champagne and cigarettes..

this post is being co-brought to you by Justin Bleiber and that chicken sandwich at KFC that doesn't use a bun..

remember that TV show a few years ago called "The Moment of Truth"? i miss it.. they would hook these people up to lie detectors and ask them a bunch of personal questions about their marriages/relationships/etc.. if they told the whatever amount of times, they'd get $500,000 but likely ruin their relationships.. i remember one woman who was fairly attractive, she was married to a guy who traveled with bands for his job or whatever, so he was gone a lot.. anyway, she gets these questions like "would you say it is sometimes a struggle to stay faithful to your husband?" and "have you ever done something while your husband was away on business that you feel guilty about?" and "have you ever regretted marrying your husband?".. she answered yes to ALL of these questions.. of course, if she would have said "no", she would have been lying and lost all her money (and probably her husband) anyway.. but the husband is just sitting off to the side shaking his head and fuming, i wonder if the show was cancelled because it was ruining so many peoples lives..

a couple weeks ago during a Twins game, my roommate and i decided to Google "Mark Kotsay" to see how many teams he had played for.. while doing so, "Mark Kotsay's wife" was a suggestion.. and since we're boys, we obviously checked it out.. good for you, Mark..

i don't remember the last time i saw an ugly beverage cart chick on the golf course.. it must be one of those "unwritten" golf rules or something.. don't walk in the path of a putt, turn your cell phone off, all beverage cart chicks need to be lava-hot.. i remember one instance while golfing with my brothers, i had 3/4th's of a Gatorade left but the hot beverage cart chick asked if i needed anything so i purchased a $2 water and gave her a $1 tip.. on the 16th hole.. girls, you don't know the power you hold over guys, i'm telling you..

from ESPN.com on Ben Roethlisberger:

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. -- The young woman who accused Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault said she tried to get away from the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and told him "no, this is not OK," according to police documents released Thursday.

In a statement to police on March 5, the 20-year-old college student said Roethlisberger encouraged her, and her friends, to take numerous shots of alcohol. Then one of his bodyguards escorted her into a hallway at the Capital City nightclub, sat her on a stool and left. She said Roethlisberger walked down the hallway and exposed himself.

"I told him it wasn't OK, no, we don't need to do this and I proceeded to get up and try to leave," she said. "I went to the first door I saw, which happened to be a bathroom."

According to her statement, Roethlisberger then followed her into a nearby bathroom and shut the door.

"I still said no, this is not OK, and he then had sex with me," she wrote. "He said it was OK. He then left without saying anything." - end of ESPN report..

then she doesn't press charges against him? i don't understand that at all.. by definition, she was raped, and she's not pressing charges? and this isn't the first time he's been in this position.. it probably won't be the last as long as he keeps getting slapped on the wrist for it..

on the same topic, it blows my mind how someone we see so often in the public eye can be so different away from cameras.. the few examples i can think of are Roethlisberger, Tiger Woods and Jesse James (Sandra Bullocks husband).. i've seen more interviews with Ben and Tiger than Jesse, but i have seen all 3 of them and thought they were all well-spoken and seemed as normal as you can be with that level of fame.. Roethlisberger isn't married but the other two are.. if you are that famous and enjoy the lifestyle of being with multiple women, why get married at all? it's selfish to put your wife (and in Tiger's case, children) through all of the heartbreak and pain that comes with cheating and whatever else they're into.. it's just unbelievable how much people change when they get to a certain level and how selfish and morally irresponsible they can be.. if Tiger wasn't married, he'd be free to do all that he did and nobody could say anything.. Jesse James as well.. Ben, single or not, it's still never okay to rape chicks.. might wanna get over that little phase..

discovered a website that has a Chris Hansen soundboard.. for those of you who don't know, Chris Hansen is the guy on "To Catch a Predator" who comes out when these 40-year-old dudes are chasing the "13-year-old" girl to the back room and stops him and asks him to put his clothes back on, etc. then he'll ask if they brought condoms and the guy who looks like he hasn't had sex in 19 years says "oh, i always have condoms".. right.. do you always have 6-packs of wine coolers and penis pumps in your trunk? anyway, this website is tremendous because it has a bunch of audio clips of Chris Hansen talking to these guys, usually he's reading off the chat transcript that the pervert was involved in.. a few of my favorites:

"i'm big"
"the 22-year-old virgin is in the house"
"he pulls a large sexual device out of his pants"
"i know you're 12, but girls these days are way ahead"
"okay then you can lick it off me"

alright, i'm just about done with all the Facebook bitching about exes.. here are a few tips: if someone treats you like shit, leave them and forget about them.. quit giving them second, third and twelfth chances to do the same God damn thing.. it's one thing if you broke up for other differences (distance, timing, whatever) but cheating, fighting, yelling, etc. consistently make one chance enough.. another tip: you saying you had a bad day because of a "certain someone" just makes that certain someone more likely to be scared away.. they know that you're talking about them and they don't care, neither do the rest of us.. quit acting like it's the end of the world, move on and find someone better.. another tip, and this one is a big one: quit fucking having babies with people you hate!! i don't need to hear about all the shit your baby's mama/daddy does wrong, you're the one who fucked them without protection, deal with it.. fuck unprotected sex, i've never had protected sex with someone i saw myself hating in the near future.. i don't know, it's common sense to me, i guess..

