i dare you..

this post is being co-brought to you by sleeveless flannel shirts at the bar and Ice-T's wifes breasts..

a third sponsor for this post is the gentleman in the Gold's Gym locker room last night who was fired up to receive his new speakers "front and back" for his car later this week, and when i left, he was getting into his 1991 Buick Century.

my last post talked about how my family and i would go camping every summer and one of my favorite weekends was Halloween. i found a picture of me as the Ultimate Warrior:

today i was offered a chance to go to Chicago for a work convention in a few weeks. of course, the first thing i do is check the Twins schedule and see that they're in Chicago to play the White Sox a few days after i'd get there. we play them 19 times a year, i think, and 3 of those games are played while i'll be there? you bet your ass i'll be making every effort i can to be circled by Bert.

i've had about enough of hearing the "N" word in every day life. it's not the 1800's anymore. to me, it's personal because my sister-in-law is black, and there's not a nicer person on the planet. if you don't like someone, it SHOULD NOT be because of their skin color, it should be because they gave you another reason not to like them. i hate shit-talkers, if i met one who was another race, i wouldn't group every person of that race into my hatred. it's not funny, it's not clever and it serves no purpose.

anyone know how to use an actual bar of soap anymore?

i lose at least one pen a day at work. i'm going to be a great father.

Sex > Conan O'Brien > Strawberry Gushers > Dave Letterman > Dentist (no cavities) > Jimmy Kimmel > Papercut meets hand sanitizer > Jay Leno > Late period > Jimmy Fallon > Elephants > Alligators > Clowns > Snakes > Shaq giving you a handjob > AIDS > George Lopez.

i want to go to a drive-in movie theater and make out. i'll drive this:

good thing Coors Light came out with those cans that tell you if your beer is "cold" or "super cold". how else would we be able to tell?

the parking lot at our apartment has received some pothole maintenance, so now we're able to look for hotties in the pool area without risking a flat tire. bonus for me, because i'd have to get out of my car and ask them if they had any tools. awkward.

growing up, which of these events caused me to cry (answer is somewhere below):

A) my aunt telling me that if i ate anymore blue gumballs, i'd turn into one.

B) my brother telling me that wrestling was fake.

C) the Vikings overtime loss in the 1998 NFC championship game.

D) an elementary school "crush" giving back the necklace that i stole from my sister to give to her.

E) all of the above.

Nik, thanks for allowing me to steal that. you owed me anyway:

are girls more attracted to a guy who can play guitar or a guy who can cook? i would like feedback to judge which hobby i'd like to get serious about. (note: a few comments like, "Dan, you have everything a girl needs already" couldn't hurt. but let's take this seriously.)

buddy recently bummed out by seeing an ex-longtime-gf with another dude not long ago. was "you win some, you lose some" the proper thing to say?

an ugly heart erases a pretty face. boobs help. but not enough.

you may never hear or read these words from me again if i have anything to say about it, but i turned down sex recently. with a pretty girl. that's all i'll say on that. (cliffhanger).

if you do not have an open bar at your wedding, your marriage will fail.

one of my buddies will randomly text me the names of three girls. it is then my job to tell him which of the three i would marry, fuck or kill. entertaining.

fuck yes:

i think it's fairly safe to say i don't need this "buy two watch batteries, get one free" punch card in my money clip.

do you think the bumps on nipples spell "suck me" in Braille?

the first night i ever wore Very Sexy cologne by Victoria's Secret, i had sex. put me on a commercial with all those chicks with those wings, i'll sell the shit out of that stuff.

quote of the week: "she looked like she had the most perfect nipples, too."

instead of guys going into V.S. and asking girls to try something on because they're the same size as their gal, how about i just get hired to be the "all-time boyfriend" and tell girls what they look like in their lingerie? see, no more awkwardness! except when a hot girl comes out in their stretchy tank top things and cheekies and i start doing cartwheels and making Indian noises and my eyes do that cartoon thing where they come out of your head. and i have an erection.

you know all those romance novels? here are the "cliff notes": guy is an asshole, girl hates him, guy says something that makes girl realize guy is maybe not an asshole, starts raining, guy is cut out of granite, girl "shouldn't feel this way about him" but grabs his "long, hard member" anyway. he has a condom handy. then they orgasm at the same time. you just read a million books. that's worth a personal pan pizza.

if a girl is passionate about something, anything really, it's super attractive. it could be their job, family, reading, a certain band, etc. just something that they get excited talking about. people can see that, and your excitement makes others interested in what you have to say. it's attractive to see someone feel so strongly about something. super cool. my "passions": Vikings and Twins, writing, music, family, and golf is getting close. i could talk about these things to a stranger because i'm confident in my knowledge of these topics, and i have opinions that i'm not afraid of sharing. passion is sexy. (editor's note, i wrote this paragraph before i read the Men's Health column at the end of this post. it has some similarities.)

