i have you to thank..

Saw this as a draft from November 11, 2011.  I must not have published it?  Anyway, I'll publish it now..



this post is being co-brought to you by nylon windbreakers and the gal i saw with "forgive but never forget" tattooed across her chest..

(boys, there's a treat for you at the end of this post..)

i know a majority of people read this for the "comedy" factor, if that's what you want to call it. the problem is, i spend too much time updating my facebook status with "funny" stuff, that when i want to blog i'm all out. i blame that on my need for instant validation that i'm entertaining. if i can, i'm going to stop posting less on facebook and save the "goods" for my blogging. i can hear a majority of you celebrating that you won't see my name in your news feed constantly :)

saw a Mike's Hard Lemonade bottle cap in the parking lot at work last Friday. kinda feminine, but it means the same as a beer bottle cap would.. work sucks..

today i paid someone $170 to put a new tire on my car but i made up for it by filling my own wiper fluid. i'd say that's a pretty manly day on my part..

i wish the treadmill would stop with all the "calories burned" bullshit and just tell me how much more fuckable i became..

sometimes you need to distance yourself from people, as hard as that is to do. if they care about you, they'll notice. if not, you'll know where you stand..

if no one out there is currently writing a script for "Mighty Ducks 4", then what is this all about, really?

i'm not into Zodiac signs at all. however, a coworker gal who is recently got on the topic of them and sent me stuff about Cancer's (which i am), and it got my attention. it fit me almost exactly. i read it and sent emails to some people i'm really close to and they were blown away as well. of course, i don't believe everyone born between June 21st and July 22nd is the exact same as me, but for whatever reason, i'm the walking billboard for what this site describes a Cancer as. i'll post a few of the things from that website and then comment on each section and why i think it applies to me.. here's the site: http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/cancer.htm


Cancer and Friendship:
Cancer is extremely loyal to those who appreciate and support them, they are the nurturer of the zodiac and will protect and cherish the person for a long time. One of the greatest things about Cancer is their ability to make others feel good about themselves and loved. This is because instead of doing this for themselves, they project this onto other people. This is a positive cycle because in making others feel nurtured, wanted and loved, they in return feel good for making someone feel good. Other people can lean on and depend on cancer, they will listen to people's problems and help them however they will rarely express their own deep feelings to anyone. People who want to share deep emotional thoughts and opinions with a Cancer might feel that the scales are tipped on one side for Cancer will rarely reveal it's true deep feelings. A friend of Cancer is usually a lifelong devoted friend that can be trusted.

i love helping people, and i put others happiness above my own, probably too often. i rarely talk to people about what's going on in my head, or what's dragging me down. a lot of that has to do with trusting very few people, but my happiness comes from seeing other people happy, especially the people i care a lot about. i feel like i'm a very good judge of character, and if i see something in someone that i like (they're very trusting), i try to be someone they know they can come to.


Cancer Temperament:
They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. Even when all needs are satisfied, they can be irritable and cranky. They have an uneasy, delicate temperament. The contradictory nature of Cancer gives their temperament the wild mood swings and possible temper tantrums. They are easily offended and will sulk and wallow in self pity for a long time when they get hurt.

the first sentence in this paragraph i kind of covered earlier. i write so often on facebook because i like "entertaining" and seeing people *like* what i write. for some reason, that validates me. i am easily offended if i hear negative things said about me because i try to be a solid person to everyone who deserves it. i'm trying to get rid of that trait because i know you can't please everyone and you'll kill yourself if you try.


Cancer Deep Inside:
It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don't let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people. They have an excellent memory and are very observant and can read people very well. They can usually tell of other people's intentions are good or not. Never dupe a Cancer, they can see your motives. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake.

nailed it, can't add anything to that..


What it's like to date a Cancer Man:
The Cancer man will not be direct with you. He will approach you cautiously and slowly. He will be very romantic and flirty and attempt to court you and win your heart with lavish gifts and attention. The reason he will never be direct with you is that he has a strong underlying fear of rejection. If you are interested in a Cancer man, you will probably have to make the first move and ask him on a date. He falls in love easily and will make you his whole world. Once you "belong to him", he will hold on to you and can become quite jealous and possessive. This is because he is worried he will lose you to another man and that would crush his spirit. He needs you to be loyal and faithful for he is the same, in a strong and close relationship, Cancer men are the most loyal of the astrology signs. They make excellent lovers for the tender woman who loves romance and being swept off her feet. Cancer is very affectionate and thrives on holding hands all the time, and constant physical contact as he absorbs the situation and experiences with his feelings. The Cancer man is all about feeling. He might not show it however and might portray a calm and cool exterior but underneath, he feels deeply and intensely. Cancer men are easily offended so do not jokingly make fun of them for they will take offense and get hurt, but once again, this will not be known to you. He will simply sulk on his own while he tries to figure out and dissect what you said. Cancer men are excellent male protectors, they are like the knight in shining armor. If you are the kind of woman that likes being looked after and cared for, and loves affection and devotion, this romantic, sensual man is perfect for you.

the people that know me know that i'm terrified of rejection, which is why i've "asked out" two girls in my life. one, i actually called, not sure where those balls came from..? the other, i asked out in a facebook message. neither said yes. i'm confident that i'd be a great boyfriend, but i'm not confident that "she" (whoever that may be) would be satisfied by me. i'd think she'd be looking elsewhere for someone smarter, funnier, in better shape, who has more money, etc. that's why it's so hard for me to get close to someone, i'm afraid of having my heart ripped out. i want that "fairytale" life with the girl who's perfect for me, if that exists. if not, i want the closest thing to it. i see so many people that settle for someone that doesn't give them butterflies everytime they see them, someone who they "can live with", not someone they "can't live without". to me, that's not living life to the fullest, and that's why people get divorced. i have high standards because i want something incredible. maybe that's unrealistic, but until i know for sure, that's what i'm trying to get.


