a while back (over a year ago), i had a semi-crush on a gal and was scared to ask her out. if you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that this isn't all that uncommon. in my life, i have officially "asked out" two girls. so i went to a female friend for "tips" on what to do. other than, you know, actually speaking to this girl in person. as you know, i'm shy and self-conscious around new girls (new people, actually) and this female friend knew this, although she didn't understand it. this is the same female friend and time period in which she "polled" several girls about what they thought about my looks, which i wrote about here in December: http://fluentlysarcastic.blogspot.com/2010/12/santa-claus-is-coming-to-town.html
Additionally, she has a little background in psychology, and her and a friend had a discussion about my "underlying demons", for lack of a better term, and allowed me to see if any of it was right. here is what ensued, in a condensed version to make sense:
Female Friend (FF): Ooh, not sure if I should talk about him. Neither of us know him well enough to know whether we are right or wrong.
Other Girl (OG): And your point? I think it would still be fun. Ask him how close we get!
FF: I have this odd sense of respect for him.
OG: Ahh, I see what you’re saying. Is it really respect or is it more like attracted to?
FF: Did you even look at the picture? What woman wouldn’t be? Physically he is very appealing! Open your damn eyes woman! ;)
OG: True, true, very true.
FF: Eh fuck it, let’s go for it! I’ll obviously give you a few obvious points: I find no reason to believe that he suffers from multiple mood disorder, multiple personality disorder nor suffer from psychosocial dysfunction. However, he has proven me off base with my judge of personality with him!
OG: How so? You are usually a very good judge of character
FF: I was way out of touch with what I believed and what was true with him. I truly thought he was a self-absorbed, conceited playboy that was over indulgent on his physique, thought he was above everyone, that he stayed single to be a “man-whore”, that he was all looks, no brains and truly believed he was an alternative music man. WAY wrong…couldn’t have been more cold than an ice cube.
OG: Here’s what I think. He suffers from none of the above. But I believe he has a nerve issue…anxiety or depression? He is obviously worried about his appearance, but not to the extent of being obsessed. He probably chooses to be healthy and fit, not starving and dwindling away. Know if he has suppressed physical issues? Was he a chubby child? You say he’s a mama’s boy and I believe that she is his savior. He found comfort in his family and his mother was probably a little more comforting (come on, we are mom’s now, we know how that works with our baby boys!). She was and still is his security blanket, his rock, his stone and he needs her there for him. He has a slight self-esteem problem. I do not see him to be the one to stand in front of a mirror and say “Good Morning Gorgeous!” More like, “Shit, gotta do more oblique exercises”. Again, derived from a physical flaw in his younger years. Though he may be smiling from having fun, he’s mostly masking what it is that’s making him nervous. I bet he has a problem sleeping often. He can’t shut his brain off and he is constantly worrying. Yep! Anxiety… He doesn’t stay single to be a “Whore”, he’s afraid. He probably believes that he is un-worthy in some way, that he doesn’t meet his own expectations so how would he meet someone else’s? He is the polar opposite of a man-whore, he probably had his share of one nighter’s but he’s got the feminine characteristics and puts feelings and emotion into sex. Plus, he will have to find a woman that is comfortable enough with the love he has for his family. That can be a breaking point for women sometimes (dumb people). I believe he is a moldable man, but truly the woman that lands him shouldn’t change him. She will throw him out of whack with his routine and he needs a well rounded routine to stay “sane”. He has to be one of those open the door and pull out the seat for you kind of men. I just have a hunch…
FF: I have no idea. But what you are saying is how I picture him now. I see him being one of those “lean on me” kind of men. People can feel confident he will keep their secret, but he would be torn if it would be one of those secrets he knows should be told. Make sense? I also see him as being soft hearted. He would care so much that he would take on their pain and make it his own. Idk, I’m all kinds of confused by this one.
OG: It makes perfect sense. I know someone like that…ahem. It’s actually a great characteristic to have, but hurtful as well. Hey, let’s pick up where we left off later. I gotta go.
FF: I think we should just drop it. I almost feel bad for picking him apart. I have a soft spot for the poor guy.
