the beautiful letdown..

this post is being co-brought to you by the small talk strippers try to start before giving you a lap dance and Cosmo coming up with roughly 1,289,304 "new" sex tips in the last 3 years..

went to a strip club on Saturday night for a buddy's birthday.. obviously we got liquored up beforehand, because going to a strip club sober is beyond weird.. we find a table and quickly realize we're seated on the wrong side of the room.. the strippers came out of the back from the other side to offer lap dances, so the hottest ones were quickly taken.. we kept getting the Grade D strippers coming over to us, it was gross.. at one point, birthday boy went to the bathroom and some hideous girl game over to me.. the following conversation took place:

Godzilla: "sooo.... i'm ready for you"
Me: "i don't know what that means"
Godzilla: "it means i'm ready for you"
Me: "yeah, that doesn't help" (she rolls her eyes and goes after her next victim)..

since no semi-hot strippers were making their way over to us, birthday boy took matters into his own hands and told a bouncer to tell "Honey" to come over to us, since she was just on stage and pretty hot.. she came over, he paid her $60 to dance naked on him for 3 songs in the VIP room.. while he's doing this, i'm scouting talent.. some girl had some hot pink chaps on with the ass cut out of them, and she was giving some dude a dance on one of the $25 chairs.. i made up my mind, that's who's giving me my dance.. finally, she's done giving her dance to the weird guy who's sticking his tongue out at her, and starts putting her "clothes" back on.. as she's doing this, i make eye contact with her.. it's easy to be confident when their livelihood depends on making money by flirting and undressing.. she walks over to me and starts her little sales pitch.. "i'll take a dance", i say.. halfway through this dance, she grabs my tie and says, "did your girlfriend give you this tie? i like to mark my territory" and rubbed it between her breasts.. i'm sure i tried saying something clever but it's impossible for a man to have enough blood for an erection AND brain activity at the same time.. anyway, it's over and we hug like we're old friends or something.. later, she walks by and birthday boy asks if i was good for her.. she's like "oh yeah, i couldn't feel his nipples though".. couldn't feel my nipples?? i was titty-fucking you with my pants on, how do you expect to feel my nipples? and i can't say the same thing about you..

meanwhile, about three bachelor parties are taking place, and one-by-one the bachelors are brought on stage to be tortured.. the strippers take turns forcefully riding the guys crushing their grapes.. it's less sexy than it sounds.. then they pull up the guys shirt and slap him as hard as possible.. then, he has to get on his hands and knees, bark like a dog while they pull the elastic out of his underwear.. no thanks, i think i'll stay unmarried.. we finally flag down a bouncer to call us a cab and get out of here.. while we're sitting there, Honey comes back and sits on birthday boy's lap and they talk about their feelings and the future and stuff? another girl comes up to me, asks me if i want a dance and i say "no thanks".. she doesn't leave.. "why not? aren't i pretty enough?".. "you're okay but i already got a dance from that girl" (points to stage).. "nice work, she's hot".. "i know, that's why i picked her".. "i'm hot too".. "eh".. "you have soft hands".. "thanks".. "you remind me of my friend Mike".. "he's pretty hot, huh?".. "you're hotter".. "you're paid to say that".. she's getting frustrated.. my attention turns to a female customer being brought onstage and simulating oral sex with a stripper.. "that's illegal right?".. "i don't know".. she's clearly annoyed by me not giving her attention.. "well, i think we're leaving", i tell her.. "your loss", she says.. "i know, i won't be able to sleep tonight".. i'm cocky to strippers..

i hate when girls fish for compliments, then when you compliment them they act like you're out of your mind.. since my personality is to compliment girls when i like them, i fall right into their trap and then they get bored because they know they've conquered me and they go on to the next guy to do the same thing.. eventually a guy doesn't fall into their trap and play their little game, and that's the guy that they obsess over.. this is the best example of this: i know i've written before about a girl from a couple years ago who had self-esteem issues, so she craved compliments and attention.. since i also have self-esteem issues, i feel that the only way to stand out among other guys is to shower her with praise, etc.. the aforementioned girl jumped right into "relationship" mode with me while i was actually playing it cool.. finally i started to like her and do the "relationshippy" stuff, then she decided to tell me she liked my roommate.. still, me being an idiot, i felt the need to buy her Christmas presents.. and that February, i gave her a quilt for her birthday that my mom had started making before everything went down.. yes, it's possible to be too nice, and some girls milk it for all it's worth.. i've been told how many times by people close to me (and a blog reader who knew a "girl of my past") that i'm wasting my time with those girls, that they love attention from every guy, and i'm "too good of a person" for it.. someday i'll get that through my head..