How To Attract Cancer:
You must be direct, Cancer will not. Let your feelings for them be known, this is the first step to initiating a relationship with a Cancer. This way, they will not have to risk rejection, one of their biggest fears. If you are looking for a short fling, be straight with them. Do not lead them on to thinking there is long term commitment is there is none because you will hurt these emotionally delicate people. Trust is the most important. Build trust with them and they will gradually get closer to you. Give them approval and compliments but be careful because they will easily sense when you are complimenting them just for the sake of it. Be sincere. Ask Cancer for advice, share your problems (but don't burden them), they enjoy helping people and giving advice. They like culture and lavish experiences. Take them to a play or museum and a fancy, upscale restaurant. Do not force Cancer into a relationship or make them make a decision on the spot. They will shy away from you. Have patience, this is the key to attracting a Cancer. Be physical with them, they love genuine affection. They are very cautious and as time passes, they will slowly grow closer to you and you will have wonderful, fulfilling relationship.

i've been led on numerous times, and it's a shitty feeling. i usually find out in the end that i was used for the compliments and "charm", so to speak, while they had no intention of ever having a relationship. they just liked hearing what i had to say to them. i'll never blow smoke up someone's ass, if i compliment you, it's 100% sincere. i love feeling needed, so when someone comes to me for advice or just to get things off their chest, it's a great feeling. knowing that someone trusts you enough to share their intimate details is one of the best compliments you can get, i feel.


Cancer Erogenous Zone:
The greatest erogenous zone for Cancer is the chest and the breasts. Both women and men respond well to light sucking and kissing of the nipples. You must caress these areas delicately and softly. Never be rough. Stroke your fingers through Cancer man's chest hair, lightly and gently this will ignite the firey passion hidden behind the shell.

i have chest hair..


Sex With Cancer:
Cancer is very physical. Expect sex with Cancer to be a fully encompassing sexual experience. Lots of tender foreplay, massages afterwards, candles lit by the bedside, soft music in the background, delicious scented potpourri, everything to appeal to all senses. It will be delicate and passionate and an experience you won't soon forget. Do not expect too much novelty and experimentation because Cancer is a very conservative sign. Some Cancer's might be willing to try something new but they will never be the ones to suggest it, you have to or it will never happen. They might go along with your idea because they do enjoy new experiences. Make them always feel safe and secure when trying anything new and they might love it and incorporate it into your regular sex life.

better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, eh? i think the "massages afterwards" part means "early the next afternoon" though..

guys, i suggest you learn to love country music. here's why: most girls love dancing to country music. and most girls look fucking incredible in cowboy hats. have i mentioned that girls who can dance are 482 times hotter than girls who can't? i have? good. double that..

at what age do you begin to leave your blinker on at all times? probably around the same time that you become completely oblivious to anyone behind you in line at the gas station and proceed to talk about the weather, your friend in the nursing home, or lottery tickets. figure it out..

spelling and grammar is in the top 4 of traits i look for in a girl. i'm not kidding either.

i was recently going through some of my facebook messages, and reading things that people have sent me after reading my blogs, posts, etc. i will anonymously post some here because they make me happy, and i want to make myself happy for once (you don't have to leave the room).

You are way too nice of a guy!!!
So i just got done reading that 25 fact thing and think you are the biggest sweetheart that has ever came out of Rocori High School. Along with that you are way too funny for your own good as well. I hope you never change and we need to hang out more and do some more dancing!

hey
sorry that I'v been stalking your fb page. But I have to look at it just to put a smile on my face for they day. where the hell do you find your sayings and quotes?

Hi Dan!
Hope you are having a great day! I just wanted to tell you, I really enjoy reading your blog. The humor and raw honesty in your writing is great.

So this is really random
I cant help but laugh at what I'm about to say. Lol.. Your blogs crack me up,i usually catch up on before bed, so because of this I have been having the most messed up dreams..haha, just thought I'd share cause I hardly dream anymore..so thanks for all the blogging!

Hi Dan!
Thanks for the tag about your blog, as always I very much enjoyed reading it. I highly encourage you to pursue creative writing or even comedy writing.....you are very talented and have a gift with words. I apologize for how odd that may sound from someone you have not talked to in years, but I wanted to be honest with you....you have a lot of talent and recognizable passion for writing.
Aside from your blog, I hope all is going wonderful for you.

You will make someone happy... just wait. That's one heck of a Xmas gift.


these are a few examples of why i love writing. any time someone writes to me that my blog made them smile/laugh or they can relate to something i said, it makes it all worth it. so, this is a green light for anyone to send stuff to me, whether it's compliments, criticisms, things you want to read more of, less of, etc. i love the feedback. keep it above the belt though, i get offended easily (i'm a Cancer) :) (actually, there is an option at the bottom of this page to "like" or "dislike" what you read, email it, or to post it on facebook or twitter, etc. please feel free to use these tools if you want to share it..

some guys "pick up chicks approach" is to pump alcohol into a girl until she's too drunk to know her name and that he's a douchebag. if a girl is at that point, you should walk her to a cab, not your place. it's only a victory if you earned it. Barry Bonds' homeruns should have asterisks, any girl you sleep with that can't walk without assistance should have an asterisk too.. liquid steroids..

i spend most days agreeing with anything pretty girls say..

when a hot girl walks by a group (two or more) guys, those guys stare at her butt and then acknowledge it to each other. if they know one another, it could be a lengthy conversation. if they don't know each other, a knowing head-nod or "unbelievable" head-shake will do.. i feel good when i'm honest..

somehow ended up in Victoria's Secret a few weeks ago. just once, i'd like to be in there with someone willing to wear what they sell with me in private. i asked the female i was with if i was allowed to touch anything (underwear-wise, not her) or if i'd be arrested. i'm not entirely sure what the concept behind crotchless panties is..? why even wear underwear at that point? half the fun is getting there. okay, maybe less than half, but it's still pretty damn fun. then i saw the Vikings stuff and had to leave, because if anything is hotter than a girl wearing sex clothes of a team that you root for, i have yet to see it.. also unknowingly hit on a girl who works at Express who has had a boyfriend for 4 years. sorry Rachel.

my brother, Bryan received this letter from his youngest daugther before he left for deer hunting: "Dad, please don't go deer hunting. Yes No".. he was supposed to circle yes or no. cutest ever..

i recently "patched up" a friendship that was rocky for two months. basically, a sarcastic joke i had made was taken in a way i hadn't intended, she took offense to it, and we stopped chatting. now, if you read the attributes of a Cancer earlier in this blog, you probably know this was hard, since "conflict of any kind causes great distress" for me. she actually was someone i had had a crush on for a while, so that made it even harder, because rather than getting closer to her, i pushed her away unintentionally. i kept thinking that maybe eventually she would miss chatting with me. as a guy, it's always hard to know if you're doing the right thing or saying the right thing to girls that you're crushing on. you don't want to come on too strong, but you want to make them know that you're into them. of course, my main goal was to make her happy, and i thought she could be with me. i just found several things about her attractive (personality: i dug her silliness and ability to simultaneously not take shit from people and stand up for herself while not caring what people thought about her. people who have care-free attitudes and don't take everything in life too seriously are just more fun to be around. low-maintenance. and she has a positive attitude and outlook, which is always sexy. looks: f'ing hot, and i really liked her eyes).. i don't get to chat with her very often one-on-one, and maybe that's good because it would just be harder. but i know she reads these, so this is my sneaky way of letting her know what i thought.. she's now dating another guy, which of course makes me jealous in a way because i'm human. but as long as she's happy and he treats her right, i can only be happy for her. she deserves it.

