i didn't miss a second of the fast-paced bass fishing action.. my point is this: there is no other activity in the world that uses such words that could be considered sexual in nature.. i nearly tripped reading some of the words that were said on a fishing show.. some examples: cranks, jerk bait, jiggle sticks, skirts and snapper weight.. also, good ice fishing areas are commonly known as "honey holes".. they also referenced the "thirty second rule", which in fishing means you should get the fish back into the water within 30 seconds or else its chances of survival are slim.. to me, it's about the time it takes to get a girl into my bedroom, have sex with her and then apologize.. if i didn't know any better, these would be words that so called "players" would use on the weekends when they go out with their wingmen.. i mean, we all know you have to lift up the skirt to get to the honey hole and get the thirty second rule started..

also, tonight i came across one of those mixed-martial arts (possibly UFC) fights where basically anything goes besides fish-hooking and eye-gouging.. so essentially it's okay to knee a guy repeatedly in the forehead until he's unconscious but you can't put your finger in his mouth.. makes sense.. these guys are absolutely insane.. how do you possibly have more than one of these matches in your career? i'm guessing none of these guys are particularly bright since this is their chosen profession but if i was them, on my way to the "steel cage" i'd be running through law schools in which to enroll in my head.. give me the WWF any day (i refuse to acknowledge the WWE) with the fake chairs and guys losing championship belts because of things called "sleeper hold" or "figure-four leg-lock".. i don't need to see a guys fibula snap in half and his opponent catch his chin with a right-left combo on his way to the ground, effectively ruining his chances of getting into Harvard.. to make a long story longer: i like my wrestling like i like my breasts... fake...

(writer's note: if ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews happens to read this, those comments about my sub par sex drive and wanting fake breasts are just jokes.. i greatly prefer real breasts and you can probably at least double that thirty second nonsense.... if you wear a snowsuit)...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

a memo to Myspace whores..

if i don't know you, don't ask to be my friend.. what i love the most is those "girls" who are only on Myspace to promote their porn website.. their profile picture is inevitably them in a bikini with breasts the size of basketballs and trying to pose sexy but appear very uncomfortable.. i don't know any girls who look like that, nor do i know any girls named Chastity or Desiree.. i'm not interested in having 74,382 friends when i actually only talk to 15.. that doesn't make you cool.. in actuality, the more "friends" you have on Myspace, the less cool you are.. the fact that you have Myspace makes you uncool to a certain degree, and i'm including myself in that group.. girls who are cool and hot and live close to me don't randomly try to befriend me.. if you are cool, hot and live close to me and wouldn't mind taking off your clothes in my vicinity, let me know.. but i'm not going to hold my breath..

sort of related to this is a topic that my former roommate, Justin and i both find comical and annoying.. actually saying how you're feeling on your Facebook status update.. it's worse if it's something like "so and so is such a bitch" or "so and so is going to be sorry when i'm gone", etc.. no one cares and you're only doing it to call attention to yourself and have people ask you what's wrong.. it makes you look childish and high schoolish, so figure it out.. have a sleepover with your girlfriends, change your tampon, watch "The Notebook", paint each others nails and talk about your problems.. if that doesn't work, write in your diary for a while.. things will be fine when your breasts grow or testicles drop and you start to worry about grown-up things..

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

one of these 19 guys is the father...

back in my freshman year of college, my roommates and i were obsessed with shows like Maury Povich and Montel Williams when they did the paternity tests, which we obviously skipped class to watch, as evidenced by my failing grade in Algebra.. i was reminded of this listening to the Jim Rome radio show today, which is a sports show but sometimes gets off-topic with hilarious stories and opinions (i.e. Bert and Ernie telling their parents why they share a one-bedroom apartment and own "His" and "His" bathrobes).. anyway, some 17-year-old girl inevitably brings 13 guys to the show who could potentially be the father of her child and the host will go down the line to each guy and say "you are NOT the father" until the last guy sees his life ruined (who, by the way, can't be the father because they "only had sex 4 times and i wore a condom twice and she was drunk the other two times so she couldn't have got pregnant.. besides, that kid don't even have my eyebrows".. good point).. meanwhile, the 12 other guys who were arguing 2 minutes earlier start chest-bumping and high-fiving each other for dodging a bullet and are allowed to have unprotected sex with another chick..

the greatest is when the girl brings a dozen guys there and none of them are the father, leading to her running off the set and burying her head into the concrete floor while the host comforts her by saying things like "who do you think could be the father?" while thinking, "wow, this girl is a slut".. how does one girl have sex with that many guys in the period of time where they could be the father? that's seemingly impossible.. the lesson, as always: sure sex with a condom doesn't feel as good as sex without a condom, but sex with a condom feels a lot better than scratching a check every month for a kid you didn't want, along with being humiliated on national television..

Friday, April 11, 2008

why men and women are different..

do girls actually have any friends? i have several friends that i genuinely enjoy being around.. sure we'll make fun of each other but it's often to their face and good-natured.. when someone leaves, my first thought isn't to say "oh my god, did you see what pants he was wearing?" or "what the hell was his problem?".. it must be something in girls DNA to make them bad-mouth their friends when their not around.. if i was a girl, i'd be too busy soaping myself in the shower or standing in front of the mirror naked to spew insults about my "friends" behind their back.. girls should adopt guys style of resolving a conflict: punch each other and then have a beer together.. problem solved.. instead, they hold all their feelings inside when they're together and call each other things like "whorebag" and "slutface" when they're apart.. but whatever makes you feel good, i guess.. now i have to go play beer pong with my fat, slutty roommates.. none of their shoes match their pants either.. hideous..