this post is being co-brought to you by athletes with their backs against the wall and giving 110%, and the 13-year-old girl i saw with "Juicy" written on her backside.. good luck with that pregnancy next year..
the worst website on the internet is WebMD.. here's why: you're always dying.. they'll ask for your symptoms, so you put in "headache" or whatever, you're directed to websites about brain cancer.. especially if you're a hypochondriac, this site does no good at all.. i've been convinced that i've had diabetes and lung cancer because of WebMD.. i'll confess that i have a little hypochondria in me, if something feels wrong i immediately think the worst.. it's shitty, and this website doesn't help matters.. i'll probably have ovarian cysts next week.. can't wait..
on the medical topic, i think doctors shouldn't be allowed to be doctors if they act like it's the last place they want to be.. i know they have to see a large amount of patients in a day but if it's that bad, hire more doctors.. more the amount of money it costs (and that doctors get paid), they should be given an adequate amount of time to figure out what's going on.. i've actually been to one doctor where i've said "this is what i feel, what do you think that is?".. he said, "i don't know" with some sort of bored look on his face.. and that was it.. glad all that schooling paid off.. they should be friendly and willing to figure out, i'm sure that's in the job description somewhere.. plus, it's not like they should be in a hurry.. doctors make enough money where they can Tivo "House" or "Grey's Anatomy" or whatever the hell they want to watch..
here's something i do: if i'm wanting to checkout at a store and one line is pretty long with a hot checkout girl and another line is shorter with an unattractive girl, i'm gonna stand in the hot girl line.. i'm fairly sure most guys do this.. it gives me more time to look at her, and more time to come up with something witty to say.. this worked to perfection at the liquor store last weekend.. racked-out blonde chick working one counter helping a customer, two dudes working at other counters with nobody in their lines.. so i stall, looking at wines (classier than looking at vodkas) and then jump into her line.. i ask her whether she likes white or red wines (so money, i don't even know it), she made something up to impress me, and i looked at her butt when she turned to get my change (which i'm sure she knew, with the pants she was wearing).. this is what guys do..
Denard Span just tripled in two runs for the Twins and i clapped.. he's currently my favorite Twin..
a few weeks ago, one of my roommates had a day off work and was watching "The Price Is Right" when i was getting ready for work.. i almost had to call in sick.. it's so addicting.. although, i think the people that they have sitting in the front row are actors.. they get so fired up when someone wins that bidding thing to go play a game.. no one can be that excited for a stranger to meet Drew Carey and have a chance to win a Grandfather clock.. i love when it takes the elderly woman 16 tries to get the wheel around a full time, getting closer to nose-diving every time.. and since she barely gets it around, the one time she does she lands on the $1 spot and gets a chance to win a speedboat and spring break trip to Mexico in the Showcase Showdown.. i've had the theme song stuck in my head every since.. it's not the same since Drew took over for Bob Barker, mainly because every show was a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.. you know he had cameras in the dressing rooms of his "beauties" or whatever the fuck he called them.. i miss Bob..
Dave Letterman asks a good question: has Fabio every done anything since he got hit in the head with that goose while on that roller coaster? or before that?
Robert and i played about 5 hours of Playstation 3 on Saturday night.. first a few games of hockey, then he and i won the Intercontinental Championship with Shawn Michaels.. i told everyone at work this on Monday.. our goal was to make every opponent bleed from the head before we won.. then we went to bed at 3 a.m.. very drunk..
clumsiness is an underrated "cute" trait in girls.. i'm not saying someone who falls down steps on a daily basis and is an absolute train wreck, but a lot of the little things are cute, especially if they can laugh at themselves.. i remember one time being at a movie with a girl who was walking a little bit in front of me.. she turned to looked at me with a flirty smile and rolled her foot out of her shoe.. which, in her defense, were of the platform variety.. maybe it was the flirty look that made it cute, or the fact that she was wearing a skirt, but the fact that i've remembered it this long obviously says something.. some girls can be cute doing absolutely nothing.. those girls are my favorite..