Damn You Auto Correct:

lastly, i hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Thanksgiving and takes the day/weekend to reflect on the good things in their lives. i see so many negative comments on a daily basis about trivial things like traffic, homework, etc. meanwhile, thousands of families have people they love at war, unable to be with the people they care about. at the same time, millions of people have family members suffering illnesses and are unable to tell them how they feel. i highlighted a part of a book that i'm reading right now ("The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren) that fits this season:

"I have been at the bedside of many people in their final moments, when they stand on the edge of eternity, and I have never heard anyone say, "Bring me my diplomas! I want to look at them one more time. Show me my awards, my medals, that gold watch I was given." When life on earth is ending, people don't surround themselves with objects. What we want around us is people - people we love and have relationships with. In our final moments we all realize that relationships are what life is all about. Wisdom is learning that truth sooner rather than later. Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to figure out that nothing matters more."

bottom line, before your turkey-fueled nap, count your blessings and make sure the people you love and care for know how you feel. God willing, you'll have a long time to show them, but you never know when that opportunity is taken away. we're all luckier than we realize. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, have a safe weekend :)

40 Unwritten Rules to Live By - Men's Health

1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.

2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.

3. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.

4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he's your father.

5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.

6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.

7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.

8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don't mumble. And don't swing the stick.

9. The man who can't dance, can't converse, and can't provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can't cook, can't clean, and badly wants a drink.

10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.

11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.

12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.

13. Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her.

14. Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.

15. Easy on the mayo!

16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.

17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.

18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid — the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you're expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you'll become a person who probably can't be trusted.

19. Do not bring lunch to work.

20. Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.

21. You will never become a rock star.

22. As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology.

23. Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if it's so true God himself would back you up.

24. Telling a person in management, "I'm a bit of a philosopher," means you're a total loser.

25. When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.

26. Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways, when under oath in federal court.

27. Always wear freshly laundered or pressed clothing to work. Even one wrinkle will have certain coworkers creating—and perhaps sharing—scenarios of debauchery or financial distress.

28. Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston.

29. Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you're talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are.

30. When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That's for a bottle, not a gallon.

31. Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon.

32. An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance.

33. The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed.

34. It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water.

35. Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose.

36. Never suggest to another person at the gym that he's not working hard enough to accomplish anything.

37. People who live in glass houses are idiots.

38. Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health.

39. When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears.

40. Stop waiting and just go for it. Do you really have time to second-guess yourself?


as promised guys, ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews was caught in a Gatorade bath over the weekend. Enjoy:

tubthumping..

this post is being co-brought to you by Michele Bachmann and whatever the fuck "planking" is..

recently asked a female coworker what i should blog about, i found out she's a giant kissing slut. here's the conversation:


Me: I need something funny to blog about...


Female Coworker: FYI today is my half birthday so thanks for emailing me. Gifts may be sent.

Also-you should blog about people being terrible kissers…unless you are one..and then maybe you should blog about that. bahah.

Or perhaps you should blog about how annoying kids cartoons are…man I hate cartoons now. If I ever find out who made up Dora I’m going to choke them out. Also, you should blog about how everyone in St.Cloud still dresses like it’s 1985.


Me: I'm sorry..... happy half birthday.

Who have you been kissing that's a terrible kisser? I've been told I'm a "really good kisser"..

I dress bad?


FC: Thank you. Feel free to sing me half of the birthday song as well.

I have kissed a lot of people in my day (not in a super long time so don’t freak out) but there are some AWFUL ones out there. That’s good if people tell you that and I’m sure that you are. Girls never say that if they don’t mean it.

No, you dress nice.


Me: I've kissed like 5 girls :)


FC: I’d kissed like 7 by the time I graduated high school, and then about 16 more during that first two years of college and then about 5 more after that total. So roughly in my life time I’ve kissed about 28…lets make it an even 30 just because I’m sure my memory has left a couple soldiers behind.

And for your enjoyment here is my list: (in no particular order)

Matt
Ian
Adam
Evan
Chad
Casey
Jake
Ben
TJ
Brian
Jeff
Josh
Justin
Kid from Pickerington I forget his name
Jeremy
Jason
Adam R
Pre-med Kid on Baseball Team
Dennison Party Kid
Steve W
Apartment Party Kid
Shoe Store Kid
TJ T
Club Guy
Kraig
Lee
Chad
Damian
Andrew

Cosmo has recently taught me that a woman's left boob is .2 inches bigger than the right boob, on average.. pretty sure that's why most guys are right handed..

most of my "close call" car accidents occur because of me looking at a girl who's running/walking/rollerblading/biking to see if she's hot..

supermodel Marissa Miller was recently on Conan O'Brien.. the following conversation ensued between my roommate and i:

Him: oh my God.
Me: who do you think is hotter, her or Brooklyn Decker?
Him: her.
Me: k, then it's settled.. if both of them ever come over at one time, i call Brooklyn..
Him: we better go get condoms just in case..

this is a "note" that i wrote on Facebook a couple years ago but received good feedback on it, and most of the "things" still hold true, so i'll copy it here:

25 Things About Me..
by Dan Blum on Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 10:08pm

1. I'm not wearing a shirt.. Ladies, hold your applause..

2. The first time I ever got drunk was the last day of high school.. Also, I have yet to puke from drinking.. Some people call it "responsible", other people call it "being a nerd".. I'll agree with both..

3. If I have a dream about a girl I know in real life, I develop a crush on them that lasts exactly one day.. It doesn't matter if I haven't seen them in years.. Also, if I see a hot girl at the gym, I imagine having sex with her.. And by "at the gym", I mean "anywhere".. I'm under the impression many guys do this.. Be flattered..

4. One time as kids, my twin sister and I raided the medicine cabinet and put every band-aid in the house on ourselves.. We then alerted Dad when he woke up that "we fell"..

5. Few things make me happier than finding a new song or band that I like.. In fact, if I was in a leaking canoe on the ocean and i had to choose between throwing my iPod off or my mom, I'd second-guess either decision.. Also second-guessing my decision to brave the ocean in a canoe..

