i should be sleeping..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the guy who, when asked, "did you get a haircut?", replies, "no, i got them all cut".. hilarious..

what happened to the good ol' days when only one blade on a razor accomplished what you needed? the Mach 3 razor that i own accomplishes the following: first blade: cuts hair.. second blade: cuts skin.. third blade: opens wound requiring a tourniquet.. when shaving requires a first aid kit and a Boy Scout on standby, maybe we're being a bit aggressive with the razors?

why are alarm clock rings the most annoying sound in the history of the world? if it's loud, we're going to wake up, we don't need to wake up pissed off at the world.. and i could have swore that on/off button was on the top right when i went to bed, why is it nowhere to be found right now? most weekdays begin with me blindly and half-consciously reaching over to my alarm clock, slapping at it a few times before saying "are you fucking kidding me?" and having to sit up half naked and inspect it like i'm disconnecting a bomb.. and how long does the snooze button last these days? 15 seconds? in a related story, i'm not a morning person..

i hate when sales people try to sell me a service agreement.. they always try to sell it like "in case something should happen after the factory warranty expires, you'll be able to fix it free of cost if you buy this 2-year service agreement for $3,000".. what they really should say is "you want this because i get commission on it and our product is designed to break down 5 seconds after the warranty expires".. i usually get suckered into it because i don't want to pay the $595 it costs to get a new fan in a laptop computer.. i'm flaky..

spent time in Boston over the winter for work and came to this conclusion: 95% of people who ride a train are clinically insane.. we were on a train riding into downtown Boston and we got delayed a little bit when this guy starts screaming at the top of his lungs for the train to start moving.. either he a) forgot to take his medication, b) was pissed at an offseason Red Sox move, or c) was late for his job interview at MIT..

get this, i bought a medium popcorn and large Icee at the movie theater for $10.50 and neither had the decency to massage my inner-thigh at any point.. even during the previews.. how does this make any sense? at that price, i kinda wish i would have eaten the popcorn a little slower but it's been scientifically proven that you can't eat popcorn less than one handful at a time.. basically you're racing other movie-goers to see who can get done first, like you've all been stranded on a deserted island for the past 6 months.. classic.. but this is where you get your money's worth: you get a free refill if you finish your large soda.. so if you're still thirsty after you suffer a diabetic seizure from the bathtub full of sugar and syrup water, you're in luck..

here's the scene in 100% of restrooms that have automatic hand dryers: step 1: place hands under blower.. step 2: rub hands briskly.. step 3: wipe hands on pants.. like death and taxes..

i love watching halftime cheerleading routines where the girls look like they just met about 5 minutes before game time and hastily ran through a routine.. usually one girl has some idea of what's going on (which is negative because at some point it will require multiple girls to catch the one falling face first from the top of the pyramid) and the rest of the group is about .5 seconds behind and sneaking glances at the "captain".. all while rocking that glued-on smile.. so good..

one of my roommates likes to use my computer when i'm not home.. wait, it gets worse.. when i get home, a lot of the times the wallpaper on my computer has been changed to a nude, obese woman with her legs spread wide open.. i'll just look at it and say, "really?" and he'll break out laughing.. i don't want to know where he finds websites for that stuff.. that's what i live with, never boring..

so let me get this straight.. the guy on "Man Vs. Wild" on Discovery eats yak livers and eyeballs to stay alive? and he makes toothpaste out of leaves? and sunscreen out of coconuts? and he kills rabbits with boomerangs? i might have to change my "if you were ever stranded on a desert island, who would you want with you" person.. it might be Bear Grylls.. apologies to Megan Fox..

there was a fight in the WNBA last week which resulted in multiple suspensions and one torn ACL.. imagine if this happened in a sport anyone gave a shit about..

a couple weeks ago i was asked to sub for a softball team and when we got to the field, there was a little league baseball game wrapping up.. i'll paint the picture: 6 infielders looking at ants and scuffling their feet, yelling at the pitcher to throw strikes.. 75 outfielders throwing their gloves at each other and giggling, cutest ever.. a pitcher who's bawling because he can't throw strikes, a catcher who throws the ball past the pitcher 70% of the time and coaches who are wondering why they signed up for this.. at least there were no psycho parents there yelling at any kids.. they play for the fun of the game, not to be Joe Mauer.. they'll grow into that.. i thought it was awesome..

if your kid believes in Santa Claus, they'll also believe this: "your mom and i were just 'wrestling'".. use it on a rainy day or night..

at a Joe Nichols concert in my hometown this past weekend when a girl that, until then, was only known to me as "the hottest cheerleader of my high school era", informed me that she's a fan of my blog (hopefully she's not offended by that, besides she's married and has a daughter.. lets calm down people.. i appreciate her being my "biggest fan" however.. hope the coffee's good and baby is still sleeping, lol).. anyway, her and my sister combined to give me some girl advice, which was "don't think about it so much and it'll just happen".. which i'm sure is true but that's easy to say when you're married and have a kid or have been in a relationship for over a year and a half, as they are, respectively.. when you're 25 and see that, combined with one of your roommates getting engaged within the past month, it's harder to do.. but i see their point.. the Open Air '08 diary from a few posts ago was embellished for entertainment purposes, it was an ongoing joke throughout the night, but it feels like everyone else is in relationships so it's like "hmm, maybe i should give that a try".. ha.. i see guys who are dating girls and then are hung up on other girls strictly for superficial reasons and i'm like "really? is that what we're still doing?".. oh well, i'm still young.. at least i haven't texted those late night "date commercials" yet.. that's probably the final straw..