when i start a band, i'm calling it "Accidental Grindage"..
the Twins bullpen just gave up two home runs to give the lead back to Detroit.. other than Joe Nathan, the pitchers in the bullpen are my least favorite players.. now something called "R.A. Dickey" is pitching.. anytime someone with a name sounding like an erectile disease or birthday party clown is pitching, i tend to lose hope for the squads chances.. but i just heard the phrase "Dickey gets the job done" and made an x-rated joke in my head, so i was a little premature (insert your own x-rated joke here)..
i'm happy it's finally warm enough to sleep in my underwear and topless again.. it feels more natural.. also, my pajama pants are still hidden somewhere in the house..
i'm admittedly not very smart politically but i read something recently that made a ton of sense to me.. according to what i read, there are currently 40 million people over age 50 who are working in the United States.. if we gave all of them $1 million, with the stipulations being that they retired and bought a new car with that money, here's what would happen: 40 million jobs would be available, obviously improving unemployment.. 40 million new cars would be sold, obviously helping the automobile industry.. the government would spend only $40 million, rather than the billions of dollars currently being spent to fix the economy.. also, many of these people would probably buy new houses and boats and take a vacation, helping real estate and tourism, etc.. i know most people are smarter than me about stuff like this and would probably have an argument as to why this couldn't ever work, but on the surface to someone as politically inept as i am, this sounds a hell of a lot better than what we're doing now.. (editors note: it was pointed out to me that the person who wrote this plan and myself were a little off with our math.. it wouldn't be $40 million, it would be $40 trillion, which is a slight difference.. that's why this wouldn't work but i'll leave my original opinion for you to enjoy.. it made sense when it browsed it half drunk one night and wrote it last night.. don't believe everything you read on the internet)..
girls, i know sometimes you wonder what you should wear.. here is my fashion advice to you.. girls look hottest wearing:
1) nothing (obviously)
2) a skirt (a recent event moved this higher on my list than previously)
3) anything Victoria's Secret (maybe 1 and 3 aren't for nights out)
4) jeans (especially ones that make your butt look ridiculous)
5) those stretchy white tank top things (i think they're illegal in 32 states)
6) comfy stuff (hooded sweatshirt, no/light makeup, bed hair, etc.)
7) anything i own
8) reading glasses (bonus points if you're reading)
9) anything supporting our favorite sports teams
here's what you shouldn't wear:
1) anything that makes you say the phrase "do i look fat in this?"
2) anything that could be described as "frumpy"
(Jason Kubel just hit a pinch-hit two run bomb to tie the game.. hopefully "R.A. Dickey" is on a plane to Rochester and unavailable to pitch next inning.. or warmup a bat boy or something)..
here are some things i wish girls knew:
- most of the guys i've talked to share this view: we like having space when we fall asleep.. the cuddling thing is fine for a while but when it's time to actually sleep, go your separate ways.. i think most girls feel this way as well, unless the relationship has lasted a long time and you're both used to it.. eventually you'll find your way to each other in the middle of the night anyway..
- if we really like you, we get butterflies when we see you, especially right away..
- when we make fun of our guy friends for talking on the phone with a girl, we're really just jealous..
- being sick turns us into the biggest pussies..
- dirty texts are fucking awesome.. it takes every muscle in our body to stop us from showing all our friends..
- if our friends like you, you're 13 times more attractive to us..
- anytime you turn around, we look at your butt.. Super Bowl, World Series, Final Four, Tiger putting for the win?? they have nothing on your ass..
- a guys night out doesn't consist of ogling hot girls.. it consists of beer, sports, mom jokes, dirty jokes, dirty mom jokes, and thinking about what you're doing..
- almost every song makes us think about you..
- we're scared shitless of meeting your parents.. we're more scared of meeting your friends.. (parents liking us could work against us, friends liking us is absolutely mandatory)..
- you should be more aggressive.. you know what i mean..