6. I'm (slowly) teaching myself how to play the guitar.. My brother and an ex-roommate are the reasons for this.. Both are much better singers than I am, but it has to be impossible to be bored when you can play any song you want.. I look forward to that, plus all the underwear girls will lob at me when they realize what I can do with my fingers..

7. When I like a girl, no other girl on the planet exists.. I'll do everything to make her happy, to a fault.. Evidently my brain doesn't have the "casual, fling" part that seems to be the norm in guys, which is both a positive and negative.. it's good because I know I don't have chlamydia or children i'd have to eventually tell "you were conceived before your mom and I had our first date".. Also, I have standards that are too high for everyone other than myself.. That'll pay off eventually, someday some chick will blow all the rest of the girls I thought I liked out of the water and I'll wonder what I was thinking.. It's bad because I could have had a lot of fun in the past that I've turned my back on.. It's also bad because I go into relationship-mode with every girl I like and those kind of feelings usually result in me feeling like shit, with all the fault being mine.. Oh well, too late to change now, I think..

8. I eat Strawberry Gushers no less than 2 packs at a time.. Also, I wish I was smarter sometimes.. When politicians talk, I have no idea what's going on.. I think that's bad for adulthood..

9. "When in doubt, I read Dan Blum's blogs to remind me that guys are, for the most part, good, kind, funny and sweet.".... I kept this from (name has been removed) note because it made me smile.. I began writing a blog at the request of my former roommate.. I think it was because i wrote goofy status updates and he thought I could elaborate.. It's amazing how many people who I never talk to will tell me that they read my blog, either in person or in a facebook message, etc.. I've been told to pursue a career in writing, which I would enjoy, but I think eventually I'll run out of silly shit to talk about.. I enjoy doing it and I'm glad people are somewhat entertained by it.. Thanks for the compliment, and I was thoroughly entertained by your writing as well :)

10. Thongs/g-strings aren't nearly as hot as those ones that cover everything except for the very bottom of her caboose.. i think Victoria's Secret calls them "cheekies".. wow.. In a related story, If girls didn't have boobs or vaginas or smell pretty, I wouldn't even waste my time on them.. Or the way they bite their lip and look at you all flirty-like.. or the sound they make when they kiss you.. or how cute they look when they sleep.. or how they look even cuter when they just wake up.. Dammit, I guess girls are kinda cool..

11. I could watch "Cops" for the rest of my life and never get bored, even though I think the same clothes are passed from one family to another.. Dad (or the guy living with Mom) will be wearing either a wife beater, ripped Nascar shirt, a shirt featuring his favorite beer, or topless.. He will also be drinking and smoking, getting rid of those last few teeth.. Mom will be in an oversized t-shirt, probably with Tweety Bird on it.. She'll be holding her 3 month old with one arm, ice on her bruised eye with the other, and a new baby in her belly, somehow 5 months along already.. She "ran into the door" to get that black eye, meanwhile Dad is icing his fist with a Natural Light saying "naw, we was jiss arguin' 'bout silly stuff.. she tol' me that baby might be my brothers".. But she "loves him" so she won't press charges.. It never gets old..

12. Sitting behind home plate on your cell phone and waving should be a mandatory life sentence in prison.. So should changing lanes without signaling and wearing black shoes with a brown belt..

13. There should be people who's sole job is to tell overweight girls that they shouldn't wear that shirt in public.. Apparently their friends don't want to tell them, and why should they? They're always referred to as "the hot one" then..

14. The muscle I'm concerned most with is that one that cuts from the hip to the baby-making area that chicks go ape-shit over..

15. I'm convinced coffee has cocaine in it.. also, watching fires is equally addicting..

16. I keep my bedroom as cold as I can so I can sleep with as many blankets as possible.. I HATE when my alarm is set to go off at 6:00 and I wake up at 5:52.. No shot at getting back asleep.. When my alarm goes off, my first thought is to throw it through the window..

17. If I was told I had a week to live, my biggest regret/dissapointment would be that I was never in love..

18. Not much compares to hearing lyrics of a song and knowing exactly the feeling they're trying to get across.. Song writers should get more credit than the people who sing it..

19. I melt when I'm lying on the couch and one of my neices voluntarilly climbs up next to me..

20. My sister is my best friend, and other than family I can count the people I fully trust on less than one hand.. I think being trustworthy is one of the greatest attributes someone can have..

21. When I'm driving by myself, I "play guitar" along with the rhythm.. and sing loudly..

22. I go to my parents every Sunday.. When they're not here anymore, I'll wish I had gone more.. I'm a huge mama's boy.. I wouldn't know what to do without them..

23. I don't deal well with people being mad at me.. Even if I didn't do anything wrong, I'll likely be the person to initiate contact and smooth things over.. I hate conflict..

24. I'm currently in Chicago, but when I'm home our Friday nights typically consist of beer and darts in the basement with the iPod playing.. I like that.. I don't like that the other guys usually have their girlfriends/fiances there.. They're all very cool girls, I just feel left out..

25. I hate when people say things they really don't mean.. People who are fake and only want attention is probably my biggest pet peeve.. I don't have time for that.. It's getting easier to spot too as I get older..Being genuine is the easiest fucking thing on the planet and so few people are able to do it.. Just do or say what you feel, you'll never regret it because it's what you felt at the time.. You would think that'd be fairly simple.. Whatever, I'm going to go shower and sing along with Taylor Swift.. All guys do this, right??

Comments:

·Dude..i loved every moment of this..i laughed..i did one of those girly "ohh's" and i even said to myself "what the F***"..but its real and its you..i loved it bud..get home soon so we can get together!!
January 29, 2009 at 9:22am

·You're welcome Dan, keep 'em comin' (the blogs...). Hope you are doing splendidly!!
January 29, 2009 at 12:13pm

·Your blogs are so hilarious yet, so true! Nice work!
January 29, 2009 at 2:13pm

·I highly doubt we are twins...I only agree with 24 out of 25
January 29, 2009 at 3:46pm

·I don't understand why your single.
March 21, 2011 at 7:53pm

i've found out that a lot more people read this than i thought. there's an option for me to look at where in the world people are reading this from. the results are interesting.