OG: If he is anything like what I perceive to be true, it would be hard not to. Toodles for now….email me and we can catch up with this. I’m going to go look up a few things, betchya he has an anxiety disorder and I’m going to find the one he has!
i'll dispell a couple of the comments. one, i've never had a one-night stand. wouldn't be totally opposed to it but i like the relationship stuff a lot more. two, i have ZERO problem sleeping. i'll wake up just to take a nap. i've always had a super weird sleep schedule (more on that later).
but a lot of the things they talked about were true. i love my mom more than anything, and she's definitely my rock and person i go to when i need someone. i have never woken up and said "good morning, gorgeous", at least when i was alone. i love being someone people can trust and go to with their issues. and obviously, i have the anxiety issue where i don't feel i'm good enough. so for not really knowing me very well (and one person, not at all), they really got close to who i am as a person and what my "psychology" is. i know she'll be reading this, so thanks again for the dissection :)
don't make someone new in your life pay for stuff that people in your past have done. it's understandable to a degree that, if you've been burned every other time, you're going to be expecting the worst. but what fun is that? why "expect" that this person isn't right for you before you get to know them? i've been pushed away by girls in the past because their previous guys have verbally abused them or whatever. why should i pay for that before you know who i am? the last time i yelled or hit a girl was when i was like 10 and my sister pissed me off when we were rollerskating in the basement and i hit her in the back. in between sobs, she informed me that i was going to grow up to beat my wife. that obviously scared the shit out of me because i still remember that moment. and i've never raised my voice or fist to a female again (good looking out, Nik). now, maybe i'll raise my voice to a girl in the future, but it won't include the words "slut", "whore" or "bitch", i can promise you that. maybe people get so used to getting treated badly that they think they deserve it. you deserve what you allow yourself to deserve. if you keep going back to people who are wrong for you and you know it, then i have no sympathy for you. expect to be blown away and as happy as you can be, everyone deserves that, and everyone deserves a clean slate.
my brother just texted me a picture of a golf course he's at in Iowa. i'm sitting at my desk at work, watching the custodian walk by. immediately hate both of them.
the shower at our apartment has two temperatures: "lava" and "hotter than lava". glad it's been chilly out recently.
one of my favorite things is finding new music or musicians. the app Pandora is great for this. if you're someone who does not own a smartphone (Nik, BK, Fred Flinstone), Pandora plays music that is similar to the artist you choose. so if you like Kenny Chesney, you'll get country music. if you like Dashboard Confessional, you'll get Jack's Mannequin, Quietdrive, Boys Like Girls, etc. if you like Dave Matthews, you'll be tied down and waterboarded because evidently you enjoy being tortured. i have 7 "stations", and whenever i hear a song i like or a band that has a cool sound, i'll write it down and look them up later. if i had to give up television or music, it'd be a very easy choice for me.
we should send more reporters into areas that are incredibly dangerous, like war zones and hurricanes. how else do we know how dangerous it is?
if you own a fanny pack AND have whiskey plates on your truck, you confuse me.
not much more uncomfortable than watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene coming on.
actually, this was close: watching obese women hold up lingerie on each other at Charlotte Russe in the Mall Of America on Saturday. i don't know if i had a vote but i think it was clear when i took my glasses off, rubbed my eyes and shook my head.
speaking of obese women, when did it become acceptable to use your bra as a cell phone holder? is reaching into your pants pocket really that much work?
working next to an 84-year-old woman today when "Forgot About Dre" comes on Pandora. she thought it was a good time to take a break. she came back to "Gangsta's Paradise" and "P.I.M.P." i might be fired tomorrow.
i wish i could write for a living. looking back, i wish i would have went to college for creative writing. that, or psychology. i love writing to entertain, and i love helping people and learning more about how people think. when i need to calm down or relax, i feel incredible after writing. i feel incredible after yoga. i feel after reading Cosmo in the sauna (it's my guilty pleasure). and sex heals many things. i don't recommend it for healing herpes.
overheard this sentence recently: "finally found where the storm shelter in our trailer park is."
i'm biased, but two of the best uniforms in sports history are the Minnesota North Stars and the Minnesota Twins baby blues from the 70's and early 80's:
on the topic of hockey and baseball, how come a hockey player can take a frozen slab of rubber off the nose at 90 mph and come back after 5 minutes, but baseball guys strain a shoulder muscle when they rub on their Vagisil?
if my mom asked how a game went, that game was pretty important to me. mom's know everything.