- shopping for you is like golf for us.. only tell us about buying your 27th purse if you want to hear about our double bogey on 11.. and the $79.99 we spent on the golf jacket we might wear three times a year..
- umm, those noises you make when we're doing things? we want those to be our ring tone.. and wedding song..
- seeing you get jealous is another one of those "cute" things..
- being skinny isn't as important as caring about your body.. an average-sized girl who works out is 1,000 times hotter than skeleton who just doesn't eat..
- sometimes we'll stay awake intentionally to watch you sleep..
- when you hold/play with babies, you're auditioning to be our future baby mama..
- you knowing about sports? SUPER hot.. you knowing more about sports than us? SUPER depressing..
- if we don't want to talk about something, don't bug us about it.. we'll talk when and if we want to.. guys are more "thinkers" and less "talkers".. nothing against you, we just think we can handle it ourselves, whether we're right or wrong.. however, we like helping you, so ask our opinion..
- if a guy has cheated on you or "isn't sure what he wants", he'll never change and he's waiting for something better.. if you think that's what you deserve, hang around..
- we couldn't care less about your friends relationship problems.. we're busy trying to not piss you off..
- arguing isn't always bad.. always agreeing is..
- you have a mole on your inner thigh.. we could find it blindfolded..
- if a guy hits on you and we see them do it, we're willing to place his beanbag in a vice and tighten it slowly until things pop.. we're also confident the jury would understand..
- reading Men's Health makes us feel healthy.. even if we're doing so while eating an entire bag of Twizzlers..
- if you smile, we can't not smile..
(editor's note: Joe Crede just ended the game with a walkoff grand slam in the 13th inning after being down one run.. i fucking love the Twins)..
Lyrics of the Week
"Anyone, Anyone" by Dashboard Confessional
I'm not sure of
Anyone, Anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking
For everything
But sure I could
Use a hand
Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone
And I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my turn
And I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from
The corner of my eye
Never really mastered
Disinterest
I can't see how
The way you leave me alone
Makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too
Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk
But we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I'm not privy
To what is on your mind
I can't help but feel tired
So tired
So tired
"A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional
It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.
It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)
I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)
But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.
It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.
It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)
I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)
"She's Everything" by Brad Paisley
She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody
She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowin
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
because she's everything to me
She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy
She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
My unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing
She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me
Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah shes everything to me
everything to me
"Pretty Girl (The Way)" by Sugarcult
Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love
Pretty girl, pretty girl
Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head
It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love
"Only One" by Yellowcard
Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one
"Time To Go" by Jason Fioto
You never meant to stay
You always walk away from everything
And did you stop to see what was going on
You build walls around you every time
You’ve been running round in circles
You’ve been blaming everyone
But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know
You went to find yourself
But you never looked behind to see what you left
And did you stop to change the world
What are you looking for
Did you find your pearl
Don’t you think that oh you’re the only one
Who believed in what they said
But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know
Now I know what you’re feeling
Tell me that with all your reasons
Too waste tomorrow, it makes it alright
Now don’t look the other
When are you gonna stay
For just one day
But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know
"Look Away" by Chicago
When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found,
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else,
I guess I won't be coming 'round.
I guess it's over, baby;
it's really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me;
it'll never be the way it used to be.
So if it's gotta be this way,
don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay.
But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.
When we both agreed as lovers,
we were better off as friends,
that's how it had to be,
yeah, that's how it had to be.
I tell you I'm fine
but sometimes I just pretend;
wish you were holding me,
wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
that I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.
But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.
When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found.
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."
"Head On Straight" by Tonic
I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I don't wanna be the one who fails
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I struggled all my life with empty moments
The shadow of a hole I never filled
Any happiness I had was empty
It wasn't good enough
I wanted love
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I don't wanna think of life without you
I don't wanna take a step alone
It scares me to think I almost lost you
Just let me know you're fine
I'm on the line
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find the way
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find my way
I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I just wanna know that you're alright
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
You can trust me again
Trust me again
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