United States: 3,145
Canada: 64
Germany: 57
Russia: 54
Slovenia: 41
Netherlands: 35
United Kingdom: 34
Iran: 24
Bulgaria: 21
China: 18

i always love hearing feedback, so send me messages if you read this an enjoy it. tell me what you like, what i should do more of, less of, etc.

the left side of my jaw has been hurting for just over a week, so on Monday i went to get an x-ray done.. that showed nothing, so i made a dentist appointment for today.. he had me open my mouth as far as i could and said "okay.. we have a big problem".. evidently i have TMJ Disorder, which i guess if fairly common but he explained that the ligament that connects my jaw to my skull is tied in a knot and won't allow me to open fully.. also, it hurts like fuck when i bite down.. the hygienist asks me if i've ever had braces, i tell her i have not and she tells me i have "beautiful teeth".. i politely inform her that i have TMJ and cannot perform oral sex on her for at least another month, in part because that's how i acquired the injury in the first place.. i need a splint (mouthguard) to wear while i'm sleeping so it jacks my jaw back into place.. if that by itself doesn't work, i'll need physical therapy.. since i'm going to be eating strictly ice cream, pudding and yogurt for the next month, i'm glad i did those 8 pushups when i woke up this morning..

my favorite part of seeing a limo is saying, "whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or something"..

two twenty-some year old girls were having a contest with each other to see who could name the most characters from the Harry Potter movies. i wanted to make a comment about them finding guys to sleep with them but then i remembered i haven't had sex since people still liked Obama, and i've never watched a second of a Harry Potter movie..

i cried the first time i saw Michelle give Uncle Jesse her pink bunny when he was moving out..

about ten years ago (my "bad boy" stage), i had to go to court.. here's the story: i worked at a liquor store in Rockville, MN, and 97% of the time i read old ESPN magazines and played "snake" on my cell phone.. this was back in the day when cell phones didn't have color screens and texting wasn't available, or at least that's the story i'm going with.. a majority of the nights i had to spend telling drunk people that they couldn't buy any more alcohol and they'd call me a "faggot".. anyway, we closed at 10:00 p.m. every night, and i had to vacuum the vomit and broken dreams off the floor before i locked the doors.. one night, i was vacuuming and a younger person came in (i don't remember if it was a guy or girl anymore) and bought beer.. i didn't check their ID, they walked out, and a few minutes later a cop walks in.. i turn down NWA's hit song, "Fuck Tha Police" and ask if i can help him.. he asks me if i checked the ID of the person who just left, i said i did not.. he issued me a notice to appear in court, and i called the owners of the store to let them know what happened (not pleased).. at some point in the coming months, i had to go to court numerous times before this was all sorted out.. evidently they have you come to court just to tell you the next time you have to come to court.. after the guards made extra sure i didn't have any samurai swords or nunchucks hidden next to my scrotum, they advised i get a public defender to pay a good amount of money to, even though i knew i was guilty.. i even plead guilty the first time i went and the judge looked over his glasses and said "are you sure you want to do that?".. thinking he was going to give me the death penalty, i quickly retracted my statement and wished my mom was there.. i ended up getting a public defender, who did nothing to help me, and after all was said and done, i paid over $1,000 in fines and court fees.. my mug shot shows how happy i was about it (notice my "bad ass" shirt and tie):

the basketball season my senior year of high school remains the best 6-month period of my life, as sad as that may seem.. the friends i made on that team remain my best friends today.. we went to the State Tournament and ended up taking 3rd place in Class AAA, which had little to do with me.. as a junior, i didn't get much playing time and was frustrated.. i was frustrated to the point that i ended up quitting halfway through the season.. after the season was over, and over the summer between my junior and senior year, i got to thinking that i didn't want to be labeled a "quitter".. even though i didn't get much playing time as a junior, i wanted to practice really hard over the summer and see if i could help the team in any way.. our coach was (and still is) a legend in the state.. he has the 2nd most wins in boys basketball in Minnesota, and he lives less than a mile from my parents house.. that summer, in between sessions of coating my face with Clearasil, i wrote him a letter that i made a copy of and still have.. it reads:

Dear Coach Brink,

I would like to re-join the basketball team next year and I would appreciate it if you could let me know some things that I can work on. Bryan (my brother, was a starter on the 1988 team that went undefeated) has been talking to me and he said that even if I don't play much, the season is a great experience, especially the state tournament. I know we have a lot of good players next season, but I would like to be a part of it. Bryan also said that I should work on aggressiveness on defense as a priority and he thought that you would agree.

The reason that I quit this past season was that I wasn't very happy with my playing time. Bryan told me that he talked to you after the season, and you didn't agree with my lack of playing time either. I don't mean to say that I was was a great player, but I thought I deserved more than playing in 8 out of 14 games for about 5 minutes each. That really frustrated me, but I don't want to be called a quitter and that's why I would like some help with what to work on so maybe I can play next year, even if it's just a late game, clutch shooter role. If I don't really have a chance at playing next year, tell me that. If you think that if I work hard I'll get some playing time, tell me that too. But I really think we have a good team for next year and I would like to be a part of it.

I believe Bryan when he says it's a great experience because I used to watch his state tournament tapes every night when I was little and I always thought that I'd be in his position when I got older and played varsity, and I want to give it a good effort. Also, if there are any leagues this summer that I could still get into, I would like to know about them.

Well, thanks for your time and listening to what I have to say. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Have a great summer!

my coach ended up calling me a few days later to discuss the letter and encouraged me to re-join the team.. although i didn't get much playing time as a senior, it was still a very memorable span of my life and something that i'm glad i did.. i ended up being named the "most improved player" on the team, and at our "welcome home" from the state tournament, our coach talked about the letter i sent him at length and said several nice things about me..

i've written before about not being much of a drinker when i was younger (that holds true today) but as a freshman in college, i got my feet (liver) wet.. as a senior, i really didn't have any big ideas about a career or a major, and two of my close friends from the basketball team were going to Willmar to play baseball.. i decided to go there as well and live with them.. some things that i remember about that time frame:

- one roommate having to leave orientation because of the after-effects of our "move in party" the previous night..

- having the cops knock on our apartment door after witnessing two gentlemen urinating off our 2nd story balcony..

- playing "pitcher/catcher" in our hallway with a whiffle ball wrapped in tape and no protective cup..

- making weekday hour and a half roundtrips back home to get someone to buy alcohol for us..

- having to go through the kitchen to get to my bedroom, furnished with a sweet futon..

- telling one roommate such a legendary bedroom story (while sober) that he still asks me for another one to this day.. there were woodland creatures involved..

- playing the other roommate in NCAA Football on Playstation.. we kept track of the win/loss record between us and taped it to the living room wall.. it ended up being 3 or 4 sheets of paper long.. it also directly led to me failing algebra because i would wake up, grab my backpack and walk to the living room, and he would throw me a controller and say "you're not going to class today"..

