this past weekend was the annual trip to Blackduck, MN for deer hunting. as always, the level of comedy was high. I tried to remember some high points, we'll see how close to chronological order I can get them. Here goes:
* Stop at liquor store after work, grab a case of beer, vodka, sour and a bottle of cherry schnapps. Consider getting something called "Sour Puss", knowing the fun that would be had with that title in a camp full of twelve men but think it might be overkill to bring that two years in a row.
* Get home, make sure I have everything I need, stressing the toilet paper and baby butt wipes, which are used for "bathing." Decide to maybe get out to my parents before 11:30 p.m. like last year, which I'll blame on my first ever webcam date. I'll go easy on her since she texted me immediately afterwards to say "good news: you look cuter than I remembered."
* Get out to my parents before my brothers who are driving up from the Rochester area. So I do what I always do when I get to my parents: check the refrigerator first. Not sure what that is but I'm eating it (that's what he said).
* Unload my stuff from my car and start loading it into my dad's Blazer. Bounce head off the back lift gate for the second straight year. Fuck. "God are you dumb," my brother tells me. That's a little foreshadowing, my friends.
* My brothers and I compare beards. I take bronze. Consider doing the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan sneak attack on them..
* We watch "All Day with Adrian Peterson" and take joy in the fact that the Vikings have a bye week so we won't miss watching them. Although, we did listen to the 296 yard game Adrian's rookie year on the way home which was awesome. Still more fun to watch than listen (that's what she said).
* Go to sleep at 12:45 a.m., need to wake up in 4 hours. since I have a hard time falling asleep when I know I have to wake up soon, I toss and turn for about an hour probably. Should have brought "Twilight."
* Wake up at 4:30 a.m. voluntarily. Go upstairs, immediately lay on couch. Mom has been awake for an hour I'm sure and is reading, even though she has the day off. The hospital had to have given her the wrong baby.
* "How do you make coffee with this thing?" my brother Bryan ponders from the kitchen. "Set your purse down and try", I offer. Which is made even more funny because he was looking for Vitamin C drops in the cupboard and nearly took a woman's daily vitamin.
* In the mile drive from my parents to my uncles house where we meet, Bryan nearly puts us in the ditch while trying to juggle his coffee cup. This is going to be a long 210 miles.
* We meet at my uncle Ron's and pack up a trailer, which immediately starts on fire when it's plugged into the truck to get the taillight to work. Good start. We all drive off to meet at the El Paso in St. Joe and get on the road.
* One of my favorite things about the trip is the drive up with my brothers, although this year it was just Bryan and I together because Steve rode with a friend who had no one with him. I brought my iPod with and plugged it in to show him new songs I've found, and he plays me a band from Iowa called the Hangdogs which he discovered while he was in New York. Some Hangdogs hits: "They Don't Play No Country On The East Side of New York", "Drink Yourself to Death", "Alcohol of Fame", "If I Don't Bring You Flowers", "Goodbye Booze", "She's Leaving You." Not surprisingly, they're old-school country..
* He goes over the night before and how hard it was to leave his house. He has two girls (ages 8 and 4) who are total daddy's girls and just bawled as he was getting ready to leave. His youngest stood on the front step in her pajamas as he was backing out, and as he waved to her she broke down crying so he went back in and hugged her for 5 minutes before he could leave again. By Sunday, he says he misses them so much that he's sick to his stomach. I think that's super cool.
* The topic turns to me and girls, as always. I explained to him that with my self-esteem and anxiety issues, it's hard for me to be confident in my ability to make a girl happy. I always think that she'll be looking for something better and I don't measure up to guys who are better looking, smarter, make more money, etc. I hate using that as an excuse but it's a legitimate issue for me. He went on to explain that everyone gets turned down and you can't let it bother you. The two most important things about a girl are if she's cool and if you get along, if not, nothing else matters. The question of whether or not you can marry someone comes way down the road and you should concentrate on getting to know them. He said I have a great personality and I'm a good guy, there are guys out there who have neither of those traits and somehow tricked girls into marrying them. Some girls will try to play mind games and just use you to get attention, he met several while in college and that gets old quickly, you just have to be confident enough to realize there are girls out there who are real. He had one girlfriend in college who was super hot but super crazy from Day 1, and that's pointless. A girl who you end up wanting to marry will be super cool, share your values, be your best friend and be someone you can trust and talk to about anything. This is all stuff that I know but it helps to hear it from someone who has your best interest at heart. Anyway, that was the main topic on the ride up, which is the reason for the giant paragraph. He also said "girls are weird, man. Even if you find a cool one, they'll still do things that drive you crazy." Cool..