my childhood.. Twins helmet, "Hulkster" headband... Playdoh?

i ALMOST hit on a random girl recently. here's the story: i've gone to Chipotle several times recently (bad start, stay with me) and one of the gals that works there has caught my eye. shorter brunette hair, curvy, nice butt, always smiling and cheerful.. anyway, i'm at Cash Wise before going to Chipotle, and in my mind i say "if that girl is working and it's the right opportunity, i'm saying something to her." okay, i'm here.. and she is the only one behind the counter. also, i'm the only person in line. this will be simple. she needs more chicken. she's turning around. not sure how she got into those pants. is anyone seeing me look at her butt? concentrate. i'll wait until it's time to pay, say something like "you're really pretty, by the way", blush and go home with my burrito. looking good. no, i don't want salsa, you should know that by now, with all that we've been through. wait. why is "door cockblock" opening? i don't want you here at all. sparks were about to fly, and not just because the new kid in the back with the frisbee size holes in his earlobes put tinfoil in the microwave. ugh... random girl comes in from outside, takes the burrito made lovingly by my Chipotle wife, and rings me up. missed opportunity. think of all the free Chipotle i could have gotten! oh, and the steady sex.

this past Saturday night, we had a work-related gathering at G Allens, a local bar. they offer a t-shirt that says "I found the G-spot", that we can all pretend i don't own. in fairness, i HAVE found the G-spot (i made it to the bar AND i've given a woman an orgasm using only my penis). we'll skip over the boring parts (darts, a guy telling me about his nightly drinking habit, me stealing a penis balloon from a party and wearing it on my head, and me finding a basketball on the floor and carrying it everywhere, except home, evidently.) near the juke box, or whatever they call it nowadays, a gal catches my eye. i referred to her as "Christmas", because of her green tank top and red bra. she was about 5"9", skinny, long brown hair and had brown eyes. the friend that was with her was shorter, not skinny, and had hair and eyes, i assume. they're at the music thing forever, allowing me ample time to simultaneously hope they don't play "Shots" AND mentally undress her and set her on the edge of the pool table. my beer is empty so i go to the bar. "Christmas" and her fat friend (we'll call her "Kwanzaa") are done picking their songs and walking towards me. avoiding eye contact with Kwanzaa, i look at "Christmas". did she smirk at me? i think she did. and why not? i look really cute tonight and just earlier i gave her a mental orgasm on that pool table. i go back to my table to A) tell people about what just happened, and B) brainstorm pick up lines. all the obvious ones come to mind about Christmas and wanting to unwrap her, but those usually get guys slapped in real movies. they usually get guys blow jobs in porn though... eh, if this was a porn, there would be less slutty girls here. i wish i had the fun fact that a coworker shared with me earlier this week about how, if you make a fist with your left hand but your thumb is inside your fingers, you have no gag reflex. i could have explained that to her and then winked seductively. eventually i settle on my "go to move", silently glancing at her from across the bar and making no effort to speak real words to her. okay, she's at the bar with Kwanzaa, i'll go to the bar across from them and see if any eye contact is made. right when i get there, some clown hits on Kwanzaa unsuccessfully, leading to the two holidays making fun of him. is that her smile? why does it look like it hurts? stop smiling! thank you.. i like her boobs.. and she's smiling again.. i go back to my earlier fantasy and bend her over the pool table instead, so i don't have to see her face.. that smile isn't going to work for me.. moving on..

later in the evening, two female coworkers point out a chick in white. she's blonde and (surprise!) has nice boobs. i ask my coworkers if she was the girl that was just at the table next to us and barely knew enough English to form real sentences at that point. (i'm observant). thankfully, it's a different girl. when i say i like passionate girls, i don't mean "passionate about drinking". at this point, a guy with giant biceps who's wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt is chatting her up, and i wonder aloud if he's her boyfriend. another guy says he's definetly not her boyfriend, using the logic of "he's too tan." works for me, chicks hate tan guys with big muscles. one of the coworker girls asks if they should go talk to her. i tell her "it's your party", and they're on their way. i use this time to get in some quality people-watching, which i always enjoy. guys who hit on girls when the girl they're already with goes to the bathroom or outside to smoke. that's classy. anyway, the coworker gals are gone for a good amount of time, so maybe they're making progress. maybe they're going over all my positive traits in a bulleted Power Point production? maybe Danny Bunz should flex something? orrr maybe she's engaged? yep.. she is.. they come back and give me the bad news, also saying that a guy told one of them that she has "nice boobs" and she pushed him away. i cross "you have nice boobs" off the pick-up line list.. and i come up empty handed, as always..

