paralyzed..

this post is being co-brought to you by people who bring Target carts into the mall and use it only to push their kid around, people who refuse to turn their headlights on in the fog, and the old guy i saw on my way to work this morning who slipped while taking a walk on glare ice.. i laughed when i realized he was okay..

last week i sprained an ankle while sleeping.. stepped out of bed in the morning and almost fell over in pain.. i sleep rough..

i saw "True Life: Love Triangle" on MTV last week where this dude cheated on his girlfriend, got the other girl pregnant, and now is "in love" with both girls and can't understand why both of them aren't down with it.. how does this end up on television? i don't understand the process.. do these morons contact MTV and say "hey, we have this bizarre love triangle thing going on and we're all unattractive, want to film us?".. and either this guy was the world's greatest actor, or he was genuinely flabbergasted that the girl he cheated on didn't want any part of him anymore.. i need to hang out with guys like him.. for the entertainment value..

this next story involves CHG and needs a little bit of a back story to make sense.. as you already know, she attends a Physician's Assistant school in Ohio, so seeing her wasn't possible.. she mentioned that she had a web cam, i think to talk to her parents or something while she was at school.. she eventually convinced me to get one so we could actually see each other while we chatted, considering she wasn't coming home until Christmas and considering i thought she had a well above-average looking face.. (also, thanks to the Best Buy checkout girl who said "don't do anything naughty with that" while my dad was with me, always a comfortable situation.. evidently she saw American Pie.. think Dad missed that one).. anyway, we had done the "web cam date" a few times and the weekend before Thanksgiving she said we should do that again soon, and suggested Wednesday.. since my nights solely consist of eating, thinking about going to the gym and deciding not to, and watching my roommates play PlayStation 3, Wednesday was fine.. i was getting off work early, so i suggested our "date" start at 7:30 p.m. and she agreed.. so around 7:25, i go in my bedroom and shut the door to avoid the inevitable teasing from my roommates, and sign onto the web cam site.. she's a few minutes late, so i text her to see what's up.. she says she's just signing on but in the meantime she has a joke.. "knock knock".. "who's there?".. "me :)".. and someone knocks on my bedroom door.. me being the world's dumbest human being, i think it's my roommates and totally ignore it for about 5 minutes.. finally, one of my roommates says "hey, i have to ask you something", and i open the door....... CHG is laying on our love seat, apparently exhausted from all the unanswered knocking.. she had surprised me by showing up in my living room the night before Thanksgiving.. she hadn't even told her parents she was coming home, just her brother because he had to pick her up, and a friend of hers because girls tell each other everything.. she had kept it a secret from everyone for 6 weeks that she was coming home, no small feat.. i was seriously speechless that she had done that, to the point that she thought i was mad she was there.. when you talk to someone basically every day for 4 months and they unexpectedly show up in your living room one night, it's quite a surprise, in a good way.. that will go down as legendary..

how many fucking times do you have to wash and dry new bath towels before they stop leaving those fucking fuzzy things on you after you shower?!? FUCK!!!!

last Friday night, a former roommate was in town for Christmas and stopped by with his Nintendo Wii.. so we drank a lot of alcohol and played (after stretching, of course).. when we were done with that, the topic of beer pong came up.. we tried brainstorming to come up with a place to play because it would be cold in our garage where the ping pong table is.. the living room floor wasn't an option because another roommate had to work in the morning.. the kitchen table was too short.. we finally decided to turn on the heat in the garage and tough out the 40-degree temperature.. one other problem.. no plastic cups.. one roommate offered to drive to Walmart to get some, "it's a mile away and i've only had four beers".. Wii Owner/Ex-Roommate "no, don't drive.. you'll get a DUI and we won't have enough people to play".. solid.. this led to us rummaging the kitchen cupboards to find every glass/mug/coffee cup/ICEE cup in the house.. finally finding the requisite 20 drinking apparatus' for play, we headed out into the Arctic Circle known as the garage.. when one of your rules is "you must drink if you slip and anything but your hands and feet touches the ground", you know it's a bit cold.. we found two ping pong balls resting comfortably in a liquid that was dirty water in the best-case-scenario and transmission fluid mixed with battery acid in the worst-case-scenario.. never the type of guys to delay the start of a drinking game for trivial things like "possible death by poison", we rinsed them off in the "ball wash cups" which were wine glasses for the first time in history.. an exhausting 5-game series won by the bad guys led to the obligatory pizza delivery at 2 a.m. which one of the victors missed because he was locked in the bathroom, vomiting.. we saved him some pizza.. (side note: someone who reads this and is closely linked with Wii Owner/Ex-Roommate owes me a Tippy Cup Championship Belt.. make it happen)..