- chatting online with babes all day..

- 2 for $2.22 Quarter Pounders with Cheese at McDonald's..

- a hot chick named Angela in my public speaking class.. i'm confident in saying that she didn't know the entire alphabet..

- "borrowing" my roommates notes from their class called "Study Skills" because i had the class the semester after them.. both of them had failed the class..

- one roommate having an art class and him spending an entire night drawing a lamp in his room.. he actually tried in that class because his teacher was hot..

- taking 2nd in intramural basketball..

- Taco Tuesday at Taco John's..

- the largest snowfall in Willmar history (seriously) and the subsequent days of shoveling.. i was a couple hours late to the first shoveling shift and awoke to my car buried in snow..

- me driving home every weekend in the winter despite the fact that i drove a 1990 Ford Escort and didn't own a cell phone..

- one roommate singing Nickelback songs in my bedroom..

- both roommates getting minors one night at a baseball party because i didn't answer the phone to come pick them up when they wanted to leave.. when they got home, they cooked hot dogs and we watched our high school graduation/lock-in party and made fun of classmates.. the next morning, their minors were hanging on the fridge as a "reminder" to me..

- us owning fish until Christmas break, when we turned the heat off and their tank was next to our balcony, freezing them to death..

- Absolut Mandarin and orange juice.. still nearly vomit when i see that bottle..

- watching "Jenny Jones", "Ricki Lake" and "Maury" on days we didn't go to school..

- me having to leave Algebra because i nearly vomitted on the girl next to me..

- hot ham and cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven..

- finding out the next day that a girl "would have done shit with me" if i had made a move.. story of my life..

Men's Health Tips

36 Ways To Get That Girl

Employ the two-kiss strategy.

The first one is to gauge my interest; keep it short and sweet. If I pull back, then it's not time yet--no harm, no foul. But if I linger close, waiting for more, you have the all-clear. Now kiss me in a way that will change my life.

You came to this place to hang out with your friends...

We met. Now I'm one of your friends. Keep this vibe in mind; it will give me time to decide if I want to be something more.

Offer to cook.

I'll really be impressed if you can teach me something in the kitchen I haven't seen yet.

Watch The Notebook.

So you can understand my references to The Notebook. These things matter.

I like it when you stare, especially if I'm naked.

It makes me feel dirty. In a good way.

Talk less. Kiss more.

It's counterintuitive; I love to talk. But I need a break from hearing my own voice.

I'm pretty sure you still have cell reception on your business trip.

If you don't check in at least once, I'll assume you're doing something you shouldn't be.

Do good deeds for strangers.

When you forgive a server's mistake, smile at a tired bank teller, or offer your train seat to a pregnant woman, you become an instant alpha male in my eyes.

Don't be afraid to wear your glasses.

It makes role-playing that much easier when you're already wearing part of the shy-accountant costume.

If you ever meet my ex, act civilized.

I traded him for an upgrade, and I don't want to be proved wrong.

Listening is to women what oral sex is to men: Proof that you really care.

Remember my favorite ice cream flavor, my childhood best friend's name, where my little brother goes to college--even if you have to take notes.

Texting is great for flirting, but...

when it comes time to ask me out, I need to hear your voice. No emoticons allowed.

Don't sit on anything while you're naked.

It kind of grosses me out.

Share a secret that shows me your sensitive side...

...even if you have to embellish your discomfort in confessing. That mild embarrassment only endears you to me. "Don't tell my guy friends," you'll whisper, "but I really liked The Notebook."

At a restaurant, give me the seat with the view.

I sit facing the action, you sit facing me. Get it? There's no reason for you to be looking anywhere else.

Plan a surprise party for me. At least once.

Make it a big deal. Invite all my friends. That's why Facebook was invented anyway.

Bring me something from your next trip.

Just one small thing. I'll keep it forever.

If you have something beautiful delivered to my office...

...I will sext you.

Give the perfect hug.

It lasts about 3 seconds longer than you think it should. Embrace me.

Tell me your 5-year plan.

Don't have one? Maybe it's time to make one. I feel more confident about a man who prepares for the future but lives for the moment. Your plan doesn't have to involve me right now, but it should have some room for me to imagine squeezing myself in.

Six magic words:

"I can't wait to see you." If you're excited, I'm excited. And if I'm already excited, that's less work for you in the long run.

The faster you can catch a bartender's attention...

...the more respect I have for you.

Don't tell me I look like someone famous.

Chances are I've already heard it. If you want to impress me, compare me to someone obscure but beautiful--"Wow, you remind me of Emilia Clarke." Now I have to engage you in conversation: "Who's that?" (Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones.) Or I'll Google her at work and then glow all day. Either way you win.

Buy better boxers.

You should really spend more money on your underwear.

I check your Facebook wall...

...every day to see who else is flirting with you, and whether you've changed your relationship status.

Do nice stuff for me in front of my friends.

It makes it harder for them to talk smack about you when you leave.

Sometimes I feel as if I have multiple personalities.

Adjust yours accordingly.

You love receiving oral sex no matter what.

I love receiving oral sex, but only when I can actually relax and not worry if your jaw is tired, or if I taste weird, or if you're really enjoying it. So even when my pants are off, you still have to keep seducing me. Tell me you like what I've done with the place. And then prove it.

Let's do something out of the ordinary.

If my first date with you is the last first date I ever have, it had better stand out.

I like the thought of grabbing your tie and pulling you in for a kiss.

And just watching you open your top button and loosen that tie puts me in the mood. I don't care if you work in a casual office. Wear one occasionally.

If you notice that my boots need reheeling...

...that my closet door squeaks, or that my watch needs a new battery, take care of it--without being asked. Your fixing something is like my initiating sex; it makes both of our lives a whole lot easier.

Write a song for me...

...and you've got a card you can play for the rest of my life. "I wrote a song for you, honey." Game over.

A fallback compliment that always makes me smile?

"I'm so lucky to have you." It seems authentic because you're talking about your own feelings.

If you're lousy on the dance floor...

...I'll assume you're lousy in bed. So fix that. You don't have to be Justin Timberlake to do it right; slow, controlled, and rhythmic is just fine. If you're self-conscious about your dancing, ask a female friend to help you with the basics.

Would you move into a new house without exploring every room?

My body is that house; you don't know me until you've kissed every inch of me.

All single women fear being used for sex.

So reassure me with a simple "You're great. You know that?" (If it's delivered within an hour of orgasm, it doesn't count.)