i came home from the gym last night, my roommate was showering so i laid in my bed waiting to use the bathroom. when he's done, he walks into my room wearing only pink boxers with white polka dots and says "i've been waiting for you."
i've seen enough porn to know what my role is if i walk into a room and a woman is half-naked and touching herself in front of a cameraman with her eyes closed.
text of the week: "Remember when ______ ate out ______'s bisexual roommate who was ugly?"
runner-up text of the week: "this guy at the mall just had two hot girls beg him to come over and sit in their hot tub... that will never happen to me."
recently, a girl Googled three Twins players because she "knew i thought it would be hot". that's hotter than her actually knowing three Twins players. Mauer, Perkins, Baker :)
my mom and i have complete opposite sleep schedules. she'll go to bed around 8:00 p.m. and wake up around 4:00 a.m. even on weekends. these days, since i'm a big kid with a full-time job, i'll go to bed around 1:30 a.m. and wake up around 9:30 or 10:00. back when i still lived with my parents and only had a part-time job, i would chat with babes on AOL instant messenger til like 1:00 a.m., THEN i would go make a pizza and watch "Boy Meets World" and "Full House" until about 4:00 a.m. when my mom woke up. then i'd go to bed until noon. then wake up to take a nap.
ESPN's Rachel Nichols is hot, right guys? i feel like there's only two ways to feel about her and both are extremes.
growing up, our family would go camping at El Rancho in Richmond about 4 times a summer. my aunt and uncle and cousins family would also camp that same weekend. the times spent have created some of my favorite memories growing up. if it was nice during the day, we would spend it swimming or boating. towards the later years, i was getting to the point where i thought boobs were cool, and on the beach there were girls who had bikinis on. and those bikinis had boobs in them. so that was cool. i can't even remember most of the crazy things we did. of course we stole some beers from our parents coolers at night, i think they drank stuff like Natural Light and Busch just to make us hate it. at most, i'd have 5 sips and call it good. we would spend most nights at the "lodge", which is where all the arcade games were and the pool table. i fucking owned some motorcycle racing game there at one point, that's probably why i grew up to get pierced ears and a tattoo. can't keep a bad boy caged forever. we sat there through tornado warnings, freezing rain on Memorial Day, everything. every weekend had a theme. my favorite was Halloween in August. all the kids would dress up in costumes (i was usually a wrestler, in fact i distinctly remember being Ultimate Warrior at least once) and trick-or-treat to the other campgrounds. of course, you'd find the ones that gave out the best/most candy, go off and switch costumes with your accomplice and come back for more. hey, we were probably drunk. i remember one time at the "lodge", there was a dance. now, i was probably 9 or 10 at this point but i remember thinking one gal there was particular foxy. she was probably like 5 years older than me (hunting cougars already) and i was scoping her out all night. even back then i knew i didn't have much game to spit, so i let my pool playing do the talking. evidently, it didn't talk very loud because she ended up dancing the last song ("I've Had The Time of My Life" from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack) with some hillbilly who probably tried feeling her up on the beach later that night. and i went back to my tent depressed. i'm almost over it though, i've learned other girls have boobs.
girls, you know how you feel "ugly" after sex because you're all sweaty and your hair is all over? it's not ugly. it's the hottest fucking thing ever.
where i work, i'm able to see a lot of funny names (we ship several hundreds of packages a day). today i found my porn name: Danny Bunz.
my favorite wrestler name of all time? Dick the Bruiser.
heard some stories recently. one involves a male who tried to finger a girl but ended up scratching her vagina. admittedly, i'm not an expert on the female anatomy, but i've managed to get my fingers in there without incident. knowing me, i was probably one-handing the bra strap at the same time. be gentle boys, and clip those finger nails. it's not a scratch and sniff sticker.
that being said, i injured myself the first time i licked a vagina. pretty sure i hyperextended my tongue. this is a true story, i think i was a little too into it and went less "pretend it's an ice cream cone" and more "i think she wants me to taste her fallopian tubes". then that thing that attaches the bottom of your tongue to your mouth hurt for a few days. good thing i didn't WebMD that thing or i would have thought i had some sort of tongue disease that gave me 2 days to live.
What The Woman in Your Life is Really Thinking
When you look into a woman's eyes, you probably often wonder, What is she really thinking? You truly believe that you want to know. Poor thing. Your curiosity is stronger than your fear.