our family spent Christmas at my brother's family's house.. we did the gift opening in the afternoon and the night was spent playing board games and drinking wine.. the three games we played were Catch Phrase, Apples to Apples and Loaded Questions.. i had never played Loaded Questions before but i think it was my favorite one.. the short version of how to play is this: a person rolls the dice, moves that many spaces and picks up a "loaded question" card.. then they must read the question that corresponds to the color of the space they landed on.. for example: "if you could have one magic power, what would it be?".. then the person to the right over the roller reads off all the answers, and the roller has to guess which answer belongs to which person.. hilarity ensued.. animals, countries and body parts were invented.. i answered the question of "where would be the worst place you'd find yourself tomorrow?" with "Clay Aiken's bed", much to the delight of the family.. i think Mom elected to go read "Curious George" to the grandkids about the same time i voted "Scarlett Johannson's breasts" as the "greatest invention ever" and "bra" as the "worst article of clothing someone could wear".. your baby boy has all growsed up, Mom :)

speaking of Mom, my favorite gift at Christmas wasn't something that was given to me.. it was the $130 heart-shaped necklace that Dad gave to her.. our family isn't one to say the "i love yous" so that's about as mushy as we get.. the best part? he picked it out himself.. i guess romance isn't dead..

my nieces combined to increase my desire to have my first-born be a girl.. they get cuter every time i see them.. i have some adorable nephews as well but the girls are more likely to climb up with you in the chair and snuggle, whereas the boys are running around all hopped up on the bag of Twizzlers they just crushed.. one of my nieces "tickled" me all Christmas day, and her idea of tickling is putting her hands by your neck and moving them around frantically.. and when i wouldn't laugh (because she wasn't touching me), she'd get mad.. so i had to fake laugh, then she'd laugh.. and her laugh is super adorable..

these traits are unattractive, take notes:

- smoking
- talking and caring only about yourself
- seeking attention from multiple members of the opposite sex
- complaining constantly about something in your life
- changing your personality
- dressing uber-whorish
- being obnoxiously drunk


text of the week: FWD: Scientists have discovered that ALL women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.


a few interesting (see: sexual) things from the current issue of Men's Health:

- 2 signs that as a guy, you're good at sex.. 1) After sex, she seems completely out of it. When you hit all the right spots in all the right ways, it tends to short-circuit a girl's brain and body - her voice gets thicker, her limbs go all floppy, and all the tension drains out of her face. 2) When she finally does come to her senses, she cuddles up next to you and whispers sweet things in your ear. Authentic orgasms break down a girl's defenses and makes them feel clingier than a koala bear.

- according to 2,446 women polled, here's what's most important for their men to do:

* Arouse me before sex: 82%
* Be a good kisser: 81%
* Be sexually spontaneous: 63%
* Tell me how great I was: 55%
* Let me take control: 52%
* Be up for the next round quickly: 32%
* Set the mood with lights, music: 31%

Men's Health asked 1,328 women to grade men in certain categories in 2008, and how to improve in '09.. show this to your wife or girlfriend and then let her play teacher:

In The Bedroom

Imagination: C

She may not say it, and women tell us you don't sense it: She wants both of you to be more adventurous. When we filtered our survey for unsatisfied women, two of out three complained that sex is basically the same every time. So why doesn't she say something? "Sometimes women feel trapped in dull sex lives," says sexologist Gloria Brame, Ph.D., M.P.H. Our culture can condition women to sit back and wait, Brame says, It's up to you to break through.

Playfulness: B

What does Jude Law have in The Holiday that too many men lack? Charm, wit, and a childlike playfulness. But hey, Jack Black landed Kate Winslet. Fun guys score high: 93 percent of women say playful men are hot, and 60 percent love playful sex. "It lets men and women laugh, let their guards down, and not be afraid to look ridiculous," says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., a sex researcher at Indiana University. "It makes people feel more genuine and loving toward each other." Most men scored well, but we can do better.