Cosmo Tips

The Move That'll Make Him Melt

We got 100 dudes on the street to confess the warm-weather seduction they crave more than any other.

48% "Jump me while I'm taking a cool shower on a scorching day."

24% "Get busy with me on a balcony in broad daylight."

15% "Let me hose you down while you're wearing a white tee shirt."

13% "Bring an ice cube to bed, and rub it over my naked body."


3 Ways Your Hotness Messes With His Head

Science has confirmed that men really do go gaga - as in, act astoundingly stupid - in the presence of an attractive woman.

He Forgets Stuff

An Indiana University study found that when guys watch the news, they'll pay more attention if the female anchor is provacatively dressed... but they won't remember a thing she's saying. Men are hardwired to focus on the visual, so it's difficult for their brain to retain new info when they're presented with a sexy image.

He Get Cocky

Noticing your ass may cause him to land on his. Researchers found that male skateboarders attempted more dangerous tricks when hot women watched. The reason? When guys are around sexy women, they experience a surge of testosterone, which makes them feel invincible.

He Seeks Instant Gratification

In a recent study, researchers had some men look at pictures of women in bikinis and others look at landscapes. Then both groups of guys were asked if they wanted a sum of money right then or a larger sum later on. The men who'd seen sexier pictures opted for the immediate payout, while the guys who looked at landscapes held off for more cash.

body out of bed..

this post is being co-brought to you by anyone who cared that Kim Kardashian was in town, and the phrase "he's ONLY making $900,000 this season" I heard on ESPN. fuck everbody..

received a LENGTHY text about a month ago from a friend of mine, admonishing how me on how i deal with girls. i'll write it out for you (skipping parts that aren't pertinent) and then give you the backstory or my point of view..

"Girls enjoy flirting with you because you're safe. Girls like that are bad news, and I know it's cool and fun to hang out with hot girls (as friends) but at some point you have to say enough. What are you getting out of these things? Nothing. You help them with their problems, do any of them care about your life, your family, your interests? They know guys like you and me are cool, funny and nice so they do what they want to get attention. That's why I stopped hanging out with ________. She said she just likes to flirt with me but we are just friends "for now." I'm not going to wait around for a shot if it ever comes. Start doing things that are good for you even if you think you're being mean or hurting someones feelings. No one is looking out for your feelings so stop worrying about everyone elses. It's tough and it took a shitty relationship and two years afterwards for me to figure this out. I don't want you to get hurt because you're the best guy I know. But start looking out for yourself and find girls that like you for you. I'm not trying to sound like a dick, I just know how girls take advantage of guys."

yes, that was a text message. my response: he's right. i have such a strong need for being liked that i get myself in situations that aren't good for me. sometimes the girls i become friends with have boyfriends, and 900% of those girls (not a typo) have problems with their boyfriend. so i become the safe guy to talk to, and even though my grand total of zero girlfriends in 28 years says otherwise, i like to think i can give good advice. to me, it's common sense. i genuinely have no desire in "stealing" these girls from their boyfriends, i don't think that's ever cool. but i try to make them see that they deserve better. is it always the guys fault? absolutely not. girls can poke and prod and test the limits, but to me it's common sense. if you continually get in screaming contests and name-calling situations, is that really a good "relationship"? has yelling and swearing ever once made a situation better? (me during Vikings games, notwithstanding). talk about it like mature adults, and if the person that "loves" you continually makes you feel like shit and makes you cry, why put yourself through that? you can leave. on the flip side, if you really think the other person is a "bitch" or a "dick", why are you with them? it's hard convincing people that they deserve better, especially if they have self-esteem issues (your truly included, i never think i deserve the girls i crush on). but if you stay in an unhealthy relationship, eventually you do deserve it. so... i'm seeing that i become the person to balance out the negative stuff they hear by telling them positive things about themselves, and that shouldn't be my job. especially if i'm not getting any sex out of the deal.... right?

isn't the goal of dating and relationships to find the person you might want to marry someday? that's another thing that blows my mind about people staying in bad situations. people don't change. you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that "loves" you one minute but makes you cry the next? maybe i'm different than other people but that sort of "excitement" and "spontaneity" isn't for me. when i think about how i want my life to be when i find the future Mrs. Danny Bunz, i envision laughing, getting to know her personality, her morals, her family, her friends, her teaching me how to cook, me kicking her ass in "Catch Phrase", teaching her about sports if she's not into them, showing her off in public, me trying to stay in shape enough that she doesn't try to hide me in public, finding music that we both enjoy, cuddling during scary movies (guys, you can tease, but tell me that's not money), showing her the 34,592,302 pictures of me wearing Hulk Hogan pajamas when i was little, finding the birth mark on her inner thigh, inside jokes, having the car break down and opening the hood to say "yep, i know what's going on" and immediately calling my dad to see what it could be so i could impress her, people watching, waking up to see her fixing her bed hair, having her back in every situation and knowing she has mine... i could go on for paragraphs but notice how i didn't say "calling her a 'bitch', making her cry at least once a week and constantly looking for someone better?" but what do i know?

recently tore down the shower rod at the apartment while slipping in the shower. so i guess shower sex is off the table. table sex though...

so 86 people were "confirmed" dead in the Norway tragedy on Saturday, and on Monday it was 68. am i the only one confused by that?

the books on top of my bookshelf are stacked randomly, i didn't place them there in any order at all. but one stack of them caught my eye, and i realized that stack of books was basically a story of my life:

from top to bottom:

"Knights and Knaves of Autumn" (a book about the history of the Minnesota Vikings).
"Men's Health Guide to the Best Sex in the World" (because fuck yeah).
"Muscle Logic" (a book i bought one of the 83 times i was going to work out).
"Idiot's Guide to Playing the Guitar" (self-explanatory).
"Eminem: The Way I Am" (Eminem's 'autobiography').
"The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook".
"Men's Health: Power Training" (one of the other 83 times).
Three random books about golf.
"The Official Insiders Story of Wrestlemania".