feeling nostalgic recently, i glanced at the high school senior yearbook from 2001.. not sure if this is good or bad but roughly 50% of the people who wrote in it mentioned something about my "great personality".. that's probably a nicer way of saying "probably won't be seeing you at any parties this summer, so ummm, take care"..

girls, i'm 100% serious when telling you this: you can be on the pill AND we can be wearing a condom but the second you tell us you got your period, it's like fucking Christmas, our birthday and baseball's Opening Day all rolled into one.. i've done very extensive research on this.. nevermind the fact that, if everything is done correctly, there's about a .0002% chance of you being pregnant and us finding the quickest route to Canada, we're scared shitless anyway.. especially if you say things like "hmmmm, i should have had my period by now".. please don't say things like that, even on April Fools' Day..

this research is less scientific but i'm going to try to tackle the "spooning/cuddling while sleeping" debate.. i'd like to consider myself a fairly-romantic guy who likes cuddling and all that good stuff when it's appropriate.. but when i'm trying to sleep, i need to have space.. i'll gladly do the obligatory spooning until we're falling asleep, then you retreat to your side and i'll do my thing over here.. i'm pretty sure most guys and several girls feel the same way but for those of you who don't, consider our needs too.. if i have a girl hanging on me while i'm trying to sleep, i'll likely lay there for an hour or more trying to fall asleep and not poke her with an erection (hey, it happens alright, nothing we can do).. or get up to go to the bathroom, hoping she's asleep when you get back.. she looks like she is but somehow she has the 6th sense to lock you into a Bob Backlund cross-face chicken wing and your night is done.. submit and head to the couch..

speaking of being romantic, here's the dilemma that guys face.. while some guys are never romantic and never really try hard to make a girl feel special, a lot of guys enjoy doing that stuff.. i'm place myself in the latter category.. what us guys have to figure out is what kind of girl we have on our hands.. while some girls think a random "thinking of you" phone call makes their day, others might think it's weird.. or remembering something they liked from a while back and buying it for a reason other than a holiday or their birthday.. some girls would find that charming, others would freak out.. so the first thing guys have to do is decide what kind of girl they have and whether or not they'd appreciate things like that.. it's a fine line between being "romantic" and being "creepy"..

heard a guy in the sauna last week telling someone else that the longest he's spent at the gym in one day is five hours.. i hate to break it to that guy, but he's an idiot.. if you work yourself hard enough, an hour is all you need to do to reach your limit.. anything after that, you're overworking your muscles and not gaining what you could.. unless he spent 4 hours doing cardio, but judging by him rocking the beer gut, that was neither likely nor possible.. five hours of walking around and lifting a weight once in a while isn't going to get you as much gain as working out hard and fast for an hour.. listen to me, i have a gym membership..

i wish i could blog for a living.. someone find me a job doing that..

i have a twin sister who is also my best friend, so we'll do a lot of shopping and going out to eat or whatever.. she knows i do this but i like to keep a good distance from her when we're in public so all the girls don't think she's my girlfriend.. not like i'd approach any of them or they'd approach me but i feel like i like my chances better..

i went to Grove City (Columbus), Ohio last summer for work (i blogged extensively about some of the highlights back then).. we spent about three weeks at the plant there and most of my time spent there was thinking about how i could talk to the racked-out receptionist girl.. we'd walk by her every morning when we came in, every time we went to lunch, and then every night if we left early enough.. i would consistently tell my co-workers that i missed her about 5 seconds after walking past her.. finally, after telling them that i wanted to make out with her, etc., i finally "made my move" on the last day there.. we went to Pizza Hut for lunch, and we were waiting in the lobby deal for everyone to come out.. i made some rude comment to her about how she should order our food because she's the receptionist and knows her way around a phone.. later in the day, i kinda worried that i maybe offended her, but in actuality i just wanted to talk to her, so i emailed her an apology.. she was one of those rare nice and smart hot girls, so i kept talking to her when i got back home because she thought i was harmless and funny.. she's married and she lives in Ohio, so i think we'll stay just friends..

who would have guessed that DJ from "Full House" would turn out to be the hottest of the sisters? i had a crush on Stephanie during the middle seasons, especially when she played baseball, and Michelle was always adorable.. DJ was always kinda pudgy and awkward, i though.. now she's super hot.. here are a few more underrated TV girls:

Aunt Becky from "Full House"
Sam from "Who's The Boss"
Al from "Step By Step"
Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years"
Topenga from "Boy Meets World"
Kerry from "8 Simple Rules"
Joey from "Dawson's Creek" (probably the biggest crush of my life, in all honesty)
Jenny Jones from "The Jenny Jones Show"


Men's Health Tips of the Week

10 Things Her Body is Telling You

The female body. It's a work of art and well deserves to be admired, while clothed or naked. And if you peel your eyes away from her butt and breasts for a few moments, you can improve your chances with the one you're after. Just look for these 10 subtle signs to understand what she's thinking and feeling.