why do guys always have to make the first move? i think it would be incredibly cool if a girl came up to me and said she thought i was hot. and while i'm at it, it's okay to accept a compliment, girls. "you look really nice" doesn't have to be met with an "ugh, i feel so fat today". smile and say thanks.

the answer to the above question is E. every one of those things made me cry...

if you read Cosmo, you're familiar with the "Ask Him Anything" section, where girls write in to ask a male columnist relationship questions. even though my relationship experience is very minimal, i've always felt i'd be good at answering the questions that he gets. i've picked out two recent questions and, without reading his response, answered them on my own:

June 2011 issue with Cameron Diaz on the cover (she looks hot on the cover, she's one that i struggle to say "hot" or "not hot" for sure):

Q: "I went on a great first date... that ended with us sleeping together. I want to see him again but hold off on sex for a bit. Would he think that's weird?"

Me: I wouldn't use the word "weird". It would be confusing to sleep with a girl on the first date and then have her want to "slow down". A guys ego depends A LOT on how much a girl enjoys sleeping with him (in many polls, the main turn-on for guys is how enthusiastic she is in bed). If you suddenly stop wanting to sleep with him with no explanation, he would think that you didn't enjoy it and he'd be hesitant to initiate it in the future. According to girls I talk to, confidence and well-timed aggression from a guy are turn-on's, and you'd be stripping his confidence with the sexual "stop sign". But there are positives. The first date obviously produced sparks and an attraction. The best thing to do is be honest with him. Say something like, "I really enjoyed that night and would love to hang out again. I want to hold off on the sex for a while though and get to know you better." Make sure he knows that you're still interested in him sexually though, or he'll think you like him as a friend. Also know that you'll have to be the one to make the first move when you're ready, he won't want to make you feel uncomfortable. If this guy is worth it, he'll wait it out. If not, get rid of him so neither one of you waste your time.

July 2011 issue with Rihanna on the cover:

Q: "During the past few dates I've been on, I've been told that I'm "intimidating." What does it mean when a guy says that?

Me: It could mean a few things. The worst thing it could mean is that you give off an impression of being stuck up or bitchy, and that's intimidating. The best one would be that you come off as successful and intelligent, and that intimidates him. A simple way to "fix" either: ask him questions about himself - his job, does he like what he does, what would he rather do, his family, hobbies, etc. When he says something that you can relate to, say a few things about it and allow him to ask questions as well. Neither person should dominate the conversation, it should flow easily if it's going well. This way, you appear interested in him (bonus points if you actually are) and you're able to speak about the qualities you have without appearing to put yourself on a pedestal. If your being "intimidating" is an ongoing theme, however, you may need to work on your genuine personality. No one wants you "faking it."


if you're bored, nominate me for "Cosmo Bachelor of the Year". give me about 6 months notice though so i can run through P90X a couple times, or break into Cosmo to learn how to use their airbrushing machine.

the June 2011 Cosmo had an article titled "Dirty Talk that Drives Men Wild" and lists 78 lines that girls have said. i picked out my favorites:

1. "The alarm clock sounded and she hit the snooze button. Then she rolled on top of me and said, 'We've got nine minutes. Let's do this.'"

9. "A few years ago, I was in a deeply meaningful relationship. One time when we were in the middle of having sex, she looked up at me and whispered, 'I love you, I love you, I love you.' That was all it took to take the sex to the next level - it was a type of passion I'd never felt before."

20. "I asked my girlfriend what our plans were for later that evening. She said, 'Well, I'm going to rip off your clothes, use your body like a jungle gym, and ride you like a cowgirl!' I was so turned on that I had a hard time focusing at work that day."

29. "She cooked me dinner, and it was delicious. Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear, 'For dessert, you're going to eat my cake.'"

32. "While we were haing sex on the second floor of a bar in New York City, I said, 'I think someone is coming up the stairs.' She replied, 'I don't care, just keep going.'"

35. ""She got naked and told me, 'This is yours.'"

39. "'I think you're one of the few good guys left.' I dont' normally hear a lot of compliments like that."

40. "I went down on a new girlfriend. Afterward, she pulled me up to her face, kissed me, and said, 'You are amazing at that.'"

47. "'I've never been fucked like that before.' That made me feel like she'd never forget me."

62. "She was lying on top of me, we'd both had crazy orgasms, and we were gasping for breath. She held up her hand for a high five and said, 'Good game.'"

65. "We were joking around, and I was trying to impress her. She rolled her eyes and said, 'Okay, okay. You're hilarious and charming. Now take off your pants.'"

