Your 10 Biggest Sex Questions Answered - Men's Health

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10 MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

I love you, man.

Specifically, I love the questions you ask me. Or that you ask me questions at all. In fact, any time I’m feeling cynical in the romance department, all I need to do is read through a list of your earnest inquiries and it makes me feel a little more hopeful and optimistic. Whether you’re asking about how to give her multiple orgasms or what to make of her hot and cold mood swings, the fact that you care makes me happy. Women should feel lucky to know that men like you are so curious about pleasing and understanding them.

This is why I’ve compiled a list of the ten most frequently asked questions. If you don’t see the question you’re looking for, leave it for me in comments, on Twitter, or on my Facebook fan page (or on all three!)

Otherwise, I hope this helps clear a few things up for you. And thank you for asking! XO


1. How can I make my dick bigger?

The short answer: You can’t, at least not through any method that I’m aware of. Shaving off your pubic hair might reveal a few extra millimeters of shaft, but that won’t change how big it actually is, or how much pleasure power you wield. Similarly, working out and eating healthfully will give you strong, flat abs—another way to minimize distraction around the boner base. But once again, the actual size of your member will stay the same. Sorry, dude.

The long answer: This question goes hand-in-hand with another very popular question:


2. Does size actually matter?

The answer is, of course, yes and no. (So helpful and open-ended, am I right?)

First, the bad news: In studies and surveys, women state a preference for medium- to large-sized penises. Men’s Health conducted an online survey of over 2,000 women, in which over three-quarters said they preferred medium to large donkers. And, just for kicks (and to give you even more anxiety), check out this “ideal” penis size chart.

Now for the good news: It’s not the size of the vessel, it’s the motion of the ocean. It’s a cliché because it’s true. So stop worrying about your damn penis size.

I say this over and over and over again: Most women can’t orgasm through penetrative sex alone. That means that if you think that all it takes to please her is what’s dangling between your legs, you’re going to leave her bored, sore, and unforgiving come morning. Good sex is about finding each other’s pleasure spots, exploring each other’s bodies, and learning exactly how to suck, lick, tug, scratch, kiss, fondle, rumble, canoodle and caboodle your partner where, when, and as hard, soft, and frequently as she needs. If she’s a sweet lady, she’ll return the favor. If you have hair-raising electric chemistry, you’ll do unto each other at the same time, again and again and again.

And yes, this advice even applies to you with the baby carrot, and you with the third forearm. For those whose partners can’t feel it or can’t fit it in, learn to embrace sex toys—both of the vibrating and penis-replacing varieties—and learn to use your fingers with the dexterity of a maestro guitarist (and don't forget to keep your fingernails clean). On top of that, become a muff-diving connoisseur. Go down with cheekbone-wetting gusto, and tuck in, eagerly, for seconds and thirds.

In fact, this is good advice for guys with the perfect 6.5 inches, as indicated in that chart above. And I can’t believe I just typed over 500 words about penis size.


3. Why does my ex keep trying to be my friend?

Depending on the woman and the circumstances of the breakup, there are a few potential forces at play here.

Option Uno: She might miss you as a person in her life. You know the old “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” dagger? I’d say that’s one of the few break-up lines that isn’t actually a bold-faced lie. It’s possible to love someone very deeply, but not feel sexually attracted to him or her, and not want to date him or her anymore. I don’t know how long you dated this woman, but it's likely she still cares about you and your happiness. It's also likely that she still enjoys your company, or finds you interesting or amusing or hilarious or smart or whatever it was that she liked about you from the beginning. And because of that, she might still want you in her life—because she likes you, or even loves you. But she’s not in love with you.

Scenario Dos: She might miss how you made her feel. That doesn’t mean she wants to get back together, it just means that she likes feeling loved and admired and lusted after and appreciated. You were great at that once; you probably still are.

Third Time's the Charm: She might be on the fence about whether she wants to date you again. Maybe she’s not so happy about her new relationship prospects as she thought she would be; maybe she misses you more than she expected; maybe she wants to keep you around in case she can’t find anyone better.

Whatever her reasons are, the bottom line is that if you aren’t happy being her friend, you have no obligation to keep up the besties charade. Telling her it’s too hard or you're not interested doesn’t make you a jerk, it makes you human.


4. What part of guys’ bodies do women like the most?

Abs. Don’t you read Men’s Health?

But here’s something else to consider—I’ve noticed that my personal answer to this question changes depending on the guy I’m interested in. If I’m dating someone with incredibly sexy legs, suddenly I go downright misty over shapely, muscular thighs. If I’m dating someone with a strong, broad back, I dream of leaving passionate love marks (in fingernail-scratch form) across that sexy expanse of skin. And if he has really nice forearms, I start noticing how strong forearms are kind of like phallic symbols, you know what I mean? If you look at them just right? Anyway. Play up your strengths. We’ll notice, and we’ll love them.