continuing with the book that i started with in my last post, here are a few more rules that i found funny from "The Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By":

Rule #21: Use Every Four-Letter Word But One.

It starts with L, as in Limiting your options. It continue with O, as in Oh shit. Then V, as in Valentine's-Day-gifts-and-related-horseshit. It ends with E, as in Eternity - as in the fiery hell of forever.

You hate love. You refuse to say it before she does. And when she does say it, you squirm, you smile uncomfortably, and you brainstorm exit strategies. You're not ready to reciprocate, but you're trapped - you lack a viable comeback. That's because the comeback doesn't exist.

Pretend she just told you that she loves you for the very first time. Consider your options.

"Thank you." This is easily cracked code for "You suck. Please leave. This isn't working. It's not that I'm 'not attracted to you'; it's that you're unattractive. There's a difference. One's my fault; the other's yours. Goodbye now. Don't write. Or text. Or call. No, really. Goodbye. And thank you."

"I know." Only if you're about to get frozen in carbonate.

"I love the people you love." It just might perplex her for a few seconds, but soon she'll wise up and demand more. Even when delivered with panache and boyish charm, this is, at best, a Band-Aid.

"I find you really special." Only if you're gentleman enough to also give her a barf bag.

"You too." Still not great, but it's among the best of your bad options. It gives you wiggle room. It will flummox her, triggering a seven-hour debate among her girlfriends; they'll parse these two words, wondering what, exactly, you mean by "you too." A real head-scratcher. On the one hand, you didn't leave her hanging; on the other, you didn't explicitly tell her that you love her. But you kind of implied it. Or did you?


Rule #23: Only Fear One Thing

Death. Getting old. Gonorrhea. These things don't scare you. There's only one little word that flood your heart with terror: commitment.

It doesn't matter if you're happy with the girl. You could be jubilant. You could be humping like jackrabbits, chafing from all the hot action, inventing new positions during the best sex of your life. With her, you never stop laughing. You love that she smells like strawberries. You think it's cute that she dips bagels into honey. You've never been happier. Ever. Yet the idea of continuing this happiness - of being as happy next month as you are today - strikes you as patently stupid.

To clarify. You're actually able to commit to some things, just not women. In ascending order of importance, the things in this world that command your lifelong, undying commitment:

1.) Your old sneakers. With torn laces and pancaked soles, they're not much good for anything besides mowing the lawn. Which is fine. They've done something that nothing - and no one - could ever do; they've spend their whole lives tolerating the odor of your feet. So they've earned your respect.

2.) Your old comic book collection. If someone threatened to rob your old childhood house, steal your old Spider-Mans, then soak them in kerosene and light a match, your blood would boil over in rage. You'd never recover. If someone said that next week your girlfriend might move to London, you'd think, "I hope it's before Valentine's Day!"

3.) Your favorite sports team. (See Rule #3)

4.) Your dog. You don't think it's weird - because it's not - that you refuse to promise your girlfriend a commitment past Wednesday, but you're willing to pledge the net nine, ten, fourteen years to a four-legged creature that shits on your carpet.

5.) Your family. If your brother gets arrested in Tijuana for accidentally killing a hooker, you're on the next flight to TJ and you'll bail him out, that old rascal.


Rule #24: She Must Be Half Your Age, Plus Seven

So let's crunch the numbers. If you're 18, you're permitted to date a 16-year-old and no younger. When you hit 22, she better be old enough to vote. When you're 30, she needs to be 22 - just old enough so you can't be suspected of meeting her at Parents' Weekend. When you're a bathrobe-wearing, leathery 90-year-old who hasn't had an erection since your second divorce, your new "girlfriend" must be 52. (I'm looking at you, Woody Allen.)