Use fun foreplay as a transition to more focused sex. According to Herbenick, you almost can't be too wacky: Grunt like a caveman and carry her into bed; play naked Twister; or treat sex like a workout, counting thrusts like reps. Resolve to laugh about mishaps or noises. The more relaxed she is, the easier it is for her to orgasm.


a return to the interesting things in the "read this and be really good at sex" book:

The Most Important Thing: Liking Each Other

Sorry to get all cheeseball on you, but it's true: The first step to a marriage that lasts - and to having great sex for all of it, not just the first 3 years - is liking the person you're with, says British expert Phillip Hodson, author of How Perfect Is Your Mate? "The initial honeymoon phase must end - there's nothing you can do about it." The most important factor, he says, isn't how attracted you are to one another, but how similar you are and how much you have in common. "To be happily married for a long time, you need the basis for a truly excellent friendship, or chances are that you're not going to survive."


What do women want? The want a neurotic roommate, a best friend, a charming and thoughtful date, a tender and nurturing boyfriend, and an ardent, innovative lover who provides blisteringly great sex on command. All in one guy.

German psychologists conducted a study in which they learned that people who kiss their spouses each morning live 5 years longer than those who don't. Kissers also have fewer car accidents and fewer sick days, and earn 20 to 30 percent more money.


Be the World's Best Lover

The challenge: To deliver torrid, red-hot, sultry affair-worthy sex.

How you rate:

Not good enough: You do. She doesn't. You fall asleep.

Bare minimum: You do. She does. You fall asleep.

Good boy: you do. She does twice, thanks to your magic fingers and that favorite little trick you'll learn in Chapter 8.

Bonus points: You do. She does, too many times to count - but at least once during the erotic massage, once during the tongue bath, once in each position, and then a couple times with the vibrator you surprised her with.


In a study, two-thirds of women surveyed claim they had the best sex of their lives with their husbands.


note: in Chapter 9, page 177 starts with the title "The Main Course" and includes the sentence, "Lick her as if she were an ice cream cone. With sprinkles. And hot fudge." i'll let you guess what that's about.. needless to say, it's bookmarked..


had this exchange with a friend at the bar on Saturday night:

Friend "what are you doing for New Years?"
Me "no clue"
Friend "want to go VIP at bars in the Cities?"
Me "how much does it cost?"
Friend "don't worry about it"
Me "yep"
Friend "cool, we're going to either The Drink or Sneaky Pete's"

sounds like i'll need to be dusting off the condom drawer, ties, pick-up lines and "Buns of Steel" video.. i don't have many rules in life, but one of them is "never pass up the opportunity to go VIP to something called Sneaky Pete's".. hopefully it works out and things are interesting enough to be used as a running diary on here..

i plan on finding a girl i could see joining me in an effort to produce an attractive child born illegitimately on roughly October 1st, since condoms with a June 2003 expiration date likely fall apart or start on fire upon touching a vagina.. i'll look for a girl who's dying to get out of a conversation with a 'roided out douche bag telling stories about his max in the deadlift by pretending i'm her boyfriend, then get punched in the face by said douche bag which will subsequently lead to sympathy sex, preferably with the girl i "saved" :)

when that falls through, plan B will be finding the girl who started drinking about 13 seconds after (hopefully) remembering to take the Pill with lunch.. since it's 10+ hours later, she's quickly losing her inhibitions and underwear on that bar with the pole..

and since we all know who i am, the most likely scenario is plan C: i sit around looking at hot girls, figuring they wouldn't be able to spell "dog" if i spotted them the consonants and they'd be confused by my use of big words like "career".. inevitably, someone i'm with will tell me that a girl looked at me and i won't believe them.. i have this thing where if i think a girl is worth it, i'm afraid of trying anything because i'll get shot down and embarrassed and ruin everything.. and if i think a girl wants to be with me, i figure she must not be that great.. and i'm finally starting to realize that not every girl that shows even a mild amount of interest in me has to be "the one".. i had this wine-induced chat with the brother at Christmas where i said it sucks that all my siblings always have a significant other at holidays, and every other roommate in the house has a girlfriend and that's probably part of the reason i get the itchy-relationship trigger.. he said he's learned that it's better to have no girl than the wrong one, as he's been privileged to learn a couple times.. he's been through relationships where he thought he was with the right person, it ended and he thought his life was over and he'd never find that with someone else.. now he's married and has two of the cutest daughters on earth.. even through the "wine goggles", i saw his point: that it takes a long time to figure out who's best for you.. we all know what wine does to me, luckily a hot tub wasn't present or i'd be nearing Troy Aikman's concussion record..


Lyrics of the Week

"Shattered (Turn The Car Around)" by O.A.R.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around


"I Had A Bad Day Again" by Three Doors Down

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day again"

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day again"

And she swears there´s nothing wrong
I hear her playing that some old song
She puts me off and puts me on

And had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
Left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day again"
Noooo Ohhh

And she swears there´s nothing wrong
I hear her playing that some old song
She puts me off and puts me on

Oh and had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day...again"

She left a note and said, "I´m sorry I, I had a bad day..."