67. "I always love when a girl says 'kiss me.' It's tender and really hot at the same time."


"A Girl Like You" by Pete Yorn

Someday
I'll look into her green eyes
And know that she'll come with me
A girl like you

Too many
Things I do not care for
But one thing that I adore
Is a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you

Tomorrow
I think I'll tell you something
The thing that I haven't said
To a girl like you

And even if
I don't know what the day will bring
Still I can tell most anything
To a girl like you

I'll always try
To look you in the eye
It's okay
With a girl like you
It's okay
With a girl like you
A girl like you


Men's Health Tips

The Top 20 Traits Women Want in a Man

Objective
To identify, quantify, and rank the traits that make a man "hot" to women.

Methods and Subjects
We surveyed more than 1,000 American women ages 21 to 54 in two online polls. One was conducted by Opinion Research Corporation, based in Princeton, New Jersey, and the other was done on BestLifeOnline.com.

Results
We organized traits and characteristics according to the percentage of women who ranked them within the top 10 attributes. Women rated traits relating to character and personality much higher than they scored those reflecting physical attractiveness. For example, only 13 percent of women included muscular build as a requisite for hotness, while 66 percent placed moral integrity as a "make me quiver" characteristic. Check out the supporting data.


Top 5 Charcter Traits

84%
1. Faithfulness
More than 8 out of 10 women rated "faithful to me" in the top 10 attributes they find sexy in a man. A woman's tendency toward attachment is a biological imperative, a matter of raising offspring right. Reassure her (often) that you're not going anywhere.

75%
2. Dependability
Three out of four women say they look for a man who makes commitments and follows through. Being responsible—even if it's just remembering to pick up salad dressing on your way over to her place—sends a positive signal that someday you might commit.

67%
3. Kindness
Young women may still fall for the bad-boy type, but more-mature women are turned on by kindness, because kindness inspires confidence. In other words, if you treat the waitress well, your date figures you'll treat her well, too.

66%
4. Moral Integrity
Having the guts to tell the truth means to a woman that you have the guts to be a good, caring, decent partner over the long haul. White lies are okay; just avoid any that are tinged with gray.

51%
5. Fatherliness
Being a good dad (or having the potential to become one) is about being a good role model—and about being patient and caring, qualities women like in a partner. If you're not a father, then tell her about your favorite niece or nephew, or the employee you're mentoring at work.


Top 5 Personality Traits


77%
1. Sense of Humor
Being able to laugh at the stresses of this world is a must, according to the women on our panel. You get bonus points if you can make them laugh. Humor tells a woman that you can laugh at—read, handle easily—the many difficulties that life throws at you.

55%
2. Intelligence
A worldy, interesting man is a man she likes to show off. Men who are take-charge problem solvers make women feel secure, and men who are always improving are never boring.

46%
3. Passion
Why have women always melted for musicians? Because rock stars are passionate in public. Women like displays of passion because they're not accustomed to seeing them from men. Get passionate about something: kayaking, impressionistic art, barbecuing, or Habitat for Humanity. It's proof that you care for and about something beyond yourself.

41%
4. Confidence
A man who feels secure in his own skin makes the woman he's with feel secure. By showing you can handle unfamiliar people or situations, you tell the woman in your life that she need not fear, either.

38%
5. Generosity
This is more important to women over 35 than it is to those under that age. Generosity, however, doesn't just mean springing for dinner at a four-star. Your willingness to give your time and lend your ear is what women crave


Top 5 Practical Skills

53%
1. Listening
Pay attention. A woman feels safe and secure when she knows her man will put down his BlackBerry and listen to her. Magic words: "I'm here. Tell me everything."

48%
2. Romancing
Romance appeals to a woman's right-brained, less-logical side. Every woman fantasizes about being swept off her feet. Romance is bold because you're displaying your desire for a woman and revealing a softer, more vulnerable side that women find irresistible.

35%
3. Being Good in Bed
It's not just the orgasms. A woman knows that a man who takes care of her in bed will take care of her out of bed. (Of course, the orgasms don't hurt.) Your enthusiasm for her body is more important than your sexual prowess.

23%
4. Cooking, Cleaning, etc.
Self-sufficiency means you're not going to expect her to be like your mother. Learn how to make one or two killer breakfasts or dinners, and you'll win her heart.

21%
5. Earning Potential
One in five women surveyed said a man's successfulness in his career contributes to his sexiness. If you've demonstrated talent, goal achievement, and follow-through, you give women confidence that you will be a good provider.


