Saturday night, a roommate of mine became drunkenly obsessed with finding the computer game, "Sim Farm" online for free. If you don't know what "Sim Farm" is it's basically like "Sim City" only it's a farm. You basically manage your own farm, crops and animals in an attempt to make a profit. Since we had been drinking for hours, this immediately became the greatest game in the history of games. A few highlights:
Roommate (across the house, to me): "Should I sell my horses for $119 a piece?"
Me: "How many do you have?"
Roommate: "Nine."
Me: "Of course. Did you plant a strawberry patch yet?"
- Missy the Cow won first prize at the fair in some sort of contest for cows, winning us $1,000, culminating in an awkward manhug/high five.
- Our cousin Jed lost at the rodeo, costing us $500.
- A swarm of locusts ate half our strawberry patch before prime selling season.
- Roommate accidentally bulldozed some of our fence down so our cows escaped.
- We bought 4 silos immediately and never put anything in them, wasting boatloads of money.
- While Roommate was peeing, I took the reins and immediately forgot to fertilize the strawberry patch and give the horses water, opting instead to watch the field goal being kicked in overtime of the San Diego/Indianapolis game, ending my brief farming career.
New Year’s Eve
Contrary to the last post, we didn't end up making it to those VIP bars, due to some private parties that took them over (whatever). Instead, we ended up north of Minneapolis at a bar called Major's. All events are told to the best of my knowledge and recollection. Names are left out to hide identity and reduce embarrassment for everyone but myself. Here’s the running diary:
7:00 p.m.: Friend (we'll call him Sophomore) arrives at my house. Hugs and hand pounds all around. We settle in with Bud Light and watch the Gophers bowl game.
8:30 to 9:00 p.m.: I get dressed and spray on some smells-good. Put two condoms in my back pocket. I’m not expecting anything, I’d just rather have the reason for not having sex be "you're not attractive" instead of "I would, but you don't have protection.” If that situation presented itself in a strange city, I’d sprint around looking for a gas station and finally be so disheveled by the time I get to one, I’d likely be hit with a Taser and hauled downtown. Also, two condoms instead of one is just foresight, knowing that I’d be drunk and probably in the dark, I’m more likely tear one in half or put it on the wrong way. I’m always thinking..
9:30 p.m.: We pick up female friend (we’ll call her Black Dress) at work. I pee there.
10:00 to 10:30 p.m.: Most boring road ever. Give us a billboard or a bank clock or drive-by shooting or something.
10:45 p.m.: Sophomore "I can see it from here" (we're an entire city away).
10:52 p.m.: Missed the exit, turn around. Sophomore claims we're only blocks away from his house and he knows exactly where we are. Finally..
10:55 p.m.: Sophomore (on phone with friend we're meeting): "Okay, now I don't know where I am again.” oh boy. I mentally prepare to spend midnight of New Year’s Eve lost in a strange truck while listening to Britney Spears.
11:00 p.m.: Finally pull into the parking lot. I excitedly suggest we go in the bar with the pretty blue lights (Bella's). I’m outvoted. We go into Major's to meet the people we're supposed to meet.
11:05 p.m.: Cool, $9.00 cover charge. Where are the topless girls??
11:10 p.m.: Have to pee. Notice TV in the bathroom, consider moving in.
11:15 p.m.: Sophomore buys our first round of drinks. His friend (Junior) buys a round of shots. Coming in hot.
11:20 p.m.: Look for the dance floor. Not nearly lubed up enough to dance yet but want to get used to the lighting, flooring, volume, etc. An artist always inspects his canvas..
11:30 p.m.: Notice that Junior has a cousin here with large arms, along with his pregnant fiancé. Only know that Fiancé is pregnant through word of mouth. Notice that Fiancé is lava-hot.
11:45 p.m.: Bouncers hand us some cardboard things wrapped in plastic. "What the fuck are these?” I ask, politely. "Streamers, throw them at midnight", he replies. Jesus, if I wanted to exercise I’d go to the gym. Open immediately, throw far.
11:51 p.m.: Send mass text to sister and roommates: "If you were Junior's cousin with huge arms, how mad would you be if I had sex with your pregnant fiancé? On a scale of 1 to 10?" Show text to Sophomore and Black Dress. Sophomore declares it the highlight of his night. Black Dress looks at me in disbelief. "What?" Imagine not having to wear my two condoms to protect against pregnancy. Imagine having Fiancé’s fiancé tying my legs in a knot around my head. Go get another beer.
12:00 a.m.: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! A plastic thing full of balloons hangs over the dance floor. The bouncers pull strings to release balloons. One balloon falls to the floor. Drunk dancers tear the rest of it down and stomp on every balloon. Didn’t see that coming..
12:10 a.m.: Sophomore: "(unintelligible).” Me: "Can't hear you, that guys shirt is too loud" (point at guy in pink and green striped shirt).