5. How long should I wait to call a woman after she’s given me her number?

No longer than a day—maybe two. The call only needs to last as long as it takes you to tell her how great it was meeting her, and can you take her to dinner/drinks/a concert/rollerblading/apple-picking/sky-diving/your weekly book club meeting on [day of the week]? Have a plan. Ask her to join you. Say you’re looking forward to it, you’ll pick her up at 8. And that’s it!


6. How can I escape the friend zone?

I wrote two blog posts about this. The more condensed answer is that it's a process. If you’re already in it, you need to stop spending time with the woman. Get a life of your own, find things that interest you, work on your wardrobe and body, and join new organizations and clubs. You’ll become a more interesting person, you’ll stop playing no-sex-attached-boyfriend stand-in, and you’ll meet new people—women included. All of this will make you more desirable—she’ll begin to see your potential as more than just “friend” material.

To avoid falling into the friend zone from the beginning, you need to be up front about your feelings with the women you like. If you’re attracted to someone or want to date her, ask her out. She’ll know from the get-go that you’re interested in more than just her mind. And here’s the catch: Don’t go on dates with her that aren’t specifically labeled dates. I learned this tip from the Wing Girls, two awesome California chicks who give amazing advice on their website, http://www.thewinggirls.com. They ROCK this question—any lingering confusion you have, check in with them.

Finally, a related question that I also receive with some frequency:


7. My female friend who I’m secretly in love with just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. When is it okay to ask her out?

Let me preface this one by first acknowledging that all situations are different, and so this advice won’t apply to every case.

But in general, your best option here is to stay the hell away. For a long while—several months sounds reasonable to me. Ending a “long-term” relationship can be a life-quaking experience that requires her to adjust to an entirely new reality. She’s going to be scared and confused and unhappy for a while, and there’s a good chance she’ll be hung up on her ex for a while, too. That means that any guy who wants to date her will have to deal with boatloads of baggage, a woman who’s not able to give him her full attention and affection, and the very likely scenario that she’ll just be using you to make herself feel loveable, or less lonely, or simply better in general. And here’s the really hard part—acting as her shoulder to cry on could blow up in your face. It might be that your efforts at making her feel better will ultimately be rewarded with her realizing that you’re the one she’s been waiting for all these years. But it’s just as likely that it’ll either cement your status as the friend, or that she’ll use you as a rebound and then sheepishly discard you, wanting to start over completely, clean slate, no traces of that painful past.


8. How can I last longer in bed?

Stop worrying about it. Just as with penis length, this is one of those grossly overrated sexual prowess and success markers. A survey of sex therapists found that the “ideal” time for penetration is between 3 and 13 minutes. I think they’re right, although I’ll go one step further and say that I don’t care at all how long you last during penetration, as long as you’ve spent ample time frolicking and laughing and passionately kissing and rolling around with me before it happens. Sex is not defined by how long the penis can go in and out and in and out and in and out of the vagina. That’s boring. Sex is about (say it with me): exploration, finding what makes each other happy, giving and receiving pleasure, enjoying each other. With or without penetration.


9. Why can’t I give my girlfriend an orgasm during sex?

Are you thinking of “sex” as penetrative intercourse? Because if that’s the case, breathe easy: the majority of women simply can’t orgasm through penetrative intercourse alone. (For more info, read 10 Lessons About the Female Orgasm, written by the Men’s Health Sex Professor, Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. It’s VERY informative.)

With that in mind, understand that just because repetitive thrusting might not be her key to climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t ever come together. Find ways to stimulate her clitoris during penetrative intercourse, and you’ll increase the odds that she boils over. Here are three sex techniques that increase clitoral contact. Barring those, a handy vibrator works wonders. Check out Jimmyjane’s guy's guide to buying vibrators to see what kind you might need.

If you’re having trouble making her sing in general, penetration or otherwise, that’s a different story altogether. See, the female orgasm can be a very skittish creature. Any type of distraction can cause her to lose it, whether she’s worried about paying the bills or if her butt looks big from that angle. Read this blog entry about how to eliminate distractions—that might help.

It might also help to find out if she’s able to orgasm through masturbation. Ask her if she’ll touch herself in front of you—tell her it turns you on to see her turned on. And while she’s rubbing one out, secretly take notes—how fast, what direction, where, what she herself does to make it happen. Consider it your private tutorial in How to Give Your Girlfriend an Orgasm 101.

And one more thing: Stop asking her if she’s come already. The more obvious you are that you're aiming for an O, the more likely you are to scare it away. Your goal should not be about notches on the bedpost or number of explosions—it should be about the giving and receiving and discovering of pleasure.


10. Why do nice guys always finish last?

They don’t. But whiners might.

Do you have any questions that I haven’t covered here? Leave them in comments, or reply to me on Twitter, or ask on my Facebook fan page!

And thank you again! I love you, I do!

XO, Carolyn