Top 5 Physical Attributes

30%
1. Sense of Style
The way you dress reflects on the woman you're with, and she knows it. The man who knows how to match a patterned shirt and tie will notice when she's dressed well, too. (And maybe he'll pay for the Blahniks.) Keep your tailor and your dry cleaner busy, and spring for posh, touchable fabrics like cashmere, suede, pima cotton, and brushed corduroy.

26%
2. Handsome Face
The science of attraction, which has been studied ad infinitum, says it's all about symmetry. Imagine you have a dotted red line (Nip/Tuck style) vertically through the center of your face, down your nose. Are your features similar in form and arrangement on both sides of the line? Do your eyes and ears match up? The closer one side mirrors the other, the more attractive you are. Women in cross-cultural studies have also ranked men with broad chins, high cheekbones, and large eyes as the most attractive. Best way to improve your looks: Smile more, and make certain your sideburns are even.

15%
3. Height
Tall, dark, and handsome isn't the be-all and end-all. Women say they like feeling smaller than their men, but height doesn't necessarily mean might. They will feel comfortable as long as they aren't towering over you.

13%
4. Muscular Build
Spend more time with the bathroom mirror and less time with the gym mirror. Nearly three times as many women value a clean-shaven face over the clean and jerk. Muscles help ward off rivals and assure a woman that you won't drop her during a dip, but your overall appearance is more important than the size of your biceps.

12%
5. Fitness
Women recognize a good body as indicative of a man of discipline and self-control. It tells a woman you can keep up with her, in bed and out.

the quiet screaming..

this post is being co-brought to you by pajama jeans and "Weinergate"..

a while back (over a year ago), i had a semi-crush on a gal and was scared to ask her out. if you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that this isn't all that uncommon. in my life, i have officially "asked out" two girls. so i went to a female friend for "tips" on what to do. other than, you know, actually speaking to this girl in person. as you know, i'm shy and self-conscious around new girls (new people, actually) and this female friend knew this, although she didn't understand it. this is the same female friend and time period in which she "polled" several girls about what they thought about my looks, which i wrote about here in December: http://fluentlysarcastic.blogspot.com/2010/12/santa-claus-is-coming-to-town.html

Additionally, she has a little background in psychology, and her and a friend had a discussion about my "underlying demons", for lack of a better term, and allowed me to see if any of it was right. here is what ensued, in a condensed version to make sense:

Female Friend (FF): Ooh, not sure if I should talk about him. Neither of us know him well enough to know whether we are right or wrong.

Other Girl (OG): And your point? I think it would still be fun. Ask him how close we get!

FF: I have this odd sense of respect for him.

OG: Ahh, I see what you’re saying. Is it really respect or is it more like attracted to?

FF: Did you even look at the picture? What woman wouldn’t be? Physically he is very appealing! Open your damn eyes woman! ;)

OG: True, true, very true.

FF: Eh fuck it, let’s go for it! I’ll obviously give you a few obvious points: I find no reason to believe that he suffers from multiple mood disorder, multiple personality disorder nor suffer from psychosocial dysfunction. However, he has proven me off base with my judge of personality with him!

OG: How so? You are usually a very good judge of character

FF: I was way out of touch with what I believed and what was true with him. I truly thought he was a self-absorbed, conceited playboy that was over indulgent on his physique, thought he was above everyone, that he stayed single to be a “man-whore”, that he was all looks, no brains and truly believed he was an alternative music man. WAY wrong…couldn’t have been more cold than an ice cube.

OG: Here’s what I think. He suffers from none of the above. But I believe he has a nerve issue…anxiety or depression? He is obviously worried about his appearance, but not to the extent of being obsessed. He probably chooses to be healthy and fit, not starving and dwindling away. Know if he has suppressed physical issues? Was he a chubby child? You say he’s a mama’s boy and I believe that she is his savior. He found comfort in his family and his mother was probably a little more comforting (come on, we are mom’s now, we know how that works with our baby boys!). She was and still is his security blanket, his rock, his stone and he needs her there for him. He has a slight self-esteem problem. I do not see him to be the one to stand in front of a mirror and say “Good Morning Gorgeous!” More like, “Shit, gotta do more oblique exercises”. Again, derived from a physical flaw in his younger years. Though he may be smiling from having fun, he’s mostly masking what it is that’s making him nervous. I bet he has a problem sleeping often. He can’t shut his brain off and he is constantly worrying. Yep! Anxiety… He doesn’t stay single to be a “Whore”, he’s afraid. He probably believes that he is un-worthy in some way, that he doesn’t meet his own expectations so how would he meet someone else’s? He is the polar opposite of a man-whore, he probably had his share of one nighter’s but he’s got the feminine characteristics and puts feelings and emotion into sex. Plus, he will have to find a woman that is comfortable enough with the love he has for his family. That can be a breaking point for women sometimes (dumb people). I believe he is a moldable man, but truly the woman that lands him shouldn’t change him. She will throw him out of whack with his routine and he needs a well rounded routine to stay “sane”. He has to be one of those open the door and pull out the seat for you kind of men. I just have a hunch…

FF: I have no idea. But what you are saying is how I picture him now. I see him being one of those “lean on me” kind of men. People can feel confident he will keep their secret, but he would be torn if it would be one of those secrets he knows should be told. Make sense? I also see him as being soft hearted. He would care so much that he would take on their pain and make it his own. Idk, I’m all kinds of confused by this one.