* We get to Blackduck and eat at a restaurant that we always stop at. 90% of the table orders a special for $5.99 that includes an omelet, sausage and hash browns. I do not do this. I tell the waitress that I would like a #2, which consisted of 2 eggs (scrambled), bacon and hash browns. I also ordered three pancakes and a large orange juice. The rest of the table mocks the amount of food I order by continuing "plus a loaf of bread, three dozen eggs, a Big Mac...") Three pancakes the size of my head show up. "I'm going to need energy for my nap later on," I tell them. No harm done either, Papa always pays for my brothers and I at breakfast. I pee before we hit the road for the last little stretch, see my uncle Ron come out of the women's bathroom. Don't ask questions..
* We get to camp, the same spot my Dad and his crew have been coming since the late 60's. Since I wore sweatpants on the way up, my first job is to change into jeans and boots. Bryan gets out of the truck, "don't lock it, I'm leaving the keys in here while we set up." I shut my door and re-open it to make sure it's open. No issues.
* 10 minutes later, Bryan goes to open the back and get out gloves. It's locked. "God you're dumb," I tell him. That's where the foreshadowing came back.. luckily my dad brought his extra set of keys because he knows Bryan's history. How the truck got locked is still a mystery.
* We clear out the spot to put the 2 giant army tents that will be our home for the next few days. It takes 10 guys to figure out all the angles and measurements. I'm not one of those guys. Instead, I ask Bryan, "how long do you think it would take just you and me to set these things up?" "A year and a half," he deadpans.
* Cut down trees for firewood. To prove my manliness, I grab an ax to start splitting. 15 chops in on the first log and it hasn't split yet. "I think my ax is broken." Meanwhile, my uncle Ron has a pile of wood up to his nipples already split. My back is fucking killing me. Don't chop wood while on your period, I guess. I wonder if "Grey's" is a rerun tonight?
* Everything else gets set up, the tents, cots, generator, lights, stoves, etc. I do as little as possible. Not because I'm lazy but because I'm the rookie essentially and don't want to fuck things up.
* "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw comes on the radio. "Anyone wanna slow dance?", Bryan offers. We also learn that our DJ's name is "Bubbles." Apparently the list of DJ names and stripper names were sent to the wrong buildings.
* Someone tells a terrible story about a guy who fell backwards onto some sort of pin that mushrooms when you hit it. Not only that, this guy landed on this pin with his asshole. This pin went through his jeans and directly up into his rectum. I nearly vomit. The guy needed surgery, obviously, and probably some expensive therapy. "That will ruin his weekend," I say.
* I shoot a spike buck (2 horns) on Saturday morning at 8:05. Walk back to camp, no one is there. I drink two beers and start texting people to alert them of my master animal killing skillz.
* My brother Steve volunteer to learn how to gut a deer from one of the other guys in camp. My job is to hold the legs open. "Cut around the nutsack," was one of the instructions. I immediately regret shooting the deer. Steve ends up covered in blood somehow. "Are you sure I didn't get shot?" he says.
* Take picture with my deer wearing only my long underwear. Cause that's how I roll.
* On the way back from registering my deer, Bryan asks, "how good is it gonna feel to put a bar of soap on your beans?" Well said.
I may have set a new outdoor record for "that's what she said"s in a 4 day period. Here are a few that I remember where others would say innocent every-day sentences and I would make them R-rated because I'm immature:
Chopping wood: "We're gonna have to make that smaller."
Walking into the swamp: "Why is it so wet? it wasn't this wet last time."
Putting up a deer stand: "It'll take 30 seconds."
Turning tree steps into a tree: "Fuck that's hard."
Going into the woods: "Where do you go in?"
Doing dishes:
Bryan to Jason: "how were dishes, J?"
Jason: "Wet and sloppy."
Me: "That's what she said"
Jason: "I wanted to give you an easy one."
Me: "That's what she said."
Bryan: "You're quick today."
Me: "That's what she said."
Packing the truck: "We have a lot to go in there yet, in a little spot."
Discussing my deer: "well you were the first, not the biggest."
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