first things first, this is the first post that will not be written in the comfort of my bedroom.. i am currently at Caribou Coffee, sucking down a large skim latte with sugar-free caramel.. be jealous..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by O.J. Simpson.. after getting away with a double murder, you might want to keep your nose clean for at least 15 years, not commit armed robbery and kidnapping.. allegedly.... hell of a running back, though..
i'm not the only one scared to death of mimes am i? you're wearing face paint, white gloves and are pretending to be in a box and you want to entertain my (unborn) kids? no thanks, i'm gonna see what Michael Jackson is up to.. he only has one glove.. and a roller coaster..
jokes about having sex with one another's mother are still all the rage for the male 18+ crowd, in case anyone was worried about that dying out..
want to improve your daily vocabulary? use "swass" in the place of "sweaty ass" and "swalls" instead of "sweaty balls" (more for guys).. i've also heard the term "gitbarsh" used to describe these conditions recently.. say that out loud and don't laugh, i dare you.. to use it in a sentence, "i have severe gitbarsh right now, my berries could use a once-over with some 409 All-Purpose Cleaner".. you're welcome..
i'll admit, i've done a lot of dumb stuff while drunk.. i have never once been ran over by a train, however, like one gentleman in Sauk Rapids, MN earlier this week.. how does this happen? trains have whistles and blow them more often than necessary, right? i don't care how drunk you are, you know trains travel on train tracks, maybe pay attention when you're by them.. when i'm drunk i laugh a lot, pee a lot and make some regretful calls and texts (should be breathalizers on cell phones, i swear.. make it happen, Obama).. i have never once walked along train tracks and failed to get out of the way of an oncoming train.. you can't make it up..
looking through pictures on my cell phone at work today, came across Open Air girl.. i miss her.. i've actually found out since that she's a bit of a slut and has a fake rack.. so she's worthless to me.. "well that was fun but you can't speak so now what?", i imagine saying to her as she's in the mirror fixing her hair.. whatever.. should have gotten a personality implant and improved something that has some importance.. i can't be the only guy who's completely bored with girls who think how they look is the most important thing, can i? take off the makeup, put on some sweatpants, let your hair get all crazy and be yourself and we'll think you're the cutest ever.. "cute and fun girl-next-door" > "lava-hot but conceited, self-involved girl" 365 1/4 days of the year..
for everyone who questions me for drinking diet soda and going to the gym instead of sitting on the couch, let me explain why i do that.. in order to attract the kind of girl that i want to be with, i feel like i should be attractive in all areas.. feel free to hang out with the girls who think the square root of 9 is "Tuesday", i'd rather spend my time getting my body in desirable "baby-making" shape for the gal who'll end up sleeping next to it every night.. now, don't get me wrong.. i'm not 100% opposed to the one-night deals as long as all parties involved realize what's going on and are cool with it.. i just prefer to know i don't have any kids in West Virginia or chlamydia.. the future gal probably prefers that as well..
just spilled coffee all over my white shirt.. i would have bet $3 million this would happen..
in my 25 years, i've figured out that girls kinda like being treated badly a little bit.. it makes them think and isn't so easy.. what fun is always getting along, right? i've learned that you have to space out and limit the sweet things so when they happen, they mean more.. and you don't get into the spot where they expect something every minute and get upset and wonder if you like them anymore if you don't.. just be yourself and if it's supposed to work out, it will.. if not, that's life and you move on.. a former roommate of mine is the nicest guy in the world and he admitted that he attracted his girlfriend of nearly 2 years by being a dick to her and that intrigued her.. i'll never forget on the way home from the bars on my 22nd birthday, i was bitching to my brother that "all girls like assholes" and he said "they don't marry the assholes, eventually they figure it out so don't change".. he's been through many breakups where he thought it was the end of the world, now he's married to the woman of his dreams and has 2 of the cutest girls on the planet.. so don't get so hung up on one person because it'll work out if it's supposed to and the person that you eventually end up with will probably blow that other person out of the water.. it's science.. besides, if it's a "bad boy" you want, i have a tattoo and my ears pierced.. i may or may not have been involved in a gang fight in the past month, you never know.. and my mom says i look "mean" in my drivers license picture.. get in line, girls..
that being said, i get jealous hearing my engaged roommate tell his fiancee that he loves her every night on the phone, having never said that or been told that.. it sounds like he enjoys saying it..
currently suffering from "swelly" (sweaty belly).. probably a direct cause-and-effect from the scalding hot coffee i dumped on it.. God i'm dumb.. and this fly by my head sounds like a small helicopter.. so that's cool..
sudden mood swing as the college-aged girl next to me leaned down to reach into her backpack and totally caught a glimpse of the white thong (white quickly becoming my favorite color).. i should say something to her.. "hi", i say in my head.. maybe i'll let this one go considering the giant brown stain on my shirt.. can't let her think i'm bad with my hands and mouth.. stupid lid..