OG: It makes perfect sense. I know someone like that…ahem. It’s actually a great characteristic to have, but hurtful as well. Hey, let’s pick up where we left off later. I gotta go.

FF: I think we should just drop it. I almost feel bad for picking him apart. I have a soft spot for the poor guy.

OG: If he is anything like what I perceive to be true, it would be hard not to. Toodles for now….email me and we can catch up with this. I’m going to go look up a few things, betchya he has an anxiety disorder and I’m going to find the one he has!


i'll dispell a couple of the comments. one, i've never had a one-night stand. wouldn't be totally opposed to it but i like the relationship stuff a lot more. two, i have ZERO problem sleeping. i'll wake up just to take a nap. i've always had a super weird sleep schedule (more on that later).

but a lot of the things they talked about were true. i love my mom more than anything, and she's definitely my rock and person i go to when i need someone. i have never woken up and said "good morning, gorgeous", at least when i was alone. i love being someone people can trust and go to with their issues. and obviously, i have the anxiety issue where i don't feel i'm good enough. so for not really knowing me very well (and one person, not at all), they really got close to who i am as a person and what my "psychology" is. i know she'll be reading this, so thanks again for the dissection :)

don't make someone new in your life pay for stuff that people in your past have done. it's understandable to a degree that, if you've been burned every other time, you're going to be expecting the worst. but what fun is that? why "expect" that this person isn't right for you before you get to know them? i've been pushed away by girls in the past because their previous guys have verbally abused them or whatever. why should i pay for that before you know who i am? the last time i yelled or hit a girl was when i was like 10 and my sister pissed me off when we were rollerskating in the basement and i hit her in the back. in between sobs, she informed me that i was going to grow up to beat my wife. that obviously scared the shit out of me because i still remember that moment. and i've never raised my voice or fist to a female again (good looking out, Nik). now, maybe i'll raise my voice to a girl in the future, but it won't include the words "slut", "whore" or "bitch", i can promise you that. maybe people get so used to getting treated badly that they think they deserve it. you deserve what you allow yourself to deserve. if you keep going back to people who are wrong for you and you know it, then i have no sympathy for you. expect to be blown away and as happy as you can be, everyone deserves that, and everyone deserves a clean slate.

my brother just texted me a picture of a golf course he's at in Iowa. i'm sitting at my desk at work, watching the custodian walk by. immediately hate both of them.

the shower at our apartment has two temperatures: "lava" and "hotter than lava". glad it's been chilly out recently.

one of my favorite things is finding new music or musicians. the app Pandora is great for this. if you're someone who does not own a smartphone (Nik, BK, Fred Flinstone), Pandora plays music that is similar to the artist you choose. so if you like Kenny Chesney, you'll get country music. if you like Dashboard Confessional, you'll get Jack's Mannequin, Quietdrive, Boys Like Girls, etc. if you like Dave Matthews, you'll be tied down and waterboarded because evidently you enjoy being tortured. i have 7 "stations", and whenever i hear a song i like or a band that has a cool sound, i'll write it down and look them up later. if i had to give up television or music, it'd be a very easy choice for me.

we should send more reporters into areas that are incredibly dangerous, like war zones and hurricanes. how else do we know how dangerous it is?

if you own a fanny pack AND have whiskey plates on your truck, you confuse me.

not much more uncomfortable than watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene coming on.

actually, this was close: watching obese women hold up lingerie on each other at Charlotte Russe in the Mall Of America on Saturday. i don't know if i had a vote but i think it was clear when i took my glasses off, rubbed my eyes and shook my head.

speaking of obese women, when did it become acceptable to use your bra as a cell phone holder? is reaching into your pants pocket really that much work?

working next to an 84-year-old woman today when "Forgot About Dre" comes on Pandora. she thought it was a good time to take a break. she came back to "Gangsta's Paradise" and "P.I.M.P." i might be fired tomorrow.