12:15 a.m.: A verbal disagreement between Fiancé and her baby daddy escalates to the point of him going outside, presumably to practice giving his unborn child a lung disease. Fiancé heads to the dance floor alone. Have this conversation with Black Dress:
Black Dress: "Go dance with her.”
Me: "She's engaged and pregnant.”
Black Dress: "So?"
Me: "Good point.”
Someone brings shots to impede my grinding on Fiancé, in the process impeding my painful death.
12:20 a.m.: Guys are taking pictures of themselves.. with no one else in the picture. Decide that these are the guys that had mirrors in their lockers in high school.
12:25 a.m.: Definitely ready to dance. Bouncer stops my graceful entrance by handing me a plastic cup. Unsure of what to do with it, I give it to Black Dress. He hands me another and instructs me to pour my beer into it. I guess I had the "drunk guy who may start throwing beer bottles at any moment" look on my face. For $9 I should have taken all the cups and started an impromptu shirts and skins beer pong tournament..
12:35 a.m.: Notice hot girl wearing blue somewhere on her body (only thing I can remember). Consider asking her what side of the bed she wants to wake up on tomorrow.
12:45 a.m.: Girls surround me and my Reeboks wit da straps. I decide I’m hot in this part of the state. Black Dress later informs me it was because I’m a "great dancer.” I smile.
12:50 a.m.: Junior introduces me to an overweight/underattractive girl who asks me to dance. Against my better judgement, I accept her invitation. Use this time to scan dance floor for smokeshows. Attempt to make eye contact with Sophomore so we can share in the hilarity of the moment. He ignores me. Longest song ever. At least her ass is in my crotch so I don't have to look at her. Later learn from Sophomore that Junior made this arrangement so he could try hitting on the girl with blue somewhere on her body because he was “threatened by me.” A solid 9.6 on the Comedy Scale.
1:00 a.m.: Guy who has clearly never danced or touched female genitalia takes over the dance floor and starts a line dance. I stare, astonished.
1:10 a.m.: Sophomore: "What do you think about that girl?" (points to attractive girl). Me: "she's hot but we're fighting right now cause she hasn't asked to sit on my face yet.” Black Dress overhears, acts disgusted. Me: "What? I like outgoing girls.” She laughs.
1:20 a.m.: Silently wonder if I signed up for the Verizon plan that doesn't allow girls to call or text after midnight.
1:25 a.m.: I could eat a fucking zebra right now. Glad I had that banana at 8:30. God I’m an idiot.
1:30 a.m.: Sophomore and Junior argue about Black Dress. Head to dance floor with Black Dress to avoid crossfire. Prepare to intervene if things escalate.
1:35 a.m.: Last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer. Sophomore and Junior still arguing. Black Dress and I still getting our collective swerve on.
1:55 a.m.: Fight breaks out between two hillbillies with sleeveless shirts. Wonder if I’m "too dressed up" because I have sleeves on. Decide that their fight was probably about who's girlfriend/cousin would win the pie-eating contest at this summer’s county fair.
2:00 a.m.: Walking to the door. Black Dress: "I can't believe I didn't kiss anyone on New Year’s. She elects to kiss me, presumably because I’m right next to her and a “great dancer.”
2:00 to 2:15 a.m.: Junior thinks he's sober enough to drive Black Dress' dad’s truck to Fiancé and Baby Daddy's house. I disagree and tell him that. He insists and starts the truck. I open my door and get out. We get in a shouting match about whether or not he's too drunk to drive. I inform him my New Year’s resolution isn't to die in a fiery alcohol related crash after 3 hours. He stares at me. I tell him not to stare at me. He turns truck off.
2:15 a.m.: Victory piss behind the truck.
2:15 to 2:30 a.m.: More talking about how we're getting to a place to sleep. Junior either has cab number written on hand or cheated on a math quiz earlier in the day. Elected to wait a half hour before calling. I have aneurysm. No answer from cab store.
2:35 a.m.: I politely ask Junior for the cab number. He gives it to me and I dial, fully expecting a bilingual tug-of-war with a guy named Grwddxdcffstyg Jkggkkjjffeggijji. Get no answer. Great..
2:45 a.m.: Junior realizes he's not driving with me in the backseat and Sophomore is fully enforcing the "no wingman left behind" law. Junior gets out. I consider walking to Fiancé’s house to see if they had patched things up or if she needed "consoling” (i.e. an orgasm).
3:00 a.m.: Miraculously arrive at a hotel. Black Dress sprints barefoot to go pee while I carry her shoes in.
3:05 a.m.: Desk clerk cheerily informs us that a 2-bed room is $100. I cheerily inform Sophomore that I have $16. Sophomore not so cheerily gets out his Discover card..
3:10 to 3:25 a.m.: Piss..
10:30 a.m.: Wake up, make bet with self:
10:31 a.m.: Condoms still in the back of jeans. Knew it..
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