my roommates and i are fans of wrestling each other in the living room to the point of submission.. a "Rowdy" Roddy Piper sleeper hold suddenly countered by a splash off the couch, ala "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka.. we've suffered some injuries that have required medical attention but most of them involved fighting opponents that weren't in our weight class and we deserved it.. side note on "Rowdy" Roddy Piper: as a young boy, i was never more traumatized as the night i saw him attacked on a wrestling show when these bad guys put a folding chair around his leg and stomped down on it.. i think i cried for days.. i was obsessed with wrestling growing up.. mom says when i was 2 years old, i used to ask "is wessling on?" every single night.. could i be any cuter, you ask? no i couldn't, and i have photographic evidence..
strip clubs frown upon you answering your cell phone while seated by the stage.. apparently cause you might want to take a picture of that Grand Canyon of a vagina garnished by the Playboy bunny pubic hair.. or those bullet wounds, stretch marks or needle scars.. they'll confiscate your phone and you won't get it back until you leave.. kinda like science class, except more blue balls and less note-taking..
at Buffalo Wild Wings recently and had a red-hot, racked-out boombalottie waitress with a giant rock on her finger.. hey, i have an idea: either wear the ring OR the skin-tight black pants.. not both, that's just mean.. i should have asked "boyfriend?" and when she said yes, come back with "do you want a manfriend?".. it never fails and it's kinda charming in a "creepy stalker" way.. "do you guys need anything else?".. "umm yes, some more ranch and if you could be less hot that'd be terrific, i'm trying to watch this game".. whatever, here's a generous tip that you can spend on your honeymoon and douchebag husband.. i hope you get fat.. and a divorce.. and then get skinny again and find me..
24 Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers
(in a related story, women are cool)..
1. "Take off your clothes and turn on the music."
2. Before she left for an extended trip abroad: "Don't worry. You know you own it."
3. "Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything."
4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."
5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"
6. "If I don't kiss you before the night is over, I'll consider my year a failure."
7. Written on a card that came with flowers she sent him: "This is for the great sex we're going to have tonight."
8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."
9. "If you ever discuss your girlfriend problems with another woman, you will end up sleeping with her. So . . . tell me about your girlfriend problems."
10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"
11. "You're my daddy."
12. She pointed to her eye, then made a circle with her finger and thumb, stuck her other forefinger through it, and pointed at him.
13. "I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?"
14. "Show me everything you know."
15. "I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower."
16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."
17. "I'll make your bed spin."
18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"
19. "Spank me now!"
20. "How the hell did you do that?"
21. "You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me."
22. On the freeway: "Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?"
23. "Give it to me, baby, and give them a good show."
24. "It hurts, but I love it when you do it."
Lyrics of the Week (i'm feeling generous, i know i did this last night)..
"More Than a Moment" by Tim Mahoney
When I think about the way I lied
And the eventide
Of me and you
Something tears me up inside
And I'm crucified by the truth
It's hard to say goodbye
But someday, I hope you realize
The more I see you
The more I want you
The more I need you
For more than a moment
The more I breathe you
The more my sorrow
The more I need you
For more than a moment
More
I felt the tables turn around
I've broken down
I've broken you
Without you, life is like a ghost town
It's such a let down
What can I do?
It's hard to say goodbye
But someday I hope you realize
The more I see you
The more I want you
The more I need you
For more than a moment
The more I breathe you
The more my sorrow
The more I need you
For more than a moment
More
I don't wanna let go
I don't wanna lie
I don't wanna be the star in someone elses sky
It's your sky
"Simple Life" by Tim Mahoney
She knows she could be a rock star
But she'd rather be understated
She just wants something real
Something her heart can feel
Nothing too complicated
Now I, I don't have much
But maybe it's enough
She could have anything she wants
It's understood
She could marry herself a movie star in Hollywood
And she says "I don't think I need it anymore
Cause it's you that makes me happy
So give me the simple life
Give me the simple life"
She knows she could be a super model
But she wants to be more than beauty
Yeah she could live in Rome
But Kansas feels like home
That's where she's waiting for me now
Now I, I don't have much
But maybe it's enough
She could have anything she wants
It's understood
She could marry herself a movie star in Hollywood
And she says "I don't think I need it anymore
Cause it's you that makes me happy
So give me the simple life
Give me the simple life
She knows she could be a rock star
But she'd rather be mine
"Just A Girl" by Tim Mahoney
Woke up in your empty garden
Where you watch as I lay
You have no use for me it seems
You only take what you need
She's polite like a wave in the parade
Says thank you and hello
And she'll break you up and cut you right down to your soul
You won't even know
She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl
She laughs at her angels
She stands on her own
She won't lie
Look in her eyes
She'll run and hide
She's polite like a wave in the parade
She'll break you up and cut you right down to your soul
You won't even know
She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that she's leading me on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl
She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that I'm still holding on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl
She's just a girl
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