i wish i could write for a living. looking back, i wish i would have went to college for creative writing. that, or psychology. i love writing to entertain, and i love helping people and learning more about how people think. when i need to calm down or relax, i feel incredible after writing. i feel incredible after yoga. i feel after reading Cosmo in the sauna (it's my guilty pleasure). and sex heals many things. i don't recommend it for healing herpes.

overheard this sentence recently: "finally found where the storm shelter in our trailer park is."

i'm biased, but two of the best uniforms in sports history are the Minnesota North Stars and the Minnesota Twins baby blues from the 70's and early 80's:





on the topic of hockey and baseball, how come a hockey player can take a frozen slab of rubber off the nose at 90 mph and come back after 5 minutes, but baseball guys strain a shoulder muscle when they rub on their Vagisil?

if my mom asked how a game went, that game was pretty important to me. mom's know everything.

i came home from the gym last night, my roommate was showering so i laid in my bed waiting to use the bathroom. when he's done, he walks into my room wearing only pink boxers with white polka dots and says "i've been waiting for you."

i've seen enough porn to know what my role is if i walk into a room and a woman is half-naked and touching herself in front of a cameraman with her eyes closed.

text of the week: "Remember when ______ ate out ______'s bisexual roommate who was ugly?"

runner-up text of the week: "this guy at the mall just had two hot girls beg him to come over and sit in their hot tub... that will never happen to me."

recently, a girl Googled three Twins players because she "knew i thought it would be hot". that's hotter than her actually knowing three Twins players. Mauer, Perkins, Baker :)

my mom and i have complete opposite sleep schedules. she'll go to bed around 8:00 p.m. and wake up around 4:00 a.m. even on weekends. these days, since i'm a big kid with a full-time job, i'll go to bed around 1:30 a.m. and wake up around 9:30 or 10:00. back when i still lived with my parents and only had a part-time job, i would chat with babes on AOL instant messenger til like 1:00 a.m., THEN i would go make a pizza and watch "Boy Meets World" and "Full House" until about 4:00 a.m. when my mom woke up. then i'd go to bed until noon. then wake up to take a nap.

ESPN's Rachel Nichols is hot, right guys? i feel like there's only two ways to feel about her and both are extremes.

growing up, our family would go camping at El Rancho in Richmond about 4 times a summer. my aunt and uncle and cousins family would also camp that same weekend. the times spent have created some of my favorite memories growing up. if it was nice during the day, we would spend it swimming or boating. towards the later years, i was getting to the point where i thought boobs were cool, and on the beach there were girls who had bikinis on. and those bikinis had boobs in them. so that was cool. i can't even remember most of the crazy things we did. of course we stole some beers from our parents coolers at night, i think they drank stuff like Natural Light and Busch just to make us hate it. at most, i'd have 5 sips and call it good. we would spend most nights at the "lodge", which is where all the arcade games were and the pool table. i fucking owned some motorcycle racing game there at one point, that's probably why i grew up to get pierced ears and a tattoo. can't keep a bad boy caged forever. we sat there through tornado warnings, freezing rain on Memorial Day, everything. every weekend had a theme. my favorite was Halloween in August. all the kids would dress up in costumes (i was usually a wrestler, in fact i distinctly remember being Ultimate Warrior at least once) and trick-or-treat to the other campgrounds. of course, you'd find the ones that gave out the best/most candy, go off and switch costumes with your accomplice and come back for more. hey, we were probably drunk. i remember one time at the "lodge", there was a dance. now, i was probably 9 or 10 at this point but i remember thinking one gal there was particular foxy. she was probably like 5 years older than me (hunting cougars already) and i was scoping her out all night. even back then i knew i didn't have much game to spit, so i let my pool playing do the talking. evidently, it didn't talk very loud because she ended up dancing the last song ("I've Had The Time of My Life" from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack) with some hillbilly who probably tried feeling her up on the beach later that night. and i went back to my tent depressed. i'm almost over it though, i've learned other girls have boobs.

girls, you know how you feel "ugly" after sex because you're all sweaty and your hair is all over? it's not ugly. it's the hottest fucking thing ever.

where i work, i'm able to see a lot of funny names (we ship several hundreds of packages a day). today i found my porn name: Danny Bunz.

my favorite wrestler name of all time? Dick the Bruiser.

heard some stories recently. one involves a male who tried to finger a girl but ended up scratching her vagina. admittedly, i'm not an expert on the female anatomy, but i've managed to get my fingers in there without incident. knowing me, i was probably one-handing the bra strap at the same time. be gentle boys, and clip those finger nails. it's not a scratch and sniff sticker.

that being said, i injured myself the first time i licked a vagina. pretty sure i hyperextended my tongue. this is a true story, i think i was a little too into it and went less "pretend it's an ice cream cone" and more "i think she wants me to taste her fallopian tubes". then that thing that attaches the bottom of your tongue to your mouth hurt for a few days. good thing i didn't WebMD that thing or i would have thought i had some sort of tongue disease that gave me 2 days to live.