Very well, then. Every woman reacts differently, but my account here will scare the bejeezus out of you by coming pretty damn close to what your wife or girlfriend was thinking at various points in the arc of your relationship. Psychologists are standing by to help you understand—and deal with—us women.
Here's what she was thinking . . .
The Night You Met
Are you actually hot, or have I just made that up so I won't get bored and eat all this bread, which is awesome? I can't believe I have to be nice to your friend's girlfriend, who is phenomenally stupid, in case I want to date you.
Finally! You're looking at me. Chin's okay. Nice eyes, mouth . . . wait. Is your hair kind of gay? Oh. You looked away. I didn't like you anyway. I'm bored. I want more bread.
Wow. You just totally smiled at me! If you hadn't, I would have just stopped talking to you, and you would have thought I didn't like you. But I wasn't going to be the one to stick my neck out, because that's your job. I wonder if your friend's girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don't ask her to be in our wedding?
The First Time You Picked Her Up
Why aren't you here yet? My breasts look so good. But I'd better not catch you looking at them, because then I'll think that you think I'm easy. I have the greatest life! I am so pretty. You're 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You're 10 minutes late. I'm totally going to be a single mom.
Oh, wow. Here you are. I am so crazy. You're cute. Like the suit—a little rumpled, neat but not trying too hard. If you want me to fall in love with you, you're going to have to do something about that hair.
When I disappear briefly to get my jacket, I think I'll take off my underwear so I don't have panty lines. But I'd better put them in my bag in case you take me to a place that sells wings or jalapeño poppers. I'm classier than that, can't you tell? I'm already mad at you, imagining you taking me to a place like that.
On Your First Date
I blame you for my monologue in the car about my parents' dog's nail fungus. If you don't ask me a question in 5 seconds, we're not meant to be. Okay, 10 seconds. Fifteen. Ah, finally: "Do you like your job?" A little stiff, but you made the effort, and you are so lucky you said something before I reached 100.
Excellent restaurant choice—elegant but not stuffy. The hostess doesn't have our reservation. Great. Now you're going to freak out on her and embarrass me . . . Oh, you just said, "No big deal. We'll get a drink at the bar while you work it out." I'm aroused by your restraint.
Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn't want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don't like you anyway.
I have to think of something flirtatious to say, to see if you respond favorably. Thank goodness I've only had one drink, so I'm still aware that "I'm not wearing any underwear" is not a good choice. Did you just say the wine list looks "approachable"? "Tell me you did not just say the wine list looks approachable." Whoa. Did I say that out loud? That was mean. Why do I have to be sarcastic when I'm feeling needy?
Oh, you're blushing and saying, "I'm just nervous because you're really pretty," and now you look embarrassed you said that. But trust me, it was the right thing to say. We're such a good couple. It's totally cool if your friend's dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can't be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.
The First Time You Kissed
I am putting my bare feet on the couch next to your legs. Wow. If you didn't get the memo on that one, you're past hope. Maybe you just don't even like me. I am making this really easy, dude. My toes are now touching your leg. Did you watch me walk to the kitchen and decide my ass is too fat and now you're trying to think of an excuse to leave? Do I say something? No. My job is to wait for . . . wow, your hand is on my knee.
You're pulling me toward you. I am scared you have bad breath. Not too fast, very good, start off slow. I want to feel like you're dying to sleep with me but not like you're worried I won't. I can't believe I need everything to be perfect; it's going to be my undoing. I wonder if I'll date when I'm a single mom.
Closing my mouth a bit to slow you down worked. This is good. I should get one last thought in before I stop thinking, which is to remind myself to keep my underwear on. Oh. Right. Well, you can't touch where my underwear would be if I were wearing any.
Your First Time in Bed
Should I put my legs up in the air, or is that too much? Why am I having sex with you? Oh . . . why not? I remember when I was younger and thought I was going to be a virgin when I got married. Now that is funny.
I am so glad I didn't eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you're on top of me. It's so weird that I'm always thinking about getting married. I wonder how many times I have to have sex with you before I can make you buy better sheets. I wish I were more like you. You don't seem to have a whole lot on your mind.
When She Accepted Your Proposal
I am so in love. I am also relieved I'm not going to be a single mother. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know why there is a giant ring associated with getting engaged, because every time I look at it, I feel enormously soothed.
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