7 minutes in heaven..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy at Old Chicago last night who was bald but had a mullet and the lady at my work who watches CNN in the lunchroom and exhales loudly to express her disdain for Hillary Clinton..

alright, first of all, i'd like to apologize for the brief "vacation" i took from blogging (it looks like a little over 2 weeks).. i have a good reason, as unbelievable as that reason may be.. the "cute girl from my hometown" who i referenced in my last post was home on break from school and we took our Facebook/texting relationship and shifted it to a phone call/face-to-face thing and i had limited time to think of nonsense to write about and spend in front of the computer.. so, as far-fetched as it seems that a "blogger" can hang out with a real-life pretty girl, it's true.. and as disappointed you are in my refusal to blog instead of hang out with said Cute Hometown Girl, i'm equally happy to have done it because of her level of coolness.. (also, her eyes and smile could have melted that damn iceberg that the Titanic ran into and we could have averted that whole disaster).. so there.. but keep reading my silly crap anyway and send me several monetary donations, as it seems that Cute Hometown Girl and i combined to surpass my 1,000 texts a month limit to the tune of an extra $160 on the cell phone bill.. totally worth it.. (yes, i was bright enough to change my plan to unlimited texting, even before i got the bill.. and thanks for welcoming me to 2008)..

i would pay $3 million to shoot paint balls at the decision-makers who allowed that truck to make beeping sounds at 8 a.m. on my day off Monday morning..

i invent swear words while golfing and yell them whenever i deem necessary on the golf course..

the name and the design on the bottle is the most important thing when it comes to purchasing wine.. in the last month i have purchased wines named "Fat Bastard", "Woop Woop" and "Little Black Dress".. had a minor experience with "Little Black Dress" which i'll explain later.. spoiler alert: if you're a fan of me being conscious, you may not like the ending..

things the Olympics have taught me:

- if it's raining during a women's beach volleyball match, it should be televised on Cinemax after 11 p.m... like one gentleman in my fantasy football league put it last night, we could draw Misty May's vagina at this point, we've seen it so much..

- if you want to play women's beach volleyball in the Olympics for Belgium, you must be at least 6 months pregnant..

- if you want to run in the Olympics as a female, you must either look like a Victoria's Secret model or Andre the Giant..

- Chinese gymnasts and Dominican Republic little leaguers get their birth certificates from the same place..

- if a marathon is being run, a camera will be on the leader for the duration of the event, which is about 4 hours.. we all know a lot can happen during a 26.2 mile race on foot..

- not much is funnier than Bela Karolyi attempting to speak English on HD television.. unless you count George W. Bush attempting the same thing..

- if you're Russian or Chinese, you can coach the U.S. Gymnastics team..

- the only acceptable post-routine congratulations between Chinese teammates is the double high-five..



participated in a fantasy football auction last night for the first time (have only drafted in previous years).. a few things of note: my roommate was more drunk than any human participating in a fantasy football event in history, and that's saying something.. he taught the babies in the other room a few swear words which i'm sure their parents appreciated.. beer still tastes good with pizza.. Adrian Peterson is on my team, so you can make the championship trophy out to "Bert Loves Ernie" (my team name, catchy right?).. also on my team is something called "Alge Crumpler", if that name doesn't scream "champion"... well, it doesn't, but i have Adrian Peterson..

the best part of fantasy football drafts/auctions is the trash-talking.. of the 9 other guys participating in the league, i've never met 5 of them.. that didn't stop me from peppering them with comments like: "whoa, are you sure he's still alive?".. "will his Canadian League stats count?".. "i like my quarterbacks to throw it to his team".. "so, who'll be your running back after week 4?".. "wait, do we get points for fumbles this year?".. ahh, boys will be boys (read: immature)..

and the main event, what we've all been waiting for.. The Blackout Episode.. first of all, i'd like to preface this by saying prior to Tuesday, August 12th, 2008, i have never puked or passed out from the consumption of alcohol.. in fact, i haven't puked since i had the flu probably 15 years ago.. also, don't get used to posts which give dating play-by-play, obviously not everything is for public knowledge.. this story is different, however.. anyway, on this day, a date with Cute Hometown Girl had been planned.. so, on my way home from work i stopped at the liquor store to get some Pinot Grigio wine, which she mentioned was her favorite, so i wrote it down to find it (ladies, hold your applause.. boys, hold your boos and vulgar comments questioning my sexuality).. this was the aforementioned "Little Black Dress" wine, by the way.. after going to see "Step Brothers", which was very funny, we came back to drink wine and sit in the hot tub.. after being a gentleman and offering Cute Hometown Girl the choice of drinking her wine from a standard wine glass or a plastic "Macho Man" Randy Savage ICEE cup circa 1989, we had a couple glasses of wine while watching the Olympics then took the third out to the hot tub.. apparently, in my excitement for date night, i completely neglected to put an ounce of food in my body for the last 10 hours.. that, combined with sitting in a 102-degree tub of water, drinking 3 glasses of wine in a half hour and CHG showering me with wine-flavored kisses, i became extremely light-headed.. after getting out, i immediately knew i was in trouble but i didn't know what was happening.. like any man who drinks wine and reads Cosmo would do, i tried hustling to the bathroom to assess the situation privately and figure out why our kitchen turned into a life-size blender and our usual hardwood floors were now quicksand..

"oh my God!".. those were the next words i heard, courtesy of Cute Hometown Girl.. realizing we were both still wearing our swim gear and in the kitchen, this situation quickly fell into the "negative" column of "things that can happen on a date" list.. i had blacked out.. great, i can't even handle a couple glasses of wine in the hot tub, how is this girl still in our kitchen and not on her way home?.. i hadn't realized that i hadn't eaten much all day until CHG asked me.. luckily for me, she was as sweet as she could be about the entire situation, asking me if i was okay, making me a peanut butter sandwich and not calling me a "pussy lightweight".. as uncool as i was by blacking out from wine and not eating, she was very cool for how she handled the situation and the genuine concern she showed for me, which was a good feeling.. so in the grand scheme of things, the bad news was that i sustained a possible slight concussion for the next few days, evidenced by being extremely tired, having headaches and tingling in my left leg.. but the good news is that i found out that Cute Hometown Girl grooves on me enough to take care of me when i get my anorexia on and bounce my skull off the kitchen floor.. i'll take that trade off every time.. ya know, i bet i never would have blacked out if i had used that "Macho Man" glass.. we all make mistakes, right??