This age is the bare minimum. It is not, however, necessarily recommended. Sometimes, dating a much younger girl can trigger unforeseen complications. Believe it or not, after the first several dates and after you've had sex, in many cases, you'll begin to notice the girl's personality. You'll even start having conversations.

During the initial courtship phase, you see, these "conversations" are avoided through the workmanlike consumption of alcohol. True, you both say words, creating the illusion of a back-and-forth. But the chitchat is 60 percent flirting, 20 percent mindless blather, 12 percent lying, and 8 percent substance. Swap in "pandering" for "flirting" and it's the exact same ratio as a presidential debate.


Rule #26: Never Ask For Her Number

You're scratching your head. Huh? "Isn't that the point of talking to girls in bars? Isn't that the glorious meme of Swingers, getting numbers, getting digits?"

There's a better way. When you say to a girl, "Can I have your number?" you give her the chance to say no. Never give her that window. Follow these seven steps:

1.) Give her your card. (You do have business cards on hand, right? Good.)
2.) Take a second card from your wallet.
3.) Flip the second card over, blank side up.
4.) Grab a pen.
5.) Hold the pen over the card like you're getting ready to write.
6.) Ask her, "What's the best way to reach you, phone or e-mail?"
7.) Check. Mate.

That's just part of your bag of tricks. Other tactics you should (and probably already do) follow include:

Eye contact. A little obvious? Perhaps. But like keeping your head down when swinging a golf club, it's something simple and basic that's easy to forget. Strong eye contact is more important that what you say, especially if you're dumb.

Don't use a line. Unless delivered with extraordinary humor and panache (I have neither), a pickup line is embarrassing for all parties involved. You don't need to say anything witty, even. You'll be surprised by the mileage a simple "How's it going" will get you.

A picture's worth a thousand whores. A group of girls, once they've consumed at least three sips of alcohol, is physically incapable of going an hour without pictures. This is a layup. Just volunteer to take their picture, tell them it came out great ("that's a framer!"), and you're instantly involved in their conversation. This is also a proven tactic for being the wedge.


Rule #27: Always Hold The Door.

You hold the door for her. Period. Whether it's a car door, hotel door, restaurant door, or train door, and even - brace yourself - whether she's cute or gross, young or old, single or taken, model or troll. It's not about scoring points. It's about chivalry.

Other required acts of chivalry:

Light her cigarette: I'm not a smoker. I don't have any philosophical problems with cigarettes - any industry that creates jobs, keeps our doctors busy, and gives something to the kiddos is okay by me - but I've never enjoyed the taste. Many years ago, back in my embarrassingly early days of flirting, I leaned in to light a girl's cigarette. I had two problems. First, I couldn't operate the lighter. Literally - I didn't know how to make it work. (It was my first time.) Second, and even more humiliating, I lit the wrong end of her cigarette. It's very, very difficult to come off as a suave Lothario when she's laughing at your incompetence.

Hail her a cab. No, you don't have to do one of those freakishly high-pitched cab whistles, but you must follow one principle: be bold. You should actively put your body in the street (leaving the sidewalk) and aggressively stare down a cab. Decisiveness matters. Of course, helplessly watching fifty-eight occupied cabs zip past isn't quite Cary Grant, either, so keep a car service number in your cell as backup.

Help her with her coat. If it's one of those fitted little "girl sweaters" that's smaller than your boxers, forget it. But if it's an actual coat-coat, the kind of thing she wears when she's col? Help her in; help her out.

Advanced move: Pull out her chair. This one can be tricky. It's not always welcome, it's not always feasible, and it just might lead you to ramming her breasts into the table. Which is less sexy than it sounds.

This old debate bores me, and I suspect it bores you, too, so we'll keep this brief. Is there sinister, underlying presumption in chivalry that women need help from men - implying their weaker, incapable of helping themselves - which therefore makes it sexist? It's a fair question. You shouldn't be condescending or overbearing. Assuming you're neither, the next time she brings this up, just ask her to get the door and carry your suitcase.