with the Vikings back out of a lockout, i'm reminded of the season they had two years ago and how good it was. for you non-sports fans, you'll think i'm crazy for remembering things that happened in games that long ago, but other hardcore fans know exactly what i'm talking about. besides, if something is important to me, i remember it. remember CHG from a couple years ago? i remember what she wore on our "first date". i remember what movie we went to. i remember not eating that day, then drinking wine and sitting in the hot tub, culminating in me passing out and bouncing my head off the kitchen floor. i remember a lot of stuff for someone who likely suffered an undiagnosed concussion. anyway, during the NFC Championship Game, i had a gal over who i would eventually have sex with (not that night, i was too depressed. but she fit what i was talking about earlier where she was clueless about sports but she knew it was important to me, so she wore a tight Vikings jersey. she also knew her boobs were important to me). anyway, i'm trying to balance my emotions of my favorite sports team needing to win this game to go to their first Super Bowl in my life time, and trying to to appear too psychotic that this girls leaves and reports the authorities. you can imagine the rollercoaster of emotions after we score first, then proceed to fumble four times (twice inside the 20 yard line?) and throw an interception right before attempting the game-winning field goal in overtime. i didn't cry (unlike the loss in the 1998 NFC Championship Game) but she did let me rest my face in her boobs, which healed me until i saw Sportscenter. and to her credit, she barely made fun of me, she knew how important it was to me. which goes back to the text that i started this post off with, "does anybody care about your feelings?" she did, and that's what made her stand out at the time.

there have been 103 Twins games this year, and 103 different weather girls that tell you the forecast for tomorrow's game. and we wonder why the state has no money?

a guy that i know recently had the opportunity for a booty call and he passed it up to play video games. in his defense, they had done this previously and feelings were starting to get involved. he said it was a "bigger headache than what it was worth." to which i said, "Cosmo says sex relieves headaches".. he probably made the smart choice but as a guy, it's my job as a man to make fun of him for passing up sex.

my left foot might be slightly bigger than my right. i bought shoes that don't require tying shoestrings (or strapping velcro), just slip on dress shoes. the right foot was a little looser. according to the old wives tale, that might be why my right testicle hangs lower than the left. i think that's correct but i'm sitting at my desk at work and someone may frown upon me dropping my pants to inspect my testicles. slave-drivers.

a few weeks ago, i was sent to Chicago for work. one of the nights we were there, my coworkers and i went to a restaurant called Dicks Last Resort. evidently there are a few of them around the country, and they have a pretty cool theme. they're just rude to everyone. first of all, the "plate" you use for appetizers is a paper towel. the waiter will yell out the menu that's written on the wall, tell you what's good and what's terrible, then take your order by saying "what do you idiots want to eat?" another thing that happens here is they make paper hats, write insults on them and then put them on customers heads. a few that i can remember off the top of my head: "hairiest one at the table" (given to a female), "smokes more sausage than Jimmy Dean", "if it vibrates, i own it", "black guys only", etc. we were seated close to a table with four teenage girls, eventually three of the four had hats and the fourth one asked why she didn't get one. "because i only give hats to pretty girls." awesome. by the end of the night, our entire 22 person table had hats. i pulled off a little trickery of my own at the end of the night when the girl sitting next to me went to the bathroom and i gave her my hat ("my penis looks like a penis, only smaller") and she wore it on the way out the restaurant. i want to work there.

last month, in my attempt to show that i could probably write in the "Ask Him Anything" part of Cosmo, i answered a question. well last night in the sauna, i actually read the issue for the first time and what the actual writer had to say. i seriously had not read this at all. he made several of the same points. here is the question, and my response:

Q: "During the past few dates I've been on, I've been told that I'm "intimidating." What does it mean when a guy says that?

Me: It could mean a few things. The worst thing it could mean is that you give off an impression of being stuck up or bitchy, and that's intimidating. The best one would be that you come off as successful and intelligent, and that intimidates him. A simple way to "fix" either: ask him questions about himself - his job, does he like what he does, what would he rather do, his family, hobbies, etc. When he says something that you can relate to, say a few things about it and allow him to ask questions as well. Neither person should dominate the conversation, it should flow easily if it's going well. This way, you appear interested in him (bonus points if you actually are) and you're able to speak about the qualities you have without appearing to put yourself on a pedestal. If your being "intimidating" is an ongoing theme, however, you may need to work on your genuine personality. No one wants you "faking it."

Cosmo's answer: I'm going to be brutally honest here: It' means you're giving off a bitchy vibe." There are a few things women do on dates that could erroneously make a guy think this. For starters, she might be so eager to impress him that she'll talk up her accomplishments in a way that comes across as if she's one-upping him: the more exotic vacation she took, the busier schedule she keeps, the crazier college story she has. Or if she's nervous and clams up, men can misinterpret that as standoffishness and think she's the kind of woman who sits back and waits for the guy to wow her. To seem approachable, ask your date about himself, and done feel you always have to respond with your own story. Guys like follow-up questions. Also, at some point, tell him that you're having fun - it'll reassure him that he's on the right track.

Cosmo Tips

Guys Rate 50 Sex Moves

in the latest issue, one story is about how guys rate sex moves. i picked my favorites:

- Calling him while you're masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you're going to make later that night.

- Taking his hand and pressing it against your underwear so he can feel how turned on you are.

- Lightly licking along his jawline, ending at the supersensitive spot in front of his ears.

- Taking his tongue into your mouth and lightly sucking on it like you would his penis.

- Biting his lowe rand upper lips - hard.

- Grabbing his butt cheeks and digging in with your nails as you're going down on him

- Putting the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth, so his penis hits the underside of your tongue - making it feel like you're taking him all the way in.

- Sucking on the patch of skin between the base of his penis and his balls.

- Tugging down on his balls while you have his penis in your mouth.

- Asking him to finish on your breasts.

- Keeping his penis in your mouth after he climaxes, and continuing to suck on it lightly.

- Getting on top and telling him not to move a single muscle - you control the pacing while he sits back and watches.

- Digging your nails into his shoulders and raking them down his back when he's on top, leaving red marks.

- Leaning over the arm of the couch and asking him to enter you from behind.

- Handcuffing him to the bed without saying a word.

- Asking him to spank your butt.

Men's Health Tips

30 Secrets Every Woman Keeps from Her Man

The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them.

But there are a lot of things you don't know.

A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman's deepest secrets that don't—and never will—include you.

You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.

1. My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals—from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings—and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.)

Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even—in fact, especially—if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.

2. Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

3. When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

4. I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.

5. I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.

6. I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

7. I have Googled your exes.

8. When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.

9. My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.

10. I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.

11. I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.

12. When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.

13. When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).

14. You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

15. I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

16. I want you to talk a little dirty.

17. At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.

18. I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs—all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

19. I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.

20. I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"

21. I check out your butt every time you leave the room.

22. I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"

23. I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you—through him.

24. Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.

25. I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.

26. Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.

27. I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.

28. If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.

29. When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.

30. I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.

"Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she's seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.