Pupils
If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That's because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever's exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Bonus: As the inkiness spreads, she'll start looking better to you, too. Research shows that men rate women with larger pupils as more attractive. Time to make your move.


Eyelashes
Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't. Aside from the obvious, what does that mean for you? Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.


Brain
She's matching you drink for drink, you're starting to feel like reenacting Animal House, but she seems like her same old self. What's the deal? Men and women get different kinds of buzzes: Men lose inhibitions, while women become sedated. If you're looking to get her into the party spirit, don't feed her more alcohol. Instead, feed the jukebox. Research shows that mid- to fast-tempo music will make her more social.


Belly
Want to know if it's a good or bad time to broach a tricky conversation? You can tell if she's suitably relaxed by her breathing pattern. If her stomach pulls in with each inhalation, she's taking shallow breaths from her chest, which indicates stress. Keep your distance. If her abdomen and chest expand with each inhalation, she's taking deeper, more rhythmic breaths—a sign of relaxation. Go for it.


Nose
Her sense of smell is sharpest first thing in the morning, which, aside from being a good reason to brush your teeth immediately, makes it the best time to impress her with your culinary skills. That's because 90 percent of taste is really smell. Treat her to a breakfast in bed consisting of warmed banana-nut bread, which has an aroma that, according to one study, increases bloodflow to the vagina. And that may lead to a different kind of morning treat.


Chest
Sex flush, a pinkish look to the skin of her chest, occurs during foreplay. It stems from changes in blood pressure and circulation, along with pulse and respiration rates. Think of it as her coy way of telling you that if you keep doing what you're doing, you just might get lucky. Another sign that things are working: A woman's breasts grow by as much as 25 percent as things turn hot and heavy.


Small of Her Back
As she moves toward orgasm during sex, she'll begin to arch her back. Hold her tight around the small of her back at this point and stay attuned to how much she's arching. And, for God's sake, do not let up; maintain the same rhythm and intensity of stimulation until she climaxes. She'll pay you back for this later, with interest.


Fingernails
Pay attention to her fingers; among the surest signs of anxiety or depression in a woman are body-focused repetitive behaviors, such as skin picking and nail biting. If you see her doing that, don't nag her to stop; that can send her deeper into a spiral. Instead, gently pull her hand away, give it a squeeze, and hold on to it. Feel the tension ooze right out.


Hands
If it seems as if she always has cold hands, that's because she does—almost 3 degrees colder than yours, possibly more if she's stressed. Women's bodies, even more than men's, are programmed to keep their cores warmer than their extremities. So to warm her hands up, don't massage them; wrap your arm around her waist. This will warm her core and allow blood to flow back into her hands.


Between Her Legs
Okay, you know enough about your partner's menstrual cycle to know when to leave her alone. Now add this to your arsenal: Two weeks after her period begins, she will be at her horniest, guaranteed. Female sexual motivation is highest when she's ovulating. Warning: This is also when she's most likely to get pregnant.


10 Ways to Get More Sex

We got women to confess what makes a man irresistible. Follow these tips to become that guy.

1. Play the Name Game
"Say my name, often. It makes me feel as though you're totally focused on me."

2. Pay Up
"Be generous when we're on a date—offer to pay, tip well. It will make me think you're just as giving in bed."

3. Get Your Hands on Her
"Touch me on the arm while talking to me, on my shoulder if standing above me, on my hips if standing behind me, around my waist if walking beside me. It's a subtle but effective way to let me know you're genuinely interested."

4. Ace a Classic Move
"On a cold night, wrap me up in your coat and kiss me on the forehead. It's a movie-style move that makes me go weak in the knees."

5. Excite Her Entire Body
"Sweep the hair away from the back of my neck and kiss me there. It sends sexy tingles everywhere."

6. Be a Gentle Man
"Be gentle when you're touching my clitoris—I can always thrust towards you to show you I need more pressure."

7. Speak Softly
"Whisper in my ear while we're having sex. Tell me how amazing my skin feels, how sexy I am and how good it feels to be inside me."

8. Get Rough with Her
"I love it when a guy is playfully rough in bed—a tender bite, a bit of hair-tugging—it make sex feel even more passionate."

9. Be Her Alarm Clock
"Wake me up at 5 a.m. by heading down under. I may be half asleep, but I'll soon be smiling all over."

10. Say Something
"Make contact the next day. This rule holds true forever."