"Sorry" by Buckcherry

Oh I had a lot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all of your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

This time I think I'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah
Sorry!

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue
I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby.
Yeah, I'm sorry.


"Without You" by Hinder

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
Its safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you

Called you up cause’ it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine,
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
I just wanna be alone tonight,
I just wanna take a little breather.


"Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?

You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could


"Troublemaker" by Weezer

Put me in a special school,
Cuz I am such a fool,
And I don't need a single book to teach me how to read
Who needs stupid books?
They are for petty crooks,
And I will learn by studying the lessons in my dreams
So turn off the T.V.
Cuz that's what others see
And movies are as bad as eating chocolate ice-cream
They only sicken me
Don't let me play football
I'll sack the quarterback and jack the brother of the ball

I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up.

I picked up a guitar,
What does this signify?
I'm gonna play some heavy metal riffs and you will die
You wanted arts and crafts
How's this for arts and crafts?
(Electric guitar solo)
That's Right!
I'm growing out my hair
I'm moving out to Cherokee
I'm gonna be a rockstar
And you are gonna bear with me
Cuz I can't work a job
Like any other slob,
Punchin' in and punchin' out and suckin' up to Bob
Marryin' a beeyotch,
Havin' seven keeyods,
Givin' up and growin' old,
And hopin' there's a god.

I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up

I'm gonna be star
And people will crane necks
To get a glimpse of me
And see if I am having sex
And studying my moves
They try to understand
Why I am so unlike
The singers in the other bands
I'm such a mystery
As anyone can see
There isn't anybody else
Exactly quite like me
And when it's party time
Like 1999
I'll party by myself because I'm such a special guy

I'm a troublemaker
Never been a faker
Doin' things my own way
And never giving up.
I'm a troublemaker
Not a double-taker
I don't have the patience to keep it on the up.


"Better With You" by Five Times August

So maybe I've got a lot to learn.
Or maybe I'm just hangin' on my words.
Maybe it's not a big concern.
But, if I raise my hand will I understand why I'm better with you?

So maybe there's not a lot to say
Or maybe i've grown doin' things my way (Yeah)
Or maybe things will be okay.
But if I get it together and do something clever, I'll make it better with you

So tell me, where did I go wrong before you?
Before you came along, well it seems like i was lost.
You showed me how to do things right, now I'm, so glad that now you're mine.
So let me say it all again.

So maybe there's not a lot to do.
or maybe I'm just makin myself confused.
Or maybe i've got nothin' to lose.
But if I get out of line, just tell me you're mine, and how I'm better with you.

So tell me, where did I go wrong before you?
Before you came along, well it seems like I was lost.
You showed me how to do things right, now I'm, so glad that now you're mine.

So use me, don't let me screw it up.
I believe you oh, I need your touch.
Just a little spice of you could never be too much
I believe you oh, I need you now
to make it better all somehow.
To make it better all somehow.

So tell me, where did I go wrong before you?
Before you came along, well it seems like I was lost.
You showed me how to do things right, now I'm, so glad that now you're mine.

So use me, don't let me screw it up.
I believe you, oh, I need your touch.
Just a little spice of you could never be too much.
I believe you oh, I need you now
to make it better all somehow.
To make it better all somehow.


"Mean To Me" by Tonic

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on it's own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you
will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind
to speak at me
How far can it be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

Do you think that it got up and left
for good this time?
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fucking mean to me?
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be so mean to me?


"On Your Porch" by The Format

i was on your porch
the smoke sank into my skin
so i came inside to be with you
and we talked all night,
about everything we could imagine
cause come the morning i'll be gone
and as our eyes start to close,
i turn to you and i let you know,
that i love you

well my dad was sick
and my mom she cared for him
her love it nursed him back to life
and me i ran,
i couldnt even look at him,
for fear i'd have to say goodbye
and as i start to leave he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,

whats left to lose,
you've done enough
and if you fail well then you fail,
but not to us
cause these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

so now here i sit,
in a hotel off of sunset
my thoughts bounce off of sam's guitar
and thats the way it's been,
ever since we were kids but now,
now we've got something to prove

and i,
i can see their eyes
but tell me something,
can they see mine?

cause whats left to lose,
i've done enough
and if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot
and these last three years,
i know they've been hard
but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone

even if it's alone

i was on your porch last night,
the smoke it sank into my skin