Rule #28: Go For RBIs, Not Batting Average.

There's the old saying about a guy who walks into a bar and asks every woman he sees, "Excuse me, may I jump your bones?" And 99 times out of 100, he gets kneed in the balls or soaked with beer. But that 1 time out of 100 - that's something special, that's something magical.

The key to meeting women is not giving a shit. You need to be loose, fearless, and unsaddled by expectations. You don't fear rejection. You embrace it. When you worry about your batting average, you choke.

Once you get comfortable with failure - wallow in it - you prime yourself for success. Yes, this smacks of cliche, but it merits discussion nonetheless: you have absolutely nothing to lose. As reductive as this sounds, let's consider the possible consequences of hitting on a random girl at the bar.

Scenario 1: She's into you. The two of you laugh, flirt, touch forearms, exchange numbers. Good work.

Scenario 2: She's not feeling it. As you awkwardly sip your empty beer and fumble through stilted conversation, she nervously glances back at her friends with a "help" look in her eyes, then she whips out her cell phone and has a sudden, urgent need to text her cousin. Okay. Dead end. But here's the thing.. who cares? You've known this girl for less than thirty seconds. You'll never see her again. Unless you did something wretches like the guy above (the bone-jumper), she won't say anything toxic to her friends. Relax. Focus on the positive, that's one less girl who might give you a disease.

Scenario 3: She's booze-hooking. A booze-hooker trolls the bar for free drinks, accepts your cocktail, flirts for five minutes, then pivots away. Because you never know which girls are booze-hookers (they blend in), never buy drinks as a shortcut for an introduction. You want the girl to like you on your own merits, not because you're bribing her with liquor.


Rule #29: Keep The One-Night Stands Classy.

A little casual sex never hurt anyone. (Except when it poisons friendships, or leads to emotional scarring, or explodes into political scandal, or triggers the breakup of a band, or ends a marriage, or leads to an unwanted pregnancy, or infects someone with an STD and kills them, or - if you're so inclined - damns your soul to an eternity of pain, fire, and unrelenting torture. Other than all that, a little casucal sex never hurt anyone.)

Casual sex is just one more plank of the sexual revolution - a natural extention of feminism, really - so you're honoring the principles of women's suffrage, Betty Friedan, Virginia Woolf, Gandhi, and Betty Crocker. Flings are fine. You may not, however, act like a douchebag. Specifically, you may never be the following:

The Bait-and-Switcher. You may not pretend to really, really be into her - hinting that you want a serious relationship, you want her as your girlfriend - and then give her a pink slip, without two-week's notice, as soon as you dip your stick.

The Fader Outer. You may not make plans and then cancel, and then make even vaguer, out-there-in-the-future plans and then cancel, then gradually space out the plans for weeks and weeks, teasing and taunting her because you lack the balls to end it. Suck it up. Rip the Band-Aid.

The Taker. Don't be that guy who doesn't know how to reciprocate. It doesn't matter if you never see each other again: if you receive, give.

The Creepy Aggressor. True, guys never want to take it slow. But that absolutely does not give you license to keep pushing, pushing, pushing until she's uncomfortable and borderline scared. Gross. Wrong.

The Poorly Disguised Regretter. Maybe she looks worse in the morning. (So do you, buddy.) Keep that to yourself. You can feel it, but you can't betray any hint of buyers' remorse. Keep your game face on.


The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman, from Men's Health:

1. "Good morning."

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

3. "I can't stop touching you."

4. "Want to join me in the shower?"

5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you."

6. "I love how you taste."

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

9. Her name—her full name—followed by a "Wow."

10. "I'll get the light."

11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend."

12. "No one's ever done that before."

13. "Can we do that again?"

14. "I love your [fill in body part here]."

15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.

16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

18. "I'll go make coffee."

19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you."

20. "Let's play hooky today."

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot."

22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.

25. "I'm ready to go again."

26. Damn, I've missed you."

27. "How about a massage?"

28. Playful laughter.

29. "Don't ever leave me."

30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."