What The Woman in Your Life is Really Thinking

When you look into a woman's eyes, you probably often wonder, What is she really thinking? You truly believe that you want to know. Poor thing. Your curiosity is stronger than your fear.

Very well, then. Every woman reacts differently, but my account here will scare the bejeezus out of you by coming pretty damn close to what your wife or girlfriend was thinking at various points in the arc of your relationship. Psychologists are standing by to help you understand—and deal with—us women.

Here's what she was thinking . . .

The Night You Met
Are you actually hot, or have I just made that up so I won't get bored and eat all this bread, which is awesome? I can't believe I have to be nice to your friend's girlfriend, who is phenomenally stupid, in case I want to date you.

Finally! You're looking at me. Chin's okay. Nice eyes, mouth . . . wait. Is your hair kind of gay? Oh. You looked away. I didn't like you anyway. I'm bored. I want more bread.

Wow. You just totally smiled at me! If you hadn't, I would have just stopped talking to you, and you would have thought I didn't like you. But I wasn't going to be the one to stick my neck out, because that's your job. I wonder if your friend's girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don't ask her to be in our wedding?

The First Time You Picked Her Up
Why aren't you here yet? My breasts look so good. But I'd better not catch you looking at them, because then I'll think that you think I'm easy. I have the greatest life! I am so pretty. You're 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You're 10 minutes late. I'm totally going to be a single mom.

Oh, wow. Here you are. I am so crazy. You're cute. Like the suit—a little rumpled, neat but not trying too hard. If you want me to fall in love with you, you're going to have to do something about that hair.

When I disappear briefly to get my jacket, I think I'll take off my underwear so I don't have panty lines. But I'd better put them in my bag in case you take me to a place that sells wings or jalapeño poppers. I'm classier than that, can't you tell? I'm already mad at you, imagining you taking me to a place like that.

On Your First Date
I blame you for my monologue in the car about my parents' dog's nail fungus. If you don't ask me a question in 5 seconds, we're not meant to be. Okay, 10 seconds. Fifteen. Ah, finally: "Do you like your job?" A little stiff, but you made the effort, and you are so lucky you said something before I reached 100.

Excellent restaurant choice—elegant but not stuffy. The hostess doesn't have our reservation. Great. Now you're going to freak out on her and embarrass me . . . Oh, you just said, "No big deal. We'll get a drink at the bar while you work it out." I'm aroused by your restraint.

Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn't want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don't like you anyway.

I have to think of something flirtatious to say, to see if you respond favorably. Thank goodness I've only had one drink, so I'm still aware that "I'm not wearing any underwear" is not a good choice. Did you just say the wine list looks "approachable"? "Tell me you did not just say the wine list looks approachable." Whoa. Did I say that out loud? That was mean. Why do I have to be sarcastic when I'm feeling needy?

Oh, you're blushing and saying, "I'm just nervous because you're really pretty," and now you look embarrassed you said that. But trust me, it was the right thing to say. We're such a good couple. It's totally cool if your friend's dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can't be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.

The First Time You Kissed
I am putting my bare feet on the couch next to your legs. Wow. If you didn't get the memo on that one, you're past hope. Maybe you just don't even like me. I am making this really easy, dude. My toes are now touching your leg. Did you watch me walk to the kitchen and decide my ass is too fat and now you're trying to think of an excuse to leave? Do I say something? No. My job is to wait for . . . wow, your hand is on my knee.

You're pulling me toward you. I am scared you have bad breath. Not too fast, very good, start off slow. I want to feel like you're dying to sleep with me but not like you're worried I won't. I can't believe I need everything to be perfect; it's going to be my undoing. I wonder if I'll date when I'm a single mom.

Closing my mouth a bit to slow you down worked. This is good. I should get one last thought in before I stop thinking, which is to remind myself to keep my underwear on. Oh. Right. Well, you can't touch where my underwear would be if I were wearing any.

Your First Time in Bed
Should I put my legs up in the air, or is that too much? Why am I having sex with you? Oh . . . why not? I remember when I was younger and thought I was going to be a virgin when I got married. Now that is funny.

I am so glad I didn't eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you're on top of me. It's so weird that I'm always thinking about getting married. I wonder how many times I have to have sex with you before I can make you buy better sheets. I wish I were more like you. You don't seem to have a whole lot on your mind.

When She Accepted Your Proposal
I am so in love. I am also relieved I'm not going to be a single mother. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know why there is a giant ring associated with getting engaged, because every time I look at it, I feel enormously soothed.